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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Offseason wrap-up: Ben Gets Nekkid, Roberto Gets Some Sense, and In Defense of Reality Steve


This is a test post to try out some new equipment I have for the blog and to give a special thanks to deedreamer over at Bach forum (Fort 2) for the awesome job she did on the new masthead.You rock, sugar! That said, we are but a few short weeks away from the start of the next season of the Bachelor and already the internet is alive with spoilers and potential spoilers for this season. 

One thing that is undeniable is that filming has indeed finished and some outcome is at hand. Rumors circulate at a Final Rose Ceremony held in a cold climate, with results as yet unknown. One thing you can rest assured of while you stuff your gullets with holiday fare is that your ship captain will be back at the con of his dread pirate ship again this season, taking whacks and chops at "vino" Ben Flajnik and whatever herd of desperate famewhores the Fleissmonster has recruited for him this season. But this year, there will be a twist.

You see, for the first time in well, EVER, I got the Bachelor I really wanted for the gig, and like the good Samaritan I am (well, mostly) I'll take the responsibility one should and be extra hard on the guy I helped choose. Seems only fair. As much as I've bitched in the past about these jokers, it's my turn (and Ben's) to pay my dues. And I see the shitstorm has already started. The first few promos have been released and “Bachelor 16:The Quest to Peddle Vino”, is rapidly evolving into “Bachelor 16, The Legend of Ben's Ass”, after a promo shows Ben and one shapely ’ette going for a skinny dip in the ocean complete with full backside nudity,and then getting mighty close while in the water. The online moral cops are already blasting him for being a horndog and frat boy. (It doesn't help matters that the ’ette in question is being portrayed as a wicked bitch either) Hard to argue with them too; the only way he and the bitch-ette avoided actually having sex in that scene was for the bitch to ignore Ben's vine stem, which was undoubtedly hard as a brick and inches from her goodies trying to impale her. Chris “wingman” Harrison hopped out from wherever he lurks to fill us in on the story arc they have planned too: Ben was not serious at start of the process but became the most sincere Bachelor EVER! (translation: Ben got drunk and screwed as many as he could before waking up and picking one, and now having to explain to his new "fiancé" why he was drunk and screwing a girl she probably hates on national TV) So, Ben is on his way to sleazing things up while selling some wine and obviously getting laid in the process. No wonder I liked this guy. One forum poster where I hang out sometimes referred to this season as “delicious trash.” Props Alainna, you have just described what is heading our way more succinctly and accurately than I could have. Bravo!

Oh, since this is merely a blog test, I wasn't going to share any thoughts, but since the breaking news this offseason was the break up of Ali Fedotowsky and Groucho Roberto Martinez, I suppose I should comment. Also a lawsuit has landed on a fellow blogger like a falling satellite,so I'll opine:

Ali and Roberto:


I am positively stunned they lasted this long. Don't get me wrong, I never rooted against them in the least. I just can't believe they stuck it out as long as they did. Yeah, I know; that's not gonna be popular. Too bad. In all the seasons I've watched this crap, they were the most mismatched pair I've ever seen (excepting the obvious travesties: Jake/Vienna; Grant/Lamas) I mean among the couples who were truly sincere and tried to make a go of it. No use putting your head in the sand about it, Ali was a 100 mph career girl and Roberto was from a deeply traditional and conservative family background. She seems to adore the red carpet and he seems like he wants a normal life. Just not compatible. 

Here's what I wrote on the hometown visit that season:
Roberto's family comes as no surprise; a strong, traditional family with traditional values. Ali is met by Pops Martinez Sr., his hot-milf wife, Roberto's beefcake brother and his hottie wife, and Roberto's hottie sister. They sit down to a meal and Roberto's brother wants to know why Roberto was given the First Impression Rose. Ali insists it was because of a "feeling", which sounds more appropriate than admitting that Roberto gave her fire-crotch. Dinner finished, Pops Martinez move in quick. After a quick tour of Roberto's baseball trophies, he pins Ali with some direct questions. He asks Ali about her personal goals and she answers honestly about her career drive. Pops, being a 30 year-veteran of the marriage game, lauds his boy and tries to make a judgment between Ali's career goals and Roberto's. "He has big goals. His job might take him different places. If you had to sacrifice some of your personal goals for him, for his career...how do you feel about that?" Ali stammers like a tobacco executive in front of a congressional committee. "I want to make Roberto happy and I can't do that if I'm not happy, so I need something to fulfill me too." She goes on like a politician but at least she's honest, if circuitous in her answer. From the accent, it sounds like English is not Pops' first language but he seems to have no trouble deciphering that answer. He raises an eyebrow at her and heard the translation of all of that blithering as clearly as I did: "I'll be sacrificing my career goals for any man on the 5th of NEVER!" It's a fair question and a fair answer--its also about as compatible as Pauly Shore and Angelina Jolie. Rumors are circulating that this might be the guy. I sure as hell hope not. I'd rather no engagement than a short, miserable one. Roberto and Pops have a sit down and Pops gives his hesitant blessing. The man is no fool. This hasn't got a chance in hell. Pops and his milf-wife do some sexy dancing but...date-might-as-well-be-over. Ali shown to opine: "This is real...and I'm almost getting cold feet." Ya think?

Evidence of this theory wasn't long in coming either: not two days after having their publicist begging for privacy during these “tough times” Ali sold the story of their break-up to People Magazine. Roberto? He hasn't said a damn thing and probably won't. Back in Tampa, you could practically hear his dad nod his head and say “back to work, son. It will go away soon enough.” Ali is headed for any news outlet that will feature her, Roberto is headed back to work to sell more insurance policies. Not compatible. Longer I live, the more I realize that compatibility is the most important attribute a couple needs. They need a lot else, but If you don't have that, you're doomed from the get go. Most sober people agreed that Roberto was a mile out of her league anyway, and the inevitable chorus has started to promote Roberto as the next Bachelor. I don't think he'd ever consent, but he would be a popular choice. 

