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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, January 26, 2009

1/26--Generally Hospitalized

Can you get chapped lips from making out? If you can, Jason Mesnick needs to sign on as a spokesman for Chapstick. I don't care if he was 'acting' for much of the night; the guy locked more lip than Pepe Le Pew. I never saw Bob Guiney's season of the Bachelor but I don't see how that disgusting little turd could have kissed more women than our dearly loved single father. He would have had to start by tackling the wingman before the first woman ever got out of a limo to have a chance to stay even. Not that I blame the guy. Kiss 'em all for all I care. But many female swooners who would have sworn two months ago that Jason was a virgin, despite being divorced and having a kid, better get it through their skulls that this guy is a horndog just like the rest of us. It's been New Years Eve at midnight since the second week and this guy shows no sign of slowing down. True, he was helped on his way to the record by visiting the set of a real Soap Opera and having to 'act' with the women, but if I were Harrison I'd be hiding when I saw the guy coming. No lips are safe with Le Bandito on the prowl. Rumors are abounding around the net that Jason's fiance is having a problem with watching all the intimacy between him and the other girls too. If that's true, this night did nothing to settle her stomach, I can tell you that.

The episode opens with news from the wingman that this week there will be a 1 on 1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2 on 1, where someone gets dumped right in front of their competitor. But first, he tells the girls they must "earn" the 1 on 1 date by composing and singing a love song for Jason.

An American Idol Moment

Damn! I hated this little spectacle when they debuted it last year on DeAnna's Bachelorette. And I do mean, Hated It! The contestants are all given thirty minutes to compose and perform a love song for Jason and El Dweebo himself will be the judge. Last season, DeAnna was the judge and she picked Jesse, the Stoned Snowboarder as her 'winner', despite the fact that I have seen better lyrics written on public bathroom stalls and heard better singing from 450 lbs. mental ward escapees on American Idol. Jason's stated criterion for winning was explained as "Who has the most fun and just goes with it!" Yeah, right. (Sighs) Why not just pick the one the producers tell you to pick before it starts and be done with it already? Elton John can't write a decent song in 30 minutes. To expect non-writers and performers to produce anything less than embarrassment is just nuts. If they need to be humiliated, Fleiss, just have them disrobe and parade around naked. At least the males and lesbians in the audience can enjoy that. And since when is how well someone can take humiliation some harbinger on how they'd do as a spouse? If that's the kind of marriage you're planning, be sure to have a good divorce lawyer on retainer.

But noooooo, it's singing time.

Molly the Bland opens the auditory and lyrical assault by trying to be funny with her tune and I do mean trying to be funny. She sings about fast-food or some weird shit and Jason laughs like she's funnier than Dave Chapelle. Snort! (Just give her the damn rose, you idiot!) Shannon the Stalker does some rap that's not any worse than real rap; which means it sucked! Melissa the Cheerleader also tries to be funny...I think. I hope she wasn't trying to be good. Mission Unaccomplished if that was the object. Megan, the Pirate Wench at least had the sense to realize just how bad she was gonna' sound and talks her way through it and spares my ears, but Stephanie the Catwoman has "fun with it" at the audiences expense and succeeds in both laying an Ostrich egg and shattering all the glass in the mansion. Augghhh!

Lauren the Dominatrix (formerly Lauren the Hesitant) brags like all hell and then manages to mime a real singer but has to steal the melody from Cyndi Lauper's True Colors to do it. But at least my ears don't bleed. The real drama is produced when Nikki the Pageant Queen goes into a nuclear meltdown at the thought of bearing her feelings in a song and "looking silly!" Relax, babe, you can't look any sillier than everyone else. This one is a real mystery. Don't they have talent competitions at pageants anymore? Evidently not. Maybe with the new PC-era of thought Nikki normally puts on a chess demonstration when she competes for Miss Rutabaga Queen or whatever. Finally she splits the difference and agrees to perform but sings a lullaby to the baby she doesn't have instead of a love song to the boyfriend she's not gonna' have either. Beautiful stuff. Song contest over...Thank God! Molly the Bland's fast-food anthem wins. Anything to make them stop.

Tenting Tonight

Jason hauls Molly the Bland to his own rented Malibu digs for a normal date, not the usual Bachelor fairytale crap. They eat burgers dressed in ratty cutoffs just like a real couple too. They also talk, just like a real couple, and they wax a bit more seriously than the usual date fare. Jason obviously sees a lot more in Molly than I do and while she confesses to feelings, she does it in a sane way and doesn't bother lying to us that she is "in love". It's a pretty cool date and the kind I'd like to see more of, frankly--no bullshit plane rides or fairy princess castles, no hammocks or hot tubs, and no one was drunk. As they talk, Le Bandito moves in for his first score of the night, Cha-Ching!, and then he hands her the flower and hauls her into a tent set up in his backyard for a sleepover. Producer/dickhead Fleiss even delivers dubbed sounds of quiet talk and slurping to make us believe they did the nasty too. Maybe they did, who knows? Just after dawn Jason drives her home with the rose and in a set of his clothes too. Shannon the Stalker, who patrolled the house waiting on Molly most of the night, and the other, saner girls who went to bed, greet Molly in the AM to find her dressed in Jason's clothes and complaining of not much sleep. The other girls all scatter uncomfortably while Shannon narrows her eyes at Molly and goes to polish her sniper rifle.

The group-date card arrives at the Harem Tent and missing from the list are Stephanie the Catwoman and Nikki, the Pageant Queen. They get the dreaded 2 on 1 get a rose or go home date. Nikki starts bawling at once while Stephanie gets excited.

Soap Opera for Real and the Attack of Le Bandito

Jason takes his group gaggle to the set of General Hospital for some acting, jealousy, and pure audience entertainment. These kind of dates are fun to watch but they do nothing to show us much of anything. Since they dressed up in costume and mastered the art of the Soap Opera Kiss (no tongues, if you please.) it didn't show us squat about Jason or his interest in any of the women. It just means that every feminist who's ever complained about this show is 100% correct: It does set women back a hundred years...just like real Soap Operas do. I'm sure Jason didn't mind however. Very few guys ever get to make out with six women in one hour unless they're a Sultan or something...or Charlie Sheen, of course.

