tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87028129912885059272024-03-16T00:08:42.244-07:00Barbarossa's BlastCaptain BarbarossaCaptain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.comBlogger132125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-85353969075876392892013-01-23T18:37:00.000-08:002013-01-23T19:06:38.104-08:00Sean, Week 3--Is Stair Diving a Sport Now?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Greetings gang, and welcome to another week of Sean Lowe love on the Bachelor. This week, Sean and the girls remain stuck in LA. Thanks Fleiss. Nice budget you got going on there this season. Dates on Hollywood Boulevard; dates at the local beach; and one crummy date at<i> Six Flags Over Shirtless</i>; bargain basement Bachelor has returned. Despite the fact that the cretin who produces this pap is so tight he squeaks when he walks, good man Sean continues to impress with his cool aplomb, finely honed listening skills, and classy demeanor. I'm certain he is also impressing the female and gay male audience with his serial nudity. For a guy who is as Christian as St. Thomas Aquinas, he's naked more than a porn star. Just another case of the schizo nature of the this show I guess. Well, this week the proceedings begin with Sean jogging naked on a treadmill telling us that he already has feelings for a pile of women. Meanwhile the <b>Wingman</b> has crashed the mansion in his seasons uniform of a blue Oxford and quickly rounded the women up for one of his motivational pow wows: <i>"Not everyone will get a date this week; my advice to you is whenever you get one spare second with Sean, tear any remaining clothing he has on off. If that doesn't work, try hurling yourself down the staircase for additional sympathy. What's a broken neck when compared to not getting a rose?"</i> Harrison then smirks, drops the date card and departs. <b>Selma Vavoom</b> saunters over and reads the date card while <b>Robin Condoleezza Rice</b> decides it time to talk like a black stereotype: "I hope that card says, Robin, let's ditch these bitches and fall in love fo' real, Sean." I hate to say this but....(spoiler) it doesn't. The Vavoomer reads, "Lesley", and drags out the last initial long enough for the other remaining black girl to eat some crow, "M! How long will this love last? Sean." My guess would be until he finds out you're a godless Democratic political operative who wants to take away his guns and make him eat high-carb quiche, but that's just a guess on my part.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Worlds Longest, Forced, Embarrassing Kiss</span></b><br />
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Before Sean can check her political affiliation,<b> Lesley the Political Operator</b> vamps it up, packs her shit in case the rose is not forthcoming, and acts happier than James Carville at a George W. Bush roast. A quick cutaway and we see they're already in the limo and Sean is dressed down while poor Lesley is way overdressed. Sean makes her play guessing games and it's pretty clear that Lesley is hoping for a plane ride somewhere. No dice. Sean hauls her to the <i>Guinness World Record Museum </i>where<i> </i>Lesley demonstrates that she understands her profession by waxing politic about being hauled to a crappy museum in a rundown section of LA. Despite the crushing disappointment, she smiles through the pain and allows Sean to walk her around the museum and manages not to look on the verge of death with boredom. She goes on about how "normal, natural" it all feels. Translation: <i>This date sucks! But I guess it's better than being stuck in the mansion with a horde of catty, drunk bitches!</i> Finally we see why Sean is happy to be there--his daddy set a world record for t<i>he shortest amount of time to travel the contiguous 48 states by car.</i> Well, excuse me. I didn't know Sean was from such a high falutin, overachieving bunch. Frankly, I would rather have admitted my old man held the world record for <i>World's Longest Continuos Beer Fart.</i> If Sean ever needs his nerd credentials, he can skip the <i>Star Trek</i> convention; this should do it. Amped up at getting himself (and Lesley) into the record books, Sean tells her to follow him outside where a crowd--and the Wingman--await. Turns out Lesley should have asked to borrow Sean's rape whistle he threatened to use two weeks ago on the 50 Shades skank. Seems Harrison and his greasy producer-buddies have decided to put on a public smooching display that the Ancient Romans would have found lacking modesty. Sean and Lesley are supposed to break the record for longest on-screen kiss. Lesley blushes like a strawberry, but it seems that the producers have checked: contractual rape is still legal in the old US of A, so put down that rape whistle, Lesley, it's time to get smacking. With both Sean and Lesley ready to die with embarrassment, the Wingman and the crowd count them down to 3:15 like the ball is about to drop on New Year's Eve. They picked now for everyone to be sober? Whatever. They break the record and Sean joins his dad in the Guinness World Records book. He shouldn't have bothered; he's already there. He's already topped David Hasselhoff for most shirtless scenes on a stupid TV show.<br />
Regardless, now with the stupid crap over with, Sean takes her to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel for a drink. They compare notes and things go very well...again. Lesley gets to extoll the virtues of her family and she, like <b>Desiree the Derriere</b>, has parents that are still married and madly in love. Sean once again looks besotted. Rose? Another formality. Date over.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Olympics it Wasn't</b></span><br />
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How bad was the volleyball match? Let me put it this way, they should have included <b>Circle-Swimmer Sarah</b>; she would have been the star of the match. Sean now takes 12 girls all of five miles from the mansion for a beach date at Zuma. Several highly aggressive bimbos--namely <b>Amanda the Odd</b> and <b>Kristy the Dude--</b>predict they will all but kill anyone in a competitive contest. But before they can trample anyone, Sean tries to soft sell the whole thing: "We'll just have the day to do what we want--play frisbee, whatever." Who else is not buying this? <b>Camouflage Catherine</b>, for one: "We know somethings going on." Well at least we have one contestant who has watched this show before. Despite stripping down to bikinis and baggies, the relaxation is short lived. Popping up from out of the sand, the Wingman suddenly appears like a pervert genie with a pink shirt and announces there will be a spastic volleyball game between two teams of six--winners get "special quality time" with Sean; losers get "special quality time" back at the mansion with mimosas and hang out around the pool like they are on an expensive vacation. I love it when there are no losers. But you'd never tell from the quality of athleticism on display. I know, I know; most of these girls are models or wanna be's. I wasn't expecting olympic quality athleticism, but this was pathetic. It was so universally bad it's simply impossible to pick a <i>least valuable player</i>. Desiree the Derrière probably looked the best; all the others looked the worst. The two teams were <b><span style="color: red;">Red</span></b>: <b>Taryn the Dress Fille</b>r, <b>Kristy the Dude</b>, <b>Daniella the Drunk</b>, <b>Lesley the Poker Dealer</b>, <b>Camouflage Catherine, </b>and <b>Tierra Dramatica</b>; and <span style="color: blue;"><b>Blue</b></span>: <b>Cousin Kacie</b>, <b>Lindsay the Bridal Drunk,</b> <b>Jackie the Invisible</b>, <b>Robin Condoleezza Rice</b>, <b>Desiree</b>, and <b>Amanda</b>. Anyway, the game goes on and they flail, miss, hit under the net, and just look completely spastic in general. Somehow all these flailing whiffers manage to play to a bunch of tie scores and I guess Sean was supposed to help...somehow. Harrison meanwhile spent his time ogling the women while they dove and missed one after another. Finally Desiree gets one over the net and Tierra--who will look more athletic later when falling down the stairs-- proceeds to hit it backwards. Nice shot, DramaLand. Anyway, Blue wins so Kristy the Dude starts crying to hide her huge adams apple and prominent bikini bottom bulge. Seeing no point in not helping out, Lesley the Poker Dealer sheds some empathy tears just for kicks. I would comment on the reactions of Camouflage Catherine and Invisible Jackie, but as usual, they had vanished from camera view.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Cousin Kacie Has a Cunning Plan</span></b><br />
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I just have no idea what it was. I actually went back and watched this over again and I still don't know what she was trying to do. I think the bottom line was: Desiree and Amanda exchanged two mildly unfriendly words with each other so Kacie decides to take action. More on that in a minute. First though, Sean takes the ladies back to "his" place. Hey, no sense in spending any money by renting a restaurant or booking a hotel roof--just pack them off to the rental. Fleiss, your miserliness is becoming legendary. Once Sean gets them home, <b>Lindsay the Bridal Drunk</b> gets a moment alone with him and puts on the hard sell. <i>"Sean, you are wonderful; you are exactly what I've always dreamed of. You, sir, are a fucking god!"</i> or something equally desperate-sounding. Once he sucks her face off, he hauls <b>Desiree</b> and her lovely derrière aside so she can keep on looking like a mix between <b>Katie Holmes</b> and <b>Phoebe Cates</b>. She insists she is "spiritual, emotional, etc," and tries to sell herself as a super optimist...with a great derriere. Sean appears to notice. We get a quick segue back to the mansion where <b>Tierra Dramatica</b> gets to add 'comedian' to her bitch resume by trying to bait <b>Selma</b> and <b>AshLee</b> into thinking that the date card she is reading is for a dreaded 2-on-1. Har had. Anyway AshLee hears <i>"AshLee, did your adoptive daddy really spell your name this stupidly?" </i>or something like that. Anyway, AshLee gets the one-on-one and Tierra keeps on arranging for her crucifixion on the Women Tell All.<br />
Meanwhile, back at Sean's rental digs, various women predict it's rose time. Amanda gets a few moments of Sean's time and she tries to brag and starts out by saying, "If we get married..." whoa there, little lady. Getting a little forward, aren't we? Amanda, who has been edited to look like a kook, seems intent on bringing the edit to life. Once Sean manages to get rid of her, she runs back and brags in front of the jealous Desiree, so <b>Cousin Kacie</b> unleashes her fiendish plan. But first, she gets hammered. And I do mean DRUNK! Her face swollen like she got five bee stings at the beach, Kacie starts to take on the countenance and mental acuity of a 35 year-old barfly. She hauls Sean aside and...I still don't know. All I'm sure of is she tries to stir some shit over the non-existent fight between Amanda and Desiree, and Sean looks at her like she is a drunken loon. ""Why are you getting involved in this?" and "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person." Ah, the old boomerang plan--throw it and then stand there wobbling drunkenly while it comes back and takes your head off. She's a show veteran? Terrible. The tattletale always dies a horrible death. And just to grind some salt into her wound (as well as Desiree's and Amanda's) Sean gives the rose, and a desperation gold medal, to Lindsay for kissing his ass the most thoroughly. Date over.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Six Flags Over 4's a Crowd</span></b><br />
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Man did <b>AshLee the Misspelled</b> love this. That poor woman just got the most gypped 1-on-1 date I may have ever seen. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing the little gals get their "date". AshLee though? Uh, not so much. First she gets rooked when <b>Tierra Dramatica</b> hears the producers announce that Sean is coming up the walkway and <strike>launches herself</strike> "falls" down the stairs. Right. She tumbled down a marble staircase and got zero injuries. Uh-huh. Just a little headache that is instantly cured by Sean paying attention to her. Dude, you may be the Magic Christian, but you are sooooo thinking with your dick. This gal is what we used to call "third date crazy." It takes until the third date until you realize she's a psycho. Anyway, Fleiss calls in paramedics to try and strap the "injured' Tierra to a stretcher and after acting all concussed for who knows how long, she refuses all medical care and pops up like the faker she is. Sean takes her out back and they coo and cuddle while the completely overdressed AshLee starts to fume. Finally Sean leaves Tierra's side and takes AshLee for a ride in an open-topped Jeep. Ah, the fun begins. Not even the four pounds of hairspray she has on can save AshLee's hair and it blows all over hell. Sean, dressed like a beach bum, and AshLee, dressed like she's expecting a trip to a cotillion, end up at Six Flags Magic Mountain. AshLee then gets another lovely surprise to find out that two young gals who suffer from a mitochondrial disease will get to meet each other for the first time care of the Starlight foundation and Mike Fleiss. AshLee tries to smile through her grimace. Sean grins happily and the two little gals show up and crash their date. AshLee plays good sport but this had to suck! I know, I know; it was cool. But as a date? I don't blame AshLee for looking a little grim. Regardless, the two girls who have a congenital disease don't mope, they don't bitch, they don't cry and fake toss themselves down the stairs--they just go and have a damn good time. Sean and AshLee are mere afterthoughts, and good for the little girls. Considering what a shit sandwich life has served both of them, the contrast to how women usually act on this show was illuminating. I was hoping Sean would give them the rose. Anyway, once the girls make scarce, Sean and AshLee get a few moments alone and she has a major hardship story of her own to sell. Turns out she spent her youth in foster homes and was adopted at six. Her tale is sincere and tough and Sean is clearly affected. He bawls when hearing how her dad charmed her when they met and is spared the pussy buzzer because it was a real moment. Then the Eli Young band comes out and moans and groans some country music, and they dance. She has a great story, but are these two a big thing? I didn't see it, but the rose is a guarantee. Date over.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Cocktail Time</span></b><br />
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Sean comes into the party and promptly snatches the dateless <b>Circle-Swimmer Sarah</b> outside to meet her dog, which arrives in a limo. Well that explains the non-existent budget. Fleiss spent all of the money flying a dog around the country and renting it limos. How funny is this? In a mere few moments, Sean will dump <b>Cousin Kacie</b> and she gets hauled away in a cargo van. Sorry Kacie; Leo the dog has the limo. After that? Not much. The women go crazy stealing Sean away from one another, but unfortunately, Circle Swimmer Sarah doesn't take part and robs me of the chance to call her a "one-armed bandit!" Damn you, Sarah. Anyway, nothing happens. The invisible girls remain invisible and the visible ones hog the air time and commit Sean theft. Sparing a few moments from curating his pic collection from the beach, Harrison enters tinging cheese knife and wine glass.<br />
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<b>Safe: AshLee the Misspelled; Lindsay the Bridal Drunk; Lesley the Political Operator.</b><br />
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Harrison lines them up and Sean comes in only to stall. He hauls Cousin Kacie, who has chosen to appear at the party dressed in a Day-Glo wetsuit cut like a miniskirt (WTF?) to dump her privately. Sean keeps it short and basically tells her to get lost. Kacie is out loaded into a cargo van and is driven away, her boomerang strategy performed to perfection. On the highway, Leo the dog, his limo loaded with bitches in heat, stops lapping at his bowl of champagne and shoots her a bird with his middle paw.<br />
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Sean returns and gets down to it.<br />
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1) <b>Tierra Dramatica</b>--hahahahaha.<br />
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2) <b>Lesley the Poker Dealer</b>--For the first time, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a black dress filler.<br />
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3) <b>Camouflage Catherine</b>--becomes visible long enough to collect the flower then fades back into obscurity.<br />
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4) <b>Daniella the Drunk</b>--Stagger on up there and get your flower, killer.<br />
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5) <b>Robin Condi Rice</b>--didn't bother with any street sister shit talk; we still remember you're black. You can relax.<br />
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6) <b>Selma Vavoom</b>--previews hint at additional national television exposure next week.<br />
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7) <b>Circle-Swimmer Sarah</b>--Her dog is living the high life.<br />
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8) <b>Invisible Jackie</b>--Ditto Catherine<br />
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9) <b>Amanda the Odd</b>--Ok.<br />
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10) <b>Desiree the Derriere</b>--considering she was shown clearly holding a rose when Selma returned with hers, I think we can conclude that she wasn't last.<br />
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Dumped: <b>Taryn the Dress Filer</b>--bawls.<br />
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<b>Kristy the Dude</b>--whips it out and takes a leak in the rose bushes before bawling about what a trainwreck her life is.<br />
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Next week: LA, on the cheap; what else? See ya then!<br />
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Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com56tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-53200874946705782582013-01-17T18:23:00.000-08:002013-01-17T18:23:17.531-08:00Sean Week 2--Finding The Villain<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Greetings folks! Welcome back for week 2 of Sean Lowe's shirtless adventure. Tonight was actually fairly enjoyable as Sean moved around getting to know the women while executive producer Fleiss spent his time trying to flim-flam the audience with a smokescreen or two, before concentrating on finding this season's villain. You know what I mean; the same scenario as every season? There is nothing more common on this franchise than the girl "everyone hates." It didn't take long to spot her either. As for the rest? No matter how hard the producers tried to focus on the tasteless, the bizarre, or the downright insulting, Sean Lowe just kept coming across as an everyman with taste, manners, and perhaps even a sense of honor. Good for him. Fleiss must be pissed.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Wingman Starts it Up</span></b><br />
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<b>Chris Harrison</b> came stumbling into the mansion wearing his casual clothes and cued the women up for the week. Making like the cawing macaw he is, the wingman had barely cleared his throat before the women were reminded (again) just how sincere Sean is. "<i>Caaww! He's sincere! Caaww!"</i> Sell it till it bleeds, wingman. Anyway, once Harrison has given America a quick reminder that when <i>"compared to every other Bachelor I told you was the most sincere, that this guy is REALLY THE MOST SINCERE!"</i> it's off to work we go. He drops the first date card and smirks in parting, "I'm really felling this. I think when this over, Sean is going to get down on his knee and propose to one of you." You mean like every one of the last 6 Bachelors except Brad? Not exactly the <i>Amazing Kreskin</i> of predictions, is he? <b>Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain</b>, grabs the card, ignores Harrison like the garden gnome he is, and calls out <b>Circle-Swimmer Sarah</b> for the first 1-on-1. <i>"Sarah, are you ready to fall off a building today? Sean"</i><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Sean Gets Sarah; Sarah Gets Stumped</b></span><br />
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Wow. Just wow. This was the worst fuckin' thing these soulless producers have ever done. I'm used to this show being exploitive in nature: if you're divorced, that's the sum total of what you are; if you have kids, your life is nothing but your children. But this stunk to high heaven. They brought a pretty, intelligent gal with a handicap onto the show for the stated purpose of showing that <i>her handicap doesn't matter</i>, then spent an entire 1-on-1 date focusing on <i>nothing</i> but her handicap. Plenty more on that as we go. But first, Sean flies in on the season's first helicopter to pick Sarah up for an adrenaline date. The fact that a helicopter was used amazes show veteran <b>Kacie B</b>., who is either working on her lying skills or as dense as a bar of titanium. No matter, Sean emerges from the chopper and collects Sarah. They soar off to their destination and Fleiss begins focusing on Sarah's missing wing. The editing is shaved so that Sarah is barely capable of speaking when not referencing her missing arm, which is how she normally talks, I'm sure. As her edited words are cobbled together into a handicap concentrate, Fleiss's camera cretins zoom in on her stump no matter where the two of them are or what they do. Every time Sean gets near her, the camera dives on her stump. I'm scowling a mile wide before they can even land on the roof of some building. Sean ignores the arm like he promised he would and takes her over to the buildings roof and they look over the edge so she can whine. They strap into some harnesses while Sarah keeps whining, "Oh, my gosh!" while the camera pulls back to zoom in on her stump some more. They strap on some helmet cams and a cable crew free drops them over the side where they rocket toward the ground. I'll say this, most dumb building stunts they show are ridiculous; this one looked damned scary. Sean is obviously no nancy boy. Can you imagine Jake Pavelka doing this? He'd piss his pants just looking over the edge. Anyway, once safely on the ground, Sean takes her aside for a champagne toast and Sarah is allowed to show why she was picked for this date by relating a tale of being kicked off a zipline because she only had one arm. I was sad to hear that and genuinely pleased she got to free fall on the show, but the relentless focus on her handicap was just disgusting. Sarah, I'd like to apologize on behalf of everyone in BachelorNation. I'm sure there's a lot more to you than just your handicap. Let's take your voice, shall we? You are whiny as hell. Your voice drives me nuts. If I had been Sean and you kept on whining "Oh, my gosh!" in that nasal moan of yours one more time, I would have jumped off the building without a harness. See? I treated her like a normal contestant without mentioning her handicap. Watch and learn, Fleiss. Not that this will go on too much longer regardless. Sarah and Sean had as much sexual chemistry as a stapler and a paper weight. The friend zone vibrated off these two, but there was no way she was getting dumped after that. Date over.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Villain Ahoy!</span></b><br />
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Ah, a little villainy. We made it all the way to week 2 before she emerged. Sean takes 14 women to go to a photo shoot to be on a Harlequin book cover. Sean is seen moping around the front of some LA mansion that doubles for an antebellum castle as the women pull up in limos. <b>Selma Vavoom</b> immediately starts comparing him to Prince Charming. I felt lucky that we were spared a crossover moment. Since Disney owns ABC, the Bachelor, and Once Upon a Time, I was waiting for some cross promotion stunt, but was saved by Fleiss' stingy budget. Come to think of it, Disney owns Star Wars too; would't you just love to see Harrison wandering around dressed like Yoda? Keeping with the theme, they could dress this season's villain--<b>Tierra Dramatica</b>-- like a midget Darth Vader. They might as well. We know what she's there for, don't we? Shocking, we have girl there who's "not here to make friends," and is unhappy that other women get to date her "boyfriend". Does Fleiss think he has nothing but new viewers every season? We've seen this particular trick, Houdini, and it's about as stale as last years Cheetos. Regardless, Sean let's them know the score and the women all start dolling up for their photo shoot and Sean's shirt vanishes. <b>Condoleezza Rice</b> pops up on screen and starts ripping into DramaLand for being such an irritant. Various shots of Tierra are inserted to show what a two-faced bitch she is. I certainly hope Sean is smarter than this, but after Ben's nosedive into Courtney I think the days of us immediately dismissing the season's biggest bitch are over. Anyway, some women dress like vampires, while some get the cowgirl look and a few get the high maintenance model look. No matter, just to make sure no feminists watch this show, all the women look like ho's, and they all take turns bumping uglies with Sean. <b>Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain</b> is positively over the moon about the photo shoot; considering she's a Ford Model and has been telling anyone who would listen that story, it's not surprising either. Kristy does her best to get in on the villain action, but this kid is outta' her league. Maybe they could dress her as Darth Maul or something; sorta like a second class villain maybe. Regardless, the photo shoot director says the 'winner' of the photo shoot gets to pose for a bunch of Harlequin book covers. Kristy squeals and jumps around in joy. Once they dress up, she practically gives Sean a standing handjob just to make sure she wins. And she does. The model won the modeling contest. Wow. In other shocking news, a professional baseball player won a baseball playing contest. So what. Anyway, Sean leads the women away from the shoot and out onto a freezing pool deck for an overcrowded pool party. Sean makes his rounds seeing the women; two stood out: first of all, <b>Lesley the Political Operative</b> gets a moment alone with him but freezes solid when a kiss seems imminent. Sensing her body language, which was screaming 'get away!', Sean pulls back. Later, fortified by a gallon of wine, she corners him and presses ahead like a bull in a china shop. Sean looks like he wants to flee, but leans in to give her an uncomfortable peck. Me thinks Seanie wants to be the aggressor in these matters. The other date that made waves was with <b>Kacie B</b>. It made waves on my geiger counter that measures friend vibes. Yikes. Sean gave her the rose but these two looked like guilty cousins who are being asked to play spin the bottle. Not feeling it. Anyway, some girl named Katie said she was out of her element and high tailed it outta there with her dignity intact, while some girl named Catherine got to utter the line of the night by telling Sean that despite the fact that she's a vegan, she wants a hot beef injection or something. Tierra Dramatica gets a few minutes and a few private interviews to act two-faced, bitchy, and possessive. Kristy, watch and learn. Date over.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Player Ain't Punk'd!</span></b><br />
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This is the price we have to pay to see a date with a girl Sean seems genuinely interested in, I guess. Look, I'll keep this short: Sean and the Wingman try and play a prank on <b>Desiree the Derrière</b> involving an art gallery and a "priceless" piece of art. How did it go? You know that can of coke you opened and left on the counter overnight? Yeah, about that flat. This prank failed for many reasons: 1) Desiree's head is not made of cement. 2) The set up was terrible. 3) the "Priceless art" looked like the remains of a piñata swept up after a child's birthday party. Ok, I might as well recap; this will be quick: Sean takes Desiree and her lovely derrière to an "art studio" that looked about as real as a set from Saturday Night Live. Harrison and the producers filled the "studio" with a bunch of actors from the local dinner theater. Sean was called away in the middle of a one-on-one date for the first time in show history so he and the Wingman could watch Desiree sit in the empty studio when suddenly--Boom!-- the priceless art piece suddenly leapt off the plinth it was on and hit the floor--"splat!". Desiree smirked, blushed slightly, and immediately started looking around for the hidden cameras. A "photographer" and some stringy-haired "artist" come in and try and convince her that the cheesy-looking piece of crap will cost her a million and a half dollars. The only reason Dez didn't crack up in their faces is that she obviously feared they were insane and she KNEW she was on camera. Yeah, about that flat. Sean finally comes in and admits it was a prank. Since she was on camera, Dez didn't slap his face and storm out like she would have in normal life. Dumb stunt over, they limo up and head back to Sean's rented digs and slip into our first hot tub of the season. Dez and her wonderful derriere don a bikini and she and Sean stage a make out session that looked so different from the one he had with Sarah that even the blind could spot the difference. Desiree wraps her legs around Sean and shows him what temptation is supposed to feel like. Sean, good Christian that he is, was doubtlessly reciting psalms as she squeezed her legs around his waist and he got to experience a battle of wills with the <i>Great White Boner of Death</i>. Yes, I know; Sean is a fine Christian guy, but there is only one type of man who wouldn't have been fighting sexual temptation at the moment--a <i>dead one</i>. Rose? Sean pretty much told the camera that it was a mere formality. And it was. As Dez gripped him with her legs and sucked his face, I scribbled in my notes, "fantasy suite". Sean, say your prayers. Date over.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Odd Party Time</span></b><br />
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What happened here? Not much. Some girl named <b>Amanda</b>, who we've scarcely seen, was edited to look like a mute, comatose bag lady with clown make-up lipstick and electro-shock hair. Ok, even without the edit she looked like a weirdo. Regardless, <b>Catherine</b>--a girl we've seen speaking with Sean a grand total of once, joined <b>Lesley the Political Operative</b> to opine that Amanda is a physicist's dream with all her dark energy. Huh? Nevermind. <b>Condoleezza Rice</b> corners Sean and asks him some direct questions about race. Good for her. Robin didn't hide from the tough questions, and Sean, to his credit, welcomed the query and knocked it out of the park. He <i>has</i> dated black girls and had nothing to hide. Robin nods and says "his answers are so perfect." They are, and he doesn't appear to be lying either. Amazing. <b>Selma Vavoom</b> decides to take a shot at the cultural diversity train and challenge Sean with some Arabic. He jokes he only speaks Farsi. Heh. She teaches him to to say, <i>"I'm only here for the exposure"</i> or something. Finally we get to see <b>Lindsay the Drunk Bride</b>, and this time she is both sober and dressed normally. Well, hello, Lindsay. You're nothing like that psycho drunk from last week who called herself Lindsay. Nice to meet ya'.<br />
Unable to stand anymore excitement, Harrison enters with cheese knife and champagne glass tinging away.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Dump 'Em, St. Paul</span></b><br />
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The Wingman lines them up and pimps Sean's sincerity a little more, <i>"I know no one here wants to go home tonight...except for two or three of you, but the bus tickets are waiting! Sean, may the Force be with you."</i><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Roses:</span></b><br />
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Safe already: <b>Cousin Kacie B</b>., <b>Desiree the Derrière</b>, <b>Circle Swimmer Sarah</b>.<br />
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1) <b>AshLee F.</b>--no date this week, but she gets the first flower.<br />
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2) <b>Lindsay the Bridal Drunk</b>--no date this week either, but she must be on his radar.<br />
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3) <b>Robin Condoleezza Rice</b>--Direct questions get a red flower.<br />
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4) <b>Jackie</b>--very pretty but staying totally invisible.<br />
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5) <b>Lesley the Political Operator</b>--Somebody phone CNN; the audition is going well.<br />
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6) <b>Selma Vavoom</b>--exposure continues. Is there an Arabic word for "famewhore"?<br />
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7) <b>Catherine the Vegan Beefeater</b>--way back in the klieg lights. One more week of invisibility and she becomes Catherine Who?<br />
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8) <b>Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain</b>--Kid, you coulda' been a model, but with those 10 and 2 eyes, I don't know...<br />
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9) <b>Leslie the Invisible Black Girl</b>--ok.<br />
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10) <b>Tierra Dramatica</b>-- They should at least give the villain a black rose.<br />
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11) <b>Taryn</b>--Who?<br />
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12) <b>Daniella</b>--memorable only as the designated private interview lush.<br />
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Enter Yoda Wingman: <i>"Ladies, Sean, only a single flower do I count. Do or do not; there is no try."</i><br />
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13) <b>Amanda the Oddball</b>--ok, whatever.<br />
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<b>Dumped: Brooke the sultry black girl</b>--departs with dignity intact; <b>Diana the old hairdresser</b>--departs for the old folks' home.<br />
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Ok, next week: Tierra Dramatica stumbles down the stairs and is fitted with a black robot suit and breathing helmet.<br />
See ya then!<br />
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Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-58199181753064168222013-01-09T17:30:00.000-08:002013-01-09T17:30:53.574-08:00Sean Week 1--The Ghost of Arie Luyendyk<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Greetings and welcome back, my friends. It's time for our annual cheesefest known as the Bachelor. This season, executive producer/ human ratbag, Mike Fleiss, has reached back into the heart of Texas (again) to produce his latest broken-hearted lothario--aryan genetic marvel, <b>Sean Lowe</b>--who could make Taylor Lautner blush with pectoral envy. Sean, who was unceremoniously dumped by<b> Emily Maynard l</b>ast season, is by most tales, a nice guy, but I see he has that odd Texas malady shared by both <b>Brad Womack</b> and <b>Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka</b>: he keeps losing his shirts. Are they all in the dryer with my missing socks? Do men from Texas wear shirts? I could swear I saw George W. Bush in one every now and then. No matter. After the unmitigated disaster that was <b>Ben Flajnik</b>, Fleiss has gone back to that cheese-filled well he must have bought in Texas, and yanked Sean out and means to keep him half-naked at every turn. When in doubt, go blonde and ripped. I like Sean, but he looks like Fleiss found him on Heinrich Himmler's <i>Amazon Wish List.</i> Well if ya got it, ya might as well flaunt it, I guess. Sean might turn out to be as dull as kindergarten scissors, but the Beefcake WILL be shown! Hey, when do I get to see a Bachelorette nude from the waste up? Listen to me whine. I'm sure my mostly female readership could care less about my definition of a double standard. After all, in a minute I'm going to get to see some drunk gal demand to get tied up with a necktie and spanked until she passes out. 50 Shades of Class. Let's recap.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">One European Horndog, Comin' Up!</span></b><br />
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I settled into the Captain's Chair with some liquid refreshment expecting to hear (and see) <b>Chris Wingman Harrison </b>come out in front of the mansion and start screaming some scripted boilerplate at me about what a wonderful, sincere guy Sean is, when suddenly it's Sean doing his own intro. That was weird. The guy's doing his own spec sheet. It sounded like he was at a group meeting, <i>"Hi, I'm Sean Lowe and I'm an alcoholic!" </i>Where the hell is Harrison? Week 1 and he's already skivved off, eh? Turns out it's more than just Harrison's usual laziness at work though; once Sean is done showering, jogging, working out, cooking, mowing the grass, playing chess, and strumming a ukelele at an old folks home with his shirt off, we hear that an old "friend" is coming for a visit. That "friend" turns out to be none other than fellow Emily Maynard castoff,<b> Racecar Arie Luyendyk</b>. I watched last season and I never remember Sean and Arie standing within 20 feet of one another except at rose ceremonies. Now I'm supposed to believe that a down home Christian boy is best buds with some European skirt chaser who's nailing Ben Flajnik's ex-witch? Yeah, ok, I'll believe it. Anyway, Sean goes to answer the door at his rental digs and in stumbles Arie still wearing one of his Garanimals shirts from last season. Arie drags himself inside and proceeds to put on a horn dog clinic for the allegedly innocent Sean. Truthfully the whole thing was funny as hell. Both guys took this with the same seriousness as Arie does his relationship with Courtney Robertson. Arie mocked his own ballyhooed kissing skills by demonstrating how to properly mug a woman by using your hairy mitts on her face before you ram your tongue down her esophagus. The only bad news was a reminder to the audience about just how much charisma Arie has when compared to Sean. Arie's fans must have felt smug and self-righteous. But it just put a ghost in the back of my mind that followed me around the rest of the night: <b>WWAD--What Would Arie Do? </b>Every time some gal went nuts, Sean laid back and took it all with cool aplomb and I just couldn't help seeing the same event replayed with Arie at the wheel. WWAD? Uh-oh.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Women</span></b><br />
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Once Sean dismissed Arie so he could head to the free clinic for his monthly chlamydia test, Harrison finally pops out in front of the mansion and opens fire on me with that hyperbole cannon of his. I squint my eyes and imagine he sounds like Charlie Brown's old teacher <i>"Whannt whaant, whaant whaant whaant!"</i> He made as much sense as usual that way. Since Arie has already done the opening for him, Harrison eschews the normal Bachelor interview and cues a promo of the women. Hmmm. Less nuts in a can of Planters than this group, but we'll get to it. Promos complete, a very long limo pulls up and out steps Sean looking like he drove himself there in the standard Night 1 Bachelor Limo Driver Uniform: Black suit, white Oxford, and black tie. Harrison takes only a second to cheese him up before the limos roll up.<br />
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<u>Now, an important caveat: Sean started handed out roses so fast, the entire broadcast not only became a chase for "who has the rose?", it actualy devolved into chaos. The girls weren't really showcased much--it was all about roses. It got so chaotic, I'm not even sure which women got dumped and who stayed. I'll do my best.</u><br />
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1) <b>Ashlee F</b>.--Personal Organizer. Some OCD chick who's is just dying to reorganize Sean's man cave. Nice looking girl here and a great dress. I think this one will be around a while.<br />
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2) <b>Jackie</b>--smacks him on the cheek with a blob of lipstick so the next one will have something to wipe off. Other than that? Well, she was beautiful anyway.<br />
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3) <b>Selma-</b>-vavoom! Selma? I wonder if her last name is Hayek? Outrageous boobs! Yummy. Almost certain to get villain editing.<br />
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4) <b>Leslie H.</b> The first of several black gals Fleiss stuck into the cast. Not bad looking with a healthy helping of junk in her trunk. She looked fine until she smiled and then whoa! that was one wide mouth. Dubbed Sean Mr. McSteamy. So much for being original. Survived night 1. We'll see.<br />
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5) <b>Daniella</b>--hot blonde with a some dumb handshake bit. That was her intro? I was waiting for her to head butt him before she went inside.<br />
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6) <b>Kelly</b>--Cruise ship songstress who both looked and acted like it. Had different colored eyes and a bowling trophy spray tan so deep she looked like a pumpkin. Then she sang a dumb song. See ya!<br />
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7) <b>Katie-</b>-yoga instructor. Shows him some yoga and then pretty much vanished like one of his shirts. Didn't bother to wear shoes either. Maybe she was from Arkansas.<br />
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8) <b>Ashley P. </b>Oh boy. Walking hotmess from the promos who grins before yanking a tie out from between her tits and dangling it in front of Sean's eyes and letting him know that she reads crappy books. Sean stares at the tie like it's a live cobra and finally seems to get the Fifty Shades reference and swallows uncomfortably.<br />
<i>(WWAD? Harrison leaps from behind the bushes and pounces on top of Arie like a ninja superhero and tries vainly to pull him off the girl. By the time Harrison arrives, Arie has her hogtied and naked from the waist up.)</i><br />
