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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Emily Week 7: Bobble Head Chris's Time of the Month

Your Whining Vaccination

Folks, I'm having to type this to you via my iPad. Ya know why? Because my air conditioning is broken...and I live in Florida...Florida in June. With a broken air conditioner. I'm on this iPad cause if I placed my MacBook on my lap to type like a normal human being, my nuts would melt! Well, there ya go. Hope that got you warmed up for today's recap so when Bobble Head Chris spends the entire episode whining like a giant ovary, you'll be immune. No need to thank me; it's my pleasure.

What an oddball episode this one was anyway. Chris spent the night in the backdrop, bitching, whining, and crying like a toddler while a storm broke about Arie that couldn't have been less interesting. Meanwhile several dudes got one-on-one dates and Captain Obvious reclaimed the helm of this ship and spoilers, which have been non-existent to this point, became completely unnecessary, at least as far as the final 3 are concerned. What was different was a sudden explosion of "Wingman" sightings. This guy is usually as elusive as Bigfoot, but Harrison was snatched from his private lair repeatedly, and doubtlessly exhausted himself this night.

 

The Incredibly Romantic City of Prague.

 

Remember when there used to be a Czechoslovakia? I always pictured the place as soot gray, covered in a permanent haze of pollution from the tank factory, and reeking to high heaven from crumbling, shoddily-built worker flats. Well congrats to the (somewhat) newly minted Czech Republic for not allowing the commies to destroy your architecture or poison your environment beyond repair. When I first heard the show was going to Prague, I laughed. What, were they going to stage dates in the slag heaps or the tank factory? Uh, no. They were going to stage dates in some gorgeous architectural places along scenic rivers that looked more like Vienna (the city, not the worthless fameho) than my mental picture of the Soviet Bloc could ever conjure. Who's the rube now? Showed me Czech people. Or Czechs or whatever. Feels stupid naming a people from such a beautiful country after an outdated financial instrument, but whatever. Those Checks showed my hillbilly ass what a beautiful country they got. Regardless, out comes Harrison for the first of what will be several appearances tonight. He lines the remaining clods up and spells out the date line up: 3 one-on-one dates with no roses anywhere, and 1 group date. No idea what that was about, but definitely a change up. It's at this moment that my tv went out because we needed an update from our local weather schmuck about the tropical storm that was pounding down all around us. Thanks, I could have looked out the window.

 

Wingman Filibuster

 

When we return, Race car Arie and Emily are already on a date and already kissing. Quick inserts let us know that Emily knows Arie has a secret. Apparently Arie used to date a bachelor producer. Woooooo, and he never told Emily about it. Before I can start to digest what this might mean here comes the wingman out in front of the Bachelor Mansion in LA to expound about what it all means. He pounds on about "full disclosure" and shows us a taped sequence where Cassie Lambert--the scarlet producer--set up a camera and talked with Emily about it. Emily feels like Arie hid the relationship from her, blah, blah, etc, etc. For whatever reason, Emily doesn't appear nettled at Cassie in the least, which is weird since she and Cassie have probably spent ten times the amount of time together these past seven weeks than she has with Arie, but whatever. This gives us a chance to see Emily sit with Arie and she prods him to get him to talk. Nada. When we return from commercial, here comes the Wingman again acting like an expository character in a bad novel. He explains what we just saw...BUT...all three people sat down and talked it out deciding it was no big deal, BUT...they didn't film it? Yeah, right. What a load of crap! They bother filming Cassie grilling Emily about how she feels about it, but they don't bother to film all three of them discussing it and use the wingman like a cheesy chorus in a bad Greek tragedy? BS. What really happened? No idea. But who cares. Emily didn't send Arie home and only moments later we see them back on the date alluding to the "bombshell" and laughing. Arie then L-Bombs her early, just to show all is well. Weird. They ride away on the roof of a harbor ferry and Arie grins "I'm on top of the world." No, you're on top of a boat. Date over.

 

Care for Some Cheese to Go With Your Whine?

 

As Arie and Emily finish up their weird date, it's time for Bobble Head Chris to get his panties in the tightest wad of the season and whine, whine, whine. Awaiting the next one-on-one date card to arrive, Chris starts hyperventilating and showing how incredibly STUPID he is. Why stupid? He keeps wondering why he hasn't had a date since Charlotte? Because she likes the other guys more than you, stupid! Kick back, fill your suit, have a beer, and enjoy what remains of the free trips. Geez, what a moron. But blind, or just plain dumb, Chris whines and cries the entire episode showing how out of it he is. The date card arrives and serial profanity expert, John Wolf, calls his own name for one-on-one time. Chris practically soiled his drawers. Chris, my friend, you just lost out to perpetual nobody, John Wolf. It's time to call it a season, bub. Wolf meets her in the city but Emily is already telling us she doesn't much care for the guy. They go for a ferry ride and he proceeds to blame his dad, a slut ex girlfriend and the economic recession for his disengaged attitude. Emily takes him to a John Lennon wall to paint bad pictures and lecture him about censored music. They paint a horrid looking boat and then go to some bars where people put stolen bike locks up to represent their love. Naturally, when Wolf tries to fix their own personal bike lock up, he can't get it closed. "Not a good sign," Emily foreshadows. Yeah. At dinner in a dungeon, Wolf gets to play pin the tale on the sleazy ex-girlfriend to explain why he has been indifferent to Emily. She smiles. Since there is no rose on this date, she can't dump him...yet. Date over.

