7/11--They Call Her the Wanderer

Hey I got a cute idea: let's wander around, shall we? Just in case you were wondering; there it is, the entire script for all 10 Bachelorette episodes this season. Man, I hate to say this, especially since I like Ashley (she's sorta-a-little-kinda-hot, in that "maybe I could have actually scored with her when I was younger" type of way, as opposed to say, Emily Maynard; who if she saw me coming would leap to the other side of the street from a mile off.  Yes, I mean she has her own teeth, her own boobs, and looks absolutely ridiculous in false eyelashes; but I like her. True, they have to hide her great huge forehead under professionally coiffed hair, and she gets a little nutso when she hits the sauce {which this season is NEVER!}, and she seems to have developed a sudden allergy to hot tubs, and the only kind of kissing she seems to do on camera is closed mouthed, chaste, and stiff, but I like her. I can't help it, I really do. She's bubbly; she's a regular gal; she's an extremely well-educated professional. True, her taste in men is worse than Mrs. Hannibal Lecter's, but I like her.) this season has sucked! Just to try and cheer myself up, I picture Executive Producer/Human Drain Field, Mike Fleiss, seated in his ritzy digs watching the final cut of these episodes with his forehead in his hands wailing, "Oh, Chantal! How could you desert me?" Its also cheering to imagine Chantal O'Brien handling the part instead of Ashley. Chantal, who spent her interim months after Brad dumped her, getting engaged to some lucky bastard in Seattle, probably sits on her fancy couch watching these episodes with said bastard and laughing, "Man, I would have assaulted that guy!" when Ashley offers up one of her tepid pecks; and damned easy to imagine said bastard raising a steely, Clark Gable-like eyebrow at her, and then assaulting her. Poor Fleiss. If Chantal had been on board, instead of hanging out with that lucky bastard, we wouldn't be wandering around Asia watching tepid pecks handed out sober on park benches.  Eraser Head Ames would have smoke coming out of his ears, I'd bet. Poor us. Poor me.

Paging Dr. Howard; Dr. Fine; Dr. Sun Yat-Sen?

Well I better quit digressing (and fantasizing) and get to it. It is what it is. And what it is, is some strange commercial for Taiwan, which I didn't know needed any advertising. You may remember Taiwan; its the country that we used to call Nationalist China before Big China got pissed off and demanded we call them the "one and only China" or they would invade Taiwan and stop selling us shower clogs and rubber dog shit. Since many a U.S. president values the rubber dog shit market, we gave in. So, Taiwan is now just the little island off Real China's coast where I'm wishing Chantal O'Brien was this week instead of being assaulted on her couch by some lucky bastard. Regardless, Harrison is in the house, so we're go. Ashely starts off the episode by wandering around a few city squares and explaining to a new generation of Americans where we get our rubber dog shit from while the wingman gathers the boredom survivors and pimps for Taiwan's 100th Anniversary. Ok. The town-center-crowd-clearings paid for, the winger lays out the date line-up for the week: there will be three, 1-on-1 dates with no roses anywhere in sight; and one, terrible Group Date. Harrison packs the boys off and here we go.

Constantine Demonstrates Why He is Not the Next Bachelor

Yea, I was wrong. This guy's got too much sense to be the Bachelor. What's all this "Take it slow; let it happen naturally" shit? What a killjoy you are Hercules. C'mon, make like Sunny Ryan and fall in love halfway through one solo date. What the hell's the matter with you? You think this is some kind of wandering frat party? Look at your bromance buddy, Vino Ben; he's in the bubble. Stop being normal! Jeesh. Anyway, Constantine heads out to meet Ashley at a train station, but since we're Big Head Free for the first time this week (I won't say the name if you don't) that means we need a new, troubling sub-plot. And that sub-plot is J.P., The Skinhead, who winds up instantly into what will become an episode-long jealous tirade about how he is sick of sharing "his woman" with these other turds. (More on that later). Ashley picks up Constantine and takes him on a steam train ride to a tiny village inside the Taipei countryside. She whines about how slow her relationship with him has been as they ride through the jungle while Hercules plays it casual as usual. The arrive in Ping-Shi village where they, they wander around. He piggybacks her over to some paper lanterns and she forces him to paint their wishes onto them. They grab the lantern and head off while back at the freebie hotel another date card has arrived. Vino Ben scores another 1-on-1, much to the consternation of Sunny Ryan, who has scored nothing but irritation to this point, and the fury of J.P. Back at dinner, Ashley and Constantine eat and have a chat. Constantine makes all sensible and intelligent again. Boo! She finally quits grilling him and they share some closed-mouthed, stiff pecks and release their Wish Lantern. Right on the director's cue, a bunch of locals releases their lanterns skyward and it does look pretty cool. Date over.

Vino Ben Discovers "the Bubble"

Finally deciding to showcase some cool Asian vistas, Ashley takes Vino Ben to Taroko National Park to wander around amidst the gorges and skip bungee jumping on a suspension bridge. Ashley packs him off onto a moped and he drives them (gasp! No one tell DeAnna or Ali) the wrong way down a one-way into the park. They drive around on some scenic roads and he drools on her a bit. While Ben is scoring some tepid kisses on the no jumping suspension bridge, yet another Date Card arrives and tells Lucas, the Texas Cowboy, J.P. the Jealous Skinhead, and my man, Eraser Head Ames to get ready for a really crappy group date. Sunny Ryan finally gets his chance to dance around and spike one in the endzone when he does the math and figures out he gets the 1-on-1 at last. Ryan explodes with "Golly-Gee-isms" while we head back to Ashley and Ben. Darkness has fallen and Ben starts the evening by confessing to the camera that he is ready to be a Fleiss-stooge, "I'm falling in love with Ashley, but I'm not ready to tell her yet." Ouch. Best of luck, buddy. Ben earns some Argh! by showing some confidence and sounding very genuine about the whole thing. He confesses he is on the tipping point of falling in love and sounds like a coerced, but genuine dude. He gets close to the "L' word and Ashley grimaces. With her, that could mean she is horny, has cramps from the crab they ate, or thinks he needs to simmer down; I have no idea. But they kiss and we get some nice scenery. Date over.

Ames and Lucas Get Shafted

In a painful repeat of the time-wasting date that started this season involving future non-comedian, William the Wise in Las Vegas, the producers decide to stage some Taiwanese wedding photos that aren't going to happen either. Just to add some cruelty, two of the alleged "groomsman" are forced to dress like circus clowns, while the biggest crybaby in the group gets to dress like James Bond and picks up the rose anyway. Before they head out, J.P. gets a chance to mope and be a grouch. Vino Ben was deliberately held overnight in a separate room from Ashley just so he can come wandering in dressed like a smurf and set J.P. off like a firecracker. Ashley pimps for the local wedding photo industry and J.P. gnashes his teeth a little more. Lucas, the Cowboy comes out first dressed in a gold lame mu-mu. Yeah, that looked like fun. Unsurprisingly, Lucas thinks he got rooked. If he wants to feel better, he just needs to wait for Ames. The Eraser Head goes next and comes out dressed in some rental tux nightmare Adam Sandler would have refused to wear in the The Wedding Singer. It looked like a crackhead Liberace get-up, circa 1966. J.P. finally comes out dressed in a tailored black tux, just in case the other two aren't aware of their status in the pecking order. Ashley comes in dressed like a geisha, laughs at them, and poses with Lucas, who looks ready to open his veins. Lucas, who had the temerity to kiss her during the wedding photos, sets J.P. off again into another whining fit. Ames goes next and kisses Ashley in a tree. J.P. smolders, even though he gets a beach backdrop and Ashley dressed in a regular wedding dress. In the evening, they view their framed photos, and Ashley can't understand why the guys didn't love looking like tools. Lucas tells her he felt like an idiot. Ames whips out some private photos and shows even more chops and his world class brain. J.P. goes next and complains about the Group Date and shows off some jealousy. Whether this whole edit was designed to make us think J.P. is a normal guy who is (understandably) jealous over a girl he's fallen in love with or they are warning us that J.P. is going to move her to Alabama and beat the living shit out of her the first time she looks at the mailman, I have no idea. Regardless, what would've been "red flags" in any other guy makes her all squishy and she gets the rose for him. Date over.