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9) <b>Taryn</b>--Uh, uncomfortable, insecure woman dumped.<br />
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10) <b>Catherine-</b>-Va-VOOM! Wow! Beautiful gal who joined Katie and my missing sock in Sean's vanishing shirt cabinet. What? Oh, c'mon! We never saw this one the rest of the night. Shit.<br />
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11) <b>Robyn</b>--Hey, who invited Condoleezza Rice? The former secretary of state tried to show Sean how excited she was to meet him by nearly breaking her neck in the driveway. Smooth.<br />
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12) <b>Lacey</b>--gives him a lacy heart. He carried it around and then dumped it into the trash when he dumped her.<br />
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13) <b>Paige</b>--the only sane member of Bachelor Pad 3 came on this show to demonstrate that she is obviously losing her sanity. Dumped--no rose here either. You walked from Minnesota to California for this? Sell that desperation, girl. I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or laugh.<br />
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14) <b>Tierra</b>--oh my. This one got out of the limo, showed Sean a half-heart tattoo on her finger and giggled. He immediately wandered off to get Harrison's head out of the punch bowl and "broke some rules" by grabbing an instant rose. Heh. Yeah, he blindsided the producers, I'm sure. Anyway, I saw the season previews. This gal is going to be a nutcase-bitch. The name sounded familiar so I looked it up--Tierra means Land in Spanish. Well that's not going to work. Try dramatica. Yeah, that's more like it--Tierra Dramatica--<b>DramaLand</b>! That's your name woman.<br />
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15) <b>Amanda-</b>-fit model who did an awkward moment thing? Huh? Lame. Good looking though.<br />
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16) <b>Keriann-</b>-she drove 2,275 miles to get here? She could have at least picked poor Paige up on the way. Well, maybe she can give her a ride back to Minnesota anyway since they both got dumped.<br />
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17) <b>Desiree (Dez)</b> Yum, yum. Great entrance too. She joined Sean to toss coins into the mansion's Trevi Fountain and make a wish. Good intro plus pretty girl should equal a long stay. We'll see. I like this one. Works in a bridal salon or something.<br />
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18) <b>Sarah</b>--Good looking blonde with one arm. Later she speaks with Sean and pretty much hints life has been hell. I'm sure. Sean shrugs, he could care less about the missing wing. I wouldn't have either. He gave her a rose. I would have too, but since she wants to be treated like everyone else, I'm also going to make fun of her.The whole time she was sitting with Sean I just kept wondering how she avoids swimming only in circles, but whatever. She was pretty--seems nice--yeah, the rose was a no-brainer. <b>Circle-swimmer Sarah</b>.<br />
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19) <b>Brooke</b>--sultry black girl. Yummy, not bad. Since Fleiss is bowing to pressure and filling the cast with minorities and disabled folks, it's just as well they be pretty.<br />
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20) <b>Diana</b>--mom of two--I liked her but she's too damn old for Sean.<br />
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21) <b>Lesley M.</b> Saw in the promos she was a political consultant from D.C. Considering she made a point about her environmental activism, I'm guessing she's a Democrat, and I'm guessing Sean is…not. She brought a football and conned Sean into bending over so she could check out his ass.<br />
<i>(WWAD? Easy; when she kept barking signals without calling for the ball, he would have urged her closer and then fired a retro blast at her to show her what a card he is too. BRAAAAP!)</i><br />
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22) <b>Kristy</b>--model who made a point in the promo to tell us that the other girls would all be jealous of her. Blech.<br />
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23) <b>Ashley H</b>.--Best intro line of the night. Walked up and told Sean, "Hi Ken, I'm Barbie." That should have earned her a rose.<br />
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24) <b>Lauren</b>--Italian girl who goes all Sopranos on Seanie and assures him that if he hurts her, her dad will break his legs. I'm amazed this didn't win him over. Sean played it safe and dumped her. Whoops!<br />
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25) <b>Lindsay</b>--wedding dress? Jesus. Then lip mugs him before she even tells him her name. Cuckoo. Then to charm him, she got shit-faced. She got a rose? Really?<br />
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26) ???? Holy crap, it's <b>Kacie B</b>. At first I thought this was weird, then I realized that since a nice Christian boy is stroke' the pony with a lowlife like Fleiss, nothing can be considered weird this season anyway. Why not? C'mon Kacie. Got a rose too. Cool.<br />
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Ok, what happened next? Sean handed out roses right and left and I lost track of what was going on. Other than girls talking about what was going on with the roses, virtually nothing happened. Over half the girls who got early roses, well, we didn't even see it happen. A couple got drunk and the 50 Shades of Grey ho got smashed and acted so skanky her grandchildren will never live it down.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Roses????</span></b><br />
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How the hell would I know? Some got them, others got dumped. (Shrug). Maybe we can tell them apart next week.<br />
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I'll see ya then.<br />
</div>
Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-52692258133156547532012-12-28T15:31:00.001-08:002012-12-28T15:41:17.663-08:00The Captain's Off-Season Wrap- Up <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Welcome back, my friends. As always, your Captain is humbled by your readership of his silliness and raring to go for yet another over-the-top cheesefest that is heading our way shortly. While I polish my snark sword and load my snark cannons in anticipation of the approaching Bachelor season, it's time to publish a recap of the hijinks and insanity that has occurred in the off-season. So, keep trying to floss that turkey out of your teeth and staring morbidly at the bathroom scale as I go over what has transpired since last we spoke. And there is a ton. <br />
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But first, you may have noticed that the <em>Blast</em> still flies the off-season masthead--no Sean Lowe anywhere in sight. It seems the <em>Blasts</em> resident artist, Dee Dreamer, has gone AWOL. Since she has vanished, we'll have to stick to the standard Jolly Roger. I wouldn't worry though, my guess is that we won't be hurting for shirtless Sean Lowe pictures. <br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;">Speaking of...</span><br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Sean Lowe is the next Bachelor.</span></strong><br />
Not what you'd call a big surprise. Regular readers of the <em>Blast</em> saw months ago the Sean had bitten whatever bullet he possesses and agreed to the slave-terms offered by world class dirtbag, Mike Fleiss, and agreed to become my next verbal punching bag. How will it go? No idea. Sean is not your bargain basement filler we've had of late, but god only knows why he's doing this. The head shots of the women have already been released ( along with a few promos) and naturally, spoilers already abound. But as always, who knows what is correct. But my readers can relax, the Captain doesn't do spoilers. My <em>other</em> readers can relax too: the Captain never plays favorites either. As much as I like Sean (at the moment anyway) he signed up, and that means he's fair game. See ya in early January, <strong>Genetic Marvel</strong>. <br />
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First, the triumphs <br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Jason and Molly Mesnick.</span></strong><br />
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Two good eggs I gave unremitting hell to when they got together and then later had to apologize to, happily announced they are expecting their first child together. Congrats, kids! Now Jason's son--who has haunted my nightmares since Deanna's season--will have a little brother or sister to torment. Good for all involved and my best wishes. <br />
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<strong>Mr. and Dr. Mrs. J.P. Rosenbaum. </strong><br />
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The second non-surprise. While I'm normally hesitant to make predictions, this one wasn't too hard. A couple with <em>Real Jobs </em>who returned to normal life and barely waved at Hollywood made it to the altar. True, I found Ashley unbearably boring as the Bachelorette, but said at the time I understood why: she found her guy. While most on this show go on horndog tears, even when the have the one they want picked out (I'm looking at you, Womack!) Ashley politely declined. She stayed sober, out of hot tubs, and together with the guy she wanted. I know,I know; it's unbelievable. She did it! They did it! And good for them. <br />
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Maybe they need to cast more Jews?<br />
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Now for the Rest<br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;"> Vino Ben Flajnik and Queen Courtney Robertson</span></strong><br />
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Well they beat my expectations. I gave them three months; they made nine. Courtney, however, had barely parachuted out of Ben's treehouse when she landed in the arms of <strong>Racecar Arie Luyendijk, jr. </strong><br />
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Why am I not even a little bit surprised? <br />
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So, no worries for them. To my knowledge they're both saying its "non-exclusive" so, hey, no biggie. Just two attractive horndogs going at it like fornicating 14 year-olds. Let em alone, kids, they're not worth the effort. <br />
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And finally...<br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Emily Maynard and One-F-Jef Holm.</span></strong><br />
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My, that was quick. By my count that lasted three whole months from the airing of the finale. But still, people are obsessed with them. There are daily "Jef sightings" on some boards while others have been known to light candles at church praying they get back together? Huh? Anyway, I don't do predictions much, and I've never caught more hell than I did for my write-up of their finale since I pretty much called Jef a hairless chihuahua with a bouffant, but are you kidding me? This relationship was belching smoke even before the official break up--Emily was charged with sexting NFL quarterbacks without a license or something, and Jef was being accused of trying to meet up at hotels with his ex. No matter. People have engaged in some of the nastiest online fights I've ever seen over these two. Really? You lost friends over this? Seems a bit odd when the fans seem to care more than the couple does. A three month engagement? How serious we're they from the beginning? <br />
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You lost a friend over this? What the hell is wrong with you people? Hello?<br />
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Ok folks, there you have it. Oh yeah, Tony and Blakely lasted a month or so. Bully. More exciting was the broadcast of <em>The Bachelor Canada</em>. If you what to see what the Bachelor was supposed to look like, go check it out. <strong>Brad</strong> and <strong>Bianka</strong>, good for both of you. <br />
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Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-88017221710040005902012-07-23T10:52:00.000-07:002012-07-23T10:52:21.923-07:00Emily Finale: Jems and Tinfoilers<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Folks, that was a rather incredible day from start to finish. Up until the last ten days I had avoided spoilers and getting caught up in this season--just peeking onto the general areas of the message boards to post my blog link before jogging away. But yesterday, with some medical tests looming that I'd just as soon forget about, I spent Sunday lying around like a lump and dove into the fandom head first to distract myself. Lurking the boards I discovered that the spoilers I had heard whispers of all season were definitely out there, but were fuzzy. I quickly looked at the sleuthing records and hints being tossed out by the Holm family and quickly concluded that all signs pointed toward the coronation of <b>Single-F-Jef</b> as the winner of Emily's whatever. I also quickly deduced that two powerful, opinionated, rage-filled camps had formed (as usual): <b>Team Jem </b>(Jef and Emily), and a load of stalwarts who considered the spoilers and the tweets from the Holm family to be yet another clever producer-inspired disinformation campaign, and had sportingly named themselves <b>Team Tinfoil Hats</b>--<b>Racecar Arie's</b> people. When I started the observations it was early morning and there was excitement abounding--people fighting sleep, counting down to the live finale, expectantly predicting victory for their Team. But during the day, a few hyperbolic tweets from Harrison and the producers had tipped the entire fandom over the edge. By 6 PM, I found myself surrounded by people in tinfoil hats (regardless of their Team), running naked through the corridors and screaming. <i>They're getting married tonight! Emily is pregnant! Chris Harrison will officiate the wedding! etc, etc. etc</i>. Since I had zero emotional investment in the outcome of the season, it was like being the only sober person at a huge party full of drunks. By the time the broadcast started, I felt like I needed a tinfoil hat. But before I don my shiny chapeau to keep Chris Harrison out of my mind, I'd better recap.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Willemstad, Curacao</h3>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal;">The Wingman gets the festivities started live in front of a studio audience and quickly rolls the tape. We're back in Curacao, where Emily wanders around her private villa with Little Ricki telling us she is in love with both men but she's uncertain whether to introduce either of them to Ricki. Huh? You're gonna get engaged to some guy but you aren't ready for him to meet your daughter? Yeah, sure. Anyway, Emily and Ricki frolic in the pool before she heads over to meet her family, whom after skipping Brad's disaster season, have consented to take a free trip to Curacao to provide Emily with zero help and some advice she's gonna ignore. </span></h3>
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: left;">
…His Boy Elroy…</h4>
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First up is<b> One-F-Jef</b>, who comes strolling up in a white t-shirt, skinny jeans, and his pompadour piled high. Emily greets him looking ten years older than her boyfriend and she leads him inside to meet the family. Jef meets Emily's mother, Susie, her father, David, and her brother, Ernie. Ernie? Anyway, Jef turns on his masterful charm and slathers these folks with buckets of BS. Mom takes Jef aside and shows her 3-pack-a-day voice and an immobile, botox-filled face as she quizzes Jef and naturally, The Master has every answer. Mom lets Jef know that he will need to sleep on the floor by the bed so Ricki can stay in bed with momma. Jef, who's seen less action than a convent nun, nods happily. Now it's big brother Ernie's turn to quiz the hipster. Ernie sits him down and starts growling out some big brother threats from the very corner of his sagging mouth. I stare at Ernie and wonder how god managed to insert all the wonderful genes into one sibling and rendered the other so bereft. Once Ernie started speaking, I was waiting for him to growl for an order of <i>"mustard and french fried taters."</i> Ernie hammers Jef with his <i>Sling blade</i> impersonation, but the Master is undaunted. Slapping every mumbled question back at Ern, Jef dances away nimbly and within moments Ern is ready to hug it out with the hipster. Clearing the big brother hurdle, Jef is next corralled by Pops David, who appeared to have spent the last sixty years stooped over in a West Virginia coal mine. Pops limps over to a couch and sits Jef down to get some smoothness from the Master. Pops sits there like a statue for a few minutes, before he gives Jef his permission to ask for Emily's hand. Emily walks Boy Elroy out and gives him a few tepid, no body contact pecks and sends him on his way with his lunch money.<br />
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: left;">
The Tinfoilers Last Stand</h4>
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When we return from commercial, Harrison and the audience are back to remind us that this all live, before they roll the tape again. It's <b>Racecar Arie's </b>turn, and Team Tinfoil stands and cheers for their man, but pops has some saltpeter to toss on that particular erection: "I'm not sure why we're even going through the actions of seeing another guy." Yikes! Pops has fallen under the spell of the Master. But worry not, Dear Readers, the standard Meet-The-Parents-Template is back in play this year--the tinfoilers sense that the family will leave the Bachelorette "more confused than ever", and will be zero help at all, and they are right. Arie sits down with the family and babbles but quickly puts the family under his spell too. He breaks the ice by saying he was super skeptical and knew nothing about the show except he used to date one of its producers or something. Arie then hands out a box filled with the roses Emily gave him and mom makes her move and explains why the whole family skipped meeting Brad--<i>"No einey meenie-minie-mo--like you're going through--if you want to marry my daughter." </i>Arie turns on the charm and quickly has mom looking Cougar. Compared to Boy Elroy, Arie looks like a man, and mom's hormones quickly override her previous judgment. Now she is safely no help to Emily. Soon, brother Ernie sits Arie down and he too melts under Arie's powerful European pheromones. Dad falls next like a nine pin as Arie sweeps the field. They never showed Ernie's girlfriend speak with him, but I expect she had removed half her clothes by the time he had smiled at her, so they edited that out. Anyway, Arie takes Emily outside and thoroughly tongues her, and walks away with swaggering confidence. The trap is laid. Emily returns for her advice session and tries to BS pops that she loves both men and he nearly cracks up in her face. "You can love them both, but not really be in love with more than one." Mom sees her indecision and advises "I strongly urge you to wait on any kind of engagement until you see how they interact with Ricki." Fat chance on that. Emily BS's us that she might just do a runner. Fleiss quickly orders Harrison and his quick reaction team to don their ballistic gear and butterfly nets in case she tries to escape. Parents (and Sling blade Ernie): over.<br />
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: left;">
Sure, I'll Marry You…But You Can't Meet My Daughter.</h4>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Emily's Default Pose for the Evening</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Returning from commercial, Harrison has popped back up and is interviewing and baiting the audience. I assume both the Jems and Tinfoilers were screaming aloud at this point to get on with it. Harrison finally stops cheesing and rolls the tape. We are greeted by a vacillating Emily as she prepares for her date with The Master. They greet each other wandering down the beach and have a quick sit down. Jef pretty much lets her know all the pieces are in place…except meeting Ricki. Emily tries to BS us, and Boy Elroy, one last time that while an engagement might be in the cards, meeting Ricki is not. The Master turns the tables on her brilliantly. "Put yourself in my place…you've found this person who gets you--who completes you--but you haven't met this person's daughter; what would you think?"<br />
Emily mumbles, "I'd think it was weird."<br />
Duh. She now takes Jef to meet Ricki like she always intended to. They now head over to meet Ricki and Emily now hits us with with one, final, cryptic warning of either insanity or unalloyed crap. "If this meeting doesn't go well, it would be the end of my relationship with him, no question." Personally folks, I don't trust a six year old to chose what they want for breakfast, let alone chose my spouse for me. This thing is really built on a foundation of granite, isn't it? But that doesn't matter, because when we return from commercial, Emily takes Jef in to meet Ricki and I see the Master has dark jedi mind powers over children too. Nah, Ricki, who is adorable, is delighted to have another playmate about her age and within seconds they are swimming together in the pool and all is wonderful. Kiddie test complete, Emily shoos Jef away to dress for dinner. He joins her in her suite and whips out a book he got for her, complete with annotated drawings of their "journey" that looked like Little Ricki drew them. Emily is charmed and she sends him away before his curfew expires.<br />
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: left;">
"Evil Barbie"</h4>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Tinfoilers Peg Emily</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Harrison is back on stage to bait the audience one last time before the hammer falls and he rolls the tape, queuing himself up as the Master of all relationship advice. We see Emily is no longer vacillating, no longer confused, after sleeping she now has confidence that One-F-Jef is her boy, er man. Harrison drops his web gear, ballistic helmet, and butterfly net and comes striding into her place in a blue linen shirt and they have a sit down. Emily says she is through, Boy Elroy is her guy and she wants things halted. Harrison nods, flashes a thumbs up to the control truck ("Got her!"), and orders her to go and pulverize Arie. We switch to see that Arie has already arrived at their date site and is busy smiling while some islander witch, who popped out of nowhere, is mixing up a Love Potion I think she was going to use on him. Anyway, despite the fact he won't be humiliated by being allowed to get down on one knee, he gets his chance here and more for later. Emily pulls up and stands there like a moron while Arie rubs some love potion on her forearm before he senses something is very wrong. They sit down and she tries to talk and bursts into tears. Arie stares at her like she hit him in the head with a brick. She dumps him…sorta…maybe. The whole thing was pretty cloudy. He got the message well enough to wish her luck and get up and storm off. She chases him down but won't admit she loves Jef more than him and he finally just wishes her luck and angrily hops into the SUV and is carted away. He looks very hurt and totally blindsided but holds it together on the way to the airport. I hit the <i>pause</i> on the remote over the screaming of my wife and make a quick check of the message threads to watch for the reaction. The Tinfoilers explode! Emily is an "evil barbie; a goldigger who landed the kid with the trust fund," etc. They predict she will be pregnant within a day to lock up her claim on that trust fund. I hit <i>play</i> before my wife can kill me as Arie is carted away in a cloud of confusion and uncertainty. We see the audience sitting in silence while Harrison gravely informs us that we will return shortly and I'm powerfully reminded of<b> Killian</b> in the original<i> Running Man.</i><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Harrison Prepares Arie for Disaster</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Harrison is back to interview some blasts from the past--<b>J.P. and Ashley, DeAnna Stagliano</b> (nee <b>Pappas</b>) and her brother-in-law, chronic franchise hanger-on, <b>Breakdancing Michael Stagliano</b>--to try and mitigate the predicted Tinfoiler hate flowing at Emily like rattlesnake venom. Fat chance. Once <strike>Killian</strike> Harrison is done mitigating damage and promoting Bachelor Pad 3, we return to see One-F-Jef go ring shopping. Boy Elroy comes riding in on his Jetson hoverboard like <i>Marty Mcfly</i> and visits <i>Neil Lane's Traveling Hot Dog and Engagement Ring Stand</i>. He quickly picks out a rock the size of <i>Fred Flintstones </i>bowling ball that Emily must have picked out before the season, and heads out.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
The Final Rose...in Tijuana?</h3>
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They held the Final Rose Ceremony in a slum? WTF was that about? After dressing, Emily heads to a Caribbean-colored stage positioned in a high crime slum. Harrison leads her in and then stands around fidgeting nervously while the palooka stagehand is ordered to watch out for drug dealers. One-F-Jef comes in dressed in his suit while Emily voice overs us that she might not accept a proposal. Harrison grabs Jef and hauls him into the slum square, his eyes nervously scanning for criminals, and cuts him loose. Jef walks in with utter confidence and starts yanking more verbal E-cards out his ass. It's yet another masterful, nearly poetic performance of unalloyed bullshit. The Master has the deft touch. He finally sinks to a knee, presents the rock, and pops one out. Emily waits and dithers and finally accepts. They trade some more lip pecks but continue to ensure enough daylight between them to satisfy a middle school dance chaperon. Little Ricki comes running into the slum and Emily reaches down to get her and the new happy family walks away hand in hand. I was waiting for Emily to tell her, <i>"Uh, Ricki-Monkey, you remember when I told you about my friend Jeff here…well he's your new daddy now! Whaddya think of that?"</i> but she doesn't. They walk away while the audience and my wife cheer.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
After The Final Rose</h3>
<br />
I'll keep it short. Arie was brought out to admit he never knew if Emily was with Jef or had pulled a Womack and dumped them both, so he flew cross country to see her and get some closure. He left a journal on her doorstep (which she says she never read) and apparently couldn't close anything out. Finally, Jef actually called him and told him to keep hands off, and that finally ended it. She hands Arie the journal back and he finally goes away while his Tinfoilers cry a mighty river and curse Emily into the depths of hell for scarring one of the greatest human beings who's ever lived and vow never to watch this show again…until next season. Boy Elroy comes out, they see their engagement again, trade a few tepid pecks, and vow the beginning of a new family. The Jems explode in orgiastic joy and swear Romeo and Juliet have got nuthin' on these two lovebirds. Before they can finish expressing their undying love and Ashley can finish shouing at J.P. that they need to beat them to the altar, Harrison is already shouting at us to wash this romantic blech out of our hair and get ready for some Bachelor Pad sleaze, starting tommorow!<br />
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<b>Pirate Conclusion: </b>Same as most always; the odds are against them like every couple on this show. Whether the Jems or the Tinfoilers have the true read of their respective peoples, I neither know nor could know. But like always I release them out into the world and promise to leave them alone. I plan on sorta watching, but probably not blogging about, Bachelor Pad this year. But we'll see.<br />
Until (presumably) Sean takes up the Bachelor mantle this fall, I'll see ya then!<br />
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<br /></div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-6247145583593053052012-07-21T18:01:00.001-07:002012-07-21T18:01:32.986-07:00Breaking: Source: Sean Lowe is the New Bachelor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYmbgc4A_4s2jBaBvul3Zpb1bZEWKuyBt4nWXjhQWr66D2rSBgCWUDfS438KojSoEAdgG0GotUaWZpWcdSoG0oiY43iY3FW4SsNYcI_dLkKvNS3HdjtZ3Sf-vPRa8tQ-qxc9JJjU4avilK/s460/Photo%252520Jul%25252010%25252C%2525202012%2525209%25253A58%252520AM.jpg" target="_blank" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYmbgc4A_4s2jBaBvul3Zpb1bZEWKuyBt4nWXjhQWr66D2rSBgCWUDfS438KojSoEAdgG0GotUaWZpWcdSoG0oiY43iY3FW4SsNYcI_dLkKvNS3HdjtZ3Sf-vPRa8tQ-qxc9JJjU4avilK/s460/Photo%252520Jul%25252010%25252C%2525202012%2525209%25253A58%252520AM.jpg" id="blogsy-1342918818796.7195" class="alignleft" alt="" width="460" height="340"></a></div><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="6"> Feast Your Eyes Ladies</font></strong><br/><br/> <br/><br/>A trusted source--one that speaks rarely--but always speaks factually, is confirming that Sean Lowe will be the next Bachelor this fall. That Fliess and his criminal gang would ask is no surprise, but I'm rather surprised that Genetic Marvel has accepted. Only a few days ago on the Kidd Kraddock radio show, Sean said he had not even been asked.Apparently, the reaction of the fandom and the crowd at The Men Tell All were enough to seal the deal. <br/><br/>So a decent guy has been pegged for the role. The questions are will he lose his decency to the Fleissmonster? Will he be so decent that he is a bore as the Bachelor? Only time will tell. But it looks like Sean will be getting the chance to lose his soul to Mike Fleiss anyway. <br/><br/>Emily's finale is tomorrow night. As always, the pirate will be there to Blast it. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-21749419400237794082012-07-17T16:25:00.000-07:002012-07-17T16:25:25.931-07:00Emily Week 10--The Men Put Me To Sleep<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Folks, this is what we get when we have a relatively drama-free season and the douchebag quota is low--<i>The Men Tell All </i>falls from its lofty perch of cheap entertainment and becomes a cheap sleep aid instead. Was there ever any doubt we were going to get both barrels of <b>Overrated Ryan</b> and <b>Kay-Lynn</b>? Nope. And was anyone surprised that most of the show was a highlight reel for the guys who've been chosen to be on Bachelor Pad 3? Nah. Been a rough day here on the pirate ship, so let's keep this as short as <b>One-F-Jef</b>.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Color By Numbers</span></b><br />
Harrison, once he finishes smarming the captive studio audience of well-trained seals, shows a clip of him interviewing Emily. They reveal little of interest or anything we don't already know--<b>Ryan</b> is in love with himself; <b>Dug</b> is frightened of women; <b>Kay-Lynn</b> is frightened of going back to anonymity; and <b>Bobble Head Chris</b> is wound so tight he might just burst like a cheap watch spring. Big deal.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The Lukewarm Seat</span></b><br />
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Naturally this starred the season's two largest douches, <b>Kay-Lynn</b> and <b>Overrated Ryan</b>. But once I saw the clips of Bachelor Pad 3--which appears to be going from merely sleazy to execrable--I realized that the biggest star of the night was <b>Bobble Head Chris</b>. He spent what seemed like an hour in the lukewarm seat seething with a violent temper and whining about love, while the Bachelor Pad highlights showed us that his search for love now consists of bagging as many women as possible. The only surprise was that Ryan apparently passed on the Bachelor Pad offer that was certainly extended to him. But he's such a weirdo, god only knows what that's about. To try and inject some redeeming nature to the show before Emily comes out, <b>Genetic Marvel Sean</b> joins the Wingman so he can actually show us what a decent dude looks like. The women in the audience nearly herniated themselves cheering for him but I noticed Harrison never asked the magic, <i>"Would you be the Bachelor?"</i> question. Probably a pretty strong hint that <b>Roberto</b> is already signed, sealed, and delivered.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Emily Comes Out</span></b><br />
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She was there to replay the Kay-Lynn argument over Ricki as baggage and she savages him once again. The audience gasps and cheers as she schools his rude ass again. Hardly matters; he got what he wanted--more face time. One gets the impression that Kalon would allow himself to be crucified on national television for attention. Actually it's quite a shame they didn't do that. Anyway, Sean and Emily talk and she never answers his question about why she dumped him. Sean, shrugging, seems cool with it now and keeps it as classy as usual. He thanks her for breaking his heart and showing him what divorce would feel like or something like that.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Bloopers</span></b><br />
This was funny? Potted palms and tents they're eating under tipping over? C'mon, Harrison--work on it!<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Bachelor Pad 3</span></b><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b><br />
Wow. Just wow. <b>Jillian Harris'</b> cheatin' former fiance, <b>Drop Dead Ed</b> is after <b>Pig Snout Jacklyn</b>? <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b> and <b>Kay-Lynn?</b> What would Harry Cox think? Somewhere in a dumpster, a rat just puked.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">What we didn't see</span></b><br />
A lot. An entire pantload as a matter of fact. No highlights of the Final Rose Ceremony; no Neil Lane--nada. What that means? Simple. The Wingman spent every other sentence setting up the finales move to Sunday followed by a one hour After the Final Rose--Live! That's one way to keep the ending quiet.<br />
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Ok folks. Next up--Curacao again. See ya then.<br />
</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-43684460474411722922012-07-10T12:32:00.003-07:002012-07-10T12:40:28.838-07:00Emily Week 9: Wild Times in the "Role Model" Suites<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Man that was hot, wasn't it? I mean cherry-red, smokin' ass hot! No, I mean Cold, as in Blue, as in frosty, shivering, nut-swellingly blue. Just another example of how Emily Maynard has more sense than just about anybody I've ever seen on this show. Emily has never come across as a prude; although Little Ricki is often portrayed as a religious icon on this show, Emily has never bothered to try and claim she was conceived through an immaculate conception; nor has she tried to con anybody that she's spent the interim six years from the time of Ricki's birth until now, being celibate. She just refuses to publicly bang three guys in one week on national TV. Besides, for any of you huffing about the wisdom of anyone getting engaged without trying out the goods first, remember the history of this show: plenty of people over the seasons have been given time to slip away privately with one (or more) of their suitor/ettes. Did you really think Fleiss was going to show his angelic single mom soiling herself in the Fantasy Suite? Uh, no. He'll let her soil herself in private.(Besides, whether you take a roll in the hay or not, how many of think getting engaged after 7 weeks and three dates is a good idea anyway?) What he will show us is a full thirty minutes of her neverending agony over having to dump anyone. Hey Fleiss; lighten up!<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Emily Agonistes</h3>
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Once the show started, I came to one conclusion instantly: <i>Harrison is already drunk</i>. And I see events at the Rose Ceremony bear me out (more on that later). Twenty minutes were gone before I realized he was a no-show. While the <b>Wingman</b>, and the ABC interns he doubtlessly commands, staged drunken panty raids on the women in this weeks resort, Emily was left alone to tell us how damn miserable this all makes her--gut-churningly, heart-rendingly, butt-clenchingly miserable. This was boring; no Boring; I mean BORING! Jesus, Fleiss; let it go! We get it! She's nice, not a heartless hag. Move on! And by "moving on" he must have thought I meant recap the whole season. Minutes crawl by as I see what I've already seen so Fleiss can warm up the Johnny and Jane Comelatelies to what the rest of us have watched all season. Yeah, I get it. A huge number of people wait every season until the last few shows to join the parade and they haven't a clue who these turds are and why they should care about them. Ok, ok, let's go. </div>
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Sean's Immense, Genetically Perfect, Blueballs!</h3>
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Once Emily is (finally) done moping and crying, first man up is <b>Sean, The Genetic Marvel</b>. Sean becomes the first of three to snatch a colored T-shirt out of the free gift pack and go and meet Emily down on the beach in Curacao. They sit and talk, disrobe to show off their matching genetic perfection, and…nothing. It was a flatline. Emily just sucks as an actress; she's terrible. She loaded him into a helicopter to float out to a private island, and these two looked like they were in church together. Sean never moved close, put an arm around her, nothing. Once they land on the island, it's even worse. They sit down on a blanket and she tells him that his family bus-axled him by telling her that he treats women like "buddies". He tries to defend himself but his family definitely painted him as a commitment phobe. He quickly runs out of things to say and the theme of the date is set: <i>Sean needs to be pressured into admitting he loves Emily</i>. She, the producers, and god knows who else, are determined to get this guy to crack. We're shown a short swim they take before night has already fallen. They start out along the beach sitting on pillows as the interrogation begins. She pokes, prods, cajoles, and works him over for the "L-word". Reeling under the assault, Sean pulls out a letter to Ricki that was doubtlessly inspired by his personal producer who heard about the success <b>One-F-Jef </b>had with his own letter on the hometowns, and reads it aloud. It's sufficiently heartfelt and cheesy without being particularly poetic. With the letter read, the pressure has built, and Sean launches the most reluctant "L-Bomb" I can remember hearing on this show. Emily beams, gives him a few tepid pecks as a reward, and then as quick as a cat, whips out the 'ol sexcard Harrison penned before going on his latest bender. Sean reads the Fantasy Suite invite aloud and quickly accepts. They wander into the suite, put on bathing suits and jump into a hot tub. Sean's eyes (and much else) bug out, but Emily is already hedging in a voice over. <i>"Do I follow my ovaries or stay true to myself…blah,blah,blah."</i> Suffice it to say, Sean's reward stops at getting a good look at her in a bikini and he is then booted out and limps away with his genetically perfect testicles swollen like blue melons, but his hopes (and much else) are never higher. The trap is laid. Which is more than we can say for Sean. Date over. </div>
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Emily's Throbbing, Genetically Perfect, Blue Ovaries!</h3>
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Say what you will about <b>One-F-Jef</b>, but this kid's got Game. Jef is short, of a very average build that's never seen a gym; he's practically hairless save that awful mop on the top of his noggin, and he's competing against a genetic marvel and race car driving European hottie, but this kid's got the finish line in sight! If you ever want to know how to handle a Bachelorette, my friends, just watch and learn. Jef has bamboozled, charmed, flummoxed, humored, and intrigued Emily from the moment he arrived on his dumb skateboard. He tells jokes one minute with a air of insouciance and confidence, before he waxes poetic with considerable style and earnestness, and then retreats into a sublime indifference to her. Emily vibrates, laughs, is taken aback, and then melts like butter. It's been like watching Ted Williams hit baseballs; Gretzky shoot hockey pucks, or Ali dance around an opponent sticking and moving; just Bravo, Maestro! After watching Emily toy with Sean, this was damn near poetic justice. "We need to bridle our passions." Did you hear that? "Bridle our passions"? Did you hear that shit? Can you believe that shit? We are in a the presence of a master. Some artists work in clay or oils; others in stone or watercolors; Jef works in "Emily". Let's watch the master work:</div>
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Jef wanders down the beach sounding realistic, but skeptical. She greets him on a dock and takes him out onto a large sailing yacht. They sit on the yacht and try and talk against the wind and I have to turn my TV up to 11 to hear them. She probes him about his families reaction to her visit last week. She tries to joke but as is his want, Jef switches gears abruptly and asks her a serious question: "Do you think I'd be a good parent?" Emily answers "yes!" at once, but he doesn't let the meaningless platitude slide: "Why?" This is the first of about twenty times he will wrong foot her on the date. Jef lets her fully explain her reasoning and then tells us in a P.I. "Emily and I are this crazy painting that I didn't understand at first. But as I've stepped back I can see the masterpiece develop." Oh, so can we, Maestro. They jump from the boat and he surfboards her to the beach and we can see for ourselves just how much Jef has blinded her. The guy from an unknown religious denomination that starts with a "Mor" and ends with a "mon" should be about a mile out of his league here. He has the most average--maybe even <i>bad</i>--build I've ever seen on a serious suitor on this show; he's short, hairless, and looks like he's going to celebrate his next birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, but he's not only kicking, he's kicking ass! As darkness falls, they head to a set on the beach for dinner. The second they're seated, Jef dives in with deep, earnest questions: Where would we live?; Why are you still single?; Do you think I'm a good fit for Ricki? Emily, exhausted by assault kisses and the normal "You're so beautiful" platitudes, gets to expound on her vision for the future. Jef waits and lets her laud him as a perfect fit for her life. Emily, now sensing she has buttered him up for the big fall, whips out the sexcard and hands it to him, waiting to watch him start panting like a hound so she can slap him down. The master has other plans, however. Jef reads the Wingman's version of <i>Penthouse Forum </i>aloud and returns the bait job on her: "What do I think? I think it would be awesome to forgo our individual rooms…" Then he yanks the rug, "but…I understand that your daughter and our families will be watching this and there's a time and a place. I intend to spend the rest of my nights with you in our own little fantasy suite. So…" (Insouciant shrug).<br />
