Emily Week 3: Alessandro Lincoln: Vampire Hunter!

Well, that was pretty good, wasn't it? Thrilling? No. But pretty good. I'm impressed with Emily. She tossed two dudes out who clearly had had enough of this show, but came across as sincere, picky, and tough. Nothing wrong with that. Is she going to meet her husband here? Uh, no. Emily has been single since…well, her entire life. At 26 she is living in a $450,000 plus house, driving a $50,000 SUV and doing it all with no visible means of income. Yeah, I'm sure she struggles to get dates. My well-deserved cynicism aside, she has represented well and is showing a lot more common sense than most Bachelorettes. Well done, Emily. But before I break my arm patting her on the back, I'd better recap.

We get the requsiste opening shot of Emily being served breakfast in bed by her doting momma and daughter Ricki hating all over the cameras like a real little girl. Good job, Ricki; tell all those creepy weirdos to get out of your free house. The poor kid.
After seeing momma doting on her little princess, we switch to Harrison greeting the boys outside of Bachelor Pad Dixie dressed in his casual gear and needlessly recounting all the ways you can get booted off the show. He also fills us in on the date lineup--2, one-on-one dates and 1 Group Date--before he drops the date card and races away to test out Charlotte's best golf courses, his work week already half way over. Charlie Knieval bestirs himself and reads off the name of Bobble-Head Chris: "Love is a steady climb." Fear of heights, anyone? Turns out Fleiss read the wrong psychological profile this time. Chris isn't afraid of heights; Emily is. But lacking terror at slowly step-climbing up a building doesn't phase Chris--he's on the Jake Pavelka Cheese Machine Training Course of ridiculously golly-gee overstatement. "Whatever it is, I'm really looking forward to it and honored to be given the opportunity." In a private interview, he purses his little chick mouth and relates breathlessly, "It's my time to shine!If I don't get that rose, I'll be devastated. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world!" Calm down before you injure yourself, Chris.

Before he hyperventilates, they quick-cut to him walking in the dark with Emily. She gushes about his cuteness and then walks him over to a building for a climbing adventure. They stand at the base of the building and dangle some ropes over the edge so Chris can hammer us with some scripted metaphors from Fleiss's well-thumbed filing cabinet: "Climbing a building is like love. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up, and we're going to end up at the top." And I bitched about the Muppets. Anyway, they use some reverse rappelling equipment I've never seen before, but I think it's equipment specially designed for 80 year-olds. Emily, who appears about as athletic as Courtney Love, manages to slow walk up to the top without even heavy breathing. Couldn't have been too hard. Bobble Head might be a ham with the hyperbole, but he looked damn near bored. So much for quaking with fear; wrong psychological profile, Fleiss. Ha. To stir some drama, Fleiss orders the Special Effects Department to find some lightning flashing about a hundred miles away as they emerge on the buildings roof.

Once on the roof, the thunderstorm Fleiss hires blows Emily's hair around and she flirts shamelessly with the bobbling headed one…or at least she does until she finds out how old he is. "You're twenty-five?" Gulp. Emily expected him to much older for some reason. This gives her a chance to announce his age to be a "red flag" cause she is a package deal, in case he's been living under a rock by the pool these last few weeks and hasn't heard or wasn't paying attention when she hauled her daughter up onstage to frolic with the Muppets. Actually it's just a chance to segue to the ginned up drama of the evening. We cut to a cell phone call between Fugly Tony and his son. Boo hoo. Very moving. Anyway, back at the rooftop, Chris turns on the charm without his bobble head falling off his shoulders, and Emily gives him the rose. She then leads him to a cordoned off street where some country music dude named,er…I don't remember. But I give the guy credit, he wasn't lip synching, no matter who he was. The twosome dances around and finally Chris earns his cheeseball wings when he kisses her and assures us that kissing her was the "greatest thing in my life!" Son of Pavelka. If he tells us nice guys finish last or that he was known as Mr. Dateless, we may have our new Bachelor. But Emily's future husband? Eh, doubtful. Date over.

Emily's Horny Friends

With the Bobble Head safely back at Bachelor Pad Dixie gushing out lines of script to the cameras, Emily heads to a park in Charlotte with her group date gang so they can play with some tykes (to show off their awesome fatherhood skills, don't ya know) and to let her horny, middle-aged girlfriends poke, prod, and grill her beefcakes. Two sensible looking (and acting) brunettes handle the fatherhood questions, while a frumpy Pakistani and a horny, washed-out looking barfly-blond, stick to the sex questions. The blond actually asks the Ostrich Egg dude if he fertilized the egg himself. How come I never get asked questions like that? Anyway, a handful of dudes get asked questions but the 1st Wives Club mostly forces the men to do pushups, dance, and look for other certain clues as to their wonderfulness as husbands and fathers. That is, they did..until Bodybuilder Sean arrives. He walks up and I thought the blond was going to try and rape him. Sean turns as red as a beat as they make him strip down shirtless and act like their personal slaveboy. Blond Wendy gushes that he is a "genetic gift to the world", and then sits on his back while he does shirtless push ups. Why do I get the feeling she wished Sean were facing the other direction? Anyway, her horny friends finished, Emily tosses some cold water on the boys by siccing some tykes on them. They all frolic in the park, but Arena League Ryan decides to break ranks and introduce Emily and her friends to a dose of his undeserved arrogance. He breaks in on their hen talk and lets Emily know that if she ever gets fat, he's gonna' trade her in on a 20 year-old hardbody. Emily doesn't care much for that, and who could blame her. The guy's a personal trainer who used to play Arena League and has a douchy bedhead. Where did the high opinion of himself come from? Confidence is one thing; arrogance quite another. From now on his name is Overrated. You just know this guy was in a college frat that specialized in getting 18 year-old freshman too drunk to resist. What a Tool.

Fugly Tony Dumps Himself

As darkness falls, Emily takes the gang to swank place called Butter, and it's here that she fawns on Sean, and where Fugly Tony decides he has no chance with Emily and uses his son as an escape hatch. Sean, who looked like solid gold during the group date, continues to get a shining edit. The guy comes across as earnest, honest, interested in faith, and from a strong family. And he's shredded. Just ask horny Wendy. Next up is Dug!, and his beady eyes, who tells a tale of woe of being abandoned and then spending time in foster homes. It was pretty tough. Emily started crying. He's looking good for the moment. But after the touching stuff, it's time to bore us. Overrated Ryan digs into Fugly Tony and tries to get him all worked up about his kid so he can exit. The next one-on-one card arrives while Tony gets wound up to walk out, and no surprise, the date goes to Racecar Arie. He can hardly wait to jump in front of a camera and launch into some cheesy racing metaphors. "I'm used to things moving fast, but it's been slow so far with Emily. I'm hoping this date really revs things up." Is Arie a Formula One driver? His sponsor must be Velveeta. Maybe they call his car the McClaren Cheesebag? Anyway, Kay-Lynn tosses a lame put down at him, "Can you drive a stickshift?" Arie assures him he can, and we all know that Kay-Lynn can drive any stickshift he comes across, even if it's attached to a guy named Bob. Regardless, it's time for Fugly Tony to work himself up into a lather and set the groundwork for his escape. He sits with Emily and whines…and whines…and whines. Look, I could give a shit if this guy misses his kid. Go home! Fine by me. But if it's genuinely bothering you, why did you agree to be separated from him for weeks? Emily was gone for a 7 week shoot on Brad's show and she didn't whine herself off the set. Shockingly, little Ricki survived. Anyway, Dug!, who apparently doesn't miss his kid much, hauls Tony into a dingy alley and tells him his kid won't even remember him being gone, so don't sweat it. Dug's right. But saying it that way makes it sound like you don't care about your tyke for shit, Dug. I don't mind Fleiss putting single parents on this show in the least, but I don't want to hear them spend half an episode whining about their kids either. But noooooooooooooo. One of Fleiss' minions hands him a cell phone so he can call the disinterested kid and he can work himself up into a full lather. Was this real? Was Tony's only reason for leaving the pain of separation? Maybe. But it's also possible with this show that Harrison had the guy in the alley kneeing him in the crotch so his eyes would water. Then they wasted a ton of my time showing the guy whine. Suffice it to say, Emily basically told him to go home to his kid and Tony took off like a shot. One down, two to go.

Dolly Parton was at Dollywood? Shocking!

