8/1--Fiji Finale; The Skinhead Stands Alone

The Happy Couple

And so it ends; one guy stands, the other falls. What a weird season this has been. Ashley Hebert's long slog to find a fiance finally ended with her picking New York elder statesman, J.P. "The Skinhead" Rosenbaum in Fiji. You can bet most fans walked away with a sense of getting their money's worth as the love story came to fruition on the beaches of Fiji. True, the fans of "Vino" Ben Flajnik were less than enamored by a lot of things, but the end has been reached. It definitely came with a different spin on the same old format too. For once, the family of the Bachelorette really did leave her "more confused than ever"... for about 5 minutes. After that? Captain Obvious re-took the con of this ship and sailed it into Heartbreak Harbor, stopping only long enough to torture wine merchant Ben by letting him humiliate himself by tossing out a proposal only to have it batted back in his face. Needless cruelty is always a Bachelor hallmark.

Twister Sister

Chrystie Adds Some "Corn". Ashley's older, skanky, loud-mouthed sister

This may have been the loveliest spot they have ever chosen for a finale before. After a season of touring monsoon hotspots, they moved the last two weeks to the South Pacific paradise of Fiji and just let the beauty flow in. It's here in paradise, that Ashley's family has arrived and perhaps for the first time in show history, their visit will turn into a critical act in the final play. Ashley's mom, step-dad, and little brother all show, but the big kahuna of this family is Ashley's older sister, the deliciously named Chrystie Corns. We saw her during Womack's last season up in Maine. Ashley's older sister bears a very strong resemblance to little sister, but is covered in garish tattoo's and is possessed of a very loud mouth. I didn't know until this morning that she is also on a TV show about couponing. You know what kind of show I'm talking about; those new shows where people with OCD clip a million coupons and then go buy out their local Kroger and get all the items basically for free? Their basements are stocked with forty-thousand rolls of toilet paper and they spend their families into the gutters on shelving just to hold all of their pelf? Yeah, real sane stuff. Anyway, sister is there to ride roughshod on the two remaining guys, one in particular. Ashley meets with her family and the other three are literally cardboard props as big mouth takes center stage.

J.P. Gets Some Family Lovin'

J.P is up first and he confidently predicts success with Ashley's clan. Ashley greets the close-shaved one on the beach and leads them up to meet the family. They clown around in front of the family and sit down for a brief meal. Mom welcomes J.P. into the family after 5 minutes while sister Chrystie watches them carefully. She then starts pecking away with questions, "Does he make you laugh?" Ashley stares blankly, "Uhhhhh...I make myself laugh." Chrystie's lip curls and here we go. A pow wow of family girls is called inside and sis drops the bomb: "This isn't the one. You're not yourself around him." The writing is on the wall of every structure in Fiji as Ashley breaks down and bawls. She's cried a lot this season but these are heaving sobs, and her choice of men is evident. Chrystie finally takes J.P. aside and trades "Corns" for "Horns" and gores him. "There's nothing you can do to change my mind. You're older, set in your ways. I thought she was more herself with Brad." Yikes! He got "Womacked"! Chrystie pounds away and J.P replies with all the right answers--compromise, a new life--but it matters not. Sister has judged and that's that. J.P. wanders away in a dazed stupor and he and Ashley go for a walk on the beach, and then things get really serious. Ashley fails to leap to his defense and basically tells him Chrystie has shaken her confidence in 'them'. Understandably upset, J.P. wanders away angrily. How this guy ever proposed, beats me. Meeting adjourned.

Vino Ben's Comedy Act is a Hit!

Younger, hipper, Vino Ben, filled with a confusing blind confidence he will ooze the entire night is up next. But before Ben can go and win plaudits, Ashley is still hung up over her sister's abrupt dismissal of J.P. and they meet for a seat on a wall and have a heated argument. Evident immediately, is just how powerful a personality Chrystie has. Ashley is dying for her approval, but big sister won't back off an inch. She says some things that make no sense "...you're an adult. I'm not going to sugarcoat it..." while at the same time "...I'm trying to save you from yourself." Contradictory much? But she also says some pretty honest things too, "You don't want my opinion! You just want me to agree with you!" Maybe Chrystie is just a loud-mouthed attention-whore; maybe she wants her own reality show, but this all looks damned honest; a family dynamic borne from a dysfunctional upbringing with the older sister assuming the mother role and the younger sister trying to break free from being the daughter. Whatever it is, its a mess. Ashley calls her a "bitch" and I suppose she was being one. She was certainly unfair and judgmental to J.P., but I'm having trouble faulting her. Ashley said she valued her sister's opinion way above her mother's, and you can see why. Weird family; weak mom; powerful older sister; and weaker younger sister. Credit though, they must have survived some tough times with this dynamic and you do what you must to survive. Regardless, here comes Ben, looking smug with confidence and its good (but confusing) to see. Ben handles this meeting the way he handles everything the entire night: with wit, charm, and real emotion, but also with a confidence that was as blind as Stevie Wonder. Where that came from we'll probably never know. Ashley greets him on the beach and leads him up to his own inquisition. They sit down with the family and instantly he and Ashley break into their comedy duo act of dueling dog voices. Ashley suddenly morphs into the giggling, hyper-active, Madawaska cheerleading captain. Chrystie smiles at her and nods. This is her little sister, not the demure, contained, older woman she was with J.P. Chrystie takes Ben out by the pool and warns him: "I've got some tough questions."
Ben smiles confidently, "I've heard. Shoot."
Chrystie batters away and Ben never breaks a sweat batting them back at her with ease. Chrystie glows and looks like she wants to jump him. Ashley walks Ben away and he is all smiles, certain he has won. Meeting adjourned.

Vino Ben's Foul Mudhole

Save it! Mudholes stink! They're not sexy, not erotic, and just plain gross. Watching these two coat each other with the bottom sludge of some fetid pond was just nasty; and speaking of nasty, what's with Ashley honking Ben's junk in the mudhole? He looked as surprised by that as I was. Wonder what Super Fiance thought of that little gesture? Regardless, wearing an orange shirt and old man hat, Ben finally gets a ride on a helicopter before he gets mud slimed and honked and he and Ashley do their usual peck-kissing while the sun is up. Once cleaned up, she heads over to his digs so he can drop the L-Bomb on her and they can make out. He pins her to the bed sucking her face off so J.P. can have something to store on VHS he can play every time he and have Ashley have a fight and he can get drunk and furious watching. She finally leaves and Ben is over the moon. Date over.

J.P.'s Hardsell

J.P.'s final date consisted of Ashley channelling her look-a-a-like sister and pounding him with pushy, agressive questions and J.P. responding with real, heartfelt assurances and pleas to hold onto her. Regardless, next time J.P. gets her naked, he earned the right. The guy held on furiously to what he thought was his, "Your sister is wrong!" he spent the entire time talking her off the ledge and then L-Bombed her before pleading, "Try not to break my heart?" Good stuff. Maybe even great stuff. Time will tell. As night falls, J.P. keeps up the full court press by giving her a scrapbook inscribed with a love letter that was a beaut. If that didn't seal the deal, then he didn't need her. But the time has come for...


Float Planes, Proposals, and Broken Hearts

Ashley awakes the next morning and writes in her journal. "I sooooo honked Ben's bobo yesterday and now I'm gonna' dump him. I wonder if Chrystie will think I'm a big whore..." and then gets ready for her big day. She lacquers up her fake eyelashes and dons her $17,000 dress as both boys go ring shopping. Neil Lane has once again set up his Ring & Hot Dog stand and awaits them. Vino Ben goes first and exudes more blind confidence as he picks out a rock and launches a Neil Lane commercial: "This is a Forever Ring." Good job, Ben. J.P. follows up and is already sweating like a prosecution witness about to testify against the Gambino Family. Lane plays bartender and asks him some questions about his "journey" and J.P can hammer his theme of a "Leap of Faith." Boy boys armed, they wash, dress and head to the float planes. Ashley wanders around the Final Rose Ceremony site--a beautiful beach inlet--and awaits them. Both boys fly in and finally the first lands. Out pops Vino Ben where the wingman awaits, and Harrison walks him to his doom. Bouncing with foolish confidence, Ben charges down to her and when she starts to dump him, he cuts her off and gushes. Filled with fool's confidence she stares at him as he falls down to a knee and smiling like a loon, launches a proposal. Then she reaches down and picks him up. Boo! That sucked! Needless. Hell, even J.P will watch that tape and look at his fiancee and ask, "What the fuck did you do that for?" There was no call for that. Ashley could have and should have stopped him regardless of what the producer's told her. Low blow! Ben stares at her, now fully awake to his humiliation and says, "Wow. I didn't see that coming. I guess that's it," and he stalks off. She gives chase up the stairs. He didn't shout, didn't cuss at her, but the guy is humiliated, stunned, and pissed. Argh. Argh! Argh!! Damn right, Ben Flajnik; you just got shitcanned and needlessly humiliated on National TV! You've got every right to be pissed! For the first time since Chelsea nearly tossed British wanker, Matt Grant into the Pacific for dumping her in favor of Shayne "Dalai" Lamas, we have an f2 who was truly invested and completely furious at being blown off. Props to the winemaker! Ashley tries to stop him at the top of the stairs but Ben dismisses her, "I don't need you to sugarcoat it! Nothing this good can ever end well--it just can't!" and he marches away, does a PI, and then climbs into a John Boat and is sailed away out into the open Pacific so he can presumably drowned himself if he wishes.