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<i>Emily's jaw hits the table.</i><br />
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"Errr, uh, I'm so thankful you responded that way…" Uh-huh. She does everything but scream, <i>"Are you kidding me? Are you blind--can you even see me?"</i> Ha! In a private interview, we get to see one of those rare, honest (and funny) things on this show. Emily tells us: "He took everything I was going to say to him and turned it back to me. It was very sweet, but at the same time, I wanted to turn him down but he kinda turned me down!" Ha Ha! Learn from the master. <br />
Jef now leads her up to Fantasy Suite where they sit on a couch and make out pretty hot and heavy. Emily waits for his temperature to rise and his trouser snake to take command of his brain, but he thunders on until her ovaries glow blue and then he…abruptly gets up and walks out. She stares agog at him as he limps down the stairs under the pain of an erection and looks back at the suite with a casual flip of his bouffant before he limps off into the night. Emily practically roars in frustration and slams the door before she collapses onto the bed in a swoon, surrounded by a cloud of estrogen. Date…and Emily Maynard…<i>Over</i>.</div>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Arie's Enormous, European, Blueballs!</h3>
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Oh boy. After watching Jef's amazing and subtle performance of long term seductive skills, this was like watching a chimp trying to solve quadratic equations. Noted European horndog, <b>Race Car Arie</b>, is up next to try his luck. That means he and Emily will say three words, pause, and Arie will ram his tongue down her esophagus. She greets him on the dock and they swallow each others faces before they head out on another, smaller, sailboat and keep tongue-choking each other. I see Fleiss has hired Flipper and his trainer to swim around the couple and scare the shit out of Emily. The tame dolphin shadows them as they swim around and Arie gets to be "protective" and wet hump her under the water. They finally give the dolphin a fish for his troubles and head back to the boat and mumble through some shallow platitudes before they make out some more. Arie pauses making out long enough to list his favorite moments of their "journey", and Emily correctly (and somewhat caustically) observes that all his favorite moments involve kissing. Incorrectly reading her complaint, he tongues her some more. He then lays her down on the boat deck and REALLY has a go at her. During the commercial <b>Harrison</b> dumps a bucket of ice water on him or something and they manage to get them off the boat. Darkness has fallen when we return and we see them head to dinner. Emily, showing some Native American ancestry, has turned as brown as a walnut from the sun while Arie shows his European skin by being burned to the color of a hibiscus and glows in the lamplight with a sheen of aloe smeared all over his face. Emily, once again, tries to move onto deeper ground. "I don't even know what you do? What's a Tuesday like for you?" Arie tries to turn it back to her but finally admits he sleeps in, goes to the car shop, and eats out with his buddies every night when he's in town, which isn't often. Emily frowns. Sensing his chances at the suite slipping away, Arie finally tries to actually talk instead of kiss. Emily gives him the same assurances she gave Jef--she will move to him, no moving to Charlotte necessary. Arie then gives his philosophy on parenting, but I can feel the ending I originally thought was going to happen, slip away. They have great physical chemistry, but Emily looks more and more skeptical as the night progresses and she starts to sound more polite than ensnared. She talks about how good looking he is in a P.I. and says she can't trust herself, so Harrison's last effort to sound like Henry James is never used. Frankly, I thought she held it back out of fear that he would throw her down on the table and take her over the Lobster Thermadore they were eating. Then, in a P.I., Emily starts to cry about having to tell people goodbye. <i>Buzz!</i> That's it. She's made up her mind. An since she was so hurt by Brad slobbering all over Ashley and Chantal on his second season, she is backing off. She might tongue duel with Arie some more in two weeks, but I think she's decided. We'll see. Date over.</div>
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<b>Emily Agonistes II</b></h3>
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As darkness falls, <b>Harrison</b> has finally gotten off the Charter Boat and makes an appearance. Not even bothering to change out of his Tiki Lounge clothing, he greets her sans his Wingman uniform looking sunsoaked and hung over…<i>and I mean that</i>. They head into the tropical lounge of solitude so Emily can mope and cry, cry, cry. She pouts and whines for 10 minutes as Harrison prods and probes her. At one point, Harrison, fighting to keep his bloodshot orbs open, tries to tell her to gather herself and makes to leave but Emily just goes on and on crying about all of the men. Finally he orders her to watch some videos and lunges for the door. Emily watches the video pleas from each of the men but Fleiss decides to use the trick of only using her watching Sean's video…I think. She is now officially <i>Emily,the Depressed</i>. She cries no matter what guy is shown speaking and mopes. All three guys tell her they love her in the video; Sean, with great naivete; Jef, with romantic smoothness; and Arie, like they've got some unfinished business to attend to (wink, wink.). </div>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
The Remains of the Wingman and Jef's Just Not Tall Enough for Primetime</h3>
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Harrison, just thankful to be on his feet, has greeted the boys as they arrived individually as their videos played. Jef comes first and it's here that Fleiss has decided to needlessly humiliate the guy. <b>Jef </b>shows up in a white dress shirt, dark tie and slacks like he's just arrived on my doorstop with his bike and wants to ask very politely if I've heard of Joseph Smith. But Fleiss orders him to wear dark socks and shoes so he can have the poor guy stand on a box or something so he won't look so short. Don't believe me? Look at the pictures. <b>Arie</b> and <b>Sean</b> both arrive in Island Casual and Harrison lines them up while Emily cries because she's so guilty for laying such a good trap for Sean. </div>
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Harrison lines the boys up and hungover or not, he can do his job on autopilot. After one successful take of the usual boilerplate, he backs away for the nearest chair and an ice bag.<br />
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<b>Roses:</b><br />
1) <b>One-F-Jef</b>--Step down off those stilts and go get your rose, little fella. The Master may have this in the bag already.<br />
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<i>No Harrison interlude; no need to count to ONE. I think he may have passed out.</i><br />
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2) <b>Race Car Arie</b>--Easily dumped if need be. The prime difference between the Bachelor and Bachelorette. If this were the Bachelor, Arie would win cause he turns her on the most. Mama Emily is thinking with more than her genitals in my opinion. We'll see.<br />
<b><br />Dumped: Sean, the Genetic Marvel</b>. Totally blindsided and appeared genuinely hurt, but in keeping with the sterling character he actually does possess, he keeps it classy and mans up. He takes it with great pain, but holds himself with dignity. Horny Wendy and about half a million other women race to their Facebooks to offer Sean "comfort."<br />
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Can you ever remember a Final 3 who carried themselves this well? Not sure I can.<br />
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Ok, Next Week: The Men Tell on Each Other. In two weeks: The Finale and Fleiss wants us to think Emily pulls a <i>Womack</i> of her own and dumps everybody, which means she doesn't.<br />
See ya then. </div>
</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-67326512422559696442012-07-03T18:40:00.000-07:002012-07-03T18:40:26.764-07:00Emily Week 8: The Hometowns<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Howdy Mateys, its week 8 of the saga of Emily Maynard and that means its hometown week. But unlike may visits in the past, this one will go unbelievably well. So well it was damn near boring, especially when the result was never in doubt. Things start with Emily dragging back into her hometown first for a Little Ricki reunion before she darts out for a quick trip around the country to meet the parents of her suitors, and it appears that Emily wants Little Ricki to know that after having two weeks to whoop it up in their free house terrorizing her free nanny, that the <i>Boss</i> is back in town. Emily shows up for the reunion wearing a giant skull shirt to put the fear of god into the little girl. No, I have no idea what that was about, but whatever it was it was good because they kept it short. What it actually was was an excuse to stage a roll call of the remaining men so the late comers to the party can see who she has left. Sans <b>Wingman</b>, Emily recounts the guys so we all get a reminder and off we go.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<b>Cannon Fodder Up First</b></h3>
For her first stop, Emily heads to Chicago, Illinois, home of her least favored boyfriend, <b>Bobble Head Chris</b>. Frankly I'm shocked that Chris survived last week, and from the way she looks when she greets him, so is Emily. <i>Bobble Noggin' </i>greets her in the streets of Chicago. In a Private Interview, Emily hams it up to try and disguise the obvious. "At the last rose ceremony, Chris told me he was falling in love with me, which made me feel so <strike>guilty</strike> great!" Chris spends his time telling us how Polish he is and acting desperate as usual. They crash in a bar, have a beer, and revisit his meltdown from the week before. Emily makes up a load of crap to try and make him feel better about his acting like a punk the week before. Chris lays out his family and confirms he's a total mamas boy. He drives her over to his non-free house to meet the Polish family. Pops offers up a toast and it's obvious Chris wasn't lying about his dad being born in Poland. Once pops is done doing his Lech Walesa impression, we see that Chris' sisters--one blond, one brunette--are both good looking enough to go the Bachelor. Pops, which seems to be the case with the foreign-born daddies we see, shows the old world common sense by being honest, shrewd, and smart. Chris's blond sister, young as she is, shows a load of dad's common sense too by telling Emily to dump her brother "sooner rather than later." For whatever reason, sis isn't buying any of this. <i>Buzz!</i> Sorry, too many brain cells to be on the Bachelor, sis. Pops, who let the word "love" get lost in translation when he was talking with Emily, sits Chris down and tells him that Emily said she was falling in love with him. Uh, no. Emily is the victim here of trying to be too polite with a non-native English speaker and Chris is the victim of being totally delusional. As night falls, she and Chris hang around outside his Polish house and he launches an "L-bomb" on her and she makes out with his little chick mouth for stroking her ego. Naturally, since we're all out of Greeks, Chris hauls her back inside to dance around with the local Poles and do the Polish version of shouting "Opa!" His fate sealed, date over.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Lets Play Hide the Mormons!</h3>
Emily's next stop is St. George, Utah, home of eternal hipster, <b>One-F-Jef</b>. Jef greets us at the <i>Holmstead</i> Ranch (those hidden Mormon's are real cards) and tells us Emily means the world to him. He loads her up into a dune buggy and raises hell all over the Holmstead. He then takes her out to an open field to shoot some clay pigeons. Emily plays the Annie Oakley wallflower and acts helpless with the shotgun until Jef activates the skeet and then she blows them apart like a well-armed Robin Hood, and admits she was lying about not knowing how to shoot. Jef reminds Emily that she will be only be meeting siblings and spouses because his parents are in South Carolina doing <strike>Mission Work </strike>Charity Work! <i>Buzzzzzzz!</i> Ok, what's with this hackneyed audio editing? Are we to assume that the wonderfully clean cut people from Utah we're seeing aren't Mormons? Who cares!? His folks are on Mission Work; so what? Why is Fleiss acting like this is a bad thing? If the folks we're both in the slammer, we'd hear about it. If his parents were two guys named Bob and Otto, we'd hear about it. How condescending and stupid is this? Jef is a Mormon; BFD. You'd think he was a cannibal the way they censored it. Anyway, Emily arrives back at the Holmstead and is greeted by 10 incredibly clean cut people with 15 children from an unknown religious denomination. Jef's big brother Steve, who shows us what Jef would look like with a normal haircut, toasts Emily with lemonade and hauls her aside for a chat. Steve asks some tough questions and Emily seems to do ok. Skeptical sisters come next but everyone seems to make consesnsus about how this might be possible. They finish the questions and Jef takes her to a quiet spot and reads a letter to her. It's both deep and cheesy, which women love. Can the dark horse win this race? Maybe.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
The Dutch Invasion</h3>
Next up it's Scottsdale, Arizona; home of European expat, <b>Race Car Arie Luyendyk Jr</b>. and his Dutch clan. The meet out at the racetrack and he comes screaming up in his Indy car. Emily gets donned up in racing gear and Arie takes her flying around the track in his race car. Then they go for a picnic in a park where Arie sets up the clash between his European folks and her hillbilly self--especially his snooty Dutch mama. After getting bucked up on wine, they head out. Awaiting them are his parents, twin brothers, and a sister. After a brief prelude, mom pulls out the Dutch speak and the whole family starts groking in their native lingo, leaving Emily squirming uncomfortably. Mom then asks Emily if she wants to have a chat. I was waiting for Emily to reply, <i>"Sure, as long as it's in English." </i>but she doesn't. She just goes along and mom asks questions about why she and Brad hit the rocks. Emily repeats what she told Jef's family: "I didn't ask the right questions." She tries to win mom over so Emily turns the tables and asks about Arie's travel and career. Mom, who looks like she used to be in ABBA, warms up and all looks well. Arie now sits down with dad and says he's ready to propose. Dad just sorta shrugs and says, <i>Yeah, ok</i>. Its all pretty bland and non-specific, but certainly no disaster. As Arie walks her out, he tells us he is going to marry Emily and that's that. We'll see about that. Date over.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Time to See the Source of all That Genetic Perfection</h3>
Dallas, Texas, home of <b>Genetic Marvel Sean</b> is the final stop. Sean meets her in a park with his dogs and walks her around and she sells the potential future for the two of them pretty strongly. But Sean slaps that down by showing just how picky and closed off he can be. She drops the usually fatal "perfect" bomb on him about ten times. Yikes. That's usually the kiss the death. Anyway, they arrive at Sean's parents perfect house and Emily machine guns Sean with about another 400 "perfects." Sean now decides the time has come to drop a dark secret about himself: he still lives at home and he's a pig and has a thing about stuffed animals. Turns out, it's a joke. Har har. Dad Jay sits down both his boy and Emily and by the time its over, the parents are gushing. Sean walks her out and he gets a "bye, honey." He then runs down the SUV likes its an opposing tailback and gets one more kiss for the road. Is Sean this guy? Word has come to light that Sean pretty regularly does selfless acts and never seeks publicity for them. He may be wrong for Emily. He may not be ready for a commitment, but the guy is a solid dude, not just a Genetic Marvel. And hey, if it doesn't work out, there's always Emily's friend from Charlotte--<b>Horny Wendy</b>--who'd be happy to take Sean off her hands. Word has it that she's even named her vibrator <i>"Sean"</i>. Hey Now! Date over.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
LA and The Wingman Emerges</h3>
Back in Beverly Hills, Harrison finally emerges from wherever he lurks and meets Emily at a swank hotel for a sit down. Emily, who is sporting an evangelists wife's hairdo tonight, reports that all hometowns were wonderful. All families were normal, nice, and the guys all looked great too. Harrison prods her about what she's going to do and she starts bawling because she has to cut someone after meeting their families. But she'll manage anyway.<br />
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<b>Roses:</b><br />
Harrison greets the boys and cheeses them half to death. Emily comes in and mumbles a preamble.<br />
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1) <b>Race Car Arie</b>--Pushing for the finale. If they get married, mom can even sing <i>Dancing Queen</i> at the wedding.<br />
2) <b>One-F-Jef</b>--the unknown Mormon. The dark horse has really put the spurs to it late.<br />
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<i>Harrison interstitial. Quickly counts one and then heads to the bank to cash another ridiculously huge paycheck.</i><br />
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3) <b>Genetic Marvel Sean</b>--never a doubt.<br />
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Dumped: <b>Bobble Head Chris</b>--Never had a chance. They sit on a bench out in front of the hotel and he demands an explanation and then gets pissed. Once in the limo, they drive him all over LA so he can mope and the producers can pick on him until he gets really pissed off and shouts that he's ten times the man the other guys are.<br />
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Next Week--Curacao. See ya then.<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-79398145777510970082012-06-26T19:50:00.001-07:002012-06-27T06:03:25.652-07:00Emily Week 7: Bobble Head Chris's Time of the Month<p style="text-align: center;"><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">Your Whining Vaccination</font></strong> </p> Folks, I'm having to type this to you via my iPad. Ya know why? Because my air conditioning is broken...and I live in Florida...Florida in June. With a broken air conditioner. I'm on this iPad cause if I placed my MacBook on my lap to type like a normal human being, my nuts would melt! Well, there ya go. Hope that got you warmed up for today's recap so when <strong>Bobble Head Chris</strong> spends the entire episode whining like a giant ovary, you'll be immune. No need to thank me; it's my pleasure.<br/><br/>What an oddball episode this one was anyway. Chris spent the night in the backdrop, bitching, whining, and crying like a toddler while a storm broke about <strong>Arie</strong> that couldn't have been less interesting. Meanwhile several dudes got one-on-one dates and Captain Obvious reclaimed the helm of this ship and spoilers, which have been non-existent to this point, became completely unnecessary, at least as far as the final 3 are concerned. What was different was a sudden explosion of "<strong>Wingman</strong>" sightings. This guy is usually as elusive as Bigfoot, but Harrison was snatched from his private lair repeatedly, and doubtlessly exhausted himself this night. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5"><strong>The Incredibly Romantic City of Prague. </strong></font><br/><br/> <br/><br/>Remember when there used to be a Czechoslovakia? I always pictured the place as soot gray, covered in a permanent haze of pollution from the tank factory, and reeking to high heaven from crumbling, shoddily-built worker flats. Well congrats to the (somewhat) newly minted Czech Republic for not allowing the commies to destroy your architecture or poison your environment beyond repair. When I first heard the show was going to Prague, I laughed. What, were they going to stage dates in the slag heaps or the tank factory? Uh, no. They were going to stage dates in some gorgeous architectural places along scenic rivers that looked more like Vienna (the city, not the worthless fameho) than my mental picture of the Soviet Bloc could ever conjure. Who's the rube now? Showed me Czech people. Or Czechs or whatever. Feels stupid naming a people from such a beautiful country after an outdated financial instrument, but whatever. Those Checks showed my hillbilly ass what a beautiful country they got. Regardless, out comes Harrison for the first of what will be several appearances tonight. He lines the remaining clods up and spells out the date line up: 3 one-on-one dates with no roses anywhere, and 1 group date. No idea what that was about, but definitely a change up. It's at this moment that my tv went out because we needed an update from our local weather schmuck about the tropical storm that was pounding down all around us. Thanks, I could have looked out the window. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">Wingman Filibuster</font></strong><br/><br/> <br/><br/>When we return, <strong>Race car Arie</strong> and Emily are already on a date and already kissing. Quick inserts let us know that Emily knows Arie has a secret. Apparently Arie used to date a bachelor producer. Woooooo, and he never told Emily about it. Before I can start to digest what this might mean here comes the wingman out in front of the Bachelor Mansion in LA to expound about what it all means. He pounds on about "full disclosure" and shows us a taped sequence where <strong>Cassie Lambert</strong>--the <em>scarlet producer</em>--set up a camera and talked with Emily about it. Emily feels like Arie hid the relationship from her, blah, blah, etc, etc. For whatever reason, Emily doesn't appear nettled at Cassie in the least, which is weird since she and Cassie have probably spent ten times the amount of time together these past seven weeks than she has with Arie, but whatever. This gives us a chance to see Emily sit with Arie and she prods him to get him to talk. Nada. When we return from commercial, here comes the Wingman again acting like an expository character in a bad novel. He explains what we just saw...BUT...all three people sat down and talked it out deciding it was no big deal, BUT...they didn't film it? Yeah, right. What a load of crap! They bother filming Cassie grilling Emily about how she feels about it, but they don't bother to film all three of them discussing it and use the wingman like a cheesy chorus in a bad Greek tragedy? BS. What really happened? No idea. But who cares. Emily didn't send Arie home and only moments later we see them back on the date alluding to the "bombshell" and laughing. Arie then L-Bombs her early, just to show all is well. Weird. They ride away on the roof of a harbor ferry and Arie grins "I'm on top of the world." No, you're on top of a boat. Date over. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5"><strong>Care for Some Cheese to Go With Your Whine?</strong></font><br/><br/> <br/><br/>As Arie and Emily finish up their weird date, it's time for <strong>Bobble Head Chris</strong> to get his panties in the tightest wad of the season and whine, whine, whine. Awaiting the next one-on-one date card to arrive, Chris starts hyperventilating and showing how incredibly STUPID he is. Why stupid? He keeps wondering why he hasn't had a date since Charlotte? Because she likes the other guys more than you, stupid! Kick back, fill your suit, have a beer, and enjoy what remains of the free trips. Geez, what a moron. But blind, or just plain dumb, Chris whines and cries the entire episode showing how out of it he is. The date card arrives and serial profanity expert, <strong>John Wolf</strong>, calls his own name for one-on-one time. Chris practically soiled his drawers. Chris, my friend, you just lost out to perpetual nobody, John Wolf. It's time to call it a season, bub. Wolf meets her in the city but Emily is already telling us she doesn't much care for the guy. They go for a ferry ride and he proceeds to blame his dad, a slut ex girlfriend and the economic recession for his disengaged attitude. Emily takes him to a John Lennon wall to paint bad pictures and lecture him about censored music. They paint a horrid looking boat and then go to some bars where people put stolen bike locks up to represent their love. Naturally, when Wolf tries to fix their own personal bike lock up, he can't get it closed. "Not a good sign," Emily foreshadows. Yeah. At dinner in a dungeon, Wolf gets to play pin the tale on the sleazy ex-girlfriend to explain why he has been indifferent to Emily. She smiles. Since there is no rose on this date, she can't dump him...yet. Date over.<br/><br/> <br/><br/><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5"><strong>Whiny McCrybaby</strong></font><br/><br/> <br/><br/>The group date card has arrived and <em>buuuuuuurrrnnn</em>! Chris's name is on it, along with <strong>Dug, the absent father</strong>, and <strong>Sean the Genetic Marvel</strong>. Chris does everything but burst into tears and throw himself out the window. Just to twist the knife, Fleiss sends <strong>John Wolf </strong>in to brag about how well his date with Emily went. Feeling the need to toss us a curveball, Fleiss now sends Genetic Marvel Sean out into the streets of Prague to make a total nuisance of himself to the locals by running through the street yelling, "Emily!" at the top of his lungs. I was waiting for a local to toss a shoe a him like he was a feral Tom cat. While Chris pouts and whines, Sean chases around the city followed by a camera crew until he finally runs up on Emily loitering in a back alley. Emily worries Sean will get into trouble."Oh, no one will know." and maybe they won't. As silly as it sounds, someone got <strong>Courtney</strong> out of her hotel last season to go have sex on the beach with <strong>Ben</strong>. Anyway, Sean takes her to a little cafe where she apologizes for the group date and he takes her back into the alley to finally kiss her like he wants her. He even pins her against the wall and starts hip thrusting her. <em>Hey now!</em> <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">Dug the Unbelievably Lame </font></strong><br/><br/>Emily greets her mini group date in a village square where all the participants hold umbrellas to staunch the rain of tears Bobble Head is about to throw at us. But Chris's tears aside, no one and nothing will look lamer and more ridiculous on this outing than <strong>Dug, the absent father</strong> who couldn't teach an 8th grader how to pick up women. They all pile into an open carriage and get rained all over. The boys hold umbrellas over Emily so her make up wont get ruined and they go up a hill to a 13th century castle. Dug practically ruptures himself because he gets to goof around an old castle and to celebrate it, he gives the lamest toast of the season. Emily hauls him aside and gives him one last chance to make his pitch. Dug settles in and acts like Emily has cooties. He sits arms crossed and desperately tries not to touch her. Boy, I hope Dug's kid isn't expecting any advice about women. Frankly, Dug comes off as gay. And filled with seething rage, just under the surface. What a catch this guy is. Emily can't take anymore and she walks him out under the castle drawbridge and tries in her awkward, kind way to dump him. Sensing the axe heading towards his neck, Dug lunges in for the most awkward kiss I've seen in watching this entire franchise. Emily gulps, resets, and tosses him out. Dug walks away stunned and shocks me by holding it together...until he gets into the van, where he melts down and bawls like a toddler. <em>Buzz</em>! <em>Buzz</em>! <em>Buzz</em>! Oh, Dug, your kid will need therapy after this. You would think with Dug now removed, that Chris might settle down a bit. Uh, no. Emily has gone from a 3-on-1 to the always uncomfortable 2-on-1 and to make matters worse, Chris is now up against the Genetic Marvel who, unbeknownst to him, got to dry hump Emily in an alley the night before. Chris is totally outgunned and acting like an insecure bitch. Emily splits them up by producing two keys to a door so she can slip away individually with them. She hands Sean a huge key while Chris is given a small key with no teeth on it. Surprise! Sean's key opens the door and he takes Emily inside for more intense tonsil hockey. Chris goes next and start pissing and carping about not getting a one-on-one. Emily basically tells him "uh, sorry." Chris pouts and they walk out where she sits them down and roses Sean. Chris tosses a snit, his chick mouth quivering and his bobble head bouncing around all over his shoulders. Date over. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">The Emergence of One-F-Jef</font></strong><br/><br/>It's taken 7 weeks but here he comes! Perpetual teenager, <strong>One-F-Jef</strong>, lands the last one-on-one and starts his kick for the finish. Jef has been, at best, a dark horse to this point, and one I can't explain even in those terms. But he comes out front and center tonight, and I certainly can't <em>begin</em> to explain that. What's between these two completely escapes me. Emily is a 26 year-old single mom genetic marvel and Jef is...er, a perpetual teenager with a bad hairdo and the body of an 8 year-old boy. But here he sits and I must now officially brand him a player. Jef made big moves tonight and there is something undeniably sweet between he and Emily, I'm just not sure what. They go first to a marionette shop and play with puppets. Uh, it actually looked like fun and I can't believe I'm writing that but these two sold it. Must be their chemistry together. They play with two dolls as their avatars and Jef drops an Love-Bomb as the voice of the marionette but then drop the "Like" bomb when he speaks as himself. They go into a library that's painted like the Sistine chapel and put on a puppet show that I should rip to shreds, but it was actually sweet. Then they lay on the library floor and make out a lot. Never saw this coming. Date over <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">Let's Whine to the Finish Line </font></strong><br/><br/> <br/><br/>The boys come clattering up to the rose ceremony location in some antique cars and we begin a thirty minute <strong>Bobble Head </strong>meltdown. In between Chris crying and telling the boys he needs to talk with Emily, Harrison is called out yet again so Emily can tell him her mind is already made up and she needs no extra time. John Wolf decides it time to Overrate himself like Ryan and Chris goes completely to pieces. Harrison lines them up and Emily finally wears royal blue and it's all her. <br/><br/><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5" style="font-weight: bold; ">Already Safe: </font><font class="Apple-style-span" size="4"><strong>Sean the Genetic Marvel: </strong>Player</font><br/><br/> <br/><br/><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5"><strong>Roses</strong></font>:<br/><br/>1) <strong>One-F-Jef</strong>: the race is joined at last. Player<br/><br/>2) <strong>Race Car Arie</strong>: forgiven or not: Player<br/><br/> <br/><br/>Harrison staggers in looking like he ran a marathon this week, and counts ONE. <br/><br/> <br/><br/>Chris, who has been standing there like a whore in church, fidgeting wildly, tapping his foot so violently that I expected his bobble head to tumble off his shoulders and come to a stop in front of Emily, finally breaks in, "Emily I need to talk with you!"<br/><br/>She leads him away where he apologizes for acting like a spoiled brat all episode. Frankly, if there didn't need to be 4 hometown dates to film, this guy was toast. <br/><br/> <br/><br/>They re-enter, but Harrison is simply too exhausted to reset them, so they just line up.<br/><br/>3) <strong>Bobble Head Chris</strong>: NOT a player. Orgasms in his pants afterwards anyway. Idiot. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong>Dumped: John Wolf</strong>. Manages to exit without cursing and for one of the only times this season, departs without crying or embarrassing himself. Maybe we need more indifferent guys. <br/><br/> <br/><br/>Next week: hometowns and Chris will finally get dumped anyway. <br/><br/> <br/><br/> <br/><br/> <br/><br/> <br/><br/> <br/><br/> <br/><br/> <br/><br/> <br/><br/>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-20447740538892292952012-06-20T18:40:00.001-07:002012-06-20T18:40:06.219-07:00Emily week 6--The Beautiful Highlands of Scot...er, Croatia!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFa09jqPk-Da3asH3zyI4RTZi55HsWPui0qx3JUn7NasTeezoH3QZGWeDMQlutr9BgEy36Cn1UKvrQAOzJBVZ5VpqKOfWoxWEg9ZpQcPj7485rpSa65Yq1R8Y8Ay52lOZcE2BYbDUnhc_h/s768/Photo%252520Jun%2525209%25252C%2525202012%25252011%25253A42%252520AM.jpg" target="_blank" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><font class="Apple-style-span" size="6" face="Helvetica"><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">Vacation Calls</font></strong></font></div> Greeting friends. This week the Captain joins you from the balmy coast of Florida, where the Wench Queen requested he put into port in a very low, meek voice. The meat cleaver she had in her hand had no bearing upon my decision to drop anchor either. Anyway, as part of being a good husband, we vacation together in the tropics, but that won't stop Bachelorette watching nor will it stop me from blasting it. Emily must date on, therefore I must follow her to the end of the Earth (or the Balkans anyway) to pester both her and the remaining men who vie for her hand. Notably absent will be her daughter, Ricki-tick, who is back in Charlotte minding their free house and terrorizing her free nanny. <br/><br/><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFa09jqPk-Da3asH3zyI4RTZi55HsWPui0qx3JUn7NasTeezoH3QZGWeDMQlutr9BgEy36Cn1UKvrQAOzJBVZ5VpqKOfWoxWEg9ZpQcPj7485rpSa65Yq1R8Y8Ay52lOZcE2BYbDUnhc_h/s768/Photo%252520Jun%2525209%25252C%2525202012%25252011%25253A42%252520AM.jpg" target="_blank" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFa09jqPk-Da3asH3zyI4RTZi55HsWPui0qx3JUn7NasTeezoH3QZGWeDMQlutr9BgEy36Cn1UKvrQAOzJBVZ5VpqKOfWoxWEg9ZpQcPj7485rpSa65Yq1R8Y8Ay52lOZcE2BYbDUnhc_h/s500/Photo%252520Jun%2525209%25252C%2525202012%25252011%25253A42%252520AM.jpg" id="blogsy-1340242772996.9768" class="alignleft" alt="" width="500" height="667"></a></div> <font class="Apple-style-span" size="5"><strong>Meanwhile</strong></font>, <font class="Apple-style-span" size="5"><strong>Somewhere in Central Europe </strong></font><br/><br/>Things start this geographically challenged episode with Emily wandering around the Balkans spelling out her certainty and confusion about the men who remain. She means to figure out the ones she's unsure about. Which means she's about to chop a few heads off. She wanders the city as the boys make a harbor side entrance to pay back the Dubrovnik Chamber of Commerce for footing the bill for this weeks episode. The boys justifiably ohhhh and ahhh about the beauty of the place and <strong>One-F-Jef </strong>demonstrates that bouffant-haired skater dudes know dick about Central European geography (and much else I would assume) by staring at the fortress that guards Dubrovnik harbor and wistfully noticing that “it looks just like a castle...” You don't say? Do they need to put a giant sign on the turrets, battlements, and drawbridge that says “<u><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5"><em>This be castle!”</em> </font></u>to help out nitwit Americans? Anyway, the boys have just finished whining about how they all need the one-on-one date of the week when in walks Emily. She hands <strong>Frohawk Travis</strong> the date card and hastily departs like Harrison gave her lessons. Travis calls his own name to go look for love "beyond the walls". The geniuses all furrow caveman brows and wonder what this cryptic clue could mean. Uhhh, I'm just guessing here <em>Mensa</em>, but I'm betting a castle might be involved since we saw hundreds of them in the intro. It also appears that the newly single Harrison must have gone on a post-divorce bender and was totally absent. I barely noticed. Hey Fleiss, save a half million year; your palooka stagehand could do the job for less and Siri could do it for free. True, true, computers are not yet cheesy enough I guess. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">The Frohawk Gets Trimmed</font></strong><br/><br/> <br/><br/>Frohawk meets Emily by the harbor with an Mississippian bleat of his hayseed voice and the two 'necks from Mississippi/West Virginia head off into the medieval fortress city of Dubrovnik. They don't make it five feet before they wander inside a (guess?) castle. Man, I'm good. Anyway, she leads him around the city playing tour guide and Fleiss and Co. finally decide to just let her read facts from the <em>Michelin Guide</em> instead of trying to convince us that Emily has a doctorate in World Cultures. They happen upon some tourist trap device called “The Balancing Stone.” Emily tells him that his ability to balance up there while undressing is what will determine his fate in love. Isn't that sweet? Who knew those feisty Croatians had such a streak of romance in them? When not busy defending themselves from, or trying to kill Serbians, Bosnia Herzegovinians and god knows who else, they must be poets. Anyway, the poor dumb stone that Fleiss has created for this stunt stares up at Travis, who mounts it and promptly falls off. Emily pretty much props him up on the rock but Travis quickly bails without peeling off his checked shirt. Emily scowls, “I'm bummed. I was wondering what was under that shirt and I thought I have him the perfect set up." She did. Frohawk boy, you're a douche. Truthfully though, I think Travis has spent too much time around <strong>Overrated Ryan, Dug</strong>, and the rest of the steroid gang and was afraid to take his shirt off and show off his averageness. Now for your musical interlude for the entire evening.They wander down an ally where some dude in a red fez is sawing away on a three-stringed instrument that was somewhere in between a fiddle and a bass, but it's at this moment that I realize that something weird has been going on: as Emily and Travis wander Dubrovnik I realize I've been hearing <em>Irish music</em> the entire time. Huh? Did Fleiss loose his atlas? Is that dude in the fez the sum total of Croatian folk music? Just weird. And it will get weirder. But before weirdness sets in totally, Emily and Frohawk go to dinner and waste about 15 broadcast minutes that came down to one central theme: <u>Travis is friend card material</u>. Period. Emily hems and haws for 10 minutes to get there but she makes it. Travis shrugs it off and mans up like John Wayne. Heheh, I'm kidding. Travis sits in front of the camera and explodes like an estrogen bomb. <em>Buzzzz</em>! Damnit Harrison, will you get your ass out of the cocktail lounge and get these guys a guidebook? They keep blowing up and melting down and there's no balcony railings anywhere in sight. Clear violation. Anyway, Travis walks away in the rain with an umbrella and bawls...just like the <em>Morton Salt Girl</em>. Oh that's right. SHE wasn't crying. Puke. Date over <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">The Croatian Highlands! </font></strong><br/><br/> <br/><br/>Emily meets her groups daters--<strong>Genetic Marvel Sean, John Wolf, Bobble Head Chris, Dug!, Arie the Racer, and One-F-Jef</strong>--to do a product placement for a new Pixar movie called <em>Brave</em>; as in Pixar owned by Disney who owns ABC. In other words a commercial disguised as a date. Anyway, some Pixar-generated Scotsgirl decides to win an archery contest so she can marry herself or whatever. Very inspiring. And since it's a movie about Scottish self-love, Emily tells the turds at the conclusion of the movie that they will be competing in Highland Games, just like in Scotland. Except they're in Croatia. Which makes sense. Unless it doesn't. Whatever, the boys all dress in kilts and sleeveless black shirts and march out to bagpipe music. Emily insists its got Croatian flavor anyway because Croats ride into battle on donkeys so the boys get to climb aboard a burro in their kilts and get a donkey spine rammed up their sphincters. Damn, I'll bet the Dubrovnik Chamber of Commerce is pissed--<em>forward brave men of Croatia; once more into battle in your kilts and having your rectum wrecked by a donkey spine while a Scot plays Bonnie Scotland on his bagpipe!