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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

1/30--Stormhorse in All His Glory



Man, I must be watching the wrong channel. Is this Flava Flav? Brett Michaels? Did I stumble into some Rock of Love? 70's porno? Damn. Just damn. The question I asked the first week of this season now has a definitive answer: Welcome, Mr. Stormhorse! Your condoms and Cream Dream lotions are ready. No wonder those poor bastards in Puerto Rico thought they were filming a porno--they were! Bob Guiney you can sleep soundly at night; you've been surpassed as the all-time sleaze king of the Bachelor. While Bob composes a love sonnet to Ben Flajnik for taking him off the hook, I guess I better try and recap.

This week starts out with Ben narrating the big move from Utah to Vieques, Puerto Rico. A cheap graphic helps the idiots in the audience know that Puerto Rico is a really long, long away from the Rocky Mountains. Thanks Fleiss. Geography teachers everywhere can join in and hate you too. Stool Pidgeon Emily does the honors this week by telling us that Puerto Rico is an "amazing place to fall in love." But don't let that confuse you. It's not "the perfect place to fall in love," like Utah was, unless Kacie was lying last week. Anyway, the women arrive onshore in a dinghy and crash this week's product placement gimme' where Chris "Wingman" Harrison hauls them out of doors to pimp the resort that's footing the bill this week. The Wingman runs down the date line up for the week--2, 1-on-1's and 1 Group Date. This week everyone gets to escape from the gilded cage and will participate. Harrison smirks, drops the first date card and departs for the local liquor lounge, fully half of his "work" done for the week. Nurse Jamie finds her missing vocal chords and reads off:

"Nicki,
I'm wondering what a Puerto Rican tablecloth will look like on your slightly plump thighs--let's find out, Ben!"

This starts the drumbeat of shitty comments coming from Queen Courtney; this will continue all episode. She starts the assault on Stool Pigeon Emily while wearing a shirt that says "Be Nice!" I think Fleiss blotted out the rest of the shirt that read, "…or I'll rip your fucking head off!" Regardless, Nicki, wearing some fingernail polish made by Crayola, and a dress that looks like Walt Disney threw up on it, heads out to meet our horny hero.

They head out and start with a helicopter trip around the island and land in Old San Juan. They decide to have a wander around date, but Mother Nature intrudes and the rain pours down. They squat in a doorway and then decide since they're wet to try and dress like two Puerto Rican stereotypes, but succeed only in looking like two dorks. Ben dresses in all white looking like a Gringo Good Humor Ice Cream Man, and Nicki pulls on some hideous-looking number that hurts my eyes. They stalk someone else's wedding and agree you should shack up before marrying. As darkness falls, Ben sits her down and quizzes her about her marriage. Nicki gives him a bunch of canned answers that basically amounted to her having totally unrealistically expectations of marriage. Love these young pups who think that marriage is supposed to be a fifty year orgy complete with violin music and champagne in bed every morning, instead of a healthy, happy partnership and years of joyful contentment. Well, she's perfect for this show anyway. Ben shows interest but also a ton of doubts. Ben seems to agree that marriage should involve perpetual cupid shots in the ass, and hands her the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the gimme', Elyse, the Fitness Nazi and Boom-Boom Blakely try and have an argument about who is more desperate to go on a date with Ben when there's a knock at the door. Jennifer the Red rises to announce the Group Date gang: Lindzi the Mispelled; Queen Courtney; Herself; Sweetie Pie Kacie; Stool Pidgeon Emily; Chain Smokin' Rachel; Casey S.; Nurse Jamie; and Boom-Boom Blakely. Elyse lets out an Exorcist-worthy screech since she gets the 1on1. 5 shows in, one group date, and she's excited she's getting called out? Gawd, don't these women actually watch this mess before they sign up? As she sat there grinning, I could already see the scimitar swinging at her neck.

Turns out Ben's little missive about "diamonds being a girl's best friend", meant baseball diamond. The group gang heads to a minor league baseball stadium in San Juan to play some ball. Ben wanders around Roberto Clemente Stadium fingering a baseball beside a cool statue of the legend himself as the women drive up in a school bus. Boom-Boom Blakely declares this her perfect date. "I'm super athletic." I started laughing until she swung the bat and WHOA! She swings that ripstick like a dude! Take it from your Captain, who played 12 years of organized ball, that was no girlie swing! The girl's got bat speed; and this is just the start of me being impressed. As they work out and the rest of them, well, play like girls, Harrison emerges from the local cocktail lounge and calls them all up. Turns out they're going to split up into two teams and only the winners get to hang with Ben after nightfall. Harrison lets Ben pick one gal to play for both teams and he picks the spastic lefty, Lindzi the Misspelled. Harrison then picks Queen Courtney and Boom-Boom as Captains and they pick teams: Boom-Boom's Blues and Courtney's Red Harlots. The women dress and put that fake crap under their eyes to look like ball players while Ben takes the mound and shows off a girlie arm of his own. The Red Team immediately shells him for 5 runs in the 1st inning. I was expecting Roberto Martinez to come walking out of the dugout and try and put out the fire, but Ben hangs in as the Blue Team lights him up as well. The Blues finally get smart and place Boom-Boom out behind second base where she spends the rest of the night running left and right catching everything near her. Courtney quickly opines: "Blakely is like a champion out there; who knew hookers could play baseball?" You're calling someone else a hooker, skank bait? While Casey S. shows off the massive girlie arm, Blakely drives in three runs to tie it. In extra innings, Red gets up 10-9, and Jennifer the Red steps up to whiff in the clutch. The bummed Blues wander off back to the bus while a helicopter lands, but a giddy Ben gets to eye all the Red Harlot meat and knows he gets extra time with Queen Courtney. Blakely leads the girls back to the bus where they all bawl a lot about losing as they are shipped back to the resort cage to cool their heels. Sad, but Blakely made me a fan anyway. She might be a Hooter's Girl, but the woman can play. I'll respect that. That should have been an auto-rose regardless.

Ben takes the five winning Reds down to the beach as darkness descends for a party on the beach. Constant interview inserts let Courtney act like a spoiled brat before she gets her chance to show Blakely just what a callgirl should act like. Anyway, Ben does the rounds with the whole bunch before he takes Sweetie Pie Kacie aside and Ben gets to whine that all the hookers he usually dates don't love him back. But whatever nothing they spoke about prompts him to grab Kacie B. and give her the rose. That gets Queen Courtney in motion so she swipes Ben away and leads him down the beach where she drops into her baby voice and propositions him to go skinny dipping with her. Ben, who's half-drunk and all horny, perks up at that suggestion. Date over. For now.

Ben's Cannon Fodder

Before getting laid, Ben decides to perform a little foreplay by taking Elyse, the Fitness Nazi out for a day on the water to charm her and kiss her, before announcing that there is no future and dumping her. Not exactly a surprise. She's barely been allowed out of the cage to this point. Shame. I know some folks online who think Elyse has chin stubble and bigger set of balls than Ben, but I disagree. First of all, her ovaries are bigger than Ben's balls, I admit that, and I've never had conventional taste in women, but I thought she was damned attractive; dark and exotic. But when she took off that dress, yeowza! What a bod! She demonstrated that the label "fitness trainer" was no lie. Toned and somewhat muscular (but not mannish) I thought Elyse, with the exception of some below average teeth, was quite a dish. True, we never knew anything about her outside of that horrible "Who IS she!" screech she launched a few weeks back, but man she would have had to have been one major grating bitch for me to cut her. Just Exhibit A proving that Ben and I are very different men. That night, after wasting a day trying to lure her into a false sense of security on a yacht, Ben takes her to a dinner on the beach. He's dressed in some half-tux get-up paired with cut off jeans like he's Barbaro Meets Huck Finn. Elyse shows up looking radiant in a white, off-the-shoulder dress. Ben fiddles around acting bored to tears and keeps looking for anything she said he can use as an excuse to dump her. "Earlier, you said you'd already done everything you wanted to do?" C'mon Ben, just put her out of her misery. He waits until she utters the word "honest" and jumps at his cue, "I can't give you this rose," he twirls the flower around and puts it back down as she starts to cry. "What did I do wrong?" She cries as he walks her away to a dinghy to get the ride of shame out on the Caribbean. "He didn't give me a chance," she cries correctly. Nope, and never intended to either, Elyse. Some dude crashes the cage and snaps Elyse's bag away as Courtney laughs, "Wonder of she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out? Another one bites the dust!" Puke.

Cream Dream Realized

While Courtney crows about Elyse's departure, she gathers up some wine and two glasses and heads out to her producer-prompted rendezvous. Ben, being followed back to "his" place by the cameras for the firs time in Bachelor history, is being filmed trying to get his room key out when Courtney whistles at him from the steps behind him where she's lurking. Ben immediately invites her in with him. They lounge around getting buzzed before she urges him to take down to the water for a skinny dip. Ben, like a callous fool, hops at her suggestion and off they go. Down by the waters edge, they make out, strip down naked, and head out into the waves. Once there, well, he bangs her. I've actually heard that people are arguing whether or not they had sex. Seriously? C'mon folks, we're all adults here. (at least I hope we are). Two blitzed people who are attracted to each other strip down and skinny dip in shoulder-high water in a full embrace? Their genitals were in full contact karate mode? It's almost impossible NOT to have sex in that circumstance. It would take two people trying VERY hard and fighting every drive in their natures not to. With these two? Seriously? It would be like telling a woman in labor not to push. Not happening. One things for certain, this was the most disrespectful thing I've seen a Bachelor do in the eight seasons I've been watching this. When I first saw the preview, I thought it happened later--on the Fantasy Dates--and I cut Stormhorse some slack. But this was when there was still nine women waiting back inside the gilded cage. What woman would want him after this? I hope he picked Courtney. The rest are too good for him. And Courtney? Don't ever call anyone a hooker again unless you're looking in the mirror. You just sold your ass for facetime on an ABC show. It must be pretty cheap ass.  Ben, go find some balls.

The next night at the cocktail party the producers get Courtney to get people talking about skinny dipping so we can watch her smirk some more and chew her lips off. Drunk as always, Courtney actually refrained from telling the other girls about her conquest. I was shocked. I thought she'd come running into the room swinging the used condom over her head like a lasso. Who am I kidding? What condom? Ben at least has enough of a conscience to admit, "Courtney and I shared a pretty intimate moment and I'm feeling crappy about it." Not as crappy as all the women you disrespected with your Stormhorse bit, asshole. I can just imagine Kacie Boguskie having to sit there next to her parents watching this as they throw up. A new low.

