1/11--Cloud 9

"I feel like I'm on cloud 9." I'm on cloud 9 right now." "After that date, I'm on cloud 9 right now!" All right, all right, all right, I get it! He's a fuckin' pilot! I got it already! Good god, can't they do anything half way? Must everything be relentlessly driven into the ground like that dumb "I'm too sexy for my shirt!" song? Speaking of, did you notice how many times they managed to get 'ol Shorty out of his top? He took the gals on a modeling photo shoot and suddenly his tits were hangin' out. I want my money back. But I guess I shouldn't complain.Your old ship captain is about as straight as they come, but even I'd rather stare at his chest than have to watch his terrible acting. Hey Landrum; William Shatner called and hoped you enjoyed the overacting lessons. If you actually studied acting, you're the one who should get your money back. Work on it, Cheesemachine! You're making my eyes bleed. But the theme of the night must be served, and the previews make sure to hang Rozlyn the Ho out to dry like yesterdays laundry. And the producers were good enough to play the theme music from Jaws just in case anyone was too thick to get it. The cheeser also pops in to a shout out some scripted hyperbole: "Last night was the best night of my life! Nice guys finish last! I'm the luckiest guy in the world!" The necessary cue-card reading at an end, the wingman comes sashaying out and lets the Cheddar-ettes know the date line up for the week--two group dates, and a one-on-one date. He also ominously warns the babes that they had better lose their minds, trash each other, and act like fools to get noticed because "not everyone will be getting a date each week." That message seemed to get thru at least, cause they do indeed start to act like a sack full of glue-sniffing cats right away.

Jake and the Real Girl

Cruelty? Sure, I got some for ya. How about setting up a group date to a modeling photo shoot that consists of 1 slightly above average-looking girl with a decent bod, a fairly wicked sense of humor, and pair her up with 4 bikini models? That should do the trick. Normal-girl Christina is sent to her humiliating doom along with 4 babes who could have Hefner strokin' his ancient mule: Gia the pro, Blond Ashley, Valisha the silent', and Rozlyn the Ho all pile into a stretch SUV with the Cheeser and go to meet the In-Style magazine folks. Oh, yeah, Long-Face Corrie was there too, but we never see her. Four professional models and one gal next door. Nice. The camera, when not trying to peek up the other gals' dresses or down their bikinis, focuses almost solely on Christina and her impending meltdown. Some homo from In-Style comes out positively towering over ol' Shorty and lets the gals know that they will be doing a photo shoot. Sweat pours from Christina's forehead: "I'd rather take a math test!" I bet. This was like taking an average guy to the set of a porn movie and telling him its time for a size comparison contest with the pros. Christina sweats buckets while Gia the pro is rather amazed she actually gets to pose with some clothes on, and Rozlyn the Ho talks about doing this a million times. At some stage of the dress up, the Cheeser manages to lose his shirt. Yecch. Then Roz moves out and starts posing like the pro she is. Cheeser ambles up and at one stage, Roz hikes her leg and the Fleissmonster inserts a black bar the news networks use to protect prosecution witnesses to let us know Roz just flashed her furburger at the camera. Did she? No idea. Christina mumbles she did and no doubt the audience will assume she did anyway, so she might as well have. The other girls go while Christina sweats and finally, its her turn. She does just fine and Cheeser comes up to pose and sooth her. A personal interview is inserted where Christina waxes with apparent sincerity about Joke and how he is just a wonderful guy for helping her. Careful Kiddo; there's a steep drop off that cliff.

That's a Bikini Wrap

Jake then hauls the gals to a hotel rooftop pool for a wrap party. His first victim is Gia the pro. The producers, upset he asked her a real-sounding question about her life, send Blond Ashely out to steal him wearing a black bikini. While Cheeser runs away to change into his baggies, the producers order all of the women into bikinis. Ashley takes a few minutes to plop down on Joke's lap to ride his pocket rocket before all the gals emerge in bikinis and join in. The camera spares us no sight as the 4 pros frolic about showing themselves to be total strangers to the concept of body fat, and no strangers at all to the concept of Plastic Surgery. Christina cowers on the steps and tries to hide under the water and then (understandably) gets drunk. (Funny how they all get drunk but only the gals about to get booted are shown drunk, while the others get their slurs edited out, isn't it?) Jake hauls Roz the ho away for a little talk and she practically assaults him with her lips. The Cheeser, in obvious disbelief that a woman this hot would actually touch him, proceeds to grow a forest full of wood in his drawers. He goggles at her and then Mr. ""I just want a woman with a heart of gold", practically tramples the camera crew and other contestants to get to the date rose. Yeah, Joke, a woman with a heart of gold--provided she looks like Roz. It was obvious how much you were taken by her personality. I mean, you must have exchanged about twenty words with her at this point. Hehehe. Date over.