</em> I think this is known as culture rape, Disney style. Anyway, they finally dismount and hobble around like they've just been sodomized by a herd of bull elephants. Once the pains in their rectums subside, let the games begin! It begins with <strong>Bobble Head Chris</strong> predicting his own greatness at being a faux Scotsman. Naturally, this means he will be laughable, and he is. They begin with archery and editing makes everyone look like Robin Hood except Chris--who poses, draws and releases like Maid Marion. On a bad day. The arrow arcs about ten feet and misses the target. The others all laugh at him. Up next is some kind of log toss. Chris, after his pathetic effort on archery, volunteers to lead things off and he hefts the log about 5 feet. All the other guys toss it fairly well except 110 pound, <strong>One-F-Jef</strong>, who staggered around and looked like the log would fall on top of him and crush him. That led to <strong>Genetic Marvel Sean</strong>, who fired the log so far that it broke on impact. Emily almost lost her breath, "I admit, that was damned impressive." and so it was. Up next was a contest where the men sit facing each other, foot to foot, with a stick between them and each tries to pull the other toward them or the stick out of their hand. Emily draws Chris first and he picks <strong>Dug</strong>! Dug quickly yanks Chris airborne with minimal effort. The contest ends when Sean yanked Dug up and almost over his head. As a reward, Emily hands out the Bravery Cup to...Chris? It's an award for being a spaz? Maybe I need to look up the word “bravery” again. Anyway, now that every guy gets to see that Emily will faint if they try and sign their son up for football or anything that's icky competitive, or they actually keep score, or where there's no “almost winners”, darkness falls. <br/><br/> <br/><br/>As the sun sets, they all head to a beautiful place on the edge of the water so she can take her favorites aside, starting with Sean. She reassures him a hundred times over what a genetic marvel he is, but the kisses between these two seem tepid. Next up is Race car Arie and there is nothing tepid going on here. This guy face rapes her every time he's near her and she certainly puts up no fights. Later, he will take a producer prompt and go spend time alone with her after she finishes off <strong>Overrated Ryan</strong>. No question, this guy is a front runner. While Arie is ramming his tongue into Emily's stomach, back at the resort, Overrated Ryan sits all alone with just enough room in the suite for his body and ego and gets his own date card. Predicting he will be the golden boy of the universe as usual, Ryan goes and cuts some douchy carvings into his douchy beard, to be ready. While Ryan is busy loving on himself, we switch back to the party where Emily decides to award the date rose to <strong>Bobble Head Chris</strong> to go with <em>Spastic Performance Cup</em> or whatever it was. Chris purses his chick mouth, grins in a self-satisfied and slightly gay manner, and giggles so hard I'm waiting for his bobble head to fall off his unathletic shoulders. We didn't see Sean and Arie look at each other and smirk, but we could have. With the numbers dwindling, Chris is now verging on suit-filler territory here. Date over. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">Ryan Goes From Overrated to Vastly Overrated</font></strong><br/><br/> <br/><br/>Next up, Emily decides it's time to dump the last remaining douche on the show: <strong>Overrated Ryan</strong>. Frankly I'm too exhausted from watching this hydrogen head tell me how wonderful and blessed he is so I'm not re-watching it just to write this. Suffice it to say that Ryan ambled around looking like an Elvis Impersonator like he always does and presented Emily with a list of demands he requires in a wife and kept calling her a “trophy wife”. True, Emily came out for dinner in a gold dress and when you combine that with her blonde hair, veneered teeth, spray-tanned bod and surgically enhanced bust,she did look like Hugh Hefner's bowling trophy, but the label was stupid, arrogant and uncalled for, just like Ryan. Finally, she dumps him. This is where things got interesting. Ryan, in total disbelief that anyone would dump him, practically bullied her into changing her mind. Kudos to Emily for holding firm. In the van ride of shame, Ryan even has the stones to ask the film crew to edit him fairly and not like an arrogant douche. Yeah, right. You might as well stand out on the beach, hold your arms up and beg the tide not to come in. Date, and my sour stomach from watching this arrogant wad, over. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5"><strong>Delaying the Inevitable</strong></font>. <br/><br/> <br/><br/>At the cocktail party, Emily predicts doom for <strong>John Wolf</strong> and <strong>Dug</strong>. That was different. They rarely how us the leads thoughts before the roses come. But actually there's a reason: both guys survive. With John Wolf, it just takes dropping his wall a bit, managing not to cuss, and pulling out the funeral cards of his dead grandparents. Wow, good thing Emily didn't require seeing the bodies. Wolf gets all deep and morbid, and then he chokes up and bawls, proving he's more emotional (if not more interesting) than a bag of brick mortar. True, no balcony railing in sight but he gets a free pass on the buzzer for talking about dead relatives. <strong>Dug</strong>, the hot-tempered absent father, won't be so lucky. After spending weeks presenting Emily the perfect front while barely concealing his explosive temper with the men, Emily finally corners him and all but demands he start making some moves on her. Dug looks ready to pass out with fear. He's spent 6 weeks avoiding her like he's gay, but with enough pushing, he finally mans up and stops acting like a virgin. Feeling more secure, he goes off to talk to the camera and explodes like another estrogen bomb, presumably about the kid he's ignoring to be here trying to ignore Emily. <em>Buzz</em>! No free pass for you, <em>Nancy</em>. No balcony, no balls, no personality. Harrison finally makes an appearance and puts cheese knife to champagne glass calling off the party in Croatia. I was expecting him to come in playing the bagpipes. Shame. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">Roses</font></strong>: <br/><br/> <br/><br/>Already safe: <strong>Bobble Head Chris. </strong><br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">Flowers</font></strong>:<br/><br/>1) <strong>Sean the Genetic Marvel</strong>--will you please do something--anything-but smile confidently? Who are you anyway?<br/><br/>2) <strong>One-F-Jef</strong>--"Jef, can I see your ID before I give you this rose?" A true boy among men, but who knows? <br/><br/>3) <strong>Race Car Arie</strong>--doesn't mouth rape her--amazing<br/><br/>Harrison smirks his way into the room, counts one, and departs. <br/><br/>Emily now shows how bad an actress she is. After stewing around in badly performed false angst, she turns and wordlessly leaves the room. She hunts down Harrison, who is busy in a back alley trying to pick up some chick, and we see a highly planned, poorly edited, and abysmally acted scene where Harrison gets to make like my pet parrot: “<em>Caw-- There are no rules--caw!"</em> After trying to bait us (and the two remaining bozos) Emily tells the men that she can't hand out the last rose. Harrison then smarms his way into the room with two more roses and she flowers both guys, delaying their executions for one more week. Damn good thing Dug doesn't miss his kid too much. <br/><br/> <br/><br/><strong><font class="Apple-style-span" size="5">Next week</font></strong>: Arie gets caught for screwing a producer in the past or something. See ya then! <br/><br/> <br/><br/>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-75313957456131215772012-06-12T19:32:00.002-07:002012-06-12T19:32:18.637-07:00Emily: Week 5--Typhoid Emily<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Is it Groucho Time? </h3>
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Reports are appearing in the tabloids and from spoiler king Reality Steve Carbone that <b>Groucho Roberto Martinez</b> has swallowed some Fleiss Kool-Aide and agreed to become the next Bachelor. Might not be true, but probably is. The guy is a Star. It's a great coup for the Fleissmonster if true. Personally, I'm already beefing up my Marx Brothers photo library, writing down a bunch of cheap .5 cent cigar jokes, and scanning my thesaurus for relief pitcher ideas meaning "shelled" as in: <i>"they put him in in the 7th inning and he got shelled!"</i> I'll keep you updated. But first, it's recap time.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Merry Olde London:</h3>
The Bachelorette leaves the Americas this week and heads out to the Old World. This week your Captain follows the gang to the haunts and history of England, and I see I'm not the only one. Week 2 of <i>Ricki's Free Vacation</i> is in full stride as Emily takes her little tyke sight seeing around London to greet us. After touring Big Ben, along with Kensington and Buckingham palaces, the Maynards speed around London on a double decker bus and Emily fails to drop about a hundred mentions of Harry Potter to her daughter; proving that Exectuive Producer, Mike Fleiss, has enough money to sue Reality Steve but not enough to pay J.K. Rowling, or that since Emily is from North Carolina, little Ricki is clueless on the topic because stories about "good" witches and other witchcraft are strictly <i>verboten</i>. Or both. Anyway, Harrison is seen haunting Trafalgar Square as the meatheads all come running up to him. Wearing a jacket and and yet another purple accoutrement--a ridiculous-looking ascot--Harrison cheerfully informs the meatheads of the date line-up: 2, one-on-one dates and one, pitifully unfunny group date. He also tries his familiar Dark Jedi mind tricks again, "Only one of you will become Emily's husband; yeah, I said it!" as if all ten of the guys had rolled their eyes when he said it instead of the pasted on smiles we were shown. The boys all dismiss to the Mayfair Hotel to laugh their asses off in private as Harrison stomps off to the nearest public house to get rip roaring on Guinness and the ghost of Lord Horatio Nelson can be heard cursing the British Government that they allowed Chris Harrison to cheese up his triumphal square.<br />
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As the boys hit the suite, <b>John Wolf</b> finds a date card hiding on a table and manages to read it without cussing: <i>"Sean, love takes no prisoners…and neither do my germs. Emily."</i> And with that, <b>Genetic Marvel Sean</b> is called out to test his immune system. Seems that Emily has caught an awful-sounding bug showing Ricki around London and by the time the Marvel reaches her she is starting to sound very throaty. Before he can get to her though, we hear from the no one-on-one remainders: <b>One-F-Jef, Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer</b>, and <b>Kay-Lynn</b>, about how much they wanted those germs. Kay-Lynn, who will be a bitch the entire night, sounds grumpy from the get go, and Jef and his awful beehive hairdo lets it be known that doom awaits the dateless (<i>cough: Alejandro</i>). Emily greets Sean's Marvelousness in Hyde Park and they tour London on Ricki's old double decker bus. Sean demonstrates he knows absolutely nothing about London, but can cheese it up with the best of them: "London's calling, and you know what? I'm going to answer." Uh-huh. You don't know that Big Ben is a clock but you know Edward R. Murrow's tagline from during the blitz? Just show us the cue card why don't ya, Fleiss. Anyway, they ride around on the bus and Sean proves he's lost without his smartphone. Emily makes like an English Tour Guide and bores him by showing him the royal palaces where Charles and Diana's travesty began and where Kate kissed William more recently. Sean, meathead that he is, stares blankly at her and clearly wants to ask: "Who's William?" but he doesn't. He insists they get a photo of them kissing and he gets his first chance to sample the raging infection growing in her mouth. After a brief interlude where Kay-Lynn is allowed to act like an asshat to set up Emily's explosion later, we see she's taken Sean back to Hyde Park where she quizzes him on his dating history. He cops to one date four or five months ago but it never went on because "she definitely didn't have the qualities I was looking for." These qualities are never revealed naturally. Sean comes across as a milquetoast good guy but we aren't shown anything but his marvelous genetics. They then wander over to a park bench which local cranks usually frequent to predict the end of the world or the next Jewish conspiracy or whatever, and Sean climbs up and launches a boring soliloquy about love. Fleiss dubs out the part where the cranks are screaming at him "kill the Jews!" and "the end is nigh!" Thrilling.<br />
<br />
When we return, darkness has fallen and Emily leads Sean into the Tower of London where they are greeted by a Beefeater guard who looked a lot like Paul McCartney's chubby uncle. The Beefeater leads them into the Tower where instead of an ax and chopping block, a lovely dinner has been left out for them. Emily lets Sean know that Henry VIII used to lock up his wives in that Tower and even lopped a few noggins off. Sean looks terrified! No, he doesn't, but if he had any sense he'd be sitting back away from her and her funk; Emily's voice is now little more than a hoarse whisper. Proving he knows as much about <i>Germ Theory </i>as he does about Big Ben, Sean fearlessly dives into conversation and kissing with her. Emily manages to croak out her fears that he is a divorced scoundrel with seven kids. While Emily tries not to collapse into her plate, back at the Mayfair, the group date card has arrived. <b>Overrated Ryan</b> reads <b>"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…Emily".</b> Hmm. Looks like being sick has magically changed Emily's handwriting. Whatever. The Shakespearean missive delivered, all the meatheads stare at each other like apes trying to use a computer and try and decode this confusing message. After concluding it has something to do with some English Queen named Shakestoor or something, Overrated Ryan reads out the names of: <b>Bobble Head Chris, Arie the Racer, Overrated Ryan</b> his own self<b>, Dug the Ticking Timebomb of Fury, Alejandro not the Allesandro, Frohawk Travis, John Wolf</b> (who promptly curses), and <b>Kay-Lynn the disgruntled bottle of Summer's Eve</b>. That means perpetual 8 year old, <b>One-F-Jef</b>, scores the last one-on-one.<br />
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Back at the Tower meanwhile, Emily decides it time to drop the bomb that she has a six year old daughter to Sean. Wow, the guy may be a meathead, but he has been around the last 5 weeks Emily. Do they have you on <i>NyQuil</i>; the old original Green Death flavor kind? It must be because she goes on to tell him she wants to be pregnant yesterday. She begins this first date bomb with the preamble, "I don't mean to rush things…" Hey Harrison, can't you get Fleiss to give one more production day here? Your Bachelorette must have a high fever. If a suitor had suggested such a thing, or a bachelorette talking to the Bachelor, we'd all call for the guys in white coats and butterfly nets to haul this person away. Sean, who paid no heed to her threats that they were eating in Henry the VIII's old dungeon, starts to squirm in terror. Emily presses ahead regardless, "How many children do you want?" Sean dances away, "I haven't put much thought to it." She presses for a big number and he relents, "I'm open-minded--two, six, ten." No, you haven't put much thought to it, have you Sean? Emily could care less. She grins at his amazing genetic code and tells us, "I couldn't imagine anyone being more perfect of a husband than Sean." Looks has nothing to do with it, folks. Unsurprisingly, out comes the rose and she all but staples it onto him. They hang out by London Bridge and Sean tries to prove that no damn virus is gonna' scare him by sucking her sick face off. Date over.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Stratford-Upon-Avon</h3>
We now see Emily greet the group date meatheads in Stratford-Upon-Avon and tells them that <i>Romeo and Juliet </i>is on the menu. The boys' faces all twist in disgust. "Don't get too scared," Emily tries to calm them. ""I did bring three Shakespeare experts." From the sound of her, she should have brought three infectious disease experts instead. Like these meatheads would care anyway. I can just imagine Overrated Ryan looking confused asking "Infec-what experts?" Nevermind. A couple of old English biddies who know all about Shakespeare come in to watch these chunkheads butcher the Bard. The focus spot is presumptive favorite, <b>Arie the Racer</b>, who pretty much drops a deuce at the thought of having to act. The boys all read Romeo's lines off a card and all are universally awful. <b>Frohawk Travis</b> hams it up with his interpretation of Romeo from Sweetwater Oklahoma. Inspiring. All the boys wallow around except for <b>Kay-Lynn</b>, who tries to read the lovelines of Romeo Montague but does it with so much vengeful intensity he sounds more like a gay Buford Puser. Anyway, the old birds pick <b>Kay-Lynn, Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer, John Wolf, Overrated Ryan, </b>and <b>Kay-Lynn</b> to all play Romeo. The worst two: <b>Dug the Absent Father</b>, and <b>Racer Arie</b> get picked to play nurses in drag. They ham around screeching in female voices like it's a Monty Python gag and Dug even grabs hold of another guy and kisses his cheek with his five o'clock shadow like it's a Benny Hill skit. Arie, who looked better than most drag queens in his dress came off as dense as a tire iron. "Poultice? What's a poultice?" Good lord. I thought the Dutch had a good education system. This guy has been in the States too long and we've dumbed him up. I'm guessing race driver college is the only University Arie has attended. Regardless, the final love scene commences and <b>Overrated Ryan</b> seems to think his ego is an adequate shield to viruses as he basically forces himself on a Emily's Juliet like she was a drunk college freshman. It will be fun to go and see this guy when he finally settles on his chosen profession of an Elvis impersonator performing at county fairs. Anyway, once the acting stops, we come to the main drama of the evening.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Emily Goes All West Virginia Hillbilly on Kay-Lynn.</h3>
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Once Emily gets the boys to the restaurant, the men all start grousing about comments we are told <b>Kay-Lynn</b> made about Ricki being "baggage." I smelled a rat at once because we never saw Kalon make the comments, but when confronted by <b>Dug</b>, he does indeed admit to the comments and won't apologize. Dug sees his chance and goes and plays Rat and tattles on Kalon. Emily comes to a fast boil and even with her voice 90% gone, she shows off her West Virginia roots: "I want to rip his limbs off and beat him bloody with them!" She marches into the common room and confronts him. Ar first Kalon admits the comments and then lamely tries to defend himself. Emily finally blows up and orders him to get the fuck out. As Kalon exits and continues to wonder at his own marvelousness, Emily storms around and heads out for a walk. She returns and then hammers the boys for not telling her about the comments sooner. Frankly, this had me confused. First of all, it's a proven fact on this show that any contestant who attempts to rat out another is instantly dismissed for focusing on other people and not the lead, and secondly, when were they supposed to tell her? I was waiting for Dug to object when she refused to hand out the rose. "Hey, I ratted the guy out to you!" But no dice. Even presumptive favorite Arie now thinks he's a goner for not lynching Kalon. The bigger question: Is Ricki baggage? From some points of view, of course she is, but that term is loaded with negative connotations and Kalon certainly should have known better. But that's not important for two reasons: one, Kalon frequently used loaded code words in a variety of contexts these past five weeks and this was undoubtedly why he was brought on, and second: Kay-Lynn is a <i>Ko-Lynn</i>, so who cares? Anyway, Emily stays pissed, withdraws the rose, and vows to go home and make her daughter sick instead. Date over.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
One-F-Jef Makes His Move…Finally!</h3>
Emily, despite her disappointment, goes on the next day to meet <b>One-F-Jef</b> in a park. After watching her lock up with <b>Overrated Ryan, Gentic Marvel Sean, </b>and<b> Arie</b>, Jef looks like an 8 year old boy whose mother cuts his hair. Bizarre. But Emily sure seems to dig the guy. They start out with a fake, forced interlude with some uppity English etiquette specialist named Jean. Jean is a highly scripted pain in the ass. The whole scene was a highly scripted pain in the ass as well. They act like Jean needs to visit the shitter and then these two slip out the second she leaves. They slip away to a local pub to sip beer and eat fish and chips and let Jef insist to Emily that he was the one Kay-Lynn made the Ricki comments to. Jef goes on and on assuring her how he stood up for her and basically told Kalon to take a hike. Jef comes across like he's been taking <i>Mr. Perfect</i> lessons from Dug, but Jef sells it to Emily and it's obvious how into this guy she is. Weird, but it seems real anyway. They go and eat on the London Eye and float above the city while he butters her up pretty good. He fluffs her but waits until the Eye is landing before he moves in for a kiss. She roses him as they land and he finally moves in outside the Eye besides the Thames and gets his share of germs. This guy might be a dark horse; we'll see. Date over.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Cocktail Quickie</h3>
Emily arrives at the party and spends her time plastering guys for not ratting Kay-Lynn out quick enough. The guys all retreat and get nervous as she presses to find out why they didn't stand up for her. Arie gets slapped down for it and thinks he's really in trouble. <b>Overrated Ryan</b> gets his moment to ham it up and starts to slither under Emily's skin, despite the fact that she knows better. Portents for the future? Sean, who was on the one-on-one when the Kalon incident happened, gets to butter her up and make out with her. This guy is a major player, no doubt.<br />
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Harrison wanders in with the cheeseknife and champagne glass and calls it off.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Dump 'Em Hillbilly!</h3>
Roses:<br />
Already Safe: <b>One-F-Jef, Sean the Genetic Marvel.</b><br />
<br />
1) <b>Dug the Rat</b>--Rewarded for tattling. That's a first for this show.<br />
2) <b>Overrated Ryan</b>--future Elvis Impersonator<br />
3) <b>Bobble Head Chris</b>--quiet week.<br />
4) <b>John Wolf</b>--manages not to cuss and sent a shout out to my man Ames by wearing some embarrassing red drawers.<br />
5) <b>Frohawk Travis</b>--Oklahoma's finest Shakespearean actor--not!<br />
<br />
Harrison wanders in <i>"Gentleman, Emily; it's the final rose tonight. Excuse me while I go and find something purple for next week…when you're ready."</i><br />
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6) <b>Arie the Racer</b>--so much for drama. Arie versus <b>Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer</b>? Try harder, Fleiss.<br />
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Next week: It looked like Emily was storming up to Harrison to demand the behind the scenes info on these guys. Ha Ha! Seriously Emily? On to Croatia.<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-8459099330488992752012-06-05T19:35:00.000-07:002012-06-06T14:03:36.650-07:00Emily: Week 4--Bermuda Schwartz<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Scottish Mormon? A Cub Scout Gone Horribly Wrong? Nope, it's One-F-Jef.</td></tr>
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Quite an adventure this week as Emily and her meathead's fly out of Charlotte for the sun and storms on the Caribbean Island of Bermuda. Naturally little Ricki is in tow, as we are constantly reminded, but fortunately they keep it to a minimum. But what stood out this week was not the islands turquoise-blue water or gorgeous white sand beaches; no what stood out was Emily's continuing drive to impress with her toughness, down-to-earth humor, and good old fashioned, southern common sense. But she was joined by a contestant who launched one of the great fashion disasters in the history of this show. <b>One-F-Jef</b>, a guy who seems to want to scream: <i>Look at me! I'm different! I'm off-center! For god's sake, pay attention to me!</i> decided the moment was right to try and match Bermuda shorts with knee-high, baby-blue socks and a suit coat. It's pretty bad when homeless bums who frequent the undersides of bridge overpasses, think you're a fashion disaster. Well at least he stood out. But before he incites me to laugh my balls off, <b>Harrison</b> appears like the <i>Lucky Charms </i>leprechaun that he is and sets the fashion disaster tone with some rolled up sleeves of the most pimp-like purple. He also laid out the date line up. Turns out this week will have two, 1-on-1 dates and one of the dreaded <i>2-on-1-somebody-needs-to-get-his-ass-lost</i>-date. The meatheads all groan as Harrison drops their first date card and vanishes like water vapor. <b>Arie the Racer</b> grabs the note and reads it to single daddy, <b>Dug!</b>, who's ready to sound like <i>Mr. Perfect</i>…when he's not on the verge of exploding with rage.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Dug's Too-Good-To-Be-True-Canned Answers</h3>
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Doug spends the first few minutes of his triumph working himself up into a tizzy about how he's gonna' get dumped. Arie, sensing Doug's unease and the fact that this guy has got some roid-rage going on, proceeds to needle the guy until Dug is about ready to wring Arie's neck. As a storm blows in, Dug sits in the suites living room stewing in his juices while the other guys hammer him and he goes off like a Tourette's case. Emily comes strolling in while Dug stands up on the verge of tearing Arie's throat out. Emily stares around in confusion and finally lets Dug walk her out. Arie rags him in a P.I.: <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Dug was like the Hulk! Dug angry, Dug smash!"</span> Not bad for a European car racer. Once out and about, Dug holds the temper and proceeds to activate the <i>cheese</i>. The guy spends the entire day feeding Emily loads of his relentless sunshine bit. Let's do a quiz, Reader; Dug is:<br />
<b>A) Cheesy</b><br />
<b> B) Furious!</b><br />
<b> C) Dull</b><br />
If you guessed <b>D) All of the Above</b>, you win. About halfway through the date Emily starts to sense she's being BSed. He tells her he started a charity. "Of course you did!" Oh, Emily, you are making my heart swell with your sarcasm. They wander around shopping until Emily walks him to some tourist trap of dubious credibility called the "Moon Gate", where couples make wishes. They hold hands and march thru and…nothing. It's not nothing to Dug though, "That's awesome!" Yeah, walking under an arch, hot stuff.<br />
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Meanwhile, back at the meat locker, a date card arrives and <b>Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer </b>reads, "Lets set sail on the sea of love." and calls out <b>Charlie Knieval</b>, <b>Overrated Ryan</b>, <b>Bobble Head Chris</b>, <b>One-F-Jef</b>, <b>Sean the Genetic Marvel</b>, <b>Race Car Arie</b>, <b>Frohawk Travis</b>, and <b>Kay-Lynn.</b> The leaves four guys behind; two for the 2-on-1 and two for being ignored.<br />
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Back at the "date", Dug continues to slather on the BS. He insists his last girlfriend dumped him because he spent too much with his son and his failure to wash her car well enough. Emily's nose wrinkles at all the BS. "He's hiding something from me; aways gives me the perfect answer." She tries to fish him out but he won't budge. Finally, he turns the tables on her well enough to get the rose, but this guy doesn't stand a chance. Rose anyway.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Hamilton Yacht Club</h3>
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The boys all arrive down at the docks and find out they're going sailing. As usual, the sailing is actually a competition; the boys are broken into two teams: Yellow and Red. The Yellows--<b>Arie the Racer, One-F-Jef, Kay-Lynn, </b>and<b> Overrated Ryan </b>get off to a slow start as the Red--made up almost solely of meatheads--<b>Bobble Head Chris, Charlie Knieval, Genetic Marvel Sean, </b>and<b> Frohawk Travis</b>, seem to think that sailing consists of cranking jibs and lowering sails faster than anyone else and that means you win. Uh, no. Sailing means tacking at the right time and stealing the wind from the other guy. The Yellows do exactly that and scream past the meatheads. A final turn move by the Reds nearly saves the day but the Yellow captain tacks again at exactly the right moment and Yellow wins easily. The losers are packed off and Charlie Knieval is made to look like he's crying? Really? Anyway, the Bachelor staff, including the fat <i>Palooka Stagehand</i>, go on high alert to contain the horny Red losers in the hotel suite so they don't slip away and join <b>Harrison</b> in the Resorts lounge picking up chicks.The Yellows get to follow Emily to the beach lounge where they kick back around the pool with the remnants of some tropical disturbance blowing and Overrated Ryan quickly toasts Emily as a "trophy wife." Arie thinks this shows Ryan's "true colors." If it does, then Ryan's true colors are shitbrown and nothing else. This is just the beginning of a long night of Ryan sounding like <b>Greaseball Wes Hayden</b>, without the talent or charm. Arie grabs Emily and takes her out onto the windy beach so they can make out a bunch. Next up is One-F-Jef, who survived the terrible injury of having his finger boo-booed on the boat. Frankly, I got more concerned when I saw him cranking the jib and mistook his wind-blown hair for an escaped beaver attacking his head, but whatever. Jef sits her down on the beach, and comes across as all genuine. He sells pretty good as the wind makes his hair attack him and bemoans he only gets group dates. Emily kisses his boo-boo for him but that's the only kissing going on. Jef plays hard to get and Emily sure seems to like being the chaser. Weird. Overrated Ryan now hauls her away to flirt with her, drop some moronic sports analogies, and sound completely full of himself. They then head back to the pool where Emily drops the rose on Jef, much to the confusion of Arie…and me. Must be the editing. Fireworks explode. Ryan naturally thinks its all a ruse to keep him from being jealous. Barf.<br />
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<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
The Non-Existent Bermuda Love Triangle</h3>
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Back at the meat locker, the next date card arrives and we hear <b>John Wolf</b> and <b>Pretty Boy Nate </b>get called out to not find love. I'm laughing already. Nate, who has been mute the past three weeks, and John, whose only lines have been bleeped out as he serially cusses himself into oblivion, make two of the least compelling 2-on-1 victims in recent seasons. Emily hauls them to a boat to go sailing in the ocean and film some scenes for the Bermuda Chamber of Commerce. She reads some script to let us know how much she regrets that one guy will get "lost at sea." Nice cheese. Anyway, the boys get dolled up and ride a dinghy out to a boat where Emily awaits. Meanwhile, back at the meat locker, the boys argue about age and maturity…zzzzz. Whatever. <b>Bobble Head Chris</b> gets shirty with<b> Dug </b>because Dug is a pompous, fake ass or whatever. The fight for later staged, we got back to Emily and her two nobodies as they go cliff jumping into the ocean. Emily and her suit fillers hop into the ocean and then she takes them to dinner in some tourist trap cave. The normal awkwardness on these dates abounds, so she splits them up and she takes Pretty Boy Nate aside. Nate actually speaks for the first time but can't even describe his wonderful family without dissolving into a fit of tears. Buzz! Good lord son, crying is only allowed at your wedding, the birth of your child, and at your father's funeral. The guy is still alive and you're seated in a cave next to a totally hot chick…and you're bawling like a baby? You're not allowed to cry on this show unless there's a balcony to collapse over. Nate, there is no such thing as a <i>"Sitting Mesnick"</i>. Get out! Whatever drama the date had ends. Emily sits down with John Wolf and he doesn't cry like a vagina so he wins and will continue to fill his suit for the next week or two as Nate's crying ass is led away. Date over.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Cocktail Party: Bobble Head's Waterloo.</h3>
<br />
The cocktail party consists of<b> Bobble Head Chris</b> getting worked up and arguing with <b>Dug</b> because Dug insinuated he's a youngster or something. <i>Buzz!</i> That's it, Chris loses. I'm serious. When a contestant stops focusing on the Bachelor/ette and is shown focusing on the behavior of another contestant, you can play Taps for them. Shame. I liked Chris, despite his bobbling head and chick mouth. He then worsens the offense by getting time alone with Emily and whining about the other guys too. <i>Bumm-pa-bum!</i> Nice knowing you Chris. Shame we won't be seeing you in the finale. Anyway, <b>Genetic Marvel Sean</b> gets some time alone and Emily flirts shamelessly with his genetic marvelousness. They discuss Ricki and make out while Emily giggles. The guy might be a major player. Mostly though, the party is a chance to showcase <b>Ryan</b> as a self-inflated douchebag. Yeah, we knew that already. But let's be clear: the most entertaining and bizarre thing at the party was <b>One-F-Jef's </b><i>ludicrous </i>outfit--a suit coat with cargo shorts and blue, knee-high socks? He looked like he wanted to appear at a cocktail party for a Scottish Clan discussing Cub Scouts gone horribly wrong before going on a Safari with Marlin Perkins. Worst outfit in the show's history. Is this guy a player? Why?<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Wingman Intercession</h3>
<br />
<b>Fleiss</b> finally sends the <i>Palooka Stagehand</i> down to the lounge to bring <b>Harrison</b> up kicking and screaming to have a sit-down with Emily. They actually have a good talk and Emily continues to sound sincere and SMART. She pegs <b>Dug</b> as a fake and <b>Ryan</b> as a player. She also confirms she likes Jef and Arie and Harrison plugs away while Emily sounds both cautious and bright. Kudos again, Emily.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Dump 'Em Dannette!</h3>
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: left;">
Safe: John Wolf, Dug the Insincere, One-F-Jef.</h4>
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: left;">
Roses:</h4>
1) <b>Sean the Genetic Marvel</b>--Horny Wendy approves<br />
2) <b>Arie the Racer</b>--another player.<br />
3) <b>Frohawk Travis</b>--Who? Didn't recognize him without his dumb egg<br />
4) <b>Bobble Head Chris</b>--like a shot deer, he'll run but not till the end.<br />
5) <b>Overrated Ryan</b>--What was that for? Oh, yeah; Fleiss, you suck.<br />
6) <b>Kay-Lynn</b>--Mercifully silent this week.<br />
<br />
Harrison staggers in, counts one, and staggers out.<br />
<br />
7) <b>Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer</b>--winner of the numbers game and another free trip next week.<br />
<br />
<b>Dumped: </b><br />
<b>Greasy-Haired Michael</b>. Says six times more words in 30 seconds than he has in four weeks. Also cries without a balcony. <i>Buzz!</i> Pussy.<br />
<b>Charlie Knieval</b>: Producers try to make him look like he's crying too, but since he's had a bad head injury, I'll superimpose a balcony beside him and tell Fleiss to kiss my ass.<br />
<br />
Previews: <b>Kay-Lynn</b> speaks again and <b>Dug</b> Rats him out for calling like Ricki "baggage" and we get to hear Emily drop the F-Bomb! All in Merry Olde London. See ya then.</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-23421848024481467822012-05-30T18:31:00.000-07:002012-06-03T14:11:59.493-07:00Emily Week 3: Alessandro Lincoln: Vampire Hunter!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
Well, that was pretty good, wasn't it? Thrilling? No. But pretty good. I'm impressed with Emily. She tossed two dudes out who clearly had had enough of this show, but came across as sincere, picky, and tough. Nothing wrong with that. Is she going to meet her husband here? Uh, no. Emily has been single since…well, her entire life. At 26 she is living in a $450,000 plus house, driving a $50,000 SUV and doing it all with no visible means of income. Yeah, I'm sure she struggles to get dates. My well-deserved cynicism aside, she has represented well and is showing a lot more common sense than most Bachelorettes. Well done, Emily. But before I break my arm patting her on the back, I'd better recap.<br />
<br />
We get the requsiste opening shot of Emily being served breakfast in bed by her doting momma and daughter Ricki hating all over the cameras like a real little girl. Good job, Ricki; tell all those creepy weirdos to get out of your free house. The poor kid.<br />
After seeing momma doting on her little princess, we switch to Harrison greeting the boys outside of Bachelor Pad Dixie dressed in his casual gear and needlessly recounting all the ways you can get booted off the show. He also fills us in on the date lineup--2, one-on-one dates and 1 Group Date--before he drops the date card and races away to test out Charlotte's best golf courses, his work week already half way over. <b>Charlie Knieval </b>bestirs himself and reads off the name of <b>Bobble-Head Chris</b>: "Love is a steady climb." Fear of heights, anyone? Turns out Fleiss read the wrong psychological profile this time. Chris isn't afraid of heights; Emily is. But lacking terror at slowly step-climbing up a building doesn't phase Chris--he's on the <i>Jake Pavelka Cheese Machine Training Course of ridiculously golly-gee overstatement</i>. "Whatever it is, I'm really looking forward to it and honored to be given the opportunity." In a private interview, he purses his little chick mouth and relates breathlessly, "It's my time to shine!If I don't get that rose, I'll be devastated. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world!" Calm down before you injure yourself, Chris.<br />
<br />
Before he hyperventilates, they quick-cut to him walking in the dark with Emily. She gushes about his cuteness and then walks him over to a building for a climbing adventure. They stand at the base of the building and dangle some ropes over the edge so Chris can hammer us with some scripted metaphors from Fleiss's well-thumbed filing cabinet: "Climbing a building is like love. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up, and we're going to end up at the top." And I bitched about the Muppets. Anyway, they use some reverse rappelling equipment I've never seen before, but I think it's equipment specially designed for 80 year-olds. Emily, who appears about as athletic as Courtney Love, manages to slow walk up to the top without even heavy breathing. Couldn't have been too hard. Bobble Head might be a ham with the hyperbole, but he looked damn near bored. So much for quaking with fear; wrong psychological profile, Fleiss. Ha. To stir some drama, Fleiss orders the Special Effects Department to find some lightning flashing about a hundred miles away as they emerge on the buildings roof.<br />
<br />
Once on the roof, the thunderstorm Fleiss hires blows Emily's hair around and she flirts shamelessly with the bobbling headed one…or at least she does until she finds out how old he is. "You're twenty-five?" Gulp. Emily expected him to much older for some reason. This gives her a chance to announce his age to be a "red flag" cause she is a package deal, in case he's been living under a rock by the pool these last few weeks and hasn't heard or wasn't paying attention when she hauled her daughter up onstage to frolic with the Muppets. Actually it's just a chance to segue to the ginned up drama of the evening. We cut to a cell phone call between <b>Fugly Tony</b> and his son. Boo hoo. Very moving. Anyway, back at the rooftop, Chris turns on the charm without his bobble head falling off his shoulders, and Emily gives him the rose. She then leads him to a cordoned off street where some country music dude named,er…I don't remember. But I give the guy credit, he wasn't lip synching, no matter who he was. The twosome dances around and finally Chris earns his cheeseball wings when he kisses her and assures us that kissing her was the "greatest thing in my life!" <i>Son of Pavelka</i>. If he tells us nice guys finish last or that he was known as Mr. Dateless, we may have our new Bachelor. But Emily's future husband? Eh, doubtful. Date over.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Emily's Horny Friends</h3>
<br />
With the Bobble Head safely back at Bachelor Pad Dixie gushing out lines of script to the cameras, Emily heads to a park in Charlotte with her group date gang so they can play with some tykes (to show off their awesome fatherhood skills, don't ya know) and to let her horny, middle-aged girlfriends poke, prod, and grill her beefcakes. Two sensible looking (and acting) brunettes handle the fatherhood questions, while a frumpy Pakistani and a horny, washed-out looking barfly-blond, stick to the sex questions. The blond actually asks the <b>Ostrich Egg</b> dude if he fertilized the egg himself. How come I never get asked questions like that? Anyway, a handful of dudes get asked questions but the 1st Wives Club mostly forces the men to do pushups, dance, and look for other certain clues as to their wonderfulness as husbands and fathers. That is, they did..until <b>Bodybuilder Sean</b> arrives. He walks up and I thought the blond was going to try and rape him. Sean turns as red as a beat as they make him strip down shirtless and act like their personal slaveboy. Blond Wendy gushes that he is a "genetic gift to the world", and then sits on his back while he does shirtless push ups. Why do I get the feeling she wished Sean were facing the other direction? Anyway, her horny friends finished, Emily tosses some cold water on the boys by siccing some tykes on them. They all frolic in the park, but <b>Arena League Ryan </b>decides to break ranks and introduce Emily and her friends to a dose of his undeserved arrogance. He breaks in on their hen talk and lets Emily know that if she ever gets fat, he's gonna' trade her in on a 20 year-old hardbody. Emily doesn't care much for that, and who could blame her. The guy's a personal trainer who used to play Arena League and has a douchy bedhead. Where did the high opinion of himself come from? Confidence is one thing; arrogance quite another. From now on his name is <b>Overrated</b>. You just know this guy was in a college frat that specialized in getting 18 year-old freshman too drunk to resist. What a Tool.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Fugly Tony Dumps Himself</h3>
<br />