 

Whiny McCrybaby

 

The group date card has arrived and buuuuuuurrrnnn! Chris's name is on it, along with Dug, the absent father, and Sean the Genetic Marvel. Chris does everything but burst into tears and throw himself out the window. Just to twist the knife, Fleiss sends John Wolf in to brag about how well his date with Emily went. Feeling the need to toss us a curveball, Fleiss now sends Genetic Marvel Sean out into the streets of Prague to make a total nuisance of himself to the locals by running through the street yelling, "Emily!" at the top of his lungs. I was waiting for a local to toss a shoe a him like he was a feral Tom cat. While Chris pouts and whines, Sean chases around the city followed by a camera crew until he finally runs up on Emily loitering in a back alley. Emily worries Sean will get into trouble."Oh, no one will know." and maybe they won't. As silly as it sounds, someone got Courtney out of her hotel last season to go have sex on the beach with Ben. Anyway, Sean takes her to a little cafe where she apologizes for the group date and he takes her back into the alley to finally kiss her like he wants her. He even pins her against the wall and starts hip thrusting her. Hey now!

 

Dug the Unbelievably Lame

Emily greets her mini group date in a village square where all the participants hold umbrellas to staunch the rain of tears Bobble Head is about to throw at us. But Chris's tears aside, no one and nothing will look lamer and more ridiculous on this outing than Dug, the absent father who couldn't teach an 8th grader how to pick up women. They all pile into an open carriage and get rained all over. The boys hold umbrellas over Emily so her make up wont get ruined and they go up a hill to a 13th century castle. Dug practically ruptures himself because he gets to goof around an old castle and to celebrate it, he gives the lamest toast of the season. Emily hauls him aside and gives him one last chance to make his pitch. Dug settles in and acts like Emily has cooties. He sits arms crossed and desperately tries not to touch her. Boy, I hope Dug's kid isn't expecting any advice about women. Frankly, Dug comes off as gay. And filled with seething rage, just under the surface. What a catch this guy is. Emily can't take anymore and she walks him out under the castle drawbridge and tries in her awkward, kind way to dump him. Sensing the axe heading towards his neck, Dug lunges in for the most awkward kiss I've seen in watching this entire franchise. Emily gulps, resets, and tosses him out. Dug walks away stunned and shocks me by holding it together...until he gets into the van, where he melts down and bawls like a toddler. Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Oh, Dug, your kid will need therapy after this. You would think with Dug now removed, that Chris might settle down a bit. Uh, no. Emily has gone from a 3-on-1 to the always uncomfortable 2-on-1 and to make matters worse, Chris is now up against the Genetic Marvel who, unbeknownst to him, got to dry hump Emily in an alley the night before. Chris is totally outgunned and acting like an insecure bitch. Emily splits them up by producing two keys to a door so she can slip away individually with them. She hands Sean a huge key while Chris is given a small key with no teeth on it. Surprise! Sean's key opens the door and he takes Emily inside for more intense tonsil hockey. Chris goes next and start pissing and carping about not getting a one-on-one. Emily basically tells him "uh, sorry." Chris pouts and they walk out where she sits them down and roses Sean. Chris tosses a snit, his chick mouth quivering and his bobble head bouncing around all over his shoulders. Date over.

 

The Emergence of One-F-Jef

It's taken 7 weeks but here he comes! Perpetual teenager, One-F-Jef, lands the last one-on-one and starts his kick for the finish. Jef has been, at best, a dark horse to this point, and one I can't explain even in those terms. But he comes out front and center tonight, and I certainly can't begin to explain that. What's between these two completely escapes me. Emily is a 26 year-old single mom genetic marvel and Jef is...er, a perpetual teenager with a bad hairdo and the body of an 8 year-old boy. But here he sits and I must now officially brand him a player. Jef made big moves tonight and there is something undeniably sweet between he and Emily, I'm just not sure what. They go first to a marionette shop and play with puppets. Uh, it actually looked like fun and I can't believe I'm writing that but these two sold it. Must be their chemistry together. They play with two dolls as their avatars and Jef drops an Love-Bomb as the voice of the marionette but then drop the "Like" bomb when he speaks as himself. They go into a library that's painted like the Sistine chapel and put on a puppet show that I should rip to shreds, but it was actually sweet. Then they lay on the library floor and make out a lot. Never saw this coming. Date over

 

Let's Whine to the Finish Line

 

The boys come clattering up to the rose ceremony location in some antique cars and we begin a thirty minute Bobble Head meltdown. In between Chris crying and telling the boys he needs to talk with Emily, Harrison is called out yet again so Emily can tell him her mind is already made up and she needs no extra time. John Wolf decides it time to Overrate himself like Ryan and Chris goes completely to pieces. Harrison lines them up and Emily finally wears royal blue and it's all her.

Already Safe: Sean the Genetic Marvel: Player

 

Roses:

1) One-F-Jef: the race is joined at last. Player

2) Race Car Arie: forgiven or not: Player

 

Harrison staggers in looking like he ran a marathon this week, and counts ONE.

 

Chris, who has been standing there like a whore in church, fidgeting wildly, tapping his foot so violently that I expected his bobble head to tumble off his shoulders and come to a stop in front of Emily, finally breaks in, "Emily I need to talk with you!"

She leads him away where he apologizes for acting like a spoiled brat all episode. Frankly, if there didn't need to be 4 hometown dates to film, this guy was toast.

 

They re-enter, but Harrison is simply too exhausted to reset them, so they just line up.

3) Bobble Head Chris: NOT a player. Orgasms in his pants afterwards anyway. Idiot.

 

Dumped: John Wolf. Manages to exit without cursing and for one of the only times this season, departs without crying or embarrassing himself. Maybe we need more indifferent guys.

 

Next week: hometowns and Chris will finally get dumped anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Emily week 6--The Beautiful Highlands of Scot...er, Croatia!


Vacation Calls
Greeting friends. This week the Captain joins you from the balmy coast of Florida, where the Wench Queen requested he put into port in a very low, meek voice. The meat cleaver she had in her hand had no bearing upon my decision to drop anchor either. Anyway, as part of being a good husband, we vacation together in the tropics, but that won't stop Bachelorette watching nor will it stop me from blasting it. Emily must date on, therefore I must follow her to the end of the Earth (or the Balkans anyway) to pester both her and the remaining men who vie for her hand. Notably absent will be her daughter, Ricki-tick, who is back in Charlotte minding their free house and terrorizing her free nanny.