A Wholesome Cinderella

While Joke and bikini bimbos finish off Christina's self esteem, a card and diamond necklace arrive at the Cheese Palace, but there is no name attached. This allows the left behind cheedar-ettes to speculate and allows Bi-Polar Michelle to show some crazy. But much to her insane chagrin, a follow up note arrives at dawn telling Wholesome Ali to go and get her air sickness bags ready, cause the Cheesemachine is going to cure her fear of flying...even if it kills her. The Cheeser arrives and festoons her with the necklace before he hauls her out to his moped and slaps the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger helmet on her head and its off to the airport. A Piper Cub or some other Buddy Holly-type plane awaits them. Jake is shown carefully checking his aircraft before take-off and this is performed with as much seriousness as if he's about to hurtle skyward to meet the Red Baron in battle. Ali looks like she needs Depends as Joke takes her up, up, and away! They cruise around the California coastline so she can relax and the producers can blare "On the Wings of Love" since they paid for the rights. They land and Ali has relaxed substantially since Jake, for all his BS, is actually a real pilot and flying is about as dangerous as bowling these days. Ali gushes about overcoming her fear while people with real flying phobias join me and roll their eyes.

But planes, I fear, are just not cool enough, so Jake takes her for a ride in a car right out of the Great Gatsby. He takes her to a park for dinner and then over to a field for a private concert with Chicago. "He took me to the most romantic evening. We got to see Chicago!" Left unsaid was the part where Ali, who was about 2 the last time Chicago had a hit, said: "Who the hell are these old guys?" Nevermind. Anyway, constant private interviews, show us Ali has fallen deep into the Bachelor bubble as she gushes about the Jokester as the perfect guy. True, the date was cool, and romantic...I just hope the producers checked birth certificates carefully, because from some angles Ali looked about 15. Seriously, folks, this was an f1 set up if ever there was one. I was powerfully reminded of Tessa Horst and Andy Baldwin here--Ali even had Tessa's dress on. Without the leaks from Reality Steve that says Ali leaves of her own accord, I'd swear we just saw the finale. But I don't doubt Steve; so someone must have slapped some sense into Ali somewhere along the line. Rose? Check! Date over.

Magic Bullshit Mountain

Next up, it's time for a visit to Six Flags Over Muenster as Joke takes his remaining ettes, (less Watering Pot Tenley and Bi-Polar Michele) to a closed theme park to hit the coasters. The news she will be skipped, prompts Bi-Polar Michelle to grab some attention by packing her bags and then...sitting her ass down. Yawn. Back at BS Mountain, Vienna Sausage and Brunette Ashley play exposition characters and narrate us through the date. They barely get inside the front gate when Elizabeth the Tease snatches Jake away and reads him a note telling him not to kiss her unless she is the final one. BUZZZZZZZ! Thank you for playing Teasemaster. Jake, however, Velveeta's the audience: "I respect her values." Yeah, right. He gives her the date rose for being frigid and then she sits alone with him and tries to tease him to insanity. In the end, he kisses her forehead while she sticks her collagen-injected lips about an inch from his cheddar ones. Its actually a good ploy. (He might just keep her until the Fantasy Dates so he can try and break her back in revenge.) It does, however, give Vienna Sausage, who looked shallow, vapid, and brainless last week, to look both possessive and prudish: "I think it's too early for kissing." Really? In just a minute, you're going to admit that the you eloped with (and presumably had hot monkey-sex with) some guy you barely knew. What's a little smooch? No matter. All of this pounds past us while Brunette Ashley gets to leer into the camera and turn on her 'Manson Lights'. Jesus, she has creepy eyes. This girl is still single? I can't imagine why. Elizabeth the Tease gets the rose and fireworks erupt as the other girls are unceremoniously hauled away.