As darkness falls, Emily takes the gang to swank place called <i>Butter</i>, and it's here that she fawns on Sean, and where <b>Fugly Tony</b> decides he has no chance with Emily and uses his son as an escape hatch. <b>Sean</b>, who looked like solid gold during the group date, continues to get a shining edit. The guy comes across as earnest, honest, interested in faith, and from a strong family. And he's shredded. Just ask horny Wendy. Next up is <b>Dug!</b>, and his beady eyes, who tells a tale of woe of being abandoned and then spending time in foster homes. It was pretty tough. Emily started crying. He's looking good for the moment. But after the touching stuff, it's time to bore us. Overrated Ryan digs into Fugly Tony and tries to get him all worked up about his kid so he can exit. The next one-on-one card arrives while Tony gets wound up to walk out, and no surprise, the date goes to <b>Racecar Arie.</b> He can hardly wait to jump in front of a camera and launch into some cheesy racing metaphors. "I'm used to things moving fast, but it's been slow so far with Emily. I'm hoping this date really revs things up." Is Arie a <i>Formula One</i> driver? His sponsor must be Velveeta. Maybe they call his car the <i>McClaren Cheesebag</i>? Anyway, <b>Kay-Lynn</b> tosses a lame put down at him, "Can you drive a stickshift?" Arie assures him he can, and we all know that Kay-Lynn can drive any stickshift he comes across, even if it's attached to a guy named Bob. Regardless, it's time for Fugly Tony to work himself up into a lather and set the groundwork for his escape. He sits with Emily and whines…and whines…and whines. Look, I could give a shit if this guy misses his kid. Go home! Fine by me. But if it's genuinely bothering you, why did you agree to be separated from him for weeks? Emily was gone for a 7 week shoot on Brad's show and she didn't whine herself off the set. Shockingly, little Ricki survived. Anyway, <b>Dug!</b>, who apparently doesn't miss his kid much, hauls Tony into a dingy alley and tells him his kid won't even remember him being gone, so don't sweat it. Dug's right. But saying it that way makes it sound like you don't care about your tyke for shit, Dug. I don't mind Fleiss putting single parents on this show in the least, but I don't want to hear them spend half an episode whining about their kids either. But noooooooooooooo. One of Fleiss' minions hands him a cell phone so he can call the disinterested kid and he can work himself up into a full lather. Was this real? Was Tony's only reason for leaving the pain of separation? Maybe. But it's also possible with this show that Harrison had the guy in the alley kneeing him in the crotch so his eyes would water. Then they wasted a ton of my time showing the guy whine. Suffice it to say, Emily basically told him to go home to his kid and Tony took off like a shot. One down, two to go.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Dolly Parton was at Dollywood? Shocking!</h3>
<br />
It's time for erudite, European-born racecar driver Arie to experience some culture shock. The producers decide it was a wise move to have Emily take the only European in the cast to the Dollywood Theme Park, which I believe is located in Peckerwood, Tennessee. Such fun. Look, these Europeans practically vomit at the thought of Disney and hell that place has mimes. So just to rub the stake in the eye, they send Arie to the redneck equivalent:Dollywood.They should have made Arie wear a beret and recite electric poetry while Emily led him around the park trying to get him to try the moonshine. Arie looked as thrilled as you might expect. Once inside the park, Emily and Arie wander around and the producers contract-extort Emily onto a roller coaster so Arie can act all manly and protective. Emily looks ready to poop her drawers as the "Wild Eagle" mounts the hills and plunges around. I wonder if Arie was a true gentleman and held her hair back while she puked? Arie flounders around like a fish out of water, but plays the good sport. Emily looked approving. "I think Arie may have a little country in him." Yeah, and by "country", I think she means Holland, but nevermind. It's time to move on to the point of the visit: its time for the twosome to wander into the musical theater and for Dolly Parton to come out and "surprise" Emily. To her credit, Emily does indeed look blown away at the surprise--which proves she's a decent actress or as dense as titanium. You're in freaking Dollywood, Emily Maynard; home of your music idol, Dolly Parton! You remember Dolly, don't you, Emily? Dolly's the woman who used to famous for having HUGE boobs; now she's famous for looking like a wax dummy of herself. Jeez, Dolly, wrinkles aren't really that scary. Regardless, Dolly "surprises" them and even she thinks Emily is a little dense about the ambush. "Yes, quite a surprise that Dolly Parton is here at Dollywood, eh?" Lol. Dolly might looked like an embalmed hooker, but that was pretty sly. Anyway, Dolly sings for them, acts like she knows something about Emily and then kicks them out of her crypt. Arie takes Emily over to a merry-go-round and sucks her face off. Wow! Man those Europeans are a horny as Emily's friends. Good Job, Arie. The rose is a cert. Date over.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Alley-Cat-Ssandro has Had Enough Too.</h3>
<br />
At the cocktail party, another suitor decides he's had enough of this show and basically shows himself to the exits. Allessandro, who used to be half of one full Hispanic guy with his partner, Alejandro, gets Emily alone and basically tells her that her daughter is a big "compromise" he would have to make. Since the dude is Portuguese, I was sure there was a translation issue here, and maybe there was. But he assured her it wasn't the case and he knew what he meant. Emily practically removed her high heels and hit him in the center of the forehead with her spiked heel. She rushes him to the exit and throws him out. In the car the guy looked stunned. Still unsure if there was a translation issue, I took a quick peek at Emily's blog and she said Alessandro took her out into the woods to show her all the crosses he'd hung from the trees to ward off vampire. "He thought he was a vampire hunter!" What? The guy thought he was Abraham Lincoln? Wow, what a nut. Then they show us edited footage from the park meeting and we see Alessandro telling Emily's buds that he dated his cousin, enjoys one night stands, and pretty much frequents whore houses. Once Emily throws him out, she has a sit down with <b>Kay-Lynn, </b>so he can show her what a spoiled, egotistical, and condescending bottle of <i>Summer's Eve</i> he is. While whining about having to share, Emily tries to commiserate with his feelings and he tells her, "I love to hear you talk, but please don't interrupt me." BUZZ! Ok, there's all the proof you need that this guys continued existence on your TV screen is a producer stunt. Emily would be better off with <b>Allessandro, the Whore-Mongering Vampire Hunter</b>. Fleiss laughs fiendishly: he's had his whiner, his psycho, and his douche. Good enough. He sends in the Wingman wielding his signature cheese knife and champagne glass and calls the evening to a halt.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Roses: </h3>
<br />
<b>Already Safe</b>:<br />
<b>Bobble Head Chris, Sean the Genetic Marvel, Arie the Racer</b><br />
1) <b>One-F-Jef</b>--quiet week.<br />
2) <b>Charlie Knieval</b>--Might be about time to crashland into Dumpsville.<br />
3) <b>Dug! The Absent Father</b>-- Your kid will forgive you…or write a book about how much you suck for going on reality shows and ignoring him.<br />
4)<b> Michael and his Greasy Hair</b>--considering the only words I've heard him say are "Yes.", I'm pretty sure we can forget about him.<br />
5) <b>Ostrich Egg Travis</b>--Emily was as sick of his ostrich egg stunt as I was and broke it in the driveway. She should have busted it over his frohawk.<br />
6) <b>Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer</b>--He said five words this week. Might make top 10.<br />
7) <b>Overrated Ryan</b>--Proof that this show is based almost solely on looks for the first month. Tool.<br />
8) <b>John Wolf</b>, and his <i>rapidly receding hairline</i>.<br />
9)<b> Kay-Lynn</b>--Go kiss Fleiss for that rose, loser.<br />
Harrison wanders in and does what little he does for a paycheck bigger than Dolly Parton's plastic surgery bills.<br />
10) <b>Pretty Boy Nate</b>--said three words in three weeks. Fill that suit, son!<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Dumped: </h3>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Stevie, the squinty-eyed, street performer</b>. Man, how did she let a catch like this guy go? Amazing.</div>
<br />
Overrated Ryan now takes a few moments to predict a feud with Arie. ZZZZZZ.<br />
Next week: Bermuda where Bobble Head Chris wants to know why Dug the Absent Father wants to cost him a rose with Emily.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-4082618270776337192012-05-22T19:42:00.001-07:002012-05-23T14:15:08.333-07:00Emily--Week 2: Muppet Torture<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-S5HbqTiJq6QDvjCFGWp3x4BuJglVWhFRHJCB0RGk1ZXxHKrxGfZPzpN1H0P127nP_Ki5I_isZefVYLAo1N8anmuTLbRD4iR9yUm4kX9T23ZHeA8fSX4Mn8VZJ2gyBi0VHOA9sdQljmx7/s1600/Chris-Harrison-Muppets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-S5HbqTiJq6QDvjCFGWp3x4BuJglVWhFRHJCB0RGk1ZXxHKrxGfZPzpN1H0P127nP_Ki5I_isZefVYLAo1N8anmuTLbRD4iR9yUm4kX9T23ZHeA8fSX4Mn8VZJ2gyBi0VHOA9sdQljmx7/s400/Chris-Harrison-Muppets.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Harrison and the only funny Muppet, Statler. Who rules!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
Muppet Torture</h2>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
This is what I get for ignoring the message boards and Twitter the last few months. With Emily's "image" as an angelic single mom, I wasn't expecting drunken blow outs and wild hot tub scenes, but the Muppets? I must be the only person on the face of the Earth that thinks the Muppets are irritating as hell. And before you just dismiss me as a nasty old curmudgeon, keep in mind that this pirate was forced to endure endless episodes of Barney the Dinosaur and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a young father. But the Muppets? They suck. Well most of them anyway. I guess it comes as no surprise that I like the two grouchy old men, is it? Nevermind. Until Emily gets to establish her credentials as <i>Snow White the Single Mom</i> and then heads off to Europe to make out with a bunch of dudes, I'll just have to endure.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Harrison looks ready to endure anyway. Taking a few minutes away from hitting on women on his Facebook, the newly-single Wingman comes out onto the pool deck of Bachelor Pad Dixie and rounds the boys up. With his dark Jedi mind control, Harrison starts off by stating as fact that all the well-sculpted meatheads are already in love with Emily after the Meet and Greet. The boys all smirk, nod and answer "These aren't the droids we're looking for." Harrison grins knowingly and then whips out his favorite threat, <i>"Not all of you will be going on dates this week, so when you get time alone with Emily and the Muppets, you'd better act like you think they're cute or you're outta here!"</i> The men nod in submission and Harrison drops the date card before heading out to meet some young, single "fans."</div>
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Arena League Ryan Gets Domestic</h3>
<br />
Single father <b>Dug</b> reads off the name of former "professional football player" (<i>cough! Arena League</i>) <b>Rhino Ryan</b> and his bedhead. Ryan smirks, refers to his pastor, and then heads inside to muss his hair, scuff his shoes, and un-shave his square chin for his date. This gives sexually challenged Texan, <b>Kay-Lynn</b> a moment or two to read some script to the camera about how badly he wants to pillage Ry--er, I mean Emily. As Ryan emerges in a linen t-shirt, Emily comes tootling up to the mansion in her soccer-mom mobile. A Tahoe? How many kids do you have Emily? Nevermind. They head out to pollute the ozone in her oversized gas guzzler but instead of bungee jumping over a bridge, she hauls Rhino back to her place to mow her grass, steam clean her carpets, fetch her groceries…ok, I'm lying, but not by much. Instead of some high-octane, freaky fake Bachelorette date, Emily takes him inside for an low-octane freaky fake date instead. Emily tells <i>le Beefcake</i> that since she's supposed to provide snacks for Ricki's soccer team, they are going to bake cookies like she always does (rolls eyes). What a shame they stopped selling cookies at the store. Anyway, she dresses him in an apron and they bake some cookies while his penis shrinks to the size of a gnat. Emily is impressed he passed the cookie test. Amen.<br />
<br />
She then drives them over to the soccer field but leaves him in the car so Ryan won't hear the other moms screaming at her for bringing cookies to a soccer practice instead of something healthy. The required single mom duties complete, the two are now allowed to act like adults. Emily ditches the Tahoe for an Aston Martin and comes over to pick Ryan up. She tosses him the keys and he drives them over to a ritzy restaurant where four hundred people Fleiss recruited stand outside and post pics to their Twitters as the couple goes inside. They sit down to dinner and she asks some tough questions and he smarms her pretty good. They actually have a deep conversation for the first date, and the chemistry looks pretty good.<br />
<br />
Back at the Mansion, the date card arrives and just about every single guy I've pegged as a suit filler gets called out for a something to do with a theater. Kay-Lynn's smarmy noggin pops up on my screen to assure us he "embraces the stage" like the true Barbara Streisand fan that he is. I'm a believer.<br />
<br />
Ryan keeps up the charm offensive and scores points with Emily. She lets us know in a private interview that Ryan is too much like Brad, "He's too perfect." Like Brad? Don't you mean like Jake Pavelka? Brad was a commitment phobe; Jake was too perfect. Nevermind. Despite the mixed characters, Ryan seems to have done well and he easily gets the rose. They go and dance while some country group named <i>Gloriana</i> lip syncs and a crowd films Ryan and Emily and put it up on YouTube. Date over.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Ugh! Muppet Time</h3>
<br />
Emily hauls the 90% suit fillers to see the Muppets. She is joined the by two South Americans who are actually one guy--<b>Allesandro/jandro</b>, as well as <b>Kay-Lynn</b>, <b>John Wolf</b>, <b>Pretty boy Nate</b>, <b>Aaron the Biology Teacher</b>, <b>Fugly Tony</b>, and several others not worth mentioning. They are joined by a couple of players, <b>Bobble Head Chris</b>, <b>One-F-Jef</b>, and the focus of the performance, <b>Charlie Knievel</b>--the collapsing deck daredevil. Now amidst the lameness the Muppets are going to pass around, Charlie becomes the focus of the drama since he's still recovering from the head injury he suffered and has trouble talking…I think. Maybe it's only in public? He was never clear about that. The rest of the time he sounded fine, but what do I know? Regardless, quick as a flash here comes <b>Kermit </b>and <b>Ms. Piggy</b> to irritate the hell out of me. Kermit mushmouthes, sings lame songs, tells lame jokes, and Piggy runs around screeching and karate chopping people for no good reason, like usual. <b>Fozzie Bear</b> comes out to teach a few of the stiffs how to do bad stand up comedy and succeeds beyond his wildest dreams. They perform a dance number where Emily shows she's no Ashley Hebert. Amidst the nonsense, Charlie freaks out and goes to see Emily about his speech problem. She lets him out of singing and instead he gets a soft spot being interrogated by Ms. Piggy. If he could survive that, he's fine. Anyway, the show ends with Emily onstage dragging like Ricki up there to refuse to sing with Kermit. Well at least the kids got taste. Harrison joins <b>Statler</b>, the only funny Muppet, and these two provide the only chuckles of the evening by tearing the show to pieces. No wonder Trojan is going sponsor his next show: ageless good looks, tons of money, and comic timing to boot. Some guys have it all. The guy's a chick magnet. Harrison will do ok too.<br />
<br />
The after party ensues and <b>Bobble Head Chris</b> is up first to tell us how he needs the rose worse than air or something. Emily tells him how good-looking he is. This sets him up to pout when she gives the rose to chronic hipster, <b>One-F-Jef</b>. Emily gets him alone and grills him because he isn't slobbering all over her. Jef is a guy I can't get a read on. With his stupid single-F name he's adopted, his skinny jeans, skateboard, and Frankie Avalon hairdo, the guy strikes me as <i>Mr. Pretentious.</i> Other times he seems pretty cool. Truth is, Emily seems smitten with guy regardless of how I read him. Anyway, the evening drags on and various guys get to make their pitches. Emily finally sits them down and gives Mr. Pretentious the rose.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Time for Some Cannon Fodder</h3>
<br />
While Emily was chasing the indifferent Jef, the date card arrives back at homebase and much to my surprise, <b>Dweeby Joe</b> gets called out. I laugh at once. Joe was a guy I was shocked to see survive night one. Now he gets called out for a one-on-one in week 2? Ha ha. I can already hear the gulliotine blade sliding down the chute. Joe's sole reason for existence is to go and stand in front of a firing squad. Emily tries to cloud the issue by saying Joe looks like "Matthew McConaughey" and predicts a fun, over the top date. To set the trap, Emily takes Joe for a Learjet ride before she yanks the rug out from under him. They fly to West Virginia, take a ride in an ancient Rolls Royce, but Emily is already hinting at the friend card. They go to Greenbriar mansion, a place for southern aristocracy, proving Emily didn't grow up poor. As night falls, Emily emerges down a staircase like Scarlet O'Hara, takes Joe to dinner and dumps his rump. Completely blindsided, Joe heads out on his own as Harrison lays off camera and hits Emily with a cattle prod to work up a few tears. As Joe gets the ride of shame, they let off fireworks anyway so Emily can stand on the balcony and look forlorn about what might have been.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Cocktail Party</h3>
<br />
As the party opens, the rest of the players who got left behind get a few minutes to raise Emily's blood pressure. <b>Arie the race car driver</b> gets to describe life in his hometown, and shortly Emily is giggling like a teen. <b>Fugly Tony</b> shows his insecurities about being fugly but before he can make his pitch, Ryan, who already has a rose, steals her and she sits and reads a letter longer than War and Peace from the meathead. Fugly Tony sits there listening while Emily reads the letter from Mr. Arena League, and fugly or not, Tony refuses to back out and shows some stones. This makes Ryan looks like a douche. Tony finally gets his shot and tells her he has a five hear-old son. He may be fugly, but he does well. <b>Kay-Lynn</b> is up next to whine about how <b>Dug </b>took his backhanded insults the right way and now everyone hates him. He gets a few seconds of Emily's time to whine about how tough he's got it, and <i>surprise!</i> the producers send Dug in for the steal. Harrison comes in tinging his glass with his signature cheese knife and here we go.<br />
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: left;">
Roses:</h4>
Harrison lines em up and Emily comes in and stumble mumbles through a preamble.<br />
Safe--<b>Arena League Ryan</b> and <b>One-F-Jef</b><br />
<br />
1)<b> Kay-Lynn</b>--Producers drama pick goes first.<br />
2) <b>Arie the Racer</b>--easy peasy. There may be no stopping this guy.<br />
3) <b>Michael and his Greasy Hair</b>--suit filler.<br />
4) <b>Pretty Boy Nate</b>--as mute as 'ol greasy hair, but no worries.<br />
5) <b>Sean</b>--Left behind this week but can coast to Top 5 at least.<br />
6) <b>Bobble Head Chris</b>--Has a mouth like a chick, but she likey.<br />
7) <b>Dug</b>--got pissed at Kay-Lynn--not sure I like him anyway.<br />
8) <b>Ostrich Egg Travis</b>--both mute and invisible this week.<br />
9) <b>Fugly Tony</b>--a tweener.<br />
10) <b>John Wolf</b>--eh, not sure about him yet.<br />
11) and 13) <b>Allesandro/Jandro</b><br />
12) <b>Charlie Knievel-</b>-Crash lands into a flower<br />
<br />
Enter Harrison:<br />
<i>Emily, gentlemen, it's the last rose of the evening. Did you see me with Statler? How much does he rock? When you're ready.</i><br />
<br />
14) <b>Stevie the Loser</b>: Ugh!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Dumped: <b>Kyle, the finance dork</b>, and <b>Aaron the teacher</b>; two guys who must feel like major dorks after being whipped by Stevie the ugly street performer.</div>
<br />
Next week: uh, I really need to read some spoiler I guess. Looks like Arie gets to style it, and Sean steps forward while it looks like Fugly Tony steps out.<br />
<br />
See ya then.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-3494514404921762042012-05-15T19:37:00.000-07:002012-06-27T06:27:24.283-07:00Emily Week 1: Southern Fried Cheese<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Welcome back, my friends. After a very short off-season where I barely managed to recover from the disaster that was Ben Flajnik, I'm back to pester Southern Belle, Emily Maynard. After months of gleefully ignoring Emily (cause she told me to), Em went and reversed course and decided to turn herself into a public dartboard of criticism by accepting the lead role as the Bachelorette. Damn, all those months I could have been writing about her and her former fiance, Brad Womack, as they had knock down drag out fights and Brad drunk-dialed her all hours of the day and night to tell her A) what a bitch she is or B) how sorry he was for calling her a bitch, but I respected her wishes and ignored her. Now, she wrong foots me. Don't worry, payback is a bigger bitch than a drunk-dialing former boyfriend, Emily.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
As the show opens, we are treated to the requisite montage of Emily and her daughter Ricki kibutzing around the mansion that the Hendricks family bought her and her daughter, and doing all the cute things a single mom and young daughter do, without those annoying two jobs most single mom's have: they make chocolate pancakes, swing down at the local park, and we see Emily tuck Ricki in at 7:30 and go and sit miserable and alone on the couch furrowing her brow at the certain fate of approaching spinsterhood. Naturally the spectre of Brad Womack shows up to remind the viewers what a hairy-faced, lying, committment-phobe he is. We see Brad tell her she is his "forever", which must be Texas-speak for "three months." Emily lays Brad the Cad on us and reminds us once again that her former-fiance had the good graces to knock her up before passing away. Miserable and alone, Emily steals a few producer-children and carpools them around Charlotte with Ricki before moping back to her mansion to be all alone. Fortunately for her, Chris Harrison is still around.</div>
<br />
The Wingman pops out the front of the mans-- whoa! I better get on and read some message boards. Harrison has abandoned his assigned post at the Bachelor Mansion and tells us that he's in Charlotte, North Carolina. I peer past him at the poorly-lit digs and sure enough, it looks like Producer/sleazebucket Fleiss has rented a house from Gomez Addams. I finally look back at Harrison to see him dressed in his Meet and Greet uniform blathering on about Emily's broken heart and how all her relationships end in plane crashes and 3 AM drunken phone calls. Before I can call the wench queen for a refill, Harrison cues up a preview of the men. The first douche hops out of a helicopter and brags "I'm a young, fun, good looking guy with a few dollars in my pocket…I can wine, I can dine; I'm the modern southern gentleman." Really? Modern Southern Gentleman is now defined as a self-centered, effeminate fuckwit? How come I never get these memos? Several more flash before my eyes, but I'll skewer them later. Besides, it's time for Emily to tell us just how nervous she is.<br />
<br />
Harrison greets her outside the Addams mansion and leads her inside. Emily gushes about nerves for filling the role she swore she didn't want. The wingman tries to shoehorn in some sob story about her former fiance but thankfully, she shuts him down. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." Thank you. Shame the producers don't feel the same way. Harrison shifts gears and tells some lies about how they changed the venue to Charlotte instead of L.A. so Ricki wouldn't be put out. Really? According to what I just read on a board, you were in Charlotte for 3 episodes, then it's off to see the world with Ricki in tow apparently. Why not just move the girl to L.A. with her mom and skip the lowlight palace? Nevermind. Why do I even bother to ask. Emily insists she wants a hoard of kids and off we go.<br />
<br />
After a commercial, Harrison walks Emily out front and presto! she has a magically altered, and much better hairdo. (Lovely editing, Fleiss.) And here they come:<br />
<br />
1) <b>Sean</b>: 28 year-old insurance agent that simply introduced himself. The wench assures me he's cute. Good start.<br />
<br />
2) <b>David</b>: Dorky musician with a fruity 5 o'clock shadow. He was seen in the previews assaulting a piano and screeching out Emily's name. Not feeling this guy, despite the excellent hair.<br />
<br />
3) Doug--<b>Dug</b>! Whips out his 11 year-old son instantly and overplays his hand to death. Later, he pulls out a letter he strong armed his kid into writing to Emily. The kid wins the First Impression Rose. Dug? Not sure.<br />
<br />
4) <b>Jackson</b>--hip name, pink shirt and cheeseball supreme. Drops to a knee and yammers something about having his breath taken away. Supposedly a "Fitness model". Looked like a Romulan to me. Waited until after he got dumped to strip down and show off his torso. Looked like a Stretch Armstrong doll. Don't worry, he was soon free to go home and continue the love affair with himself.<br />
<br />
5) <b>Joe</b>, a Field Energy Supervisor who led with a preamble of "Emilyyyyy! Whatscha say?!" and acted like he skipped the booze and hammered the Moutain Dew instead. Danced around like a hyperactive toddler and practically defined the term "Nerd."<br />
<br />
6) <b>Arie:</b> This one caused a spike in the wench's blood pressure and Emily's too, from what I saw. Tall, blue-eyed race car driver from the Netherlands. I googled around and saw he was the son of Arie Luyendyk--a guy I saw win the Indy 500. Might be a player.<br />
<br />
7) <b>Kyle</b>: Finance dork shopping about a mile out of his league.<br />
<br />
8) Chris--<b>Bobble-Head Chris:</b> Odd-looking dude who pulled out bobble head dolls of himself and Emily and hammed it up. She appeared to like him though. We'll see.<br />
<br />
9) <b>Aaron</b>: High school biology teacher who's "here to strike out with you", or something like that.<br />
<br />
10) <b>Alessandro</b>: A "grain merchant." What, is he a bread salesman? Turns out he's from Brazil. Funny though, I though he looked more like an Alabama redneck. Not feeling it.<br />
<br />
11) Jef--<b>One-F-Jef</b>: Nice hair, dude. Weirdest doo of the night. Some kind of Buster Poindexter bouffant and comes in riding a skateboard. I was feeling Jesse "The Stoned Snowboarder" vibes from this guy until I re-watched the previews. Turns out he is CEO of a bottled water company who provides water around the world to those who can't get clean h2o. Seriously, if this guy is legit, he's addressing one of the most important issues in the developing world. Many folks don't know this but the leading cause of the death in the developing world--especially for children--isn't some weird Ebola strain, it's a lack of potable drinking water. That simple. This guy might be a fraud or a douche, but that's a valuable service. I'm still not gonna' give him a break on that hair though. Or the stupid name. Emily seemed intrigued by him though. Might be a sleeper.<br />
<br />
12) <b>Lerone</b>--Holy crap! It's a black dude! Boy 'ol Fleiss really knows how to give the middle finger to the PC crowd, doesn't he? He skips having a black guy for the San Francisco career girl and the Maine dentist, and then sics one on the Confederate Princess? Shame too. Good looking, normal-acting, real estate dude. I'm sure Emily is catching hell over dumping him, but I'll cut her some slack. Although interracial relationships are as common as rain in Seattle these days, some people are just not attracted to folks outside their own race. We like what we like. Still a shame though. Compared to a few of the turds she kept, this guy wasn't black, he was solid gold. But I knew when I first saw him that I'd be able to time this guy's tenure on this show with an egg timer.<br />
<br />
13) <b>Stevie</b>: Ugh! Arrives with a boom box and dances around like a Tool. Wears a horrible green shirt with his suit and tells Emily he's "an dancer, an MC, an entertainer." Sounds like a guy who cages quarters in the subway to me. Kinda ugly too.<br />
<br />
14) <b>Charlie</b>: stout, muscle-bound dude who was highlighted in the previews for preferring falling off collapsing decks to having plane crashes. Bragged he had a traumatic brain injury, which explains why he's on this show.<br />
<br />
15) <b>Tony</b>: Lumber trader. How's that job sound? "I'll trade ya 3 2x4's for 6 2x6's." Leads with a plastic slipper on a pillow. Hey Emily, did you know Prince Charming was so fugly? Got a rose anyway. Hey Lerone, what do you think about that?<br />
<br />
16) <b>Randy</b>--Jonathan Winters. Just to make sure I'd have nightmares, he shows up dressed like Maude Frickert too. Emily looked like she wanted to slam her plastic slipper into his fanny.<br />
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17) <b>Nate</b>: <b>Pretty boy Nate</b>. Uh, Emily thinks he smells good. Time for some rogaine, pretty boy.<br />
<br />
18) <b>Brent</b>: Well hello Grandpa! 41? Seriously? This guy is only a few years younger than your old captain, and I'll tell you that I would win a Who's Younger contest with this guy. Later he tells her that he has 6 kids. Yeah, and how many grandkids? Randy looked younger in his Maude Frickert outfit. Weirdest casting ever.<br />
<br />
19) <b>John</b>: "Wolf" Uhhhh, no. I hear his last name is Wolfson or whatever, but don't lead with that, stupid. He's a "Data Destruction Specialist". Big deal. So's my wife. I have to buy her a new computer every six months. They pay you for that? I'll have her give "Wolf" a call.<br />
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20) <b>Travis</b>. Arrives with an ostrich egg. Yeah, I just write 'em, I don't make 'em up. She made him wait for the rose until last.<br />
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21) <b>Michael</b>: Curtains of long, greasy hair. Wasn't shown saying a word. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Suit Filler. Go stand in the corner with grandpa and the black dude.<br />
<br />
22) <b>Jean-Paul</b>: Qui Qui! Marine biologist who told Emily he didn't know anything about her. Whoosh! Out the door he goes.<br />
<br />
23) <b>Alejando</b>--Mushroom Farmer. No shit; I kid you not. Colombian farmer who snazzy dresses and has diamond earrings. You sure you're farming mushrooms?<br />
<br />
24) <b>Ryan</b>: Bed-headed Ken doll who declares he was a "professional football player." Really, what team? Oh, Arena League. I googled it. Let's not oversell there pal. Professional Football players make more money than New York garbage men. Emily seemed to like him though. Had a good intro where he reads a note that charms her. But it always amazes me that men spend 45 minutes on their hair to make it look like they've never touched it a minute in their lives. Weird.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
25) <b>Kalon</b>: How I hoped this guys name rhymed with Talon. I was going to call him Kalgon, as in Kalgon, take yourself anyway! No such luck. It's the douche from the intro and he pronounces it Kay-Lynn. He comes in on his homocopter and is listed as a "Luxury Brand Consultant." I think that translates into "asshole." The best the other goofs can do is call him, "helicopter guy." Work on it, boys. Looks like you'll get your chance too; the producers won't let this guy go easy.</div>
<br />
Once the party starts, not much happens as they race thru the evening. Very little of the usual drama; Stevie the loser takes a dislike to Kay-Lynn the Asshole but that's about it. Harrison finally remerges and brings the First Impression Rose in. Emily takes her time and drifts around before awarding it to Dug's son. Fast as a cat, Harrison drops the bottle of Cuervo and rounds them up for roses.<br />
<br />
Roses:<br />
First Impression Rose: Dug's son.<br />
1) Bobble Head Chris<br />
2) Ryan-Rhino, Arena League Hero.<br />
3) Kay-Lynn-Boo!<br />
4) Arie--Uh, yeah.<br />
5) Charlie<br />
6) One-F-Jef<br />
7) Pretty Boy Nate<br />
8) Sean-Yep<br />
9) Joe-Score one for hyperactive dweebs<br />
10) Kyle--Fill that suit!<br />
11) Aaron<br />
12) Alejandro--farmer of (ahem) something in Colombia<br />
13) John Wolf--Expect my call<br />
14) Alessandro--"Will you accept this rose?" "Yee haw! I mean, si!"<br />
15) Michael<br />
16) Stevie--ha ha! Take that Lerone.<br />
17) Tony-no seriously, Lerone, take that!<br />
Enter wingman<br />
"Emily, gentlemen, its the final rose tonight. Since I'm single now, I'll be over here with my Android sexting with some hot chicks. When you're ready."<br />
18) Ostich egg Travis.<br />
<br />
Dumped:<br />
Jonathan Winters. Grandpa. Jackson the male bimbo. Lerone the token. Jean Paul the Marine Biologist.<br />
<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-59234763942085046472012-03-13T15:07:00.000-07:002012-03-13T15:07:36.602-07:003/12: The Merciful End<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKy-WhkTvYs47Rp3M_lgtjYzGQZ7JxxWzmM_L13LfmuXaiaIX62ZdbQSP6HWwpzEon2ANnxXJcEUl1UZ8nhKZHAS_GoniDwwNXzlYmEi8yg69cka6SW5PLgNXxG9BAQh6mL50zwhEwP94E/s1600/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A08+PM" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKy-WhkTvYs47Rp3M_lgtjYzGQZ7JxxWzmM_L13LfmuXaiaIX62ZdbQSP6HWwpzEon2ANnxXJcEUl1UZ8nhKZHAS_GoniDwwNXzlYmEi8yg69cka6SW5PLgNXxG9BAQh6mL50zwhEwP94E/s320/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A08+PM" width="320" /></a></div><div>The end at last. Thank god. I never thought it would get here. Those two speeding locomotives we all knew were coming finally crashed headlong last night, with predictable results. But I don't care. It just means I can limp into the off season and await <b>Emily Maynard's</b> turn as the <i>Bachelorette</i> premiering May 14th. That's not much of an off season to rest up after this marathon of disaster, but I'll take what I can get. I got the extreme pleasure of removing Ben from my masthead today, and that felt good--really good! Thanks again to DeeDreamer for supplying the artwork. Ok, we all know by now (or should) that nobody gives a rats ass about the first one hour and forty-five minutes of these finales--especially when disaster awaits instead of a love story. In keeping with pragmatic reason, the first part of this recap will be brief and in keeping with the seriousness of this seasons participants. Hang on, it's gonna' be quick.</div><div><br />
</div><div><b><span style="font-size: large;">Zermatt Switzerland</span></b></div><div><br />
</div><div>Both woman love Ben…blah, blah, blah. He loves both women…blah, blah, blah. Mom and sis are on hand to pass judgement on both girls and give Ben some much needed advice…blah, blah, blah. Lindzi goes first, and is nervous, but sis Julia, who has the biggest balls in the Flajnik household, likes her…blah, blah, blah. Magically, both mom and sis know what a colossal bitch Courtney is…blah, blah, blah. Courtney shows up and magically charms both Flajnik women and before she can get out the door sis is proclaiming Courtney "The One." Convenient. Ben, now fully licensed to pick the one he has wanted from the first night takes Lindzi skiing…blah, blah, blah. They ski, do a few commercials for Matterhorn Travel, inc. and make out. <i>Last Chance:</i> Lindzi finally succumbs to producer-pressure and strokes Ben's ego by telling him that she loves him. He deep tongues her. Courtney's date is next and they go for a helicopter ride to the Matterhorn. <i>Last Chance:</i> she busts his balls for not believeing her lies about how abysmally she treated the other women. He wanders off…blah, blah, blah. Goes ring shopping. Yes, it's time for <i>Neil Lane and his Traveling Engagement Ring and Pizza Delivery Service</i> to make a house call. Ben picks out the giant rock that Courtney ordered up in season previews and we're go.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Helicopters appear and both women dress like they're marrying into the House of Romanov, complete with gorgeous dresses and capes. Maybe Ben is from the House of Romanov. That would explain the Rasputin haircut. Anyway, they copter over to the Matterhorn where he awaits. Naturally, Lindzi emerges first and Ben performs one of his painfully awkward dumps. "I fell in love with you…I've fallen in love with someone else." Lindzi stares at him with a <i>"You've got to be fucking kidding me,"</i> look on her face and doesn't speak until he parks her at the helopad for export. "If <i>(when)</i> it doesn't work out, call me."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjIksWx6u-4DwCRw46xSvQJ3cIW22cMIJus9mDRviQI0bAK4rJoFUSkRymjf8jj0v87wqmfCAzPxkfHP0VJqetOPpi3j4VyC8YIn-rtCeibV2xKZ_ZeMzdC8n_5XDILAMMoYZCrPJsV2Ve/s1600/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A27+PM" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="346" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjIksWx6u-4DwCRw46xSvQJ3cIW22cMIJus9mDRviQI0bAK4rJoFUSkRymjf8jj0v87wqmfCAzPxkfHP0VJqetOPpi3j4VyC8YIn-rtCeibV2xKZ_ZeMzdC8n_5XDILAMMoYZCrPJsV2Ve/s640/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A27+PM" width="640" /></a></div><div><br />
</div><div>Courtney arrives in all her <i>Maleficient</i> glory and Ben baits her by acting like he's gonna' dump her. No such luck, "You're my forever…<i>providing forever means: until I take too much shit for picking such a bitch.'"</i> Courtney sorta cries and he slips the ring she ordered onto her finger and they make out as paparazzi with telephoto lenses capture the entire thing and sell it to the tabloids before Christmas.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijekb9tHaQXFfMYpt3EQ8T3E3Jyy_rlG_qUc4AMxUNuFW_5wmJrnuSmWxXGPqo0fb315E0sVraVQ21BW8Np_O3OqFTYpCt2ikcFuhTWDRL4EMkKVZGLKZtuiZ8764FGcMuIA1wLA4jANvo/s1600/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A33+PM" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijekb9tHaQXFfMYpt3EQ8T3E3Jyy_rlG_qUc4AMxUNuFW_5wmJrnuSmWxXGPqo0fb315E0sVraVQ21BW8Np_O3OqFTYpCt2ikcFuhTWDRL4EMkKVZGLKZtuiZ8764FGcMuIA1wLA4jANvo/s320/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A33+PM" width="289" /></a></div><div><br />
</div><div><b><span style="font-size: large;">After the Final Rose (Thank God)</span></b></div><div><br />
</div><div>Harrison gleefully announces that Courtney is the "woman America loves to hate!" about five times and then appears mystified as to why people aren't rooting for the new couple. (Must be those nasty taboids?) Yawn. Harrison wastes little time and yanks Ben out onstage. The guy looks like he spent the last week sleeping under a bridge overpass and they found him 30 minutes before filming, put him in a nice suit and rushed him out on stage. Ben confirms that they have already broken up because of all the "negativity" but have some arrangement of some sort…at the moment. Harrison dispatches him back to his soundproof booth and brings Courtney out next. Her botox lip deflated since filming, Courtney comes out in a white dress I couldn't get around my leg and looks absolutely STUNNING! The crowd boos her and she gets to play the victim of abandonment because Ben cut her lose the second things got tough. I was left with a big question: <i>Ben, is there anything else you'd like to try and do to make people think you're a bigger douchebag than they already do?</i> Maybe release a few photos of yourself clubbing baby seals? How about goosestepping into a synagogue dressed in a Nazi uniform? You chose a woman who you KNEW was a bitch and then dumped her when people criticized you for picking a bitch? I think my title from week 2 stands: <b>"Ben Loses His Balls!"</b> and apparently still hasn't found them yet. Will you please ask your sister for a few pounds of hers. She can spare them, trust me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZvKIsJL43xCLTWa2h-9hfY4JjgXXOdrmhJSUNxnwDtQZyp2hdnzJYR40rhZFtBZrv_gVEQsLNwSXllMDom5vCpCDBm6cwONA5B2KMihyphenhyphenvR7xW7o9pLuNo6J15KSbl1lKhxfycFEL8m8aN/s1600/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A09+PM" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZvKIsJL43xCLTWa2h-9hfY4JjgXXOdrmhJSUNxnwDtQZyp2hdnzJYR40rhZFtBZrv_gVEQsLNwSXllMDom5vCpCDBm6cwONA5B2KMihyphenhyphenvR7xW7o9pLuNo6J15KSbl1lKhxfycFEL8m8aN/s1600/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A09+PM" /></a></div><div><br />
</div><div>Harrison now bids Courtney to rejoin them. They sit next to each other and Ben's body language looks like if he leans far enough away from her, he won't catch the <i>Unpopularity Virus</i> she is a carrier of. Fat chance, bud. Maybe she should lean away from you. Anyway, Harrison seeks clarity and under pressure, Ben insists they are still engaged. The Wingman produces the engagement ring and Ben slips is unenthusiastically back on Courtney's finger. The producers don't even bother giving them a trip anywhere--there's no point. These two are leaking oil worse than a '72 Ford Pinto. Step right up and place your bets, folks. What's the over/under on three months? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8u52QunxgkoVluDIwWTeIycL89KUAQPtqXf76PIe0ft2F4Or4eKZXp6ON5ZIaEjIoxUKVrsMpkZp3IpIgXcYlf4j2r0lY41BFGobTHQJ2Z1B9_obQVIVgy3vp-DXMhcAVDGs2DZvyhSei/s1600/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A13+PM" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8u52QunxgkoVluDIwWTeIycL89KUAQPtqXf76PIe0ft2F4Or4eKZXp6ON5ZIaEjIoxUKVrsMpkZp3IpIgXcYlf4j2r0lY41BFGobTHQJ2Z1B9_obQVIVgy3vp-DXMhcAVDGs2DZvyhSei/s400/Photo+Mar+13%252C+2012+4%253A13+PM" width="400" /></a></div><div><br />
</div><div><b>Pirate conclusion:</b> One ball-less wonder and one four-star bitch. Two douchetards who richly deserve one another. Season Over!</div><div><br />