The party continues but I'm spent and almost too disgusted to listen. Stool Pigeon Emily gets Ben alone and can't keep her mouth shut about Courtney…again. Ben tells her to "drop it, and "you need to tread lightly." If Emily had any balls she would have bitched him out for that arrogant threat and left right there, but she doesn't. Harrison finally comes wandering in and calls it off. But Ben has one more nasty surprise to pull just to make sure people think he's rat puke.

Roses:

Already safe: Nicky the Narrator and Sweetie Pie Kacie

1) Lindzi the Misspelled: a very quite night.
2) Nurse Jamie: Ha! Ha! Look girl, I like you, but if you don't start talking here…
3) Chain Smokin' Rachel: Very closely resembling a Dress Filler for someone still alive so deep in this.
4) Queen Courtney: "Courtney, I'm so glad they screen everyone who comes on this show for V.D. and will you accept this condom?"
5) Casey S.: Who?
6) Blakely: Stop fake-crying and go get your flower, slugger!
7) Stool Pigeon Emily: No producer shenanigans with this one. Oh how I would have loved "Emily, will you accept this rose?
"Actually, no thanks, you stuck up, arrogant prick! See ya!" but it was not to be.

Cut: Jennifer the Red. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Jesus, Ben; could you get any lower in my eyes right now? She might have been the sweetest gal on the show? Dude, you have no honor, no class, and no taste in women! You're the total package, all right.

Next week: Something happens with Casey S. Who?







Wednesday, January 25, 2012

1/24-Prince Benjamin the Gullible.


Welcome, my friends. This week Ben and the Mean Girl gang are off to Park City, Utah to frolic among the meadows and for Ben to get fleeced like a sheep by contestant, Courtney Robertson. More on that shortly. But more importantly, this is the week where Producer/dirtbag, Mike Fleiss, starts to plug the contestants into the nicely drilled holes of his Bachelor Template. We will see the contestant who gets jealous having to share the Bachelor with a bunch of other women and can't deal with "the process." We see the annual specter of one stupid contestant who commits broadcast suicide by trying to tattle on another contestant. But fortunately, we do get see a side of Utah I never knew existed: namely, a beautiful outdoorsy wilderness that looked like the Garden of Eden. It was just a shame they had to spoil it by making me watch the rest of the show. Anyway, let's rock it!

Park City

The show opens with Ben, navel gazing among the streams and meadows of Utah, insisting that he's dragging his harem here so he can see how they handle the outdoors and not because some producer-maggot told him to. We see Ben standing around in his California version of flannels and jeans, looking all ruggedly manly riding a horse quite inexpertly, and trying desperately to smack up some macho despite the Prince Valiant haircut. He's dressed in what is supposed to be some version of rugged, "manly chic"--which a REAL manly dude would call "Pussy Poseur". While Ben swears his sincerity to the process, the women land at te airport and head on in to this week's product placement gimme', The Canyons Resort. The women crash the gimme' and quick as a flash, Chris "Wingman" Harrison appears out of thin air to pimp The Canyons in return for the Presidential Suite he's undoubtedly crashing in the rest of the week, and to cue the babes up for the date lineup this week. There will be three dates--1 group date and 2, 1-on-1's. Racing for the door to go and hide all the smuggled stash The Canyons let him carry into prohibitionist Utah, Harrison tosses down a date card and imparts some fatherly advice: "Not everyone will get a date this week, so my advice to you is whatever time you get with Ben, make it count. Don't just sit around and talk about the weather…act mean or try and stool pigeon one of your competitors and stir up some shit, why don't ya?"

Utah Deep Freeze

As Harrison departs, Lindzi the Misspelled rises and reads the date card while Sweetie Pie Kacie B. starts her episode long mopefest about how much she wants every second with Ben. Lindzi calls out Chain Smokin' Rachel to go freeze up and barely escape getting eliminated. Whining, crying, and looking clingy, Kacie bawls as Rachel goes to sneak one more smoke and brush her teeth before Ben arrives. And how does Prince Valiant arrive? I'll give you a hint; it wasn't in an airboat. Ben helicopters in to helicopter the chain smokin' one away to a lake in the middle of Eden. Rachel, wearing a white tanktop with a trendy sweater shows off a great set of juggs as they settle in down by the waters egde and…(chirp chirp chirp…) crickets descend. The conversation is more forced than a tooth extraction. Voice overs let us know that Rachel is absolutely no good at opening up with California weirdos she barely knows. Boy I hope she isn't planning on trying to break into the entertainment field. Anyway, here's the bottom line: other than awesome scenery and the usual Stormhorse exhibition of crappy kissing, this date sucked. Ben and Rachel looked as compatible as me and my mother-in-law with Rachel, acting about as interesting as a can of paint. Most of the date was spent trying to tease us that she was about to get dumped. Meh. Who cares? He kept her cause she's pretty and has big juggs. Date over.

Back at the gimme', the group date card arrives and Dr. Emily, who's in for a rough night, reads out of the names of: Nurse Jamie; Casey S.; and to add some speaking and a little skank to the date, Boom-Boom Blakely; Lindzi the Misspelled; Samantha the Pageant Queen; Nicki the Narrator; Sweetie Pie Kacie B.; and Courtney the Sharktress. Ben wants to know if they want to wallow around in a stream wearing giant rubber garbage bags around their legs and let Harrison hire some local Indian to attach a rubber trout to Courtney's hook. The women all affirm that very desire. While Courtney acts as self-centered and awful as usual, Dr. Emily gleefully predicts that once Prince Valiant sees the Sharktress treat everyone as horribly as they all treated Shawntel Newton last week, that's she's history. Why do women never study the tapes of this show before they sign that slavery contract and agree to come on? Stool Pigeon Emily and the other girls head out.

Courtney's Rubber Trout

Ben comes riding up on a horse spraying "Man on Horse" pheromones all over the place and greets the women. I swear, Don Knotts could come riding up on a horse and women would tackle him to the ground. What is with women's reactions to men on horseback? He's the same metrosexual dork he was when he sloppy kissed you with his lip gloss on last week, ladies; calm your asses down! Boom-Boom Blakely nearly faints and tells us he looked like a "Knight in Shining Armor". All except for the armor, the knight, and shining parts, she's right. At least he's got the page boy hairdo down. Oh man, I hate that cliche. If a Knight in Shining Armor actually did come riding up to you out of the mists of the 12th century, you'd run the other way at top speed. What those fairy tales fail to mention is that a Medieval knight's most fearsome dragon-killing weapon was his breath. He'd have rotten teeth from the non-existent medieval dental care and smell like a bucket of unbathed, shining ass. You'd rather kiss his horse. Trust me. So much for your romantic fantasy now, eh? You're welcome! And don't even get me started on those Wild West cowpokes…

Anyway, Ben rides up and greets the women. Once they stop squealing and heavy breathing, he mounts them up on their own horseys and rides them off to a stream. Soon dressed in hip waders and equipped with some cheap-looking flyfishing equipment, Ben wanders around trying to teach them how to flyfish since I'm sure he's a practiced expert. The women unspool a ton of line and plop the flies down in the 24 inch-deep water and stand there. Ben offers helpful hints like "let if float; just let it float." and "use your wrist." Kacie B. whines that she needs to get closer to him so she flails away pathetically with her flycaster and he comes over to coach her up and…help her not at all. Ben then runs off to Courtney the Sharktress, who is also standing in the water doing nothing. They head further downstream where she stands there like a statue and the Indian Guide Harrison hired slithers out of the cattails and hooks a rubber trout to Courtney's line. The haul it in and Ben decides to kiss the slimy thing, proving he'll kiss anything, and then makes Courtney kiss it too; proving she'll do anything to be on TV.This was just a big excuse to showcase Kacie's clingyness, and mostly Courtney's awfulness. Ben tells her she has "natural ability." I'm sure she does Ben, but it's not flyfishing, dumbass. What pathetic groveling.

When night falls, Ben hauls them back to the 'gimme and for the first time we get to hear Casey S. speak so the viewers will know who she is when she stirs the shit between Courtney and Stool Pidgeon Emily. Ben informs her he's been in love "4 times". Casey scowls, "Do you fall in love easily?" Ha, ha; no wonder they won't let her talk. Quit asking pushy questions of Prince Valiant, Casey. That's the signal for Nicki the Narrator to get a move on so we can see her weekly effort to get a few seconds with Ben. They better show us something if she makes it much further, because for all her narrating, we've scarcely the two of them in the same area code. Nicki digs deep to establish a connection and since she doesn't have a dead relative to parley, she settles for a dead boss. Ben nods empathetically and manages to conjure a tale of a freshly dead friend to trump her. In lieu of anything else to do, they make out, and the producers send Samantha the Pageant Queen in to interrupt them and get herself dumped. Now, spoilers insist that Samantha had fallen in love with yet another one of Fleiss' producer-maggots and wanted to leave the week previously. If that's true, this was all staged; from Ben's hardassed reaction to her whining, to Samantha's hard-teared bawling. He bids her be off, and she cries so hard she nearly unhinges one of her enormous fake eyelashes in the process. Meh. She paraded around flashing her overbite everywhere and he walked her out so she could escape. This gives Courtney a chance to brag that she and Ben are basically making decisions together. Arrogant? Yeah, but when I have something to refute her, I'll let you know.

The left overs await back up in the gimme room as there is a knock on the door. Elyse, the fitness Nazi gets to speak so she can prophesy getting left in the suite again. Frankly, I was shocked. Not that she got stranded again, but that she spoke and sounded normal. The only thing I remember her saying the last four weeks was that "Who IS She!" screech. Chain Smokin' Rachel reads off the name of Jennifer the Red; Ben orders her to "pick our love song dot dot dot" Damn, did we have to go with the dot, dot, dot thing again? I just had a Bentley flashback and now I have to take a crap.

Back at the party, Ben takes Sweetie pie Kacie away for some private 1-on-1 time. In between crying and sitting on the couch together, Ben confesses he wanted to make out with her in the river and that sparks plenty of closed-mouth smooches and Kacie says she's ok now. That will last about a second. As Ben wonders if he and Kacie might end up together, Courtney the Sharktress lets us know it's time for action. In Private Interviews, she acts all competitve and ready to steal Ben no matter what. Once Ben picks her up for private time she loses the steel magnolia act and switches to her baby voice. Telling Ben she can't deal with the jealousy she confesses that Lindzi crowding in on their fishing time "spoiled what I was feeling for you." Ben looks like he actually did lose a friend now--his best one at that. Blind terror flashes across his face as Courtney whines that she has "lost sight of them a little bit." Ben looks ready to have a heart attack. He tries to head her off, but she just shrugs and plays him like a trumpet. He runs for the rose, as the producers play clips of Courtney--from who knows when-- smirking, laughing and "winning!" Well, we can retire Courtney the Sharktress. From now on she's Queen Courtney, until Ben gives me some reason to think he's not wrapped around her finger. The mystery is: why are the producers trying to get me to think that Courtney can't stand Ben and since when do they want the audience to think their Bachelor is a gullible fool who picks manipulative women with his dick? Prince Benjamin then gets up and races back and lays the rose at The queen's feet. Suck on that, Kacie B. Winning! Indeed. Charlie Sheen should slap her. I better shut up; she'll probably be dating him next week. Date over.

