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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Sean Week 2--Finding The Villain




Greetings folks! Welcome back for week 2 of Sean Lowe's shirtless adventure. Tonight was actually fairly enjoyable as Sean moved around getting to know the women while executive producer Fleiss spent his time trying to flim-flam the audience with a smokescreen or two, before concentrating on finding this season's villain. You know what I mean; the same scenario as every season? There is nothing more common on this franchise than the girl "everyone hates." It didn't take long to spot her either. As for the rest? No matter how hard the producers tried to focus on the tasteless, the bizarre, or the downright insulting, Sean Lowe just kept coming across as an everyman with taste, manners, and perhaps even a sense of honor. Good for him. Fleiss must be pissed.

The Wingman Starts it Up

Chris Harrison came stumbling into the mansion wearing his casual clothes and cued the women up for the week. Making like the cawing macaw he is, the wingman had barely cleared his throat before the women were reminded (again) just how sincere Sean is. "Caaww! He's sincere! Caaww!" Sell it till it bleeds, wingman. Anyway, once Harrison has given America a quick reminder that when "compared to every other Bachelor I told you was the most sincere, that this guy is REALLY THE MOST SINCERE!" it's off to work we go. He drops the first date card and smirks in parting, "I'm really felling this. I think when this over, Sean is going to get down on his knee and propose to one of you." You mean like every one of the last 6 Bachelors except Brad? Not exactly the Amazing Kreskin of predictions, is he? Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain, grabs the card, ignores Harrison like the garden gnome he is, and calls out Circle-Swimmer Sarah for the first 1-on-1. "Sarah, are you ready to fall off a building today? Sean"

Sean Gets Sarah; Sarah Gets Stumped


Wow. Just wow. This was the worst fuckin' thing these soulless producers have ever done. I'm used to this show being exploitive in nature: if you're divorced, that's the sum total of what you are; if you have kids, your life is nothing but your children. But this stunk to high heaven. They brought a pretty, intelligent gal with a handicap onto the show for the stated purpose of showing that her handicap doesn't matter, then spent an entire 1-on-1 date focusing on nothing but her handicap. Plenty more on that as we go. But first, Sean flies in on the season's first helicopter to pick Sarah up for an adrenaline date. The fact that a helicopter was used amazes show veteran Kacie B., who is either working on her lying skills or as dense as a bar of titanium. No matter, Sean emerges from the chopper and collects Sarah. They soar off to their destination and Fleiss begins focusing on Sarah's missing wing. The editing is shaved so that Sarah is barely capable of speaking when not referencing her missing arm, which is how she normally talks, I'm sure. As her edited words are cobbled together into a handicap concentrate, Fleiss's camera cretins zoom in on her stump no matter where the two of them are or what they do. Every time Sean gets near her, the camera dives on her stump. I'm scowling a mile wide before they can even land on the roof of some building. Sean ignores the arm like he promised he would and takes her over to the buildings roof and they look over the edge so she can whine. They strap into some harnesses while Sarah keeps whining, "Oh, my gosh!" while the camera pulls back to zoom in on her stump some more. They strap on some helmet cams and a cable crew free drops them over the side where they rocket toward the ground. I'll say this, most dumb building stunts they show are ridiculous; this one looked damned scary. Sean is obviously no nancy boy. Can you imagine Jake Pavelka doing this? He'd piss his pants just looking over the edge.  Anyway, once safely on the ground, Sean takes her aside for a champagne toast and Sarah is allowed to show why she was picked for this date by relating a tale of being kicked off a zipline because she only had one arm. I was sad to hear that and genuinely pleased she got to free fall on the show, but the relentless focus on her handicap was just disgusting. Sarah, I'd like to apologize on behalf of everyone in BachelorNation. I'm sure there's a lot more to you than just your handicap. Let's take your voice, shall we? You are whiny as hell. Your voice drives me nuts. If I had been Sean and you kept on whining "Oh, my gosh!" in that nasal moan of yours one more time, I would have jumped off the building without a harness. See? I treated her like a normal contestant without mentioning her handicap. Watch and learn, Fleiss. Not that this will go on too much longer regardless. Sarah and Sean had as much sexual chemistry as a stapler and a paper weight. The friend zone vibrated off these two, but there was no way she was getting dumped after that. Date over.

Villain Ahoy!