Briefly, they show Ashley crying over Ben but quickly cutaway to try and restore the good mood as J.P's plane circles in and lands. Harrison, who obviously managed to avoid Ben on his way out, greets J.P. and walks him down the same path he took Ben in on. Say what you will, but both guys were totally clueless about what was about to happen. Ben was blindly confident and got bushwhacked; J.P. looks ready to be sick and when he gets to Ashley he (wisely) goes into a 5-minute preamble waiting for her to tip her hand before he makes his move. At last she kisses him and calls him "Baby." The green light given at last, he drops to a knee and launches one. Acting like she's still dispensing roses instead of getting marriage proposals, she hesitates dramatically before saying "Yes!" He rings her up and suddenly every other word out of her mouth is "Baby!" Maybe she's been saying that all along and they've edited it out, but I doubt it. They then wander into the surf making out so she can ruin her $17,000 dress and Fleiss can blare, I Can't Fight This Feeling...

ATFR: Chrystie Has Her Crow Served Cold

But before big sis gets her comeuppance, Ben is brought out to relive his humiliation Live. Harrison comes flouncing out with his hair teased up wearing a pin-striped number and brings Ben out on stage. The wingman gives him props for getting pissed off and they visit with each other. Ben stays classy, but affected and the women in the audience go wild. Ashley is brought out to avoid the one question he wants answered like a skilled politician: "When did you know?"
"Blather, blather, blather, not telling, blather."
"Ok."
Ben departs and J.P is brought out to celebrate the fact he is engaged and didn't bother to shave today. They "oohh" and "awww" and sister Chrystie is wrangled up into the hotseat to apologize to J.P. and Ashley. Both look at her with smug grins. Ashley may be the little sister, but she is a one month away from an Ivy League Doctorate in Dentistry and is sitting alongside her fiance who is some sort of big noise in the New York construction industry. She stares at her sister, who is covered in tattoo's, divorced, a couponing queen, and all alone. Yeah, I guess she was allowed to look smug. Family harmony is restored as Chrystie bites the bullet and swallows the crow.
Season Over.

Ok, out into the world I release the couple for the truly hard part. They've spent the last three months hunkered down together in a foxhole while the media, tabloids, and internet nuts like me have thrown stones at them. Now, the hard part of folding one another's lives into one and living to tell, all while the paparazzi photograph them from bushes and their every argument is reported by "friends" on Twitter. Good luck, kids. But I will do them the favor I do for all Bachelor couples once their season's end: I'll leave them alone.

Next week: Its back to drunken whoring with avarice and greed in full display without even the hypocritical threat of love. That's right, next week, Bachelor Pad 2 premieres and your Old Ship's Captain will be on the trail this season. For all my readers who skip that cesspool of the decline of Western Civilization, I'll see you in the fall when somebody (Probably Douchy Ryan but maybe Vino Ben) returns as the next Bachelor! See ya then!

7/31--The Men BORE All

I've come to expect very little from these recap shows, but this one failed to meet even my low ball expectations. This will be a short recap.

The show starts with a taped Ashley piece so she can catalogue her "journey". Artfully edited out were the parts where her seething anger at the way the show kept her in the dark about Big Head Bentley and his real (and edited) douchebaggery came into play. The only thing obvious other than her understandable anger was the crushing effect being an internet dartboard of criticism has cost her. Her relief that the end is finally in sight was manifest. But hey, nobody said paying off those Dental School loans was gonna' be a bowl of cherries, dear. They walk through the season that had few highlights early on.

Harrison now moves to the outtakes, which are usually hilarious. I say usually because these weren't all that funny. Exceptions were J.P. the Skinheads first 1-on-1 date where he destroyed a home entertainment center, couldn't work a DVD player, and then had Ashley fall asleep on him. Harrison tried to stir some comedy by discussing with Ashley things the viewers noticed during the broadcast that the production didn't; a bowl of fruit arranged by a clever staffer to look like a man's junk, and Ashley keeping Vaseline by her bedside. (Obviously these things were noticed by the other 4 male viewers besides myself. Women aren't famously known for spotting a cock and balls masquerading as a banana and two oranges and understand a jar of Vaseline is more likely used for chapped lips than a sex lube. Yuck for kissing her at night though.) 

The Real Point of the Broadcast

A Fan at the Taping of The Man BORE All

Now we come to it. The theme of the entire night--the guests, the former cast mates, and the previews--were really all about pimping Bachelor Pad 2, which starts on Monday, August 8th. (Yes, the Blast will be covering that trainwreck this year as just another chapter in my quest to get the hell away from Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka, and his whiny, former fiance, Vienna Sausage.) Various love triangles and drunken make-out sessions were highlighted. Seated in the audience were three of the former cast members who will be joined by current ones, Blake, the Smarmy Dentist, William the Unfunny Wiseman, and Eraser Head Ames.  Michelle Money, Justin Rated-R Wrassler Dick and the formerly glacier-stranded Kasey Mushmouth Kahl, who from the looks of things, seems to have run into Vienna Sausage at a meeting of the Strange Bedfellows Society and can't seem to get rid of her, were all in attendance. Bet he wishes he's stayed on that glacier now. Should be funny to watch him try and guard and protect her vagina around all those other wolves.

The Men

Man, I almost slept through all of this. Things highlighted or reinforced: William is a d-bag; Jeff, the Mask is a d-bag; Tim the drunk was indeed bombed night one to the point of blacking out and was meeting his fellow cast members for the first time; Nick, (sans) Horrible Hair Highlights, got to be Harrison's co-host for the night and scored serious face time; Constantine Hercules was nearly silent (and he liked it that way) and chicks all want to bring Eraser Head Ames home and keep him as a highly intelligent pet. Sunny Ryan got his Bachelor candidacy off to a solid start by looking somewhat earnest and even more like a dork than before by admitting he had read books (and took piles of notes) on how to ask Ashley good questions? Blake reacted exactly like I did to Ryan's over-the-top meltdown when Ashley dumped him, but that doesn't matter. Ryan got a ton of face time, a trip to the Warm Seat, and he actually shaved his nasty five o'clock shadow. He's in.

Michelle Money

Since Bentley had enough sense to stay home, Michelle Money got a seat near Harrison to blandly explain her texts to Ashley warning her about Bentley before the show started. We learned nothing here except that Michelle is still ungodly beautiful and when not acting like a hired villain, she's actually pretty nice. Expect major image rehab on Bachelor Pad for her.


Ali, DeAnna, and Jason

Rumors say these three will be acting as Bachelor Pad judges this season, so they were all trundled out to give Ashley advice on how to handle the scrutiny of being the Bachelorette. Wouldn't this have been a bit more helpful before she filmed it? Nevermind. They all show up and remind us that they are all engaged to or married to people they met on the show, or in DeAnna's case, through it. Other than that, they join Ashley and empathize as she melts down about just what a brutal beating this job is. Future famewhores beware.

Bloopers:

Hysterical! No, not really. Funny though, especially seeing Harrison deliver his famous "last Rose of the Evening" speech with his fly down and seeing Ashley nearly blinded when a moth flew into her fake eyelashes. Still much better than the rest of the show, as always.

The Finale

Ok, J.P and Vino Ben are still out there circling in float planes and waiting for Ashley and Harrison to get back to Fiji and get this over with. The finale is Monday Night and I'll be around to Blast it on Tuesday. We'll see ya then.

7/18--Hometown Harmony

This is Why I Get the Big Money, Kids!

It figures that with a season as depressing, mopey, and dour as this one, that we would get hometown dates that went swimmingly well. While the rest of Ashley's season as the Bachelorette has been about as interesting and fun as touring a landfill, the hometowns came off without a hitch. It was all smelling like roses, or bittersweet persimmons anyway, as Ashley finally gave up trying to ruin the Asian tourist trade and returned to the States to jaunt around and meet the families of the four guys she has left. And since Harrison had a bottle of scotch and an "important commitment" (see photo); Ashley starts us off with a look inside her very modest student apartment while she packs and recaps the guys for us. There are zero surprises as she highlights the men's strengths and we also see that Ashley fills another important qualification to be the Bachelorette: she has a piece of shit little dog. Now that's different.