Code Red

Jennifer the Red finally gets let out of her cage as Ben comes to pick her up and Courtney lays the "friend card" down at her before she can even clear the door. Ben wants to see her adventurous side so he hauls her to a crater in the ground and gets her to dangle with him and fall into a pool inside the crater. Naturally, Jennifer is afraid of heights. There's something new. Anyway, they go rappelling and fall the last ten feet into some pretty water. Jennifer handles herself pretty well, so Ben kisses her. As night falls and rain does too, Ben takes her to a fire pit so they can get soaked. Jennifer speaks of a four and a half year relationship and how she walked away when he wouldn't marry her. Ben casts doubts since he's a slacking wine entrepreneur when she verifies she's an accountant and works 9 to 5. He tries to talk her out of wanting to date him. They run for it as the skies open up and then head over to a country music concert with Clay Walker while back at the house Courtney brags that she only hangs with guys. The hater club meets to dye Stoolie Emily's hair and Bi Monica (yes, she's still there) warns  Emily to shut her cake hole about Courtney to Ben, while Boom-Boom does Emily's hair so she'll look good when she gets diarrhea of the mouth and then wimps out. Back at the concert, Ben pretty much tells Jennifer he was going to dump her when they headed out, but now, since he has several women left he likes less than her, she can stay. As long as she dances with him in front of Clay Walker so he can keep up the outdoorsy country guy vibe. Date over.

And You Thought Ben Had No Balls…

Time for some cocktail party cattiness from yesteryear…or at least, it might as well have been. It's time for someone to warn Prince Gullible that the woman he is wooing as his future queen is a total bitch. Haven't seen this in…a season. Anyway, Ben makes the rounds while Emily winds herself up tighter and tighter until she gets Ben alone and pops. Ben tries to get her to shut up, but she can't contain herself, and tries to rat Courtney out. Ben basically tells her to shut up or he's gonna' jettison her. Emily wanders away and gets even dumber; she blows her mouth off in front of Courtney's only apparent friend in the house, Casey S. (now we see why she was allowed to speak.) Casey argues with her and then runs straight to Courtney, who for once is justified in her threats, cursing, and confrontational rudeness. Emily, confronted by Courtney tries to lie her way out of it. Boy, for someone closing in on a P.H.D. from a prestigious university, this chick is as dumb as a brick. Now that's she's immolated herself, Courtney gives her another "winning! I got a rose and you don't!" as she flounces away and Emily bawls that she can't stand confrontation. Then why did you start one, dummy? Finally, Nicki stops narrating and gets some time alone with Ben and they stand in the snow on the balcony and catch flakes all over themselves. As Emily finishes her wimpy meltdown, Harrison enters right on cue tinging his champagne glass with his cheese knife.

Roses:
Ben wanders in and give them some canned BS and gets to it.
Already safe: Jennifer the Red, Chain Smokin' Rachel, and Queen Courtney.
1) Lindzi the Misspelled: Little to do this week.
2) Nurse Jamie: Good god; I like you and even I don't know who you are.
3) Nicki the Narrator: finally got a few seconds with Ben that we were allowed to see. What that means? Hell if I know.
4) Kacie B.--the "B" stands for deep in the Bachelor BUBBLE.
5) Elyse, the Fitness Nazi: Sorry sweetie; I'd change your nickname if I knew anything else about you besides you made Ben do pushups. Good luck living down that horrible screech.
6) Boom-Boom Blakely: now doing the other women's hair before cocktail parties? Michelle Money edit anyone?
7) Casey S.--rewarded for ratting out Emily to the queen.
Harrison wanders in smirking,"Ben; ladies; this is the last rose of the evening. I'm going to rip the seal off a 25 year-old bottle of single malt and go at it till dawn. When you're ready…"
8) Dr. Emily--boo. Rewarded for being a wimp, but she's like a gutshot deer now: she may run a ways, but she'll fall soon enough.

Dumped: Bi Monica. Bawls like crazy on the way out and looks more like the Joker than ever when she cries. Hopefully, she got Blakely's number.

Next week: Ben gets nekkid with the queen. See ya then!











Tuesday, January 17, 2012

1-16--Ben Loses His Balls


Well, so much for Ben's balls. After this trainwreck of a night, we couldn't find this guys nads with a search party of Rangers and bloodhounds. Shame, especially for people like me who wanted 'ol Stormhorse for the role. Better luck next time, I guess. Future Bachelorette Emily Maynard is likely to have a bigger set than Mr. Flajnik, but I get ahead of myself. I've got to recap three decent dates, before I chronicle the emasculating trainwreck at the end, so let's get to it.

Sister Julia: Keeper of the Flajnik Gonads

Our evening begins with Ben wandering the hills and streets of San Francisco like he's looking for Michael Douglas and Karl Malden, but instead he meets up with his sis Julia (Who looks so much like Shawntel Newton it's scary. More on her later) and tells some lies about the women he's hauled to town with him. He and sister Julia have a sit-down as trolleys pass by and Ben shows total ignorance of his harem or just decides to BS his sister to death. He lauds the women he has in tow as being "…Independent, educated, self-sufficient…" he left out "catty, bitchy, self-involved" and "mean as rattlesnakes" but once again, I get ahead of myself. Julia, we learn, has managed to find a boyfriend without the help of Chris Harrison, and is clearly nobodies push over. Hey, maybe she got all the balls in the family by accident? Regardless, after assuring Julia just how much she is going to love his mean-assed sorority girls, we see said girls heading into San Francisco by limo so they can be penned up at the local Fairmont Resort.

As soon as the women inhabit the Fairmont, in strides Chris "Wingman" Harrison in his casual day attire to spell out the date list for the week, (one group date and 2-1 on 1's) before he slithers back across state to Burbank to finish auguring his soon-to-be-cancelled game show into the ground. With You Deserve It! cratering and the international travel about to begin, Harrison has kindly consented to show up and do his "job". Mighty big of him. He quickly reminds the long clawed felines that they had damn well better act like psychotics or they will find themselves trapped in their gilded cage and getting a bus ticket back to wherever they came from, pronto-like. Harrison plays guru, "..not everyone will get a date, so my advice to you is whenever you get time with Ben, rip the others girls' hair out and make a total ass of yourself..". The message clearly delivered, Harrison drops the first date card and we're off.

P.H.D. on a Highwire

Elyse, the physical fitness Nazi, gets up and reads out the name of Dr. Emily; and lets her know that since she told the show's "psychologist" that she has a paralyzing fear of heights, Ben and the producers have arranged some highwire stunt to have her pissing her pants. Ben greets her with a tepid hug in a San Francisco park and lets her know they are going to be climbing the Bay Bridge. Emily starts her pants pissing and off they go. Secured to the bridge with multiple safety loops, hard hats, a camera crew, and about 12 safety inspectors, they begin their ascent of the bridge. About halfway up a steep climb, Emily starts to freak out and the cameramen try and induce audience vertigo by swinging their mini-cams around like it's the fucking Blair Witch Project, and Emily freezes. Seeing the time for heroic action has come, Ben springs into Stormhorse mode and tries to solve her problem the way he tries to solve every problem: he kisses her. Buoyed by his hormones or the fumes from his cologne or whatever, Emily stabilizes and finishes the bridge climb so they can "overcome their fears" just like half the couples on every season do. I'm shocked Fleiss didn't make them bungee jump off the damn thing. Regardless, they take in the beautiful views and we're left to guess how in the hell they got down. As darkness falls, they go to dinner alongside the Bay Bridge. They sit and don't touch their food, and have a talk. Emily lets him know that Match.com thinks she should date her brother (maybe Ben needs to date his sister?) Anyway, Emily shows off her high I.Q. and he basically tells her she's too damn smart for him and he's actually looking for a causal hook up, or something similar.

Back at Resort, Casey. S and Nurse Jamie--both former mutes--get to speak as Jamie reads off the group date card. She calls out: Boom-Boom-Blakely; Pig Snout Jacklyn; Sweetie Pie Kacie B.; Erika the Dress Filler; Samantha the Pageant Queen; Herself; Bi Monica; Chain Smokin' Rachel; Nicki the Narrator; Elyse the Fitness Nazi; and Former Mute, Casey S. to cross something off our "Leap list"?  Apparently Chain Smokin' Rachel knows what a leap list is and she explains so the rest of us will have some clue. It's apparently like a "Bucket List" but not as good. Whatever. Back at the Bridge, Emily gets the rose and Ben makes out with her as fireworks explode and the other girls correctly assume she got the flower.

Snow Blowin' in Haight Ashbury, in Bikinis Too.

Ben drives a caravan of babes to a side street they've closed off and filled with fake snow. The girls boot up, dress down, and go snow skiing down the street. Several nearly kill themselves. Sweetie Pie Kacie B. falls a bunch and asks "How do you stop?" A second later she crashes into a wall, making her query rhetorical. Then for her Grand Finale, she spins around backwards, grabs ground like she's at the proctologist and slams into a wall assfirst, but manages to finish with a scarf-toss flourish that earns her extra points. Other girls sloop around and fall and basically look hot enough to melt the snow while thousands of onlookers snap pictures and upload them to their Twitter accounts so we can all enjoy early spoilage during filming.

Back at the Resort, Lindzi the Misspelled and the other leftovers whine about getting a date. All but Granny Panty Brittney, that is. When the date card arrives, Dr. Emily reads off Brittney's name and hands her a garish key-to-the-city necklace to go with it. Brittney stares at the necklace and looks like she drunk something foul. She then makes it plain she would rather skip the date…hell with that, she'd rather skip Stormhorse all together. Betting money is that she was only called out for 1 on 1 dumpage, but she makes it pretty clear that she'd rather dump herself than let Ben do it.