Ah, a little villainy. We made it all the way to week 2 before she emerged. Sean takes 14 women to go to a photo shoot to be on a Harlequin book cover. Sean is seen moping around the front of some LA mansion that doubles for an antebellum castle as the women pull up in limos. Selma Vavoom immediately starts comparing him to Prince Charming. I felt lucky that we were spared a crossover moment. Since Disney owns ABC, the Bachelor, and Once Upon a Time, I was waiting for some cross promotion stunt, but was saved by Fleiss' stingy budget. Come to think of it, Disney owns Star Wars too; would't you just love to see Harrison wandering around dressed like Yoda? Keeping with the theme, they could dress this season's villain--Tierra Dramatica-- like a midget Darth Vader. They might as well. We know what she's there for, don't we? Shocking, we have girl there who's "not here to make friends," and is unhappy that other women get to date her "boyfriend". Does Fleiss think he has nothing but new viewers every season? We've seen this particular trick, Houdini, and it's about as stale as last years Cheetos. Regardless, Sean let's them know the score and the women all start dolling up for their photo shoot and Sean's shirt vanishes. Condoleezza Rice pops up on screen and starts ripping into DramaLand for being such an irritant. Various shots of Tierra are inserted to show what a two-faced bitch she is. I certainly hope Sean is smarter than this, but after Ben's nosedive into Courtney I think the days of us immediately dismissing the season's biggest bitch are over. Anyway, some women dress like vampires, while some get the cowgirl look and a few get the high maintenance model look. No matter, just to make sure no feminists watch this show, all the women look like ho's, and they all take turns bumping uglies with Sean. Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain is positively over the moon about the photo shoot; considering she's a Ford Model and has been telling anyone who would listen that story, it's not surprising either. Kristy does her best to get in on the villain action, but this kid is outta' her league. Maybe they could dress her as Darth Maul or something; sorta like a second class villain maybe. Regardless, the photo shoot director says the 'winner' of the photo shoot gets to pose for a bunch of Harlequin book covers. Kristy squeals and jumps around in joy. Once they dress up, she practically gives Sean a standing handjob just to make sure she wins. And she does. The model won the modeling contest. Wow. In other shocking news, a professional baseball player won a baseball playing contest. So what. Anyway, Sean leads the women away from the shoot and out onto a freezing pool deck for an overcrowded pool party. Sean makes his rounds seeing the women; two stood out: first of all, Lesley the Political Operative gets a moment alone with him but freezes solid when a kiss seems imminent. Sensing her body language, which was screaming 'get away!', Sean pulls back. Later, fortified by a gallon of wine, she corners him and presses ahead like a bull in a china shop. Sean looks like he wants to flee, but leans in to give her an uncomfortable peck. Me thinks Seanie wants to be the aggressor in these matters. The other date that made waves was with Kacie B. It made waves on my geiger counter that measures friend vibes. Yikes. Sean gave her the rose but these two looked like guilty cousins who are being asked to play spin the bottle. Not feeling it. Anyway, some girl named Katie said she was out of her element and high tailed it outta there with her dignity intact, while some girl named Catherine got to utter the line of the night by telling Sean that despite the fact that she's a vegan, she wants a hot beef injection or something. Tierra Dramatica gets a few minutes and a few private interviews to act two-faced, bitchy, and possessive. Kristy, watch and learn. Date over.

The Player Ain't Punk'd!

This is the price we have to pay to see a date with a girl Sean seems genuinely interested in, I guess. Look, I'll keep this short: Sean and the Wingman try and play a prank on Desiree the Derrière involving an art gallery and a "priceless" piece of art. How did it go? You know that can of coke you opened and left on the counter overnight? Yeah, about that flat. This prank failed for many reasons: 1) Desiree's head is not made of cement. 2) The set up was terrible. 3) the "Priceless art" looked like the remains of a piñata swept up after a child's birthday party. Ok, I might as well recap; this will be quick: Sean takes Desiree and her lovely derrière to an "art studio" that looked about as real as a set from Saturday Night Live. Harrison and the producers filled the "studio" with a bunch of actors from the local dinner theater. Sean was called away in the middle of a one-on-one date for the first time in show history so he and the Wingman could watch Desiree sit in the empty studio when suddenly--Boom!-- the priceless art piece suddenly leapt off the plinth it was on and hit the floor--"splat!". Desiree smirked, blushed slightly, and immediately started looking around for the hidden cameras. A "photographer" and some stringy-haired "artist" come in and try and convince her that the cheesy-looking piece of crap will cost her a million and a half dollars. The only reason Dez didn't crack up in their faces is that she obviously feared they were insane and she KNEW she was on camera. Yeah, about that flat. Sean finally comes in and admits it was a prank. Since she was on camera, Dez didn't slap his face and storm out like she would have in normal life. Dumb stunt over, they limo up and head back to Sean's rented digs and slip into our first hot tub of the season. Dez and her wonderful derriere don a bikini and she and Sean stage a make out session that looked so different from the one he had with Sarah that even the blind could spot the difference. Desiree wraps her legs around Sean and shows him what temptation is supposed to feel like. Sean, good Christian that he is, was doubtlessly reciting psalms as she squeezed her legs around his waist and he got to experience a battle of wills with the Great White Boner of Death. Yes, I know; Sean is a fine Christian guy, but there is only one type of man who wouldn't have been fighting sexual temptation at the moment--a dead one. Rose? Sean pretty much told the camera that it was a mere formality. And it was. As Dez gripped him with her legs and sucked his face, I scribbled in my notes, "fantasy suite".  Sean, say your prayers. Date over.


