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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bachelorette Recap--5/26/08

Man, are men boring or what? Other than the occasional stalker or serial killer we could cure insomnia. Crazy women make for better TV than narcissistic men. Either DeAnna picked a load of stiffs or...well, we men are boring as all hell. I kept waiting for a melt down of some sort. I mean they always have them on the Bachelor. The women go crazy, turn on the eye rain and freak the hell out. Men are usually good for a drunken brawl at least. Not with this crew. After watching these stiffs meander around I thought DeAnna was going to give the rose to Tommy Lasorda, and I was gonna cheer her on too.

But before that we get to see what I actually consider a pretty decent innovation: The three guys who got first impressions roses from the week before get to move in and stay with DeAnna in the big house, while all the rest stay down in a bunk house. They went too far with the idea by making the guys shower outside in the buff but the thought of actually putting the Bachelor(ette) together with the ones they are most interested in so they can, oh, I don't know, fall in love or something, seemed like a good idea. Or at least it would have been if we had gotten to see what actually went on in this house between them. What moron came up with this idea then didn't think the interaction was worth seeing? It was better to look at Paul from Lilliput's bare ass?!

Anyway, the guys all play meet and greet with wingman Harrison out in front of DeAnna's chalet and all but the three dudes who scored roses early last week Richard(Science Guy), Jeremy (Orphan guy), and Jesse(stoner dude) will be living in a communal bunkhouse all together. Decent. The wingman, in his own creepy way, revels in booting the loser guys from last week out into the rustic house.

The first group date was a trip to a magic shop with seven of the guys. The date sounds likes fun: a magic show in a fun house. Not too shabby. But it is boring! Gawd. Only the trick piano drowning out Sean the karate boy's pompous banter was cool. Twilley, who set off the weirdo meter last week, breaks the damn thing with some asinine myth tale that had DeAnna begging him to stop. Dad-of-the-three-year-old Jason got some quiet time alone with Dee but nearly choked on his tongue when it came time to tell her about his boy. Jason must be new to the single dad pick-up scene because 3 year-old son's are chick magnets! Don't believe me? Have a decent-looking single dad go to a park with a cute son. You might as well hang up a sign that says, "Free Diamond Rings!" The women will swarm. This guy needs to man up.

Paul, the munchkinland midget, shows some chops and gets the early rose while Ryan, the obnoxious football-playing virgin got punk'd. A 28 year-old male virgin!? That just means the guy has a P.H.D. in masturbation...or somewhere a family sheep is pining away for it's master. What a candy ass! Think I'm being too hard on our virgin? Look at it this way: Billy Graham, Mohandas Gandhi--two pretty righteous dudes--both were married fathers at Ryan's age of 28. 'Nuff said.

The one-on-one date this week is Graham, who takes Dee to the beach to demonstrate that kite flying is not like riding a bike--you do forget how. The kite augurs in just like Graham tries to. He tells Dee he is 29 and has had one real relationship in his entire life. This, for some strange reason, sets off alarm bells in Dee's mind. Not exactly the He-man woman lover's club around here, is it? Graham is threatening to set my gaydar off, and it seems Dee got a tickle of her own because she challenges him pretty straight up. But Graham pulls it out with some deep sensitive stuff I don't remember. By the end, its pretty clear Dee digs this guy.

Next, Dee takes the remaining seven to Dodger stadium to demonstrate their awful singing voices and their complete ineptness in hitting a baseball. Dee trundles out Dodger legend Tommy Lasorda who puts the boys through their paces. They step into the cage and make like Jerry's Kids at the park. Frankly I've seen better swings on a playground. They moved the fence in just beyond the infield but they struggle to make contact. Lasorda, god bless him, tries to give them some pointers but soon gives up and basically tells them they're a bunch of losers. Finally, Jeremy the lawyer steps up and slaps a few little league dingers--not exactly the John Wayne Award for manliness because Jason's three year-old could have jerked a few over that fence--but it's better than the rest.