Anyway, Jason herds them onto the set and they stage a couple of scenes so he can set the record. A 'kissing coach' (now there's a job) asks for volunteers and to the surprise of no one Shannon the Stalker leaps forward and finally gets to kiss Jason. He does his best not to cringe and off we go. The first staged scene is with Naomi the Spicy, who's dressed in some naughty maid outfit. Lauren the Dominatrix is supposed to enter the scene as the jealous wife but fumbles her lines and misses her cues so much I start to think she wants to watch the two of them make out. It takes twelve or so takes of Naomi and Jason necking before Lauren can do it right and by that time I know why they filmed Jason sitting on the couch. By kiss three I'd bet the guy was pitching a tent. Then they film Jillian the Canuck, wearing a dumb blond wig, getting a marriage proposal from Le Bandito and it was so quick I don't even remember whether he rang her up on the tote board or not. It is one of the few times we'll see Jillian all night though. (I have no idea what that means.) Then it's off to a different set where Megan, the Pirate Wench, dressed exactly how I picture her at home, awaits him in her 'vamp' outfit. Megan and Jason have yet to kiss so I suppose she's out after her money's worth because she practically eats his face off. The other girls all accuse her of 'not acting' and Megan smirks at them with her best F*ck you, bitches look and says she did mean it. Must be nice to have you first kiss not only be in front of an audience but admittedly forced to boot. Damn, I'd hate to see the consolation prizes Fleiss offers the losers on this show. The only revealing thing abut the entire experience is the incessant drumbeat of comments and private interviews from Melissa the Cheerleader, who got no kiss, about just how jealous all of this makes her. It's a not very subtle move and Melissa begins to move front and center in our thoughts. She confesses to being surprised at how much it bothered her but maintains her ability to be self-deprecating and genuinely funny without resorting to cattiness. Talk about a good edit.

This leads us to an after-shoot wrap party that's about as fun as tap dancing in a minefield but nowhere near as exciting. The woman we get to see are all nervous, stressed, and pissy. All except Megan, the Pirate Wench, who's exultant after receiving a forced, faked kiss. She is for a little while anyway. When she gets Jason alone its clear she'd like the real thing but Le Bandito has had all he wants from her and she knows it. Having more luck is Naomi the Spicy, who already has a bad case of Jason-halitosis before she separates herself from the group and pouts. This draws Jason like a elephant to a bag of peanuts and she vamps and boo-hoos about being 'scared'. Heheh, good for you, dear. Jason reassures her and locks her up yet again while constant voiceovers and private interviews from Melissa the Cheerleader let us know how jealous she is. She finally gets a moment alone with Le Bandito and goes into a meltdown. Then, he does it. Despite getting ready to stiff her on the rose, Jason cradles her, holds hands, and looks deeply into her eyes like he's done with no one else. Leaks or no, this couldn't have been anymore obvious: the boy is a goner. Fleiss showed this a little too early, and his orders to Jason to give the flower to Naomi not withstanding, it can't hide the glaringly obvious. The Queen Wench herself, Mrs. Barbarossa, who knows nothing about internet leaks, practically leaped up off the sofa, "Did you see that!?" Yes, dear, I did...and so did everyone else. Game over. Regardless, Naomi the tent-pitcher gets the rose from Fleiss...er, Jason.

The Waltz of the Living Dead

Time for Stephanie the Catwoman's chance to prove she's a professional dance coach and for Nikki, the Pageant Queen's Waterloo. Earlier, we saw Nikki couldn't sing or write music, now we find out she can't dance either. Just what the hell do they do at beauty pageants these days? Anyway, ball gowns arrive for both women and they go dress. Nikki looks like Catherine of Cordoba and Stephanie, well, Stephanie looks like an escapee from a wax museum...as usual. Anyway, Jason picks them up in a stolen Rolls Royce and takes them to some remote, candle-lit location for a dancing date that is amongst the most uncomfortable I have ever seen. Both women get dance lessons from a hot dance coach (Stephanie needlessly) and we get to watch Nikki fumble through the steps and she and Stephanie taking turns cutting in on one another. Nikki shows her amazing lack of belief in herself and her abilities to do anything, and I mean anything, without six months of rehearsals. Stephanie responds with her southern belle classiness and handles everything like a pro.(which she is) Jason finally calls a halt to the torture and sits them down for a meal. It's here that one of the major weaknesses for true romantic success on this show rears its head. Stephanie had barely said 'hello' to Jason before she informed him of being widowed and a mom and she's already had a 1 on 1 date. Nikki, more reticent to begin with, has not had a 1 on 1 with Jason, and sensing her end is near, has to start talking to him about her failed, 11 year relationship with Stephanie ten feet away. They either need to pick fewer girls or extend the shooting schedule to give them all a 1 on 1 if they ever want this show to work.