It's time for erudite, European-born racecar driver Arie to experience some culture shock. The producers decide it was a wise move to have Emily take the only European in the cast to the Dollywood Theme Park, which I believe is located in Peckerwood, Tennessee. Such fun. Look, these Europeans practically vomit at the thought of Disney and hell that place has mimes. So just to rub the stake in the eye, they send Arie to the redneck equivalent:Dollywood.They should have made Arie wear a beret and recite electric poetry while Emily led him around the park trying to get him to try the moonshine. Arie looked as thrilled as you might expect. Once inside the park, Emily and Arie wander around and the producers contract-extort Emily onto a roller coaster so Arie can act all manly and protective. Emily looks ready to poop her drawers as the "Wild Eagle" mounts the hills and plunges around. I wonder if Arie was a true gentleman and held her hair back while she puked? Arie flounders around like a fish out of water, but plays the good sport. Emily looked approving. "I think Arie may have a little country in him." Yeah, and by "country", I think she means Holland, but nevermind. It's time to move on to the point of the visit: its time for the twosome to wander into the musical theater and for Dolly Parton to come out and "surprise" Emily. To her credit, Emily does indeed look blown away at the surprise--which proves she's a decent actress or as dense as titanium. You're in freaking Dollywood, Emily Maynard; home of your music idol, Dolly Parton! You remember Dolly, don't you, Emily? Dolly's the woman who used to famous for having HUGE boobs; now she's famous for looking like a wax dummy of herself. Jeez, Dolly, wrinkles aren't really that scary. Regardless, Dolly "surprises" them and even she thinks Emily is a little dense about the ambush. "Yes, quite a surprise that Dolly Parton is here at Dollywood, eh?" Lol. Dolly might looked like an embalmed hooker, but that was pretty sly. Anyway, Dolly sings for them, acts like she knows something about Emily and then kicks them out of her crypt. Arie takes Emily over to a merry-go-round and sucks her face off. Wow! Man those Europeans are a horny as Emily's friends. Good Job, Arie. The rose is a cert. Date over.

Alley-Cat-Ssandro has Had Enough Too.

At the cocktail party, another suitor decides he's had enough of this show and basically shows himself to the exits. Allessandro, who used to be half of one full Hispanic guy with his partner, Alejandro, gets Emily alone and basically tells her that her daughter is a big "compromise" he would have to make. Since the dude is Portuguese, I was sure there was a translation issue here, and maybe there was. But he assured her it wasn't the case and he knew what he meant. Emily practically removed her high heels and hit him in the center of the forehead with her spiked heel. She rushes him to the exit and throws him out. In the car the guy looked stunned. Still unsure if there was a translation issue, I took a quick peek at Emily's blog and she said Alessandro took her out into the woods to show her all the crosses he'd hung from the trees to ward off vampire. "He thought he was a vampire hunter!" What? The guy thought he was Abraham Lincoln? Wow, what a nut. Then they show us edited footage from the park meeting and we see Alessandro telling Emily's buds that he dated his cousin, enjoys one night stands, and pretty much frequents whore houses. Once Emily throws him out, she has a sit down with Kay-Lynn, so he can show her what a spoiled, egotistical, and condescending bottle of Summer's Eve he is. While whining about having to share, Emily tries to commiserate with his feelings and he tells her, "I love to hear you talk, but please don't interrupt me." BUZZ! Ok, there's all the proof you need that this guys continued existence on your TV screen is a producer stunt. Emily would be better off with Allessandro, the Whore-Mongering Vampire Hunter. Fleiss laughs fiendishly: he's had his whiner, his psycho, and his douche. Good enough. He sends in the Wingman wielding his signature cheese knife and champagne glass and calls the evening to a halt.

Roses: 

Already Safe:
Bobble Head Chris, Sean the Genetic Marvel, Arie the Racer
1) One-F-Jef--quiet week.
2) Charlie Knieval--Might be about time to crashland into Dumpsville.
3) Dug! The Absent Father-- Your kid will forgive you…or write a book about how much you suck for going on reality shows and ignoring him.
4) Michael and his Greasy Hair--considering the only words I've heard him say are "Yes.", I'm pretty sure we can forget about him.
5) Ostrich Egg Travis--Emily was as sick of his ostrich egg stunt as I was and broke it in the driveway. She should have busted it over his frohawk.
6) Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer--He said five words this week. Might make top 10.
7) Overrated Ryan--Proof that this show is based almost solely on looks for the first month. Tool.
8) John Wolf, and his rapidly receding hairline.
9) Kay-Lynn--Go kiss Fleiss for that rose, loser.
Harrison wanders in and does what little he does for a paycheck bigger than Dolly Parton's plastic surgery bills.
10) Pretty Boy Nate--said three words in three weeks. Fill that suit, son!

Dumped: 

Stevie, the squinty-eyed, street performer. Man, how did she let a catch like this guy go? Amazing.

Overrated Ryan now takes a few moments to predict a feud with Arie. ZZZZZZ.
Next week: Bermuda where Bobble Head Chris wants to know why Dug the Absent Father wants to cost him a rose with Emily.

Emily--Week 2: Muppet Torture

Harrison and the only funny Muppet, Statler. Who rules!

Muppet Torture

This is what I get for ignoring the message boards and Twitter the last few months. With Emily's "image" as an angelic single mom, I wasn't expecting drunken blow outs and wild hot tub scenes, but the Muppets? I must be the only person on the face of the Earth that thinks the Muppets are irritating as hell. And before you just dismiss me as a nasty old curmudgeon, keep in mind that this pirate was forced to endure endless episodes of Barney the Dinosaur and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a young father. But the Muppets? They suck. Well most of them anyway. I guess it comes as no surprise that I like the two grouchy old men, is it? Nevermind. Until Emily gets to establish her credentials as Snow White the Single Mom and then heads off to Europe to make out with a bunch of dudes, I'll just have to endure.

Harrison looks ready to endure anyway. Taking a few minutes away from hitting on women on his Facebook, the newly-single Wingman comes out onto the pool deck of Bachelor Pad Dixie and rounds the boys up. With his dark Jedi mind control, Harrison starts off by stating as fact that all the well-sculpted meatheads are already in love with Emily after the Meet and Greet. The boys all smirk, nod and answer "These aren't the droids we're looking for." Harrison grins knowingly and then whips out his favorite threat, "Not all of you will be going on dates this week, so when you get time alone with Emily and the Muppets, you'd better act like you think they're cute or you're outta here!" The men nod in submission and Harrison drops the date card before heading out to meet some young, single "fans."

Arena League Ryan Gets Domestic

Single father Dug reads off the name of former "professional football player" (cough! Arena League) Rhino Ryan and his bedhead. Ryan smirks, refers to his pastor, and then heads inside to muss his hair, scuff his shoes, and un-shave his square chin for his date. This gives sexually challenged Texan, Kay-Lynn a moment or two to read some script to the camera about how badly he wants to pillage Ry--er, I mean Emily. As Ryan emerges in a linen t-shirt, Emily comes tootling up to the mansion in her soccer-mom mobile. A Tahoe? How many kids do you have Emily? Nevermind. They head out to pollute the ozone in her oversized gas guzzler but instead of bungee jumping over a bridge, she hauls Rhino back to her place to mow her grass, steam clean her carpets, fetch her groceries…ok, I'm lying, but not by much. Instead of some high-octane, freaky fake Bachelorette date, Emily takes him inside for an low-octane freaky fake date instead. Emily tells le Beefcake that since she's supposed to provide snacks for Ricki's soccer team, they are going to bake cookies like she always does (rolls eyes). What a shame they stopped selling cookies at the store. Anyway, she dresses him in an apron and they bake some cookies while his penis shrinks to the size of a gnat. Emily is impressed he passed the cookie test. Amen.

She then drives them over to the soccer field but leaves him in the car so Ryan won't hear the other moms screaming at her for bringing cookies to a soccer practice instead of something healthy. The required single mom duties complete, the two are now allowed to act like adults. Emily ditches the Tahoe for an Aston Martin and comes over to pick Ryan up. She tosses him the keys and he drives them over to a ritzy restaurant where four hundred people Fleiss recruited stand outside and post pics to their Twitters as the couple goes inside. They sit down to dinner and she asks some tough questions and he smarms her pretty good. They actually have a deep conversation for the first date, and the chemistry looks pretty good.

Back at the Mansion, the date card arrives and just about every single guy I've pegged as a suit filler gets called out for a something to do with a theater. Kay-Lynn's smarmy noggin pops up on my screen to assure us he "embraces the stage" like the true Barbara Streisand fan that he is. I'm a believer.

Ryan keeps up the charm offensive and scores points with Emily. She lets us know in a private interview that Ryan is too much like Brad, "He's too perfect." Like Brad? Don't you mean like Jake Pavelka? Brad was a commitment phobe; Jake was too perfect. Nevermind. Despite the mixed characters, Ryan seems to have done well and he easily gets the rose. They go and dance while some country group named Gloriana lip syncs and a crowd films Ryan and Emily and put it up on YouTube. Date over.