We rejoin the ski date and find that darkness has fallen as Ben's taken the girls to someplace name Tonga, that he assures us is an "iconic landmark". It has indoor rain pools and does indeed look cool. Ben then predicts, "No drama", and we all laugh collectively, and I can again hear the strains of My Sharona! as Ben is again wearing a black vest. Boy am I sick of hearing what a fashion plate this guy is. Listen folks; just check the cover of Get The Knack!, circa 1977, and you'll see he's merely stolen Doug Fieger's wardrobe and haircut. Fashion plate, my ass. It's like some long-haired, fat guy growing a beard and wearing a tie dye like Jerry Garcia being told he's a trendsetter. Anyway, Ben moves quick and steals a few moments (and kisses) with Chain Smokin' Rachel. Speaking of 1977, just how much does this chick look like Olivia Newton-John? Spooky. He then takes Sweetie Pie Kacie B. for a walk so he can make out with her too. Boom-Boom Blakely is up next, and after her unpopularity explosion last week, she is a mere afterthought. Elyse, the Fitness Nazi is up next to play her role as the one who can't say three words to Ben without someone breaking in. This particular someone is Granny Panty Brittney, who arrives to break up Ben's no-drama party by injecting some drama; namely, that she's hitting the bricks and will catch the rest of this pukefest at home with her Granny Sheryl. Fuming that she dumped him before he could dump her, Ben walks her out and then sulks that she cocked blocked him from treating her like cannon fodder. He heads back to the party and acts like getting dumped doesn't bother him, then hands the rose to Rachel. Then we see a call coming in for Harrison from a "Mystery Woman" who is only a mystery if you don't watch the promos for this show or read anything on the internet, where the woman warns Harrison she is on her way to San Fran.

Brittney's Non-Cannon Fodder Replacement

Ben then whines a little more that Brittney got away before he could dump her while using an electric razor to maintain his two days worth of chin growth. Turns out he's preparing for his replacement date with Lindzi the Misspelled. Chain Smokin' Rachel reads Lindzi's name and she departs to dress. We instantly cut to them walking through the city and riding trolley cars and the date is already underway--they need to spare extra time for that trainwreck cocktail party. Ben sets them up with some ice cream before he takes her into Chinatown and they tour the city. The trolley then stops at a locked and darkened San Francisco City Hall, where Ben whips out the key and Lindzi shows us how dense tomboys can be by gushing, "…but Ben pulls out the key and unlocks the door. I don't know who this guy is, but he's amazing!" Yeah, Ben is in tight with the mayor, Lindzi. Anyway, they wander in and out pops some dude named Matt Nathansen, lip syncing his white ass off. Ben dances with her (badly!) and kisses her (even worsely. Yeah, its word cause I say so.) as Nathanson lip mimes some easy whiteboy funk. Ha! He's no Stormhorse, I'll say that. Next Ben takes to her to one of the better places I've ever seen a Bachelor date. It's a San Francisco replica of a prohibition-era speakeasy called Bourbon and Branch, but the gal at the door appears in on the joke:
Door Gal: "Password, please?"
Ben: "Stormhorse, of course."
Yeah, she was in on joke. Anyway, Ben leads the misspelled one inside and through a trick bookcase to a semi-private lounge that does indeed ooze history. Cool. I wouldn't mind going to this place myself. Awesome spot. They sit for dinner and she gets to drop her story of being dumped via text. She relates the purported language of the text: "Babe, welcome to Dumpsville…population, YOU." Real or just made up by the producers, Ben tries not to laugh in her face and makes a note of that one for future use. He preaches that getting dumped makes him a better person and Lindzi heartily agrees with a croak of her frog voice and then he slips her the rose. They cap the date off by crashing another music store with him trying to teach her some piano (and failing). He then plays a few chords as a segue to this years theme song, "This Years Love". They dance. Date over. And we again see the "Mystery Woman" calling Harrison announcing her impending arrival. Harrison giddily announces he will meet her downstairs.

Cocktail Party Trainwreck

The woman flow into the Fairmont Ballroom and Courtney the Sharktress, of all people, leads a toast to a "drama-free night." Turns out she was right: the drama was free of charge. Ben wanders around with a jacket and tie added to his Knack-vest and corners Jennifer the Red. Jennifer, with her red hair flowing is wearing a pink top and orange skirt? She looked like a walking traffic cone. But she exudes her kind charm and soon Stormhorse is complimenting her as the best kisser and dives in for more. Poor Jennifer then succumbs to the Bachelor Bubble in week 3 and announces she is falling in love. It was nice knowing you, Jennifer.

DUN-DUN-DUN

Finally, Shawntel "Munster" Newton, from Brad's season--the worst kept secret this season--gets out of her car and greets the Wingman. Harrison warns her to hustle in and "get his attention." Cue taken, Shawntel heads inside while Private Interviews of Courtney the Sharktress show her raging Narrator Nikki as "an idiot" and Boom-Boom Blakely as the kind of girl "Your boyfriend cheats on you with." Her wonderful edit continues and she is just getting started. After a weird moment between Lindzi and Courtney, Ben takes the model to a hidden location and all but declares he's smitten. She assures him she can handle everything because she's "got big shoulders." Well, there's no denying that anyway. Meanwhile, Shawntel fixes her make-up and heads into the party as (who else?) Elyse the Fitness Nazi, is speaking to Ben on the patio. Shawntel cruises past the other women; some know her, some don't; and heads straight for Ben. She interrupts them and Ben stares at her incredulous. "Holy shit!" He finally hugs her and shoos Elyse away, who glares daggers at Shawntel as every other woman in the ballroom crowd around the doorway to watch them talk. Shawntel tells him she's come because they have talked and she sensed a connection between them. She asks for no decision now but wants to stay until the Rose Ceremony

Elyse sits inside and showing a mouth that looks like it could be used to cut wood for beavers, shrieks: "Who is she!" in a tone like she's trying to supplant Linda Blair if they ever film another version of the Exorcist. Courtney's mouth--never her best feature in the best of moments--peels downward in a skeletor scowl like Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon got ahold of her. And Dr. Emily launches what will become the theme of the rest of the evening, "If she gets a rose, I'm outta here." Ben walks Shawntel back inside on his arm and introduces her to the group. Every eye in the place glares at her and all of them are filled with iced daggers. Sensing impending chaos, Ben, who should have stayed to maintain and enforce civility, lights outta' there like he had a lit bottlerocket stuck in his ass. The second he's gone, they descend on her like wolves. The attacks begin and Courtney finally stands up and stomps away to a nearby room accompanied by soon-to-be-enemy, Dr. Emily. Courtney reiterates Emily's threat; if Shawntel gets a rose she is refusing one. The women--that is every last one of them--by look, word, or private interview--all join in and put on the worst display of mean spirited immaturity in this show's history. The only ones who didn't embarrass themselves (and their parents) were the ones rendered mute by the edit: Jennifer the Red and Nurse Jamie. Even "good girls" Lindzi and Kacie joined in with death glares and Nicki the Narrator settled for vowing never to speak to Shawntel and bawling about it. The rest? They called Shawntel a bitch; ragged her profession; her looks; her character, and basically acted like since she didn't bother to ride in in the limo with them or spend 20 minutes with Ben the last three weeks--like most of them--that she is guilty of giving Crack to 8 year-olds. It was ridiculous, classless, and totally uncalled for. And it was all Ben's fault. Don't like that? Tough! He's the Bachelor! Can you for a moment imagine Brad Womack, for all his faults, putting up with that shit for a minute? A simple game of "You're a psycho; no, you're a psycho!" got women a Greyhound Bus ticket home on his seasons. Or Byron Velvick? He had two women return in his third week and HE decided who stayed and went. One of those returning women had a 5 year relationship with him too. Hell, DeAnna Pappas would have showed enough Sack to stay in the room and command order. There's no excuse for it. Ben abandoned her to the sharks. Suck move, Stormhorse.

Roses:
Already safe: Dr. Emily (Looked great; but mean as hell too); Lindzi the Mispelled (great and not as bad as others but far from awesome); Chain Smokin' Rachel (acted like a total bitch)
The Wingman finally appears with a cringing Ben in tow as the Palooka Stagehand lines the women up on their dais. Harrison signals and so it begins. Despite being absent and letting Shawntel get savaged, this is Ben's big moment. I edge forward on my seat and cross my fingers: Will Ben Show Some Sack and Bring This Herd to Order? 
He reaches into the flower dish, spears a rose, and calls out:
1) Courtney the Sharktress: Courtney descends from her spot atop the woman pyramid and basically tells Ben she'll only accept the rose if Shawntel doesn't get one.
I wait like the women for his response but I cheer him on: "C'mon Ben!"
Ben…folds like a cheap card table. Oh, Son! I was so begging for his sister Julia to come stomping into the ballroom, hip check her brother out of the way, grab a flower and take charge:

"Listen up, you catty bitches! I'm the Bachelor! I pick who stays and who goes! Not you! This is MY journey to find a wife! Not your chance to decide who will be your middle school sorority sister these next few weeks! Behind me is a door; past that door is a few million tons of bricks, and attached to those bricks is a yellow taxi cab! If any of you aren't ok with that, I suggest you hit those fucking bricks right now!" 

Had Ben done that, the next time he reached into that flower tray and looked up, he'd have been met by less pairs of eyes staring back at him, but those eyes would be filled with respect, and they would KNOW he means business.

But alas, Ben is no Julia. He hands Courtney the rose as she smirks and returns to her throne atop the pyramid and the season is OVER.
The vulture troupe, now certain they can roll this guy like a drunken sailor, descend for their flowers while Shawntel stands there humiliated:
2) Sweetie Pie Kacie B.: Still a sweetie but not as sweet after that.
3) Elyse the Fitness Nazi: I love her looks, but wow.
4) Nurse Jamie: Bless you, you sweet classy little thing.
5) Jennifer the Red: It was nice knowing you and I do MEAN that.
6) Mute Casey S.: Once again, being mute is golden on this show.
7) Boom-Boom-Blakely: edit rendered her tolerable.
8) Bi Monica: drunk as usual, but the edit spared her having to explain being an awful bitch…for this week anyway.
9) Nikki the Narrator: Melts down and acts catty too, but lacked the venom of others. Still looked about 12 though.
10) Samantha the Pageant Queen: Edit was kind.

Ben holds the last rose and starts his preamble before Erika the Dress Filler overcome with the emotion of calling Shawntel "fat" collapses on the stage. When we return, the palooka lines 'em up again as constant voice overs let us know they are all leaving if he gives Shawntel a rose. They prop Erika up as Kacie B. blames Shawntel for her fainting and the Wingman signals go. Ben bumbles, and stumbles, and refuses to hand out the rose to Shawntel like you know he wanted to. Weak, oh so weak. Even if he thought including her was unfair, even if he thought she was nut and couldn't wait to be rid of her; it was the principle after that set of performances. Knowing Ben, he'll think it was funny in his media interviews. Very weak.