Jason seems concerned about the news that Nikki had an 11 year relationship and downright alarmed at how she acts when she finally talks about it and you can hardly blame him. It's obvious to anyone watching that Nikki was crushed when the guy dumped her suddenly. She barely holds her tears when speaking of so emotional a moment and it's clear this girl is barely ready to date, let alone get married. But I'm not about to let Jason off so easily on this one for what's he's about to do. Stick with me and I'll explain. Jason hands Stephanie the flower and walks Nikki to the limo. Nikki, who could sense it coming before they even left the Harem Tent, takes it with her formidable pageant-babe classiness as she departs. It's when Jason returns to Stephanie that I fail to understand what he was thinking. Now I know Jason and I are very different men with entirely different tastes, but that notwithstanding, when he goes to finish his waltz with Stephanie and they finally have a mutual kiss, I scowled a mile wide and wanted to hit him upside the head. The kiss looked like two siblings pecking each other (and not the West Virginia kind either). Jesus, Jason! She's a widow with a four year-old at home? I can see you respect her, but come on? This choice was idiotic from every imaginable angle. Let her go home to her kid and memories, you idiot! Was carrying Nikki and her trainload of baggage another week such a problem? Stephanie was set up from the get go to be the most vulnerable woman on the show. I don't think Jason was being deliberately mean here but this was a serious lapse of judgment and he, of all people, should have known better. Rant over. Ahem. To resume. Nikki reserves her meltdown for the limo ride and you can see Jason has little to do with any of this. We see her fall into her old pattern of self flagellation and even my hard-hearted Wench Queen sheds a few tears for her, despite Stephanie being her favorite. The only time since the gutting dismissal of Bevin Powers, I might add, so if any of you are about to blast me for taking Jason to task, you can save it. There are rules, even among thieves, pirates, and skirt chasers and Jason crossed a line on this one. This is a man's take and if you don't want to hear it, don't read it.


Crocktail Party


It's time to say something about Lauren the Dominatrix. Bleh! There, I think that should cover it. Moving on. Melissa the Cheerleader, who has magically morphed into the cuddly-sounding "Mel" gets some time with Le Bandito and she talks about how 'real' it's all become. Jason studies her finger for ring sizes and kisses her senseless before he moves onto Shannon the Stalker, who practically begs, and I mean BEGS, not to be let go. Jason swallows awkwardly and pretty much rejects her kiss attempts. The shocking part is that Shannon gets it. When we see her after the dumpjob she looks as sane as we'll ever see her. Amazing! (drink) He then corners Jillian the Canuck (who we've barely seen this episode) and displaying more manners than sense, offers her his coat while they sit out back. Relax, Jason, you're in Malibu and she's Canadian. She could skinny-dip at the North Pole without your coat. Anyway, they have a talk and Jillian displays some of that well-known Canadian sanity they are justly famous for and he commends her for being a rock in his sea of insanity. He rings her up before the wingman arrives to put a halt to the festivities.



Rose Ceremony Time:

The wingman, continuing to behave strangely, lines the women up and starts pimping for Jason. Has someone hit the host on the head? Jason comes out, drops a few thousand 'amazing' bombs and hands out some flowers. Already safe: Naomi the Spicy, Stephanie the Catwoman, Molly the Bland, and 'Mel' the Cheerleader. (Heh, sorry.)

1) Melissa the Cheerleader (whistling innocently)

2) Jillian the Canuck--Rah, rah, hockey fans!

Enter wingman with an ice bag on his noggin. "Ladies, Jason--this is the last rose of the evening and I need a Midol. Whenever you're ready."

Jason then hesitates and stammers like he just made up his mind (rolls eyes)--you're right, Jason, you are the "world's worst actor" and refuses to hand out the last rose.

Dumped:

1) Shannon the Stalker--Thank you

2) Lauren the Dominatrix--Yee haw!

3) Megan, the Pirate Wench--Sniff


The send offs are a bit of a shock though, with Megan, (obviously deeply inside the Bachelor Bubble for another five minutes) crying the most and Shannon, not crying at all. Shannon is actually threatening to destroy her 'crazy girl' edit until she lands this stunning roundhouse on our chins:

"I'm going to go home, brush my teeth, and French Kiss my dog!"

Jesus Christ! Does Fleiss troll insane asylums for these girls? Somebody call the ASPCA! The poor defenseless animal.

Next week: Jason takes the final 5 to Seattle. See ya then.

Monday, January 19, 2009

1/19--"Ama-zing!"

For those of you playing the Bachelor drinking game this year, your livers have my deepest sympathies after last night. And if you're in any shape to read this in the next two days, you either have alcohol tolerances higher than Keith Richards or you're a bunch of cheaters. No one could have survived that "Amazing" hurricane. Jason drops the "Amazing" bomb more than any Bachelor I've ever seen...and boy, is that saying something. It makes you wonder if the producers don't just dance around behind the cameras holding up giant signs urging him to say it. I counted at least 25 bombs dropped by Jason and the ladies. Ozzie Osbourne couldn't have played by the rules and survived that. Playing the Bachelor drinking game fits with the old adage pilots used to say about landings: "If you can walk away from it; it's a good one." Well, last night was one crappy landing then. As bad as it was for sitting up straight, speaking coherently, or even making it off the couch, it was, however, a great night for syrupy kiddie-dates and an excess of catty-bitch drama.

The episode opens with the wingman patrolling the Harem Tent and letting the women know the date lineup for the night. There will be two, one-on-one's and one group date. Once again several girls will be given the shaft and will get no date at all. The wingman also drops the first date card before he exits and we find out that Catwoman Stephanie will be getting this weeks first one-on one.

Legoland Purgatory


A quick, tear-filled widows recap accompanies Stephanie's story and a reminder that she not only has a daughter, but it's her birthday today that her momma is skipping so she can appear on a reality show. They go for a walk on the beach and Jason sets her up before her daughter is trundled out for a saccharine-sweet reunion. They spend a ton of air time watching the little tyke playing in the surf and ignoring Jason like he's the invisible man.

Jason then takes them both to Legoland where someone's dressed the Catwoman's daughter, Sofia, in a pink princess outfit that's just as nauseatingly inappropriate as I've made it sound. You can imagine the smoldering heat of this date at a deserted kiddie park with a four year-old in tow. After a fun filled day of riding miniature roller coasters and assorted other nonsense, Jason and the Catwoman talk about "family." After taking her and her birthday daughter to a kiddie theme park, there's no need wondering about the rose; had he stiffed her with her child present, Jason would have been voted Asshole of the Month, which goes to put the lie to any notion that the rose wasn't decided upon before they flew her daughter out there to begin with. It arrives on schedule and keeping with the theme park vein, it's a Lego rose. Bully. Yuck.