Sunny Ryan's Bachelor Interview, Part 1

Damn, its sad when I can get inside the head of a dirtbag like Mike Fleiss, but I don't know who he thinks he's fooling. Not me, that's for sure. Solar energy dork, Sunny Ryan, who reminds me so much of perennial Bachelor constant, Jake, Cheesemachine Pavelka, it makes me nauseous, is ready for his interview and his 1-on-1 date at last. Wearing a five-o'clock shadow and pink shirt to go with his permanent grin, Ryan meets Ashley at the Taipei version of Tienanmen Square and they wander around. She takes him to a Buddhist temple where folks are lined up praying in surgical masks, letting us know the Avian Flu threat is not over in this part of the world. Ryan is just overwhelmed that people outside of the U.S. actually pray and he nearly breaks down foaming at the mouth. Big on making wishes this episode, Ashley takes him over to the Altar of the Matchmaking God so they can make a wish and toss some bricks on the ground to see if their wishes come true. Having the same luck that Constantine's Wish Lantern had in the credits when a dog pissed on it, Ryan tosses the bricks hoping for the augur of eternal love. Instead, the bricks make like an ancient Chinese proverb, land on the wrong side and tell him: Bricks say; YOU hit the bricks! Ryan stares at the bricks and tells us maybe that isn't a good omen. Yeah? Better than getting your Wish Lantern coated in dog piss, but probably not good. They then head over to a park where Ashley, desperate for anything to speak with this clown about, asks about his environmentalism. He peps right up and bores the hell out of her with a long-winded lesson on the virtues of tank less water heaters. Letting us know she knows and cares nothing about environmentalist whackos, Ashley winds up and dumps him. Ryan stares at her and thus begins a truly horrible performance of heartbreak that must have had Pavelka filing a lawsuit for copyright infringement. Despite the fact that they shaved nearly thirty-minutes off this episode so Harrison could get a load of circuitous and incomplete answers from Emily Maynard about her bust-up with Brad Womack, we still had plenty of time to see Ryan run into the bushes, sit on a park bench and break down into not one, not two, but three--standing and sitting, Full-Mesnicks! He whined, hyper-ventilated, told us he thought Ashely was "The one!" after less than one date alone with her where she dumped him, and blubbered like a GIANT VAGINA. Knowing the sadistic editors and fiendish producers like I do, I'm sure this performance caused a sizable portion of the 18-49 female demographic sweet spot audience to cry "Awwwwww!" while I cried "Owwwww!" Ashley finally got rid of him but followed up the dump with some painful words, "Looking into his eyes, I'm not sure I made the right decision." Thanks for the foreshadowing so we won't be shocked if he mysteriously shows back up for part two of his interview. God help us, and date over.

Quick Axe So We Can See Emily

No cocktail party needed, Harrison lines the remaining five down and sets them up as Ashley comes in and gets right to work.

Already safe: J.P. the Jealous Skinhead.

1) Constantine Hercules--Mr. Normal will take her to Georgia.

2) Vino Ben--Deep in the bubble and on his way to the vineyards with her.

Enter wingman: "Ashley, gentleman, this is the final rose tonight; hurry up so we can interview Emily and the boss can curse bog that she didn't dump Brad before we started filming."

3) Eraser Head Ames--score it.

Dumped: Lucas, the Texas Cowboy for not wanting to wear a lame dress frock and failing to show the necessary cultural sensitivity.

Next Week: Hometowns

Emily Interview: Didn't want to be there, didn't want to discuss her private affairs, which proves she is either a liar or those people who think she wants to the next Bachelorette are crazy. I'll believe her and respect her wishes and continue not writing about she and Brad.

3/3--Some Dastardly Evening

The Lord of the Douche Bags!


Take a bow, you asshole.



Well, wasn't that special? Melissa Rycroft, meet THE BUS! BUS, meet Melissa. BOOM!

Well, well, well. Turns out Reality Steve couldn't have been more right, could he? In golf parlance, you refer to that one as 'center-cut'. On every substantial point of this season's 'shocking ending', Reality Steve turned out to be 100% correct. Steve's sources and the man himself turn out to be totally vindicated and you know what that means, my friends. It means that the sources that came forward to feed Reality Steve this story way back in late January had it pegged to the wall--including the part that says this emotional evisceration of Melissa was a planned ambush designed to pimp ratings and reduce Ms. Rycroft to a quivering mass of jelly. All while Producer/Asshole Supreme, Mike Fleiss and his wingman/stooge, Chris Harrison sat in the control truck beating their meats like the emotional sadists they are. And Jason Mesnick? Well let's just say you could put this guy's balls and sense of decency in the same thimble--which is undoubtedly where that bug-eyed tramp he ended up with keeps them.


Recap: No one gives a shit.

But Barbarossa, how can you say it was all staged?

Because I have a higher I.Q. than your average refrigerator magnet, that's why. Let's look at the facts, shall we?

• Reality Steve got his scoop in late January. Sources came forward and told Steve what happened at FRC # 1. Why? Steve says this had never happened before. Was if for the money? The Fame? The Notoriety? No on all counts. Steve is a salesman, he doesn't have any money and wouldn't pay for info if he did. Fame, notoriety? Puhhllleeze. Leaking information of this nature opens the leaker up to punitive legal action. The only way Steve could protect his sources was to guard their anonymity. So why did they (I use the plural) come forward? Because they were sickened to their core about what had happened.That's why they leaked it to begin with. No other reason is credible. Would Jason changing his mind sicken them? Shock them maybe, perhaps even surprise them. But sicken them? Hardly.
  
• Almost simultaneously to the leaks Steve got, someone leaked the ending (including the scripting) to a reporter at Access Hollywood. Did they get paid? Hardly. The woman spiked the story as to not spoil the fans. They aren't going to pay for what they're not gonna' use. Both Steve and the reporter "quadruple checked" the sources and found them completely accurate. Later on the tabloids would get a hold of this and do the same damn thing. All verified, all checked and double-checked, and all saying the exact same thing: the whole thing was staged.
• The sources have been completely correct--six weeks before the airing of the finale--and they were totally vindicated. Why doubt one part of their story when the rest turned out correct?
• The 'acting' of Jason and Molly at the FRC. When Jason had demolished Melissa, Molly was brought out to talk with Harrison. Unlike almost every Bachette in history Molly had not 'moved on.' "I still love him." Nerves? Are you kidding? She was as cool as a cucumber. No eye-blinking, swallowing or any sign of distress--just as robotic as ever. You might even think she knew what was coming. Snort! And when Jason took her back? Oh, man! She hedged and agonized over that decision. I mean, until the commercial break ended, then she crammed her tongue down his throat and made sure to do it on camera. Ahh, twu wuv! It took her nearly two whole minutes to not only forgive him but to suck his face off. Yeah, she was on the edge of her seat all right. Jason's tears? (sighs) whether crying over his son, or falling over the edge of the balcony after sending Molly home or dumping Melissa--this guy's balls must be the size of a gnats. The good news is that Molly will be able to store them in a petri dish. I can just see Jason padding around on the floor on all fours with a black collar on his neck while Molly feeds him his dinner out of a dog dish. What a life!

The Producers

These guys are soul-less monsters, we all know that. But they have violated the covenant they have with viewers with this stunt. We expect staging, hell, we look forward to parts of it. Women singing, eating beer cans and performing all sorts of stunts to entertain us. Bachelors like Brad Womack having heart to heart advice talks with professional football players they've just met or the required use of the words "amazing' and 'journey". But the understanding has always been: "you don't mess with the love." Well they finally had a lovestory...maybe. Ok, ok, I admit, Jason and Molly? Bland meets bland. If I saw those two lying on a beach and walked past with my kids I'd slap my boy's hand away, "Don't touch them son! The dullness rubs off!" But that's hardly our fault. They cast these two bags of fertilizer. We've been violated almost as badly as Melissa. I always knew these guys would pimp their grandmothers for ratings...now I think they'd shoot them.


Jason Mesnick

Ah, at last. Even if every leak is wrong and it wasn't scripted and designed to destroy an innocent woman, Mesnick would be revealed as an emotional retard. What 32 year-old, divorced father would find himself torn between two women and then suddenly propose to one of them? Even if he's innocent (and he's not) what the hell could you have been thinking? But that's beside the point, because he did this on purpose, with malice and aforethought. Before I unload both barrels into this guy I'm going to anticipate some of the whiners who are already posting around the net.

But Barbarossa, he was under contract! He had to do what he was told!

Bullshit! I guess I need to get me one of them contracts. I'm going to have everyone I know sign it and soon I'll have my own slave army! Jesus, will you people listen to this? Let me point out a few things to the slower among the flock. Bachelors have power! Before you roll your eyes, think about this: If Eva Longoria Parker had a problem with a script on Desperate Housewives and was throwing a diva-tantrum over it do you think the director would phone the legal department and call for the lawyers? "Listen, Mrs. Parker. You've got a contract and if you don't get back on that set, we're gonna' sue your ass off!" Hahahahahah! They wouldn"t dare! Eva would haul ass off that set like a rocket...and when she did, the entire production would come to a screeching halt. No, the director would call the producer, the writer and anyone else he needed and they would schmooze Eva's shapely bottom and make whatever changes to the script was required to get her back to work. What makes you think the Bachelor is any different? From the first second the Bachelor is publicly announced, he has power. He's the STAR for shits sake! Just like Lovely Eva and any of her Desperate Sisters!