</div><div>Oh yeah, J.P. and his skinhead and Ashley Sherbert Hebert were trundled out to show that not every season is an unmitigated disaster like this one has been. J.P. tries to start some Ashley pregnancy rumors and they insist they'll be married within a year. Them, I believe.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Word circles the net that Emily Maynard is mere days away from finding some temporary douchebag of her very own to keep for a few months before she dumps him and heads back to her Hendricks Sugar Palace.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Your Captain will be there. Argh!</div><div><br />
</div></div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-83376907293006935502012-03-06T16:01:00.000-08:002012-03-06T16:01:56.205-08:003/5--The Women Audition for Bachelor Pad 3<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Why don't they just move to a Jello wrestling competition? It'd be a lot more entertaining. As this dud of a season comes to a close, it's a statement about how lousy its been when what the Bachelor faithful can most look forward to is a sense of vengeance being reaped on a bitch at the normally ignorable <i>Women Tell All</i> episode and the final, head-on meeting of those two speeding locomotives I described two weeks ago at next week's <i>After the Final Rose</i>. Last nights sleazy blood letting set a new low in sadistic pleasure as the producers of this mess brought one of the final two out for the first time in show history so she could be damned, shamed, and harangued like an adulteress in old Salem. The only thing missing was Emperor Harrison, riding heard over the proceedings and signaling thumbs up or down for her fate or pinning a giant scarlet <span style="color: red;">"B"</span> (for bitch!) to her dress. Nero, where are you when we need you?<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Gaggle of Mean Geese Gather</span></b><br />
<br />
It's been a cruddy season. So much so that the faithful of Bachelor Nation gathered in big numbers to watch <b>Queen Courtney</b> get ripped to shreds by her nearly-as-mean former housemates. But before we get to those delicious bread and circuses, <b>Harrison</b> comes stumbling out on stage looking sick from both cold meds and the worst looking tie I've ever seen the guy wear. Some black and silver thing that looked like the peeled-off label from a bottle of<i> Dos Equus</i>. He hams his way around the crowd, gleefully letting them that know that Courtney's bloodied corpse will soon be on stage with him. Then he introduces the executioners. Chiefs among the gaggle of meanies were <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b>, <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie B</b>, and <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>; with heavy facetime going to the houses other resident bitch, <b>Boom-Boom Blakely</b>. Emily led the group of formerly serious Ben-contenders and Blakely led the group of serious Bachelor Pad 3 contenders. While the serious ones catalogued their "journey" in and out of Ben's life, Boom-Boom and her also rans fought, bitched, carped, and provided the blood for the arena. Chief among the catty was <b>Samantha the Pageant Queen</b> (remember her?); she yapped and snarfed way more than her importance on the show dictated. She bitched so much than fellow also ran,<b> Granny Panty Brittney</b>, finally compared her to a chihuihua and told her to shut up. America applauded but when the <i>Granny Pantied One </i>added in that she left because she had "zero attraction" to <b>Stormhorse Flajnik</b>, the country stood as one and screamed like she had just won the Super Bowl.The rest of the also rans and dress fillers joined in and spoke more than we heard them all season. All were uniformly nasty; sans <b>Jenna the Insane Blogger</b>, who outside of offering up a hug to Courtney and tampon to <b>Bi-Monica</b>, sat twitching like she was about to fly apart at the seams. (Tick Tick) Well there's one Bachelor Pad 3 slot we can assume is filled.<br />
<br />
While the Wingman sorta tried to keep order, he also hauled on stage <b>Shawntel Munster Newton</b> to receive a wave of apologies from the Meanies for the abominable treatment she receievd from the when she tried to crash the party and take up with Ben. Emily, clearly allowed to lead with her brains and manners, wished Shawntel well and hoped she sold a pile of books about dead people or something. The proprieties observed, it was time for Harrison to fill the lukewarm seat and get moving for real.<br />
<br />
One by one the semi-serious were brought onstage to fill the coveted center-of-attention seat by Harrison and explain their stories to the country. The Stool Pigeon went first and got all educated-sounding and wise while still keeping me interested by wearing a dress that barely held her undersized juggs captive. She hit the major point about the season's most controversial moment: <i>when Ben got naked and banged Courtney in the ocean</i>. She made it clear that her anger wasn't about skinny dipping, but about the fact that Ben decided to do this when he still had ten women back at the house he was dating. She also corectly slammed him for his "Tread lightly" comment, which produced gasps of semi-disbelief from the well-trained audience. Her popularity riding high, Emily surrendered the seat to both Kacie and Nicki, the latter still looking slighlty Ben-besotted and the former looking friggin' hot as usual. But we can skip that, it's time for BLOOD!<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Blood Sport</span></b><br />
<br />
Harrison, smiling like a sadist about to shoot some tethered sheep, called Queen Courtney out onstage. Courtney ambles out while the audience responds to the "applause" sign and the other women hit her with about 15 pairs of iced daggers known as glares. She sits with Harrison and lets the world know she is there to apologize. He fires the starter pistol and the women jump her like rabid pitbulls. One after another fires away at her for the individual insults she lashed almost all of them with all season. Courtney just cringes as it goes on and on. What a shame this was. If Harrison had just handed her a giant glass of merlot, the fireworks would have gone nuclear.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Blakely): "Why did you call me a stripper and the type of woman who cheats with your boyfriend for?"</span><br />
<i>Because you look like a pole-dancing skank!</i><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Emily): "Why wouldn't you accept my apology?"</span><br />
<i>Because you're a double-barreled bitch and I hate your guts!</i><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Elyse): "Why would say that after spending all day with me that Ben's eyes probably hurt?"</span><br />
<i>Have you looked in a mirror recently?</i><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Nicki)" "Why do the tabloids say you nicknamed me 'fatty'?"</span><br />
<i>Because your thighs are so pudgy only Colonel Sanders could love you!</i><br />
<br />
But alas, he doesn't. Courtney is sober and in full-contrition mode. Did she mean it? That's an eye-of-the-beholder question. I think it's a laughable one, but others will feel different. Courtney was upset she's caught so much hell for her behavior, but sincere? Ha. Ha. Uh no. Harrison feeling the audiences blood lust somewhat sated, calls a halt to the massacre. Courtney walks out and into a waiting limo.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Our Hero</span></b><br />
<br />
With his fiance dispatched, Harrison brings Ben out onstage. Man this guy looked as comfortable as a bastard at a Father's Day cookout. He barely glanced over his shoulder at all the women he dumped and disrespected and they scarcely clapped for him at all. The questions start and he provides canned answers. The women, led by the three contenders, look sadly at him. All except the former mute <b>Nurse Jamie</b>, who tells him when he and Courtney break up, that she doesn't mind a boyfriend who bangs other women on national TV, so go on and give her a call. Ben smirks cockily and basically says, <i>"Yeah, we'll do lunch." </i>Nice try, Jamie. Nicki gets her last chance to show how deep in the Ben-Bubble she still is by telling him what a great man he is. Then she spends the balance of the evening holding hands with Kacie and as they watch video of all his antics with the air of two women watching a funeral procession.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Bloopers:</span></b><br />
<br />
In a sad and telling indictment to the suckatude of this season, even the bloopers sucked. Mostly just Ben hamming it up and acting like a teenager. Yawn.<br />
<br />
Folks, it's been that kind of season. Now I find <b>Emily Maynard</b> about as interesting as the stapler on my desk, but I'm ready for it anyway. How many more of these do we have?<br />
<br />
Next week: Ben Finishes What he Started Night 1.<br />
<br />
See ya.<br />
<br />
</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-76924340373305690652012-02-28T16:08:00.000-08:002012-02-28T16:08:49.667-08:002/27--A Very StormHorse Fantasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii7MqCnSlIUtRQ0pjfWBpmID976p5JvA-Iw3U8IS2zFPKX7auQop3H5JPdAvYws-uQV7J4cpzP4ceYa_LyOHvGMxcK5XpswHmrwL_CeD0vZ0O6IkGS9PiBO7iPrsHMkx78PVu94D8cnzcK/s1600/Photo+Feb+27%252C+2012+5%253A27+PM" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="393" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii7MqCnSlIUtRQ0pjfWBpmID976p5JvA-Iw3U8IS2zFPKX7auQop3H5JPdAvYws-uQV7J4cpzP4ceYa_LyOHvGMxcK5XpswHmrwL_CeD0vZ0O6IkGS9PiBO7iPrsHMkx78PVu94D8cnzcK/s400/Photo+Feb+27%252C+2012+5%253A27+PM" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Credit to some gal friend of William "The Wise" Holman on Twitter who <br />
created this artistic masterpiece.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Hey, hold on! Is this the Bachelor or the Bachelorette? Emily Maynard is getting co-billing with Ben Flajnik? Hey Ben, I think this is Fleiss' way of letting you know what an incredible dud you are. Before Ben could start foreshadowing the fact that he's soon to pick one of the most unpleasant people in this show's history as his fiancée, I get a long dose of <b>Emily Maynard</b>. Hey Fleiss, why not just have <b>Harrison</b> run around behind Ben waving a sign that says,<i> "Don't leave! Don't leave! This loser will be through shortly, and look who's next!".</i> Very subtle. Once they're done promoting Emily, we see Ben is still here and he is riven with fear he will pick the wrong person and blow it. Foreshadowing over, it's time for the stupid plane graphic, cause Ben is off to Switzerland to humiliate himself. As the little plane crosses that big bunch of water sometimes called an ocean, Ben tries to convince us (and himself) that he's interested in someone other than the Queen of Poison, <b>Courtney</b>. Speaking of Courtney, we get to see them skinny dip again and her highlights of awfulness reel plays just in case someone missed it the first time. He blathers on trying to plant seeds of doubt, and does Harrison's job for him. C'mon; land the damn plane graphic and lets get going!<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Nicki</span></b><br />
<br />
Ben greets <b>Nicki</b> in a field and they give it a tepid hug and kiss. In comes the 101st Airborne right on cue, and they head off for the mountains. Yoddle-ley-he-who! Time for a metaphor: " I feel my relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights (Mountain shot), but at the same time it's grounded…" He finally shuts up and skips the last metaphor as the chopper pilot puts it into a vertical dive.<i> "…but it's about to hit the ground!" </i>Ahh, c'mon, Ben, we won't tell her what a miserable liar you are when you sweet talk her into the <i>Jungle Room</i> at whatever suite Harrison has lined up for you. If you're gonna' bang a woman right before you dump her, you know you're gonna' look like a douche anyway--might as well have fun with it. Regardless, they land on a mountain top and review her hometown date and talk about her hitting him with the "L" word. She should have saved her breath. She yammers on like a Chatty Cathy Doll while Ben falls into Robot Mode--<i>blink-nod-blink-nod</i>-"That's good." He's enamored all right. They chopper away and then land on a phallic-shaped mountaintop so we can drink in the sight of the immense, stone-shaped penis that Ben doesn't have in his pants. "That spark I was looking for, I found it. I hope she accepts an overnight because…<i>I really want to bang her one time for the road."</i> No, he didn't say that; he just meant it.<br />
<br />
As darkness falls, we see that the chopper didn't strand them on the huge stone pecker and they've made their way back to a log cabin chalet with dinner and a fireplace. They discuss how many kids they're not going to have together and Nicki pretty much tells him she's ready to move to California and set up house at his vineyard. Ben then gets a moment to furrow his caveman brows and say something really stupid. "I'm nervous to give her the card tonight; I hope she's ready for it." Ready? Dude, she sounds ready to pack herself in your suitcase. I think the evening is a "go!" Nervous or not, Ben whips out the 'ol sexcard.<br />
<br />
Nicki reads:<br />
<i>"Ben, if you'd like to bury what's left of your reputation and Nicki, if you'd like to make your father cry, why not go to the Fantasy Suite and have a good shag on me?</i><br />
<i>Harrison"</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Nicki quickly accepts and suggest they go get naked immediately. Once they get into the suite, Nicki gushes like she's trying to talk HIM out of his clothes and pretty much earns a gold medal in the Desperation Olympics. They climb into a bubble bath and Stormhorse rings one up. Next!<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Lindzi</span></b><br />
<br />
Ben meets <b>Lindzi</b> for another adrenaline date. He hauls her over a ridge and down into a gorge to go rappelling. They look down a 300 foot ledge and Lindzi looks ready to go back to the States. As scared as she looks, Ben looks terrified. Of course they don't actually rappel; they are simply lowered on some wires. Ben craps his pants and launches an "L" bomb. Hey Nicki, need to work on your sex game, it sounds like. They vanish from the gorge and are instantly in a hot tub. They make out and he drops another "L" bomb, just in case Nicki missed the first one and very quickly--the day date is over.<br />
<br />
Back at the freebie resort, Lindzi keeps dropping "L" bombs to anyone but Ben, and gushes in a P.I. as they sit down to dinner. Ben, looking wickedly nerdish in a bow tie, pumps her to get her to say it to his face. They hammer on about how "vulnerable" she has become since it's a big word to her. She finally gives in and tells him she is falling in love with him and wants a proposal. Ben smiles, but backtracks, "I'm starting to fall in love with this woman." Hold on. You were "in-love" with her a few minutes ago. What happened? Regardless, here comes the sex card. Lindzi croaks in her frog-voice:<br />
<br />
<i>"Ben and Lindzi,</i><br />
<i>Care to have a go?</i><br />
<i>Harrison."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Lindzi immediately throws down some caveats about not jumping in the sack so quickly, buuuuuuuuuuuuttttt…"I'd love to." Cha-Ching! As opposed to just being horny--like with Nicki--Ben tells us he's "honored" Lindzi is going to spend the night with him. They get a modern suite to go roll around in and after a few minutes of making out on the couch, its straight to the bed. Stormhorse "L" bombs about Lindzi and says he sees himself "spending the rest of <strike>the night</strike> my life with this woman."<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Courtney</span></b><br />
<br />
"Today is all about Courtney." You mean like the rest of the season? Ben can't wait to sow doubts to give any viewer a few straws to grasp praying he doesn't pick her. He warbles on about how she has treated the other women, blah, blah. They go for a choo-choo ride and Courtney mumbles out a great line I'm certain a producer fed her, "I feel like we're in a painting." Is that from <i>Desperate Housewives</i> or the <i>Joy Luck Club</i>? Sorry, she has me wondering where she steals her best lines from. Anyway, Ben, looking glassy-eyed and besotted, gushes about the fact that Courtney wants to learn new things. You mean Nicki and Lindzi don't? Nevermind. They wander around a village and shop for food and trinkets. Ben becomes animated and dances around in disbelief he's going to nail the hot chick while Courtney apologizes to no one in particular for acting like <i>Ursula the Sea Witch</i> the entire season. They sit on a blanket and have a picnic in a field full of cow shit and Ben finally gets nettled with her for all the godawful behavior we've had to sit through the whole season. But in true Stormhorse fashion, he doesn't hammer her for the way she made the others feel, he huffs about her making it hard on HIM. Huh? You pussy! Courtney does a P.I.and desperately tries to dredge up some tears (and fails). Suddenly she's all pitiful and mindlessly in love with Mr. Dweeb.<br />
<br />
They head into a wine cellar and Courtney keeps selling her contrition. Ben pours her a huge glass of merlot and she apologizes about treating the women so badly and she confesses to having her guard up. Your guard up? You were wrestling with his wiener 4 shows ago? Sounds like you need to hire a new guard. Ben soon displaces Nicki and takes the Desperation Gold Medal for himself and assures Courtney she is a peach, and she goes on about being immature and proves she took the hint from the producers that they were going to highlight every single bitchy thing she said and did. The redemption edit in progress, America yawns collectively. Ben exhales with relief and toasts her before he yanks out the sexcard.<br />
Courtney reads:<br />
<i>"Courtney…yeah, and Ben too,</i><br />
<i>Welcome to the amazing city of Intercourse. Switzerland. Speaking of intercourse, mind if we keep the cameras in the suite?</i><br />
<i>Wingman."</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Ben begs and she quickly relents without teasing him. They go to a rustic cabin and make out. Courtney keeps up the redemption move and keeps gushing about Ben. I kept waiting her to gouge him, "I'm losing the spark, babe." But no. They climb into a steaming hot tube and Stormhorse scores the trifecta.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Emily Interlude</span></b><br />
<br />
Time to remind the viewers not to run off into the blue retching over Ben and Courtney. It's time for an unprecedented pimp job featuring Emily Maynard, who will be filming the Bachelorette this March and viewers will see it in June. Little early isn't it? I think Fleiss just stole Ben's Gold Medal of Desperation from him. Nicki, you get the bronze, honey. Emily smiles at the camera and lets us know that she is waaaaayyy over Brad now. "My life has gotten back to normal." Suck on that, <b>Womack</b>. We quickly get a few nauseating shots of Emily wrestling her daughter--the dreaded Ricky-Tick--around and telling us the little gal is her whole world. Shift to L.A. and a hugggggeeeee stretch limo befitting someone of Emily's star status as she heads for a meeting with <b>Ali Fedo-whatshername</b> and <b>Ashley Hebert</b>. The two former ettes meet the future ette on an L.A. street corner. They try on a bunch of clothes and Emily looks way hotter than the other two. Now dressed in skin tight dresses, the triumvirate launches the theme for Emily's season and heads to a 3-D screening of <i>Titanic</i>. Suddenly Leo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet are on my screen making all Harlequin. They women depart their 10-minute version of a three hour movie and drink champagne on the street corner. Uh…"Date" over.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Back to Ben. Ugh</span></b><br />
<br />
We head back to Intercourse, Switzerland where Ben is wistfully gazing out onto some stone phallic symbols and contemplating all the tail he just scored and tells us Courtney has laid all his concerns to rest. And up walks last weeks dumpee, <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie</b>. She nervously knocks on his hotel room door as back in Clarksville, Tennessee, Kacie's conservative father has a coronary watching his daughter going hot-knocking on the hotel door of a guy who has just laid three women in one week. Ben greets her with a "Holy shit! and gives her an awkward hug. She is back seeking clarity and was clearly blindsided by being dumped. Ben tells her they were world's apart and sounds reasonable and caring. She finally accepts his answers and then winds up and warns him off Courtney…again. Ben goes glacial. He walks her out and she apologizes for being the bearer of bad news and she walks away as he closes the door. Lacking a balcony to collapse over, Kacie settles for a <i>Full Fedo-whatshername </i>and collapses onto the hotel hallway floor looking like she'd just been gored with a whaling harpoon. She finally gets up and walks off before hotel security comes and gets her and tells the cameras she got answers and if he gets engaged to Courtney, she will break his heart. Ben sits in his room thumping his knuckles on the coffee table wondering how someone who is so good in the sack could be so bad for him.<br />
<br />
When we return to the gimme hotel, Ben is wandering around doubting all over Courtney and wondering if he's being played. Harrison finally bestirs himself to get the low down. Ben fills him in and says he's confused now. Harrison tries to get him to let Kacie reenter, but Ben declines and they go into recap mode. He gushes about all the women and defends his choices, especially Courtney. Ben decides to "decompress" by staring at pictures of the women and gazing out at the big stone phallic symbols. When we return he's gazing at the women photos again and keeps on blathering about Courtney's motives and baits the crowd that he's about to wake up. Harrison leads the women in and states the obvious. Ben then comes in and hammers them with a string of long winded BS.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Roses:</span></b><br />
1) <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>. Looked very pretty.<br />
<br />
Harrison doesn't even bother to count to one.<br />
<br />
2) <b>Queen Courtney</b>--Never a doubt.<br />
<br />
Now, Harrison shows up to toss her out.<br />
<br />
Dumped: <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>. One solo date and no group roses: never had a chance. She came in dressed like a Roman Plebeian and walks out looking classy. Ben, hoping to avoid anymore sudden returns, sits her down and mumbles some non-closure for her. She gives the producers some tears, but never goes nuts.<br />
<br />
Next Week: <i>The Women Try and Kill One Another and Earn a Spot on Bachelor Pad 3.</i><br />
<br />
See ya then.<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-50352561341831885882012-02-21T18:35:00.000-08:002012-02-21T18:35:32.831-08:002/20-Dodging a Howitzer Shell<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGFeUFuozWM97LyQsFDMuCwqRucXyqCrL6K_x5d1WV-mw1ZpAUF5J9TP2bfjF9zZ_la0BmsGBZBAIOWlXhrGfC9PWh_lujl2rhqUFY4Ljc5gmBUAZP3aec18-FsQHlOAjqeXYJMNXPG1AN/s1600/Photo+Feb+20%252C+2012+11%253A40+PM" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGFeUFuozWM97LyQsFDMuCwqRucXyqCrL6K_x5d1WV-mw1ZpAUF5J9TP2bfjF9zZ_la0BmsGBZBAIOWlXhrGfC9PWh_lujl2rhqUFY4Ljc5gmBUAZP3aec18-FsQHlOAjqeXYJMNXPG1AN/s400/Photo+Feb+20%252C+2012+11%253A40+PM" width="400" /></a></div>Time to stop jet setting around the world on ABC's dime and it's time to visit the hometowns of the women foolish enough to bring Ben Flajnik home to meet their unhappy families. Hometown week on this season of the Bachelor turned out to be a low-key affair. We certainly can't accuse Stormhorse of keeping four of the same type of women this year. Things were different everywhere this season save one thing: Ben Flajnik was a disengaged robot not matter whose home he was at. I thought the families were going to keel over with boredom meeting this guy. Even compared to Brad Womack--a guy who could make a flag pole look animated-- cut off from the booze and the room to smooch the women to death, Ben looked disinterested, disengaged, and thoroughly bored with the whole mess. Strangely enough, so was I. But let's muddle through shall we?<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Horse, Meet Stormhorse</span></b><br />
<br />
We start off with <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>, hanging around a horse track in Ocala, Florida, where her parents live. Lindzi kicks it off by reading off a cue card about how "awesome" her dates with Ben have been. Yeah, sure. She is playing around with a stocky cart horse and fills us in about what a disaster her love life has been. Ben, who looks like now that he's finished with <i>Stormhorsing</i> his way through the Caribbean has decided to cut that chia pet on the top of his head with tin snips, reads his own cue card, "There are moments when we're together, when I could very well see myself falling in love with her." Left out is the part where he adds, <i>"Then I wake up."</i> Anyway, she greets him on her cart horse and they go for a cart ride. Once they stop in the grass, they climb off and have a picnic. It's here we get to see just how little Ben knows about her. She recounts her big trip to Dumpsville with her last boyfriend and tells him they even shacked up before he dumped her. Ben starts, "You did? Wow!" Yep, eight weeks and two dates, and he doesn't even know she had a live in. Hey Ben, how about kissing a little less and talking a little more, ok? Lindzi fills him in and Ben quickly falls into Robot Mode: <i>Blink-nod-blink-nod-</i>"Oh, you did? Glad you're being open and vulnerable." Lindzi assures him, "Vulnerable is a big word for me." Really? Like how "Plagiarism" is a big word for Courtney? More on that later. Finally Lindzi gets up and takes him to see her parents before Ben falls asleep and the Florida humidity turns Ben's hair into a frizz bush.<br />
<br />
They amble the horse up where Lindzi's parents await them with their own Jack Russell Terriers. Margie and John Cox ("She calls me Harry"--I bet she does) greet the happy couple with Chardonay and it's apparent just how much this meant to the parents. They even went and hired <b>Christine Baranski</b> to portray Margie Cox for the day. Anyway, the kids recount their adventures and Harry pops in to inform his clueless daughter that he married Christine Baranski in the very same San Francisco City Hall that Ben has the key to in his pocket. Amazing. Pops then hits them with a producer-inspired stunt and the youngers and elders engage in a cart horse race. Supposedly the old farts whip the youngsters despite the fact that Lindzi is reputed to be a world class horse jockey, and the youngsters looked fifty feet ahead the whole time. This is all so the "losers" can haul the winners back to the house. They sit down for a talk and Lindzi informs Christine Baranski that she thinks "she's falling in love." Truthfully, the parents were cool and Lindzi is nice but comes off as very inexperienced in relationships, which explains why she likes Ben. Ben then sits mumsy down and finds out they kept Lindzi away from boys, so he asks if Lindzi is ready to be engaged after her trip to Dumpsville. Mom gives a fair answer but mostly takes a dig at her daughter, "He was no good for her, but as a mom, you don't know anything--despite being married for forty years." Simmer down Christine! This isn't about you for once. Anyway, Ben sits down with dad and warns him he's not ready for proposals. Dad sits there drinking from a Mason jar wine glass like Buck Owens and agrees neither of them is ready. They all eat smores and Ben gets wistful, "I could see myself asking Harry Cox for advice". Dude, you're already doing that and he's not helping you out much. Anyway, they have a good time and Ben acts nearly lifelike. He then gushes about Lindzi, "She's humble; she's grounded--and I like that." Really? Then stop asking Harry Cox for advice, bud; cause humble isn't what you're about to get. Date over.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Last Train to Clarksville. Also Known as: The Parental Wrecking Ball.</span></b><br />
<br />
If ever there was proof of Ben's lack of foresight, this was it. Next up, we travel to Clarksville, Tenn; the home of 24 year-old Kacie Boguskie, who is going to act, and be treated like a High School senior by her parents. At 24, Kacie is the youngest remaining member of Ben's harem and to prove it she greets him at her old high school football field leading a marching band and twirling her baton. Frankly, I wanted to call a cop. You're a little old for her, aren't you Ben? Kacie, despite her undeniable heart of gold and terrific looks, was finally exposed for being ten miles out of her element on this show. Once she marches up, she attacks Ben like HE is the chia pet she had in her room all through school. Ben actually looked embarrassed. What follows was proof of Ben's idiocy: she hauls him up into the bleachers of <i>Boguskie Stadium</i> and tells him about her family, especially her dad. Ben's eyes bug out when she informs him she's from the local political gentry-southern mafia--and her dad is a tee-totaling, shoot-from-the-hip Federal Regulator. Ben drops a brick in his pants and mimes swallowing an orange--whole. "Her dad doesn't drink and I'm a booze salesman; not sure how this is going to go." I am.<br />
<br />
She pulls him away to meet the folks like a fan at a Menudo concert. Ben starts eyeing the exits before they even clear the stadium that's named after her southern mafia grandaddy. Mom Martha, Sister Allison, and Dun-dun-dun! Daddy, greet Ben. Being southern folk, they treat him hospitably, but with that cold frostiness we southerners are justly famous for when greeting someone we don't like. They sit down to dinner and Ben sticks his foot in it right away, "How's it been having this one away for so long?" Mom, who looks about 5 years older than her daughter lets Ben know they are a CLOSE family. Dad just stares and grunts threateningly. Ben tries to BS them about how this show makes you deal with your feelings. Kacie joins in and tries to explain to her iceberg parents that this helped her take the time to think about feelings. Dad grunts again but manages to smile politely, but in obvious disbelief, "That's good." Kacie then takes aside her younger sister, Allison to whine and complain that mommy and daddy won't let go to the prom with the skeezy dude…or get engaged either. Allison, who has to live with these people still, shuts her trap, smiles, and lets Kacie prattle on. Kacie talks about taking risks as opposed to getting married to a local boy from church and having a family in Clarksville, which is apparently what she's been basically told is going to happen. Despite the fact that her folks obviously love her, and have brains enough to know this show is about as real as P.T. Barnum, I was saddened to watch a 24 year-old go through what looked like teenaged rebellion.<br />
<br />
Dad finally sits Ben down and Ben starts to look like a guy who should have gotten to know this gal a little better. Dad, looking every inch the heavily armed Federal Agent/Church Deacon, goes right to it: "What did you see in Kacie to make you take her this far?"<br />
Ben starts rumblin', bumblin', and stumblin'. "Uh, the way she communicates. I noticed a special quality in her. I like her."<br />
Dad grunts.<br />
Ben starts to piss his pants. "Are…are you ok with this forum?"<br />
"Well, don't rush."<br />
That one Ben can handle. "I'm not!"<br />
Pops lets Ben know that he couldn't disapprove of him or this show any more if he had stepped in both of them while walking his dog. "If Kacie is not the one, dump her quick!"<br />
Ben eyes the exits again. Next up, Mom Martha, just to be certain that Ben got the message, throws a wrecking ball into the already smoldering wreck. "I've seen the show, and I see them..well, they move in together--and I have a serious problem with that."<br />
Touche, Mom! Wow, how many messages did she hide in those few sentences? Allow me to translate: <i>You're not allowed to shack up with my 24 year-old daughter and since I've watched the show--forget about the Fantasy Suite Stormhorse! </i><br />
Yikes! Ben now swallows a grapefruit. "I…..uh, uh, have traditional values." Like shtupping models on Puerto Rican beaches, Ben? Oh man, for once I should let the guy off easy--he's clearly suffered enough here. But this is the price you pay for kissing when you should be talking. Dummy.<br />
<br />
Kacie now has a sit down with pops, but the die is already cast. Pops now shows the country common sense and basically rules out a quick engagement. Kacie tries to talk him around, "Dad, I've fallen in love with him."<br />
Pops glares at her, <i>Like hell you have</i>. Oh man, this was painful. Pops pretty much communicates to her that the reverends son, who has always liked her, will be coming by later to start courtin'. Dad lets her know that he will refuse any any request for her hand. The guy is honest--hell, they all were, and there can be no doubt that they were right, like parents usually are, but a 24 year-old college graduate shouldn't need to lie about wanting to live with a guy to her parents. That's my take anyway, even as a southern boy. Kacie walks him out and senses her parents have destroyed this for her. Did they? No, this guy was never gonna pick her, but the parents made sure that didn't happen, just in case. Date over.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Narrating Texas</span></b><br />
<br />
As this episode went on, its become apparent why a girl who got 1, one-on-one date and ZERO group date roses narrated this season: because if they didn't use her P.I.'s to narrate everything, we wouldn't have a clue who this girl who made the final 3 was. Never have I seen a bigger also-ran go this far in any Bachelor competition. Nicki greets Ben in Texas and shows off the fact that when it comes to bod, looks, etc, she is not in any of the other three girls' league. Don't get me wrong--she's my favorite of the remaining women, but I have to be honest here. Anyway, Nicki takes Ben to a cowboy shop and they dress like Texas yokels instead of like the last time, when they dressed like Puerto Rican yokels. But Nicki looked GREAT in her cowgirl jeans and big belt, big hips notwithstanding. Hell, even Ben looked less weird in the bad assed Clint Eastwood get-up they donned him in. Once done with the Texas stereotypes we meet Nicki's family--a great bunch of folks who care about their daughter as much as Kacie's family did about her, without the controlling behavior. Turns out mom and pops have been divorced for ages, but everyone seemed cool and looked to care about each other. But the star here was pops; Nicki's dad was a caring and decent man who actually bawled a little when talking to Nicki and asked her forgiveness for not protecting her from her ex-husband. This was sweet. Damn shame it was wasted on a guy with no real interest in her. Nicki, I hope you take the free flight to Switzerland and then eliminate yourself before he does. Anyway, Ben gets an "I'm in love you," and a father's blessing he doesn't want, but he cheeses us anyway, "Today, there were moments when I looked over at Nicki and thought, I love this girl." Date over.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Lady Vader in the Desert</span></b><br />
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Well, say what you will, but at least we got to see Courtney act remotely human this time. Standing outside she awaits Ben basking in the sun and a voice over tells us how she's had to think about how she treated the other girls. Heh. Nice audio splice, Fleiss; did you record this last week when the backlash exploded in your faces? Anyway, Courtney is shown to take ben home to meet her folks while Ben gushes about the clarity he got by being able to sit next to her on a Mayan Human Sacrifice Temple and still get a boner. The folks greet Ben: dad Rick, mom Sherry, who already looked ready to run to a tabloid, and Courtney's sister. They eat on the patio, and mom, looking like an even crazier Madeline Kahn, scoffs skeptically. Pops seats Ben and tells Ben that marriage is an insane gamble or something similar. Looking at his wife, the guy has a point. But that doesn't stop dad from trying desperately to get Ben to take his maniac-daughter off his hands. Seconds after telling Ben that marriage is a wild gamble, pops is pimping for grandkids. Mom and Courtney share a talk, and I thought for a moment that Courtney was adopted, until I see they share the crazy eyes. Mom folds quick and the whole family wants Ben to haul her away and keep her away.<br />
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Courtney now takes Ben out to a fake wedding, where Courtney gets her moment to look sincere, but shows her insincerity by plagiarizing some mock wedding vows. How sincere were her words of love? Let's see:<br />
<br />
<b>Carrie Bradshaw to Mr. Big on Sex in the City:</b><br />
<i>Carrie: "I’m looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each other love."</i><br />
<br />
<b>Courtney Robertson to Mr. Small on the Bachelor:</b><br />
<i>Courtney: "I'm looking for love, real love, all-consuming, can't live without it love."</i><br />
Aww, true love. Puke.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Who's This Strange Guy?</span></b><br />
<br />
Suddenly we're back in L.A., and Ben is sitting and talking with a guy who looks somewhat familiar. Whoa, is that <b>Harrison</b>? Jeez, Wingman, how come you're not drunk in the hotel bar? He should have just stayed in the bar getting tanked. His only purpose is to nod and prompt Ben to merely recap the visits with previously seen footage now shown through a gauzy lens. No sign of all those fatherly advice sessions Harrison keeps telling us about, just a lame recap. Hell, let's just do it.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Roses:</span></b><br />
<br />
1) <b>Queen Courtney</b>--she had him at Hello (Thank you, <i>Jerry Maguire</i>).<br />
<br />
2) <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>--Does she have a chance? Slim and none.<br />
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3) <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>--none.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Dodged a Howitzer Shell:</span></b><br />
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<b>Sweetie-Pie Kacie</b>. Ben walks her out where she falls completely to pieces. he does nothing but mumble he's sorry and then sends her on her way where she comes completely unglued. I'm sure Christmas at the Boguskie house was a chilly affair, but after watching this show, even Kacie must be thanking them for the sabotage job. She'll be busy fielding offers, and I hope happy.<br />
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Next Week: Switzerland Calls.<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-28783543462791219152012-02-15T17:00:00.000-08:002012-02-15T17:00:07.243-08:002/14--Happy Valentines Day! The Courtney Show, Part 7<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
My Friends, it's time we all faced facts. We are a crowd of people standing on a hillside peering down into a beautiful valley. And in that valley--far off in the distance--we are watching two locomotives approaching each other at ever increasing speed on the same track. <i>Train wreck</i>, doesn't even begin to cover what we're watching. Let's see what <b>Chris Wingman Harrison</b> has to say about this season now that he's sobered up from his trip to Switzerland:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>"You never know how America is going to react, and even during filming, I wouldn't have predicted they'd feel this way."</i></span><br />
<br />
No! You don't mean your idea of a "homerun" isn't being shared by the viewers? I'm shocked! No more talk of "the evolution of a man" is being spouted by the Winger. Nope, he's in dedicated cover-his-own-ass-mode:<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Although Harrison understands the blame aimed towards Ben, he does say that he wished viewers could see the deliberations. "He and I spoke before he pulled Courtney aside, and I think if viewers saw that, they would've seen just how much I pushed him on it and why he ultimately started to question her," he says.</span></i><br />
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Yeah, 'ol Harrison was throwing warnings right and left, we just weren't allowed to see how he tried to save the day. Gone now is even any attempt to bait a happy ending:<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"This season may not be a Trista and Ryan fairytale or an Ashley and J.P. situation where everyone's rooting for them ... but as long as people have opinions about it, that's what matters," Harrison says. "It's when they're indifferent that it's bad."</span></i><br />
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Ha! Ha! Just damn! C'mon folks, pile on board; the locomotives are closing fast and it should be quite a carnage-filled massacre when they strike! You just have to love the temerity of the buzzards who make this show, don't you? Gather around folks, the vultures are circling and the carrion will be served well-done. No other way to approach this now--coming alongside with snark cannons belching broadsides of venom--let's get this on!<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">"Be-lize" Stop Saying Such Cheesy, Fake Shit!</span></b><br />
<br />
We see Ben come airplaning his way down on Ambergris Cay in the Central American paradise, Belize. He pimps the Coco Beach Resort to pay for the lodging before he climbs from his plane and tells us the island lifestyle is slow, "so I can think about everything." Thinking is obviously not Benny-Boy's strong suit. If he'd quit thinking with his wiener for a minute, he wouldn't need a tropical isle to lounge on so he could gain clarity. Anyway, the women come planing in from wherever and come boating over to the gimme' of the week. They all gush about the resort and <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b> gets a chance to throw down her first shark-metaphor about <b>Queen Courtney</b>. All the remaining women join in and whine about having to share their girlyman with other women and about how "real" it's all becoming. Somebody finally got the <b>Wingman</b> out of the resort pool, and he comes stumbling up dressed in his blue linen shirt to let the women know that Ben is already a goner and to swear to the almighty that Ben is certain his wife is here in this resort. (Cue audience laughter). He dramatically warns that the women who get roses this week, will have to take Ben home and try to explain their sudden madness to their parents. He then hits them with a change up: Three 1-on-1 dates and 1 group date; rose only on the group affair. Slipping the first date card from his jeans, Harrison calls out Queen Courtney to try and read aloud while he slithers back to the resorts bar. As Courtney tries to pronunciate words,<b> Nicky the Narrator</b> narrates and plays the punching bag by whining about how much she needs another date as Courtney reads out the name of<b> Lindzi the Misspelled</b>. Nicki shuts up for a minute and frowns while Courtney reads: "Lindzi, two halves make a whole…Ben." It takes obvious producer-prompting for Lindzi to exclaim: "I'm excited!" Who are you trying to convince, Lindzi? Nicki narrates again and bawls about how envious she is and cries like a meltdown case.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Ben Jumps Into Another Big Hole</span></b><br />