Tits against Cancer

Meanwhile back at the Harem Tent, the card for the group date arrives and a couple of girls, including Natalie the Barbiedoll, don't hear their names called. Jason shows up dressed like some hip private-eye and hauls his female gaggle downtown to some tit museum. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. It some place that sells casts of women's boobs all painted up as art to raise awareness for breast cancer or something. Jason goes first and removes his shirt for the selfless acts of showing off his HGH bod and having Erica the Bitch and Melissa the Cheerleader oil up his torso for casting while Shannon the Stalker drools all over the floor watching him. The women then duck behind see-through screens to have their tits cast to help raise money. It does look more interesting than you standard telethon, I must say. PBS should try this. Ahem. The cameras (and Jason) soon move around the screens and he helps cast Shannon the Stalker (and looked to cop a feel or two). Jillian the Canuck tells us she's cool with her body and doesn't mind being nude or whatever. Not to be out-shouted, Megan, the Pirate Wench, tells us she's ready to strip naked in Times Square for a good cause or something like that.

The only crime of the whole affair is that Nikki the Pageant Queen was not shown in any part of the process except for painting her bust cast. Thank you, Fleiss. The best rack on the whole show and we get to see flatchested Jillian the Canuck instead? Thankfully they showed Megan...at least a little. Damn, you'd think only women watch this show. Anyway, the casts all look hideous, like a second grade class with finger paints went after them. The painting process lets Megan the Pirate Wench ask a few silly questions about breast cancer and mastectomies that even men know the answers to. It also gives Melissa the Cheerleader a chance to reveal to Jason that she had a breast reduction a few years back. I start to scowl until she says something about being a "double ff' cup and my eyes bug out. Picturing anything that enormous on a little waif like Melissa is near impossible, but you sure can't blame her for having the procedure. Jillian and Jason then hop up and down on a bed and discuss love and decide they're in complete agreement on the topic. This then leads to me seeing that my decision to propose to Nikki the Pageant Queen was probably a bit premature. Turns out she's an anal-obsessive maniac and pillories Jason with tales of arranging her toothbrush in just the proper place. Jason grimaces in horror at the nightmare of forty years of seeing his ties arranged in color-coordinated order from left to right. "That's not one of my strengths," he cringes.

"That's ok," Nikki assures him. "That's what girls are for."

Jason looks like he wants to leap out the nearest window. Nikki, who is obviously used to being the center of all attention and not used to being expected to sound intelligent or even normal, beats herself senseless in a private interview. "I just can't be spontaneous!" You actually feel sorry for her and editing or no, she beats herself up pretty good. Never thought I'd feel sorry for a pageant queen. Megan then tries to say something about her selfless nature to Jason but somehow manages to sound so full of herself she's ready to pop. "I live to serve. Two weeks without any praise and I miss it." Editing bug was all over this one. Megan probably talked for forty-five minutes and they managed to fish out thirty seconds of dialogue where she sounded like an ass. Nice work, Fleiss. Whatever, Jillian the Canuck gets the date rose.

The Material Date for the Material Girl

Funny how often this shows Cinderella date usually goes to the wicked step mom, isn't it? This year the groups biggest clothes and jewelry horse in the tent gets her dream date--all except for one little detail--Jason goes along as well. Oh, yeah, and she gets her ass dumped too. Oh, well, can't have it all. Jason shows up to pick up Natalie the Barbiedoll in one of his nondescript, ill-fitting suits. With all the show prep that went into this series--HGH bod, endless Ty-montages, shirtless beach jogs--you'd think Fleiss the tightwad would have actually sported for a few tailored suits to make his Bachelor look like his shoulders are wider than his hips, wouldn't you? Oh, well, must not have been a product placement gimme available I guess. The same, however, can't be said for airplane companies it would appear. Jason is about to take Natalie on every type of flying contraption except the space shuttle. But first has to bejewel her with a million bucks worth of diamonds and in keeping with Bachelor-tradition, he festoons her right in front of the other girls.

He cools his heels downstairs with the other gals while Natalie finishes her final touches. When she finally comes downstairs some guy who looks like he works for Tony Soprano walks in with an attache and reveals a necklace loaded with diamonds. The other girls all sulk while Natalie gets the loaner necklace and Jason whisks her away to a waiting private jet and they take off for Vegas. The jet company obviously didn't sport for enough gas however, and they land short somewhere and take a helicopter from there. At this moment I'm eternally grateful ABC didn't have three hours to kill or Jason would have put her in a rocket and flown her to Mars. Despite the high tech flying machines it still requires a limo to finally get them into Vegas. Bully. Once there she and Jason have dinner and he showers her with compliments and tries to dig something deeper out of her beside her bleached-blond looks and spraycan-tan materialism. No dice. The girl sounds about as deep as a wading pool at an old folks home. They then go to a club where some chick named Kate Voegele or something comes out and sings. He and the Barbie get up and dance but constant voice overs are letting us know this is going nowhere. Natalie even moves in for a kiss but le bandito, showing some restraint backs away and the writing is on the wall. He then sits her down, picks up the rose and tells her "no go."

He then walks her out while Natalie grows steadily more pissed off. She's out on the street about to be hauled away when the guy in the waste management business shows back up to reclaim the diamond necklace. Natalie, as pissed off and vapid as she obviously is, at least has sense enough not to argue with the guy and directs her ire at Jason instead. She slams him for playing with the rose before telling her "no" and she's got a point there. She also rants on about Jason keeping "mean girls". Truthfully, this entire thing smells of a set up. It doesn't take Shannon the Stalker to tell us Jason is into brunettes and Natalie is so painfully blond it hurts my eyes. I also noticed that the Sopranos lieutenant made the trip to Vegas from Malibu so he could reclaim the jewels just as soon as Jason dumped her. This one smelled like a set up as much as the Catwoman's Legoland date did. I usually applaud any contestant who keeps their sense of self worth through the dump process but there is a fine line between self confidence and outright narcissism and in the ride to dumpville Natalie shatters that line and goes on a self important rant about her own wonderfulness and makes a total ass of herself. I'll spare her anymore because she cusses Jason out thoroughly. Hehehe.