And three months into a shoot? OMG! Production is in motion: houses rented, product promos set up, a crew and team is on the payroll, and they have three weeks of footage in the can. They are, to say the least, invested in the STAR to the hilt! ABC is waiting for the product they ordered and the producers had damn well better deliver. Now, replay the scenario that almost certainly happened, but instead of a spineless pustule like Jason, insert a real man into the scenario:
Producers: "So, you've settled on Molly, eh? Cool, Great to hear it. We need a different ending--something new and different for ratings, babe. Here's what we want you to do: you seem to like Melissa ok too, so take her to the end and propose to her--then we'll film the break up after filming wraps and then you and Molly can be together. What do you say?"

Bach: That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard! You want me to get engaged to a girl and then dump her just so you can film it?! I won't do anything that shameful!"

P: "Listen, bub, you've got a contract and you're gonna' open yourself up to some tough legal action unless you do what we say!"

B: "Blood from a turnip...and the next one of you sons-a-bitches even breaths the word 'lawsuit' I'm walking off this fucking set, finding the nearest reporter and telling 'em what you asked me to do!"

A chill would fill the room cold enough to freeze an Eskimo's balls. Millions of dollars into production you think they're going try and run their STAR off?! But of course, that's not how the conversation went, is it? Here is probably what it sounded like with Jason:

Producers: "So, you've settled on Molly, eh? Cool, Great to hear it. We need a different ending--something new and different for ratings, babe. Here's what we want you to do: you seem to like Melissa ok too, so take her to the end and propose to her. Then we'll film the break up after filming wraps and then you and Molly can be together. What do you say?"

Tranny-man: (Whines and rubs his two-inch dick) "Oh, ok, Mike. Whatever you want." Disgusting!

This guy's a walking shitstain! How amoral do you have to be to willfully agree to a stunt like this? Melissa was demolished by this, humiliated and laid bare all on National Television. This wasn't the normal lead-on we see every season where the Bachelor leads on two or three extra chicks so the show won't lose it's drama. No, this went well outside the show.

But Barbarossa, it's not really an engagement. It's just TV

Skip it! He got down on a knee, slipped a ring on her finger and asked: "Will you marry me?" That's an engagement and I don't give a shit if he asked her on top of the Matterhorn, the surface of the moon or anywhere else. Slide the ring on and pop the question and it counts. I can barely fathom the moral depravity required to ask a gal to marry you, cheat on her, and then dump her on National Television as part of a plan! Had he just changed his mind, I would have doubted his sanity for asking when he was less than sure, but I understand people can change their minds. But to do this on purpose!? I hope Molly gives him the crabs!

The only people pleased by this are all the other men who were The Bachelor. Andy Baldwin, Bob Guiney, Jesse Palmer--they're sitting around toasting anyone who will still get near them and singing the praises of Jason Mesnick. "We're off the hook!" But I seriously doubt that will console Melissa Rycroft...or us. Shamelessness defined.

2/16--It's All About Steve

Does anybody really want me to recap this shit? Really? Ok, here goes:

(Begin recap:) The Bachelor goes to the land where they filmed Lord of the Rings and frankly, I'm pissed I didn't get to see Gandalf. But I did get see Frodo. He was the hairy little guy dragging three babes around to various scenic spots, necking with them, staring at them and barely talking, yanking them into hot tubes, bubble baths, and anything with water in it besides a mud puddle, and then dumping the one with the Canadian accent. In between he managed to put enough heat on them to get them all to admit they were 'in-love' with him and got the chance to whip out the 'ol sexcard and warm his bed with all three. Not a bad week for a hobbit. (End recap)

As if anyone gives a shit what happened. This entire season has been hijacked by my fellow blogger, Reality Steve. Steve has been cackling like the wicked witch for the last several weeks; letting everyone know he has a secret--nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! And according to his latest missive, he's going to drop that bomb tomorrow morning at 8:30 am CST. Because of Steve's threats and clues, this entire season has come down to one individual and the insider info he says he has. Even the most naive rooter seems to have figured out that Steve isn't lying. Bachelor producer/human turd, Mike Fleiss, spent all weekend going into full hype mode about the finale, and today, his weak wingman, Chris Harrison spent the better part of his own sucky blog defending himself and the show against the charges Steve hasn't even leveled yet. Gone was the wingman's normal jocularity and bombastic homilies, replaced by by an air of whistling past the graveyard. Harrison sounded like the Captain of a battleship who can see the torpedo wakes heading at him and there's not a damn thing he can do.


I have no idea what Steve has but I'm looking forward to it like everyone else. There's little more to say at this point. Nobody ever gives a shit about the women tell all show coming next week and maybe I was watching last night with an extra-cynical eye, but Jason and the women generated zero heat in my eyes. The show was as boring as any they've ever produced. If that was scripted, well, they need to get a new writer then. Endless shots of Jason and his hairy-assed face, staring wordlessly at the girls while they gave little or no information about themselves. Riveting stuff. The only revelation of the night was a comment I saw from some poster on one of the boards. They stated that Jason looked like Curious George. Bingo! I've been trying to decide for two seasons who (or what) Jason looks like and damn if that isn't it. I liked Curious George when I was a kid. Cute books. Last night, it looked like Curious George Triple Dips! I'm pretty sure I would have loved that book as a kid too. Shame.

Ok, until Steve launches the torpedo of death and Steve, Argh! to you! Fire when ready!

Time for a Re-Run

Ah, that Reality Steve; love him, hate him, it doesn't matter. The question is: do you believe him? I've steered clear of the controversy he's caused and will continue to do so, but I think it's time, based on his recent revelations/accusations, to revisit a blog I posted back in December, well before Bachelor 13 premiered. I haven't changed a word of it. See what you think now?

Saturday, December 13th, 2008

He's in Love, He's Engaged...Ok, Whatever You Say Chum!

ABC just released the pre-show press release assuring fans of Jason and of The Bachelor, that the show formula worked and Jason is head-over-heels in love with the "girl of his dreams." Ok, ok, whatever you say. But before the partying begins in earnest, my friends, it's time for a quick reality check before any of you start confusing Reality TV with Reality. I can hear some of you grumbling already. Oh, Barbarossa! We just got the news! Let us enjoy it a while before you take a giant crap on our romantic dreams! It's just a show, after all! Sorry, my friends. I can see and practically hear the swooning going on in online Bachelor-land and before that gets too far out of control it's your friendly Captains job to piss directly into your porridge. I am already hearing disturbing rumblings about people picking "favorites" and the girls pics haven't even been officially released yet. I'm also hearing (even from veteran fans) that this time is different because "Jason is really sincere!" Besides, as a veteran watcher and writer about this particular crapsack, I am charged with dousing your unrealistic expectations with a bucket of ice water. It's for your own good after all. Trust me.

An article has recently resurfaced that was originally written five years ago (complete with insider interviews of shocking honesty) that definitely should be reviewed. I'll save you the time by quoting from it directly. This article, written by Alessandra Stanley of TV Watch, was written in 2003, when the first spate of Reality TV programs were becoming astoundingly popular. It's a rare look behind the curtain of just what it is we're all still ingesting. I'll start the review with this quote, which should put your romantic ideas into proper perspective:

''We wanted to shoot the show like a soap opera,'' explained Lisa Levenson, the co-executive producer of ''The Bachelor'' series and a former producer of ''General Hospital,'' an ABC daytime soap opera. ''The principal ingredient is developing characters that viewers can relate to, or watch and think, 'At least I am not as screwed up as that person.' '' (Ms. Levenson also worked on the ''Jerry Springer Show.'')


If that last bit doesn't warn you about the nature of what we're all watching, I'll be damned if I know what will. That's right, Lisa Levenson, Bachelor co-producer, used to spend her time arranging onstage fist fights between incestuous families, trailer-trash lesbians, and perverted dwarfs. Jerry! Jerry! Quite a resume builder that is. Especially when you're also producing a dating show that requires everyone to swallow what they're seeing wholesale. Soap Operas and Springer--god, what a combo! This folks, is the same person who is trying to get you to buy that Jason Mesnick, average joe from Kirkland, Washington, has found love on her TV show and it's the real deal!