Ugh! Muppet Time

Emily hauls the 90% suit fillers to see the Muppets. She is joined the by two South Americans who are actually one guy--Allesandro/jandro, as well as Kay-Lynn, John Wolf, Pretty boy Nate, Aaron the Biology Teacher, Fugly Tony, and several others not worth mentioning. They are joined by a couple of players, Bobble Head Chris, One-F-Jef, and the focus of the performance, Charlie Knievel--the collapsing deck daredevil. Now amidst the lameness the Muppets are going to pass around, Charlie becomes the focus of the drama since he's still recovering from the head injury he suffered and has trouble talking…I think. Maybe it's only in public? He was never clear about that. The rest of the time he sounded fine, but what do I know? Regardless, quick as a flash here comes Kermit and Ms. Piggy to irritate the hell out of me. Kermit mushmouthes, sings lame songs, tells lame jokes, and Piggy runs around screeching and karate chopping people for no good reason, like usual. Fozzie Bear comes out to teach a few of the stiffs how to do bad stand up comedy and succeeds beyond his wildest dreams. They perform a dance number where Emily shows she's no Ashley Hebert. Amidst the nonsense, Charlie freaks out and goes to see Emily about his speech problem. She lets him out of singing and instead he gets a soft spot being interrogated by Ms. Piggy. If he could survive that, he's fine. Anyway, the show ends with Emily onstage dragging like Ricki up there to refuse to sing with Kermit. Well at least the kids got taste. Harrison joins Statler, the only funny Muppet, and these two provide the only chuckles of the evening by tearing the show to pieces. No wonder Trojan is going sponsor his next show: ageless good looks, tons of money, and comic timing to boot. Some guys have it all. The guy's a chick magnet. Harrison will do ok too.

The after party ensues and Bobble Head Chris is up first to tell us how he needs the rose worse than air or something. Emily tells him how good-looking he is. This sets him up to pout when she gives the rose to chronic hipster, One-F-Jef. Emily gets him alone and grills him because he isn't slobbering all over her. Jef is a guy I can't get a read on. With his stupid single-F name he's adopted, his skinny jeans, skateboard, and Frankie Avalon hairdo, the guy strikes me as Mr. Pretentious. Other times he seems pretty cool. Truth is, Emily seems smitten with guy regardless of how I read him. Anyway, the evening drags on and various guys get to make their pitches. Emily finally sits them down and gives Mr. Pretentious the rose.

Time for Some Cannon Fodder

While Emily was chasing the indifferent Jef, the date card arrives back at homebase and much to my surprise, Dweeby Joe gets called out. I laugh at once. Joe was a guy I was shocked to see survive night one. Now he gets called out for a one-on-one in week 2? Ha ha. I can already hear the gulliotine blade sliding down the chute. Joe's sole reason for existence is to go and stand in front of a firing squad. Emily tries to cloud the issue by saying Joe looks like "Matthew McConaughey" and predicts a fun, over the top date. To set the trap, Emily takes Joe for a Learjet ride before she yanks the rug out from under him. They fly to West Virginia, take a ride in an ancient Rolls Royce, but Emily is already hinting at the friend card. They go to Greenbriar mansion, a place for southern aristocracy, proving Emily didn't grow up poor. As night falls, Emily emerges down a staircase like Scarlet O'Hara, takes Joe to dinner and dumps his rump. Completely blindsided, Joe heads out on his own as Harrison lays off camera and hits Emily with a cattle prod to work up a few tears. As Joe gets the ride of shame, they let off fireworks anyway so Emily can stand on the balcony and look forlorn about what might have been.

Cocktail Party

As the party opens, the rest of the players who got left behind get a few minutes to raise Emily's blood pressure. Arie the race car driver gets to describe life in his hometown, and shortly Emily is giggling like a teen. Fugly Tony shows his insecurities about being fugly but before he can make his pitch, Ryan, who already has a rose, steals her and she sits and reads a letter longer than War and Peace from the meathead. Fugly Tony sits there listening while Emily reads the letter from Mr. Arena League, and fugly or not, Tony refuses to back out and shows some stones. This makes Ryan looks like a douche. Tony finally gets his shot and tells her he has a five hear-old son. He may be fugly, but he does well. Kay-Lynn is up next to whine about how Dug took his backhanded insults the right way and now everyone hates him. He gets a few seconds of Emily's time to whine about how tough he's got it, and surprise! the producers send Dug in for the steal. Harrison comes in tinging his glass with his signature cheese knife and here we go.

Roses:

Harrison lines em up and Emily comes in and stumble mumbles through a preamble.
Safe--Arena League Ryan and One-F-Jef

1) Kay-Lynn--Producers drama pick goes first.
2) Arie the Racer--easy peasy. There may be no stopping this guy.
3) Michael and his Greasy Hair--suit filler.
4) Pretty Boy Nate--as mute as 'ol greasy hair, but no worries.
5) Sean--Left behind this week but can coast to Top 5 at least.
6) Bobble Head Chris--Has a mouth like a chick, but she likey.
7) Dug--got pissed at Kay-Lynn--not sure I like him anyway.
8) Ostrich Egg Travis--both mute and invisible this week.
9) Fugly Tony--a tweener.
10) John Wolf--eh, not sure about him yet.
11) and 13) Allesandro/Jandro
12) Charlie Knievel--Crash lands into a flower

Enter Harrison:
Emily, gentlemen, it's the last rose of the evening. Did you see me with Statler? How much does he rock? When you're ready.

14) Stevie the Loser: Ugh!

Dumped: Kyle, the finance dork, and Aaron the teacher; two guys who must feel like major dorks after being whipped by Stevie the ugly street performer.

Next week: uh, I really need to read some spoiler I guess. Looks like Arie gets to style it, and Sean steps forward while it looks like Fugly Tony steps out.

See ya then.

Emily Week 1: Southern Fried Cheese

Welcome back, my friends. After a very short off-season where I barely managed to recover from the disaster that was Ben Flajnik, I'm back to pester Southern Belle, Emily Maynard. After months of gleefully ignoring Emily (cause she told me to), Em went and reversed course and decided to turn herself into a public dartboard of criticism by accepting the lead role as the Bachelorette. Damn, all those months I could have been writing about her and her former fiance, Brad Womack, as they had knock down drag out fights and Brad drunk-dialed her all hours of the day and night to tell her A) what a bitch she is or B) how sorry he was for calling her a bitch, but I respected her wishes and ignored her. Now, she wrong foots me. Don't worry, payback is a bigger bitch than a drunk-dialing former boyfriend, Emily.

As the show opens, we are treated to the requisite montage of Emily and her daughter Ricki kibutzing around the mansion that the Hendricks family bought her and her daughter, and doing all the cute things a single mom and young daughter do, without those annoying two jobs most single mom's have: they make chocolate pancakes, swing down at the local park, and we see Emily tuck Ricki in at 7:30 and go and sit miserable and alone on the couch furrowing her brow at the certain fate of approaching spinsterhood. Naturally the spectre of Brad Womack shows up to remind the viewers what a hairy-faced, lying, committment-phobe he is. We see Brad tell her she is his "forever", which must be Texas-speak for "three months." Emily lays Brad the Cad on us and reminds us once again that her former-fiance had the good graces to knock her up before passing away. Miserable and alone, Emily steals a few producer-children and carpools them around Charlotte with Ricki before moping back to her mansion to be all alone. Fortunately for her, Chris Harrison is still around.

The Wingman pops out the front of the mans-- whoa! I better get on and read some message boards. Harrison has abandoned his assigned post at the Bachelor Mansion and tells us that he's in Charlotte, North Carolina. I peer past him at the poorly-lit digs and sure enough, it looks like Producer/sleazebucket Fleiss has rented a house from Gomez Addams. I finally look back at Harrison to see him dressed in his Meet and Greet uniform blathering on about Emily's broken heart and how all her relationships end in plane crashes and 3 AM drunken phone calls. Before I can call the wench queen for a refill, Harrison cues up a preview of the men. The first douche hops out of a helicopter and brags "I'm a young, fun, good looking guy with a few dollars in my pocket…I can wine, I can dine; I'm the modern southern gentleman." Really? Modern Southern Gentleman is now defined as a self-centered, effeminate fuckwit? How come I never get these memos? Several more flash before my eyes, but I'll skewer them later. Besides, it's time for Emily to tell us just how nervous she is.

Harrison greets her outside the Addams mansion and leads her inside. Emily gushes about nerves for filling the role she swore she didn't want. The wingman tries to shoehorn in some sob story about her former fiance but thankfully, she shuts him down. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." Thank you. Shame the producers don't feel the same way. Harrison shifts gears and tells some lies about how they changed the venue to Charlotte instead of L.A. so Ricki wouldn't be put out. Really? According to what I just read on a board, you were in Charlotte for 3 episodes, then it's off to see the world with Ricki in tow apparently. Why not just move the girl to L.A. with her mom and skip the lowlight palace? Nevermind. Why do I even bother to ask. Emily insists she wants a hoard of kids and off we go.