Meanwhile, Somewhere in Central Europe

Things start this geographically challenged episode with Emily wandering around the Balkans spelling out her certainty and confusion about the men who remain. She means to figure out the ones she's unsure about. Which means she's about to chop a few heads off. She wanders the city as the boys make a harbor side entrance to pay back the Dubrovnik Chamber of Commerce for footing the bill for this weeks episode. The boys justifiably ohhhh and ahhh about the beauty of the place and One-F-Jef demonstrates that bouffant-haired skater dudes know dick about Central European geography (and much else I would assume) by staring at the fortress that guards Dubrovnik harbor and wistfully noticing that “it looks just like a castle...” You don't say? Do they need to put a giant sign on the turrets, battlements, and drawbridge that says “This be castle!” to help out nitwit Americans? Anyway, the boys have just finished whining about how they all need the one-on-one date of the week when in walks Emily. She hands Frohawk Travis the date card and hastily departs like Harrison gave her lessons. Travis calls his own name to go look for love "beyond the walls". The geniuses all furrow caveman brows and wonder what this cryptic clue could mean. Uhhh, I'm just guessing here Mensa, but I'm betting a castle might be involved since we saw hundreds of them in the intro. It also appears that the newly single Harrison must have gone on a post-divorce bender and was totally absent. I barely noticed. Hey Fleiss, save a half million year; your palooka stagehand could do the job for less and Siri could do it for free. True, true, computers are not yet cheesy enough I guess.

 

The Frohawk Gets Trimmed

 

Frohawk meets Emily by the harbor with an Mississippian bleat of his hayseed voice and the two 'necks from Mississippi/West Virginia head off into the medieval fortress city of Dubrovnik. They don't make it five feet before they wander inside a (guess?) castle. Man, I'm good. Anyway, she leads him around the city playing tour guide and Fleiss and Co. finally decide to just let her read facts from the Michelin Guide instead of trying to convince us that Emily has a doctorate in World Cultures. They happen upon some tourist trap device called “The Balancing Stone.” Emily tells him that his ability to balance up there while undressing is what will determine his fate in love. Isn't that sweet? Who knew those feisty Croatians had such a streak of romance in them? When not busy defending themselves from, or trying to kill Serbians, Bosnia Herzegovinians and god knows who else, they must be poets. Anyway, the poor dumb stone that Fleiss has created for this stunt stares up at Travis, who mounts it and promptly falls off. Emily pretty much props him up on the rock but Travis quickly bails without peeling off his checked shirt. Emily scowls, “I'm bummed. I was wondering what was under that shirt and I thought I have him the perfect set up." She did. Frohawk boy, you're a douche. Truthfully though, I think Travis has spent too much time around Overrated Ryan, Dug, and the rest of the steroid gang and was afraid to take his shirt off and show off his averageness. Now for your musical interlude for the entire evening.They wander down an ally where some dude in a red fez is sawing away on a three-stringed instrument that was somewhere in between a fiddle and a bass, but it's at this moment that I realize that something weird has been going on: as Emily and Travis wander Dubrovnik I realize I've been hearing Irish music the entire time. Huh? Did Fleiss loose his atlas? Is that dude in the fez the sum total of Croatian folk music? Just weird. And it will get weirder. But before weirdness sets in totally, Emily and Frohawk go to dinner and waste about 15 broadcast minutes that came down to one central theme: Travis is friend card material. Period. Emily hems and haws for 10 minutes to get there but she makes it. Travis shrugs it off and mans up like John Wayne. Heheh, I'm kidding. Travis sits in front of the camera and explodes like an estrogen bomb. Buzzzz! Damnit Harrison, will you get your ass out of the cocktail lounge and get these guys a guidebook? They keep blowing up and melting down and there's no balcony railings anywhere in sight. Clear violation. Anyway, Travis walks away in the rain with an umbrella and bawls...just like the Morton Salt Girl. Oh that's right. SHE wasn't crying. Puke. Date over

 

The Croatian Highlands!

 

Emily meets her groups daters--Genetic Marvel Sean, John Wolf, Bobble Head Chris, Dug!, Arie the Racer, and One-F-Jef--to do a product placement for a new Pixar movie called Brave; as in Pixar owned by Disney who owns ABC. In other words a commercial disguised as a date. Anyway, some Pixar-generated Scotsgirl decides to win an archery contest so she can marry herself or whatever. Very inspiring. And since it's a movie about Scottish self-love, Emily tells the turds at the conclusion of the movie that they will be competing in Highland Games, just like in Scotland. Except they're in Croatia. Which makes sense. Unless it doesn't. Whatever, the boys all dress in kilts and sleeveless black shirts and march out to bagpipe music. Emily insists its got Croatian flavor anyway because Croats ride into battle on donkeys so the boys get to climb aboard a burro in their kilts and get a donkey spine rammed up their sphincters. Damn, I'll bet the Dubrovnik Chamber of Commerce is pissed--forward brave men of Croatia; once more into battle in your kilts and having your rectum wrecked by a donkey spine while a Scot plays Bonnie Scotland on his bagpipe! I think this is known as culture rape, Disney style. Anyway, they finally dismount and hobble around like they've just been sodomized by a herd of bull elephants. Once the pains in their rectums subside, let the games begin! It begins with Bobble Head Chris predicting his own greatness at being a faux Scotsman. Naturally, this means he will be laughable, and he is. They begin with archery and editing makes everyone look like Robin Hood except Chris--who poses, draws and releases like Maid Marion. On a bad day. The arrow arcs about ten feet and misses the target. The others all laugh at him. Up next is some kind of log toss. Chris, after his pathetic effort on archery, volunteers to lead things off and he hefts the log about 5 feet. All the other guys toss it fairly well except 110 pound, One-F-Jef, who staggered around and looked like the log would fall on top of him and crush him. That led to Genetic Marvel Sean, who fired the log so far that it broke on impact. Emily almost lost her breath, "I admit, that was damned impressive." and so it was. Up next was a contest where the men sit facing each other, foot to foot, with a stick between them and each tries to pull the other toward them or the stick out of their hand. Emily draws Chris first and he picks Dug! Dug quickly yanks Chris airborne with minimal effort. The contest ends when Sean yanked Dug up and almost over his head. As a reward, Emily hands out the Bravery Cup to...Chris? It's an award for being a spaz? Maybe I need to look up the word “bravery” again. Anyway, now that every guy gets to see that Emily will faint if they try and sign their son up for football or anything that's icky competitive, or they actually keep score, or where there's no “almost winners”, darkness falls.