My Big Fat Greek Family

Cumming, Ga.--First up is the twin brother of Vino Ben: Constantine Hercules, a guy way too normal for this show. Constantine, who hails from the Deep South, is Greek, but he happens to own an Italian Restaurant from some reason. I seem to remember that DeAnna, who is also Greek, came from the same part of Georgia. I wonder if there may be an enclave. Anyway, he meets Ashley by a lake in a park and they canoodle around on a park bench before Constantine takes her to his restaurant for some free advertising. They go to Giorgio's (Named after...Uncle Georgia?) and he guides her into the kitchen and they make a pizza. Stacking a pie with various ingredients, he fills his hands with mozzarella, looks at Ashley (but probably said to the director) "Is this cheesy enough?" Oh, you know it is, Dino. Once they're done, he takes her to the outside portion of the dining area so the restaurant waitresses can crowd around the window, ignore any other customers, and "ohh", and "aahh". The commercial over, its now over to mom and dads to meet the family. Awaiting them are Constantine's father, Dmitri, his MILFY mamma, Eleni, and his major league hottie sister, Maria. Mamma Eleni cuts straight to the chase and hauls Ashley aside and asks the big question: Since Constantine is a restauranteur and a local boy, would Ashley be willing to relocate? Ashley, smiling happily, assures mamma that in the one in a million chance she actually falls in love with her son, she'll be happy to relocate to Georgia, or frozen hell, whichever. Pleased, mama praises Ashley in a PI, and for some reason I'm surprised when I hear the Georgia twang from the Greek mama. I won't have that problem once daddy Dmitri gets going. Sounding like Zorba the Greek, pops tells Constantine to simmer down, and not to rush. Pops is solid. So is mom, and sis is hot. Great family. After dinner, when they get up to leave, the director cues the 4,000 Greeks they've had stashed in the garage and in comes My Big Fat Huge-Assed Greek Family. The living room is suddenly filled to bursting with every aunt, uncle, granny, and kiddie Greek you can imagine; they may have even borrowed a few of DeAnna's army of relatives, because if they didn't, Greeks must now make up the ethnic majority in Georgia. They spontaneously start Greek dancing, since its a well known fact that no more than 4 Greeks can get within 10 feet of one another without being require to dance and shout "Opa!" A fat uncle tosses cash everywhere as Ashley the dancer joins in and merry is had by all. Some 4 year-old Greek relative, showing wisdom beyond her years, stops dancing and collects the floating cash while Ashley parades around and is made an "Honorary Greek." Ashley and Constantine finally depart about 5 feet out onto the driveway, so half of the 4,000 Greeks can watch them share a tepid peck from the door and shout "Opa!" once more. Ashley gushes to the camera, "I've fallen in love with Constantine's family!" Ehh, Constantine not so much though. Date over.

The Eraser Head Goes for Broke and Comes Up Empty

Chadds Ford, Pa.--Yep, nothing snotty about that name of that town. Its on to the succulent meadows and meandering golf courses of Rich People, Pennsylvania; home of Ivy League Overeducated Finance 'bot, Eraser Head Ames; a guy who has grown on me as this season has progressed. I expected Ames to be from Money, how could he not be? And I wasn't disappointed either. As Ashley pulls up in this beautiful region, we see Ames throw us a curveball, however. Used to seeing him dressed like a yacht captain or a circus clown, Ames has raided Constantine's closet on the way out of Asia and goes for the rugged lumberjack look of flannel and jeans. Trying to show some macho, Ames waits on her and when she gets out of the SUV he jogs over and he, he....well,....that looked a bit gay there, Ames. Well not gay really, just a touch effeminate, especially with the baby blue boxers exploding out from around your waistband. C'mon son, I'm trying to cut ya a break here and you're not helping. Anyway, Ashley, transparent as ever, hugs him like what he is: a friend she kept around because he was a nice guy and fun to talk to. That's all. She had thrown the friend card down on him from the first night. Awaiting them is Ames' family: mother Jane, sister Serena, and his brother, Jim. The family senses Ames is in over his head almost at once. Sister Serena, immediately tells us she sees a light in Ames' eyes that lets her know he is thrilled, but sees nothing coming from Ashley. She sits her down and Ashley, to her credit, basically tells sis there is nothing between her and Ames without too much polite obfuscation. "Our relationship has developed much slower than the others." Sis nods and goes to find her brother. She tells him what Ashley said and tell him he better get moving if he wants a chance. Ames nods, and with his baby blue boxers sticking out everywhere, he takes Ashley to a magnolia tree in a beautiful park. The baby blues safely stashed behind denim, they sit among the soft falling petals of the magnolia with wine, brie, and caviar and Ames goes all poetic and starts saying outrageously smart things again. "I want Italian love. The Italians love ordinary love; they see the extraordinary in the ordinary." Ames lets us know he lost both father and stepfather and went to high school at a boarding school (surprise!) and was basically a very unpopular nerd. Ashley looks like she wants to hug him and whisper, "Sorry!" Firing his last bolt, Ames takes her for a horse and carriage ride along the Brandywine and still nothing. Shame, really. Date over.

A Family Still Reeling

Sonoma, Ca. Now that Ames is about to be dispensed, its obvious that unless something else goes tragically wrong from here on out, that Harrison, if he finishes with Minnie Mouse and the scotch, should just go ahead and be a no-show at the Rose Ceremony as well. But the visits continue anyway, and that means its time for Ashley the Former Lush to visit her dream area of North America: Wine Country. Sonoma, California, home of the first of the two fan-favorites, Vino Ben, is her next target. Ben greets her at his vineyard and they tour the fields and stop off at his wine storgage barn to taste the goods. Ashley, who was more drunk last season than any serious contender I've seen, must have gotten a load of herself on TV, remembered her alcoholic father living in the cardboard box, and called a halt. She has barely sipped anything this season, and has never looked even buzzed. That trend continues here, as she and Ben sip his vino but barely wet their lips. As rain falls, they crowd up on somebody's front porch and thus begins a series of pretty damn serious discussion, most of them centering around Ben and his passed away father. Ashley's eyes pop when she hears that she is only the second girl to meet his mom, and the "commitment phobe" red flags fly up her lanyard like a Hurricane Warning. Ben explains his insular nature since his father's death and Ashley asks tough--but fair--questions. Ben's explanations are given life when they go to meet his family. Greeting them nervously are his mom and sister, Julia; who looks a ton like last season's mortician-hottie, Shawntel Munster. Yum. But it turns out sis is one tough cookie. They never say if she is Ben's older or younger sister, but she sure acts like an older one. Sis expreses her doubts and even has a private get down with her brother, questioning the wisdom of this whole thing. Mom shows some pictures of her kids while she and Ashley talk about her passed husband and the effect it had on Ben and his sister. Truthfully, the most illuminating thing on the whole date was Ben's talk with his mother, where he apologizes for going AWOL on her and his sister when dad died. Its a good moment for the family, but I'm not sure its a great one for Ben and Ashley. The thing whole thing, pleasant and of a healing nature though it was, was loaded with potential red flags. Ben acts eaten up by guilt about how he acted and it would have been easy for Ashley to read some of his comments as being told she would always come behind mom and sis in his eyes. The date ends with Ben crying in a private interview about his father, but he's saved the pussy label because he cried about one of the few exemptions written into the International Mancode; crying about your passed father. Date over.

J.P.'s Terrified Family

Roslyn, N.Y.--Man; I'd love to know just what happened to J.P when his last relationship ended. In all the seasons I've watched this show, I've never seen a family more terrified that their guy is gonna' get dumped; and all of them finished every terrified cringe with the remark "...like happened last time!" Wow, J.P. The Human Grenade. But before we can get to their terrorfest, J.P. meets Ashley on Long Island near a duck pond and takes her to the roller rink. As they skate up, Ashley lets us know that she roller blades and figure skates, but is nervous about being on roller skates? Ok. Anyway, both she and J.P make it around the rink in apparent silence, while we at home are bombarded by Kevin Cronin and REO Speedwagon and their 30-year High School reunion favorite, I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore. How do I know this? Because the second J.P. takes a spill, the music abruptly stopped. How cheesy. They leave the rink with kisses all around and head over to the meet the Bomb Squad J.P's family. Dad Peter, who must be a mute, Mom Ilene, Brother Roy and his girlfriend, Andrea smile and greet them before things turn serious. Mom Ilene is the first to get breathless with fear. She sits her son down and does the 'ol "...like last time!" bit. J.P. assures her that he and Ashley have a deeper connection than she does with anyone else. Ashley moves into mom's terror seat and Mom trembles that J.P might get dumped. We never see what Ashley actually says to mom, but her fears are instantly allayed. Meanwhile, brother Roy is cringing in a sit down with his brother. "I'm afraid...like last time!" J.P assures him he is ready to get hurt if necessary while in the other room mom looks ready to throw a party and dad sits in his chair like a big lump. Ashley and J.P. talk and Ashley does express concern about why its been so long since J.P has been in a serious relationship since he's so old. Ouch! J.P just grins and shrugs again. Finally mom, now euphoric, whips out a huge framed photo of J.P.'s bar mitzvah that J.P. himself accurately pegs as looking like "Kirk Cameron." Date over

Cocktail Party
I see the wingman managed to shake loose from Minnie Mouse and he greets Ashley at the Bachelor Mansion and good lord, Ashley looks good in a supertight black dress. Wow, her best look of the season. They sit down and Ashley praises Constantine's family "best hometown by far!" and generally recaps what we just saw without a hiccup. Harrison bolts for the open door as she stands to deliberate and there is no sign of indecision this time.
Harrison and the boys wait in the next room and the only thing that looks different is Ben's hair. Obviously feeling penitent to mom, who had ragged his stringy locks at home, Ben has gotten a haircut, but I'm sure I like it any better than my wife did.

Roses:
1) Vino Ben--maybe red flags or not. Or a good setup as the next Bachelor. We'll see.

2) J.P. The Human...the Skinhead--I better watch myself or his legions of wild-eyed female fans will lynch me.

Wingman: Ashley, gentleman, it's the last rise of the night. Ames, you are a unique person. I'll see you on Bachelor Pad, and I was NOT with Minnie Mouse!

3) Constantine Hercules--ho hum. "Is that rose for me? Really? I barely noticed."