After a commercial, Harrison walks Emily out front and presto! she has a magically altered, and much better hairdo. (Lovely editing, Fleiss.) And here they come:

1) Sean: 28 year-old insurance agent that simply introduced himself. The wench assures me he's cute. Good start.

2) David: Dorky musician with a fruity 5 o'clock shadow. He was seen in the previews assaulting a piano and screeching out Emily's name. Not feeling this guy, despite the excellent hair.

3) Doug--Dug! Whips out his 11 year-old son instantly and overplays his hand to death. Later, he pulls out a letter he strong armed his kid into writing to Emily. The kid wins the First Impression Rose. Dug? Not sure.

4) Jackson--hip name, pink shirt and cheeseball supreme. Drops to a knee and yammers something about having his breath taken away. Supposedly a "Fitness model". Looked like a Romulan to me. Waited until after he got dumped to strip down and show off his torso. Looked like a Stretch Armstrong doll. Don't worry, he was soon free to go home and continue the love affair with himself.

5) Joe, a Field Energy Supervisor who led with a preamble of "Emilyyyyy! Whatscha say?!" and acted like he skipped the booze and hammered the Moutain Dew instead. Danced around like a hyperactive toddler and practically defined the term "Nerd."

6) Arie: This one caused a spike in the wench's blood pressure and Emily's too, from what I saw. Tall, blue-eyed race car driver from the Netherlands. I googled around and saw he was the son of Arie Luyendyk--a guy I saw win the Indy 500. Might be a player.

7) Kyle: Finance dork shopping about a mile out of his league.

8) Chris--Bobble-Head Chris: Odd-looking dude who pulled out bobble head dolls of himself and Emily and hammed it up. She appeared to like him though. We'll see.

9) Aaron: High school biology teacher who's "here to strike out with you", or something like that.

10) Alessandro: A "grain merchant." What, is he a bread salesman? Turns out he's from Brazil. Funny though, I though he looked more like an Alabama redneck. Not feeling it.

11) Jef--One-F-Jef: Nice hair, dude. Weirdest doo of the night. Some kind of Buster Poindexter bouffant and comes in riding a skateboard. I was feeling Jesse "The Stoned Snowboarder" vibes from this guy until I re-watched the previews. Turns out he is CEO of a bottled water company who provides water around the world to those who can't get clean h2o. Seriously, if this guy is legit, he's addressing one of the most important issues in the developing world. Many folks don't know this but the leading cause of the death in the developing world--especially for children--isn't some weird Ebola strain, it's a lack of potable drinking water. That simple. This guy might be a fraud or a douche, but that's a valuable service. I'm still not gonna' give him a break on that hair though. Or the stupid name. Emily seemed intrigued by him though. Might be a sleeper.

12) Lerone--Holy crap! It's a black dude! Boy 'ol Fleiss really knows how to give the middle finger to the PC crowd, doesn't he? He skips having a black guy for the San Francisco career girl and the Maine dentist, and then sics one on the Confederate Princess? Shame too. Good looking, normal-acting, real estate dude. I'm sure Emily is catching hell over dumping him, but I'll cut her some slack. Although interracial relationships are as common as rain in Seattle these days, some people are just not attracted to folks outside their own race. We like what we like. Still a shame though. Compared to a few of the turds she kept, this guy wasn't black, he was solid gold. But I knew when I first saw him that I'd be able to time this guy's tenure on this show with an egg timer.

13) Stevie: Ugh! Arrives with a boom box and dances around like a Tool. Wears a horrible green shirt with his suit and tells Emily he's "an dancer, an MC, an entertainer." Sounds like a guy who cages quarters in the subway to me. Kinda ugly too.

14) Charlie: stout, muscle-bound dude who was highlighted in the previews for preferring falling off collapsing decks to having plane crashes. Bragged he had a traumatic brain injury, which explains why he's on this show.

15) Tony: Lumber trader. How's that job sound? "I'll trade ya 3 2x4's for 6 2x6's." Leads with a plastic slipper on a pillow. Hey Emily, did you know Prince Charming was so fugly? Got a rose anyway. Hey Lerone, what do you think about that?

16) Randy--Jonathan Winters. Just to make sure I'd have nightmares, he shows up dressed like Maude Frickert too. Emily looked like she wanted to slam her plastic slipper into his fanny.

17) Nate: Pretty boy Nate. Uh, Emily thinks he smells good. Time for some rogaine, pretty boy.

18) Brent: Well hello Grandpa! 41? Seriously? This guy is only a few years younger than your old captain, and I'll tell you that I would win a Who's Younger contest with this guy. Later he tells her that he has 6 kids. Yeah, and how many grandkids? Randy looked younger in his Maude Frickert outfit. Weirdest casting ever.

19) John: "Wolf" Uhhhh, no. I hear his last name is Wolfson or whatever, but don't lead with that, stupid. He's a "Data Destruction Specialist". Big deal. So's my wife. I have to buy her a new computer every six months. They pay you for that? I'll have her give "Wolf" a call.

20) Travis. Arrives with an ostrich egg. Yeah, I just write 'em, I don't make 'em up. She made him wait for the rose until last.

21) Michael: Curtains of long, greasy hair. Wasn't shown saying a word. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Suit Filler. Go stand in the corner with grandpa and the black dude.

22) Jean-Paul: Qui Qui! Marine biologist who told Emily he didn't know anything about her. Whoosh! Out the door he goes.

23) Alejando--Mushroom Farmer. No shit; I kid you not. Colombian farmer who snazzy dresses and has diamond earrings. You sure you're farming mushrooms?

24) Ryan: Bed-headed Ken doll who declares he was a "professional football player." Really, what team? Oh, Arena League. I googled it. Let's not oversell there pal. Professional Football players make more money than New York garbage men. Emily seemed to like him though. Had a good intro where he reads a note that charms her. But it always amazes me that men spend 45 minutes on their hair to make it look like they've never touched it a minute in their lives. Weird.

25) Kalon: How I hoped this guys name rhymed with Talon. I was going to call him Kalgon, as in Kalgon, take yourself anyway! No such luck. It's the douche from the intro and he pronounces it Kay-Lynn. He comes in on his homocopter and is listed as a  "Luxury Brand Consultant." I think that translates into "asshole." The best the other goofs can do is call him, "helicopter guy." Work on it, boys. Looks like you'll get your chance too; the producers won't let this guy go easy.

Once the party starts, not much happens as they race thru the evening. Very little of the usual drama; Stevie the loser takes a dislike to Kay-Lynn the Asshole but that's about it. Harrison finally remerges and brings the First Impression Rose in. Emily takes her time and drifts around before awarding it to Dug's son. Fast as a cat, Harrison drops the bottle of Cuervo and rounds them up for roses.

Roses:
First Impression Rose: Dug's son.
1) Bobble Head Chris
2) Ryan-Rhino, Arena League Hero.
3) Kay-Lynn-Boo!
4) Arie--Uh, yeah.
5) Charlie
6) One-F-Jef
7) Pretty Boy Nate
8) Sean-Yep
9) Joe-Score one for hyperactive dweebs
10) Kyle--Fill that suit!
11) Aaron
12) Alejandro--farmer of (ahem) something in Colombia
13) John Wolf--Expect my call
14) Alessandro--"Will you accept this rose?" "Yee haw! I mean, si!"
15) Michael
16) Stevie--ha ha! Take that Lerone.
17) Tony-no seriously, Lerone, take that!
Enter wingman
"Emily, gentlemen, its the final rose tonight. Since I'm single now, I'll be over here with my Android sexting with some hot chicks. When you're ready."
18) Ostich egg Travis.

Dumped:
Jonathan Winters. Grandpa. Jackson the male bimbo. Lerone the token. Jean Paul the Marine Biologist.

3/12: The Merciful End

The end at last. Thank god. I never thought it would get here. Those two speeding locomotives we all knew were coming finally crashed headlong last night, with predictable results. But I don't care. It just means I can limp into the off season and await Emily Maynard's turn as the Bachelorette premiering May 14th. That's not much of an off season to rest up after this marathon of disaster, but I'll take what I can get. I got the extreme pleasure of removing Ben from my masthead today, and that felt good--really good! Thanks again to DeeDreamer for supplying the artwork. Ok, we all know by now (or should) that nobody gives a rats ass about the first one hour and forty-five minutes of these finales--especially when disaster awaits instead of a love story. In keeping with pragmatic reason, the first part of this recap will be brief and in keeping with the seriousness of this seasons participants. Hang on, it's gonna' be quick.