The Cocktail Party Detective

Jason, spurred on by the words of Natalie the Barbiedoll, shows up at the cocktail party determined to find out who the "mean girls" Natalie was referring to are. Considering the way they all ragged her when she was gone with you, I believe that would be all of them, Jason. Why he cares one nick about this is absolutely beyond me anyway. Who cares how they treat each other; its how they treat you that's important, dummy. There hasn't even been anything remarkable about this to this point in the show anyway. Erica the Bitch and Megan, The Pirate Wench went after each other at the last party...a little, but that's been it. It's been ho-humville between the women and there appeared to be total unanimity about Natalie anyway. Jason, however, starts interrogating the women like he's auditioning for a role on Law and Order regardless. Who cares? Its one of those proven facts about life that some women don't get along with other women, especially not when you cram them together into one house and make then compete for the same guy. Jason, however, seems to be planning to start his own sorority and wastes his precious talking time trying to ferret out the evil doers. Yawn.

He starts in on Naomi the Spicy and much to her credit, she turns the tables on him and says, "I don't want to talk about the other girls. I want to talk about us." The sobers him long enough to get her a few hot kisses. Erica the Bitch, however, appears scared that Natalie fingered her and tries to deflect the damage by tossing Megan under the bus. Megan gets wind of it and Jason manages to stir up ten times more trouble than he would have had normally. Lauren the Hesitant fuels the fire some more by trying to act sanctimonious and things start heading downhill. Shannon the Stalker, who has obviously never been around more than two women in her entire life, can't deal with the cattiness (or lack of Jason's attention) and goes to barf. Nikki the Pageant Queen continues her meltdown by freezing up with Jason and managing to admit she's a perfectionist control freak. It's right here amongst all the catty weirdness that we get to witness one of the only genuine, sweet moments you will ever see on this show. Nikki, desperate to salvage the awful week she's having, leans in to kiss Jason on the cheek very, very awkwardly, but le bandito ain't havin' none of it. The testosterone level in his body must have been artificially raised from all the HGH because he captures her chin, straightens it, and lays one on her but good, tongue and all. Nikki looks thrilled with the results and Jason has my personal permission to swagger out of the room. Argh!

The wingman comes floating in and busts up the interrogations and then, god help us, actually tries to help Jason out by doing something. What!? What the hell is this about? The wingman actually lines the women up and plays Watson to Jason's Holmes. Jesus, somebody contact the union. This must be a violation of the wingman's contract; he counts roses and provides bombast and that's all. Fleiss is in for trouble now. Harrison teams with Jason and the women, all lined up for the Rose Ceremony, are interrogated and start arguing. Megan rips into Erica and scores points for saying, (truthfully, it would appear) that she doesn't speak of the other girls with Jason. That shuts Erica and Lauren up and Jason nods at her. Cha-ching for that rose. Shannon, meanwhile can't stand being left out and wanders off to vomit as we go to commercial.

Since we're at commercial, It's time for some observations and confessions regarding Megan, the Pirate Wench. She's been the source of the most of the dredged up drama on this show so far. With her potty mouth, slightly-trashy beauty, voluptuous bod, and cloud of drama swirling around her, I'd be a goner for this chick in a second. I know me and there's no way I'd escape this babe. I'd be tagged and bagged before you could blink. But, I think it's fair to say that a woman like Megan needs a different type of guy than Jason. I think we can all admit it. There are some women, just like there are men who need a stronger type of partner to keep them in line. Don't cringe, we're all adults here. Just like some men need a powerful woman to keep their lives on track there are some women who live by the adage "If he ain't man enough to handle me, he ain't man enough." Megan, it would appear, is one of those women. She doesn't strike me as the type who has any use for a man she can bully and she'd trample Jason into the floorboards of his own house in a second. She seems the type that needs a real man, and by real man I mean the John Wayne "shut your pie-hole" type. Moments like this make me wish I were the Bachelor-god and I could pick and pair people from different seasons of the show. I'd love to see Megan paired up with DeAnna reject, Ron, the Pissed-Off Divorced Guy!

I could just see Megan lounging around that pool with a cig and mimosa when in stomps Ron, looking like he means business.

Ron: "Megan, you wench, I need your steel to sharpen my steel!"

Megan: "Oh, f*ck you, Ron!"

And they tackle each other to the deck with such passion they break all the patio furniture. Now that would be cool.

Back from commercial and it's rose time...finally! Almost. Shannon has a few scene stealing moments left to be ill and an inserted Private Interview shows Megan raining a hail of F and S Bombs down on her for being a wimp. (Heheh, I love this chick.) Anyway, Jason makes his moves at last.

Jillian the Canuck, Stephanie the Catwoman already have roses

3) Molly the Bland. We've seen nothing to lead us to believe there's anything here but Jason was damned effusive with her. Might be more than meets the eye?

4) Lauren the Hesitant. Ok.

5) Melissa the Cheerleader. Duh.

6) Naomi the Spicy--Heheh, good for you, girl.

7) Shannon the Puking Stalker--Ugh!

8) Nikki the Pageant Queen-not yet, but I think this race is about run.

9) Megan, the Pirate Wench--Argh! Someone call Ron, the pissed-off divorced dude!

Cut: Erica the Bitch and Kari the ????

Erica manages to contain herself and sounds fine about her kiss off. Kari, who we've barely heard two words from the entire show, sounds sane and rational about her dismissal by a guy she obviously has no chemistry with. (No wonder they wouldn't let her talk.)

Next week: Jason, obviously trying to forestall a union lawsuit, refuses to hand out the last rose and cuts an extra girl saving the wingman the trouble of even showing up to count to one.

See ya then.

Monday, January 12, 2009

1/12--Hot Lips Mesnick!