Dumped: Eraser Head Ames, aw, damn, what a shame. Poor Ames starts looking around like Sunny Ryan popped out from behind a drape and punched him in the noggin again. The guy is stunned, and in a millisecond you can see the horrifying memories of being a nerd in a boarding school and the nightmare of a thousand wedgies come over his face. But maintaining his cool, Ames pastes his perma-grin on, and tries to wink at Ashley. She walks him out and he maintains the class, "You are an exceptional person," shakes her hand and gets into the limo. The guy is just crushed. Can't get mad at Ashley; there was just nothing there, but it's a shame. I'm sure there is a lot of sweetness being sent out to Ames, but most of the women I've spoken to about the guy like him like Ashley did; he's just not alpha male enough.
Although I've stayed away from the blizzard of spoilers on the net about Ashley's season, I have looked at the Bachelor Pad spoilers to see if I want to blog about this year. And lo and behold, who is there, but the Eraser Head. And according to what I saw, Ames gets himself a hook up, and damn if he doesn't seal the deal in true Ames fashion. Sally forth, Good Eraser Head and take not counsel of your boarding school fears, and when you're done plying her with you cultural erudition and poetry, how about knockin' the bottom of that a few times for your old redbeard. Remember, your Captain believes in you.

Next week: Off to Fiji for the Fantasy Dates. See ya then.

7/11--They Call Her the Wanderer

Hey I got a cute idea: let's wander around, shall we? Just in case you were wondering; there it is, the entire script for all 10 Bachelorette episodes this season. Man, I hate to say this, especially since I like Ashley (she's sorta-a-little-kinda-hot, in that "maybe I could have actually scored with her when I was younger" type of way, as opposed to say, Emily Maynard; who if she saw me coming would leap to the other side of the street from a mile off.  Yes, I mean she has her own teeth, her own boobs, and looks absolutely ridiculous in false eyelashes; but I like her. True, they have to hide her great huge forehead under professionally coiffed hair, and she gets a little nutso when she hits the sauce {which this season is NEVER!}, and she seems to have developed a sudden allergy to hot tubs, and the only kind of kissing she seems to do on camera is closed mouthed, chaste, and stiff, but I like her. I can't help it, I really do. She's bubbly; she's a regular gal; she's an extremely well-educated professional. True, her taste in men is worse than Mrs. Hannibal Lecter's, but I like her.) this season has sucked! Just to try and cheer myself up, I picture Executive Producer/Human Drain Field, Mike Fleiss, seated in his ritzy digs watching the final cut of these episodes with his forehead in his hands wailing, "Oh, Chantal! How could you desert me?" Its also cheering to imagine Chantal O'Brien handling the part instead of Ashley. Chantal, who spent her interim months after Brad dumped her, getting engaged to some lucky bastard in Seattle, probably sits on her fancy couch watching these episodes with said bastard and laughing, "Man, I would have assaulted that guy!" when Ashley offers up one of her tepid pecks; and damned easy to imagine said bastard raising a steely, Clark Gable-like eyebrow at her, and then assaulting her. Poor Fleiss. If Chantal had been on board, instead of hanging out with that lucky bastard, we wouldn't be wandering around Asia watching tepid pecks handed out sober on park benches.  Eraser Head Ames would have smoke coming out of his ears, I'd bet. Poor us. Poor me.

Paging Dr. Howard; Dr. Fine; Dr. Sun Yat-Sen?

Well I better quit digressing (and fantasizing) and get to it. It is what it is. And what it is, is some strange commercial for Taiwan, which I didn't know needed any advertising. You may remember Taiwan; its the country that we used to call Nationalist China before Big China got pissed off and demanded we call them the "one and only China" or they would invade Taiwan and stop selling us shower clogs and rubber dog shit. Since many a U.S. president values the rubber dog shit market, we gave in. So, Taiwan is now just the little island off Real China's coast where I'm wishing Chantal O'Brien was this week instead of being assaulted on her couch by some lucky bastard. Regardless, Harrison is in the house, so we're go. Ashely starts off the episode by wandering around a few city squares and explaining to a new generation of Americans where we get our rubber dog shit from while the wingman gathers the boredom survivors and pimps for Taiwan's 100th Anniversary. Ok. The town-center-crowd-clearings paid for, the winger lays out the date line-up for the week: there will be three, 1-on-1 dates with no roses anywhere in sight; and one, terrible Group Date. Harrison packs the boys off and here we go.

Constantine Demonstrates Why He is Not the Next Bachelor

Yea, I was wrong. This guy's got too much sense to be the Bachelor. What's all this "Take it slow; let it happen naturally" shit? What a killjoy you are Hercules. C'mon, make like Sunny Ryan and fall in love halfway through one solo date. What the hell's the matter with you? You think this is some kind of wandering frat party? Look at your bromance buddy, Vino Ben; he's in the bubble. Stop being normal! Jeesh. Anyway, Constantine heads out to meet Ashley at a train station, but since we're Big Head Free for the first time this week (I won't say the name if you don't) that means we need a new, troubling sub-plot. And that sub-plot is J.P., The Skinhead, who winds up instantly into what will become an episode-long jealous tirade about how he is sick of sharing "his woman" with these other turds. (More on that later). Ashley picks up Constantine and takes him on a steam train ride to a tiny village inside the Taipei countryside. She whines about how slow her relationship with him has been as they ride through the jungle while Hercules plays it casual as usual. The arrive in Ping-Shi village where they, they wander around. He piggybacks her over to some paper lanterns and she forces him to paint their wishes onto them. They grab the lantern and head off while back at the freebie hotel another date card has arrived. Vino Ben scores another 1-on-1, much to the consternation of Sunny Ryan, who has scored nothing but irritation to this point, and the fury of J.P. Back at dinner, Ashley and Constantine eat and have a chat. Constantine makes all sensible and intelligent again. Boo! She finally quits grilling him and they share some closed-mouthed, stiff pecks and release their Wish Lantern. Right on the director's cue, a bunch of locals releases their lanterns skyward and it does look pretty cool. Date over.

Vino Ben Discovers "the Bubble"

Finally deciding to showcase some cool Asian vistas, Ashley takes Vino Ben to Taroko National Park to wander around amidst the gorges and skip bungee jumping on a suspension bridge. Ashley packs him off onto a moped and he drives them (gasp! No one tell DeAnna or Ali) the wrong way down a one-way into the park. They drive around on some scenic roads and he drools on her a bit. While Ben is scoring some tepid kisses on the no jumping suspension bridge, yet another Date Card arrives and tells Lucas, the Texas Cowboy, J.P. the Jealous Skinhead, and my man, Eraser Head Ames to get ready for a really crappy group date. Sunny Ryan finally gets his chance to dance around and spike one in the endzone when he does the math and figures out he gets the 1-on-1 at last. Ryan explodes with "Golly-Gee-isms" while we head back to Ashley and Ben. Darkness has fallen and Ben starts the evening by confessing to the camera that he is ready to be a Fleiss-stooge, "I'm falling in love with Ashley, but I'm not ready to tell her yet." Ouch. Best of luck, buddy. Ben earns some Argh! by showing some confidence and sounding very genuine about the whole thing. He confesses he is on the tipping point of falling in love and sounds like a coerced, but genuine dude. He gets close to the "L' word and Ashley grimaces. With her, that could mean she is horny, has cramps from the crab they ate, or thinks he needs to simmer down; I have no idea. But they kiss and we get some nice scenery. Date over.

Ames and Lucas Get Shafted

In a painful repeat of the time-wasting date that started this season involving future non-comedian, William the Wise in Las Vegas, the producers decide to stage some Taiwanese wedding photos that aren't going to happen either. Just to add some cruelty, two of the alleged "groomsman" are forced to dress like circus clowns, while the biggest crybaby in the group gets to dress like James Bond and picks up the rose anyway. Before they head out, J.P. gets a chance to mope and be a grouch. Vino Ben was deliberately held overnight in a separate room from Ashley just so he can come wandering in dressed like a smurf and set J.P. off like a firecracker. Ashley pimps for the local wedding photo industry and J.P. gnashes his teeth a little more. Lucas, the Cowboy comes out first dressed in a gold lame mu-mu. Yeah, that looked like fun. Unsurprisingly, Lucas thinks he got rooked. If he wants to feel better, he just needs to wait for Ames. The Eraser Head goes next and comes out dressed in some rental tux nightmare Adam Sandler would have refused to wear in the The Wedding Singer. It looked like a crackhead Liberace get-up, circa 1966. J.P. finally comes out dressed in a tailored black tux, just in case the other two aren't aware of their status in the pecking order. Ashley comes in dressed like a geisha, laughs at them, and poses with Lucas, who looks ready to open his veins. Lucas, who had the temerity to kiss her during the wedding photos, sets J.P. off again into another whining fit. Ames goes next and kisses Ashley in a tree. J.P. smolders, even though he gets a beach backdrop and Ashley dressed in a regular wedding dress. In the evening, they view their framed photos, and Ashley can't understand why the guys didn't love looking like tools. Lucas tells her he felt like an idiot. Ames whips out some private photos and shows even more chops and his world class brain. J.P. goes next and complains about the Group Date and shows off some jealousy. Whether this whole edit was designed to make us think J.P. is a normal guy who is (understandably) jealous over a girl he's fallen in love with or they are warning us that J.P. is going to move her to Alabama and beat the living shit out of her the first time she looks at the mailman, I have no idea. Regardless, what would've been "red flags" in any other guy makes her all squishy and she gets the rose for him. Date over.