Dumped:
Pig Snout Jacklyn--One of the night's biggest trash talkers runs out to the bathroom with Dr. Emily bawling and is never seen again.
Erika the Dress Filler--Ben walks her over to a duvet and leaves her stranded there like a boat anchor. Better than she deserved.
Shawntel Newton--Ben walks her out as Courtney shouts down at her "See ya!" Ben walks her into the hallway and tells her it didn't seem fair. In private interviews, Shawntel correctly says "If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, what's fairness got to do with it?" She accuses Ben of not "being man enough." Inarguable. One also gets the certain impression more passed between these two than a few flirty Tweets too. Hope you sell some books on dead people dear.
Ben Flajnik: Dumped by Granny Panty Brittney--who carries with her with glow of a Nobel Laureate for getting the hell out of there when the getting was good.

Next week: They head to Utah to continue the search the Ben's balls--I expect less than success.

See ya!



Sunday, January 15, 2012

1/15--The F1's on Parade: A Captain Barbarossa Special


Welcome my friends to a special walk down memory lane of the f1's of the past. This is not a "best of" by any means; I've certainly written funnier things than this. No, this is an effort to see just how much you can tell from a first date on the Bachelor, with the benefit of hindsight. I think you'll see the answer in most cases is quite a lot. This collection covers all the seasons of this franchise that I've covered the past few years with the exception of Brad Womack's first season, where he picked no one. Fear not, we get two two first dates with Jason Mesnick because he essentially had two f1's to make up the shortfall. This is a completely unedited collection of observations, wise-ass remarks, and other things I published at the time. I hope you enjoy.

Matt Grant/Shayne Lamas:


 Winery and a Bimbo. 

Grant now moves to pick up the Dalai Lamas for her pole dancing lessons, I mean winery date and he arrives in someone else's Maserati to do it. Shayne, dressed like she's a member of ABBA, piles in to the car and off they go. Grant does his best to act coy about his true feelings for her but the guy ain't foolin' this pirate. The girl is hot--Grant knows it--she knows--and that's that! He corners her and forces her to admit that her dad is Lorenzo Lamas. She tells him, "You won't know who he is." Turns out, Grant didn't. Fleiss should have hired Billy Crystal to come floating in with the white wig and the snowy ascot going, "Shayne, dahling! You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous!" She talks about coming from multiple broken families and basically says she's not ready to get married yet. Grant says, "She's not just a beautiful actress. There's a lot more to her." Yeah, whatever. Under duress, she admits to being high-maintenance and then cops to having more shoes that Imelda Marcos. She's into,"cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses, and watches." Grant thinks she's joking. Idiot...

…Shayne and Grant cuddle up at the winery and he slips her the rose. She treats him like he's Houdini because he stashed it behind a pillow. I can't figure out whether or not she's drunk again or just a moron. Don't suppose it matters anyway, she gives Grant a boner and that's all that does.

DeAnna Pappas/Jesse Csinsack:


Totally Baked

 But before the dates, the wingman tells the boys that they will have to earn the one-on-date with Dee by competing in a songwriting contest. Huh? What the hell is this supposed to prove? The same thing as when the women on the Bachelor are expected to sing, twirl batons, and eat aluminum cans I suppose. Anyway the boys all spread out and try to write down their thoughts and compose their feelings. Jesse, the baked snowboarder, says he hates to write and hates to sing. This should be wondrous.

Several of the boys actually seem excited and decide to try their best. Robert, the chef and Brian, the football coach both actually work on their music and try to perform--Robert's actually pretty good. In all fairness, most of them did at least respectable. Performing can be hard and they all seemed to come off as decent...at least all of them but the baked snowboarder who busted out a rhyme that could have been written by a five year-old. But, he did it on his knees. I guess thats important...somehow...I think. What? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Nevermind. She picked the bakehead. Maybe she didn't understand the wingman's directions. Who cares.

DeAnna then takes 'ol bonghit to a theater where they smoke a bowl. No, I'm kidding...I think. She does take him to a theater and then tells him to perform his godawful warbling again like he's a trained seal. When he's done singing I'm the one who needs the bonghit. Auuugggh, my ears! Anyway, he performs like a toadie and covers her shapely ass in kisses so the rose is secured.

Jason Mesnick /Melissa Rycroft:


Blimp Date:

Back at the Harem Tent, a date card arrives and it says Melissa The Cheerleader will be going on the next one-on-one. Melissa meets Jason on the beach and in inserted private interviews Melissa cops to being nervous. "I dated the same guy from fifteen to twenty-two and I haven't had a date in three years." Huh? A Cowboy Cheerleader hasn't had a date in three years? Ok, well, stranger things have happened I suppose. Actually, no they haven't. What, was she marooned on an arctic weather station!? If she also told us her last boyfriend was a Sasquatch I wouldn't have been any more surprised. I'll assume she's not lying just for shits and giggles. Wow, Melissa the Wallflower; who woulda thunk it. Anyway, Jason feeds her some oysters and Melissa, who is an oyster virgin, does the one thing that can quicken any mans heart: She's funny. Not scripted, cue-card-reading funny either. More like no bullshit, off the cuff funny. She also opens up and tells Jason she really wants to be a first grade teacher. I can practically hear wedding bells on this one already. Jason then takes her up on a bluff and The Bandit strikes again. Cha-ching! That's two! He then hauls her up for a ride in the blimp and gives her the rose, which was as big a foregone conclusion as I've made it sound.

Jason Mesnick/Molly Mallaney(Mesnick) AKA:The Lone Wife:


Tenting Tonight

Jason hauls Molly the Bland to his own rented Malibu digs for a normal date, not the usual Bachelor fairytale crap. They eat burgers dressed in ratty cutoffs just like a real couple too. They also talk, just like a real couple, and they wax a bit more seriously than the usual date fare. Jason obviously sees a lot more in Molly than I do and while she confesses to feelings, she does it in a sane way and doesn't bother lying to us that she is "in love". It's a pretty cool date and the kind I'd like to see more of, frankly--no bullshit plane rides or fairy princess castles, no hammocks or hot tubs, and no one was drunk. As they talk, Le Bandito moves in for his first score of the night, Cha-Ching!, and then he hands her the flower and hauls her into a tent set up in his backyard for a sleepover. Producer/dickhead Fleiss even delivers dubbed sounds of quiet talk and slurping to make us believe they did the nasty too. Maybe they did, who knows? Just after dawn Jason drives her home with the rose and in a set of his clothes too. Shannon the Stalker, who patrolled the house waiting on Molly most of the night, and the other, saner girls who went to bed, greet Molly in the AM to find her dressed in Jason's clothes and complaining of not much sleep. The other girls all scatter uncomfortably while Shannon narrows her eyes at Molly and goes to polish her sniper rifle.

Jillian Harris /Ed Swiderski: 


Your Five Minutes of Romance

Wingman Harrison announces the date line-up in the usual manner. Two 1-on-1 dates and one group orgy--er mouthrape contest--er group date filmed at a Cowboy set. The 1 0n 1 date (at least the first one) was about the only satisfying moment of the entire night. Jillian takes Ed--the guy I have been calling: A Brad Garrett look-a-like, (but who the Wench Queen in her terminal perfection, showed me actually looks like some dead dude on Grey's Anatomy named "Denny" ; so now he's Drop-Dead Ed)--to scale a skyscraper. First I thought they were going to climb it, then I thought they were going to hop off it on one of those ziplines. Damn, I was impressed there for a minute. Then I thought they were going to rappel down it. Wow. But then I saw they were going to be lowered over the side and slowly eased down to a pool deck by a crew using a block and tackle--and when I say slowly I mean S-L-O-W-L-Y. It was like bungee jumping in slow motion...out your front door. So much for being impressed. Anyway, Drop Dead said he was scared but didn't want to wimp out on front of Jill. He does launch a good one while hanging there in his block and tackle seat: "You better give me a rose!" Way to piss your drawers, Ed. Silly building stunt over. Then Jill takes him into a swimming pool and proceeds to ride all over his crotch while they smooch. So much for that mystery. The make, model, and caliber of the weapon Ed has hidden in his shorts is no longer a secret to our favorite Canadian.

Jill then takes him up to the roof of the Bonaventure Hotel and Ed proceeds to get several casting directors fired for looking and acting (Dare I say it!) sincere. Who the hell let this guy on the show!? Not once did I hear Ed profess his undying love; he didn't pull out his guitar and serenade her with a song from his up-coming CD nor did he promise to fly her to Uganda for dinner or build her a magic fairy-castle in the sky. Instead Ed talked earnestly about having trouble balancing his career and personal life and instead of sounding ready for his close-up, he acted and looked both uncomfortable with the cameras around and (gasp!) genuinely interested in Jillian. (Hell just froze!) When Jill asked him what he wanted to ask her, he cut straight to the chase and asked if he was going to get the rose because he was "really nervous." Jillian, obviously unaccustomed to sincerity in her suitors, spluttered and practically stapled the rose to his chest in a frenzy. (So much for making him sweat, Jill.) Ed, like any good Field General, sensed his move had unbalanced his opponent and moved in for a quick snog. Jillian ( in diametric opposition as to how she will behave later) grabbed his hands, slammed them around her waist and sucked his face off. (It's early, but we may have a player here, folks.) Hope you enjoyed that because that's about it. Sweetness just about over.