Who would have ever expected a dweeby Jewish estate planner to try and challenge all-time sleaze-king, Bob Guiney for the title of Bachelor kissing-bandit? The show, The Bachelor, is usually pretty damn predictable, it's good to see that the serial proposer isn't...or at least he's being marketed as a bit of a surprise anyway. He's certainly had the body make-over since his stint as DeAnna Pappas' meat puppet and now he looks like he's in for the personality make-over as well. He must have needed an ice bag for his lips after that performance. Four girls in one night? Not bad, even by Matt Grant standards. And that's not counting numerous cheek kisses and hugs. Producer/fiend Mike Fleiss does seem to be trying to run this one a little differently and although the episode was waaayyy too long at an hour and a half for what they had to show, it was more interesting than last week's snoozefest at least.

Things start out with a very long recap and the required Ty-Reminder, only this time the little tyke is given his walking papers and sent home to mama. (Probably so he won't see his dad acting like a total horndog). Once Ty is sent packing, the wingman, looking very casual in jeans and un-tucked shirt and sporting only his usual hair-helmet, lacquered into place, greets the women and oversees their moving into the mansion. The surprise is when he announces the date format. He tells them some of them won't be having dates with Jason every week and then announces two, one-on-one, rose-or-go-home dates, and one group-date designed to make Jason feel like an Middle Eastern Sheik consisting of him and eight babes.

Jason starts this weeks dating by arriving unannounced at the Harem Tent for a pool party. The woman are already herded out around the pool when he arrives and Jason gets a chance to show off his new bod. Amazing what HGH can do, isn't it? Jason was built a little above-average last time, but now he has the distinct look of a man who's been shopping in Barry Bonds' medicine cabinet these last few months. Bully for you, Jason. Ignore those rumors about testicular shrinkage; they're just rumors. Anyway, the party just gets started when the producers toss in a twist and deliver a rose to the affair, instructing Jason to give it to one lady and secure her for a worry-free one-on-one date. The requisite Bachelor-stealing commences and Catwoman Stephanie, shows herself to be a little too classy to break up Natalie the Barbiedoll and Jason who are having a talk we barely get to hear. Sorry, friends, I know Stephanie is a widow and seems really nice but despite a killer bod I think this woman surpasses ugly and moves to downright hideous. She must pluck her eyebrows with a weed-whacker. Man, I kept waiting for her face to melt in that Malibu sunshine. I've also seen younger women at Bingo tournaments. She seems nice but I'm sorry--I couldn't keep her.

Soon, Jason gets friendly with Jillian the Canuck . He thinks she's spunky and fun and I can't help agreeing. They talk about her weird hotdog test last week and she tells him: "If yer kraut yer out!" in that moose-jawed Canadian accent of hers. She's definitely cute but that's going to to get annoying real fast. But Don Juan Mesnick is rolling now and his next target is Lauren and she immediately starts dropping hints (or fishing more like) about leaving. Jason schmoozes her for a minute but is soon after Naomi, who tells him she cured malaria in Borneo or something. Shannon the Stalker can't stand him being alone with anyone and starts throwing ice over the balcony to break them up. Careful, Jason, the next time it might be a grenade. This chick is a loon.

Disney Date:

The round-robin of Jason-stealing soon ends and Jason bestows the special rose on Jillian the Canuck. Quick as a flash they're out the door in a limo and on their way to some Disney Pavilion Theater thingy. I've been to Epcot so I didn't find the place all that enthralling but Jillian the Canuck is mightily impressed by Uncle Walt's funky ideas about futuristic architecture. Jason parks her by a by a ledge with a view and they have dinner. When he gets up, Jillian, obviously easily impressed, asks: "You mean there's more?" Damn, woman, this is the Bachelor, ya know. You get to do some cool stuff. Like watching some white dude named Robin Thicke (who sounds like Al Jarreau) sing some jazzy tunes in a private concert. Jillian, not in the least shy, grabs Mr. Dweeb up and they dance in front of the stage. This is where The Bandit draws first blood. He moves in awkwardly but the Canuck is ready and they do some fairly steamy kissing. Cha-ching! That's one.

Blimp Date:

Back at the Harem Tent, a date card arrives and it says Melissa The Cheerleader will be going on the next one-on-one. Melissa meets Jason on the beach and in inserted private interviews Melissa cops to being nervous. "I dated the same guy from fifteen to twenty-two and I haven't had a date in three years." Huh? A Cowboy Cheerleader hasn't had a date in three years? Ok, well, stranger things have happened I suppose. Actually, no they haven't. What, was she marooned on an arctic weather station!? If she also told us her last boyfriend was a Sasquatch I wouldn't have been any more surprised. I'll assume she's not lying just for shits and giggles. Wow, Melissa the Wallflower; who woulda thunk it. Anyway, Jason feeds her some oysters and Melissa, who is an oyster virgin, does the one thing that can quicken any mans heart: She's funny. Not scripted, cue-card-reading funny either. More like no bullshit, off the cuff funny. She also opens up and tells Jason she really wants to be a first grade teacher. I can practically hear wedding bells on this one already. Jason then takes her up on a bluff and The Bandit strikes again. Cha-ching! That's two! He then hauls her up for a ride in the blimp and gives her the rose, which was as big a foregone conclusion as I've made it sound.

Arab Sheik Date:

Jason now takes eight of the remaining fifteen to a store and tells them to pick out an outfit. I have no idea why. It's not like they're going to be wearing them because it's Ta Da!--pool party time. The women come out in bikini's and the first thing I notice is that Nikki the Pageant Queen is in absolutely no danger of drowning...ever! You could drop Nikki in the center of the Pacific and she could float all the way to California with those built-in floatation devices of hers. As a matter of fact, I hope Jason doesn't try to take her on a scuba diving date because they'll never be able to get her under the water. If he's taking her to the bottom of the ocean he'll have to tie a nuclear submarine to her back and tell it to submerge. Ahem, but I digress.