Sunny Ryan's Bachelor Interview, Part 1

Damn, its sad when I can get inside the head of a dirtbag like Mike Fleiss, but I don't know who he thinks he's fooling. Not me, that's for sure. Solar energy dork, Sunny Ryan, who reminds me so much of perennial Bachelor constant, Jake, Cheesemachine Pavelka, it makes me nauseous, is ready for his interview and his 1-on-1 date at last. Wearing a five-o'clock shadow and pink shirt to go with his permanent grin, Ryan meets Ashley at the Taipei version of Tienanmen Square and they wander around. She takes him to a Buddhist temple where folks are lined up praying in surgical masks, letting us know the Avian Flu threat is not over in this part of the world. Ryan is just overwhelmed that people outside of the U.S. actually pray and he nearly breaks down foaming at the mouth. Big on making wishes this episode, Ashley takes him over to the Altar of the Matchmaking God so they can make a wish and toss some bricks on the ground to see if their wishes come true. Having the same luck that Constantine's Wish Lantern had in the credits when a dog pissed on it, Ryan tosses the bricks hoping for the augur of eternal love. Instead, the bricks make like an ancient Chinese proverb, land on the wrong side and tell him: Bricks say; YOU hit the bricks! Ryan stares at the bricks and tells us maybe that isn't a good omen. Yeah? Better than getting your Wish Lantern coated in dog piss, but probably not good. They then head over to a park where Ashley, desperate for anything to speak with this clown about, asks about his environmentalism. He peps right up and bores the hell out of her with a long-winded lesson on the virtues of tank less water heaters. Letting us know she knows and cares nothing about environmentalist whackos, Ashley winds up and dumps him. Ryan stares at her and thus begins a truly horrible performance of heartbreak that must have had Pavelka filing a lawsuit for copyright infringement. Despite the fact that they shaved nearly thirty-minutes off this episode so Harrison could get a load of circuitous and incomplete answers from Emily Maynard about her bust-up with Brad Womack, we still had plenty of time to see Ryan run into the bushes, sit on a park bench and break down into not one, not two, but three--standing and sitting, Full-Mesnicks! He whined, hyper-ventilated, told us he thought Ashely was "The one!" after less than one date alone with her where she dumped him, and blubbered like a GIANT VAGINA. Knowing the sadistic editors and fiendish producers like I do, I'm sure this performance caused a sizable portion of the 18-49 female demographic sweet spot audience to cry "Awwwwww!" while I cried "Owwwww!" Ashley finally got rid of him but followed up the dump with some painful words, "Looking into his eyes, I'm not sure I made the right decision." Thanks for the foreshadowing so we won't be shocked if he mysteriously shows back up for part two of his interview. God help us, and date over.

Quick Axe So We Can See Emily

No cocktail party needed, Harrison lines the remaining five down and sets them up as Ashley comes in and gets right to work.

Already safe: J.P. the Jealous Skinhead.

1) Constantine Hercules--Mr. Normal will take her to Georgia.

2) Vino Ben--Deep in the bubble and on his way to the vineyards with her.

Enter wingman: "Ashley, gentleman, this is the final rose tonight; hurry up so we can interview Emily and the boss can curse bog that she didn't dump Brad before we started filming."

3) Eraser Head Ames--score it.

Dumped: Lucas, the Texas Cowboy for not wanting to wear a lame dress frock and failing to show the necessary cultural sensitivity.

Next Week: Hometowns

Emily Interview: Didn't want to be there, didn't want to discuss her private affairs, which proves she is either a liar or those people who think she wants to the next Bachelorette are crazy. I'll believe her and respect her wishes and continue not writing about she and Brad.

6/27--Hong Kong Phooey

Number 1 Super Guy!

Thrills! Chills! Mind bogging highs and death-defying plunges into troughs of despair! Yes, it's time for another week on the bi-polar roller coaster known as Ashley Hebert. The Bachelorette who's up!--she's down!--she's chirpy!--she's bawling!--she's optimistic!--she's destined to die a lonely old spinster! My stomach was so roiled by following her around through every soaring leap and sudden 90* plunge that I had to take Dramamine halfway through the episode. If a storm hadn't hit and knocked my satellite  offline, I don't think I could have made it. This week, the Coaster visited the crowded, smelly, hellhole of Honk Kong, China; the place where they must have filmed Blade Runner; futuristic, flashing with neon lights like a House of Horrors, and covered in a permanent mist/smog. I was glad my TV doesn't have a "smell-o-rama"chip in it. Even the Dramamine wouldn't have stopped the retching if it had. Often this show edits people until they are unrecognizable to even their own families. Well that's one thing we don't have to fear in regards to Ashley. This is twice we've seen her and one thing couldn't be any clearer: this broad is nuts!

Dot, Dot, Dot...Period!...Until Ashley Starts Talking Again.

As the episode open with all the necessary Bentley recaps hammering away, Ashley handles the promo spot for the Hong Kong Chamber of Commerce while at a building rooftop, Harrison greets the roving frat party and covers this weeks product-placement gimme', the Conrad Hotel. Harrison sports for the hotel as they overlook one of the world's most important centers for commerce and world trade. Yawn.
Whose daffy-assed idea was this? Hong Kong, City of Romance? Since when? Maybe Eraser Head Ames got all giddy being this close to so much action on the Nikkei Exchange, but for the rest of the world, the only people who think Hong Kong and Romance together in the same sentence are young entrepreneurs trying to get venture capital for a tech startup. It's the size of a postage stamp and inhabited by 2 billion people who managed to escape being raped by Chinese Commies only by being raped by British Imperialists instead. The only thing good about this location was giving me an excuse to include a picture of one of the most underrated superheroes of all time: Hong Kong Phooey; the only dog ever to change into a superhero inside a filing cabinet and the only one to store his supercar in a dumpster. Regardless, its dating time. But first...


Douchebag on Parade

Before the boys can get too deep into enjoying being trapped in a high rise marvel, its time to address the focal point of the entire season to this point: Big Head Bentley. And Ashley's mad this guy wasted so much of her time? How about my time, Ashley? You think you're pissed. Anyway, with the recap in the rear view, Harrison hustles down to Ashley's room to let her know that Cranium the Colossus is in the hotel and ready to see her. Ashley nearly faints with joy and makes it until the commercial break before she charges down to see him. The editing axe struck this scene so thoroughly it was hard to make head or tails from it. Basically, you get the feeling that Bentley was only too happy to come back and get a free trip to Hong Kong out of the deal. In between, he laced her with mixed signals (a hand on her leg, a smile, an offer to see her in Utah "if things don't work out.") while committing to nothing. She finally presses him into a corner and he pretty much tells her she needs to hook up with someone on the show. Ashley's face falls and she starts to get angry. "Why did you come back? Why didn't you just call? If you came on this show for the reasons Michelle Money said you did, just to mess with me and get me to fall for you, then mission fucking accomplished!" Argh! At last! She is blind but now she can see. Realizing she's been played, Ashley storms out and drops a string of F-bombs in her wake. The producer's seem to dig her profanity because they stage an interview where she snarls at the camera, "I'm done with you! Fuck you, Bentley!" But don't get too worried, folks, she'll be deliriously happy again in mere minutes. One of the perks of Ashley. She changes like the weather. She hits the door on the way out while Bentley sits there smirking like an ass and probably planning his wild vacation itinerary of visiting a few venture capital firms. What a D-bag. I would have been relieved had I not heard his name 50,000 more times in the episode. It's also important to remember for later that if Bentley had come back to rejoin the cast, she would have taken him back in a Hong Kong minute. Keep that in mind for later, when almost every guy on the show pops a rivet when she finally tells them she fell for Bentley.

Let's...Let's Wander Around Some More.

The wingman, exhausted from working hours on end to secure Bentley's free vacation, lets Ashley feed us the date line up for the week. There will be two, 1on1's, and one Group Date this week. The boys read the card back at the Conrad and we hear that Lucas the Enigma is about to drop the Enigma and step out into the light. Universally despised (especially by me) Sunny Ryan, predicts Lucas' doom; which means he's in for a rose. Ashley promptly takes him to downtown Hong Kong to wander around a little more. Ashley is now fully recovered, she happily informs us and drops a few hundred more "Bentley's". Having nowhere interesting to go and very little to do, the Hong Kong Chamber of Commerce arranges for a Chinese Parade Dragon to meet them in a city square and put on a little show. Cosmopolitan Ashley, who has marveled to Lucas that Hong Kong is like New York(inside a snow globe) watches the Dragon, laughing. Lucas, the West Texas Cowboy, stares at the thing like its from outer space, tells us he has never been to New York, and looks like he wants to whip out his grandaddy's 4-10 shotgun and blast it. They then wander over to some seedy street vendors and sample the local exotic cuisine...just like Ashley did with both Ben and Constantine. They eat what we are told are pig intestines and Lucas scowls and asks for a hamburger. I must be a rednecked peckerwood like Lucas. I've never been to New York either and I would have asked for a hamburger too. At some point, Ashley leads Lucas out onto a gaily lit junk that's moored in Hong Kong Harbor and they eat some real food. Or try to. I'm sure the smell from 15 centuries of people dumping crap into that polluted harbor could have knocked a buzzard off a shitwagon, but they give it a try. Mostly though, they let Lucas loose the enigma and talk about his divorce a little more. He finishes by telling her, "God has a plan for me." Ashley, whom reports insist is a devoted atheist, must have wondered like I did why god wanted Lucas to get divorced, but whatever. He gives us no details why they got divorced except that they fell out of love. Thanks for the nitty gritty. Lucas seems a solid guy, but man is he boring. He then (in his boring, courtly, southern gentlemanly way) asked to kiss her and they go at it with less heat than West Texas cousins. So, to sum up: compatibility? No. Chemistry? Ha, you jest. Rose? Sure, why the hell not? Ashley is nearly 50% Bentley-free and in a giddy mood. She pins the flower on him and he shows us that West Texas oil field wildcatters know cliches too: "Mannn, that thar was the best 1st date a maaah lifeeee!" Yee-haw. Date over.