Cocktail Party Ambush

Watering Pot Tenley and Bi-Polar Michelle score the party's first 1 on 1 and do the serious bawling bit before we get to the meat of the evening. While Tenley passes on the divorce news and Michelle passes on the sanity, the wingman slithers into the gathering and hauls Rozlyn the Ho away. Out front of the Cheese Palace, Harrison pins her about having an 'inappropriate relationship' with a staffer and lets her know that the staffer has been axed and she needs to leave. Roz's responses vary between deer in the headlights, caution, and some pseudo-admission that something happened. Harrison tells her she needs to pack and leave and then says the dumbest thing yet this season: "No one's judging you." Really? Kicking her ass off the show would seem to be a judgment of some sort, winger. Roz, either deciding to take the fifth and cut her loses, or truly surprised that they waited until the cocktail party to out her, heads upstairs accompanied by some palooka who watches her like she might steal the silverware on her way out. I know this is all over the net and Roz has both her defenders and condemners, but something obviously did transpire. The winger kept it bland and non specific, but Brunette Ashley and her Manson Lights were under no such constraints: "She had some sexual affair or whatever!" Bingo! Inappropriate just became a hot sex romp. Roz is escorted away and Harrison steals the Cheeser away from Christina. He breaks the news and for about 15 seconds, Pavelka seems surprised and genuinely stunned.

Captain Camembert recovers quickly, however: "Can I have my rose back?"
Harrison: "Absolutely. We don't want to waste a rose on someone when there are a room full of deserving women in there. (Translation: We aren't going to use up one of our precious roses on some crab-laden ho like that!)

Roz is carted away to her own little slice of Bachelor=infamy. Did she screw around? Unless she favors broom closet quickies, I doubt it. They are filmed 24/7 and she had only been there a few days. But is it possible? Sure. Better yet, who cares!? With this guy? A farce from the beginning. Anyway, Cheeser wants to be with Harrison when he meets the babes. They gather em up and Harrison does his "inappropriate--lines were crossed,"" spiel. Then...at least half of the women are edited to appear to be bawling.Why? I have no earthly idea. Harrison gathers Joke and tells them: "Ok, Jake and I are going to leave. Please feel free to cry a lot and trash Roz, ok?" Or something like that. The gals all cry and pile on Roz.

Rose Ceremony

Cheeser, who has found a green onion somewhere to stick in his lapel to moisten his eyes, comes out and starts wielding flowers.

Already safe: Wholesome Ali and Elizabeth the Tease.

1) Vienna Sausage--Just waiting for this tabloid bomb to go off.

2) Gia the pro--Cha-ching!

3) Watering Pot Tenley--Doesn't cry. Miracle.

4) Ella-sultry single mom under the radar this week. Either really good or really bad for her. I'd bet the latter.

5) Silent Valisha-nary a peep but 'ol Barbarossa would have some words for her.

6) Long Face Corrie--Ok.

7) Jessie--Who?

8) Blond Ashleigh

9) Bi-Polar Michelle--producers love this one

10) Kathryn--who?


Ok, two down and waaayyy too many to go. Until we meet again, friends: (You know).

1/4--America: Meet the Cheesemachine!

Wow. And I thought this guy was full of shit. I mean, I knew he was a pilot, but I had no idea he would be flying the Air Force's new BS-52 Cliche Bomber.

"My office is at 37,000 feet."
"Love is stronger than flying."
"If I follow my heart, I can't go wrong."


America, I hope you like your cheese in great big-assed blocks, because Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka has landed!

Folks, how I'm supposed to do this I have no idea. I rolled my eyes so much last night I think I may have detached my retinas...and it was only night one. I mean, golly! (He actually uses the word: "Golly!") It's a well known fact that absolutely no one under the age of eighty has used that exclamation in the last sixty years except to forewarn a victim that the speaker is more full of shit than the septic system beneath a greasy Mexican restaurant. Don't believe me? Just imagine yourself being approached by a car salesman who opens his pitch by saying: "Golly!" You'd grab a hold of your wallet and run the other way like an asteroid. THIS is the guy Producer/ Douche-Rocket Supreme, Mike Fleiss, has foisted on the semi-suspecting public as his new Adonis of fairytale love? Cheese and Corn are not nearly powerful enough adjectives to describe the events of last night.