True, people have fallen in love on The Bachelor and it's sister show, The Bachelorette. But unfortunately for Levenson, and her partner in crime, Mike Fleiss, it's been a while. What this article makes so clear is just what the focus and point of this show is. (Hint: It's not people falling in love) Fleiss made it clear, they could care less about that

''If the couples break up, viewers will find that interesting, too,'' said Mike Fleiss, Ms. Levenson's co-executive producer on ''The Bachelor'' series. ''It's storytelling, and viewers are more satisfied when we work the spin.''


"The spin". Yeah. They are producing a Soap Opera-like piece of entertainment. Their goal is to craft a story that draws you into the emotional journey about the quest for love, not to pair up lonely singles. In other words, it's about as real as a pro wrestling match, and if anyone falls in love during rehearsals, well, that's just fine. But if they don't, that's fine too, just as long as they produce good drama and ratings. Barbarossa, that's fine. But this is about the people, people like Jason, and he's really sincere! Maybe, maybe not. Let's see what the icon of the this series has to say about sincerity. Trista Sutter is the poster child for this franchise. She married Colorado fireman Ryan Sutter in her own incarnation of the Bachelorette and she is the lone peg on which Fleiss and Levenson hang their coat and point to every time someone tells them their show is a pile of faked shit that never works. Let's see what Trista has to say about those smashed and broken hearts every Bachlor(ette) contestant invariably leave in their wakes:

Ms. Rehn, perhaps having snapped out of ''The Bachelorette'' trance, had a prosaic explanation for why she appeared so enamored of Charlie, the man she rejected for the poetry-writing fireman, Ryan, in the finale. ''They need to make the audience believe it is going to go a certain way,'' she told reporters on Thursday, ''so they can have a shocking ending.''

Yikes! Even saintly Trista, who followed through and actually married her fireman and procreated with him just admitted she led some poor shlub along and make sure he got blind-sided so the producers could have some drama. Holy crack smoking, Batman! You mean Trista shamelessly led some poor bastard on and then trashed him on national TV just to make the producers happy? Yep, that's exactly what that means. And that's exactly what Jason Mesnick is going to do too. He's going to encourage a set of women to fall for him, so he can slam them down. Oh, Barbarossa, not Jason! He wouldn't do that! He has a son! Really? Have they changed the premise of the show? The press release says he's gonna' start out with 25 women all trying to be the last one standing. That means that 24 women are going to be unceremoniously dumped by Mr. Wonderful. But Barbarossa, Jason will be kind about it. He won't give those bad old producer's what they want. He has too much respect for women!

Uh huh. Ok, lets see what the producers say about that:

Ms. Levenson explained that even the most unpracticed contestants go into what she calls ''The Bachelor bubble.'' Isolated from newspapers, friends, television or any other distraction from the show, participants develop ''Stockholm syndrome,'' and identify with the producers' goals. ''They do not want to screw up, and they want it to be as dramatic for the viewers as it is for them,'' Ms. Levenson explained

Hehehe. Yep. They deliberately isolate the contestants so the can promote a Stockholm Syndrome among them. No wonder Jason always grimaces like he's making a hostage tape; he is. If Jason has so much respect for women (and himself) why is he doing this show? So he can fall in love--squeeee! Uh, no. He can do that at home. Jason has chosen to do this on national television with about 7 million people watching. He is no rube either. As a previous contestant on the MeAnna Pappas Bachelorette, he knows the ropes. He has agreed to take part in a show that you have just seen the producers refer to as a Soap Opera. He knows most of his fellow cast members want careers in show biz and that they came on the show for exposure. What does Jason hope to gain by this? I have no idea, but the fact there is more to this than just falling in love is what I just called it: a fact! What his true motivations are, I neither know nor care. I just know he has them and the fact he is going to drag his three year-old son into this is nothing short of loathsome, in my opinion...but that's his business.

I'm not trying to put people off watching this show. As you all know, I'm about as sanctimonious as someone on death row. If Jason wants to run his life this way fine by me. I'm just trying to make sure that my faithful readership (that would be both of you) keeps in mind just what we are watching. If this thing works at all, it will be as a happy byproduct of the process of creating Soap Opera quality entertainment. And know that many of you will soon sour on Jason Mesnick. You will start to like some contestant and then see Jason dump her. Popularity as a contestant on this show is one thing; popularity as the Bachelor himself? Ah, that's another. Meanwhile, caveat emptor, my friends.

1/26--Generally Hospitalized

Can you get chapped lips from making out? If you can, Jason Mesnick needs to sign on as a spokesman for Chapstick. I don't care if he was 'acting' for much of the night; the guy locked more lip than Pepe Le Pew. I never saw Bob Guiney's season of the Bachelor but I don't see how that disgusting little turd could have kissed more women than our dearly loved single father. He would have had to start by tackling the wingman before the first woman ever got out of a limo to have a chance to stay even. Not that I blame the guy. Kiss 'em all for all I care. But many female swooners who would have sworn two months ago that Jason was a virgin, despite being divorced and having a kid, better get it through their skulls that this guy is a horndog just like the rest of us. It's been New Years Eve at midnight since the second week and this guy shows no sign of slowing down. True, he was helped on his way to the record by visiting the set of a real Soap Opera and having to 'act' with the women, but if I were Harrison I'd be hiding when I saw the guy coming. No lips are safe with Le Bandito on the prowl. Rumors are abounding around the net that Jason's fiance is having a problem with watching all the intimacy between him and the other girls too. If that's true, this night did nothing to settle her stomach, I can tell you that.

The episode opens with news from the wingman that this week there will be a 1 on 1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2 on 1, where someone gets dumped right in front of their competitor. But first, he tells the girls they must "earn" the 1 on 1 date by composing and singing a love song for Jason.

An American Idol Moment

Damn! I hated this little spectacle when they debuted it last year on DeAnna's Bachelorette. And I do mean, Hated It! The contestants are all given thirty minutes to compose and perform a love song for Jason and El Dweebo himself will be the judge. Last season, DeAnna was the judge and she picked Jesse, the Stoned Snowboarder as her 'winner', despite the fact that I have seen better lyrics written on public bathroom stalls and heard better singing from 450 lbs. mental ward escapees on American Idol. Jason's stated criterion for winning was explained as "Who has the most fun and just goes with it!" Yeah, right. (Sighs) Why not just pick the one the producers tell you to pick before it starts and be done with it already? Elton John can't write a decent song in 30 minutes. To expect non-writers and performers to produce anything less than embarrassment is just nuts. If they need to be humiliated, Fleiss, just have them disrobe and parade around naked. At least the males and lesbians in the audience can enjoy that. And since when is how well someone can take humiliation some harbinger on how they'd do as a spouse? If that's the kind of marriage you're planning, be sure to have a good divorce lawyer on retainer.

But noooooo, it's singing time.

Molly the Bland opens the auditory and lyrical assault by trying to be funny with her tune and I do mean trying to be funny. She sings about fast-food or some weird shit and Jason laughs like she's funnier than Dave Chapelle. Snort! (Just give her the damn rose, you idiot!) Shannon the Stalker does some rap that's not any worse than real rap; which means it sucked! Melissa the Cheerleader also tries to be funny...I think. I hope she wasn't trying to be good. Mission Unaccomplished if that was the object. Megan, the Pirate Wench at least had the sense to realize just how bad she was gonna' sound and talks her way through it and spares my ears, but Stephanie the Catwoman has "fun with it" at the audiences expense and succeeds in both laying an Ostrich egg and shattering all the glass in the mansion. Augghhh!

Lauren the Dominatrix (formerly Lauren the Hesitant) brags like all hell and then manages to mime a real singer but has to steal the melody from Cyndi Lauper's True Colors to do it. But at least my ears don't bleed. The real drama is produced when Nikki the Pageant Queen goes into a nuclear meltdown at the thought of bearing her feelings in a song and "looking silly!" Relax, babe, you can't look any sillier than everyone else. This one is a real mystery. Don't they have talent competitions at pageants anymore? Evidently not. Maybe with the new PC-era of thought Nikki normally puts on a chess demonstration when she competes for Miss Rutabaga Queen or whatever. Finally she splits the difference and agrees to perform but sings a lullaby to the baby she doesn't have instead of a love song to the boyfriend she's not gonna' have either. Beautiful stuff. Song contest over...Thank God! Molly the Bland's fast-food anthem wins. Anything to make them stop.