Odd Party Time


What happened here? Not much. Some girl named Amanda, who we've scarcely seen, was edited to look like a mute, comatose bag lady with clown make-up lipstick and electro-shock hair. Ok, even without the edit she looked like a weirdo. Regardless, Catherine--a girl we've seen speaking with Sean a grand total of once, joined Lesley the Political Operative to opine that Amanda is a physicist's dream with all her dark energy. Huh? Nevermind. Condoleezza Rice corners Sean and asks him some direct questions about race. Good for her. Robin didn't hide from the tough questions, and Sean, to his credit, welcomed the query and knocked it out of the park. He has dated black girls and had nothing to hide. Robin nods and says "his answers are so perfect." They are, and he doesn't appear to be lying either. Amazing. Selma Vavoom decides to take a shot at the cultural diversity train and challenge Sean with some Arabic. He jokes he only speaks Farsi. Heh. She teaches him to to say, "I'm only here for the exposure" or something. Finally we get to see Lindsay the Drunk Bride, and this time she is both sober and dressed normally. Well, hello, Lindsay. You're nothing like that psycho drunk from last week who called herself Lindsay. Nice to meet ya'.
Unable to stand anymore excitement, Harrison enters with cheese knife and champagne glass tinging away.


Dump 'Em, St. Paul

The Wingman lines them up and pimps Sean's sincerity a little more, "I know no one here wants to go home tonight...except for two or three of you, but the bus tickets are waiting! Sean, may the Force be with you."

Roses:

Safe already:  Cousin Kacie B., Desiree the Derrière, Circle Swimmer Sarah.

1) AshLee F.--no date this week, but she gets the first flower.

2) Lindsay the Bridal Drunk--no date this week either, but she must be on his radar.

3) Robin Condoleezza Rice--Direct questions get a red flower.

4) Jackie--very pretty but staying totally invisible.

5) Lesley the Political Operator--Somebody phone CNN; the audition is going well.

6) Selma Vavoom--exposure continues. Is there an Arabic word for "famewhore"?

7) Catherine the Vegan Beefeater--way back in the klieg lights. One more week of invisibility and she becomes Catherine Who?

8) Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain--Kid, you coulda' been a model, but with those 10 and 2 eyes, I don't know...

9) Leslie the Invisible Black Girl--ok.

10) Tierra Dramatica-- They should at least give the villain a black rose.

11) Taryn--Who?

12) Daniella--memorable only as the designated private interview lush.

Enter Yoda Wingman: "Ladies, Sean, only a single flower do I count. Do or do not; there is no try."

13) Amanda the Oddball--ok, whatever.

Dumped: Brooke the sultry black girl--departs with dignity intact; Diana the old hairdresser--departs for the old folks' home.

Ok, next week: Tierra Dramatica stumbles down the stairs and is fitted with a black robot suit and breathing helmet.
See ya then!


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Loved it. Keep them coming please! Sean seems really nice but a little too perfect, unless we find some flaw we can reasonably think he is the Stepford Bachelor.

Anonymous said...

This made me chortle out loud.... too funny, and BANG ON! As for Sean -- I don't like them blonde and perfect so all the house girls can have him. Take him, please!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!! Love your nicknames for the gals. Circle Swimmer Sarah cracks me up as I picture it. (I'm not laughing at her lack of arm. Just your nickname.) I also laughed at the picture of Lindsay and Sean you posted and her "re-introducing" herself.
Great writing! Can't wait for next week's blog.

Anonymous said...

The screen shots and captions are back and I love it! You are so good at this! (I feel sorry for anyone in your social circle who gets on your nerves.)

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