Jake Pavelka/Vienna Girardi:


Captain America Needs a Midol 

The first 1 on 1 date either proves that Jake Pavelka will do anything--and I mean anything--the producers of this crapfest tell him to, or this guy needs to lay off the estrogen supplements. The date begins when the Cheeser rams the Sausage onto his moped and they go canoodle around 'his' house. A helicopter lands and he takes her on a flight into the middle of California nowhere where they land on a bridge over a ravine. During the flight Jake reveals to Vienna that he has a fear of heights--a perfectly understandable phobia for a flier. Once they land, it's obvious its time to go bungee jump. Before they crawl out onto the ledge of the bridge, Vienna lets us know she has a height phobia as well. It must be time for a 'leap of faith'. Wow, they haven't done that since...last season! ZZZZZ. They gear up and step out onto the ledge where Joke whines, cries and does everything but grow a vagina. Snort! While Jake melts down into a Full Mesnick of tears and menstrual cramps, the Sausage 'mans up' and basically holds his trembling hand through the whole jump. Now, you may say I'm being hard on the Jokester here; I mean, a lot of people have a fear of heights and I'm the first to admit that hopping head first off a perfectly stable bridge is not a natural act. But I'm also not a professional pilot either! If I were a passenger on any airline the Chessemachine worked at, I'd be sprinting out of that airport like terrorists were about to open fire. What confidence it must inspire in passengers to know that the pilot of the plane they are about to board is going to start bawling and piss his pants at the first sign of trouble. It's like hiring a lifeguard with a fear of water:inspiring. Their Leap of Faith now safely behind them, Joke changes his tampon and hauls the tanned one back to his chalet to slurp some vino from the biggest wine goblets I've ever seen.They crawl indoors where they stare and talk about not too much of nuthin'. Cheeser ladles out the Velveeta right away: "I've seen a more serious, nurturing side to Vienna today." Uh huh. They get into the pool where Vienna rides his rod and launches this Pearl of BS:"I'm on Cloud Jake right now!" Anyway, they complete the ol' Oklahoma tradeoff: she gives him a boner and he gives her a rose. Bully.

Ali Fedotowsky /Roberto Martinez:


 A Marx Brother on a High Wire

Ali's first individual date this week is with that notorious Latin hottie, Groucho Roberto. Ali drives over to Nerd Nirvana to greet him, and Roberto, showing some extra macho with his plaid shirt and beer crammed into his fist twirls her about for the other ding dongs to see. The producers, trying to wrest the car keys from Ali's control-issue hands, send in the first helicopter of the season so they can bang on about her flying phobia again, and get the Frankfurter started on his jealous meltdown of how Ali is alone with someone other than his own self. They helicopter away, but she can't let go of the steering wheel issues as she squeals with fear and tries to backseat drive the chopper pilot, "Not so close to the power lines!" Fortunately, he misses them by about a quarter of a mile--like always--and manages to land safely like the other 3 and a half million helicopters around the country on that day. But it does give Roberto a chance to cuddle her--like 12 other guys will do this episode--as the chopper sets down on a building roof. Ali assures us she feels "safe" with the Funny One. The producers attempt to remedy this by having them go highwire walking to get their dinner. I was expecting them to be securely attached by cables or wires for their heart stopping walk; I was not expecting them to be nailed down with chains Superman couldn't break. They engage in some cheesy banter about falling for each other and Roberto--in a very manly fashion--leads her out on some high tension cables you could drive a Greyhound Bus over and only stops midway to smooch her and does it so wildly he proves they couldn't be knocked off those wires by a low flying 747. Oh, the drama. The Flying Wallenda act concluded, they actually sit and try and talk like regular people. What has been obvious since the second she saw the oldest Marx Brother is still obvious: She digs him. Ali informs him he's so handsome he's almost out of her league. Roberto peers sheepishly from behind his caterpillar eyebrows, but doesn't argue. He does lets her know he can speak five different languages and his brother plays the harp and only speaks with a horn. No, not really, but he should have. She then asks him to do something to her she heard from a rap video. Whoa! Pretty nasty for a first date. Oh, it was just to kiss her in Spanish. Roberto waggles his caterpillars at her, tells the waiter to stick her with the check, and mauls her. Rose? No doubt!

Brad Womack and M'ly Maynard:


 The Angel Descends to Earth

The second 1-on-1 of the night goes to overwhelming fan favorite, Nascar Emily. During the end of the Action Movie Date, Emily had her name called for the last 1-on-1 date and proceeded to sit with a couple of the girls and fully tell her story of her dead fiance who died in a plane crash while she found out she was pregnant with his baby story. It's powerful stuff. The other women bawl, even Madison the famewhore vampire, who starts to develop a conscience about pimping herself on this show. Meghan the Nobody gets to do a private interview where she confirms Emily to be Mother Teresa. My, lets lay it on thick, shall we? Brad arrives and takes Emily to the airport in his Aston Martin. Emily (and us) stare at the plane while Brad, still clueless, asks if she is nervous. Great TV. They finally land and Brad loads her into his jaunting car and they drive to a vineyard. Where? I have no idea and I bet you don't either. This was one of the few Bachelor dates ever that had nothing to do with the location. Brad could have taken her to a racquetball court and fed her a cornbeef sandwich for all it mattered. This date was all about her story. They sit on a log in the vineyard near the jaunting car sipping wine and Brad opens with the preamble I thought he was gonna' use on Chantal: "I don't know a single thing about you." He then presses in with some personal questions and Emily starts batting them away like a hockey goalie. Her favorite technique is to say something bland and then turn it back around on him. "And what about you?" Unsurprisingly, Brad starts to looked nettled. As darkness falls he takes her into a bar for dinner. A barn? Nevermind it doesn't matter. Once inside someone has informed Emily that it's time to spill, and she does. Brad listens as she relates the tale and then stammers, "So he was killed in a plane crash?" She affirms and then adds the part about being pregnant with his baby. Brad stares at her like she hit him in the head with a brick. I'll let any reader decipher his body language from there, but his reaction is stunned, but appeared positive. Brad produces the flower in an instant and she accepts. Cue harp music. They make out. Could this be the gal? Certainly could be. Now, I'm gonna' say something that probably isn't going to be very popular (What's new?) But I'm sure the message boards have probably lost all perspective. Emily is hot, she seems damned nice, and overcame a terrible tragedy. She did not however pull five people from a burning building or win the Medal of Honor in Afghanistan saving half her platoon. There is tons to be admired about her, but what she really did was cope with tragedy that was forced upon her. Admirably so. The shame of this is that with lost perspective, if Brad dares choose anyone else, he's going to be vilified as a douche bag, and that's sad. There are many quality women left on this show, and they may or may not be a better match for him. Emily is no doubt terrific, but I suspect she doesn't have any trouble sleeping because she can't get her angel wings under the blankets. Just saying. Anyway, Brad gushes: "I can see Emily being the woman I spend the rest of my life with." Is it this easy? Maybe it is.

Ashley Hebert/ Jordan Paul Rosenbaum:


A Twofer--Since the 1st One was Barely Shown and My DVR Cut Out on Number 2: J.P the Skinhead Tries to Ride to the Rescue...


The dating must go on. A thoroughly shattered Ashley, who has cried herself into oblivion over the departed Bentley, awaits the scheduled JP, the Skinhead with all the enthusiasm of a corpse at her house. If anything fancy had been planned, the producers had enough sense to change it. J.P, equipped with a producer supplied bouquet, arrives at Ashley's rental where she greets him. Completely shot, Ashley finally asks for a slum around night and they change into pajamas and make out. Give JP credit, he did his best, but how much could anyone have done after this?

...And Your Only Romance for the Last 5 Weeks

While the boating action done, a date card has arrived and Lucas, the texas Cowboy reads off the name of J.P., the skinhead. With some closure on the Bentley mess finally delivered, this date should be critical. Now this was the part my DVR skipped when the satellite went out and I went online to day to watch this. I ca't remember a whole lot about where they went and what they did, but I remember the important part. I have given up trying to guess about the loony editing this show has spouted the past few seasons, but what I saw sure looked like a firm frontrunner staking his claim. The dinner part was the most instructive when Ashley finally told J.P. about her Bentley obsession. J.P takes it calmly and takes an optimistic stance, thanking Ashley for being honest and glad she has gotten closure. What's clear is to just what extent this guy digs her and damn if it didn't look mutual. J.P swears he's never felt a connection this strong in his entire life and Ashley exclaims that J.P. is the most handsome man in the entire world! Really? The Jewish skinhead from Long Island? Hey, different strokes and all that, but this was really sweet. No acting appeared to be in the effort either. These two looked like they forgot about the cameras and went goo-goo over each other. Roller Coaster UP! But I am unspoiled, so this could all be misdirection edit for all I know. But it looked cool anyway. Rose? Zero doubt. Date over.

And there you have it. Those were the f1 dates how I wrote them as broadcast. I thought it might be nice to have a retrospective to look at as Ben's season starts to wind down and Emily's season is soon to crank up. I hope you enjoyed. 


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

1/9--Stormhorse in the Sonoma Valley


Emily Maynard will be the new Bachelorette

Yeah, I was skeptical too, for a lot of reasons. The least of which was that Emily herself basically put the kibosh on the whole idea not a month ago. But things, it would seem, have changed. Several weeks ago internet sleuthers started to notice a curious trend: the Bachelorette was holding concentrated casting calls in the Deep South; namely the Carolinas, Tennessee and Georgia. That by itself was not that suspicious, even two of Ben's girls, Emily and Kacie B.,are both from the Carolinas and Tennessee, respectively. So I didn't just ignore people predicting Emily would be the Bachelorette, I dismissed them outright.

But last night a source I have corresponded with for over 5 years told me, and others, that Emily had indeed drunk from the cup of Mike Fleiss' Kool-Aid vat and agreed to take the role. This source does not always get Bachelor info but when they do its always been right. I'll give you an example: a full three weeks before Reality Steve recanted his pick for Brad's season, this source told me flat out that Steve was wrong and Emily and Brad were engaged, not Chantal and Brad. She went public with that info a week before Steve was forced to recant.

I've seen many people react to this news the last 24 hours and its been universally negative. True, Emily was made to look about as exciting as a bag of cement on Brad Womack's season as the Bachelor. If she were to appear on her own as she was depicted, this season would be billed as The Bachelorette: Virgin Mary Edition. But those who know better understand the way this show shoehorns people into the roles they have chosen for them and the result is that absolutely everyone comes off looking like a one-dimensional cartoon character: vixen, bitch, sweetie-pie, virgin, drunk. Emily, at least, got to be shoehorned as a living angel, instead of many others who get edited as drunks or soulless bitches. Regardless, she's ratings gold for Fleiss and ABC both, and they know it. So, come this summer, I'll bring the pork rinds and you bring the cheese grits. We'll hope Emily brings the beer and leaves Ricky Tick back at the Hendrick's Sugar Palace.

Sonoma, Ca.

Apparently Mike Fleiss failed to pay the rent on the Bachelor Mansion because this week we open with Harrison evicting the women at the Mansion door and heading them out to Ben's hometown of Sonoma, California. There we see Ben wandering around with Sonoma with his dog and showing off some teeny tiny legs. No, that's Ben, not the dog. He must be on the Brad Womack Upper Body Only workout plan. As Ben navel gazes his way around the streets of the town, he gets to play the small town boy card and tell us the women are coming there so they can understand what a major stud muffin he is, or something like that. He owns a wine label; did you know that ladies? I sure did. Not that he owns the vineyards or anything, but he owns the little paper label that goes on the bottles. Good enough.