<br />
The producers get Lindzi and Courtney to stage a fake conversation so they can get some shots of the other gals in bikinis scowling as Ben ambles up dressed in what looks like boxer shorts and a wife beater. Sexy. He has a front pocket on his wife-beater? What is he a nerd from Alabama? Awful. Anyway, he grabs Lindzi and rides off with her in another helicopter. They soar around the caye to show off the tourist value of the place while Lindzi lets us know she is about 7 gazillionth woman on this show with a fear of heights. Lindzi, sounding like a old woman with one of those fake voice boxes, growls about how she and Ben share values. Really? You skinny dip with men while simultaneously dating ten others? Damn, sounds like a match. They copter around some reefs and the chopper finally settles over a blue hole surrounded by a coral reef. Ben assures us it's 500 feet deep and then tells Froggy they're going to jump into it. <i>Ding! Ding!</i> Yes, it's time for another <i>Leap of Faith</i>! I can't remember if this is the third or fourth one this season, or the 537th one the last few seasons. C'mon, Harrison; come up with some kind of original theme, would you? The chopper pilot settles in to about ten feet and you can all but see Ben shoving a terrified Lindzi closer to the chopper door. What was she afraid of? Is the ocean around Belize made of concrete? My diving board is higher up than that chopper was. Regardless, they dramatically hop in. The audience is asked to forget that the jump Ben took with Elyse in Puerto Rico off the top of that rental boat was higher than this. But that wasn't a <i>Leap of Faith</i>, you see; you are only allowed to use tired, stale, worn-out metaphors on this show if you mean to keep the girl instead of dump her. The swim around kissing and get out on a camera boat and make out.<br />
<br />
When next we see them, they are approaching the dock and the sun has set. Ben hauls her up onto a dock so they can have some forced, stupid conversation.<br />
"It was such a good day. Every date getting better and better. It's great!"<br />
"Absolutely!"<br />
(Crickets)<br />
The second he has nothing to say, Ben kisses her. Lindzi then hits him with her trademark stare. In other words, she dips her head and has to look up through her messy bangs at him. Finally, he pumps her about hometowns and wonders if she is ready to bring him home. Lindzi frog-voices her assent to having to explain to her folks why she wants them to meet this spineless loser.<br />
Back at the gimme', the date card arrives and <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b> reads off "Emily, do you Be-lize in love…Ben" Puke! Convinced I'm not vomiting hard enough, we head back at the dock to see Lindzi is now thoroughly bombed and they trade canned metaphors about a Leap of Faith. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ben produces a bottle and parchment so they can write a dumb poem, draw a kiddy picture, and stuff it into the bottle so they can litter the harbor. Date over.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Stool Pigeons Last Stand</span></b><br />
<br />
Emily's face pops up on screen. "I'm going on a date today and I don't know what we're going to be doing but it's going to be amazing!" Right. You have no idea what nonsense he's about to foist on you, but you already know it's going to be amazing? Fleiss, (face in hands, tears threatening to fall) will you puleeezzzee get some new writers, you cheap old bastard! Emily must have a 130 I.Q. and she sounds like <i>Forrest Gump</i>! Who the hell writes this shit; <i>George Lucas</i>? Anyway, this is just an excuse to get <b>Queen Courtney</b> to sound all woe-is-me. They cram Emily into a plane and she lands on Caye Caulker where Ben is waiting on her. They share a tepid hug and Ben takes her to wander around. It looks almost exactly like Brad Womack's date with Shawntel Newton, sans the crazy Rastafarian lady and the world famous Bankie Banx. Turns out Bankie wasn't in the budget. Ben takes her to play basketball and gets confused; he thinks it's football and tries to tackle her. Emily pulls up and drains a two footer. Take that, girlyman! Your girlfriend just gave you a facial! Whoops, wrong girlfriend. Anyway, they just happen to wander down a dock where some dude is playing with some lobster and just happens to be willing to take them lobster diving. Wasn't that lucky? He just happened to be willing to take them out. Wasn't that sweet of him? (Fleiss! I'm serious; new writers!) They head out on his boat and Emily and Ben catch a lobster. Ben, being the eternal teenaged boy, holds the crustacean airborne in victory and asks Emily that famous junior high school canard, <i>"Hey, Emily, what's worse than a lobster on your piano?"</i><br />
<i>She stares at him in confusion, "I have no idea. What?"</i><br />
<i>"A crab on your organ!"</i><br />
No, not really. I just made that last part up, but tell me it wasn't better than Fleiss' writers and perfect for Ben's maturity level. Anyway, they flash back to the gimme to keep the focus on Courtney. Turns out the queen is busy pestering Lindzi and wants to whine, threaten to refuse a rose if she doesn't get the next one-on-one, and cry about what a zero Ben is. Seven weeks and 587 arrogant, mean, and self-centered comments and she finally said something I agree with. <i>Amazing</i>. When we return from commercial, we see…Courtney? Isn't this Emily's date? Why am I looking at Courtney lounging in bed and acting like she knows how to write in a journal? Hey Emily! Are you still here? Turns out she's is, and I'm sure she was wishing she wasn't. Ben couldn't land Bankie Banx, but Fleiss has kidnapped his band. Ben is dancing Emily around at a party, driving his tongue down her throat and telling us a bunch of lies about her. They then sit down at an outdoor table and eat the lobsters they caught so Ben can bait her into confessing that she wants him to come meet her parents. Emily works hard, assures him it's true and invites him back to North Carolina. Ben drops into full Robot Mode the entire time she was speaking: <i>Blink-Nod-Blink-Nod-Blink-Nod</i>-"Why thank you!" Yeah, I don't think we have to book that flight to the Carolinas. Ben then proposes a toast and all but admits she is too smart for him, despite her inability to see that he's about to dump her. Date over.<br />
<br />
Queen Courtney mopes back at the gimme' threatening to walk off the show if she doesn't get a one-on-one. (Cue door knock). Lindzi reads the card: <i>"Courtney, please forgive me for not making every date with you… Ben"</i>, or something like that. Courtney manages the prodigious feat of dancing around in victory without ever getting up. "Ohhhhh, snap. About time! Gimme my date card! He's a smart boy--he listens." If Ben ever gets out of basement she locks him in and sees this, he's liable to be embarrassed. Nah. Anyway, Kacie loses her mind in a P.I. "It took every freaking fiber of my being not to spring across the room and punch her right in the face!" It was like watching <i>Mother Teresa</i> going postal.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Is It Possible To Order a Human Sacrifice? I Want To Place an Order...For Two.</b></span><br />
<br />
Courtney mopes around the gimme' and tries to sell the audience that despite being naked in his presence the last three weeks, she's not sure she feels anything for the wormy little dude. Yet another plane lands in Lamanai and Ben, who is hanging out on yet another jungle runway awaits his empress. He walks her five feet into the jungle before he starts scraping and groveling "I'm sorry it's taken so long to get you on another one of these…" They walk ten feet and arrive at the base of a Mayan Pyramid. "I was walking through the jungle with Courtney and we come across this Mayan temple…" Uh-huh. Just wandering around in a random piece of Belizian jungle and you just happened to stumble upon a Mayan temple, eh Ben? Courtney perks up at the thought of all the blood and horror surrounding them, "Is this where they do the Human Sacrifices?" Well, she knows that anyway. In a P.I., <i>Darth Courtney</i> maps out her strategy. "…He went out with Emily; if she gets a hometown, that will be really unattractive to me…" Subtle, isn't she? They then march up the pyramid steps and climb straight up to a platform near the top. They lay down a blanket on the spot they seem certain was a sacrifice altar and she proceeds to bust his gnat-sized balls. The sun blasts down and the take turns covering their eyes from the broiling sun as she holds court. "I was down because you were with Emily, and she's the person who said nasty things to me…and if I didn't get a date from you, honestly, I wasn't going to accept a rose from you. Also I'm not about to bring someone home when I don't know where we're at." This is the place where I'd normally congratulate a contestant for having enough moxy to put it out there straight. But I'm afraid I can't…since its HER. She whines that despite dominating every group date and watching him drool all over her and ignore the other women, "I lost the spark, babe." Ben seizes with terror. I seize with revulsion.<br />
<br />
Any other contestant in the 16 seasons of this show who'd have uttered this bunch of threats would have been summarily dismissed on the spot. God help me, but even <b>Jake Pavelka</b> would have kicked her of the side of that temple for those threats. I call for more wine and fight down the rising bile as Ben springs into action:<br />
<i> "If anything I respect it more that you <strike>threaten to dump me if I don't kiss your ass and cut the girls you want me to cut </strike>tell me those things. I like you and I'm amazed you've been able to hang on <strike>since I wasn't able to fix your dinner for you and wash your clothes and console you while those other awful bitches got to be the recipient of your mean sneers and vicious put downs.</strike> In those group dates, <strike>because you were shamelessly flirting with me and had your clothes off half the time,</strike> I noticed you--I did!"</i><br />
<br />
Is there anything on this earth more pathetic than a 28 year-old "man" groveling on his belly like a whipped cur? Ben might as well have fixed a spiked dog collar around his neck and licked her feet. Just gross. He keeps on gushing until she finally shut him up so she could get him to beg to be able to come to her hometown. They sit up on the top tier of the temple and he starts wondering how proud his dad would be of him for acting like a 14 year-old pawing at the first woman who touched his dick. Are we sure Ben wasn't a virgin when she vagina-raped him on that Puerto Rican beach? Those who hammered Ben for being a Stormhorse can stop worrying. Stormhorse wasn't an alter ego, it was a fantasy Ben dreamed up. He hasn't got enough sand in his tank to be a Stormhorse. He takes to dinner and grovels a little more and all but guarantees her a rose. Courtney gets a chance to shoot a final kiss off to the women with her fully loaded fingers. "Pshoo, pshoo…kill shot! Pack your bags, ladies, it's all over!" Yeah, for once, listen to her ladies. Date, and Ben's remaining dignity: over.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Swimming With…Nurse Sharks?</span></b><br />
<br />
My, that was dangerous wasn't it? <i>Nurse Sharks</i>? Are you kidding me? They're about as dangerous as goldfish. Shhh! Nobody tell <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b>; she was terrorfied, I tell ya! I was waiting to see <i>Nemo</i> and his dad come swimming into the picture and scare the poor Nurse Sharks to death. They finally get a rational fear that EVERYONE has and they make a joke of it. <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie</b>, sounding more and more like a Tennessee Rambo-ette this episode, shouts, "I'm not scared of the sharks! I'm scared Rachel is hogging all of Ben's time!" Heh. Regardless, what do we need to say about this date? Ben took his three also-ran women out on a boat to swim with the terrifying Nurse Sharks. Rachel, whom Ben has had one boring, awkward, chemistry-free date with, swims around hogging Ben's attention and showing off some nice juggs. <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>, whose had one boring, awkward, low-chemistry date with Ben, and never gets a group date rose, sports a darkening tan and some awesome juggs Ben has ignored.<br />
Only Kacie, who scores yet another group date rose has he shown any interest in. Who are they kidding? This was just an excuse for the women to get Ben alone and try (again) to warn him about Courtney. What for? He's seen her in action; what more does he need to know? No matter. They warn him anyway and he blithely ignores them. <i>Choo! Chooooooooooo!</i><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Courtney's Final Moment…for This Week.</span></b><br />
<br />
On to the cocktail party that wasn't. The women come walking up to the gimmes' patio area barefoot and sit down. Courtney, already half-gassed and acting extra double obnoxious, drinks booze and whoops it up while the other women squirm nervously awaiting the chance to impress our hero one last time. But our hero is a no-show. Out walks anti-hero Harrison and informs the women that <strike>Courtney's</strike> Ben's mind is made up and <strike>she</strike> he needs no more time to decide. Courtney's plays with her drink like a drunk, retarded, 4 year-old while Harrison lines 'em up.<br />
<br />
<b>Roses: Sweetie Pie Kacie the Rambo-ette.</b><br />
<br />
Ben wanders in and just for some added false drama, he drags Courtney aside before he starts so he can bask in the glow of her wonderfulness a few more minutes. The producers monitor their talk so they can bait the audience that he's actually gotta set of nuts and is going to dump her. Courtney shrugs and basically tells him she wasn't here to make friends and has ben a total bitch. Ben nods and leads her back.<br />
<br />
<b>Roses:</b><br />
1) <b>Narrator Nicki-</b>-why? I mean, I like her but Ben doesn't seem too. Not a single group date rose?<br />
<br />
2) <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>--well, I understand this one anyway.<br />
<br />
Enter Wingman: <i>"Ladies, Courtney, Ben; this is the final rose tonight. Ben, when you dump Rachel and Emily, be sure not to walk them out. We want the audience to think you're an even bigger turd than they already do. When you're ready…"</i><br />
<br />
3) <b>Courtney</b>--she bounces up and gets her flower like drunken pre-school has just been convened. Once she has the flower she skips back to her place twirling it around like the Lombardi Trophy and does everything but slap Emily in the face with it.<br />
<br />
<b>Dumped</b>:<br />
<b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b>--sweetie, your days of filling a dress with your wonderful juggs are over. And <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b>. Good luck finding a date, Doctor. You'll need it when the first three hundred men who see you try and get your phone number.<br />
<br />
<b><u>The Captain's Conclusion:</u></b> ok, it's Valentines Day, February 14th and I'm making my call.<i> But Captain; we don't want to hear any spoilers!</i> Who said anything about spoilers? The show has spoiled itself. He picks Courtney…and they deserve one another too. As for all of you people out there who keep saying Courtney makes "good TV." then you're watching the wrong show. There's plenty of trash TV out there these days, but I'm not interested in it. Watching Courtney has been like being trapped in a dentist chair for 7 weeks. This chick is so self-centered she has her own gravitational field. That's not good TV to me.<br />
<br />
Next week: The Courtney Show, part 8, what else? I'll see ya then.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-20081343798963886822012-02-07T17:38:00.000-08:002012-02-07T17:38:58.199-08:002/6--And the Band Played On<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
The Magical Date of Kacie B.<br />
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Just how magical was it? I have no idea. Turns out the Wench Queen fiddled with our DVR to make sure she didn't miss the debut of <i>The Voice</i> and fiddled the <i>Bachelor</i> right off the recorder. I'm soooo glad she did too. I mean there is such a horrible shortage of shitty singing shows in our house. Anyway, we usually wait 15 or 20 minutes into the show before we start watching so we can skip the commercials, so the early part of the show has vanished into Dish Network vapor. And since my internet connection sucks so much ass (Thank you, AT&T!) I couldn't catch it online and was reduced to reading the <b>Wingman's</b> blog for clues. Suffice it to say, I wasn't the only one missing Kacie's date with Ben; turns out the Wingman was busy cratering his gameshow, <i>You Deserve It!</i> into the ground and skipped the date too. Ok, since he was too busy hosting <strike>hiding in the resort bar</strike> his gameshow, I'll have to wing this. Ben took Kacie to an Puerto Rican island (I'll assume a helicopter was involved) where they frolicked in the sand and surf and he peck-kissed her a bunch and then gave her a rose. Date over. Hey, this is easy; maybe I'll skip watching from now on and just write the recaps this way. It's not like they're going to do anything I haven't seen before.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Group Date:</span></b><br />
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Yeah, when I finally got to start watching, the Group Date names had already been called and <b>Boom-Boom Blakely</b> and <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b> know they're the ones been called out for the <i>2-on-1-Somebody-Gets-Jettisoned Date</i>. When I finally see the show Ben is puttering around in a super long John Boat with an outboard on the back in the middle of some Panamanian River. He picks up <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b>; <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>; <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>; <b>Casey S</b>.; <b>Nurse Jamie</b>; and of course, <b>Queen Courtney</b>. They putter along to a Panamanian Tourist Trap so the Bachelor can begin its once or twice a season cultural open-mindedness tour. Ben guides them up out of the water where they've been pelted with Rainforest rain, and up to a village of tame natives. The natives, who actually live in normal houses and dress in jeans and t-shirts, have donned their tribal bead gear and are hanging out in a mock-up of a real native village. This is all a huge excuse to dress the women in Tarzan and Jane tribal gear and let Queen Courtney yank her tits out. All the other women take turns running to the camera for private interviews about what a skank Courtney is for getting naked with the natives. Ben foams at the mouth and appears to ignore all the other women while Courtney parades around with her nipples poking through the bead layer and giggling like a moron. <b>Fleiss</b> got out his black boxes again and plastered them across Courtney's…stomach? Breast meat expert <b>Greaseball Wes Hayden</b> Tweeted, <i>"Surprise! Courtney's got her arrangatang titties floppin' in the wind."</i> Who am I to argue with the Greaseball? Considering the black box placement, it does appear that gravity has started acting unkindly to the Queen though. Regardless, Ben emerges with the local chief and shows off the least impressive Bachelor bod since <b>Jason Mesnick</b> first pestered <b>DeAnna Pappas</b>. Should have sent the guy to the gym, Fleiss. He hams around and stares at Courtney's "arrangatang titties". Regardless, what's the over-under on how long it takes before Hayden crashes into that like a Saturn V rocket?<br />
<br />
As night falls, Ben hauls the women back to a Donald Trump freebie resort and grabs <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b> to brag about his tribal loincloth, and talk about how hot he is for compared to all the other women except Courtney. They discuss Dumpsville again before they make out. Back at the gimme', <b>Boom-Boom</b> and <b>Marlboro Girl</b> show off contrasting styles of their expectations for their 2-on-1 showdown: Blakely, for extra foreshadowing, insists she is "super confident' while Rachel complains about having to share and acts nervous. Meanwhile, back at the hotel pool, Ben hauls Queen Courtney away so he can brag about getting her naked again. He pretty much tells her he knows she's a total bitch and he's cool with it. The baby voice comes out so she can whine about losing sight of "them'. Ben gapes at her in sheer terror, "How can you lose sight of something like that?" Because she's done it with a hundred guys, dummy. She skanks down and tells him what room she's in so he can come by and bang her again. She hangs on him and does everything but stuff her panties into his mouth. Now it's time for the producer-maggots to ply their snake-like trade on <b>Nurse Jamie</b>. Jamie has been rendered mercifully mute up to this point, but now egged on that she's about to get dumped for not being forward and agressive enough, Jamie falls into the Fleiss-web and plans to get herself humiliated before departing. Jamie plans to jump him, but Queen Courtney has other ideas. Ben sits Jamie down and she tries to talk with him, but the producers send Courtney in behind them in a white bikini to frolic in the pool. Ben, acting like a 16 year-old in a whorehouse, practically gives himself whiplash trying to ogle Courtney while Jamie tries to talk to him. Rude. Dude, you're such a teenager; haven't you seen enough of that yet? Ben finally gets a moment alone with <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b> and instead of being a Courtney-rat again, she shows off her I.Q. and a good sense of humor. But this is merely a set up, of course. After apologizing to Ben for ragging his girlfriend, Emily returns to the harem and tries to apologize to Courtney. Courtney, now good and drunk, waves around her cask of red wine around and sneers, "So I'm supposed to bend over and take it up the tailpipe?" No, no, Courtney. That's for later. And please wait until the cameras are gone before you take it up the tailpipe this time, ok? Anyway, she proves that edit has nothing to do with anything; she's a mean, nasty bitch and Ben could care less. He does, however, take Lindzi aside and hand her the flower. Courtney screws up her trout pout mouth, fumes and plans her tailpipe invasion for later. We now see Courtney in "her" room waiting on Mr. Wonderful to come by and hammer her tailpipe while she whines that men love her in the beginning, but once they're done assaulting her tailpipe and discover what a harpy she is, they dump her. Alas, <i>Romeo Stormhorse </i>doesn't arrive until the cameras leave. Date over.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Boom-Boom Gets Blindsided</span></b><br />
<br />
Time for some 2-on-1 sandbagging. Blakely gushes about how pumped she is to go and get dumped. Courtney wishes them both unending agony in the bowels of hell, and off they go. Ben, dressed in a Farmer Brown checked-shirt and piss-yellow pants, greets them and takes them to a place to learn salsa dancing. He lies about how "equal" the women are and takes them to meet a pro salsa teacher. They get made over in salsa dancing dresses that make them both look like characters in a <i>Dr. Seuss</i> book. The teacher puts Ben through the paces while the women look on. Rachel stands there while Blakely practices while the coach does the steps. Rachel struggles around and then Blakely steps in and does the dance with a sexy vavoom. They battle over who gets to cut in on who while Ben stands there like a robot. Blakely vavooms while Rachel stumbles around. He then takes them to a mighty uncomfortable dinner. He takes Rachel away first and Rachel gets sufficiently desperate and kisses Ben's ass for him. He returns the favor and kisses her lips. Blakely gets her time and says she is super nervous and cries. She tells Ben, "I feel like I'm always the one talking…" He stonewalls her some more so she whips out a producer-inspired scrapbook. <i>BUZZZ!</i> Clear violation of etiquette for pulling out a collage before the Last Chance Dates. Ben looks detached and unimpressed, but she walks away "much more confident." He makes out with her to set the stage. The trap laid, they head back to the table. "Rachel, will you accept this rose?" Blakely's head snaps around and she hops up and storms off. He goes to follow her while she pulls a "Flajnik" and marches off ignoring him. I was cheering her on too. "Go Blakely! Don't stop!" But she finally does. She cries all over him as he deposits her in the cargo van and Rachel gets her moment to pull a Courtney. "I have the rose and Blakely does not!" The bag snatcher comes into the cage and hauls Blakely's bag away. The other women basically cheer. Yeah, who's gonna' do your hair now, girls? Date over.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Sherlock Harrison Nails Another One</span></b><br />
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The women, their hair partially set without Blakely's help, sit around on the sofas gossiping when in walks the oft-absent <b>Wingman</b>. The producers, having decided it's time to remove Courtney's only ally in the house, send Harrison in to out mute <b>Casey S</b>. for having a boyfriend. What ensues it a ridiculous pantomime of Justin Rated-R Rego's outing at the hands of Ali Fedotowsky a few seasons back. Harrison takes Casey outside and confronts her with the info they've clearly had for a while: Casey has a guy back home she was basically living with right before the show started filming. Since Harrison has been too busy getting his gameshow canceled to talk with Ben this season, this is his <i>Big Moment</i>. The past few seasons the guy has been reduced to acting like a Private Detective taking dirty photos of cheating husbands. He browbeats Casey, who is a terrible liar, until she finally admits she loves the guy who helped out her. Sufficiently pleased, Prosecutor Wingman slaps on his deerstalker, dangles his clay pipe from his mouth and takes her to number 10 Baker Street or wherever they have Ben stashed. Sherlock leads her up some stairs barefoot and down to Ben's room. He answers the door with the cameraman clearly visible behind him, "Uh, I wasn't expecting you both…" What, was Harrison due to give you a massage, Ben? Harrison sits her down and she tells Ben she loves some other douche who doesn't want to get married either. Ben goes cold, <i>"I think that since I cut several less attractive women who were really into me instead of you, that you should just leave and let me stand out on the balcony, wistfully gazing at the ocean like I just cut one so I can try and remember your name."</i> Harrison leads Casey outside so she can bawl about what a shit sandwich her life is. Boo hoo. He then throws her into a van with no shoes on and no baggage and orders the driver to buy her a bus ticket back to America. She melts down like they are going to make her walk back home. Barefoot.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">A Nearly Flawless Escape, Foiled.</span></b><br />
<br />
Oh, you demon producers; couldn't you just let her go with all her dignity intact? Of course you couldn't. <b>Nurse Jamie</b>, who's spent the last 6 weeks as a mute, becomes a desperation highlight when she tries to save her TV skin at the last minute. The producers, doubtlessly egging her on, sit back and watch as she tries to vavoom it up like her name is Courtney, but craters her sterling edit instead. Desperate to stay in the game, Jamie takes Ben aside and tries to dry hump him to death. Her dress gives her a near fatal wedgie as she tries to climb on his crotch and make out with him. So uncomfortable with the cameras in her face, she cracks up in his mouth when she cries to kiss him. Valiantly trying to get them on the same page, she tries to give closed mouth/open mouth kissing instructions to him. Ben finally puts his head in his hand and begs her to stop. <i>Up yours, Fleiss</i>. Despite the desperate awkwardness, Jamie was very nice on night one and clearly did nothing else besides this to embarrass herself cause you know damn well we'd have seen it if she did.<br />
<br />
<b>Roses</b>:<br />
Already safe: <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie B</b>.; <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>; <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel.</b><br />
1) <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>--got her 5 minutes alone with him, but that's all.<br />
2) <b>Queen Courtney:</b><br />
<i>"Courtney, will you accept this rose?"</i><br />
<i>"Of course; I'll keep it in my tailpipe for the next time you get to see my Arrangatang Titties."</i><br />
3) <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b>: Just hanging on.<br />
<br />
Dumped: <b>Jamie, the Embarrassed Nurse</b>. The Bubble came too late, Get away while you can, girl!<br />
<br />
Next week: <i>The Courtney Show</i> moves to Belize. See ya then.<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-78183833297608985212012-01-31T18:50:00.000-08:002012-01-31T18:50:21.154-08:001/30--Stormhorse in All His Glory<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilKyOD1sbA0LrXwDo5bS4Pv1IafKFW9WORUIUNtL1AJjgvodv-H_6Kz5n_pWqYdMEtfQatFdQGthr5YRK9MG9N8ucIqcyzld7hLg1W1wkGAa4uenOCX72aHxG7M3xpFL5Axqj8XaCDUcCN/s1600/Stormhorse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilKyOD1sbA0LrXwDo5bS4Pv1IafKFW9WORUIUNtL1AJjgvodv-H_6Kz5n_pWqYdMEtfQatFdQGthr5YRK9MG9N8ucIqcyzld7hLg1W1wkGAa4uenOCX72aHxG7M3xpFL5Axqj8XaCDUcCN/s400/Stormhorse.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>Man, I must be watching the wrong channel. Is this Flava Flav? Brett Michaels? Did I stumble into some Rock of Love? 70's porno? Damn. Just damn. The question I asked the first week of this season now has a definitive answer: Welcome, Mr. Stormhorse! Your condoms and Cream Dream lotions are ready. No wonder those poor bastards in Puerto Rico thought they were filming a porno--they were! Bob Guiney you can sleep soundly at night; you've been surpassed as the all-time sleaze king of the Bachelor. While Bob composes a love sonnet to Ben Flajnik for taking him off the hook, I guess I better try and recap.<br />
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This week starts out with Ben narrating the big move from Utah to Vieques, Puerto Rico. A cheap graphic helps the idiots in the audience know that Puerto Rico is a really long, long away from the Rocky Mountains. Thanks Fleiss. Geography teachers everywhere can join in and hate you too. <b>Stool Pidgeon Emily</b> does the honors this week by telling us that Puerto Rico is an "amazing place to fall in love." But don't let that confuse you. It's not "the perfect place to fall in love," like Utah was, unless <b>Kacie</b> was lying last week. Anyway, the women arrive onshore in a dinghy and crash this week's product placement gimme' where <b>Chris "Wingman" Harrison</b> hauls them out of doors to pimp the resort that's footing the bill this week. The Wingman runs down the date line up for the week--2, 1-on-1's and 1 Group Date. This week everyone gets to escape from the gilded cage and will participate. Harrison smirks, drops the first date card and departs for the local liquor lounge, fully half of his "work" done for the week. <b>Nurse Jamie</b> finds her missing vocal chords and reads off:<br />
<br />
<i>"Nicki,</i><br />
<i>I'm wondering what a Puerto Rican tablecloth will look like on your slightly plump thighs--let's find out, Ben!"</i><br />
<br />
This starts the drumbeat of shitty comments coming from <b>Queen Courtney;</b> this will continue all episode. She starts the assault on <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b> while wearing a shirt that says <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Be Nice!"</span> I think Fleiss blotted out the rest of the shirt that read, <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"…or I'll rip your fucking head off!"</span> Regardless, Nicki, wearing some fingernail polish made by <i>Crayola</i>, and a dress that looks like Walt Disney threw up on it, heads out to meet our horny hero.<br />
<br />
They head out and start with a helicopter trip around the island and land in Old San Juan. They decide to have a wander around date, but Mother Nature intrudes and the rain pours down. They squat in a doorway and then decide since they're wet to try and dress like two Puerto Rican stereotypes, but succeed only in looking like two dorks. Ben dresses in all white looking like a Gringo Good Humor Ice Cream Man, and Nicki pulls on some hideous-looking number that hurts my eyes. They stalk someone else's wedding and agree you should shack up before marrying. As darkness falls, Ben sits her down and quizzes her about her marriage. Nicki gives him a bunch of canned answers that basically amounted to her having totally unrealistically expectations of marriage. Love these young pups who think that marriage is supposed to be a fifty year orgy complete with violin music and champagne in bed every morning, instead of a healthy, happy partnership and years of joyful contentment. Well, she's perfect for this show anyway. Ben shows interest but also a ton of doubts. Ben seems to agree that marriage should involve perpetual cupid shots in the ass, and hands her the rose.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, back at the gimme', <b>Elyse, the Fitness Nazi</b> and <b>Boom-Boom Blakely</b> try and have an argument about who is more desperate to go on a date with Ben when there's a knock at the door. <span style="color: red;"><b>Jennifer the Red</b></span> rises to announce the Group Date gang: <b>Lindzi the Mispelled</b>; <b>Queen Courtney</b>; <b>Herself</b>; <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie</b>; <b>Stool Pidgeon Emily</b>; <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b>; <b>Casey S</b>.;<b> Nurse Jamie</b>; and <b>Boom-Boom Blakely</b>. Elyse lets out an <i>Exorcist</i>-worthy screech since she gets the 1on1. 5 shows in, one group date, and she's excited she's getting called out? Gawd, don't these women actually watch this mess before they sign up? As she sat there grinning, I could already see the scimitar swinging at her neck.<br />
<br />
Turns out Ben's little missive about "diamonds being a girl's best friend", meant baseball diamond. The group gang heads to a minor league baseball stadium in San Juan to play some ball. Ben wanders around Roberto Clemente Stadium fingering a baseball beside a cool statue of the legend himself as the women drive up in a school bus. Boom-Boom Blakely declares this her perfect date. "I'm super athletic." I started laughing until she swung the bat and WHOA! She swings that ripstick like a dude! Take it from your Captain, who played 12 years of organized ball, that was no girlie swing! The girl's got bat speed; and this is just the start of me being impressed. As they work out and the rest of them, well, play like girls, Harrison emerges from the local cocktail lounge and calls them all up. Turns out they're going to split up into two teams and only the winners get to hang with Ben after nightfall. Harrison lets Ben pick one gal to play for both teams and he picks the spastic lefty, Lindzi the Misspelled. Harrison then picks Queen Courtney and Boom-Boom as Captains and they pick teams: <i>Boom-Boom's Blues</i> and <i>Courtney's Red Harlots</i>. The women dress and put that fake crap under their eyes to look like ball players while Ben takes the mound and shows off a girlie arm of his own. The Red Team immediately shells him for 5 runs in the 1st inning. I was expecting <b>Roberto Martinez</b> to come walking out of the dugout and try and put out the fire, but Ben hangs in as the Blue Team lights him up as well. The Blues finally get smart and place Boom-Boom out behind second base where she spends the rest of the night running left and right catching everything near her. Courtney quickly opines: "Blakely is like a champion out there; who knew hookers could play baseball?" You're calling someone else a hooker, skank bait? While Casey S. shows off the massive girlie arm, Blakely drives in three runs to tie it. In extra innings, Red gets up 10-9, and Jennifer the Red steps up to whiff in the clutch. The bummed Blues wander off back to the bus while a helicopter lands, but a giddy Ben gets to eye all the Red Harlot meat and knows he gets extra time with Queen Courtney. Blakely leads the girls back to the bus where they all bawl a lot about losing as they are shipped back to the resort cage to cool their heels. Sad, but Blakely made me a fan anyway. She might be a Hooter's Girl, but the woman can play. I'll respect that. That should have been an auto-rose regardless.<br />
<br />
Ben takes the five winning Reds down to the beach as darkness descends for a party on the beach. Constant interview inserts let Courtney act like a spoiled brat before she gets her chance to show Blakely just what a callgirl should act like. Anyway, Ben does the rounds with the whole bunch before he takes Sweetie Pie Kacie aside and Ben gets to whine that all the hookers he usually dates don't love him back. But whatever nothing they spoke about prompts him to grab Kacie B. and give her the rose. That gets Queen Courtney in motion so she swipes Ben away and leads him down the beach where she drops into her baby voice and propositions him to go skinny dipping with her. Ben, who's half-drunk and all horny, perks up at that suggestion. Date over. For now.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Ben's Cannon Fodder</span></b><br />
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Before getting laid, Ben decides to perform a little foreplay by taking <b>Elyse, the Fitness Nazi</b> out for a day on the water to charm her and kiss her, before announcing that there is no future and dumping her. Not exactly a surprise. She's barely been allowed out of the cage to this point. Shame. I know some folks online who think Elyse has chin stubble and bigger set of balls than Ben, but I disagree. First of all, her ovaries are bigger than Ben's balls, I admit that, and I've never had conventional taste in women, but I thought she was damned attractive; dark and exotic. But when she took off that dress, yeowza! What a bod! She demonstrated that the label "fitness trainer" was no lie. Toned and somewhat muscular (but not mannish) I thought Elyse, with the exception of some below average teeth, was quite a dish. True, we never knew anything about her outside of that horrible "Who <u><b>IS</b></u> she!" screech she launched a few weeks back, but man she would have had to have been one major grating bitch for me to cut her. Just Exhibit A proving that Ben and I are very different men. That night, after wasting a day trying to lure her into a false sense of security on a yacht, Ben takes her to a dinner on the beach. He's dressed in some half-tux get-up paired with cut off jeans like he's Barbaro Meets Huck Finn. Elyse shows up looking radiant in a white, off-the-shoulder dress. Ben fiddles around acting bored to tears and keeps looking for anything she said he can use as an excuse to dump her. "Earlier, you said you'd already done everything you wanted to do?" C'mon Ben, just put her out of her misery. He waits until she utters the word "honest" and jumps at his cue, "I can't give you this rose," he twirls the flower around and puts it back down as she starts to cry. "What did I do wrong?" She cries as he walks her away to a dinghy to get the ride of shame out on the Caribbean. "He didn't give me a chance," she cries correctly. Nope, and never intended to either, Elyse. Some dude crashes the cage and snaps Elyse's bag away as Courtney laughs, "Wonder of she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out? Another one bites the dust!" Puke.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Cream Dream Realized</span></b><br />
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While Courtney crows about Elyse's departure, she gathers up some wine and two glasses and heads out to her producer-prompted rendezvous. Ben, being followed back to "his" place by the cameras for the firs time in Bachelor history, is being filmed trying to get his room key out when Courtney whistles at him from the steps behind him where she's lurking. Ben immediately invites her in with him. They lounge around getting buzzed before she urges him to take down to the water for a skinny dip. Ben, like a callous fool, hops at her suggestion and off they go. Down by the waters edge, they make out, strip down naked, and head out into the waves. Once there, well, he bangs her. I've actually heard that people are arguing whether or not they had sex. Seriously? C'mon folks, we're all adults here. (at least I hope we are). Two blitzed people who are attracted to each other strip down and skinny dip in shoulder-high water in a full embrace? Their genitals were in full contact karate mode? It's almost impossible NOT to have sex in that circumstance. It would take two people trying VERY hard and fighting every drive in their natures not to. With these two? Seriously? It would be like telling a woman in labor not to push. Not happening. One things for certain, this was the most disrespectful thing I've seen a Bachelor do in the eight seasons I've been watching this. When I first saw the preview, I thought it happened later--on the Fantasy Dates--and I cut Stormhorse some slack. But this was when there was still nine women waiting back inside the gilded cage. What woman would want him after this? I hope he picked Courtney. The rest are too good for him. And Courtney? Don't ever call anyone a hooker again unless you're looking in the mirror. You just sold your ass for facetime on an ABC show. It must be pretty cheap ass. Ben, go find some balls.<br />