Reality Steve:


Ok, this was a bit of a shocker. Bachelor executive producer/cockroach, Mike Fleiss, has ordered his lawyers to go after spoiler-king, Reality Steve Carbone. Fleiss is alleging that Steve has been sending emails to at least one contestant urging them to break their unconscionable confidentiality (indentured servitude) contract and offering them money to do so. Before I begin this, allow me to insert a caveat: for all his spoiler info I gleefully await (like many others), I think Steve is a total asshole. He is rude, arrogant, mean, and dismissive to his own readers and anyone who watches this show. He is Fleiss' opposite number in every imaginable way; two cretins who deserve each other and go together like “stink” and “shit”. 
Caveat delivered, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to rise in defense of the defendant at the Bar: Reality Steve

Not a popular stand I'm sure, but one I'm forced to adopt anyway. Fleiss' allegation in this suit is that Steve has “harmed” his show by spoiling it is absurd on its face. Leaving aside Steve's odious personality and questionable methods of information gathering, the motivation behind this move is as transparent as cellophane; an attempt to bleed Steve out of money defending himself and to frighten Steve's sources. Fleiss, who continually Tweets in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement, (the “brothers and sisters”; “down with the MAN”) is being an iron-fisted hypocrite of the worst sort. A multi-millionaire “Wall Street” Sympathizer who is using the equivalent of mafia-style intimidation tactics against a blogger who's been a pain in his ass. The suit is frivolous beyond any credulity. I'm no lawyer (and don't want to be one) but proving “harm” when the exact opposite is true, is impossible. Legal blather aside, there have been two Bachelors in the the last 5 years of this shows run: pre-Steve and post-Steve. Steve started spoiling during the Jason Mesnick, Melissa Rycroft, Molly Mesnick (née Mallany) fiasco. The ratings before that carwreck had sunk so low that the show was in danger of cancellation. Since the spoilers, and all the tabloid coverage Steve and his spoilers have engendered, the show has had a ratings re-birth. A first year law student, armed with a ratings chart and a count of tabloid covers pre and post Steve, could eat Fleiss' suit alive, in the unlikely event a judge even allowed it to proceed. It's a joke;something worthy of Vladimir Putin or Hafez Al-Assad. It's the legal equivalent of a visit from two mafia goons, intent on breaking Steve's legs. It's sucks. Just like its plaintiff. 

Steve's personality aside, I cannot support this kind of legal silencing. I know many online are cheering his downfall, and I certainly understand why; Steve is a jerk of the worst sort, but cottoning these types of attacks in a free society, I cannot do. Steve may be a roach, he may urge people to break an agreement they freely signed, but trying to hush people through intimidation merely makes Fleiss look as mean and petty as he is. Unbelievably, that luminary of class, Jesse Csinsack (the "stoned snowboarder" from DeAnna's fiasco) insists he was offered 30 Grand by Fleiss to find Steve's sources. His comments on what a gut of bile Fleiss is notwithstanding, it's also obvious Csinsack tried to collect. He rails against Fleiss “the iron fist of Hollywood” and the slave contract he makes people sign to be on TV, while making it clear he practically broke his neck trying to collect the cash. Rub-a-dub-dub, three turds in a tub. But Fleiss wins as the biggest floater. Gross

Ok folks, that all for the off season wrap up. Allow me a moment to plug a fellow snark blogger and a damned funny one. On the left side of this page you will see a link to "Some Guy in Austin", a blogger from the great state of Texas. His site is called "Think It!". You can find it in the link lit on the let. After writing my blog I always head his way to get a few extra chuckles. Unlike some bloggers I could mention, I make no money from this absurd endeavor, and don't mind promoting a competitor who deserves it. Funny is funny, and this guy is. Check him out! Ok, until they spritz down the driveway, pull the wingman away from his soon-to-be-cancelled gameshow, and dress Ben up like a limo driver to greet his famewhores, enjoy the holidays and I'll see you when we are all desperately in need of a diet.

Arghhhhh! 





4 comments:

Amberish said...

There you go ... proving, once again, to be the better man.

I am apparently not (a good woman), because I agree with Fleiss' move to stop Reality Steve, only because he has to; for otherwise, why shouldn't any participant openly sell spoilers or sell to the highest bidder?

Anyway, that is my story and I am sticking to it! ;)

Toasting good health and prosperity for the new season ...

jelle said...

I have to applaud your stance on all issues, especially the "three turds in a tub" comment. Indeed. Ha! Direct hit!

Ali-berto ... they did a great job of managing the PR crew for as long as they did. Ironic that her majesty broke it off .. I suspect a Roberto ultimatum. Hmmm....

The image of Ben as a sweet, sensitive vinter hopefully will get squashed like an overipe grape. Bring on Storm Horse!

Good job Captain!

Some Guy In Austin, Texas said...

Nice work, Barbarossa. I appreciate the plug and the comment on my site as well. It's nice to see male genitalia in the mix (figuratively, of course). Enjoy your holidays and stay in touch. I'm curious to see your favorites. DP (Some Guy in Austin)

Some Guy In Austin, Texas said...

Nice work, Barbarossa. I appreciate the plug and the comment on my site as well. It's nice to see male genitalia in the mix (figuratively, of course). Enjoy your holidays and stay in touch. I'm curious to see your favorites. DP (Some Guy in Austin)