Zermatt Switzerland

Both woman love Ben…blah, blah, blah. He loves both women…blah, blah, blah. Mom and sis are on hand to pass judgement on both girls and give Ben some much needed advice…blah, blah, blah. Lindzi goes first, and is nervous, but sis Julia, who has the biggest balls in the Flajnik household, likes her…blah, blah, blah. Magically, both mom and sis know what a colossal bitch Courtney is…blah, blah, blah. Courtney shows up and magically charms both Flajnik women and before she can get out the door sis is proclaiming Courtney "The One." Convenient. Ben, now fully licensed to pick the one he has wanted from the first night takes Lindzi skiing…blah, blah, blah. They ski, do a few commercials for Matterhorn Travel, inc. and make out. Last Chance: Lindzi finally succumbs to producer-pressure and strokes Ben's ego by telling him that she loves him. He deep tongues her. Courtney's date is next and they go for a helicopter ride to the Matterhorn. Last Chance: she busts his balls for not believeing her lies about how abysmally she treated the other women. He wanders off…blah, blah, blah. Goes ring shopping. Yes, it's time for Neil Lane and his Traveling Engagement Ring and Pizza Delivery Service to make a house call. Ben picks out the giant rock that Courtney ordered up in season previews and we're go.

Helicopters appear and both women dress like they're marrying into the House of Romanov, complete with gorgeous dresses and capes. Maybe Ben is from the House of Romanov. That would explain the Rasputin haircut. Anyway, they copter over to the Matterhorn where he awaits. Naturally, Lindzi emerges first and Ben performs one of his painfully awkward dumps. "I fell in love with you…I've fallen in love with someone else." Lindzi stares at him with a "You've got to be fucking kidding me," look on her face and doesn't speak until he parks her at the helopad for export. "If (when) it doesn't work out, call me."

Courtney arrives in all her Maleficient glory and Ben baits her by acting like he's gonna' dump her. No such luck, "You're my forever…providing forever means: until I take too much shit for picking such a bitch.'" Courtney sorta cries and he slips the ring she ordered onto her finger and they make out as paparazzi with telephoto lenses capture the entire thing and sell it to the tabloids before Christmas.

After the Final Rose (Thank God)

Harrison gleefully announces that Courtney is the "woman America loves to hate!" about five times and then appears mystified as to why people aren't rooting for the new couple. (Must be those nasty taboids?) Yawn. Harrison wastes little time and yanks Ben out onstage. The guy looks like he spent the last week sleeping under a bridge overpass and they found him 30 minutes before filming, put him in a nice suit and rushed him out on stage. Ben confirms that they have already broken up because of all the "negativity" but have some arrangement of some sort…at the moment. Harrison dispatches him back to his soundproof booth and brings Courtney out next. Her botox lip deflated since filming, Courtney comes out in a white dress I couldn't get around my leg and looks absolutely STUNNING! The crowd boos her and she gets to play the victim of abandonment because Ben cut her lose the second things got tough. I was left with a big question: Ben, is there anything else you'd like to try and do to make people think you're a bigger douchebag than they already do? Maybe release a few photos of yourself clubbing baby seals? How about goosestepping into a synagogue dressed in a Nazi uniform? You chose a woman who you KNEW was a bitch and then dumped her when people criticized you for picking a bitch? I think my title from week 2 stands: "Ben Loses His Balls!" and apparently still hasn't found them yet. Will you please ask your sister for a few pounds of hers. She can spare them, trust me.

Harrison now bids Courtney to rejoin them. They sit next to each other and Ben's body language looks like if he leans far enough away from her, he won't catch the Unpopularity Virus she is a carrier of. Fat chance, bud. Maybe she should lean away from you. Anyway, Harrison seeks clarity and under pressure, Ben insists they are still engaged. The Wingman produces the engagement ring and Ben slips is unenthusiastically back on Courtney's finger. The producers don't even bother giving them a trip anywhere--there's no point. These two are leaking oil worse than a '72 Ford Pinto. Step right up and place your bets, folks. What's the over/under on three months? 

Pirate conclusion: One ball-less wonder and one four-star bitch. Two douchetards who richly deserve one another. Season Over!

Oh yeah, J.P. and his skinhead and Ashley Sherbert Hebert were trundled out to show that not every season is an unmitigated disaster like this one has been. J.P. tries to start some Ashley pregnancy rumors and they insist they'll be married within a year. Them, I believe.

Word circles the net that Emily Maynard is mere days away from finding some temporary douchebag of her very own to keep for a few months before she dumps him and heads back to her Hendricks Sugar Palace.

Your Captain will be there. Argh!

3/5--The Women Audition for Bachelor Pad 3

Why don't they just move to a Jello wrestling competition? It'd be a lot more entertaining. As this dud of a season comes to a close, it's a statement about how lousy its been when what the Bachelor faithful can most look forward to is a sense of vengeance being reaped on a bitch at the normally ignorable Women Tell All episode and the final, head-on meeting of those two speeding locomotives I described two weeks ago at next week's After the Final Rose. Last nights sleazy blood letting set a new low in sadistic pleasure as the producers of this mess brought one of the final two out for the first time in show history so she could be damned, shamed, and harangued like an adulteress in old Salem. The only thing missing was Emperor Harrison, riding heard over the proceedings and signaling thumbs up or down for her fate or pinning a giant scarlet "B" (for bitch!) to her dress. Nero, where are you when we need you?

The Gaggle of Mean Geese Gather

It's been a cruddy season. So much so that the faithful of Bachelor Nation gathered in big numbers to watch Queen Courtney get ripped to shreds by her nearly-as-mean former housemates. But before we get to those delicious bread and circuses, Harrison comes stumbling out on stage looking sick from both cold meds and the worst looking tie I've ever seen the guy wear. Some black and silver thing that looked like the peeled-off label from a bottle of Dos Equus. He hams his way around the crowd, gleefully letting them that know that Courtney's bloodied corpse will soon be on stage with him. Then he introduces the executioners. Chiefs among the gaggle of meanies were Stool Pigeon Emily, Sweetie Pie Kacie B, and Nicki the Narrator; with heavy facetime going to the houses other resident bitch, Boom-Boom Blakely. Emily led the group of formerly serious Ben-contenders and Blakely led the group of serious Bachelor Pad 3 contenders. While the serious ones catalogued their "journey" in and out of Ben's life, Boom-Boom and her also rans fought, bitched, carped, and provided the blood for the arena. Chief among the catty was Samantha the Pageant Queen (remember her?); she yapped and snarfed way more than her importance on the show dictated. She bitched so much than fellow also ran, Granny Panty Brittney, finally compared her to a chihuihua and told her to shut up. America applauded but when the Granny Pantied One added in that she left because she had "zero attraction" to Stormhorse Flajnik, the country stood as one and screamed like she had just won the Super Bowl.The rest of the also rans and dress fillers joined in and spoke more than we heard them all season. All were uniformly nasty; sans Jenna the Insane Blogger, who outside of offering up a hug to Courtney and tampon to Bi-Monica, sat twitching like she was about to fly apart at the seams. (Tick Tick) Well there's one Bachelor Pad 3 slot we can assume is filled.

While the Wingman sorta tried to keep order, he also hauled on stage Shawntel Munster Newton to receive a wave of apologies from the Meanies for the abominable treatment she receievd from the when she tried to crash the party and take up with Ben. Emily, clearly allowed to lead with her brains and manners, wished Shawntel well and hoped she sold a pile of books about dead people or something. The proprieties observed, it was time for Harrison to fill the lukewarm seat and get moving for real.

One by one the semi-serious were brought onstage to fill the coveted center-of-attention seat by Harrison and explain their stories to the country. The Stool Pigeon went first and got all educated-sounding and wise while still keeping me interested by wearing a dress that barely held her undersized juggs captive. She hit the major point about the season's most controversial moment: when Ben got naked and banged Courtney in the ocean. She made it clear that her anger wasn't about skinny dipping, but about the fact that Ben decided to do this when he still had ten women back at the house he was dating. She also corectly slammed him for his "Tread lightly" comment, which produced gasps of semi-disbelief from the well-trained audience. Her popularity riding high, Emily surrendered the seat to both Kacie and Nicki, the latter still looking slighlty Ben-besotted and the former looking friggin' hot as usual. But we can skip that, it's time for BLOOD!

Blood Sport

Harrison, smiling like a sadist about to shoot some tethered sheep, called Queen Courtney out onstage. Courtney ambles out while the audience responds to the "applause" sign and the other women hit her with about 15 pairs of iced daggers known as glares. She sits with Harrison and lets the world know she is there to apologize. He fires the starter pistol and the women jump her like rabid pitbulls. One after another fires away at her for the individual insults she lashed almost all of them with all season. Courtney just cringes as it goes on and on. What a shame this was. If Harrison had just handed her a giant glass of merlot, the fireworks would have gone nuclear.