Dragon Boat Racing

Ok, I'm not gonna' wreck em too bad here; at least they tried to do something fun. Awkward but fun, but at least they tried; which is a helluva lot more than they've been doing most of this season. Ashley, dressed like MaryAnn from Gilligan's Island gone horribly wrong, meets the boys at the beach, splits them into three teams, and tells them they are going to row Dragon Boats in a race, but first they will have to recruit crews from the locals to help out.
The Teams are:
Red Team: Consisting of the look-a-like twins, Vino Ben and Constantine Hercules, who seem to have a major bromance in the works.
Blue Team: With sworn enemies, Blake, the smarmy dentist, and relentlessly chipper asswipe, Sunny Ryan.
Black Team: Consisting of failed boxers Mickey Finn, and Eraser Head Ames.

All three groups head off into the market square and try to recruit team members to help them crew their boats. Romantic? Uh, no. But potentially fun, which is more than we can say for the last month of this show. Sunny Ryan, using his sunshiny entremanureialship, quickly signs an English-speaking, professional Dragon Boat crew. Mickey and Ames wander around and I was honestly disappointed Ames didn't break out the local lingo and sign an Olympic-caliber Dragon Boat crew and get his own tech startup financed while he was it. But no. They do however, put together a fair squad. Bromancers Constantine and Ben meanwhile, struggle around and try and sign on couples because everyone knows women make such fantastic competitive boat oarsmen. Huh? Anyway, they quickly realize that A) this whole thing is stupid, and B) they suck at it, so they decide to go buy some loud robes and just have fun. Arriving on the beach, Ben and Constantine appear in silky, fire-engine red robes that look like Hefner's pajamas and bring with them a herd of about thirty middle-aged Chinese women. They crew their boats and off we go. Ashley rides on the bow of one of the boat's still dressed like MaryAnn gone wrong while Ryan and Blake and their professional crew take off like rockets. Ames and Mickey try and stay even but fall back quickly while Ben, Constantine, and their 30 Chinese grandmothers get "smoked like a salmon." Once they are all safely back on dry land, some couple down the beach seems to have gotten engaged so they can help Hong Kong with their overpopulation problem a little more. Roller Coaster Ashely sees this as another hopeful augur that someone will eventually marry her and heads UP! for the moment. They head to after boat race party back at the hotel lounge and give all the boys a chance to curse Ryan for being a dickweed. They show pretty much everyone who is left comment on what a wearisome piece of work Ryan is, so we can prepare ourselves for when he gets the rose. Before Ryan gets rosed for being fake, Eraser Head Ames takes Ashley into the elevator and WHOA! Looks who's drunk? Bout damn time! Not since night 1, when Tim the alcohol salesman overtested his wares, have we seen anyone tipsy and I'll be damn if it isn't the Eraser Head! Ames takes her into the elevator with a snifter of brandy, presses the button for the 48th floor, drops the effeminate Iy League manners and WHOA! He mauls her! The elevator stops on the 21st floor and some shocked Chinese had to have their shouts edited out:
"Disgusting Americans! Get a room!"
Ames calmly presses the 48th floor button and dives on her again, tonguing his way all the way to the 48th floor observation deck. I've been hard on this guy but he's clearly changed his ways! Props to the Eraser Head! I'm so pleased by his performance I'm even gonna' skip the puke-inducing recap of Ryan getting the date rose for being a fake.

Your Only Romance for the Last 5 Weeks

While the boating action done, a date card has arrived and Lucas, the texas Cowboy reads off the name of J.P., the skinhead. With some closure on the Bentley mess finally delivered, this date should be critical. Now this was the part my DVR skipped when the satellite went out and I went online to day to watch this. I ca't remember a whole lot about where they went and what they did, but I remember the important part. I have given up trying to guess about the loony editing this show has spouted the past few seasons, but what I saw sure looked like a firm frontrunner staking his claim. The dinner part was the most instructive when Ashley finally told J.P. about her Bentley obsession. J.P takes it calmly and takes an optimistic stance, thanking Ashley for being honest and glad she has gotten closure. What's clear is to just what extent this guy digs her and damn if it didn't look mutual. J.P swears he's never felt a connection this strong in his entire life and Ashley exclaims that J.P. is the most handsome man in the entire world! Really? The Jewish skinhead from Long Island? Hey, different strokes and all that, but this was really sweet. No acting appeared to be in the effort either. These two looked like they forgot about the cameras and went goo-goo over each other. Roller Coaster UP! But I am unspoiled, so this could all be misdirection edit for all I know. But it looked cool anyway. Rose? Zero doubt. Date over.

The Men Grow a Few Pairs!

The cocktail party begins, and Ashely, fresh off two successful dates, is UP! for the moment. Careful, young lady, you're about to meet one of the 90* hairpin dives. She marches into the party brimming with confidence and can't wait to unburden herself about the Bentley affair to all the men. Hey, I'm sure she thought, "J.P. took it well." Wrong move. All men are different on this score, and the fact that J.P. took it so well is that he appears to be in love with you, Ashley. The rest? Eh, not so much. She sits down among them and tells them the cold truth about Bentley. "I had fallen for him. I suffered through this more than you knew. Since he left, half of my heart has been with him." Faces fall. Constantine Hercules strikes first, "The one on one date we had, we spoke of honesty; this seems to contradict that."
Lucas the Cowboy: "Why did you wait to tell us!"
Blake, who has had no 1 on 1 at all, gets to hear that Bentley got a 1 on 1 in a hotel room. He is mad, as is Mickey Finn, Vino Ben, even Ames seems somewhat displeased. They're all mad except J.P., who appears smitten with her, and Mr. Fake Ryan. Intercuts show Private Interviews and these guys are livid, especially Lucas. "I hate it when people waste my time! And she has wasted my time!"
Ashley bolts away bawling and then sits down 1-on1 with many of them to hear how pissed off they are. Blake strikes hard: "Why am I even here? I haven't had a 1-on-1 and you don't seem to care about me at all!"
Sunny Ryan gets her alone and kisses her hand, her cheeks, her ass; any part of her so he can get the rose. Not normal, folks. J.P defends her much like he is defending a lady he obviously considers "his woman." Props to the Skinhead; he did the right thing. The rest aren't as close to her and all feel like yesterday's dogbreakfast. Men don't like feeling like the 2nd choice anymore than women do, maybe even less. We have giant egos. Ryan and his fake shtick merely prove how fake he is. He should have been pissed off. I also saw Ashley look at him suspiciously for the first time while he tried to schmooze her. Every other guy except J.P., who was told privately, is as mad as a hornet or at least disheartened. Not Ryan. No, the cheesmachine wanna-be is just burbling all over her about how wonderful she is. If you doubt me, Dear Reader, remember who warned you about Jake Pavelka from his 1st night on this show. It's more than editing; every one of the 8 remaining guys have said they don't like Ryan, but his story arc so strongly resembles Jake's it makes me nauseous! (Don't do it Fliess!) Mickey Finn, who may have been on the chopping block or not, has had enough. He sits down with her and basically says he's through. Ashley tells him to get moving then. The editors were all over this but Mickey had seen enough and departs. He climbs into the boat and sails off on the polluted harbor as the other men stand in salute above a rail and raise their fists to him. It makes me wonder if the producer's didn't start to move forcefully to stave off an exodus. Lucas already had a rose, but looks ready to chuck it into the harbor and go with Mickey. Ashley races in and apologizes her ass off bawling to help stem the tide. She was trying to be honest and didn't feel she could be until the matter was resolved. Hey Harrison, Fliess, this is your faults! You didn't need to let her stew a month. She was in a no-win situation and it blew up in her face. Props Ashley, you did you best. Props J.P., you defended her without denouncing the other guys for being justifiably pissed off. Props Mickey Finn for having a strong enough sense of worth to hit the bricks. Considering the reactions of the men, if anyone here is engaged to her besides J.P., I'll be stunned.

Already Safe: J.P., the Chivalrous Skinhead; Lucas the Texas Cowboy; Ryan the Douche.

Roses: 
1) Vino Ben--not sure where his heads at.
2) Constantine--This guy isn't even slightly invested in Ashley.
3) Eraser Head Ames: becoming a pirate favorite.

Next Week: Hell, I don't know; they didn't say.

6/13-This Week's Forecast: Painfully "Sunny" with a 100% Chance of Bentley

Meet Bilbo Douche-Baggins

What does one call a giant-skulled, hairy-headed and malicious hobbit?









I suppose it was inevitable. Mike Fleiss and his seedy gang know that bad boys sell. Just when I thought we were free of the flea known as Big Head Bentley, he just hangs around and rains on the parade. There's going to be no avoiding this guy. Speaking of rain, I have two words for whatever booking agent Fleiss hired to plan this year's trips: Monsoon Season. Look it up; read it; memorize it. Anyway, with this season probably already busted, no matter how much Bentley-drama is tossed our way, we should at least get a nice a view of Asia. Well we would if it were not Monsoon Season! It rains less in Seattle, Fleiss. What's next, summer frolics in the Persian Gulf? Long cuddly January evenings in Antarctica? Buy an atlas, you idiot.