First, we get nearly 20 minutes of non-stop hyperbole shouted at us by Chris "Wingman" Harrison while the Cheesemachine does everything but play the violin with his shirt off. Then, in an effort to make the habitually square look hip, Fleiss plops him down on the dinkiest little motorcycle I've ever seen and sends him on to the Cheese Palace wearing a giant helmet that looked like it was stolen out of an old prop closet from the set of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Suffice it say, Cool is not a word that came to mind. Harrison then hauls his new Gomer into the backroom for a pow wow and we get our first look at this seasons babes. It's a sad day when the parade of psychos, famehoes, and bi-polar Olympians are the high point of the evening, but they are. It's certainly one of the best looking gaggles they've ever assembled and several even threatened to look sane...but it's early yet. The Cheeser all but guarantees marriage and keeps on aw-shucksing so much, I expected to see the ceremony before the evening ends.

The Cheddar-ettes

Harrison finally stops talking to the dick before I'm forced to ram a hot darning needle through my eye and it's time for the limos. Several gals made a quick first impression: (Quite a few did)

1) Rozlyn--Yow! Tall, leggy blond of the model-perfect variety.

2) Emily--short, brunette with dazzling eyes. Got cut? Huh?

3) Ali--Blond so wholesome-looking she could sell Wonderbread. Expect to see this one a while.

4) Tenley--Previously married but sounded as chaste as Mother Teresa anyway. Mumbled about being 'in love' but never got her crazy on. Barged in and got the first kiss but sounded shy as a hermit. A walking contradiction is this girl. She'll be around a while me thinks. First Impression Rose.

5) Vienna--Smokin' hot bod matched up with some crazy crossed-eyes. Later has Jake feel her up several places. She was gettin' a rose.

6) Ella--Sultry southern babe who looks to have stolen Angelina Jolie's lips. A little older though and has a kid already. We'll see.

7) Corrie--Aw, what's with the long face? Sleuthers say she will be around for a long while. Also bound to be a huge fan favorite because word is she doesn't believe in having sex. Proof that Captain Camembert and I have very different tastes.

8) Valishia-Older, smokin' hot brunette. But older is usually the death knell on this show.

9) Gia--Yeow! Some kind of hybrid between Jolie and Paula Abdul before she got a permanent room at Bellvue. Rose? You ARE kidding.

10) Elizabeth (Nebraska)--Courtney Cox doppelganger. Plays football with Le Cheeseball later and shows him just who has the "girly arm".

11) Elizabeth (D.C.)--Air National Guard Captain. Too smart, too accomplished. See Ya!

12) Tiana--Pretty...but TOO tall for 'ol shorty. Cut instantly.

13) Channy--Oh, c'mon! This was the best looking Asian gal they could net? Had a mouth so big she looked like Mao Tse Osmond. Compared to the others, this was practically 'Token' cruelty.

14) Stephanie--Cute little dance instructor who acted normal. Run out of cheesetown on a rail.

15) Kirsten--Yikes! I've ragged this show for it's Victorian snobbishness concerning divorcees and single mothers in the past, but casting a full blown transsexual might be a bit too forward-thinking for Mr. Golly-Gee.

16) Sheila--Commercial pilot with stunning blue eyes. Sorry, Le Fromage isn't interested in any aviation competition. Bye.

17) Michele--1-800-Psychos-R-Us. This chick was so crazy even Ed didn't get her phone number. Joke kept her anyway.

Also, a couple of Ashleys-Ashleighs- or whatever. All but a couple were hot anyway. Jesse Palmer would have bolted the doors shut and not come out for six months.

The rest? Time-filler hell. Every gal has some shtick to get his attention. I'll reserve judgment until we see a little more.

Jill and Ed Show Up

What the hell was that for? They should have invited Greseball Wes and Caveman Dave--that would have been hilarious. They've adopted a dog? Fascinating!

Ok, one in the books and I'm cringing about number 2 already. Season Previews were shown but I had had enough. This is going to feel like a marathon before it's over. This bastard better keep some hotties! Until we meet again, friends: Arghhhhh!

A Week to Go--An Early Prediction

No comment required. Sometimes a picture is actually worth a thousand words.

10/13--Black Tuesday.

Mike Fleiss, Next Entertainment, and ABC Television has a message for YOU, the serious Bachelor Fan!