Tenting Tonight

Jason hauls Molly the Bland to his own rented Malibu digs for a normal date, not the usual Bachelor fairytale crap. They eat burgers dressed in ratty cutoffs just like a real couple too. They also talk, just like a real couple, and they wax a bit more seriously than the usual date fare. Jason obviously sees a lot more in Molly than I do and while she confesses to feelings, she does it in a sane way and doesn't bother lying to us that she is "in love". It's a pretty cool date and the kind I'd like to see more of, frankly--no bullshit plane rides or fairy princess castles, no hammocks or hot tubs, and no one was drunk. As they talk, Le Bandito moves in for his first score of the night, Cha-Ching!, and then he hands her the flower and hauls her into a tent set up in his backyard for a sleepover. Producer/dickhead Fleiss even delivers dubbed sounds of quiet talk and slurping to make us believe they did the nasty too. Maybe they did, who knows? Just after dawn Jason drives her home with the rose and in a set of his clothes too. Shannon the Stalker, who patrolled the house waiting on Molly most of the night, and the other, saner girls who went to bed, greet Molly in the AM to find her dressed in Jason's clothes and complaining of not much sleep. The other girls all scatter uncomfortably while Shannon narrows her eyes at Molly and goes to polish her sniper rifle.

The group-date card arrives at the Harem Tent and missing from the list are Stephanie the Catwoman and Nikki, the Pageant Queen. They get the dreaded 2 on 1 get a rose or go home date. Nikki starts bawling at once while Stephanie gets excited.

Soap Opera for Real and the Attack of Le Bandito

Jason takes his group gaggle to the set of General Hospital for some acting, jealousy, and pure audience entertainment. These kind of dates are fun to watch but they do nothing to show us much of anything. Since they dressed up in costume and mastered the art of the Soap Opera Kiss (no tongues, if you please.) it didn't show us squat about Jason or his interest in any of the women. It just means that every feminist who's ever complained about this show is 100% correct: It does set women back a hundred years...just like real Soap Operas do. I'm sure Jason didn't mind however. Very few guys ever get to make out with six women in one hour unless they're a Sultan or something...or Charlie Sheen, of course.

Anyway, Jason herds them onto the set and they stage a couple of scenes so he can set the record. A 'kissing coach' (now there's a job) asks for volunteers and to the surprise of no one Shannon the Stalker leaps forward and finally gets to kiss Jason. He does his best not to cringe and off we go. The first staged scene is with Naomi the Spicy, who's dressed in some naughty maid outfit. Lauren the Dominatrix is supposed to enter the scene as the jealous wife but fumbles her lines and misses her cues so much I start to think she wants to watch the two of them make out. It takes twelve or so takes of Naomi and Jason necking before Lauren can do it right and by that time I know why they filmed Jason sitting on the couch. By kiss three I'd bet the guy was pitching a tent. Then they film Jillian the Canuck, wearing a dumb blond wig, getting a marriage proposal from Le Bandito and it was so quick I don't even remember whether he rang her up on the tote board or not. It is one of the few times we'll see Jillian all night though. (I have no idea what that means.) Then it's off to a different set where Megan, the Pirate Wench, dressed exactly how I picture her at home, awaits him in her 'vamp' outfit. Megan and Jason have yet to kiss so I suppose she's out after her money's worth because she practically eats his face off. The other girls all accuse her of 'not acting' and Megan smirks at them with her best F*ck you, bitches look and says she did mean it. Must be nice to have you first kiss not only be in front of an audience but admittedly forced to boot. Damn, I'd hate to see the consolation prizes Fleiss offers the losers on this show. The only revealing thing abut the entire experience is the incessant drumbeat of comments and private interviews from Melissa the Cheerleader, who got no kiss, about just how jealous all of this makes her. It's a not very subtle move and Melissa begins to move front and center in our thoughts. She confesses to being surprised at how much it bothered her but maintains her ability to be self-deprecating and genuinely funny without resorting to cattiness. Talk about a good edit.

This leads us to an after-shoot wrap party that's about as fun as tap dancing in a minefield but nowhere near as exciting. The woman we get to see are all nervous, stressed, and pissy. All except Megan, the Pirate Wench, who's exultant after receiving a forced, faked kiss. She is for a little while anyway. When she gets Jason alone its clear she'd like the real thing but Le Bandito has had all he wants from her and she knows it. Having more luck is Naomi the Spicy, who already has a bad case of Jason-halitosis before she separates herself from the group and pouts. This draws Jason like a elephant to a bag of peanuts and she vamps and boo-hoos about being 'scared'. Heheh, good for you, dear. Jason reassures her and locks her up yet again while constant voiceovers and private interviews from Melissa the Cheerleader let us know how jealous she is. She finally gets a moment alone with Le Bandito and goes into a meltdown. Then, he does it. Despite getting ready to stiff her on the rose, Jason cradles her, holds hands, and looks deeply into her eyes like he's done with no one else. Leaks or no, this couldn't have been anymore obvious: the boy is a goner. Fleiss showed this a little too early, and his orders to Jason to give the flower to Naomi not withstanding, it can't hide the glaringly obvious. The Queen Wench herself, Mrs. Barbarossa, who knows nothing about internet leaks, practically leaped up off the sofa, "Did you see that!?" Yes, dear, I did...and so did everyone else. Game over. Regardless, Naomi the tent-pitcher gets the rose from Fleiss...er, Jason.

The Waltz of the Living Dead

Time for Stephanie the Catwoman's chance to prove she's a professional dance coach and for Nikki, the Pageant Queen's Waterloo. Earlier, we saw Nikki couldn't sing or write music, now we find out she can't dance either. Just what the hell do they do at beauty pageants these days? Anyway, ball gowns arrive for both women and they go dress. Nikki looks like Catherine of Cordoba and Stephanie, well, Stephanie looks like an escapee from a wax museum...as usual. Anyway, Jason picks them up in a stolen Rolls Royce and takes them to some remote, candle-lit location for a dancing date that is amongst the most uncomfortable I have ever seen. Both women get dance lessons from a hot dance coach (Stephanie needlessly) and we get to watch Nikki fumble through the steps and she and Stephanie taking turns cutting in on one another. Nikki shows her amazing lack of belief in herself and her abilities to do anything, and I mean anything, without six months of rehearsals. Stephanie responds with her southern belle classiness and handles everything like a pro.(which she is) Jason finally calls a halt to the torture and sits them down for a meal. It's here that one of the major weaknesses for true romantic success on this show rears its head. Stephanie had barely said 'hello' to Jason before she informed him of being widowed and a mom and she's already had a 1 on 1 date. Nikki, more reticent to begin with, has not had a 1 on 1 with Jason, and sensing her end is near, has to start talking to him about her failed, 11 year relationship with Stephanie ten feet away. They either need to pick fewer girls or extend the shooting schedule to give them all a 1 on 1 if they ever want this show to work.

Jason seems concerned about the news that Nikki had an 11 year relationship and downright alarmed at how she acts when she finally talks about it and you can hardly blame him. It's obvious to anyone watching that Nikki was crushed when the guy dumped her suddenly. She barely holds her tears when speaking of so emotional a moment and it's clear this girl is barely ready to date, let alone get married. But I'm not about to let Jason off so easily on this one for what's he's about to do. Stick with me and I'll explain. Jason hands Stephanie the flower and walks Nikki to the limo. Nikki, who could sense it coming before they even left the Harem Tent, takes it with her formidable pageant-babe classiness as she departs. It's when Jason returns to Stephanie that I fail to understand what he was thinking. Now I know Jason and I are very different men with entirely different tastes, but that notwithstanding, when he goes to finish his waltz with Stephanie and they finally have a mutual kiss, I scowled a mile wide and wanted to hit him upside the head. The kiss looked like two siblings pecking each other (and not the West Virginia kind either). Jesus, Jason! She's a widow with a four year-old at home? I can see you respect her, but come on? This choice was idiotic from every imaginable angle. Let her go home to her kid and memories, you idiot! Was carrying Nikki and her trainload of baggage another week such a problem? Stephanie was set up from the get go to be the most vulnerable woman on the show. I don't think Jason was being deliberately mean here but this was a serious lapse of judgment and he, of all people, should have known better. Rant over. Ahem. To resume. Nikki reserves her meltdown for the limo ride and you can see Jason has little to do with any of this. We see her fall into her old pattern of self flagellation and even my hard-hearted Wench Queen sheds a few tears for her, despite Stephanie being her favorite. The only time since the gutting dismissal of Bevin Powers, I might add, so if any of you are about to blast me for taking Jason to task, you can save it. There are rules, even among thieves, pirates, and skirt chasers and Jason crossed a line on this one. This is a man's take and if you don't want to hear it, don't read it.