(Blakely): "Why did you call me a stripper and the type of woman who cheats with your boyfriend for?"
Because you look like a pole-dancing skank!
(Emily): "Why wouldn't you accept my apology?"
Because you're a double-barreled bitch and I hate your guts!
(Elyse): "Why would say that after spending all day with me that Ben's eyes probably hurt?"
Have you looked in a mirror recently?
(Nicki)" "Why do the tabloids say you nicknamed me 'fatty'?"
Because your thighs are so pudgy only Colonel Sanders could love you!

But alas, he doesn't. Courtney is sober and in full-contrition mode. Did she mean it? That's an eye-of-the-beholder question. I think it's a laughable one, but others will feel different. Courtney was upset she's caught so much hell for her behavior, but sincere? Ha. Ha. Uh no. Harrison feeling the audiences blood lust somewhat sated, calls a halt to the massacre. Courtney walks out and into a waiting limo.

Our Hero

With his fiance dispatched, Harrison brings Ben out onstage. Man this guy looked as comfortable as a bastard at a Father's Day cookout. He barely glanced over his shoulder at all the women he dumped and disrespected and they scarcely clapped for him at all. The questions start and he provides canned answers. The women, led by the three contenders, look sadly at him. All except the former mute Nurse Jamie, who tells him when he and Courtney break up, that she doesn't mind a boyfriend who bangs other women on national TV, so go on and give her a call. Ben smirks cockily and basically says, "Yeah, we'll do lunch." Nice try, Jamie. Nicki gets her last chance to show how deep in the Ben-Bubble she still is by telling him what a great man he is. Then she spends the balance of the evening holding hands with Kacie and as they watch video of all his antics with the air of two women watching a funeral procession.

Bloopers:

In a sad and telling indictment to the suckatude of this season, even the bloopers sucked. Mostly just Ben hamming it up and acting like a teenager. Yawn.

Folks, it's been that kind of season. Now I find Emily Maynard about as interesting as the stapler on my desk, but I'm ready for it anyway. How many more of these do we have?

Next week: Ben Finishes What he Started Night 1.

See ya.

2/27--A Very StormHorse Fantasy

Credit to some gal friend of William "The Wise" Holman on Twitter who
created this artistic masterpiece.

Hey, hold on! Is this the Bachelor or the Bachelorette? Emily Maynard is getting co-billing with Ben Flajnik? Hey Ben, I think this is Fleiss' way of letting you know what an incredible dud you are. Before Ben could start foreshadowing the fact that he's soon to pick one of the most unpleasant people in this show's history as his fiancée, I get a long dose of Emily Maynard. Hey Fleiss, why not just have Harrison run around behind Ben waving a sign that says, "Don't leave! Don't leave! This loser will be through shortly, and look who's next!". Very subtle. Once they're done promoting Emily, we see Ben is still here and he is riven with fear he will pick the wrong person and blow it. Foreshadowing over, it's time for the stupid plane graphic, cause Ben is off to Switzerland to humiliate himself. As the little plane crosses that big bunch of water sometimes called an ocean, Ben tries to convince us (and himself) that he's interested in someone other than the Queen of Poison, Courtney. Speaking of Courtney, we get to see them skinny dip again and her highlights of awfulness reel plays just in case someone missed it the first time. He blathers on trying to plant seeds of doubt, and does Harrison's job for him. C'mon; land the damn plane graphic and lets get going!

Nicki

Ben greets Nicki in a field and they give it a tepid hug and kiss. In comes the 101st Airborne right on cue, and they head off for the mountains. Yoddle-ley-he-who! Time for a metaphor: " I feel my relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights (Mountain shot), but at the same time it's grounded…" He finally shuts up and skips the last metaphor as the chopper pilot puts it into a vertical dive. "…but it's about to hit the ground!" Ahh, c'mon, Ben, we won't tell her what a miserable liar you are when you sweet talk her into the Jungle Room at whatever suite Harrison has lined up for you. If you're gonna' bang a woman right before you dump her, you know you're gonna' look like a douche anyway--might as well have fun with it. Regardless, they land on a mountain top and review her hometown date and talk about her hitting him with the "L" word. She should have saved her breath. She yammers on like a Chatty Cathy Doll while Ben falls into Robot Mode--blink-nod-blink-nod-"That's good." He's enamored all right. They chopper away and then land on a phallic-shaped mountaintop so we can drink in the sight of the immense, stone-shaped penis that Ben doesn't have in his pants. "That spark I was looking for, I found it. I hope she accepts an overnight because…I really want to bang her one time for the road." No, he didn't say that; he just meant it.

As darkness falls, we see that the chopper didn't strand them on the huge stone pecker and they've made their way back to a log cabin chalet with dinner and a fireplace. They discuss how many kids they're not going to have together and Nicki pretty much tells him she's ready to move to California and set up house at his vineyard. Ben then gets a moment to furrow his caveman brows and say something really stupid. "I'm nervous to give her the card tonight; I hope she's ready for it." Ready? Dude, she sounds ready to pack herself in your suitcase. I think the evening is a "go!" Nervous or not, Ben whips out the 'ol sexcard.

Nicki reads:
"Ben, if you'd like to bury what's left of your reputation and Nicki, if you'd like to make your father cry, why not go to the Fantasy Suite and have a good shag on me?
Harrison"


Nicki quickly accepts and suggest they go get naked immediately. Once they get into the suite, Nicki gushes like she's trying to talk HIM out of his clothes and pretty much earns a gold medal in the Desperation Olympics. They climb into a bubble bath and Stormhorse rings one up. Next!

Lindzi

Ben meets Lindzi for another adrenaline date. He hauls her over a ridge and down into a gorge to go rappelling. They look down a 300 foot ledge and Lindzi looks ready to go back to the States. As scared as she looks, Ben looks terrified. Of course they don't actually rappel; they are simply lowered on some wires. Ben craps his pants and launches an "L" bomb. Hey Nicki, need to work on your sex game, it sounds like. They vanish from the gorge and are instantly in a hot tub. They make out and he drops another "L" bomb, just in case Nicki missed the first one and very quickly--the day date is over.

Back at the freebie resort, Lindzi keeps dropping "L" bombs to anyone but Ben, and gushes in a P.I. as they sit down to dinner. Ben, looking wickedly nerdish in a bow tie, pumps her to get her to say it to his face. They hammer on about how "vulnerable" she has become since it's a big word to her. She finally gives in and tells him she is falling in love with him and wants a proposal. Ben smiles, but backtracks, "I'm starting to fall in love with this woman." Hold on. You were "in-love" with her a few minutes ago. What happened? Regardless, here comes the sex card. Lindzi croaks in her frog-voice:

"Ben and Lindzi,
Care to have a go?
Harrison."


Lindzi immediately throws down some caveats about not jumping in the sack so quickly, buuuuuuuuuuuuttttt…"I'd love to." Cha-Ching! As opposed to just being horny--like with Nicki--Ben tells us he's "honored" Lindzi is going to spend the night with him. They get a modern suite to go roll around in and after a few minutes of making out on the couch, its straight to the bed. Stormhorse "L" bombs about Lindzi and says he sees himself "spending the rest of the night my life with this woman."

Courtney

"Today is all about Courtney." You mean like the rest of the season? Ben can't wait to sow doubts to give any viewer a few straws to grasp praying he doesn't pick her. He warbles on about how she has treated the other women, blah, blah. They go for a choo-choo ride and Courtney mumbles out a great line I'm certain a producer fed her, "I feel like we're in a painting." Is that from Desperate Housewives or the Joy Luck Club? Sorry, she has me wondering where she steals her best lines from. Anyway, Ben, looking glassy-eyed and besotted, gushes about the fact that Courtney wants to learn new things. You mean Nicki and Lindzi don't? Nevermind. They wander around a village and shop for food and trinkets. Ben becomes animated and dances around in disbelief he's going to nail the hot chick while Courtney apologizes to no one in particular for acting like Ursula the Sea Witch the entire season. They sit on a blanket and have a picnic in a field full of cow shit and Ben finally gets nettled with her for all the godawful behavior we've had to sit through the whole season. But in true Stormhorse fashion, he doesn't hammer her for the way she made the others feel, he huffs about her making it hard on HIM. Huh? You pussy! Courtney does a P.I.and desperately tries to dredge up some tears (and fails). Suddenly she's all pitiful and mindlessly in love with Mr. Dweeb.