The women are shuttled into the resort in what looked like 1940 Packards while Ben wonders what his dad would say to him if he knew he had 18 crazy-assed hotmesses coming to meet him. He'd high-five your ass like any dad would Ben; quit asking stupid questions and let's get this going. Since the Wingman is busy dodging the Malibu Sheriff for skiving off on the mansion rent, Ben handles the welcome wagon duty and drops the datecard down. We hear that Sweetie Pie Kacie B. is up first.

A Walk Down Sonoma Lane

Thus begins the producer's best efforts to get the audience to hate Courtney the Sharktress. Courtney sneers that she would like to see Kacie get dumped because she's "kinda annoying." Yeah; cute, decent, sincere; yeah she's a real whore, Courtney. Anyway, darkness falls and the women all lounge around the rental pool and Kacie says its really intimidating to get the 1 on 1 because, "You have to get the rose or you're going home." On the first date? C'mon Kacie, study the tapes. You wouldn't be going home if you shot Ben's dog. Regardless, Ben shows up in slacks and a coat, and Kacie sets the 1 on 1 date trend for the night by sporting shorts and cowboy boots. Ben drives her around Sonoma and then waltzes her about town. Just to prove his Renaissance Man chops, they crash a hotel and mime playing the piano. Not to be left out of the cultured, artsy fartsyness, Kacie grabs a baton some producer stashed in a local candy store and twirls it around proving she's the Tennessee equivalent of Donatello. Kacie marches him down the street like a drummajor and they head into an old theater to watch home movies. Ben gets to see her baton twirl as a tyke and she gets to see him cry watching movies of his departed dad. Pretty good stuff. They make out and then head to dinner where she gets the rose that was never in doubt. Date over.

The Gingerbread Whore in Kiddie Land

Meanwhile back at the rental, a date card has arrived and Pig Snout Jacklyn reads off the names of Granny Panty Brittney, Chain Smokin'Rachel, Jennifer the Red, Boom-Boom Blakely, Dr. Emily, Jenna, the Insane Blogger, Soccer Mom Shawn, Bi Monica, Samantha the Pageant Queen, Nurse Jamie, Narrator Nicki, and herself to come "Play with me." All right, Stormhorse; settle down. The women all act like they've been chosen to be the next contestant on The Price is Right, like always. Boom-Boom, winding herself up to be this episodes Guest Bitch, correctly scowls, "Girls are getting excited about going on a date…with the other girls basically." Hey you, Monica is on this date and I'm sure she's damned excited about going on a date with you, Blakely. Always ready to kick a person when they're down, spoilers have hit the net that Blakely used to "date" Greaseball Wes Hayden. Why am I not the least bit surprised. When are we gonna' stop kidding ourselves? Every woman who appears on this show should be required to wear a sign around her neck that says: "Wes Hayden Was Here or Soon Will Be!" Maybe that's why they skipped on the Mansion this season; a de-sanitizing crew is in there trying to get Hayden's DNA off every surface of the place. That'll take months.

Anyway, Ben meets 12 of the remaining harem in a Sonoma park and introduces them to the best playwrights he knows: ultra-precocious kids. Ugh. Turns out the kids, (not a producer-maggot) have written a fairytale and need the women to audition. Someone should have told Boom-Boom. She arrives in a skintight romper with her juggs spilling out everywhere. They ask her to dance around and she has to tug her romper up under her chin to keep from ruining some childhoods. The only thing missing was the stripper pole and some AC/DC blaring out the parks loudspeakers. The little girls weren't impressed but the little boys looked ready to give her an Oscar. Next, Narrator Nicki is asked to perform a sexy dance by one brat (These kids must have seen the pics of her dancing on the bar at the Dizzy Rooster.) but she demurs and makes like a watersprinkler or something. Jennifer the Red makes like a weasel and the rest are basically asked to make fools of themselves and they comply as Ben laughs at them, not with them.

They head to the community playhouse while back at the rental the produces continue to urge me to hate Courtney as she arrogantly informs Lindzi the Misspelled and Erika the Dress Filler that her connection with Ben is more real than theirs and she wishes Lindzi the worst. Courtney rubs it in and acknowledges the painful truth that Ben wants to jump her. This prompts Erika to stop filling her dress a moment and all but acknowledge that Courtney is miles hotter than she is.

Back at the playhouse, the girls are outfitted with their costumes. Blakely takes a moment to flash her girlfriend, Bi Monica, and Samantha cattily asks, "What do you get when you cross a Gingerbread man and a hooker? Blakely!" They make it to the playhouse in costume since Fleiss has dragged half of Sonoma there to watch them perform. Ben, helped on by his Prince Valiant haircut, hams it up as the Prince of Hookerville or whatever, and the women perform their kiddie stuff. Standing out were Jennifer as the weasel, Nicki as a donkey and Samantha did a nice turn by wearing Jacklyn's nose; Jenna performs as the Wizard of Scizophrenia and for some reason Dr. Emily is a hippy? Nah, no kid wrote this. There haven't been any of those around for centuries. Anyway, proving you can't take the Stormhorse out of the man, Ben suddenly shows up dressed like a sheep while Bi Monica makes like a dragon and blows a party favor at him, he yanks his costume off to reveal sheep shorts. The producers artfully avoided shots of pissed off parents yanking their children to the exits as Ben parades around nearly naked.

Ben then hauls the women to the local Fairmont for a bikini pool party and so Boom-Boom can ramp up the whore meter. Jennifer the Red steps out and is congratulated by the women for doing the best at the show and she is highlighted as sweet, sane, and sincere. This plays her off against Boom-Boom Blakely who plays her vavoom as forward and agressive. Nicki continues to narrate as Samantha starts to hate all over Blakely and heads off to the bathroom to sulk. Ben sits with Boom-Boom and calls her "super grounded". Huh? By what measure is that? Blakely flirts shamelessly and mumbles over her porcelain veneers looking like, well, a Hooters Girl.

Meanwhile, back at the rental, the next date card has arrived. Sweetie Pie Kacie reads the card from Ben asking a thoroughly bombed Courtney to come play "spin the bottle" with him. Courtney takes the card and asks Kacie, "How did that taste coming out of your mouth?" Ouch. Kacie deflates.

Back at the Fairmont, the women have dressed down to their bikinis so the kidnapped husbands who are DVR'ing the National Championship Game so their wives can watch this crap, don't snatch the remote away and change the channel. Nicki continues to narrate as Boom-Boom gets blasted and prepares to whore it up. But before she can, Jennifer the Red takes Ben aside and tries to get me to fall in love with her. Sweet, sane, and sincere-acting, Jennifer gets Ben alone in a private pool and Stormhorse jumps her. They make out and an ebullient Jennifer lets us know how happy she is. But the second Ben emerges, Blakely jumps him in the pool and they make out while Pig Snout Jaclyn and a crushed Jennifer spy on them. Jacklyn sides with Jennifer and announces, "Blakely is super fakely!" She rags Boom-Boom for acting like a ho to get the rose. As the evening comes to a close, Ben sits them down and offers up the rose to "Someone who owned the day and night" and he hands the flower to Blakely while the audience screams "No!" Jennifer cries in a P.I. Shit move, Stormhorse.

Ben's "Son" Joins Him and Courtney

Ben picks Courtney up and Sweetie Pie Kacie sends her off with a "You're not a nice person." Ben takes her out for a ride in the woods to walk his dog. Courtney is properly attired in the 1 on 1 date uniform of the evening: cowboy boots and shorts. Ben clucks like a rooster and the dog howls while Courtney pretends its cute. They sit by a stream and Ben is stunned she is available. The dog starts whining and Ben covers the wet mutt with a blanket and to genius Courtney, this means he's father material. Ok. Courtney tries to smarm him up by I lose the train of conversation staring at her horribly puffed out, botox upper lip. Ben finally brings me back to earth by launching the first of several "Is she too good to be trues?" Why are the producers trying to get me to doubt this woman so much? No idea, but they are showing everything to make her look like trash, and nothing to make her look even remotely endearing. Ben takes her for a tractor ride and they walk the rented vineyards and have dinner while Ben gushes and then drops a few more "too good to be trues," while they eat. They compare dating histories and she says, "I even dated an actor, but…it fizzled." Hear that Jesse Metcalf? Courtney says you can suck it. Suck it hard! What's totally obvious is just how stunningly besotted with her he is. What this means? No idea, but the rose was an automatic.

Cocktail Party Crap

Ben marches in dressed in his limo driver outfit, while Courtney says she has a rose, so she'll just sit back and let the others shoot themselves in the foot. She does and they do. Lindzi the Misspelled gets first time to remind us she is there. The women cheer Ben's skinny tie but I hear the strains of My Sharona. Skinny ties? Since when? Anyway, that's the cue for Boom-Boom to get super agressive again, despite already having a rose. The producers, knowing Samantha hates Blakely, send the latter in to steal Ben. This prompts the formation of anti Boom-Boom sisterhood, and a pile of other girls rag her to pieces. The producers play the Jaws theme as Blakely tries multiple thefts and the women get angrier. They finally start calling her names and she heads to the luggage room and pretends to cry so Ben will come find her and Jacklyn sends her off with, "I don't want her horseface in my pigface!" or something like that.

While Blakely fakes crying, its time for our moment of zen. Ben takes Jenna, the Insane Blogger outside and before they can even speak, Jenna is shown in P.I.'s winding up to start a quick meltdown. They speak for a few seconds and Jenna stammers nervously and still hasn't completed a sentence in the last two weeks before the producers shove her over the edge by sending Pig Snout Jacklyn out for the steal. Jenna heads out and wisely decides to get thunderously shitfaced, since we know how well she handles alcohol. The producers kick and shove until the waterworks start and then Jenna heads for a bedroom to lie in a bed and cry for the rest of the night. Ben hunts down the fake crier to see she's not really crying and fishes the mental remains of Jenna out of the bed so Harrison can dart over from the set of his cancelled gameshow with his champagne glass and cheeseknife tinging.

Dump 'Em Danno!

Already safe: Sweetie Pie Kacie, Courtney the Sharktress, and Boom-Boom Blakely

Ben hits them with a bunch of insincere BS and then gets to work.
Roses:
1) Jennifer the Red. 'Bout damn time!
2) Dr. Emily--mighty quiet this week.
3) Elyse-silence is golden
4) Pig Snout Jacklyn--ok.
5) Erika the Dress Filler
6) Chain Smokin' Rachel--very quiet week
7) Lindzi the Misspelled
8) Nicki the Narrator
9) Casey S.--Total silence is platinum!
10) Samantha the Pageant Queen
11) Bi Monica
12) Nurse Jamie--too sane for us to see much of her
13) Granny Panty Brittney--ho hum.