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The next night at the cocktail party the producers get Courtney to get people talking about skinny dipping so we can watch her smirk some more and chew her lips off. Drunk as always, Courtney actually refrained from telling the other girls about her conquest. I was shocked. I thought she'd come running into the room swinging the used condom over her head like a lasso. Who am I kidding? What condom? Ben at least has enough of a conscience to admit, "Courtney and I shared a pretty intimate moment and I'm feeling crappy about it." Not as crappy as all the women you disrespected with your Stormhorse bit, asshole. I can just imagine Kacie Boguskie having to sit there next to her parents watching this as they throw up. A new low.<br />
<br />
The party continues but I'm spent and almost too disgusted to listen. Stool Pigeon Emily gets Ben alone and can't keep her mouth shut about Courtney…again. Ben tells her to "drop it, and "you need to tread lightly." If Emily had any balls she would have bitched him out for that arrogant threat and left right there, but she doesn't. Harrison finally comes wandering in and calls it off. But Ben has one more nasty surprise to pull just to make sure people think he's rat puke.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Roses:</span></b><br />
<br />
Already safe: <b>Nicky the Narrator</b> and <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie</b><br />
<br />
1) <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>: a very quite night.<br />
2) <b>Nurse Jamie</b>: Ha! Ha! Look girl, I like you, but if you don't start talking here…<br />
3) <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b>: Very closely resembling a Dress Filler for someone still alive so deep in this.<br />
4) <b>Queen Courtney</b>: <i>"Courtney, I'm so glad they screen everyone who comes on this show for V.D. and will you accept this condom?"</i><br />
5) <b>Casey S.</b>: Who?<br />
6) <b>Blakely</b>: Stop fake-crying and go get your flower, slugger!<br />
7) <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b>: No producer shenanigans with this one. Oh how I would have loved <i>"Emily, will you accept this rose?</i><br />
<i>"Actually, no thanks, you stuck up, arrogant prick! See ya!" </i>but it was not to be.<br />
<br />
Cut: <b><span style="color: red;">Jennifer the Red</span></b>. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Jesus, Ben; could you get any lower in my eyes right now? She might have been the sweetest gal on the show? Dude, you have no honor, no class, and no taste in women! You're the total package, all right.<br />
<br />
Next week: Something happens with Casey S. Who?<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-3852574458852925482012-01-25T18:37:00.000-08:002012-01-25T18:37:29.450-08:001/24-Prince Benjamin the Gullible.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Welcome, my friends. This week Ben and the Mean Girl gang are off to Park City, Utah to frolic among the meadows and for Ben to get fleeced like a sheep by contestant, <b>Courtney Robertson</b>. More on that shortly. But more importantly, this is the week where Producer/dirtbag, <b>Mike Fleiss</b>, starts to plug the contestants into the nicely drilled holes of his Bachelor Template. We will see the contestant who gets jealous having to share the Bachelor with a bunch of other women and can't deal with "the process." We see the annual specter of one stupid contestant who commits broadcast suicide by trying to tattle on another contestant. But fortunately, we do get see a side of Utah I never knew existed: namely, a beautiful outdoorsy wilderness that looked like the Garden of Eden. It was just a shame they had to spoil it by making me watch the rest of the show. Anyway, let's rock it!<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Park City</span></b><br />
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The show opens with Ben, navel gazing among the streams and meadows of Utah, insisting that he's dragging his harem here so he can see how they handle the outdoors and not because some producer-maggot told him to. We see Ben standing around in his California version of flannels and jeans, looking all ruggedly manly riding a horse quite inexpertly, and trying desperately to smack up some macho despite the <i>Prince Valiant</i> haircut. He's dressed in what is supposed to be some version of rugged, <i>"manly chic"</i>--which a REAL manly dude would call <i>"Pussy Poseur"</i>. While Ben swears his sincerity to the process, the women land at te airport and head on in to this week's product placement gimme', <i>The Canyons Resort.</i> The women crash the gimme' and quick as a flash, <b>Chris "Wingman" Harrison</b> appears out of thin air to pimp The Canyons in return for the Presidential Suite he's undoubtedly crashing in the rest of the week, and to cue the babes up for the date lineup this week. There will be three dates--1 group date and 2, 1-on-1's. Racing for the door to go and hide all the smuggled stash <i>The Canyons</i> let him carry into prohibitionist Utah, Harrison tosses down a date card and imparts some fatherly advice: <i>"Not everyone will get a date this week, so my advice to you is whatever time you get with Ben, make it count. Don't just sit around and talk about the weather…act mean or try and stool pigeon one of your competitors and stir up some shit, why don't ya?"</i><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Utah Deep Freeze</span></b><br />
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As Harrison departs, <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b> rises and reads the date card while <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie B</b>. starts her episode long mopefest about how much she wants every second with Ben. Lindzi calls out <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b> to go freeze up and barely escape getting eliminated. Whining, crying, and looking clingy, Kacie bawls as Rachel goes to sneak one more smoke and brush her teeth before Ben arrives. And how does <i>Prince Valiant</i> arrive? I'll give you a hint; it wasn't in an airboat. Ben helicopters in to helicopter the chain smokin' one away to a lake in the middle of Eden. Rachel, wearing a white tanktop with a trendy sweater shows off a great set of juggs as they settle in down by the waters egde and…(chirp chirp chirp…) crickets descend. The conversation is more forced than a tooth extraction. Voice overs let us know that Rachel is absolutely no good at opening up with California weirdos she barely knows. Boy I hope she isn't planning on trying to break into the entertainment field. Anyway, here's the bottom line: other than awesome scenery and the usual Stormhorse exhibition of crappy kissing, this date sucked. Ben and Rachel looked as compatible as me and my mother-in-law with Rachel, acting about as interesting as a can of paint. Most of the date was spent trying to tease us that she was about to get dumped. Meh. Who cares? He kept her cause she's pretty and has big juggs. Date over.<br />
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Back at the gimme', the group date card arrives and <b>Dr. Emily</b>, who's in for a rough night, reads out of the names of: <b>Nurse Jamie;</b> <b>Casey S</b>.; and to add some speaking and a little skank to the date, <b>Boom-Boom Blakely</b>; <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>; <b>Samantha the Pageant Queen</b>; <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>; <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie B.</b>; and <b>Courtney the Sharktress</b>. Ben wants to know if they want to wallow around in a stream wearing giant rubber garbage bags around their legs and let Harrison hire some local Indian to attach a rubber trout to Courtney's hook. The women all affirm that very desire. While Courtney acts as self-centered and awful as usual, Dr. Emily gleefully predicts that once Prince Valiant sees the Sharktress treat everyone as horribly as they all treated <b>Shawntel Newton</b> last week, that's she's history. Why do women never study the tapes of this show before they sign that slavery contract and agree to come on? <b>Stool Pigeon Emily</b> and the other girls head out.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Courtney's Rubber Trout</span></b><br />
<br />
Ben comes riding up on a horse spraying <i>"Man on Horse"</i> pheromones all over the place and greets the women. I swear, <b>Don Knotts</b> could come riding up on a horse and women would tackle him to the ground. What is with women's reactions to men on horseback? He's the same metrosexual dork he was when he sloppy kissed you with his lip gloss on last week, ladies; calm your asses down! <b>Boom-Boom Blakely </b>nearly faints and tells us he looked like a "Knight in Shining Armor". All except for the armor, the knight, and shining parts, she's right. At least he's got the page boy hairdo down. Oh man, I hate that cliche. If a Knight in Shining Armor actually did come riding up to you out of the mists of the 12th century, you'd run the other way at top speed. What those fairy tales fail to mention is that a Medieval knight's most fearsome dragon-killing weapon was his breath. He'd have rotten teeth from the non-existent medieval dental care and smell like a bucket of unbathed, shining ass. You'd rather kiss his horse. Trust me. So much for your romantic fantasy now, eh? You're welcome! And don't even get me started on those Wild West cowpokes…<br />
<br />
Anyway, Ben rides up and greets the women. Once they stop squealing and heavy breathing, he mounts them up on their own horseys and rides them off to a stream. Soon dressed in hip waders and equipped with some cheap-looking flyfishing equipment, Ben wanders around trying to teach them how to flyfish since I'm sure he's a practiced expert. The women unspool a ton of line and plop the flies down in the 24 inch-deep water and stand there. Ben offers helpful hints like "let if float; just let it float." and "use your wrist." <b>Kacie B</b>. whines that she needs to get closer to him so she flails away pathetically with her flycaster and he comes over to coach her up and…help her not at all. Ben then runs off to <b>Courtney the Sharktress</b>, who is also standing in the water doing nothing. They head further downstream where she stands there like a statue and the Indian Guide Harrison hired slithers out of the cattails and hooks a rubber trout to Courtney's line. The haul it in and Ben decides to kiss the slimy thing, proving he'll kiss anything, and then makes Courtney kiss it too; proving she'll do anything to be on TV.This was just a big excuse to showcase Kacie's clingyness, and mostly Courtney's awfulness. Ben tells her she has "natural ability." I'm sure she does Ben, but it's not flyfishing, dumbass. What pathetic groveling.<br />
<br />
When night falls, Ben hauls them back to the 'gimme and for the first time we get to hear <b>Casey S.</b> speak so the viewers will know who she is when she stirs the shit between Courtney and <b>Stool Pidgeon Emily</b>. Ben informs her he's been in love "4 times". Casey scowls, "Do you fall in love easily?" Ha, ha; no wonder they won't let her talk. Quit asking pushy questions of Prince Valiant, Casey. That's the signal for <b>Nicki the Narrator</b> to get a move on so we can see her weekly effort to get a few seconds with Ben. They better show us something if she makes it much further, because for all her narrating, we've scarcely the two of them in the same area code. Nicki digs deep to establish a connection and since she doesn't have a dead relative to parley, she settles for a dead boss. Ben nods empathetically and manages to conjure a tale of a freshly dead friend to trump her. In lieu of anything else to do, they make out, and the producers send <b>Samantha the Pageant Queen</b> in to interrupt them and get herself dumped. Now, spoilers insist that Samantha had fallen in love with yet another one of Fleiss' producer-maggots and wanted to leave the week previously. If that's true, this was all staged; from Ben's hardassed reaction to her whining, to Samantha's hard-teared bawling. He bids her be off, and she cries so hard she nearly unhinges one of her enormous fake eyelashes in the process. Meh. She paraded around flashing her overbite everywhere and he walked her out so she could escape. This gives Courtney a chance to brag that she and Ben are basically making decisions together. Arrogant? Yeah, but when I have something to refute her, I'll let you know.<br />
<br />
The left overs await back up in the gimme room as there is a knock on the door. <b>Elyse, the fitness Nazi</b> gets to speak so she can prophesy getting left in the suite again. Frankly, I was shocked. Not that she got stranded again, but that she spoke and sounded normal. The only thing I remember her saying the last four weeks was that <i>"Who IS She!"</i> screech. <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b> reads off the name of <span style="color: red;">Jennifer the Red</span>; Ben orders her to "pick our love song dot dot dot" Damn, did we have to go with the dot, dot, dot thing again? I just had a <b>Bentley</b> flashback and now I have to take a crap.<br />
<br />
Back at the party, Ben takes <b>Sweetie pie Kacie</b> away for some private 1-on-1 time. In between crying and sitting on the couch together, Ben confesses he wanted to make out with her in the river and that sparks plenty of closed-mouth smooches and Kacie says she's ok now. That will last about a second. As Ben wonders if he and Kacie might end up together, <b>Courtney the Sharktress</b> lets us know it's time for action. In Private Interviews, she acts all competitve and ready to steal Ben no matter what. Once Ben picks her up for private time she loses the steel magnolia act and switches to her baby voice. Telling Ben she can't deal with the jealousy she confesses that Lindzi crowding in on their fishing time "spoiled what I was feeling for you." Ben looks like he actually did lose a friend now--his best one at that. Blind terror flashes across his face as Courtney whines that she has "lost sight of them a little bit." Ben looks ready to have a heart attack. He tries to head her off, but she just shrugs and plays him like a trumpet. He runs for the rose, as the producers play clips of Courtney--from who knows when-- smirking, laughing and "winning!" Well, we can retire Courtney the Sharktress. From now on she's <b>Queen Courtney</b>, until Ben gives me some reason to think he's not wrapped around her finger. The mystery is: <i>why are the producers trying to get me to think that Courtney can't stand Ben and since when do they want the audience to think their Bachelor is a gullible fool who picks manipulative women with his dick?</i> Prince Benjamin then gets up and races back and lays the rose at The queen's feet. Suck on that, <b>Kacie B</b>. <i>Winning!</i> Indeed. <b>Charlie Sheen</b> should slap her. I better shut up; she'll probably be dating him next week. Date over.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Code <span style="color: red;">Red</span></span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">Jennifer the Red</span> finally gets let out of her cage as Ben comes to pick her up and Courtney lays the "friend card" down at her before she can even clear the door. Ben wants to see her adventurous side so he hauls her to a crater in the ground and gets her to dangle with him and fall into a pool inside the crater. Naturally, Jennifer is afraid of heights. There's something new. Anyway, they go rappelling and fall the last ten feet into some pretty water. Jennifer handles herself pretty well, so Ben kisses her. As night falls and rain does too, Ben takes her to a fire pit so they can get soaked. Jennifer speaks of a four and a half year relationship and how she walked away when he wouldn't marry her. Ben casts doubts since he's a slacking wine entrepreneur when she verifies she's an accountant and works 9 to 5. He tries to talk her out of wanting to date him. They run for it as the skies open up and then head over to a country music concert with Clay Walker while back at the house Courtney brags that she only hangs with guys. The hater club meets to dye <b>Stoolie Emily's</b> hair and <b>Bi Monica</b> (yes, she's still there) warns Emily to shut her cake hole about Courtney to Ben, while <b>Boom-Boom </b>does Emily's hair so she'll look good when she gets diarrhea of the mouth and then wimps out. Back at the concert, Ben pretty much tells Jennifer he was going to dump her when they headed out, but now, since he has several women left he likes less than her, she can stay. As long as she dances with him in front of Clay Walker so he can keep up the outdoorsy country guy vibe. Date over.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">And You Thought Ben Had No Balls…</span></b><br />
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Time for some cocktail party cattiness from yesteryear…or at least, it might as well have been. It's time for someone to warn <i>Prince Gullible</i> that the woman he is wooing as his future queen is a total bitch. Haven't seen this in…a season. Anyway, Ben makes the rounds while Emily winds herself up tighter and tighter until she gets Ben alone and pops. Ben tries to get her to shut up, but she can't contain herself, and tries to rat Courtney out. Ben basically tells her to shut up or he's gonna' jettison her. Emily wanders away and gets even dumber; she blows her mouth off in front of Courtney's only apparent friend in the house, <b>Casey S</b>. (now we see why she was allowed to speak.) Casey argues with her and then runs straight to Courtney, who for once is justified in her threats, cursing, and confrontational rudeness. Emily, confronted by Courtney tries to lie her way out of it. Boy, for someone closing in on a P.H.D. from a prestigious university, this chick is as dumb as a brick. Now that's she's immolated herself, Courtney gives her another "winning! I got a rose and you don't!" as she flounces away and Emily bawls that she can't stand confrontation. Then why did you start one, dummy? Finally, <b>Nicki</b> stops narrating and gets some time alone with Ben and they stand in the snow on the balcony and catch flakes all over themselves. As Emily finishes her wimpy meltdown, Harrison enters right on cue tinging his champagne glass with his cheese knife.<br />
<br />
<b>Roses:</b><br />
Ben wanders in and give them some canned BS and gets to it.<br />
Already safe: <span style="color: red;">Jennifer the Red</span>, <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b>, and <b>Queen Courtney</b>.<br />
1) <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>: Little to do this week.<br />
2) <b>Nurse Jamie</b>: Good god; I like you and even I don't know who you are.<br />
3) <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>: finally got a few seconds with Ben that we were allowed to see. What that means? Hell if I know.<br />
4) <b>Kacie B</b>.--the "B" stands for deep in the Bachelor BUBBLE.<br />
5) <b>Elyse, the Fitness Nazi</b>: Sorry sweetie; I'd change your nickname if I knew anything else about you besides you made Ben do pushups. Good luck living down that horrible screech.<br />
6) <b>Boom-Boom Blakely</b>: now doing the other women's hair before cocktail parties? Michelle Money edit anyone?<br />
7) <b>Casey S</b>.--rewarded for ratting out Emily to the queen.<br />
Harrison wanders in smirking,<i>"Ben; ladies; this is the last rose of the evening. I'm going to rip the seal off a 25 year-old bottle of single malt and go at it till dawn. When you're ready…"</i><br />
8) <b>Dr. Emily</b>--boo. Rewarded for being a wimp, but she's like a gutshot deer now: she may run a ways, but she'll fall soon enough.<br />
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<b>Dumped</b>: <b>Bi Monica</b>. Bawls like crazy on the way out and looks more like the Joker than ever when she cries. Hopefully, she got Blakely's number.<br />
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Next week: Ben gets nekkid with the queen. See ya then!<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702812991288505927.post-86921630576581383112012-01-17T15:46:00.000-08:002012-01-17T15:46:19.415-08:001-16--Ben Loses His Balls<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Well, so much for Ben's balls. After this trainwreck of a night, we couldn't find this guys nads with a search party of Rangers and bloodhounds. Shame, especially for people like me who wanted 'ol Stormhorse for the role. Better luck next time, I guess. Future Bachelorette Emily Maynard is likely to have a bigger set than Mr. Flajnik, but I get ahead of myself. I've got to recap three decent dates, before I chronicle the emasculating trainwreck at the end, so let's get to it.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Sister Julia: Keeper of the Flajnik Gonads</span></b><br />
<br />
Our evening begins with Ben wandering the hills and streets of San Francisco like he's looking for Michael Douglas and Karl Malden, but instead he meets up with his sis <b>Julia</b> (Who looks so much like <b>Shawntel Newton</b> it's scary. More on her later) and tells some lies about the women he's hauled to town with him. He and sister Julia have a sit-down as trolleys pass by and Ben shows total ignorance of his harem or just decides to BS his sister to death. He lauds the women he has in tow as being "…Independent, educated, self-sufficient…" he left out "catty, bitchy, self-involved" and "mean as rattlesnakes" but once again, I get ahead of myself. Julia, we learn, has managed to find a boyfriend without the help of <b>Chris Harrison</b>, and is clearly nobodies push over. Hey, maybe she got all the balls in the family by accident? Regardless, after assuring Julia just how much she is going to love his mean-assed sorority girls, we see said girls heading into San Francisco by limo so they can be penned up at the local Fairmont Resort.<br />
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As soon as the women inhabit the Fairmont, in strides <b>Chris "Wingman" Harrison</b> in his casual day attire to spell out the date list for the week, (one group date and 2-1 on 1's) before he slithers back across state to Burbank to finish auguring his soon-to-be-cancelled game show into the ground. With <i>You Deserve It!</i> cratering and the international travel about to begin, Harrison has kindly consented to show up and do his "job". Mighty big of him. He quickly reminds the long clawed felines that they had damn well better act like psychotics or they will find themselves trapped in their gilded cage and getting a bus ticket back to wherever they came from, pronto-like. Harrison plays guru, <i>"..not everyone will get a date, so my advice to you is whenever you get time with Ben, rip the others girls' hair out and make a total ass of yourself.."</i>. The message clearly delivered, Harrison drops the first date card and we're off.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">P.H.D. on a Highwire</span></b><br />
<br />
<b>Elyse, the physical fitness Nazi</b>, gets up and reads out the name of <b>Dr. Emily</b>; and lets her know that since she told the show's "psychologist" that she has a paralyzing fear of heights, Ben and the producers have arranged some highwire stunt to have her pissing her pants. Ben greets her with a tepid hug in a San Francisco park and lets her know they are going to be climbing the Bay Bridge. Emily starts her pants pissing and off they go. Secured to the bridge with multiple safety loops, hard hats, a camera crew, and about 12 safety inspectors, they begin their ascent of the bridge. About halfway up a steep climb, Emily starts to freak out and the cameramen try and induce audience vertigo by swinging their mini-cams around like it's the fucking <i>Blair Witch Project</i>, and Emily freezes. Seeing the time for heroic action has come, Ben springs into <i>Stormhorse</i> mode and tries to solve her problem the way he tries to solve every problem: he kisses her. Buoyed by his hormones or the fumes from his cologne or whatever, Emily stabilizes and finishes the bridge climb so they can "overcome their fears" just like half the couples on every season do. I'm shocked Fleiss didn't make them bungee jump off the damn thing. Regardless, they take in the beautiful views and we're left to guess how in the hell they got down. As darkness falls, they go to dinner alongside the Bay Bridge. They sit and don't touch their food, and have a talk. Emily lets him know that Match.com thinks she should date her brother (maybe Ben needs to date his sister?) Anyway, Emily shows off her high I.Q. and he basically tells her she's too damn smart for him and he's actually looking for a causal hook up, or something similar.<br />
<br />
Back at Resort, <b>Casey. S</b> and <b>Nurse Jamie</b>--both former mutes--get to speak as Jamie reads off the group date card. She calls out: <b>Boom-Boom-Blakely</b>; <b>Pig Snout Jacklyn</b>; <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie B</b>.; <b>Erika the Dress Filler</b>; <b>Samantha the Pageant Queen</b>; <b>Herself</b>; <b>Bi Monica</b>; <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b>; <b>Nicki the Narrator</b>; <b>Elyse the Fitness Nazi</b>; and <b>Former Mute, Casey S.</b> to cross something off our "Leap list"? Apparently Chain Smokin' Rachel knows what a leap list is and she explains so the rest of us will have some clue. It's apparently like a "Bucket List" but not as good. Whatever. Back at the Bridge, Emily gets the rose and Ben makes out with her as fireworks explode and the other girls correctly assume she got the flower.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Snow Blowin' in Haight Ashbury, in Bikinis Too.</span></b><br />
<br />
Ben drives a caravan of babes to a side street they've closed off and filled with fake snow. The girls boot up, dress down, and go snow skiing down the street. Several nearly kill themselves. <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie B. </b>falls a bunch and asks "How do you stop?" A second later she crashes into a wall, making her query rhetorical. Then for her <i>Grand Finale</i>, she spins around backwards, grabs ground like she's at the proctologist and slams into a wall assfirst, but manages to finish with a scarf-toss flourish that earns her extra points. Other girls sloop around and fall and basically look hot enough to melt the snow while thousands of onlookers snap pictures and upload them to their Twitter accounts so we can all enjoy early spoilage during filming.<br />
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Back at the Resort, <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b> and the other leftovers whine about getting a date. All but <b>Granny Panty Brittney</b>, that is. When the date card arrives, <b>Dr. Emily</b> reads off Brittney's name and hands her a garish key-to-the-city necklace to go with it. Brittney stares at the necklace and looks like she drunk something foul. She then makes it plain she would rather skip the date…hell with that, she'd rather skip <i>Stormhorse</i> all together. Betting money is that she was only called out for 1 on 1 dumpage, but she makes it pretty clear that she'd rather dump herself than let Ben do it.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6jL5SoPq5jkHnGc4PnBPCFHif6IpWojMD0D7esQ_8-rxeJ1A2xJwWOO8nS1RFWpBi-I-rHfgNjy-iDLrGRzcIlp8iSsrTAMZ3exzAXav95VV-emaCfHqnK0ymOYa8tUvN3AYyQnaHIkWc/s1600/Get+the+Knack+for+Ben.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6jL5SoPq5jkHnGc4PnBPCFHif6IpWojMD0D7esQ_8-rxeJ1A2xJwWOO8nS1RFWpBi-I-rHfgNjy-iDLrGRzcIlp8iSsrTAMZ3exzAXav95VV-emaCfHqnK0ymOYa8tUvN3AYyQnaHIkWc/s320/Get+the+Knack+for+Ben.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
We rejoin the ski date and find that darkness has fallen as Ben's taken the girls to someplace name <i>Tonga</i>, that he assures us is an "iconic landmark". It has indoor rain pools and does indeed look cool. Ben then predicts, "No drama", and we all laugh collectively, and I can again hear the strains of <i>My Sharona!</i> as Ben is again wearing a black vest. Boy am I sick of hearing what a fashion plate this guy is. Listen folks; just check the cover of <i>Get The Knack!</i>, circa 1977, and you'll see he's merely stolen Doug Fieger's wardrobe and haircut. Fashion plate, my ass. It's like some long-haired, fat guy growing a beard and wearing a tie dye like Jerry Garcia being told he's a trendsetter. Anyway, Ben moves quick and steals a few moments (and kisses) with <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b>. Speaking of 1977, just how much does this chick look like Olivia Newton-John? Spooky. He then takes <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie B</b>. for a walk so he can make out with her too. <b>Boom-Boom Blakely</b> is up next, and after her unpopularity explosion last week, she is a mere afterthought. <b>Elyse, the Fitness Nazi</b> is up next to play her role as the one who can't say three words to Ben without someone breaking in. This particular someone is <b>Granny Panty Brittney</b>, who arrives to break up Ben's no-drama party by injecting some drama; namely, that she's hitting the bricks and will catch the rest of this pukefest at home with her <b>Granny Sheryl</b>. Fuming that she dumped him before he could dump her, Ben walks her out and then sulks that she cocked blocked him from treating her like cannon fodder. He heads back to the party and acts like getting dumped doesn't bother him, then hands the rose to Rachel. Then we see a call coming in for Harrison from a "Mystery Woman" who is only a mystery if you don't watch the promos for this show or read anything on the internet, where the woman warns Harrison she is on her way to San Fran.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Brittney's Non-Cannon Fodder Replacement</span></b><br />
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Ben then whines a little more that Brittney got away before he could dump her while using an electric razor to maintain his two days worth of chin growth. Turns out he's preparing for his replacement date with <b>Lindzi the Misspelled</b>. <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b> reads Lindzi's name and she departs to dress. We instantly cut to them walking through the city and riding trolley cars and the date is already underway--they need to spare extra time for that trainwreck cocktail party. Ben sets them up with some ice cream before he takes her into Chinatown and they tour the city. The trolley then stops at a locked and darkened San Francisco City Hall, where Ben whips out the key and Lindzi shows us how dense tomboys can be by gushing, "…but Ben pulls out the key and unlocks the door. I don't know who this guy is, but he's amazing!" Yeah, Ben is in tight with the mayor, Lindzi. Anyway, they wander in and out pops some dude named <b>Matt Nathansen</b>, lip syncing his white ass off. Ben dances with her (badly!) and kisses her (even worsely. Yeah, its word cause I say so.) as Nathanson lip mimes some easy whiteboy funk. Ha! He's no <i>Stormhorse</i>, I'll say that. Next Ben takes to her to one of the better places I've ever seen a Bachelor date. It's a San Francisco replica of a prohibition-era speakeasy called <i>Bourbon and Branch</i>, but the gal at the door appears in on the joke:<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Door Gal: "Password, please?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Ben: "Stormhorse, of course."</i></span><br />
Yeah, she was in on joke. Anyway, Ben leads the misspelled one inside and through a trick bookcase to a semi-private lounge that does indeed ooze history. Cool. I wouldn't mind going to this place myself. Awesome spot. They sit for dinner and she gets to drop her story of being dumped via text. She relates the purported language of the text: "Babe, welcome to Dumpsville…population, YOU." Real or just made up by the producers, Ben tries not to laugh in her face and makes a note of that one for future use. He preaches that getting dumped makes him a better person and Lindzi heartily agrees with a croak of her frog voice and then he slips her the rose. They cap the date off by crashing another music store with him trying to teach her some piano (and failing). He then plays a few chords as a segue to this years theme song, <i>"This Years Love"</i>. They dance. Date over. And we again see the "Mystery Woman" calling Harrison announcing her impending arrival. Harrison giddily announces he will meet her downstairs.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Cocktail Party Trainwreck</span></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5b4Ya5OOGM0077Ntesdw2s6VfI8oUFtX1ysz-Lvq3Mfv0rx6ODI00XczituWiIX4K1Yxqo5VBRqPlTFpY5t824r6ShQx9qwENMhtqi3Qu3eH7vy0dkyajmT18rtRpD3LBDZJ60bthCyZ1/s1600/Stormhorse+and+the+Boys+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5b4Ya5OOGM0077Ntesdw2s6VfI8oUFtX1ysz-Lvq3Mfv0rx6ODI00XczituWiIX4K1Yxqo5VBRqPlTFpY5t824r6ShQx9qwENMhtqi3Qu3eH7vy0dkyajmT18rtRpD3LBDZJ60bthCyZ1/s320/Stormhorse+and+the+Boys+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
The woman flow into the Fairmont Ballroom and <b>Courtney the Sharktress</b>, of all people, leads a toast to a "drama-free night." Turns out she was right: the drama was free of charge. Ben wanders around with a jacket and tie added to his <i>Knack-vest </i>and corners <b>Jennifer the Red</b>. Jennifer, with her red hair flowing is wearing a pink top and orange skirt? She looked like a walking traffic cone. But she exudes her kind charm and soon Stormhorse is complimenting her as the best kisser and dives in for more. Poor Jennifer then succumbs to the Bachelor Bubble in week 3 and announces she is falling in love. It was nice knowing you, Jennifer.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">DUN-DUN-DUN</span></b><br />
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Finally, <b>Shawntel "Munster" Newton</b>, from Brad's season--the worst kept secret this season--gets out of her car and greets the Wingman. Harrison warns her to hustle in and "get his attention." Cue taken, Shawntel heads inside while Private Interviews of Courtney the Sharktress show her raging <b>Narrator Nikki</b> as "an idiot" and <b>Boom-Boom Blakely</b> as the kind of girl "Your boyfriend cheats on you with." Her wonderful edit continues and she is just getting started. After a weird moment between Lindzi and Courtney, Ben takes the model to a hidden location and all but declares he's smitten. She assures him she can handle everything because she's "got big shoulders." Well, there's no denying that anyway. Meanwhile, Shawntel fixes her make-up and heads into the party as (who else?) <b>Elyse the Fitness Nazi,</b> is speaking to Ben on the patio. Shawntel cruises past the other women; some know her, some don't; and heads straight for Ben. She interrupts them and Ben stares at her incredulous. "Holy shit!" He finally hugs her and shoos Elyse away, who glares daggers at Shawntel as every other woman in the ballroom crowd around the doorway to watch them talk. Shawntel tells him she's come because they have talked and she sensed a connection between them. She asks for no decision now but wants to stay until the Rose Ceremony<br />
<br />
Elyse sits inside and showing a mouth that looks like it could be used to cut wood for beavers, shrieks: "Who is she!" in a tone like she's trying to supplant <b>Linda Blair</b> if they ever film another version of the <i>Exorcist</i>. <b>Courtney's</b> mouth--never her best feature in the best of moments--peels downward in a skeletor scowl like <i>Joan Rivers'</i> plastic surgeon got ahold of her. And <b>Dr. Emily</b> launches what will become the theme of the rest of the evening, "If she gets a rose, I'm outta here." Ben walks Shawntel back inside on his arm and introduces her to the group. Every eye in the place glares at her and all of them are filled with iced daggers. Sensing impending chaos, Ben, who should have stayed to maintain and enforce civility, lights outta' there like he had a lit bottlerocket stuck in his ass. The second he's gone, they descend on her like wolves. The attacks begin and Courtney finally stands up and stomps away to a nearby room accompanied by soon-to-be-enemy, Dr. Emily. Courtney reiterates Emily's threat; if Shawntel gets a rose she is refusing one. The women--that is every last one of them--by look, word, or private interview--all join in and put on the worst display of mean spirited immaturity in this show's history. The only ones who didn't embarrass themselves (and their parents) were the ones rendered mute by the edit: <b>Jennifer the Red</b> and <b>Nurse Jamie</b>. Even "good girls" Lindzi and Kacie joined in with death glares and <b>Nicki the Narrator</b> settled for vowing never to speak to Shawntel and bawling about it. The rest? They called Shawntel a bitch; ragged her profession; her looks; her character, and basically acted like since she didn't bother to ride in in the limo with them or spend 20 minutes with Ben the last three weeks--like most of them--that she is guilty of giving Crack to 8 year-olds. It was ridiculous, classless, and totally uncalled for. <i>And it was all Ben's fault</i>. Don't like that? Tough! He's the Bachelor! Can you for a moment imagine <b>Brad Womack</b>, for all his faults, putting up with that shit for a minute? A simple game of <i>"You're a psycho; no, you're a psycho!"</i> got women a Greyhound Bus ticket home on his seasons. Or <b>Byron Velvick</b>? He had two women return in his third week and HE decided who stayed and went. One of those returning women had a 5 year relationship with him too. Hell, <b>DeAnna Pappas</b> would have showed enough Sack to stay in the room and command order. There's no excuse for it. Ben abandoned her to the sharks. Suck move, Stormhorse.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Roses:</span></b><br />
Already safe: <b>Dr. Emily</b> (Looked great; but mean as hell too); <b>Lindzi the Mispelled</b> (great and not as bad as others but far from awesome); <b>Chain Smokin' Rachel</b> (acted like a total bitch)<br />
The Wingman finally appears with a cringing Ben in tow as the <i>Palooka Stagehand</i> lines the women up on their dais. Harrison signals and so it begins. Despite being absent and letting Shawntel get savaged, this is Ben's big moment. I edge forward on my seat and cross my fingers: <i>Will Ben Show Some Sack and Bring This Herd to Order? </i><br />
He reaches into the flower dish, spears a rose, and calls out:<br />
1) <b>Courtney the Sharktress</b>: Courtney descends from her spot atop the woman pyramid and basically tells Ben she'll only accept the rose if Shawntel doesn't get one.<br />
I wait like the women for his response but I cheer him on: <i>"C'mon Ben!"</i><br />
Ben…folds like a cheap card table. <i>Oh, Son!</i> I was so begging for his sister Julia to come stomping into the ballroom, hip check her brother out of the way, grab a flower and take charge:<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Listen up, you catty bitches! I'm the Bachelor! I pick who stays and who goes! Not you! This is MY journey to find a wife! Not your chance to decide who will be your middle school sorority sister these next few weeks! Behind me is a door; past that door is a few million tons of bricks, and attached to those bricks is a yellow taxi cab! If any of you aren't ok with that, I suggest you hit those fucking bricks right now!" </span></i><br />
<br />
Had Ben done that, the next time he reached into that flower tray and looked up, he'd have been met by less pairs of eyes staring back at him, but those eyes would be filled with respect, and they would KNOW he means business.<br />
<br />
But alas, Ben is no Julia. He hands Courtney the rose as she smirks and returns to her throne atop the pyramid and the season is OVER.<br />
The vulture troupe, now certain they can roll this guy like a drunken sailor, descend for their flowers while Shawntel stands there humiliated:<br />
2) <b>Sweetie Pie Kacie B.</b>: Still a sweetie but not as sweet after that.<br />
3) <b>Elyse the Fitness Nazi:</b> I love her looks, but wow.<br />
4) <b>Nurse Jamie:</b> Bless you, you sweet classy little thing.<br />
5) <b>Jennifer the Red:</b> It was nice knowing you and I do MEAN that.<br />
6) <b>Mute Casey S.</b>: Once again, being mute is golden on this show.<br />
7) <b>Boom-Boom-Blakely</b>: edit rendered her tolerable.<br />
8) <b>Bi Monica</b>: drunk as usual, but the edit spared her having to explain being an awful bitch…for this week anyway.<br />
9) <b>Nikki the Narrator</b>: Melts down and acts catty too, but lacked the venom of others. Still looked about 12 though.<br />
10) <b>Samantha the Pageant Queen</b>: Edit was kind.<br />
<br />
Ben holds the last rose and starts his preamble before <b>Erika the Dress Filler</b> overcome with the emotion of calling Shawntel "fat" collapses on the stage. When we return, the palooka lines 'em up again as constant voice overs let us know they are all leaving if he gives Shawntel a rose. They prop Erika up as <b>Kacie B</b>. blames Shawntel for her fainting and the Wingman signals go. Ben bumbles, and stumbles, and refuses to hand out the rose to Shawntel like you know he wanted to. <i>Weak, oh so weak</i>. Even if he thought including her was unfair, even if he thought she was nut and couldn't wait to be rid of her; it was the principle after that set of performances. Knowing Ben, he'll think it was funny in his media interviews. Very weak.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Dumped:</span></b><br />
<b>Pig Snout Jacklyn</b>--One of the night's biggest trash talkers runs out to the bathroom with Dr. Emily bawling and is never seen again.<br />
<b>Erika the Dress Filler</b>--Ben walks her over to a duvet and leaves her stranded there like a boat anchor. Better than she deserved.<br />
<b>Shawntel Newton</b>--Ben walks her out as Courtney shouts down at her "See ya!" Ben walks her into the hallway and tells her it didn't seem fair. In private interviews, Shawntel correctly says "If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, what's fairness got to do with it?" She accuses Ben of not "being man enough." Inarguable. One also gets the certain impression more passed between these two than a few flirty Tweets too. Hope you sell some books on dead people dear.<br />
<b>Ben Flajnik</b>: Dumped by <b>Granny Panty Brittney</b>--who carries with her with glow of a Nobel Laureate for getting the hell out of there when the getting was good.<br />
<br />
Next week: They head to Utah to continue the search the Ben's balls--I expect less than success.<br />
<br />
See ya!<br />
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</div>Captain Barbarossahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06282243828541450227noreply@blogger.com3