Well, that was lovely. After months of the loyal fans of the Bachelor wheedling, crying, pleading, and even begging Producer/Human shitburger, Mike Fleiss, to name any other XY chromosome creature on the planet as the next Bachelor besides Jake Pavelka; Fleiss has made his call and let his feelings about each of us be known: We Can all Go Straight to Hell! Needlessly waiting for two months to make a choice that could have been made even before Jillian Harris' Bachelorette had ended, Dr. FrankenFleiss went into his lab and reanimated the corpse of his newest FrankenBachelor: Jake "Chessemachine" Pavelka. Bozo the Clown would have been a better choice...and a damn sight more believable in the role. Fleiss even had the cajones to subtitle the coming monstrosity: "On the wings of love!" on the odd chance that anyone was dense enough to see this as anything but a joke.

More stunning than the single-digit IQ required to make such a choice, is the gall required to slap the most loyal of the fanbase right across the mouth, despite their pleas. In the last several weeks, I've seen every imaginable name in the Bachelor pantheon bruited about as a contender--from former hotties to third-rate also-ran's cut on the second episode three seasons ago--as alternatives to Jake Pavelka. In the closing hour before the announcement was made, the desperation and panic became so thick that people were actively calling for last seasons' villain of villains, Greaseball Wes Hayden, to be given the part instead. And yet he did it anyway. Even P.T. Barnum knew that you had to give the suckers what they wanted. How I'm supposed to blog about this and control my gag reflex is beyond me.

I will blog about the coming season for as long as I can. I'll make no promises beyond that. I will attempt to find humor in what is essentially an insult, and I'll do it for as long as I can possibly stand it, or until the horrifying acting of Pavelka burns my retinas out and I go blind. Fleiss has left me no choice on how to approach it either. He has chosen the one human being that I did not want to see, and put him in charge of his own insane clown posse of women. I now pledge to become the "Cheese Grater", and dedicate my energies to eviscerating Pavelka--cell by cell--every single week. Make no mistakes, that woman who outed The Cheeser to the press a few weeks back was clearly shooting off her mouth in hopes that she could escape the approaching train wreck. I hope for her sake that she succeeded, but I doubt it. Women already cast for the show are probably doing anything in their power to make their escapes now: becoming impregnated, catching VD, exposing themselves to Swine Flu, or having themselves committed to an insane asylum. What's a few weeks in Bellvue compared to this nationally televised humiliation?

Fleiss must loathe us. I'm gonna' loathe him right back. Lock up the kiddies, folks. This season, this blog will be rated "P" for piratical. Candy asses stay clear! The Jolly Roger is going up the main mast. Argh!

9/7--Poll Results--and they say a lot

YOU Have Spoken.
















Ok, Poll results are in. I asked you guys to vote not for who you wanted to see as the next Bachelor, but for who you THOUGHT would get the role. Now, I suspect there was a lot of wishful thinking going on in the voting and not as much truth, but hey, free country and all of that. The results, however, speak volumes about the preferences of the fandom's hardcore base. They are:

Out of 42 votes cast, fan favorite Reid Rosenthal picked up 27 votes, or 64%. Bloodless human statue, Kiptyn Locke, scored a minuscule 8 votes, or 19%, while Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka came in dead-assed last with only 7 votes, or 16%. Even more tellingly, this poll ran congruently with the first swirling rumors that the new Bachelor had been chosen and all signs pointed toward Pavelka. This should serve as a warning sign to the producers of just how strongly the fandom does not want this guy. The boards are filled with comments about his expected candidacy that run the gamut from the rarely believed vow "not to watch" to the more believable assertion that the show will be fodder only for it's comic potential of seeing the disingenuous Cheeser wandering around spouting off scripted hyperbole like he's the new wingman, and engaging in false dating with a herd of fameho's or the truly gullible. Fandom's bottom line (and its nearly universal) is that even the pretense of fairytale romance will be thrown out the window if Pavelka is announced at the next Bachelor.