Anyway, Jason tried to liven things up by dancing and despite the HGH bod and coiffed hair, he finally manages to look like...well, like a Jewish accountant. Rather pathetic but the women all act enchanted anyway. But it's mere moments before Molly the Bland, launches a surprise offensive and not only gets Jason alone but goat ropes him into kissing her. The Bandit is as ready as always and lets her have it. Cha-Ching! That's three! Natalie the Barbiedoll was watching and announces, "They're making out!" Her announcement pisses off Nikki the Pageant Queen and she smacks us with this doozy: "I take kissing seriously. I've only ever kissed one guy, and he was my boyfriend of eleven years." Huh? WTF? Has Fleiss been trolling convents to find these girls?! An eleven-year boyfriend!? I think she means "Common-law Husband", even if they never lived together. Hey, eleven years has to earn you a better title than that. But once again, I digress. Nikki jumps Natalie pretty good and it becomes obvious that Nikki has taken up the office of resident mama. More on that later. Molly the Bland scores the rose.

Naomi moves in next and her and Jason snuggle under some blankies and le Bandito strikes yet again. Cha-Ching! That's four! Nikki then gets some cuddle time under the blankets and starts to sound like Jason's friend and adviser, warning him that some of the other girls "don't know what they're in for." Jason thanks her but because he hasn't bought the ring yet there's no kissing. He then takes the women home where the five who got no date await. Raquel, the Brazilian babe, pissed that Shannon is getting all the stalking action, slips out and waits for Jason in his SUV. It's awkward to say the least and you get the impression Jason could have done more than just kiss Ms. Hottie, cameras or no. Jason, however, looks thoroughly creeped out and he ditches her.

Cocktail Party:

Raquel, Megan, Stephanie, and Lisa were the four without dates and this is there only chance to impress the Bachelor before dump time. Lisa gets the ball rolling by dumping herself, however. She tells him her granny is terminally ill and she needs to go home. Hmmmm? Wasn't granny ill before she came on the show? Nevermind. she's gone, I'll let her be.

As Jason circles the room, Catwoman Stephanie, who seems to have bonded with 2-pack-day-Megan, tells the story of hearing about her husband's plane crash. It is a tear-jerker I must say and all the women around her bawl obediently. Megan takes her chance and hauls Jason outside where Molly the Bland, already sporting a rose, steals him away. This leads to only thing that could pass as a catfight for the whole evening and it's a tempest in a teapot. The only odd thing is that the fight between Megan and Erica the Bitch is made to look like it's Erica's fault and not Megan's. A quick cutaway reveals the truly important stuff where Nikki the Pageant Queen and Melissa the Cheerleader are seen having a real adult conversation about the consequences involved in becoming engaged to a man rooted in Seattle with a son. This is, to say the least, a major departure for the show. Bachelorettes are never shown actually discussing real-world concerns about relocating, saying goodbye to friends and family, etc. That may have been the biggest shock of the evening. But it does reveal the editor's priorities. Nikki is being sold as the big favorite, which of course means she doesn't win. But don't ignore her chat partner in that one.

Rose Ceremony:

Arriving like an FTD Elf, the wingman busts up the party with thirty minutes left in the broadcast and he and Jason go and powwow. Jason breaks the "amazing meter" and tries to get half the audience, who are playing the drinking game to pass out on their floors, when describing the women. I counted at least a dozen shots of "Amazing" and Mrs. B is once again grateful I gave up drinking. There's nothing worse for a petite woman than trying to haul a 250 lbs. husband to bed after this show. The wingman joins in trying to bestow the frontrunner mantle on Nikki by prompting Jason: "Nikki has become almost like a mother figure to the other women, hasn't she?" She's toast...but not just yet.

Jason finally emerges from the deliberation room and swears to almighty bog that he'd rather sever his own toes than cut any of the women. When he's through lying, it's time.

Safe: Molly the Bland, Melissa the Cheerleader, and Jillian the Canuck all have roses.

4) 2-pack-a-day Megan-- Jason (or the producers) give a hearty F**k You! To the haters. The drama will continue.

5) Nikki the Pageant Queen--Not yet, my friends, not yet...but it can't be this obvious, can it?

6) Lauren the Hesitant--Zzzzzzzz.

7) Naomi the Spicy--Sure, why not?

8) Catwoman Stephanie--Better man than me...but that ain't too hard.

9) Kari the ????--Who? Is there a chick on this show named Kari?

10) Natalie the Barbiedoll--One in ever Bachelor crowd.

11) Shannon the Stalker--Keep your enemies close, Jason...but not too close.

12) Erica the Bitch--Needed to fill out the roster, I suppose.

That leaves the Brazilian stalker, Raquel, and 10 & 2 Sharon with the funky eyes, without roses. Since Lisa had already eliminated herself, the blood letting is over for the night.

Conclusions:

Well, sure looks like the contenders have seperated themselves from the pretenders mighty early this season. Looks like four or five players and the rest are drama filler. Pick your own favorite at this point. I'll just say this. If I were in Jason's shoes, and as obviously determined as he is to propose to whomever is left standing at the end of this show, I'd have pulled the trigger last night. Huh? What? No, seriously, I mean it. When the wingman was pimping Nikki in the deliberation room I would have nodded at him and said: "Ya know what, winger, you're right. Nikki's hot, she's got ginormous cans, and she's obviously the loyalty type. I mean, eleven years with one guy and she was never even engaged--shoot, that's loyalty. She seems to understand the challenges of an instant family and what moving in with me and Ty will be like. Ok, I'm done. Stop the cameras--I'm proposing to Nikki!" and I would have walked out and done it. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. If you re so sure you're gonna' propose to one woman after three dates and six weeks, why wait and drag it out? It's not any more loony than waiting two more weeks to do it, is it? It wouldn't be any weirder than a mail-order bride in the old days. That's about what this show is anyway.

Think about it.