 

As the sun sets, they all head to a beautiful place on the edge of the water so she can take her favorites aside, starting with Sean. She reassures him a hundred times over what a genetic marvel he is, but the kisses between these two seem tepid. Next up is Race car Arie and there is nothing tepid going on here. This guy face rapes her every time he's near her and she certainly puts up no fights. Later, he will take a producer prompt and go spend time alone with her after she finishes off Overrated Ryan. No question, this guy is a front runner. While Arie is ramming his tongue into Emily's stomach, back at the resort, Overrated Ryan sits all alone with just enough room in the suite for his body and ego and gets his own date card. Predicting he will be the golden boy of the universe as usual, Ryan goes and cuts some douchy carvings into his douchy beard, to be ready. While Ryan is busy loving on himself, we switch back to the party where Emily decides to award the date rose to Bobble Head Chris to go with Spastic Performance Cup or whatever it was. Chris purses his chick mouth, grins in a self-satisfied and slightly gay manner, and giggles so hard I'm waiting for his bobble head to fall off his unathletic shoulders. We didn't see Sean and Arie look at each other and smirk, but we could have. With the numbers dwindling, Chris is now verging on suit-filler territory here. Date over.

 

Ryan Goes From Overrated to Vastly Overrated

 

Next up, Emily decides it's time to dump the last remaining douche on the show: Overrated Ryan. Frankly I'm too exhausted from watching this hydrogen head tell me how wonderful and blessed he is so I'm not re-watching it just to write this. Suffice it to say that Ryan ambled around looking like an Elvis Impersonator like he always does and presented Emily with a list of demands he requires in a wife and kept calling her a “trophy wife”. True, Emily came out for dinner in a gold dress and when you combine that with her blonde hair, veneered teeth, spray-tanned bod and surgically enhanced bust,she did look like Hugh Hefner's bowling trophy, but the label was stupid, arrogant and uncalled for, just like Ryan. Finally, she dumps him. This is where things got interesting. Ryan, in total disbelief that anyone would dump him, practically bullied her into changing her mind. Kudos to Emily for holding firm. In the van ride of shame, Ryan even has the stones to ask the film crew to edit him fairly and not like an arrogant douche. Yeah, right. You might as well stand out on the beach, hold your arms up and beg the tide not to come in. Date, and my sour stomach from watching this arrogant wad, over.

 

Delaying the Inevitable.

 

At the cocktail party, Emily predicts doom for John Wolf and Dug. That was different. They rarely how us the leads thoughts before the roses come. But actually there's a reason: both guys survive. With John Wolf, it just takes dropping his wall a bit, managing not to cuss, and pulling out the funeral cards of his dead grandparents. Wow, good thing Emily didn't require seeing the bodies. Wolf gets all deep and morbid, and then he chokes up and bawls, proving he's more emotional (if not more interesting) than a bag of brick mortar. True, no balcony railing in sight but he gets a free pass on the buzzer for talking about dead relatives. Dug, the hot-tempered absent father, won't be so lucky. After spending weeks presenting Emily the perfect front while barely concealing his explosive temper with the men, Emily finally corners him and all but demands he start making some moves on her. Dug looks ready to pass out with fear. He's spent 6 weeks avoiding her like he's gay, but with enough pushing, he finally mans up and stops acting like a virgin. Feeling more secure, he goes off to talk to the camera and explodes like another estrogen bomb, presumably about the kid he's ignoring to be here trying to ignore Emily. Buzz! No free pass for you, Nancy. No balcony, no balls, no personality. Harrison finally makes an appearance and puts cheese knife to champagne glass calling off the party in Croatia. I was expecting him to come in playing the bagpipes. Shame.

 

Roses:

 

Already safe: Bobble Head Chris.

 

Flowers:

1) Sean the Genetic Marvel--will you please do something--anything-but smile confidently? Who are you anyway?

2) One-F-Jef--"Jef, can I see your ID before I give you this rose?" A true boy among men, but who knows?

3) Race Car Arie--doesn't mouth rape her--amazing

Harrison smirks his way into the room, counts one, and departs.

Emily now shows how bad an actress she is. After stewing around in badly performed false angst, she turns and wordlessly leaves the room. She hunts down Harrison, who is busy in a back alley trying to pick up some chick, and we see a highly planned, poorly edited, and abysmally acted scene where Harrison gets to make like my pet parrot: “Caw-- There are no rules--caw!" After trying to bait us (and the two remaining bozos) Emily tells the men that she can't hand out the last rose. Harrison then smarms his way into the room with two more roses and she flowers both guys, delaying their executions for one more week. Damn good thing Dug doesn't miss his kid too much.

 

Next week: Arie gets caught for screwing a producer in the past or something. See ya then!

 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Emily: Week 5--Typhoid Emily



Is it Groucho Time? 


Reports are appearing in the tabloids and from spoiler king Reality Steve Carbone that Groucho Roberto Martinez has swallowed some Fleiss Kool-Aide and agreed to become the next Bachelor. Might not be true, but probably is. The guy is a Star. It's a great coup for the Fleissmonster if true. Personally, I'm already beefing up my Marx Brothers photo library, writing down a bunch of cheap .5 cent cigar jokes, and scanning my thesaurus for relief pitcher ideas meaning "shelled" as in: "they put him in in the 7th inning and he got shelled!" I'll keep you updated. But first, it's recap time.