Dumped: Soccer Mom Shawn--departs with so much dignity she is not even shown; and Jenna, the Insane Blogger. Jenna wanders the grounds and melts down like a candle on top of a nuclear reactor. "Are you kidding me? Are you really kidding me? I can't believe this is happening! No!"
I can just imagine the producer standing there with a copy of her psychological profile saying, "Seriously! We just got an emergency phone call teling us your father died." What douche bags.

Next week: Ben goes to San Francisco and Granny Panty Brittney appears like she's gonna' head out on her own and Shawntel Newton comes back to get humiliated. See ya then.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

1/2/2012--Enter Stormhorse

The Evolution of a Man?
Greeting, matey's! It's time again for the seasonal fungus known as the Bachelor. This time, your Captain will be riding shotgun on the antics of "vino" Ben Flajnik, who got kneed in the teeth last season by Bachelorette, Ashley Hebert when he tried to propose to her, and threw a royal shift about it too; endearing him to millions...or at least to the producers of this crap.

But this season, my friends, ABC promos and the Mouth of Sauron himself, Chris "Wingman" Harrison, have been lauding Ben's journey as the evolution of a man, from insular party boy to all grown up and deeply sensitive Renaissance Man. Ok. So this is what they want us to keep our eyes on, eh?  Gotcha and Check. I'm all over it. But is this the true story? Hmmm. Let's see what Ben has to say about that.

Yeah, pretty cool stuff. Our boy Stormhorse is out to relieve those nagging Cream Dreams with the help of "more females". But this was before, you see, before he had Evolved, or Envolved, whatever. Now he tills the soil, producing the vintage of the gods, seeking a sole woman to share a lifetime of winemaking with him...or not. The previews hold a clue and they say...Ben is a walking hormone. The previews have focused on Ben swimming naked and going wild. But is this true? Did Ben play the old Bachelor game of "hottest one wins" or did he embark on a journey to find true and lasting love while he navel gazes his way around his vineyard aching for the moment when he can head home to Mrs. Right? Ha! You ARE joking; this is the Bachelor and Stormhorse lives! Cool! Turning the pirate ship into the wind and coming alongside with cannons roaring, let's get to it. 

A Renaissance Stormhorse

I was just settling into my seat with a glass of wine when out from game show cancellation hell pops the Wingman, sashaying across the spritzed down driveway dressed like a limo driver and shouting out his dramatic hyperbole.Harrison, ever the master of historical revisionism, happily informs us that getting down on a knee and being nationally humiliated has turned out to be just what the doctor ordered for Ben. As a matter of fact, he was so convincing I asked my wife to divorce me. 

After I'd ducked the frying pan, I looked up to see a limo arrive and out pops Ben, looking so much like a Harrison clone I thought he was driving it instead of riding in the back. What was with the black suit-white oxford-black tie get up? They both looked like they were about to join Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and go hunt some aliens. Fortunately, Ben is still sporting his Moe Howard haircut so I could tell them apart. But unfortunately for him, the haircut matched with that suit made him look like he was about to audition to be the new lead singer for The Knack instead of being the Bachelor. 

Regardless, they have one of their staged, highly scripted powwows where Ben says all the right things and might mean half of them. They also offered a preview of the women, but we're about to get both barrels of these honeys, and a crazier, more drunken, sack of cats this show has never cast before. So without further ado, let's follow Ben out and see what we got. 


*The Playas:

1) Nicki the Narrator: the only divorced woman in the cast. A dental hygienist from Texas,she came across as sexy and sane...drunk too, but I pick nits. If this one doesn't lose her mind, she goes far. Narrated most of the episode despite being hammered for much of it. Gotta' like a babe who can hold her schnapps. 

2) Kacie: Sweetie Pie: Tennessee gal who was sweet, sane, and beautiful. Sober too. One of the only ones who wasn't plastered the entire night. This one will be a fan favorite.


3) Boom Boom Blakely: a former Hooters girl whose nasty pics are all over the net. Was more mannish-looking that I was expecting, but she was still damned attractive. I'm assuming Stormhorse agrees. One of the other gals did anyway. (more on that in a minute) 


4) Jennifer the Red: the sole redhead in the cast with striking blue eyes. An accountant who hit Ben up with a numbers game at the intro, and was looking hot, sober, and sweet. Might be another fan favorite.


5) Chain Smokin' Rachel. Hottie with a family pedigree in Reality TV, but was sportin' a voice like she huffs Camels like candy. Got too involved with the silly drama blossoming all around her, but came off as sweet and helpful instead of rattlesnake mean, like many. 



6) Dr. Emily: some cutesy blond who is on the cusp of being an Epidemiologist. Got a little slurry and was mean at times, but cute and obviously confused. What the hell is a P.H.D. doing on THIS show?


7) Lindzi the Misspelled: came riding in on a horse and netted the First Impression Rose. Older-looking than her age too. Not much my type, but she sure looked like she was Ben's; he spent a good portion of his evening drooling on her.


8) Courtney the Sharktress: Oh man, here comes trouble. Striking model who thinks she’s even prettier than she is, but not half as hot as 'ol Stormhorse seemed to think she was. Looked great as long as she is made up like a model girl,but without make-up? Eh. Also has that thin, waif-like look that fashion magazine editors love, but is bony and has a set of NFL linebacker shoulders. It made her look like a preying mantis with a giant head. But Ben looked ready to Cream Dream in his pantaloons at the sight of her. She's been everywhere in the previews and is consistently being portrayed as a self-involved bitch too. Definitely this seasons bad girl. She will go far on hotness alone, unless Ben really is a an evolved man and not a horny Stormhorse. Bets?

Anyway, that's my top group. The rest? Time will tell. 
Once Ben gets the indoors, the insanity ramps up quickly, and the booze flows instantly. Before Ben can even get inside the Fleiss Diet is clearly working. Nothing like combining no food with hours of alcohol. Add to that with a little mental illness and you have the Bachelor. 


Chain smokin' Rachel is up first and she orders Ben outside to tell him she lost her job by taking too many smoke breaks or something. Narrator Nicki hits him up next with some of her Texas charm but she passes on the divorce news...then goes and gets tanked.Lindzi the Misspelled gets her crack and it's soon apparent she and Rachel are going to be hanging out around the pool with some Chesterfields. Wow, rough voice number 2. But she does share a few decent moments with Ben regardless. 



Now it's time for some absurdity. Turns out one of the girls was too terrified to talk to Ben on her own and brought along her granny, Sheryl, to do her talking for her. Granny Panty Brittney skulks in the corner while grandma attempts to hook her up with Ben. He clearly liked grandma Sheryl, but Brittney? Eh, not feeling it. But it gives Brittney a chance to whine how much she wants the First Impression Rose. 

Right on cue, like Jeeves the Pimp, here comes Harrison with the first rose on a silver platter. The Wingman drops the flower on the table and Ben cringes in the corner. It was liking firing a starter pistol at the insane asylum. Soon the room is alight with Stupid Human Tricks; dumb hats, cocktail dress soccer, and needless push-up performances abound. One also ran crams candies into his mouth. This was supposed to prove something? Even worse, ultra white girl, Dr. Emily decides to show just how Gangsta' her white ass is by rapping about diseases or something. Damn, go back to the soccer match. 

Just as I'm dreaming of hitting the mute button, here comes Courtney the Sharktress, burying her arrogant and abrasive attitude a moment to charm Ben. "I'm just nice, normal..." uh-huh.He drools into his own lap while they talk and it's pretty obvious some wine guy is gonna have some major Cream Dreams this night. But before the Creamer can yank his crank, it's time to go nuts. 


Jenna, the Insane Blogger, who's been desperately trying to hold herself together since the moment we first saw her, starts to come apart at the seams. She gets hammered and decides to take on Bi Monica in a "You're here for the wrong reasons" contest. Monica, who is bombed and mean as a barracuda, quickly realizes she has a psycho on her hands and goes out of her way to torment Jenna a little. It doesn't take much as Jenna spirals downward and stays that way for the rest of the night. She cries, slurs, and the thin layer of glue that's been holding her together melts completely. The next 45 minutes of the show consists of Chain Smokin' Rachel chasing Jenna around trying to keep her from blowing up. Monica, who had told Jenna to go drop dead, is finally conned by Rachel to have a peace making session with El nutso. Jenna, trembling and holding on to her facade of sanity finally makes her way into the psycho top 10 by launching this winner: "Maybe we could share a tampon?" WTF?


Monica taps into Jenna's insane karma and decides to get trashed and try to pick up Boom Boom Blakely. This chick is from Utah? Wow, I'm starting to think that Fleiss is on a personal crusade against this state. Monica, acting like the only openly bi-sexual woman in Salt Lake City, practically makes out with Boom Boom on the sofa. Suffice it to say, the Hooters girl didn't exactly run away in terror either. They wrestle around on the couch as kidnapped husbands all over America stand and applaud Mike Fleiss for finally showing something they want to see. 


The camera loses focus on Jenna just long enough for us to see Nurse Jamie, looking and acting nice. This gal had a sad story of parental abandonment and raising her younger siblings while still getting a nursing degree. What a damn shame we couldn't focus on her or single mom Shawn a while instead. Losing both sobriety and sanity, Jenna heads into the bathroom to have a long, sobbing cryfest with what I'm forced to assume was a commode. Hey, I know! Maybe that Masked dude from last season was still skulking around the mansion crappers and was in there listening to her. If he was, we can stop worrying about him ever bothering us again. He would have drowned himself in the toilet after listening to that. Good work Fleiss; did you find this gal on a nut farm? Nauseating. 

Ben finally ambles in and gets the rose while the editors try and make it look like he's going to interrupt Jenna and the Mask in the toilet to give it to her. But he speeds on past the bathroom to give the flower to Lindzi the Misspelled. The second he festoons her, in comes with the Wingman with his champagne glass and cheese knife and clears the room like Godzilla farted in there.












Dump 'Em Danno!

Once Harrison lines em up and Ben goes into his wine cellar to deliberate, we come back to see them all lined up waiting for Jenna to finish off the Mask and join the party. 

Dumped:
1) Holly and her dumb hat
2) Amber T. and her tiger dress
3) Amber Bacon and her dumb name
4) Lyndsie and her dumb everything
5) Shira the ancient skeletor
6) Anna the silent Snowball. 

Ok, one down. Next week it's off to Sonoma so Bens family can look down on all the women. 

See ya then