Crocktail Party


It's time to say something about Lauren the Dominatrix. Bleh! There, I think that should cover it. Moving on. Melissa the Cheerleader, who has magically morphed into the cuddly-sounding "Mel" gets some time with Le Bandito and she talks about how 'real' it's all become. Jason studies her finger for ring sizes and kisses her senseless before he moves onto Shannon the Stalker, who practically begs, and I mean BEGS, not to be let go. Jason swallows awkwardly and pretty much rejects her kiss attempts. The shocking part is that Shannon gets it. When we see her after the dumpjob she looks as sane as we'll ever see her. Amazing! (drink) He then corners Jillian the Canuck (who we've barely seen this episode) and displaying more manners than sense, offers her his coat while they sit out back. Relax, Jason, you're in Malibu and she's Canadian. She could skinny-dip at the North Pole without your coat. Anyway, they have a talk and Jillian displays some of that well-known Canadian sanity they are justly famous for and he commends her for being a rock in his sea of insanity. He rings her up before the wingman arrives to put a halt to the festivities.



Rose Ceremony Time:

The wingman, continuing to behave strangely, lines the women up and starts pimping for Jason. Has someone hit the host on the head? Jason comes out, drops a few thousand 'amazing' bombs and hands out some flowers. Already safe: Naomi the Spicy, Stephanie the Catwoman, Molly the Bland, and 'Mel' the Cheerleader. (Heh, sorry.)

1) Melissa the Cheerleader (whistling innocently)

2) Jillian the Canuck--Rah, rah, hockey fans!

Enter wingman with an ice bag on his noggin. "Ladies, Jason--this is the last rose of the evening and I need a Midol. Whenever you're ready."

Jason then hesitates and stammers like he just made up his mind (rolls eyes)--you're right, Jason, you are the "world's worst actor" and refuses to hand out the last rose.

Dumped:

1) Shannon the Stalker--Thank you

2) Lauren the Dominatrix--Yee haw!

3) Megan, the Pirate Wench--Sniff


The send offs are a bit of a shock though, with Megan, (obviously deeply inside the Bachelor Bubble for another five minutes) crying the most and Shannon, not crying at all. Shannon is actually threatening to destroy her 'crazy girl' edit until she lands this stunning roundhouse on our chins:

"I'm going to go home, brush my teeth, and French Kiss my dog!"

Jesus Christ! Does Fleiss troll insane asylums for these girls? Somebody call the ASPCA! The poor defenseless animal.

Next week: Jason takes the final 5 to Seattle. See ya then.

1/12--Hot Lips Mesnick!

Who would have ever expected a dweeby Jewish estate planner to try and challenge all-time sleaze-king, Bob Guiney for the title of Bachelor kissing-bandit? The show, The Bachelor, is usually pretty damn predictable, it's good to see that the serial proposer isn't...or at least he's being marketed as a bit of a surprise anyway. He's certainly had the body make-over since his stint as DeAnna Pappas' meat puppet and now he looks like he's in for the personality make-over as well. He must have needed an ice bag for his lips after that performance. Four girls in one night? Not bad, even by Matt Grant standards. And that's not counting numerous cheek kisses and hugs. Producer/fiend Mike Fleiss does seem to be trying to run this one a little differently and although the episode was waaayyy too long at an hour and a half for what they had to show, it was more interesting than last week's snoozefest at least.

Things start out with a very long recap and the required Ty-Reminder, only this time the little tyke is given his walking papers and sent home to mama. (Probably so he won't see his dad acting like a total horndog). Once Ty is sent packing, the wingman, looking very casual in jeans and un-tucked shirt and sporting only his usual hair-helmet, lacquered into place, greets the women and oversees their moving into the mansion. The surprise is when he announces the date format. He tells them some of them won't be having dates with Jason every week and then announces two, one-on-one, rose-or-go-home dates, and one group-date designed to make Jason feel like an Middle Eastern Sheik consisting of him and eight babes.

Jason starts this weeks dating by arriving unannounced at the Harem Tent for a pool party. The woman are already herded out around the pool when he arrives and Jason gets a chance to show off his new bod. Amazing what HGH can do, isn't it? Jason was built a little above-average last time, but now he has the distinct look of a man who's been shopping in Barry Bonds' medicine cabinet these last few months. Bully for you, Jason. Ignore those rumors about testicular shrinkage; they're just rumors. Anyway, the party just gets started when the producers toss in a twist and deliver a rose to the affair, instructing Jason to give it to one lady and secure her for a worry-free one-on-one date. The requisite Bachelor-stealing commences and Catwoman Stephanie, shows herself to be a little too classy to break up Natalie the Barbiedoll and Jason who are having a talk we barely get to hear. Sorry, friends, I know Stephanie is a widow and seems really nice but despite a killer bod I think this woman surpasses ugly and moves to downright hideous. She must pluck her eyebrows with a weed-whacker. Man, I kept waiting for her face to melt in that Malibu sunshine. I've also seen younger women at Bingo tournaments. She seems nice but I'm sorry--I couldn't keep her.

Soon, Jason gets friendly with Jillian the Canuck . He thinks she's spunky and fun and I can't help agreeing. They talk about her weird hotdog test last week and she tells him: "If yer kraut yer out!" in that moose-jawed Canadian accent of hers. She's definitely cute but that's going to to get annoying real fast. But Don Juan Mesnick is rolling now and his next target is Lauren and she immediately starts dropping hints (or fishing more like) about leaving. Jason schmoozes her for a minute but is soon after Naomi, who tells him she cured malaria in Borneo or something. Shannon the Stalker can't stand him being alone with anyone and starts throwing ice over the balcony to break them up. Careful, Jason, the next time it might be a grenade. This chick is a loon.

Disney Date:

The round-robin of Jason-stealing soon ends and Jason bestows the special rose on Jillian the Canuck. Quick as a flash they're out the door in a limo and on their way to some Disney Pavilion Theater thingy. I've been to Epcot so I didn't find the place all that enthralling but Jillian the Canuck is mightily impressed by Uncle Walt's funky ideas about futuristic architecture. Jason parks her by a by a ledge with a view and they have dinner. When he gets up, Jillian, obviously easily impressed, asks: "You mean there's more?" Damn, woman, this is the Bachelor, ya know. You get to do some cool stuff. Like watching some white dude named Robin Thicke (who sounds like Al Jarreau) sing some jazzy tunes in a private concert. Jillian, not in the least shy, grabs Mr. Dweeb up and they dance in front of the stage. This is where The Bandit draws first blood. He moves in awkwardly but the Canuck is ready and they do some fairly steamy kissing. Cha-ching! That's one.

Blimp Date:

Back at the Harem Tent, a date card arrives and it says Melissa The Cheerleader will be going on the next one-on-one. Melissa meets Jason on the beach and in inserted private interviews Melissa cops to being nervous. "I dated the same guy from fifteen to twenty-two and I haven't had a date in three years." Huh? A Cowboy Cheerleader hasn't had a date in three years? Ok, well, stranger things have happened I suppose. Actually, no they haven't. What, was she marooned on an arctic weather station!? If she also told us her last boyfriend was a Sasquatch I wouldn't have been any more surprised. I'll assume she's not lying just for shits and giggles. Wow, Melissa the Wallflower; who woulda thunk it. Anyway, Jason feeds her some oysters and Melissa, who is an oyster virgin, does the one thing that can quicken any mans heart: She's funny. Not scripted, cue-card-reading funny either. More like no bullshit, off the cuff funny. She also opens up and tells Jason she really wants to be a first grade teacher. I can practically hear wedding bells on this one already. Jason then takes her up on a bluff and The Bandit strikes again. Cha-ching! That's two! He then hauls her up for a ride in the blimp and gives her the rose, which was as big a foregone conclusion as I've made it sound.

Arab Sheik Date:

Jason now takes eight of the remaining fifteen to a store and tells them to pick out an outfit. I have no idea why. It's not like they're going to be wearing them because it's Ta Da!--pool party time. The women come out in bikini's and the first thing I notice is that Nikki the Pageant Queen is in absolutely no danger of drowning...ever! You could drop Nikki in the center of the Pacific and she could float all the way to California with those built-in floatation devices of hers. As a matter of fact, I hope Jason doesn't try to take her on a scuba diving date because they'll never be able to get her under the water. If he's taking her to the bottom of the ocean he'll have to tie a nuclear submarine to her back and tell it to submerge. Ahem, but I digress.

Anyway, Jason tried to liven things up by dancing and despite the HGH bod and coiffed hair, he finally manages to look like...well, like a Jewish accountant. Rather pathetic but the women all act enchanted anyway. But it's mere moments before Molly the Bland, launches a surprise offensive and not only gets Jason alone but goat ropes him into kissing her. The Bandit is as ready as always and lets her have it. Cha-Ching! That's three! Natalie the Barbiedoll was watching and announces, "They're making out!" Her announcement pisses off Nikki the Pageant Queen and she smacks us with this doozy: "I take kissing seriously. I've only ever kissed one guy, and he was my boyfriend of eleven years." Huh? WTF? Has Fleiss been trolling convents to find these girls?! An eleven-year boyfriend!? I think she means "Common-law Husband", even if they never lived together. Hey, eleven years has to earn you a better title than that. But once again, I digress. Nikki jumps Natalie pretty good and it becomes obvious that Nikki has taken up the office of resident mama. More on that later. Molly the Bland scores the rose.