Merry Olde London:

The Bachelorette leaves the Americas this week and heads out to the Old World. This week your Captain follows the gang to the haunts and history of England, and I see I'm not the only one. Week 2 of Ricki's Free Vacation is in full stride as Emily takes her little tyke sight seeing around London to greet us. After touring Big Ben, along with Kensington and Buckingham palaces, the Maynards speed around London on a double decker bus and Emily fails to drop about a hundred mentions of Harry Potter to her daughter; proving that Exectuive Producer, Mike Fleiss, has enough money to sue Reality Steve but not enough to pay J.K. Rowling, or that since Emily is from North Carolina, little Ricki is clueless on the topic because stories about "good" witches and other witchcraft are strictly verboten. Or both. Anyway, Harrison is seen haunting Trafalgar Square as the meatheads all come running up to him. Wearing a jacket and and yet another purple accoutrement--a ridiculous-looking ascot--Harrison cheerfully informs the meatheads of the date line-up: 2, one-on-one dates and one, pitifully unfunny group date. He also tries his familiar Dark Jedi mind tricks again, "Only one of you will become Emily's husband; yeah, I said it!" as if all ten of the guys had rolled their eyes when he said it instead of the pasted on smiles we were shown. The boys all dismiss to the Mayfair Hotel to laugh their asses off in private as Harrison stomps off to the nearest public house to get rip roaring on Guinness and the ghost of Lord Horatio Nelson can be heard cursing the British Government that they allowed Chris Harrison to cheese up his triumphal square.

As the boys hit the suite, John Wolf finds a date card hiding on a table and manages to read it without cussing: "Sean, love takes no prisoners…and neither do my germs. Emily." And with that, Genetic Marvel Sean is called out to test his immune system. Seems that Emily has caught an awful-sounding bug showing Ricki around London and by the time the Marvel reaches her she is starting to sound very throaty. Before he can get to her though, we hear from the no one-on-one remainders: One-F-Jef, Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer, and Kay-Lynn, about how much they wanted those germs. Kay-Lynn, who will be a bitch the entire night, sounds grumpy from the get go, and Jef and his awful beehive hairdo lets it be known that doom awaits the dateless (cough: Alejandro). Emily greets Sean's Marvelousness in Hyde Park and they tour London on Ricki's old double decker bus. Sean demonstrates he knows absolutely nothing about London, but can cheese it up with the best of them: "London's calling, and you know what? I'm going to answer." Uh-huh. You don't know that Big Ben is a clock but you know Edward R. Murrow's tagline from during the blitz? Just show us the cue card why don't ya, Fleiss. Anyway, they ride around on the bus and Sean proves he's lost without his smartphone. Emily makes like an English Tour Guide and bores him by showing him the royal palaces where Charles and Diana's travesty began and where Kate kissed William more recently. Sean, meathead that he is, stares blankly at her and clearly wants to ask: "Who's William?" but he doesn't. He insists they get a photo of them kissing and he gets his first chance to sample the raging infection growing in her mouth. After a brief interlude where Kay-Lynn is allowed to act like an asshat to set up Emily's explosion later, we see she's taken Sean back to Hyde Park where she quizzes him on his dating history. He cops to one date four or five months ago but it never went on because "she definitely didn't have the qualities I was looking for." These qualities are never revealed naturally. Sean comes across as a milquetoast good guy but we aren't shown anything but his marvelous genetics. They then wander over to a park bench which local cranks usually frequent to predict the end of the world or the next Jewish conspiracy or whatever, and Sean climbs up and launches a boring soliloquy about love. Fleiss dubs out the part where the cranks are screaming at him "kill the Jews!" and "the end is nigh!" Thrilling.

When we return, darkness has fallen and Emily leads Sean into the Tower of London where they are greeted by a Beefeater guard who looked a lot like Paul McCartney's chubby uncle. The Beefeater leads them into the Tower where instead of an ax and chopping block, a lovely dinner has been left out for them. Emily lets Sean know that Henry VIII used to lock up his wives in that Tower and even lopped a few noggins off. Sean looks terrified! No, he doesn't, but if he had any sense he'd be sitting back away from her and her funk; Emily's voice is now little more than a hoarse whisper. Proving he knows as much about Germ Theory as he does about Big Ben, Sean fearlessly dives into conversation and kissing with her. Emily manages to croak out her fears that he is a divorced scoundrel with seven kids. While Emily tries not to collapse into her plate, back at the Mayfair, the group date card has arrived. Overrated Ryan reads "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…Emily". Hmm. Looks like being sick has magically changed Emily's handwriting. Whatever. The Shakespearean missive delivered, all the meatheads stare at each other like apes trying to use a computer and try and decode this confusing message. After concluding it has something to do with some English Queen named Shakestoor or something, Overrated Ryan reads out the names of: Bobble Head Chris, Arie the Racer, Overrated Ryan his own self, Dug the Ticking Timebomb of Fury, Alejandro not the Allesandro, Frohawk Travis, John Wolf (who promptly curses), and Kay-Lynn the disgruntled bottle of Summer's Eve. That means perpetual 8 year old, One-F-Jef, scores the last one-on-one.