The Wingman Gets a Wild Hair!

Yes, yes. Chris Wingman Harrison comes stumbling into the mansion, levels the hangover gang with a steely glare and announces:

"Ashley and I don't think we can have a clean start here, so pack your bags--we're leaving the mansion for good! Our first stop is Phuket, Thailand!"


The boys jump for joy because they also have no idea its Monsoon Season! in Thailand. That wild and crazy Harrison, a forest full of wild hairs sticking out his ass, running around and planning overseas adventures alone with Ashely. You crazy kids. I'll bet you had the producers in a wild scramble trying to book a flight. Say what you will about Harrison, but this guys middle name should be spontaneous. I'm starting to think they only do bits like this in the off chance some person in a coma might suddenly awake bursting out laughing at the stupidity of it. Anyway, the boys whoop and holler and quickly board a charter.

Ashley is already waiting for them, lounging back in a Thai junk as it floats over emerald green water, her bikini top in full display as she catches a few rays of Monsoon! That looked natural. Rain spatters her as the helicopter swings around and some stagehand screams over a bullhorn for her to hold the pose despite the driving downpour. Hey, nobody said paying off those Dental School loans was gonna be easy, dear. As the boys all whoop it up off the airplane and check into a beachside bungalow, Ashley visits this week's product-placement gimme, a place called The Renaissance--a spa and resort in Phuket. Ashley makes like a local and dresses like a Thai prostitute and has a sit-down with some hapless Asian woman at the front desk of the The Renaissance. The poor woman--whose desk plate insisted she was "The Navigator"--sounded like she spoke all of three words of English. No matter, Ashley was supposed to be planning her dates in Thailand. You know the dates I mean, the ones that have been planned for months. To keep up the fiction, Ashley sits down and asks what there is to do in Thailand. The Navigator gets her lines cut. Good thing too. "Nothing during Monsoon Season, stupid American bitch! What? You want malaria? Go put some clothes on! We don't let hooker-girl work here!" Satisfied she has some amazing dates planned, Ashley departs in another downpour.

Constantine Speaks at Last...Then Won't Shut Up.

Back at the crashpad, the first date card has arrived and J.P., the Skinhead hops up and reads off the name of Constantine Hercules. The formerly silent one gets his chance to speak. Seeing the weather rolling in, he doesn't even bother to dress up. Wearing orange baggies and a tank top, an umbrella toting Constantine wanders outside to meet an umbrella-carrying Ashley. Ashley tells him they are supposed to go kayaking or something that's never gonna happen. To try and con the audience that Monsoon Season just showed up unexpectedly at the last second, Fleiss sends some tiny Thai dude to come running up to tell them that the monsoon will unexpectedly cancel the date Ashley worked so hard to plan. The poor old joker doesn't speak a work of English and after messing with subtitles a minute, he resorts to gestures that say: Boat go BOOM, stupid Americans! Back at the pad, Blake, the smarmy dentist gets a moment to bitterly wish Constantine the worst. "I hope it rains," which is about as big a stretch as going to Death Valley and damning a competitor with a curse of sunshine. It also gives J.P., the Skinhead, who's been shaping up as a fan favorite, a chance to start looking obsessive and a little creepy over Ashley.

Faced with absolutely nothing to do, Fleiss plucks a page from the tried and worn playbook and orders the twosome to wander around Phuket pestering the locals for dating advice. Its a page out of last year's script where Brad Womack took hottie undertaker Shawntel Munster for a few laps around Anguilla when they had nothing to do. But instead of pestering fat Rastafarian women, they pester another old Thai dude about love. The old man starts yammering away about his 37 years of marriage when Constantine acts like Aladdin and wishes for a translator. Poof! A young Thai woman appears at his elbow and starts translating. The old joker makes like Mr. Miyagi to Ashley's Daniel-san and starts dispensing love advice. "Forgive easily; don't try to win." Sage advice. Sage advice no American under the age of forty will ever follow either. Its all about "Winning!" even when you're losing. Just ask Charlie Sheen. Fresh out of locals to pester, Constantine and Ashley...run down the street? As darkness falls, Fleiss finds them a dry canopy to huddle under and to show just how desperate they are to film Ashley doing anything besides comparing the remaining men to Big Head Bentley, the producers resort to having them hold a normal conversation. Constantine, after being muzzled the last 2 weeks, yammers on pretty good. He comes across as a normal guy. Him and Ashley? Eh. Ashley still looks crushed and pines away about Bilbo Douche-Baggins at every opportunity. Constantine gets the rose for being a good sport anyway. No kissing is shown and they finally wander off into the rain. Boring.

Some Bachelor "Charity"

While Constantine and Ashley have been enjoying the rain, the Group Date card has arrived. Ben Chipmunk, J.P., the Skinhead, Blake, the smarmy dentist, Mickey Finn, The Wild West, Vino Ben, Nick and His Horrid Hair Highlights, Lucas the Enigma, William the Wise, and Sunny Ryan have their names called to go do some charity work around Thailand. This leaves the Ivy League finance 'droid, Eraser Head Ames, holding the last chance for some one-on-one malaria. The boys all speed off to a nearby orphanage where Ashley awaits them in the rain. She bangs on about the tsunami a few years back and all the orphans it created. And since these kids haven't suffered enough, they are to be the object of some Bachelor Charity. The charity takes the form of a host of well educated men who nothing about manual labor painting their orphanage a wide array of hideous colors. The actual point of the exercise isn't really to punish orphans, its just an excuse to introduce the next theme of the season now that Bentley is back in Utah (for the moment) receiving death threats: its to let us all know that Sunny Ryan is a constant irritant to the other men. Ashley wanders around looking broken-hearted while all the men lambast Ryan as a bossy, relentlessly upbeat dork. The boys all paint the room under Ryan's expert tutelege. In a side room, Vino Ben has decided to add a mural to the wall he's painting and Ashley joins him. Ben has decided to paint something that looks a little like an elephant. No, more like a hybrid: an elephant-pottamus. "I can't paint," Ben needlessly informs us as Ashley joins him and paints a pretty flower just to let us know that she wears the painting pants in this relationship. This was an act of charity? I can just imagine the nightmares the Thai kids will have over that mural. They finally bring out some bikes and the producers release the kids they have kept caged up out back so J.P., the Skinhead can gush about what a life changing experience this has been. (How about a few iPads for them, Fleiss? You tightass.) As darkness mercifully falls and the Thai orphans snuggle into their new bunk beds keeping one eye on the elephant-pottamus that's about to leap off their wall and attack them, Ashley takes the guys back to the Renaissance to sit around the pool and let them whine about what a dick Ryan is, and she can whine about how much she misses You-Know-Who. William the Wise, henceforth mercifully silent after last weeks suicidal idiocy at the Roast, predicts Ryan is definitely "top 4." There's no hiding a genius. Vino Ben gets a few seconds alone with the gal and nets a kiss, while J.P., the Skinhead worries Ashley since he's been "stand-offish" all day. She needn't have worried. J.P. likes her...maybe too much. They gush about orphans and she marvels at his shaved head and they make out. "J.P. is the best kisser here!" (Oh god. Lets hope she picked him then. If not, some other guy just threw his beer at his television screen and screamed "whore!") Ashley meets with Sunny Ryan and you begin to feel that if Bentley did nothing, he may have sharpened up her radar. She quizzes him about how well he gets along with the others and he insists "Fine!" Blake, the smarmy dentist, begs to differ. With some producer-prompting, Blake confronts Ryan and tells him he is either a phony or one of those relentlessly golly-gee types who drives everyone nuts. Ryan just keeps repeating, "Really? Really?" Just to impress upon our minds what a dick Ryan is, when Ashley emerges from her rounds and fingers the flower, Ryan butts in and hauls her away for a last second ass kissing that was needless, desperate, and obviously producer-prompted. Like it mattered. She returns and roses Vino Ben for being a normal person. Date over.


Eraser Head Ames' Love Sonnet to Himself

While Ashely was moping in the rain with the other turds, highly educated finance bot, Eraser Head Ames, has been told by the suddenly talkative Constantine Hercules that he needs to charge his batteries and buff his porcelain veneers cause he and Ashley are going to venture out into the rain together. She awaits him with the usual umbrella in hand and they go out onto a skiff where the producers make them stand on the bow and get a face full of monsoon. Once they take a dinghy into some hidden coves, we add a little more knowledge to our Ames file. We've already heard that he has 5 graduate-level college degrees and runs marathons. To that we add that he has visited 70 countries and has one facial expression: a grin. As they dine back at the Renaissance, we also learn this is his second trip to Phuket and he also slacks around at work. "I found a class at work on the internet and decided, why wait? So I came here the next day to take a cooking class." Now how gay is that? Self absorbed there much, Ames? Ashley, who gives every impression she intended to dump him before the date started, starts to sound and look impressed. Slow down, Ash, and try and think like you're thirty-five instead of twenty-five. Older people could hear this scenario going off in their heads:
Ring
"Honey, did you pick up the milk on your way home? You're late."
"Uh, well, you remember that dinner party on Saturday? Well, we're supposed to be having smoked mackrel."
"Yeah, so?"
"I was just wasting my employers time at work and saw there was a great class on Finnish cooking..."
"Where are you!?"
"Helsinki!"
Click.
Ames, his face stuck on grin, manages to show off his big vocab and cheesy poetic sayings, and before you know it, she ups and hands over the flower. Once again, no kissing. And its a good thing too. If Ames' forehead and Ashley's forehead ever got together in a meaningful way, the poor child would have a Tenhead. Date over.