They head into a wine cellar and Courtney keeps selling her contrition. Ben pours her a huge glass of merlot and she apologizes about treating the women so badly and she confesses to having her guard up. Your guard up? You were wrestling with his wiener 4 shows ago? Sounds like you need to hire a new guard. Ben soon displaces Nicki and takes the Desperation Gold Medal for himself and assures Courtney she is a peach, and she goes on about being immature and proves she took the hint from the producers that they were going to highlight every single bitchy thing she said and did. The redemption edit in progress, America yawns collectively. Ben exhales with relief and toasts her before he yanks out the sexcard.
 Courtney reads:
"Courtney…yeah, and Ben too,
Welcome to the amazing city of Intercourse. Switzerland. Speaking of intercourse, mind if we keep the cameras in the suite?
Wingman."


Ben begs and she quickly relents without teasing him. They go to a rustic cabin and make out. Courtney keeps up the redemption move and keeps gushing about Ben. I kept waiting her to gouge him, "I'm losing the spark, babe." But no. They climb into a steaming hot tube and Stormhorse scores the trifecta.

Emily Interlude

Time to remind the viewers not to run off into the blue retching over Ben and Courtney. It's time for an unprecedented pimp job featuring Emily Maynard, who will be filming the Bachelorette this March and viewers will see it in June. Little early isn't it? I think Fleiss just stole Ben's Gold Medal of Desperation from him. Nicki, you get the bronze, honey. Emily smiles at the camera and lets us know that she is waaaaayyy over Brad now. "My life has gotten back to normal." Suck on that, Womack. We quickly get a few nauseating shots of Emily wrestling her daughter--the dreaded Ricky-Tick--around and telling us the little gal is her whole world. Shift to L.A. and a hugggggeeeee stretch limo befitting someone of Emily's star status as she heads for a meeting with Ali Fedo-whatshername and Ashley Hebert. The two former ettes meet the future ette on an L.A. street corner. They try on a bunch of clothes and Emily looks way hotter than the other two. Now dressed in skin tight dresses, the triumvirate launches the theme for Emily's season and heads to a 3-D screening of Titanic. Suddenly Leo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet are on my screen making all Harlequin. They women depart their 10-minute version of a three hour movie and drink champagne on the street corner. Uh…"Date" over.

Back to Ben. Ugh

We head back to Intercourse, Switzerland where Ben is wistfully gazing out onto some stone phallic symbols and contemplating all the tail he just scored and tells us Courtney has laid all his concerns to rest. And up walks last weeks dumpee, Sweetie Pie Kacie. She nervously knocks on his hotel room door as back in Clarksville, Tennessee, Kacie's conservative father has a coronary watching his daughter going hot-knocking on the hotel door of a guy who has just laid three women in one week. Ben greets her with a "Holy shit! and gives her an awkward hug. She is back seeking clarity and was clearly blindsided by being dumped. Ben tells her they were world's apart and sounds reasonable and caring. She finally accepts his answers and then winds up and warns him off Courtney…again. Ben goes glacial. He walks her out and she apologizes for being the bearer of bad news and she walks away as he closes the door. Lacking a balcony to collapse over, Kacie settles for a Full Fedo-whatshername and collapses onto the hotel hallway floor looking like she'd just been gored with a whaling harpoon. She finally gets up and walks off before hotel security comes and gets her and tells the cameras she got answers and if he gets engaged to Courtney, she will break his heart. Ben sits in his room thumping his knuckles on the coffee table wondering how someone who is so good in the sack could be so bad for him.

When we return to the gimme hotel, Ben is wandering around doubting all over Courtney and wondering if he's being played. Harrison finally bestirs himself to get the low down. Ben fills him in and  says he's confused now. Harrison tries to get him to let Kacie reenter, but Ben declines and they go into recap mode. He gushes about all the women and defends his choices, especially Courtney. Ben decides to "decompress" by staring at pictures of the women and gazing out at the big stone phallic symbols. When we return he's gazing at the women photos again and keeps on blathering about Courtney's motives and baits the crowd that he's about to wake up. Harrison leads the women in and states the obvious. Ben then comes in and hammers them with a string of long winded BS.

Roses:
1) Lindzi the Misspelled. Looked very pretty.

Harrison doesn't even bother to count to one.

2) Queen Courtney--Never a doubt.

Now, Harrison shows up to toss her out.

Dumped: Nicki the Narrator. One solo date and no group roses: never had a chance. She came in dressed like a Roman Plebeian and walks out looking classy. Ben, hoping to avoid anymore sudden returns, sits her down and mumbles some non-closure for her. She gives the producers some tears, but never goes nuts.

Next Week: The Women Try and Kill One Another and Earn a Spot on Bachelor Pad 3.

See ya then.

2/20-Dodging a Howitzer Shell

Time to stop jet setting around the world on ABC's dime and it's time to visit the hometowns of the women foolish enough to bring Ben Flajnik home to meet their unhappy families. Hometown week on this season of the Bachelor turned out to be a low-key affair. We certainly can't accuse Stormhorse of keeping four of the same type of women this year. Things were different everywhere this season save one thing: Ben Flajnik was a disengaged robot not matter whose home he was at. I thought the families were going to keel over with boredom meeting this guy. Even compared to Brad Womack--a guy who could make a flag pole look animated-- cut off from the booze and the room to smooch the women to death, Ben looked disinterested, disengaged, and thoroughly bored with the whole mess. Strangely enough, so was I. But let's muddle through shall we?

Horse, Meet Stormhorse

We start off with Lindzi the Misspelled, hanging around a horse track in Ocala, Florida, where her parents live. Lindzi kicks it off by reading off a cue card about how "awesome" her dates with Ben have been. Yeah, sure. She is playing around with a stocky cart horse and fills us in about what a disaster her love life has been. Ben, who looks like now that he's finished with Stormhorsing his way through the Caribbean has decided to cut that chia pet on the top of his head with tin snips, reads his own cue card, "There are moments when we're together, when I could very well see myself falling in love with her." Left out is the part where he adds, "Then I wake up." Anyway, she greets him on her cart horse and they go for a cart ride. Once they stop in the grass, they climb off and have a picnic. It's here we get to see just how little Ben knows about her. She recounts her big trip to Dumpsville with her last boyfriend and tells him they even shacked up before he dumped her. Ben starts, "You did? Wow!" Yep, eight weeks and two dates, and he doesn't even know she had a live in. Hey Ben, how about kissing a little less and talking a little more, ok? Lindzi fills him in and Ben quickly falls into Robot Mode: Blink-nod-blink-nod-"Oh, you did? Glad you're being open and vulnerable." Lindzi assures him, "Vulnerable is a big word for me." Really? Like how "Plagiarism" is a big word for Courtney? More on that later. Finally Lindzi gets up and takes him to see her parents before Ben falls asleep and the Florida humidity turns Ben's hair into a frizz bush.

They amble the horse up where Lindzi's parents await them with their own Jack Russell Terriers. Margie and John Cox ("She calls me Harry"--I bet she does) greet the happy couple with Chardonay and it's apparent just how much this meant to the parents. They even went and hired Christine Baranski to portray Margie Cox for the day. Anyway, the kids recount their adventures and Harry pops in to inform his clueless daughter that he married Christine Baranski in the very same San Francisco City Hall that Ben has the key to in his pocket. Amazing. Pops then hits them with a producer-inspired stunt and the youngers and elders engage in a cart horse race. Supposedly the old farts whip the youngsters despite the fact that Lindzi is reputed to be a world class horse jockey, and the youngsters looked fifty feet ahead the whole time. This is all so the "losers" can haul the winners back to the house. They sit down for a talk and Lindzi informs Christine Baranski that she thinks "she's falling in love." Truthfully, the parents were cool and Lindzi is nice but comes off as very inexperienced in relationships, which explains why she likes Ben. Ben then sits mumsy down and finds out they kept Lindzi away from boys, so he asks if Lindzi is ready to be engaged after her trip to Dumpsville. Mom gives a fair answer but mostly takes a dig at her daughter, "He was no good for her, but as a mom, you don't know anything--despite being married for forty years." Simmer down Christine! This isn't about you for once. Anyway, Ben sits down with dad and warns him he's not ready for proposals. Dad sits there drinking from a Mason jar wine glass like Buck Owens and agrees neither of them is ready. They all eat smores and Ben gets wistful, "I could see myself asking Harry Cox for advice". Dude, you're already doing that and he's not helping you out much. Anyway, they have a good time and Ben acts nearly lifelike. He then gushes about Lindzi, "She's humble; she's grounded--and I like that." Really? Then stop asking Harry Cox for advice, bud; cause humble isn't what you're about to get. Date over.

The Last Train to Clarksville. Also Known as: The Parental Wrecking Ball.