Back at the Tower meanwhile, Emily decides it time to drop the bomb that she has a six year old daughter to Sean. Wow, the guy may be a meathead, but he has been around the last 5 weeks Emily. Do they have you on NyQuil; the old original Green Death flavor kind? It must be because she goes on to tell him she wants to be pregnant yesterday. She begins this first date bomb with the preamble, "I don't mean to rush things…" Hey Harrison, can't you get Fleiss to give one more production day here? Your Bachelorette must have a high fever. If a suitor had suggested such a thing, or a bachelorette talking to the Bachelor, we'd all call for the guys in white coats and butterfly nets to haul this person away. Sean, who paid no heed to her threats that they were eating in Henry the VIII's old dungeon, starts to squirm in terror. Emily presses ahead regardless, "How many children do you want?" Sean dances away, "I haven't put much thought to it." She presses for a big number and he relents, "I'm open-minded--two, six, ten." No, you haven't put much thought to it, have you Sean? Emily could care less. She grins at his amazing genetic code and tells us, "I couldn't imagine anyone being more perfect of a husband than Sean." Looks has nothing to do with it, folks. Unsurprisingly, out comes the rose and she all but staples it onto him. They hang out by London Bridge and Sean tries to prove that no damn virus is gonna' scare him by sucking her sick face off. Date over.

Stratford-Upon-Avon

We now see Emily greet the group date meatheads in Stratford-Upon-Avon and tells them that Romeo and Juliet is on the menu. The boys' faces all twist in disgust. "Don't get too scared," Emily tries to calm them. ""I did bring three Shakespeare experts." From the sound of her, she should have brought three infectious disease experts instead. Like these meatheads would care anyway. I can just imagine Overrated Ryan looking confused asking "Infec-what experts?" Nevermind. A couple of old English biddies who know all about Shakespeare come in to watch these chunkheads butcher the Bard. The focus spot is presumptive favorite, Arie the Racer, who pretty much drops a deuce at the thought of having to act. The boys all read Romeo's lines off a card and all are universally awful. Frohawk Travis hams it up with his interpretation of Romeo from Sweetwater Oklahoma. Inspiring. All the boys wallow around except for Kay-Lynn, who tries to read the lovelines of Romeo Montague but does it with so much vengeful intensity he sounds more like a gay Buford Puser. Anyway, the old birds pick Kay-Lynn, Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer, John Wolf, Overrated Ryan, and Kay-Lynn to all play Romeo. The worst two: Dug the Absent Father, and Racer Arie get picked to play nurses in drag. They ham around screeching in female voices like it's a Monty Python gag and Dug even grabs hold of another guy and kisses his cheek with his five o'clock shadow like it's a Benny Hill skit. Arie, who looked better than most drag queens in his dress came off as dense as a tire iron. "Poultice? What's a poultice?" Good lord. I thought the Dutch had a good education system. This guy has been in the States too long and we've dumbed him up. I'm guessing race driver college is the only University Arie has attended. Regardless, the final love scene commences and Overrated Ryan seems to think his ego is an adequate shield to viruses as he basically forces himself on a Emily's Juliet like she was a drunk college freshman. It will be fun to go and see this guy when he finally settles on his chosen profession of an Elvis impersonator performing at county fairs. Anyway, once the acting stops, we come to the main drama of the evening.

Emily Goes All West Virginia Hillbilly on Kay-Lynn.


Once Emily gets the boys to the restaurant, the men all start grousing about comments we are told Kay-Lynn made about Ricki being "baggage." I smelled a rat at once because we never saw Kalon make the comments, but when confronted by Dug, he does indeed admit to the comments and won't apologize. Dug sees his chance and goes and plays Rat and tattles on Kalon. Emily comes to a fast boil and even with her voice 90% gone, she shows off her West Virginia roots: "I want to rip his limbs off and beat him bloody with them!" She marches into the common room and confronts him. Ar first Kalon admits the comments and then lamely tries to defend himself. Emily finally blows up and orders him to get the fuck out. As Kalon exits and continues to wonder at his own marvelousness, Emily storms around and heads out for a walk. She returns and then hammers the boys for not telling her about the comments sooner. Frankly, this had me confused. First of all, it's a proven fact on this show that any contestant who attempts to rat out another is instantly dismissed for focusing on other people and not the lead, and secondly, when were they supposed to tell her? I was waiting for Dug to object when she refused to hand out the rose. "Hey, I ratted the guy out to you!" But no dice. Even presumptive favorite Arie now thinks he's a goner for not lynching Kalon. The bigger question: Is Ricki baggage? From some points of view, of course she is, but that term is loaded with negative connotations and Kalon certainly should have known better. But that's not important for two reasons: one, Kalon frequently used loaded code words in a variety of contexts these past five weeks and this was undoubtedly why he was brought on, and second: Kay-Lynn is a Ko-Lynn, so who cares? Anyway, Emily stays pissed, withdraws the rose, and vows to go home and make her daughter sick instead. Date over.

One-F-Jef Makes His Move…Finally!

Emily, despite her disappointment, goes on the next day to meet One-F-Jef in a park. After watching her lock up with Overrated Ryan, Gentic Marvel Sean, and Arie, Jef looks like an 8 year old boy whose mother cuts his hair. Bizarre. But Emily sure seems to dig the guy. They start out with a fake, forced interlude with some uppity English etiquette specialist named Jean. Jean is a highly scripted pain in the ass. The whole scene was a highly scripted pain in the ass as well. They act like Jean needs to visit the shitter and then these two slip out the second she leaves. They slip away to a local pub to sip beer and eat fish and chips and let Jef insist to Emily that he was the one Kay-Lynn made the Ricki comments to. Jef goes on and on assuring her how he stood up for her and basically told Kalon to take a hike. Jef comes across like he's been taking Mr. Perfect lessons from Dug, but Jef sells it to Emily and it's obvious how into this guy she is. Weird, but it seems real anyway. They go and eat on the London Eye and float above the city while he butters her up pretty good. He fluffs her but waits until the Eye is landing before he moves in for a kiss. She roses him as they land and he finally moves in outside the Eye besides the Thames and gets his share of germs. This guy might be a dark horse; we'll see. Date over.

