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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, March 1, 2010

3/1--That's Gotta Hurt!


I Bet That Knocked the Cheese out of him!

Who says short people can't make a big splash? Skypilot, Jake "Cheesemachine" Pavelka, face plants into the center of tabloid hell after a perfectly executed swan dive.











I'll have to check the dates to be sure, but I think I know what caused that earthquake in Haiti. Anything, even a short little runt like Joke Pavelka, hitting the ground at hypersonic speeds like that is bound to displace the tectonic plates under the entire Caribbean. Last night, aping a horny eighteen year-old, Pavelka launched himself over the nearest cliff by getting engaged to a girl perfectly well-suited to a summer fling, and has landed face first in the center of a tabloid jungle. Nothing like acting like a complete moron in front of your family...and ten or fifteen million close friends. I'm certain last nights finale drew a huge crowd of teeth gnashing middle-aged women, and their only salve after seeing Disney cartoon character, Watering-pot Tenley get emotionally gutted on national TV was the satisfaction of watching the Cheeser explode on impact.

Ground Zero: St. Lucia

The show opens with more scenic vistas of St. Lucia and I've barely settled into my seat with a glass of liquid painkiller when Joke opens fire with his bullshit machine gun:
"I'm in love with two women!"
Fair warning, we'll come under fire more times during this episode than the Marines in Afghanistan, and just like those young titans, I'm gonna' return fire! But before I can finish ducking and rolling my eyes, Shorty crashes a bungalow on Jalousie Bay and greets six members of his family. Six? Pretty impressive. And since I know what a cheap bastard Executive Producer/Human septic tank, Mike Fleiss is, I know that this family has paid their own fare to the tropics sensing that their retarded relative is about to immolate himself. Call it a salt peter intervention, but alas, it failed. He starts describing his two remaining gals, but before his family can even start to question his insane judgment, the Cheeser, acting like a guilty schoolboy, tells on himself for being a nasty horndog.

Ma Cheese: "Is she the girl everyone hates?"
Cheese Pilot: (Gulp) "Yeah."

About fifteen years back, Ma Cheese would have started handing out some whoop-ass for this inanity, but since her son is old enough to start loosing his hair instead of growing some new ones in strange, itchy places, she settles for a sneer of disapproval. Cheeser starts some self-flagellation immediately, "I just poisoned the well against Vienna. I didn't mean to do that. If they don't like her its my fault." Yeah, that excuse will come in handy later. But before we can get to the object of Jake's woody issues, its time for the family to meet the girl they will be able to stand, the emotionally shattered Disney princess, Watering-pot Tenley. She goes first and is met by Le Fromage out in front of the bungalow and led indoors. Constant voice overs from the cheese hormone telegraph his coming face plant adventure pretty clearly. "Tenley? Oh, they'll love her. I'm not worried about that." He shouldn't have been. This couldn't have gone any better if Tenley had led the family in a rendition of "It's a Small World." The whole family praises Tenley to the rooftops and her personality is so infectious when she praises the folks for setting a great example by their wonderful marriage, Pa Cheese springs a joyful leak. The accolades roll in: "She perfect for my son. I'd love having her in the family...etc.etc.etc." Sis Cheese even goes so far as to call the contest over: "This is the one I think you should marry."
"But you haven't even met the other girl."
"So?"
Ouch. Jake, desperate for them to find some fault with his girlfriend, tells me she hasn't seen him roughhousing it up. To fix this sole error, they all jump into the pool and have a big group hug. Date over.

Vienna's Turn


The Sausage arrives next and Jake is already telling us he's thrown her under the bus to his family already. Prepping himself for some justification for later, he leads her up and into the den of nice people. They sit and talk and have a bite to eat and the family private interviews start at once. Sis Cheese hits her for a lack of class. Vienna answers their queries by just saying she is brutally honest. Jake's sis-in-law asks her to compare herself to Tenley and Vienna says she is not a robot, insinuating that Tenley is. "She has no opinions about anything. Never says a bad word about anyone but just goes along with everyone else." Ma Cheese bags her for being "abrasive", and one of Jake's brothers takes the cheeser for a walk and comments that Vienna seems immature. "Yep," Joke agrees, "she's got some growing up to do." Sounds like wife-material to me. Ma even starts warning Jake about red flags. Its here that that producers stepped in and started twisting some arms or the family, cringing against a wall, could see the abyss heading their way and the edit takes an abrupt u-turn. Suddenly Ma, Sis, Pa, even the brothers all seem to think they judged Vienna unfairly. Why? That we're not shown. Jake beams in relief as the date comes to a close. It's at this point that I should be able to copy/paste my finale template right in here and tell you that Jake met with his family to review the girls and just like always, the family split down the middle and ended up being no help to The Bachelor at all and left him "More confused than ever!" I wish I could do that. It would have saved me some typing, but for the first time since I've been watching this show, the family advice to Jake was never shown. Take that for what you will.

A Bubbling, Smelly, Stankhole

Get you minds out of the gutter. I'm just describing the "amazing" godawful chunk of sulfur-mudhole Joke took the Sausage to for their final date. Dropping all pretense at romance, Fleiss orders the cheese to drag his bimbette into a sulfur-spring mudhole so they can hold their noses and splay each other with wads of silky, fart-smelling mud. Yuck. They make out covered in slimy mud and finger paint "I love you" on each others foul-smelling skin. What, is this German Porno or something? I almost wretch and the Wench Queen screams "gross!", but Jake and Vienna get all turned on anyway. Skipping ahead. Night falls and back at her room, Vienna gives Jake her Promise-not-to-be-a-bimbo-and-run-off-with-some-dude-I-barely-know-and-elope-Ring she got for her dad since she's now ready to run off and get engaged to some guy she barely knows instead. They spend the next fifteen minutes or so cooing loudly over each other.