If ever there was proof of Ben's lack of foresight, this was it. Next up, we travel to Clarksville, Tenn; the home of 24 year-old Kacie Boguskie, who is going to act, and be treated like a High School senior by her parents. At 24, Kacie is the youngest remaining member of Ben's harem and to prove it she greets him at her old high school football field leading a marching band and twirling her baton. Frankly, I wanted to call a cop. You're a little old for her, aren't you Ben? Kacie, despite her undeniable heart of gold and terrific looks, was finally exposed for being ten miles out of her element on this show. Once she marches up, she attacks Ben like HE is the chia pet she had in her room all through school. Ben actually looked embarrassed. What follows was proof of Ben's idiocy: she hauls him up into the bleachers of Boguskie Stadium and tells him about her family, especially her dad. Ben's eyes bug out when she informs him she's from the local political gentry-southern mafia--and her dad is a tee-totaling, shoot-from-the-hip Federal Regulator. Ben drops a brick in his pants and mimes swallowing an orange--whole. "Her dad doesn't drink and I'm a booze salesman; not sure how this is going to go." I am.

She pulls him away to meet the folks like a fan at a Menudo concert. Ben starts eyeing the exits before they even clear the stadium that's named after her southern mafia grandaddy. Mom Martha, Sister Allison, and Dun-dun-dun! Daddy, greet Ben. Being southern folk, they treat him hospitably, but with that cold frostiness we southerners are justly famous for when greeting someone we don't like. They sit down to dinner and Ben sticks his foot in it right away, "How's it been having this one away for so long?" Mom, who looks about 5 years older than her daughter lets Ben know they are a CLOSE family. Dad just stares and grunts threateningly. Ben tries to BS them about how this show makes you deal with your feelings. Kacie joins in and tries to explain to her iceberg parents that this helped her take the time to think about feelings. Dad grunts again but manages to smile politely, but in obvious disbelief, "That's good." Kacie then takes aside her younger sister, Allison to whine and complain that mommy and daddy won't let go to the prom with the skeezy dude…or get engaged either. Allison, who has to live with these people still, shuts her trap, smiles, and lets Kacie prattle on. Kacie talks about taking risks as opposed to getting married to a local boy from church and having a family in Clarksville, which is apparently what she's been basically told is going to happen. Despite the fact that her folks obviously love her, and have brains enough to know this show is about as real as P.T. Barnum, I was saddened to watch a 24 year-old go through what looked like teenaged rebellion.

Dad finally sits Ben down and Ben starts to look like a guy who should have gotten to know this gal a little better. Dad, looking every inch the heavily armed Federal Agent/Church Deacon, goes right to it: "What did you see in Kacie to make you take her this far?"
Ben starts rumblin', bumblin', and stumblin'. "Uh, the way she communicates. I noticed a special quality in her. I like her."
Dad grunts.
Ben starts to piss his pants. "Are…are you ok with this forum?"
"Well, don't rush."
That one Ben can handle. "I'm not!"
Pops lets Ben know that he couldn't disapprove of him or this show any more if he had stepped in both of them while walking his dog. "If Kacie is not the one, dump her quick!"
Ben eyes the exits again. Next up, Mom Martha, just to be certain that Ben got the message, throws a wrecking ball into the already smoldering wreck. "I've seen the show, and I see them..well, they move in together--and I have a serious problem with that."
Touche, Mom! Wow, how many messages did she hide in those few sentences? Allow me to translate: You're not allowed to shack up with my 24 year-old daughter and since I've watched the show--forget about the Fantasy Suite Stormhorse! 
Yikes! Ben now swallows a grapefruit. "I…..uh, uh, have traditional values." Like shtupping models on Puerto Rican beaches, Ben? Oh man, for once I should let the guy off easy--he's clearly suffered enough here. But this is the price you pay for kissing when you should be talking. Dummy.

Kacie now has a sit down with pops, but the die is already cast. Pops now shows the country common sense and basically rules out a quick engagement. Kacie tries to talk him around, "Dad, I've fallen in love with him."
Pops glares at her, Like hell you have. Oh man, this was painful. Pops pretty much communicates to her that the reverends son, who has always liked her, will be coming by later to start courtin'. Dad lets her know that he will refuse any any request for her hand. The guy is honest--hell, they all were, and there can be no doubt that they were right, like parents usually are, but a 24 year-old college graduate shouldn't need to lie about wanting to live with a guy to her parents. That's my take anyway, even as a southern boy. Kacie walks him out and senses her parents have destroyed this for her. Did they? No, this guy was never gonna pick her, but the parents made sure that didn't happen, just in case. Date over.

Narrating Texas

As this episode went on, its become apparent why a girl who got 1, one-on-one date and ZERO group date roses narrated this season: because if they didn't use her P.I.'s to narrate everything, we wouldn't have a clue who this girl who made the final 3 was. Never have I seen a bigger also-ran go this far in any Bachelor competition. Nicki greets Ben in Texas and shows off the fact that when it comes to bod, looks, etc, she is not in any of the other three girls' league. Don't get me wrong--she's my favorite of the remaining women, but I have to be honest here. Anyway, Nicki takes Ben to a cowboy shop and they dress like Texas yokels instead of like the last time, when they dressed like Puerto Rican yokels. But Nicki looked GREAT in her cowgirl jeans and big belt, big hips notwithstanding. Hell, even Ben looked less weird in the bad assed Clint Eastwood get-up they donned him in. Once done with the Texas stereotypes we meet Nicki's family--a great bunch of folks who care about their daughter as much as Kacie's family did about her, without the controlling behavior. Turns out mom and pops have been divorced for ages, but everyone seemed cool and looked to care about each other. But the star here was pops; Nicki's dad was a caring and decent man who actually bawled a little when talking to Nicki and asked her forgiveness for not protecting her from her ex-husband. This was sweet. Damn shame it was wasted on a guy with no real interest in her. Nicki, I hope you take the free flight to Switzerland and then eliminate yourself before he does. Anyway, Ben gets an "I'm in love you," and a father's blessing he doesn't want, but he cheeses us anyway, "Today, there were moments when I looked over at Nicki and thought, I love this girl." Date over.

Lady Vader in the Desert

Well, say what you will, but at least we got to see Courtney act remotely human this time. Standing outside she awaits Ben basking in the sun and a voice over tells us how she's had to think about how she treated the other girls. Heh. Nice audio splice, Fleiss; did you record this last week when the backlash exploded in your faces? Anyway, Courtney is shown to take ben home to meet her folks while Ben gushes about the clarity he got by being able to sit next to her on a Mayan Human Sacrifice Temple and still get a boner. The folks greet Ben: dad Rick, mom Sherry, who already looked ready to run to a tabloid, and Courtney's sister. They eat on the patio, and mom, looking like an even crazier Madeline Kahn, scoffs skeptically. Pops seats Ben and tells Ben that marriage is an insane gamble or something similar. Looking at his wife, the guy has a point. But that doesn't stop dad from trying desperately to get Ben to take his maniac-daughter off his hands. Seconds after telling Ben that marriage is a wild gamble, pops is pimping for grandkids. Mom and Courtney share a talk, and I thought for a moment that Courtney was adopted, until I see they share the crazy eyes. Mom folds quick and the whole family wants Ben to haul her away and keep her away.

Courtney now takes Ben out to a fake wedding, where Courtney gets her moment to look sincere, but shows her insincerity by plagiarizing some mock wedding vows. How sincere were her words of love? Let's see:

Carrie Bradshaw to Mr. Big on Sex in the City:
Carrie: "I’m looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each other love."

Courtney Robertson to Mr. Small on the Bachelor:
Courtney: "I'm looking for love, real love, all-consuming, can't live without it love."
Aww, true love. Puke.





Who's This Strange Guy?

Suddenly we're back in L.A., and Ben is sitting and talking with a guy who looks somewhat familiar. Whoa, is that Harrison? Jeez, Wingman, how come you're not drunk in the hotel bar? He should have just stayed in the bar getting tanked. His only purpose is to nod and prompt Ben to merely recap the visits with previously seen footage now shown through a gauzy lens. No sign of all those fatherly advice sessions Harrison keeps telling us about, just a lame recap. Hell, let's just do it.

Roses:

1) Queen Courtney--she had him at Hello (Thank you, Jerry Maguire).

2) Lindzi the Misspelled--Does she have a chance? Slim and none.

3) Nicki the Narrator--none.

Dodged a Howitzer Shell:

Sweetie-Pie Kacie. Ben walks her out where she falls completely to pieces. he does nothing but mumble he's sorry and then sends her on her way where she comes completely unglued. I'm sure Christmas at the Boguskie house was a chilly affair, but after watching this show, even Kacie must be thanking them for the sabotage job. She'll be busy fielding offers, and I hope happy.

Next Week: Switzerland Calls.