Naomi moves in next and her and Jason snuggle under some blankies and le Bandito strikes yet again. Cha-Ching! That's four! Nikki then gets some cuddle time under the blankets and starts to sound like Jason's friend and adviser, warning him that some of the other girls "don't know what they're in for." Jason thanks her but because he hasn't bought the ring yet there's no kissing. He then takes the women home where the five who got no date await. Raquel, the Brazilian babe, pissed that Shannon is getting all the stalking action, slips out and waits for Jason in his SUV. It's awkward to say the least and you get the impression Jason could have done more than just kiss Ms. Hottie, cameras or no. Jason, however, looks thoroughly creeped out and he ditches her.

Cocktail Party:

Raquel, Megan, Stephanie, and Lisa were the four without dates and this is there only chance to impress the Bachelor before dump time. Lisa gets the ball rolling by dumping herself, however. She tells him her granny is terminally ill and she needs to go home. Hmmmm? Wasn't granny ill before she came on the show? Nevermind. she's gone, I'll let her be.

As Jason circles the room, Catwoman Stephanie, who seems to have bonded with 2-pack-day-Megan, tells the story of hearing about her husband's plane crash. It is a tear-jerker I must say and all the women around her bawl obediently. Megan takes her chance and hauls Jason outside where Molly the Bland, already sporting a rose, steals him away. This leads to only thing that could pass as a catfight for the whole evening and it's a tempest in a teapot. The only odd thing is that the fight between Megan and Erica the Bitch is made to look like it's Erica's fault and not Megan's. A quick cutaway reveals the truly important stuff where Nikki the Pageant Queen and Melissa the Cheerleader are seen having a real adult conversation about the consequences involved in becoming engaged to a man rooted in Seattle with a son. This is, to say the least, a major departure for the show. Bachelorettes are never shown actually discussing real-world concerns about relocating, saying goodbye to friends and family, etc. That may have been the biggest shock of the evening. But it does reveal the editor's priorities. Nikki is being sold as the big favorite, which of course means she doesn't win. But don't ignore her chat partner in that one.

Rose Ceremony:

Arriving like an FTD Elf, the wingman busts up the party with thirty minutes left in the broadcast and he and Jason go and powwow. Jason breaks the "amazing meter" and tries to get half the audience, who are playing the drinking game to pass out on their floors, when describing the women. I counted at least a dozen shots of "Amazing" and Mrs. B is once again grateful I gave up drinking. There's nothing worse for a petite woman than trying to haul a 250 lbs. husband to bed after this show. The wingman joins in trying to bestow the frontrunner mantle on Nikki by prompting Jason: "Nikki has become almost like a mother figure to the other women, hasn't she?" She's toast...but not just yet.

Jason finally emerges from the deliberation room and swears to almighty bog that he'd rather sever his own toes than cut any of the women. When he's through lying, it's time.

Safe: Molly the Bland, Melissa the Cheerleader, and Jillian the Canuck all have roses.

4) 2-pack-a-day Megan-- Jason (or the producers) give a hearty F**k You! To the haters. The drama will continue.

5) Nikki the Pageant Queen--Not yet, my friends, not yet...but it can't be this obvious, can it?

6) Lauren the Hesitant--Zzzzzzzz.

7) Naomi the Spicy--Sure, why not?

8) Catwoman Stephanie--Better man than me...but that ain't too hard.

9) Kari the ????--Who? Is there a chick on this show named Kari?

10) Natalie the Barbiedoll--One in ever Bachelor crowd.

11) Shannon the Stalker--Keep your enemies close, Jason...but not too close.

12) Erica the Bitch--Needed to fill out the roster, I suppose.

That leaves the Brazilian stalker, Raquel, and 10 & 2 Sharon with the funky eyes, without roses. Since Lisa had already eliminated herself, the blood letting is over for the night.

Conclusions:

Well, sure looks like the contenders have seperated themselves from the pretenders mighty early this season. Looks like four or five players and the rest are drama filler. Pick your own favorite at this point. I'll just say this. If I were in Jason's shoes, and as obviously determined as he is to propose to whomever is left standing at the end of this show, I'd have pulled the trigger last night. Huh? What? No, seriously, I mean it. When the wingman was pimping Nikki in the deliberation room I would have nodded at him and said: "Ya know what, winger, you're right. Nikki's hot, she's got ginormous cans, and she's obviously the loyalty type. I mean, eleven years with one guy and she was never even engaged--shoot, that's loyalty. She seems to understand the challenges of an instant family and what moving in with me and Ty will be like. Ok, I'm done. Stop the cameras--I'm proposing to Nikki!" and I would have walked out and done it. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. If you re so sure you're gonna' propose to one woman after three dates and six weeks, why wait and drag it out? It's not any more loony than waiting two more weeks to do it, is it? It wouldn't be any weirder than a mail-order bride in the old days. That's about what this show is anyway.

Think about it.

Jason and the Baby-Mamas

Jason Mesnick and His Harem

The time has nearly arrived. ABC premieres it's latest edition of The Bachelor, next Monday, January 5th. This time, former MeAnna Pappas reject, Jason Mesnick is going to romance some babes and look for true love on his own. For those of you who have not already spoiled yourselves (yes, most of the top sleuther sights are now commenting that the winner has indeed leaked out even before the show airs) I present:

Barbarossa's First Annual List of Shit to Look For!

Now if you're one of those people who saves screen captures and voice recordings and then goes over them with an electron microscope and a seeing-eye dog, this list is not for you. This list is for people who actually just watch the stupid show...you know, like normal human beings. Ok, first up is Night One. That may seem obvious but the truth is that Night One shows you who the final 4 are if you just pay attention. Here's how: On the first night there are 25 women all running around getting bombed, playing the clarinet, eating beer cans, singing, twirling batons, and taking turns stealing The Bachelor away from each other. That is the part of the show that most people watch for: the bimbo parade. But that isn't where the your real competitors are hiding. With 25 women, one guy, and about an hour and a half, the truth is that there is only so much time for talking...you know, like on a real date.

With such a small amount of time and so many women for the viewer to get to know, producers/losers Mike Fleiss and Lisa Levenson have only a narrow window of time to introduce the women who are important for the arc of the season. Fleiss camouflages this under heaping layers of Circus Activity designed to both entertain and confuse, but do it he must. Viewers have no emotional stake in the show's outcome if the don't feel like they're sharing the journey with the contestants, and nobody would feel that if we were never shown anything about them. And that becomes the clearest marker as to which girls will be around for a while. Yes, I know, I know, Jason will talk with a heap of women; just don't let yourself be confused. Fleiss is like a magician--a half-trained, half-assed clown of a magician you wouldn't hire for a child's birthday party, but a magician nonetheless. He relies on distraction to divert the attention of the audience away from the real contenders by showing desperate women, who have already been fingered as losers, actress wanna-bes, and psychotics , turn themselves into Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not freaks to divert your attention from the girls who actually have a chance.

The key is simply to pay attention to any girl shown talking to Jason (not in a private interview) that sounds sweet and sane. She may relate a personal anecdote about her life, childhood, parents or some other relevant experience. Fleiss just handed you a contender on a silver platter. He took the time from a tight edit to show you someone you can relate to. (Note: this does not include girls showing Jason their bunions or an "I Got Hammered in Key West" tattoo. Only personal anecdotes.) They should be fairly easy to spot since the rest of the women will be behaving with the decorum normally seen in a chimp cage at the local zoo. That alone should give you a handful you can follow. Now, there's no guaranteeing that the girl you spot is going to be in the final 2, but it's a reasonable marker that she is going to go deep into the final 6 at least. Also, anyone seen behaving as if they need a 12-step program, dancing lessons, music lessons, a pro bono visit from Dr. Phil, or their very own Restraining Order can be summarily dismissed (or better yet, enjoyed for pure entertainment value). They won't make it into the top 8.

Remember, pay absolutely no attention to what order Jason calls out the girl's names at this or any other Rose Ceremony. This, even the soul-less Producers admit, is all rigged for maximum drama. Also disregard any bachelorette who grimaces, scowls, sneers, or pulls a face during the ceremony when a competitor gets her name called for a rose. These girls have been standing around in high heels with hangovers and aching feet for twelve hours while they filmed this bullshit; of course they sneer and grimace.