Perhaps last weeks rumors were merely a trial balloon to see how the base would react to Pavelka? Well if they were, Fleiss and Co. got their answer with one giant Thud! My blog is tiny, with a small readership, but like any polling it makes the statistical sampling point quite nicely. Name Pavelka in the role and the producers can forget the base pestering their co-workers around the water cooler to watch the show and root for "X." Becoming invested in the 'journey' of any contestant? Fuggetaboutit! There aren't enough gullible human beings in the western hemispheres television market to believe this guy after seeing him in focus for a few weeks. Without any belief in the sincerity of the lead, ratings will collapse like like a house made of jelly. And the post show interviews? Every TV producer in the land who assigns this story to his on-air talent will have in their tremulous mitts the clip from last season of Pavelka collapsing over that hotel balcony railing and bawling. Just imagine that clip in the hands of Jimmy Kimmel; comic relief gives way to farce, and farce is the one thing this show can never openly declare. The threat that someone might actually fall in love is the foundation of the show--the drama and BS are just the garnish. Fandom doesn't have a long memory, but they remember the last Bachelor who was so desperate to get the role that he went along with whatever he was told: Jason Mesnick.

Mesnick was up against Jeremy Anderson for the role. Anderson was a lawyer with leading man good looks while Mesnick looked like what he was: a Jewish insurance salesman with an ok bod, ok looks, and trending toward baldness. By just about any barometer, Anderson should have gotten the job. But Mesnick had a huge fanbase among the masses and the fandom, and that along with Mesnicks' malleability to producer wishes won out. The fandom learned it's lesson. The ending Mesnick and the producers orchestrated remains the biggest trainwreck in this show' s history and Mesnick remains about as popular as the Ebola virus with fans. Despite the big ratings the finale scored, I can't imagine any thinking human being wanting to see a replay of the Mesnick/Rycroft/Mallaney ending. There remains a real chance that Mallaney and Mesnick might actually marry--and for the first time in show history virtually no one will care. They just want them to go away.

The results of my little poll on my little blog are clear: The Fandom Does Not Want Jake Pavelka--they will settle for Kiptyn Locke--and they REALLY want Reid Rosenthal, despite my personal misgivings. I'm at the point of actually daring the producers to go ahead and hire the Cheeser. It will make feminist groups happy to get rid of this show once and for all, and I can reclaim my life and stop blogging. Any Fleiss-minions wandering around here should get the message: Pay Rosenethal what he wants and enjoy a banner season. Hire Pavelka only if you're tired of getting checks from ABC. Personally, I plan to eviscerate the guy on a weekly basis. Snark-blogging about Pavelka will definitely channel my inner-barbarian, and it will be about as difficult as killing goldfish in a rain barrel using hand grenades. When the ratings fell because of your sloppiness last time, Fleiss, ABC stuck with you. I wouldn't count on getting a third chance. Fair warning.

ABC Trashes Its Own Show

"Ich Bin Ein Pimp Master!"






In the newest Olympic sport--Insanity!--ABC has decided to come out of the gate smokin'! No, no Tail-End Charlies are these guys. After 18 seasons of claiming to be the lost fairytale romance from days of yore, the pressure must have finally gotten to them and they decided it was time to parody themselves and just admit they are nothing more than a cartoon. In the newly updated site for Bachelor 14 from ABC, the network has written a show description that would have P.J. O'Rourke green with satirical envy. Either some intern has slipped one past the powers that be, or Fleiss and his gang have been on a 48 hour glue-sniffing bender. What I am about to post is NOT something I wrote to be funny. It's from the actual network website. Enjoy!

When it comes to falling in love, The Bachelor has the formula down: Add a parade of 25 (often-times bikini-clad) babes, a hot tub, tear-riddled elimination rounds, verbal cat fights, multiple make-out sessions and a mansion.

When it comes to staying in love... well...

*crickets*

The Bachelor takes us on an all-access journey with one man looking for his ultimate sweetheart.

Whether you're envious, excited or completely revolted by the scenario, we know you can't help but spy on our leading man as he plays tonsil hockey with his many lady loves. Arguably the luckiest guy on the planet–for just one television season–our bachelor finds himself TOTALLY exempt from the cheating rule. In this world, nobody hates the player.

The bachelor is the object of 25 girls' affection. And these women aren't those trashy bar flies you see on other reality dating shows–these ladies are classy (yes, with a "c"!) and they are looking to get hitched. Have no doubts over their determination–these women will do anything to make an impression. ANYTHING. You get to see how lady contestants play the game not only in front of the bachelor, but also what side they show the other girls. (Two-face much, ladies?) And we know you love it when the claws come out. Oh, and they do!

Will these bachelorettes' efforts go unnoticed? You'll find out because you get to play spy during all of the one-on-one dates. These rendezvous can involve anything from couples massage and bubble baths to helicopter rides and bungee jumping.