Dee hauls him away for some private time and he nearly breaks down and admits he's an orphan. Really? Dude, you're thirty. At some point we're all orphans if nature runs it's course. Get over it. But DeAnna, who lost her mom at twelve laps it up like honey. He gets the rose and another week in the house with Dee.

This pisses Ron the divorced guy off and he let's Dee know he doesn't appreciate it when the cocktail party gets going. The other guys don't think much of Jeremy and he's wearing the bullseye now. He makes it even worse by doing the old steal the Bachelorette away from someone when you already have a rose bit. Mrs. Barbarossa still loves the guy but the other fellas in the Meat Locker are less than impressed. Dee then encourages a push up contest to dispel the cloud of testosterone that's attempting to form in the house and Jesse the stoned snowboarder just edges out Brian the football coach for some special quality time with Dee. Jesse hams it up with some sensitivity about how he "can't be a snowboarder for ever". Sounds almost like a Broadway show tune, but she seems suitably impressed anyway.

The wingman makes a rare appearance and calls the festivities off. It's rose time.

Paul from Lilliput, Graham the Confused, and Jeremy the Orphan already have a rose and a place in the mansion next week. DeAnna comes out, drops the cliche bomb ("This is so hard!") and then hands out some roses.

The others are:

4) Ron--The divorced guy scores a rose for being...er...forceful, I guess.

5) Jesse the stoner--Could Dee be a closet bakehead?

6) Robert the Chef--This guy needs to stop pulling up the collar on his Izods. That went out in about 1988.

7) Brian the football coach--he seemed fairly nice and pretty much normal. Hmm, producers must be pissed.

8) Jason--Previews show him fessing up about his boy. Bout time too.

9) Fred--Score another one for ugly dudes! Damn, the guys who got cut must be major losers!

10) Sean--Bleh. Chuck Norris he ain't.

11) Richard--Bill Nye stays alive. Had we seen the interaction inside the house we might know if he stood a chance. What a waste not to show it.

Harrison perform the necessary calculations and let's us know, (in case we're blind or stupid), that only one rose remains.

12) Twilley--Holy Crap, Batman! Didn't see that one coming. I hope this guy comes with his own restraining order.

That means that Eric, the one-note Greek Guy with the huge honker who acted like it was his dream to chain Dee to his stove and make her prepare feta cheese for the rest of her life and, Chris, the ultra-bland sales rep who can't hit batting practice pitching, and Ryan, the in-your-face-virginal Christian, get dumped. Eric and Chris get pissed and preen while Ryan tells us he's a virgin again. No shit, Sherlock. Wonder why.

Dee meanwhile, has a mini-meltdown after dumping them. Hey! That's the boy's job now Dee. God this might get ugly. Give her an ouzo, wingman.

Next week: the whole gang goes on a rodeo adventure and a "Terrible mishap occurs!" i.e. Dee bumps her head. Jason finally admits he has a kid, and Ron the divorced dude and Jeremy have words...or slapfight or something.

Until then, argh!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

My Big Fat Greek Reality Show

Oh, dearest readers, your favorite old pirate has committed the unpardonable sin (in bloggerville that is) of trying to have a life. Don't worry, it failed. Regardless, due to unexpected missions of looting and pillaging...or something... I haven't posted in a while.

Frankly I just didn't have the energy to write about the last installment of the Bachelor. Watching Shayne Lamas capture the heart and gonads of Mr. Wanker was similar to catching fibromyalgia, exhausting and stupefying all at the same time. Nothing like watching some bleached blond, super-materialistic girl born with a silver spoon in her mouth capture the heart of some bonehead. It was, to say the least, uninspiring. But I do apologize anyway...to Mrs. B and to my son-in-law (who are the only people reading this.)