Monday, January 5, 2009

1/5 Bachelor 13--Bachelor....Lite

Damn that Fleiss. Just as soon as I put out a list of what to watch for, Satan Jr. decides because his new Bachelor's a baby-daddy that he can't bring himself to put on his normal circus. I'm getting a horrible feeling that since Jason has a young son that this show is going to be edited like a network version of "Finding Nemo". I know the guy's a dad but come on! How can you produce two hours of slop and tell us just as little as you normally do, but leave out the circus antics to at least entertain us? That's a recipe for bland. I'm all for a more serious Bachelor but if you're going to be serious how about showing some meaningful conversations? We saw two of those. In between it was Bimbo-lite, the girls got drunk...but not too drunk. The flakes made their appearances...but not too flaky. And there wasn't one single stupid human trick--no push-ups, no baton-twirling, beer can-eating, karate, or gymnastics...and not one single bit of singing!? I'm beginning to think Fleiss even enforced a six drink maximum. What the hell is this world coming too?! The Bachelor without stupid human tricks is like watching a PG-version of The Godfather--give me a break!

The whole thing was a shift from the norm. Jason's credentials as a guy who can procreate were firmly established within seconds. Ok, I was expecting that. But then the whole thing shifted to a preamble with the women, and they even bothered showcasing a pantload of them who would get dumped by the end of the show. Was there a point to that? If there is, it escapes me. They spent more time showing Jason reading scripted hyperbole off cue cards when we could have been seeing him interact with the woman. "I know one of these women will be my wife." Is that in the contract? He knows one will be his wife despite the fact he hasn't even met them??? Has Fleiss been keeping this guy locked in his basement? He seems to have Stockholm Syndrome already.

Well, when the Wingman finally gets around to talking with Jason, we get to see a rehash of what actually happened when Jason proposed to DeAnna last season and it was more horrible and excruciating than what was shown at the time. She grinned wildly at him for about a minute while he slobbered all over her and then went down on one knee and made a long-winded declaration of love and THEN she hauled him up and said, "No, I can't. I'm in love with a stoner," or something like that. Charming. DeAnna didn't win many pals with the shorter version of that. The longer version earns her a job in Oz at a certain castle guarded by flying monkeys. Pointless, mean, and even cruel.

Twenty-five minutes of the show are gone and the women haven't even arrived at the mansion yet. Finally the Wingman boots Jason out to the curb and here they come:

Women who Made an Impression:

1) Lauren: One of the few blonds to survive the night. It's her birthday and she's fairly attractive.

2) Melissa: Very attractive girl who had an unremarkable night. Looks like DeAnna's younger sister though. Look out!

4) Sharon: One of several teachers in the bunch. Her eyes were so wide apart she appeared to be staring at 10 and 2. Creepy.

5) Stephanie: Jesus, I thought Eartha Kitt was dead? Yeah, yeah, I know she's a widow. And she got to relate her tale of woe too. (You know what that means?) Her bio says she's 34 but I think they transposed a number. She seemed a good fifteen years-older than Jason but he seemed to really like her. But that doesn't mean some plastic surgeon somewhere still doesn't have some splainin' to do!

6) Molly: This Season's mascot I'm betting. Blandness your name be Molly.

7) Natalie: So blond and tanned I thought she was molded out of styrene. Someone contact Mattel, one of their Barbies is missing.

8) Naomi: One of the few ethnics anywhere in sight. Introduced herself by assuring Jason she was "Amazing." Later in the evening she got drunk but the editing tried to hide it. Hmmm.

9) Megan: Single mom with an impressive rack. Crude, high-handed, and vulgar. Thank god she was there too! Voted out by the other girls--then given a rose anyway. Yaaaayyyyy! The foul-mouthed bitch gets to stay. Huh? When the others girl voted for her she called them "assholes" for it. Hahahahah. I think I like her.

10) Stacia: Single mom of two, seemed nice, sweet and sane. Cut. Why???????

11) Jackie: Stood out for at least taking the trouble to get drunk. Cut.

12) Treasure: Single mom who was attractive and despite the pole-dancer name, pleasant-acting and appeared classy. Cut. Huh?

13) Nikki: Sandra Bullock with more up top. Pageant Queen who acted sane the whole damned time. Gets First-impression-Rose. Also the winner of Barbarossa's Best Rack of the Season Award. But spoke so much of her penchant for watching children she sounded like The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe.

14) Renee--Certifiable hippie chick. All worried about cosmic energy and all that New Age crap. Yecch. Got cut but I almost wish she didn't. This is looking mighty dull.

15) Jillian: Local hotdog inspector. Came up with possibly the most bizarre method of reading what a guys really like: condiments on his wiener? Are you f@cking kidding me? Pretty though.

16) Dominique: Future Maxim Magazine Cover Girl written all over this chick. Could be Batman's new arch nemesis, "The Giggler!" too. She got cut for talking about toe implants. One of the few actual nuts in the line up.

17) Shannon: Self-described "Tooth Nazi". Need I say more? Stalker with her own Restraining Order too. Got a rose despite breaking the creepy-meter. Someone call Stacia or Treasure and ask them how they feel about that?

18) Erica: 3rd leading vote getter in the women's vote off. Jason kept her anyway. Thank you, Producers.

There was no mistaking the fact the Fleiss and his producer-hooligans are in over their heads with this one. It's obvious they haven't got a clue how to showcase this season because of Jason and his dweeby blandness. Every time some momentum--any momentum!--tried to build, in came the Wingman on that magic carpet of his tapping his glass like Jeeves the Butler and there went the momentum. The producers came up with the dumb stunt of having the women vote out their least favorite Bachelorette and the screwed even that up by giving the woman a rose for being despised. Just bizarre.

The rest of the evening, sans stupid human tricks, looked like a basketball game with two shitty point guards: She steals, no she steals, no, she steals back again! Jason was a walking turnover. With no real conversations to show, and no embarrassingly drunk babes with rotting eggs, it was a grand larcenyfest as woman after woman stole Jason from one another. Zzzzzzzzz. By the way, where was the black chick? It looked like a mayonnaise convention out there.

Somebody needs to give Fleiss a swift kick in his arse. Either tell the lovestory or show us a freak show. Make up your mind, Satan!