Cocktail Quickie

Emily arrives at the party and spends her time plastering guys for not ratting Kay-Lynn out quick enough. The guys all retreat and get nervous as she presses to find out why they didn't stand up for her. Arie gets slapped down for it and thinks he's really in trouble. Overrated Ryan gets his moment to ham it up and starts to slither under Emily's skin, despite the fact that she knows better. Portents for the future? Sean, who was on the one-on-one when the Kalon incident happened, gets to butter her up and make out with her. This guy is a major player, no doubt.

Harrison wanders in with the cheeseknife and champagne glass and calls it off.

Dump 'Em Hillbilly!

Roses:
Already Safe: One-F-Jef, Sean the Genetic Marvel.

1) Dug the Rat--Rewarded for tattling. That's a first for this show.
2) Overrated Ryan--future Elvis Impersonator
3) Bobble Head Chris--quiet week.
4) John Wolf--manages not to cuss and sent a shout out to my man Ames by wearing some embarrassing red drawers.
5) Frohawk Travis--Oklahoma's finest Shakespearean actor--not!

Harrison wanders in "Gentleman, Emily; it's the final rose tonight. Excuse me while I go and find something purple for next week…when you're ready."

6) Arie the Racer--so much for drama. Arie versus Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer? Try harder, Fleiss.

Next week: It looked like Emily was storming up to Harrison to demand the behind the scenes info on these guys. Ha Ha! Seriously Emily? On to Croatia.



Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Emily: Week 4--Bermuda Schwartz

A Scottish Mormon? A Cub Scout Gone Horribly Wrong? Nope, it's One-F-Jef.

Quite an adventure this week as Emily and her meathead's fly out of Charlotte for the sun and storms on the Caribbean Island of Bermuda. Naturally little Ricki is in tow, as we are constantly reminded, but fortunately they keep it to a minimum. But what stood out this week was not the islands turquoise-blue water or gorgeous white sand beaches; no what stood out was Emily's continuing drive to impress with her toughness, down-to-earth humor, and good old fashioned, southern common sense. But she was joined by a contestant who launched one of the great fashion disasters in the history of this show. One-F-Jef, a guy who seems to want to scream: Look at me! I'm different! I'm off-center! For god's sake, pay attention to me! decided the moment was right to try and match Bermuda shorts with knee-high, baby-blue socks and a suit coat. It's pretty bad when homeless bums who frequent the undersides of bridge overpasses, think you're a fashion disaster. Well at least he stood out. But before he incites me to laugh my balls off, Harrison appears like the Lucky Charms leprechaun that he is and sets the fashion disaster tone with some rolled up sleeves of the most pimp-like purple. He also laid out the date line up. Turns out this week will have two, 1-on-1 dates and one of the dreaded 2-on-1-somebody-needs-to-get-his-ass-lost-date. The meatheads all groan as Harrison drops their first date card and vanishes like water vapor. Arie the Racer grabs the note and reads it to single daddy, Dug!, who's ready to sound like Mr. Perfect…when he's not on the verge of exploding with rage.

Dug's Too-Good-To-Be-True-Canned Answers


Doug spends the first few minutes of his triumph working himself up into a tizzy about how he's gonna' get dumped. Arie, sensing Doug's unease and the fact that this guy has got some roid-rage going on, proceeds to needle the guy until Dug is about ready to wring Arie's neck. As a storm blows in, Dug sits in the suites living room stewing in his juices while the other guys hammer him and he goes off like a Tourette's case. Emily comes strolling in while Dug stands up on the verge of tearing Arie's throat out. Emily stares around in confusion and finally lets Dug walk her out. Arie rags him in a P.I.: "Dug was like the Hulk! Dug angry, Dug smash!" Not bad for a European car racer. Once out and about, Dug holds the temper and proceeds to activate the cheese. The guy spends the entire day feeding Emily loads of his relentless sunshine bit. Let's do a quiz, Reader; Dug is:
           A) Cheesy
           B) Furious!
           C) Dull
If you guessed D) All of the Above, you win. About halfway through the date Emily starts to sense she's being BSed. He tells her he started a charity. "Of course you did!" Oh, Emily, you are making my heart swell with your sarcasm. They wander around shopping until Emily walks him to some tourist trap of dubious credibility called the "Moon Gate", where couples make wishes. They hold hands and march thru and…nothing. It's not nothing to Dug though, "That's awesome!" Yeah, walking under an arch, hot stuff.

Meanwhile, back at the meat locker, a date card arrives and Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer reads, "Lets set sail on the sea of love." and calls out Charlie Knieval, Overrated Ryan, Bobble Head Chris, One-F-Jef, Sean the Genetic Marvel, Race Car Arie, Frohawk Travis, and Kay-Lynn. The leaves four guys behind; two for the 2-on-1 and two for being ignored.

Back at the "date", Dug continues to slather on the BS. He insists his last girlfriend dumped him because he spent too much with his son and his failure to wash her car well enough. Emily's nose wrinkles at all the BS. "He's hiding something from me; aways gives me the perfect answer." She tries to fish him out but he won't budge. Finally, he turns the tables on her well enough to get the rose, but this guy doesn't stand a chance. Rose anyway.