At the end of each episode, the bachelor reflects on all of his darlings to determine who will go home in the rose ceremony elimination. And we know his choices are always the subject of heated living room debate. As the season progresses, you are taken along on the bachelorettes' hometown visits where our playboy extraordinaire switches gears to meet the family. You'd think the prospect of in-laws would kill the buzz for our said mack daddy. But quite the opposite inevitably occurs as the bachelor falls further down the relationship rabbit hole.

Who will steam up the hot tub with the bachelor this season? From which exotic location will he propose to his "true love"? Sit back and enjoy as host, Chris Harrison, A/K/A "The Pimp Master," guides us each week as the bachelor narrows down the field of his female pickings to the final ONE!

That's right, folks. According to ABC, the new Bachelor will play "tonsil-hockey" with a bunch of lying, two-faced women who will do ANYTHING to make an impression; presumably even, throw themselves off a building or leap into a set bear trap. Look, folks, your ol' pirate here is no sanctimonious preacher, but drugs damage the brain--Just Say Maybe. Anyway, I can't wait to see Harrison in his new Bachelor Host Uniform--a shaggy fur coat topped with a purple Fedora. Bet his momma down in Texas is proud.I've always suspected Mike Fleiss was a complete lunatic, and now I know he is. Honesty can be refreshing and I suppose confession is good for the soul and all, but this was like watching a celebrity sex tape--entertaining, but perhaps we staggered into the realm of Too Much Information?

And I thought I was crazy.

In case you think I'm making this up? See it before they remove it...or don't.

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/about-the-show

While We Wait--The Big Three

The Three Suckers...er, Finalists

Jake (Cheesemachine) Pavelka

Kiptyn (Krypton) Locke
Reid (The Seed!) Rosenthal

Yep, there they is...in all their glory: the next three suckers all volunteering to have their characters, reputations, and sanity's leveled lower than mowed grass by Producer/ Human Sphincter, Mike Fleiss, and his relentless televised circus, The Bachelor. On a side note, several folks have emailed and asked why I haven't joined in on the pile-on against Jillian Harris and her fiance Drop Dead Edward Swiderski from the recently completed Bachelorette 5. That's an easy one: show's over. Whatever relationship they have or don't have isn't any of my damn business. If they make it through this shit storm that Romeo Ritchie and that weapon he has semi-hidden in his Jolly Green Shorts have caused, well, you can mark these two down for the marriage mart. The fallout for those two has been nothing short of seismic and any shaking me and my little blog could add to the earthquake they're living through wouldn't amount to more than a fart in a hurricane--so I'll let them be and just see if they make it or not. Besides, Satan Fleiss has three more volunteers lining up for his reputation-firing squad and that means fresh prey for your old pirate.

Bachelor 14

...The thunder rolls and the lightning strikes...

You couldn't kill this damn show with Atrazine...or hemlock. No, I'm afraid the various feminist groups and people with taste who cringe at the very mention of this franchise are going to have to resort to nuclear weapons if they want to get rid of it. However, classless, tasteless rednecks like myself can hardly wait for the next cheesefest to get rolling and we haven't long to wait either. Weak Wingman and overpaid emcee of trash, Chris Harrison, has been tweeting his cold, blackened heart out to let us all know that the next round of schlock will be premiering in early January. Naturally this means that filming must soon be underway and that means a new Bachelor Douchebag-Supreme must soon be anointed to take the reins and start warming his lips up. For those of you who were hoping to see someone new on the show, well, let's just say you're shit out of luck. Various interviews with two of the three men as well as Beelzebub Fleiss have confirmed it's a three douche race...and you know them all. How convenient.


Man of Marble

The one guy everyone could pretty much agree after the last Bachelorette that was good looking, classy, sensible, and sane was Kiptyn Locke. He was obviously edited to look tremendous. The problem with his edit was that he was edited to the point of looking nearly unreal. Of all the main contenders, he probably generated the least passionate fan base and that's the shows fault. You can edit someone to appear so flawlessly that they start to resemble a statue instead of a man. Kiptyn came across like a marble chisel-job, not a living breathing human being with flaws and quirks. None of this was helped by the fact that Kiptyn was classy, reserved, and determined not to make a fool of himself. Regardless, if I had my druthers he'd be the next Bachelor.
Reasons the Producers would want him: Good looks, six-pack abs, a level head, possessed of considerable class. Runs a charity.