Tenley Has the Sex Appeal of a Large Kitchen Appliance

Jake meets Tenley for their last date and tries to work in one more lame flight reference, "I'm on Cloud 9 with Tenley!" Shut it, you douche. Anyway, he takes her out on some chartered yacht and they go snorkeling along some scenic coral reefs. After a brief dip, Jake starts to pout like a little boy and Tenley, using her Tickle-Me Elmo voice, finally gets him to spill about what's wrong. "It...its just this is the oppsite for me. We have this strong emotional chemistry but usually, well, usually I have this strong physical chemistry and the emotional chemistry never develops. Our physical chemistry is developing very slowly. "

"Isn't it supposed to be like that," Tinkerbell asks with a falling face.

Jake shrugs, "This is the opposite for me...I've always gone with the girls I've had strong physical chemistry with...which is maybe where I've been going wrong." What he forgot to add was,"...and since I've learned nothing in my 31 years of acting like a walking hard on, I'm going to do it again!" I can hear some cheese-defenders out there saying, "But Captain, you should have strong physical chemistry with your intended. This makes sense!" No, I'll tell you what makes sense; figuring out you have no physical chemistry with a gal long before you cut 23 other women in front of her. If he needed vavoom so badly, why did he ax Gia the pro? She could turn on someone who'd been dead for a week. Anyway, Tenley tucks her head down and cries.

Getting Some--Disney-Style!

Night falls and Jake, certain he's looking like a turd in front of millions because Tenley doesn't turn him on, spends the entire date night with her praising everything about her but her sexual hotness. Dancing all around the issue that would label him as a pig, Jake praises her smile, eyes, teeth, heart of gold, etc. Buoyed by this awkward non-denial for some reason, Tenley hands him a scrapbook-type thing and vows to the cameras she is going to show him chemistry all right! She orders him onto the bed for some tepid kissing and the cameras pull back to make us think he cheesed her.

And His Dick Shall Lead Him

Some guy named Neil something (I'm a guy; I don't know the name of ring sellers, so be quiet) comes to the cheese warren bearing engagement rings despite the fact that Joke has just spent fifteen precious minutes of my life I'll never get back letting us know he can't make up his mind between the two women. He ponders over the ice and tells Neil whoever the same thing. I thought the old guy was gonna' crack up in his face, but instead he suggests Jake take two for when he makes up his mind. (I'll let the absurdity of that statement speak for itself.) He sits around agonizing and ponders his two rings. "I'm flip-flopping. One minute its Tenley, the next it's Vienna." Suddenly, his dick decides. "I know what I'm going to do and in my pants, er, I mean my heart, I know its the right decision."

St. Lucia Helicopter Tours has Gotten its Money's Worth

Eschewing limos, both women are led to the Final Rose Ceremony in helicopters. Unsurprisngly, Tenley lands first where the wingman makes his first appearance of the episode. He walks Tenley inside to Jake while constant voice-overs make her sound 100% confident and I start to wonder if he didn't bone her the night before or is she really this clueless. She walks up and he starts stammering and bawling like he needs to change his Kotex. It's an agonizingly slow and painful goodbye as he mumbles that he loves her and she is wonderful and perfect. In between her tears, she asks, "Then why are you telling me goodbye?" Jake could have just said: "Cause I'm a man, and we're pigs," but he doesn't and finally puts her into a SUV so she can really break down. He wanders back so Vienna can land and he can go cliff diving. Ker-Splat!

AFTER THE FINAL DANCING WITH THE STARS ROSE WITH THE CHICK FROM FACEBOOK

You saw it. It was lame. Jake on Dancing With The Stars? My wife watches that show. What the hell do I have to do to get away from this guy!? Tenley comes out and asks him if he was so torn between her and Vienna, why did he take such a big step and propose to Vienna? Been waiting for a rejected finalist to ask the douchy Bachelor that for years! Thank you, Tenley. Jake just mumbles. Tenley tries to ask him what was missing between them. Jake, still certain he looks like a horses ass, mumbles around the truth. "I don't know what was missing. I can't put my finger on it." Of course you can't Jake; that's because Vienna has her hand wrapped around it all the time. Anyway, Vienna comes out and they sit together. Love? In the eye of the beholder, I suppose, but they didn't even look like they liked each other to me. Vienna says they want some 'normalcy'. Ya mean normalcy like Jake appearing on another reality show? She's moving to Texas and he's heading to LA. Yeah, this will work. 6 family members in St. Lucia and none in LA? Form your own conclusions. Oh, and Harrison, stop stealing my lines. Half-Mesnick my ass.

ALI is the New Bachelorette

Once they've removed Vienna from the vicinity, they announce her hated enemy, Chemical Ali as the next Bachelorette. My thoughts? Ok, fine. Better than Jake. Big romance ahead? Sure, just as long as he follows Ali to LA where she is hoping to appear on next years Dancing With The Stars. More famewhoredom. Remember when used to at least believe that these people wanted to fall in love? Nah, me neither.

Well, its over--thank god! See ya when Ali goes looking for a gig on Good Morning America.