The Season Previews

Ok, if you're still confused as to which women are worth watching at this point, Fleiss is about to help you. At the end of each and every Night One Episode, they show a series of Highlights from the upcoming season. Most homes in America are now equipped with High Definition TV's and video recorders of some sort (Tivo, DVR). If you tape the previews and watch them in slow motion you will see a good number of the women you just saw survive Night One on a variety of dates with Jason. And if you watch very carefully, you'll see a few in more-exotic locations, one-on-one with Jason. There's your top 3 or even top2. Now I warn you: this is a slippery slope. You see, Fleiss wants you to buy an electron microscope and a seeing-eye dog. He knows this crap can be addictive and habit-forming, that's why he gives out the answers if you really want to look for them. He knows some people will get hooked on cracking the case and will spend their free time discussing and pimping his worthless reality show to others (like I do). Bachelor Sleuthing becomes a sport that has virtually nothing to do with the show. A new generation of Sherlock Holmes' run around examining screen captures, serial numbers on helicopters, calling potential Final 3 date location hotels and pestering the staff for information on filming dates. For people who have no life (like me) and have no interest in Star Trek Conventions, this is how we wile away our limited time on Planet Earth. Beware, you don't want to become one of us.

If All Else Fails:

Well, if you truly can't stand the suspense you can go out onto the internet and find out who won. "Barbarossa, do you mean they already know????" Uh, yeah, it would seem so. Normally sleuthers pick the winner from the methods stated above, but sometimes the sleuthing itself is spoiled because someone spills the beans. The National Enquirer used to bust it sometimes and off-shore gambling sites used to get flooded with the real winners and had to halt gambling on Reality Shows because of it. But some years some idiot just talks out of turn. Relax, dear readers, your Faithful Ship Captain won't reveal the secret here or in any other future columns. First of all: they may be wrong, (It's happened before.) but most importantly you, dear reader, may not wish to be spoiled. Far be it from me to take away your joy and delight at seeing true love develop on National TV.

Besides, you really want that electron microscope and seeing-eye dog, don't you?

"He's In Love! He's Engaged!"....OK, whatever you say, Chum.

ABC just released the pre-show press release assuring fans of Jason and of The Bachelor, that the show formula worked and Jason is head-over-heels in love with the "girl of his dreams." Ok, ok, whatever you say. But before the partying begins in earnest, my friends, it's time for a quick reality check before any of you start confusing Reality TV with Reality. I can hear some of you grumbling already. Oh, Barbarossa! We just got the news! Let us enjoy it a while before you take a giant crap on our romantic dreams! It's just a show, after all! Sorry, my friends. I can see and practically hear the swooning going on in online Bachelor-land and before that gets too far out of control it's your friendly Captains job to piss directly into your porridge. I am already hearing disturbing rumblings about people picking "favorites" and the girls pics haven't even been officially released yet. I'm also hearing (even from veteran fans) that this time is different because "Jason is really sincere!" Besides, as a veteran watcher and writer about this particular crapsack, I am charged with dousing your unrealistic expectations with a bucket of ice water. It's for your own good after all. Trust me.

An article has recently resurfaced that was originally written five years ago (complete with insider interviews of shocking honesty) that definitely should be reviewed. I'll save you the time by quoting from it directly. This article, written by Alessandra Stanley of TV Watch, was written in 2003, when the first spate of Reality TV programs were becoming astoundingly popular. It's a rare look behind the curtain of just what it is we're all still ingesting. I'll start the review with this quote, which should put your romantic ideas into proper perspective:

''We wanted to shoot the show like a soap opera,'' explained Lisa Levenson, the co-executive producer of ''The Bachelor'' series and a former producer of ''General Hospital,'' an ABC daytime soap opera. ''The principal ingredient is developing characters that viewers can relate to, or watch and think, 'At least I am not as screwed up as that person.' '' (Ms. Levenson also worked on the ''Jerry Springer Show.'')


If that last bit doesn't warn you about the nature of what we're all watching, I'll be damned if I know what will. That's right, Lisa Levenson, Bachelor co-producer, used to spend her time arranging onstage fist fights between incestuous families, trailer-trash lesbians, and perverted dwarfs. Jerry! Jerry! Quite a resume builder that is. Especially when you're also producing a dating show that requires everyone to swallow what they're seeing wholesale. Soap Operas and Springer--god, what a combo! This folks, is the same person who is trying to get you to buy that Jason Mesnick, average joe from Kirkland, Washington, has found love on her TV show and it's the real deal!

True, people have fallen in love on The Bachelor and it's sister show, The Bachelorette. But unfortunately for Levenson, and her partner in crime, Mike Fleiss, it's been a while. What this article makes so clear is just what the focus and point of this show is. (Hint: It's not people falling in love) Fleiss made it clear, they could care less about that

''If the couples break up, viewers will find that interesting, too,'' said Mike Fleiss, Ms. Levenson's co-executive producer on ''The Bachelor'' series. ''It's storytelling, and viewers are more satisfied when we work the spin.''


"The spin". Yeah. They are producing a Soap Opera-like piece of entertainment. Their goal is to craft a story that draws you into the emotional journey about the quest for love, not to pair up lonely singles. In other words, it's about as real as a pro wrestling match, and if anyone falls in love during rehearsals, well, that's just fine. But if they don't, that's fine too, just as long as they produce good drama and ratings. Barbarossa, that's fine. But this is about the people, people like Jason, and he's really sincere! Maybe, maybe not. Let's see what the icon of the this series has to say about sincerity. Trista Sutter is the poster child for this franchise. She married Colorado fireman Ryan Sutter in her own incarnation of the Bachelorette and she is the lone peg on which Fleiss and Levenson hang their coat and point to every time someone tells them their show is a pile of faked shit that never works. Let's see what Trista has to say about those smashed and broken hearts every Bachlor(ette) contestant invariably leave in their wakes:

Ms. Rehn, perhaps having snapped out of ''The Bachelorette'' trance, had a prosaic explanation for why she appeared so enamored of Charlie, the man she rejected for the poetry-writing fireman, Ryan, in the finale. ''They need to make the audience believe it is going to go a certain way,'' she told reporters on Thursday, ''so they can have a shocking ending.''

Yikes! Even saintly Trista, who followed through and actually married her fireman and procreated with him just admitted she led some poor shlub along and make sure he got blind-sided so the producers could have some drama. Holy crack smoking, Batman! You mean Trista shamelessly led some poor bastard on and then trashed him on national TV just to make the producers happy? Yep, that's exactly what that means. And that's exactly what Jason Mesnick is going to do too. He's going to encourage a set of women to fall for him, so he can slam them down. Oh, Barbarossa, not Jason! He wouldn't do that! He has a son! Really? Have they changed the premise of the show? The press release says he's gonna' start out with 25 women all trying to be the last one standing. That means that 24 women are going to be unceremoniously dumped by Mr. Wonderful. But Barbarossa, Jason will be kind about it. He won't give those bad old producer's what they want. He has too much respect for women!

Uh huh. Ok, lets see what the producers say about that:

Ms. Levenson explained that even the most unpracticed contestants go into what she calls ''The Bachelor bubble.'' Isolated from newspapers, friends, television or any other distraction from the show, participants develop ''Stockholm syndrome,'' and identify with the producers' goals. ''They do not want to screw up, and they want it to be as dramatic for the viewers as it is for them,'' Ms. Levenson explained

Hehehe. Yep. They deliberately isolate the contestants so the can promote a Stockholm Syndrome among them. No wonder Jason always grimaces like he's making a hostage tape; he is. If Jason has so much respect for women (and himself) why is he doing this show? So he can fall in love--squeeee! Uh, no. He can do that at home. Jason has chosen to do this on national television with about 7 million people watching. He is no rube either. As a previous contestant on the MeAnna Pappas Bachelorette, he knows the ropes. He has agreed to take part in a show that you have just seen the producers refer to as a Soap Opera. He knows most of his fellow cast members want careers in show biz and that they came on the show for exposure. What does Jason hope to gain by this? I have no idea, but the fact there is more to this than just falling in love is what I just called it: a fact! What his true motivations are, I neither know nor care. I just know he has them and the fact he is going to drag his three year-old son into this is nothing short of loathsome, in my opinion...but that's his business.

I'm not trying to put people off watching this show. As you all know, I'm about as sanctimonious as someone on death row. If Jason wants to run his life this way fine by me. I'm just trying to make sure that my faithful readership (that would be both of you) keeps in mind just what we are watching. If this thing works at all, it will be as a happy byproduct of the process of creating Soap Opera quality entertainment. And know that many of you will soon sour on Jason Mesnick. You will start to like some contestant and then see Jason dump her. Popularity as a contestant on this show is one thing; popularity as the Bachelor himself? Ah, that's another. Meanwhile, caveat emptor, my friends.