Reasons they might not: A squishy fan base. One also gets the impression he would hard to bully into doing things he didn't approve of. He didn't seem ready to propose to Jillian until the last second and never slobbered all over her. They want a proposal, or at least a trainwreck at the end of every season. Once they announce him, they're stuck. He becomes the one with the power and the last thing they want is a Bachelor who won't play along with the next nefarious scheme they dream up. His profession was never clearly defined on the Jillian season but he clearly comes from a wealthy clan. In other words: he doesn't really need this, and would probably to object to some of the producer's more outrageous script ideas.

Man of Quirks

The biggest, most-rabid fanbase I have ever seen in the fandom of this show is owned by one Reid "Honeybear" Rosenthal. He built this fanbase despite being rendered virtually mute the first month of last season on nothing more than his dorky glasses and a ready smile. But once he allowed the producers to con him into appearing at the FRC as needless cannon fodder, he shot into the stratosphere. He also got a more real edit than Kiptyn. His quirks, phobias and weaknesses made him appear human, and to many, positively adorable. Add to that the sympathy he garnered for getting tricked and mega-dumped at the FRC and you got one popular dude. He's my number 2 pick mostly because of the depth of hurt and bitterness he demonstrated at the After the Final Rose show. He was obviously VERY hurt by his double dismissal and I think it's way too soon for him to be dating. Nevertheless, the Real Estate market is about as soft as microwaved Velveeta everywhere in the country and it's hard to imagine he's moving too many properties for Rosenthal Inc. in Philadelphia these days. It's also a good bet that if he's the producer's choice that they're waving a fistful of cash under his nose.

Reasons they want him: Good looks, a quirky sense of humor, and a wild-eyed maniacal fan base.

Reasons they might not: Seems like a tough, experienced business guy who wouldn't mind making demands. Part of his edit was the whole 'indecisive" bit that makes a proposal no guarantee. Quirks and neuroses are cute with a second banana, but with the lead? Can they afford to have him look like a nerd?


Man of Cheese

In mass online polls at places like TV Guide, Jake Pavelka always wins when fans are asked who should be the next Bachelor? At places for the 10,000 or so members of fandoms hardcore base, however, Pavelka is usually dead last. His over the top antics last season may have caused casual viewers to swoon over his good guy heroism, but the more refined (and cynical) veterans of this show can spot a fake pretty easily, and they do not want Pavelka in the role. He was edited as the extremely honest, selfless, earnest super-dude who even returned after being dismissed not to recapture Jillian and mend his broken heart, but to protect her from that human lice- blanket, Greaseball Wes Hayden. Veteran viewers recognized the set up pretty easily while the uninitiated masses missed it. Last minute phone calls to non-existent foot fetishists and damning confrontations (that turned out to be untrue) against Hayden were quickly recognized among the faithful as the silly flim flams they were. And no one will be able to forget his showstopper that had news anchors all over North America rolling in the aisles when they tried to interview Jillian: his ridiculous balcony railing flop (complete with fake tears) when she failed to heed his warnings about that heartbreaker, the Greaseball. Taken as a whole, few contestants on this show have ever looked more plastic and disingenuous than Pavelka, and the hardcore fandom know it. But he remains a major contender for a lot of reasons.

Reasons they want him: Great body, great looks, a 'sexy' profession (airline pilot), and the willingness to do and say absolutely anything the producers want. He also appeals to the masses with his aw schucksness act because they seem to have forgotten they are watching a TV show. Proposal? It's in the bag. This guy would propose on the first night to one of the limo drivers if the producers told him to. He would also probably do the show for free. The ultimate "Producer's Dream."

Reasons they don't: The hardcore of the fandom ain't buying it. The 10,000 or so lunatics on the internet (like me) are the ones who actually create the buzz about each season, and they don't want this guy. Producer Dream is only a dream to a producer; not a fan. This show is about ratings and some plastic actor doesn't fill seats in front of tv's. This guy should definitely be "Plan C", or should be encased in glass with a sign that says: "Break only in the case of an emergency!" Last season the producers had to go with Plan C, but were lucky it turned out to be a fairly likable Canadian girl. They won't be that lucky again.

Ok, there's my take. Now we wait for the announcement.