Hamilton Yacht Club


The boys all arrive down at the docks and find out they're going sailing. As usual, the sailing is actually a competition; the boys are broken into two teams: Yellow and Red. The Yellows--Arie the Racer, One-F-Jef, Kay-Lynn, and Overrated Ryan get off to a slow start as the Red--made up almost solely of meatheads--Bobble Head Chris, Charlie Knieval, Genetic Marvel Sean, and Frohawk Travis, seem to think that sailing consists of cranking jibs and lowering sails faster than anyone else and that means you win. Uh, no. Sailing means tacking at the right time and stealing the wind from the other guy. The Yellows do exactly that and scream past the meatheads. A final turn move by the Reds nearly saves the day but the Yellow captain tacks again at exactly the right moment and Yellow wins easily. The losers are packed off and Charlie Knieval is made to look like he's crying? Really? Anyway, the Bachelor staff, including the fat Palooka Stagehand, go on high alert to contain the horny Red losers in the hotel suite so they don't slip away and join Harrison in the Resorts lounge picking up chicks.The Yellows get to follow Emily to the beach lounge where they kick back around the pool with the remnants of some tropical disturbance blowing and Overrated Ryan quickly toasts Emily as a "trophy wife." Arie thinks this shows Ryan's "true colors." If it does, then Ryan's true colors are shitbrown and nothing else. This is just the beginning of a long night of Ryan sounding like Greaseball Wes Hayden, without the talent or charm. Arie grabs Emily and takes her out onto the windy beach so they can make out a bunch. Next up is One-F-Jef, who survived the terrible injury of having his finger boo-booed on the boat. Frankly, I got more concerned when I saw him cranking the jib and mistook his wind-blown hair for an escaped beaver attacking his head, but whatever. Jef sits her down on the beach, and comes across as all genuine. He sells pretty good as the wind makes his hair attack him and bemoans he only gets group dates. Emily kisses his boo-boo for him but that's the only kissing going on. Jef plays hard to get and Emily sure seems to like being the chaser. Weird. Overrated Ryan now hauls her away to flirt with her, drop some moronic sports analogies, and sound completely full of himself. They then head back to the pool where Emily drops the rose on Jef, much to the confusion of Arie…and me. Must be the editing. Fireworks explode. Ryan naturally thinks its all a ruse to keep him from being jealous. Barf.


The Non-Existent Bermuda Love Triangle


Back at the meat locker, the next date card arrives and we hear John Wolf and Pretty Boy Nate get called out to not find love. I'm laughing already. Nate, who has been mute the past three weeks, and John, whose only lines have been bleeped out as he serially cusses himself into oblivion, make two of the least compelling 2-on-1 victims in recent seasons. Emily hauls them to a boat to go sailing in the ocean and film some scenes for the Bermuda Chamber of Commerce. She reads some script to let us know how much she regrets that one guy will get "lost at sea." Nice cheese. Anyway, the boys get dolled up and ride a dinghy out to a boat where Emily awaits. Meanwhile, back at the meat locker, the boys argue about age and maturity…zzzzz. Whatever. Bobble Head Chris gets shirty with Dug because Dug is a pompous, fake ass or whatever. The fight for later staged, we got back to Emily and her two nobodies as they go cliff jumping into the ocean. Emily and her suit fillers hop into the ocean and then she takes them to dinner in some tourist trap cave. The normal awkwardness on these dates abounds, so she splits them up and she takes Pretty Boy Nate aside. Nate actually speaks for the first time but can't even describe his wonderful family without dissolving into a fit of tears. Buzz! Good lord son, crying is only allowed at your wedding, the birth of your child, and at your father's funeral. The guy is still alive and you're seated in a cave next to a totally hot chick…and you're bawling like a baby? You're not allowed to cry on this show unless there's a balcony to collapse over. Nate, there is no such thing as a "Sitting Mesnick". Get out! Whatever drama the date had ends. Emily sits down with John Wolf and he doesn't cry like a vagina so he wins and will continue to fill his suit for the next week or two as Nate's crying ass is led away. Date over.

Cocktail Party: Bobble Head's Waterloo.


The cocktail party consists of Bobble Head Chris getting worked up and arguing with Dug because Dug insinuated he's a youngster or something. Buzz! That's it, Chris loses. I'm serious. When a contestant stops focusing on the Bachelor/ette and is shown focusing on the behavior of another contestant, you can play Taps for them. Shame. I liked Chris, despite his bobbling head and chick mouth. He then worsens the offense by getting time alone with Emily and whining about the other guys too. Bumm-pa-bum! Nice knowing you Chris. Shame we won't be seeing you in the finale. Anyway, Genetic Marvel Sean gets some time alone and Emily flirts shamelessly with his genetic marvelousness. They discuss Ricki and make out while Emily giggles. The guy might be a major player. Mostly though, the party is a chance to showcase Ryan as a self-inflated douchebag. Yeah, we knew that already. But let's be clear: the most entertaining and bizarre thing at the party was One-F-Jef's ludicrous outfit--a suit coat with cargo shorts and blue, knee-high socks? He looked like he wanted to appear at a cocktail party for a Scottish Clan discussing Cub Scouts gone horribly wrong before going on a Safari with Marlin Perkins. Worst outfit in the show's history. Is this guy a player? Why?

Wingman Intercession


Fleiss finally sends the Palooka Stagehand down to the lounge to bring Harrison up kicking and screaming to have a sit-down with Emily. They actually have a good talk and Emily continues to sound sincere and SMART. She pegs Dug as a fake and Ryan as a player. She also confirms she likes Jef and Arie and Harrison plugs away while Emily sounds both cautious and bright. Kudos again, Emily.

Dump 'Em Dannette!


Safe: John Wolf, Dug the Insincere, One-F-Jef.


Roses:

1) Sean the Genetic Marvel--Horny Wendy approves
2) Arie the Racer--another player.
3) Frohawk Travis--Who? Didn't recognize him without his dumb egg
4) Bobble Head Chris--like a shot deer, he'll run but not till the end.
5) Overrated Ryan--What was that for? Oh, yeah; Fleiss, you suck.
6) Kay-Lynn--Mercifully silent this week.

Harrison staggers in, counts one, and staggers out.

7) Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer--winner of the numbers game and another free trip next week.

Dumped: 
Greasy-Haired Michael. Says six times more words in 30 seconds than he has in four weeks. Also cries without a balcony. Buzz! Pussy.
Charlie Knieval: Producers try to make him look like he's crying too, but since he's had a bad head injury, I'll superimpose a balcony beside him and tell Fleiss to kiss my ass.

Previews: Kay-Lynn speaks again and Dug Rats him out for calling like Ricki "baggage" and we get to hear Emily drop the F-Bomb! All in Merry Olde London. See ya then.