The good news, or bad depending on your point of view, is that everyone's favorite heartbroken Greek, DeAnna Pappas, is back and on the prowl. If you didn't catch the one...or forty times Chris Harrison mentioned it, DeAnna was on the Bachelor before. The one where that tool from Texas dumped her and giggling Jenni at the end because he had a girlfriend in Texas he needed to go dump or something like that. Anyway, due to the inexplicable intervention of Ellen Degeneres and the writers strike, DeAnna has been made the Bachelorette and it's her turn to be in the catbird seat and dump at least 24 of 25 guys.

The evening begins when Harrison greets DeAnna in front of the exact same house she lived in when Brad dumped her on national TV. Everything looks exactly the same...except DeAnna. Who's barely dressed in some beautiful gown cut down to her pubes in the front and looks to have dropped about ten or so pounds in the interim. I liked DeAnna before but holy goodnight, Batman, Boner ahoy! There'd better not be any real men in this group or this will be the shortest TV show in history! Man, what a brawl this should be.

Ahem...no, not exactly. Twenty-two, hair-geled metrosexuals, one oyster farmer who couldn't get laid in a Vegas brothel, one single dad, one stoned snowboarder (is there any other kind?) and one football coach pull up in limos. They ran some film of these guys getting ready before they show up at the Meat Locker, and a more narcissistic, self-involved bunch of nancy-boys you'll never meet. Ok a few of them seemed alright but come on! Some loser actually told us it takes him ten minutes to gel his hair...and then he shaves his chest! Somewhere Grandpa Barbarossa just rolled over in the shallow grave Grandma probably buried him in. Since when do men need ten minutes to gel their hair? Men use hair gel? Is this from the same species of people who stormed Normandy Beach!? Gawd, the things I learn on TV these days.

Anyway, the whole time DeAnna was greeting her stud farm, I kept expecting to see a chair come flying through the window behind her with an accompanying shout of, "It's on, you motherf@ckers! Last one standing gets her!" That would have been cool but I am sadly disappointed. All that booze, 25 guys, and one chick...and no fight? Gawd, what's this country coming to? Anyway, they all try to schmooze her and then get ushered inside.

A few stood out:

Greg--unfortunately he stood out for being insane. Dee obviously felt the insanity coming from him and she cut him. The guy freaked out and did a Hulk Hogan on his shirt after she dumped him. Roid rage anyone?

Jason--Single dad of an incredibly cute kid. I hope he's a player...we'll see. Also presumably divorced.

Jeremy--I had to hold Mrs. Barbarossa down every time he was on. Evidently a hottie.

Jesse--Stood out by having long greasy hair and the fashion sense of a homeless bum...he seemed pretty funny though. Acted like he'd burned a fatty right before the show.

Sean--did some karate but that coolness was offset by the fact that it looks like he gets his hair cut at the same place as Trump. He did kick a piece of fruit off the stoner's head though.

Graham--Stood out by being listed as a pro basketball player and then never mentioning it when he talked with DeAnna about his career. He also had one of those carefully sculpted scruffy face things that make me want to punch men. Either shave or grow a beard!

Luke--Stood out by being an ugly little oyster farmer. DeAnna's about a light year out of this guys league.

Chandler--Stood out by being a wuss. The guy nearly cried when Dee cut him. I'd slit my wrists. To be called a wuss in this group is like being inducted into the wussy hall-of-fame!

Fred--Stood out for being just plain damn ugly. He got a rose though. Score one for ugly dudes!

Richard--A science teacher with no self-esteem. He got an early rose but I get the feeling Dee would like a little confidence in a man. Seemed nice but he's probably toast.

Paul--Stood out for being the height of a citizen of Munchkinland. Come on, Dee's not even tall! He also stood out for having Dee's name branded across his underwear. (Insert your own joke here.)

Donato--stood out for being a drunken douche bag. Cut instantly. He should have shoved panties in her pocket.

Ron--Another divorced dude--and honest about it too. It earned him a rose. Wouldn't it be nice if the women on the Bachelor got the same courtesy instead of being treated like pariahs?

Anyway, Dee kept most of these guys. She also kept a few who were never shown speaking. Guess what that means.

Anyway, many apologies again...the pirate is back and he's here to stay. Until next week!