Monsoon Cocktail Bore

Ashley comes into the party whining about Bentley one more time and then sits down with some of the lesser lights so they can get their two minutes and thirty-seconds worth of fame. First up is erstwhile attorney, The Wild West, he of the dead wife. Ashley quizzes him about being ready to move forward and despite saying all the right things, one assumes his end is about nigh. Next comes fellow shyster, Lucas, the Enigma. They talk about his divorce and he hits her with what no woman wants to hear: he got divorced because he fell out of love. (You mean like you will with me?) Trying to cover, he lies, "I've never quit on anything in my life!" Yeah, except your first marriage. Next! But all of this is just chaff for the other big theme of the show, namely that Sunny Ryan is a phony dickhead. Blake blasts him some more and when he sits down with Ashley and for a P. I. the guy is clearly pissed. Busy to prove Blake and the others are right, Ryan phony smiles through his anger and sarcastically defends being happy. "Well excuse my crime," he seethes with a fake grin. "There are men being mortared in Afghanistan. What do I have to be unhappy about?" Fair point; just being such a wad how you show it, dude. Just to show Blake, the producers, and me that he won't be stopped, Ryan fake-smiles, closes his eyes, scrunches up his face, and expels a fart the exact shape and color of Snow White. Magical.

Finally...and I do mean finally, the wingman enters tinging his champagne glass calling the crashing bore off.

Producer Ass Covering

Harrison hauls Ashley aside for a sit down and prompts her to whine about Bentley a little more. Ashley quickly verifies that she had, two weeks in, already picked Bentley and was ready to be done with the rest of these guys instantly. More good news for whoever she picked. Claiming her mood is better and she now sees the men in a whole new Bentley-less light, she asks to add a rose to the ceremony.
"There are no rules," Harrison keeps cawing like the producer-parrot he is. "Like us showing you what a wad Bentley is," is left unsaid.

Harrison lines them up, produces and extra rose from the rose vault, and here we go.

Safe: Eraser Head Ames, Vino Ben, and Constantine Hercules.

Roses:
1) Lucas the Enigma--Yee Haw! (No, I didn't make that up.)
2) Sunny Ryan--Maybe he's gonna' teach her how to fart in cartoon? If he does, you know it will look like Bentley.
3) J.P., the Skinhead--lets back off on the creepy meter, fella.
4) Nick--Emergency trip to the hairdresser is needed! Horrible Hair Highlights fading.
5) Mickey Finn--zzzzzzzzz.
6) Blake, the Smarmy Dentist--rewarded for being this week's producer-stooge.
7) William the Wise--mercifully almost mute
8) Ben Chipmunk--we actually needed an extra rose?

Dumped: The Wild West--time to head East.

Next Week: More Thai monsoons! God, this one was a snoozefest. Evidently Harrison is all over twitter trying to convince people that Bilbo Douche-Baggins will be back next week. I can hardly wait. See ya then.

6/6--You're Kidding; These Guys are Still Single?

Dead Man Walking

"I Think the Fastest Way to a Woman's Heart is to Insult the Living Shit Out of Her!"

Heh, heh, heh. Amazing, isn't it? Men are a pretty dim lot. But young men? Ha, ha. Dumb as bricks. How hard is this, fellas? There are three basic rules of things you must not do when wooing a woman. No, no, not anything complicated like: don't get drunk and throw-up over at her parent's house or any advanced concepts like that. I mean the easy stuff--stuff even a man/boy should have learned before he was given a high school diploma. I'll type slowly so any young men reading this can understand:

The Captain's Basic Rules for Not Instantly Wrecking Your Relationship

Rule 1: Never make fun of your woman except in private and be prepared to buy her flowers even if you do.

Rules 2: Positively never make fun of anything about your woman--her hair, her tits, her fingernails. If you must make fun of anything about her--whisper it--then buy her flowers and something expensive.

Rule 3: If you must make fun of her anyway: shoot yourself. It will be quicker and less painful than what awaits you.

If on the other hand, you decide to blast her in public AND on national television, douse yourself with honey and stake yourself to a fire ant mound. Other men will gather around you, nodding with utmost solemnity and understanding and help to tie you down. It's part of the code, like setting fire to your boat at a Viking Funeral. The crowd could have gathered around several of these lads last night, as they busied themselves with the romantic techniques of publicly humiliated a woman they wanted to date. How painful was that? It was like watching a mass suicide... committed with a spork. I'm sure most people are focusing on the human cesspool who is Big Head Bentley and his malicious douchebaggery, but what blew my mind was just how stupid are these guys? Jeffery Ross--"Roastmaster General"? Seriously?

Let the Ratings Bonanza Begin

The producers of this crap can howl all they like about how they were fooled by Bentley and his sociopathic douchebagginess, but who are they kidding? This episode was solid gold ratings. They kick it off by sending in their favorite stooge, the wingman. Chris Harrison ambles into the mansion in a warm-up suit and lays out the coming disaster before splitting to get in 18 holes. This week will feature 3 dates--one group date and two 1-on-1 spectaculars, but mostly it will feature the emotional demolition of Ashley Hebert--as their promos have giddily previewed. Quickly previewing the episode, Harrison drops the date card and departs in a flash so they can fit in as many scenes of Ashley crying as possible. The date card informs Ben Chipmunk to stop storing walnuts in his huge jowls and get ready to dance his passionate ass off.

Flash Mob

I know I'm old, but when I heard Ashley say she had planned a "Flash Mob" to surprise Ben Chipmunk, I thought she had planned a riot. She helps me understand that a flash mob is going to a public place and pre-planned, people show up in mass and and perform a choreographed dance. Well there's nothing dumb about that. Anyway, she hauls Ben to a dance studio and teaches him some dance, then they go to a public park and sit down on a blanket while onlookers gawk. Ben C., not being the sharpest tool in the shed, agrees to stand up and do their dance together in the park like two mimes. I would have stared at Ashley and asked if she were crazy. But Ben man's up and starts dancing away acapella. Suddenly, music breaks out, and then a flash mob joins them and they all dance like life is a 60's Disney Movie. Hoorah! Such giddy fun. Turns out their lame dance is an excuse for some Asian thug mob to come out and lip sync their latest smash hit. The thugs finish scratching an old record and the gathered crowd chants "kiss, kiss" so Ashley and Jowly have a smooch. As darkness falls, Ashley and Ben head to a Hilton rooftop by the pool to eat and give Ben the chance to talk at the speed of an auctioneer. Blasting through a punctuation-less stream of blabber, Ben sets off the few red flags Ashley is equipped with by painting an completely unrealistic vision of what marriage is supposed to be like. I'll try to transcribe:

"Iwanttoliveinabubblewithawomanwheretheworldjustgoesawaybecauseitsallsoooooooooospecial!!!"

Ashley cringes but must have promised the producers ahead of time and sullenly fingers the rose before handing it over. One very lame date; over.

Remove Mask, Insert Personality. We're Waiting...We're Still Waiting

While Ashley was morosely giving Ben Chipmunk a rose, a second date card has arrived back at the creepy mansion. You know its creepy because the masked specter of the Phantom of the Opera is haunting a balcony in broad daylight. Pipe organ music blares as the masked D-bag sometimes known as Jeff, tells us he needs a few minutes with Ashley before the date so he can take off his ridiculous mask and show her just how old-looking he is. As soon as Ashley shows up at the mansion, the Phantom hauls her outside, bores her with his weird personality, and then with every imaginable cheesy sound and visual effect inserted, takes off the mask to reveal...an old guy with a five o'clock shadow.

"Hi, I'm Jeff," he announces dramatically.

"Ewww! You're old as shit!" she obviously wants to scream, but manages to hold it until a Private Interview.

Roasting Your Chances With Your Date

The other guys stare outside and giggle since even a group this dumb can see him striking out from 50 feet away. The mask now dropped, they all pile into a stretch Hummer and head out to a comedy club. The club houses a very fat and burned-out looking Jeffrey Ross, who has put on a couple a hundred kilos in the decade or so since his career took a dive into the nearest crapper. Since then, Ross has dubbed himself the Roastmaster General instead of the more accurately named Washed-Up Loser, and is haunting around looking for work. Honestly folks, if you ever doubted just how little the producers care about seeing a love match, this should do it. Any first, second, or fortieth date where the main focus of a suitor is to rag, denounce, and take a crap on their date is designed by sadists, not people looking to pop a cork at the coming wedding. The boys are herded around and Ross demonstrates his trademarked style of Jokes Without Punchlines by offering to fill Ashley the dentists cavity for her. What a card. What a joke machine this guy is. The example offered, the boys are given 15 minutes to perfect their routines and take a few shots of Crown Royal while Fleiss and Co. kidnap some lost tourists to fill Ross' normally vacant club. Now, it's suicide time. A few actually recognized that light at the end of the tunnel for the locomotive it was and and swerved to avoid it. Others did not.

• Lucas the Enigma shows that mystery or not, he's not an idiot, by slamming Eraser Head Ames for having a gargantuan forehead, and ignoring Ashley's prodigious brow.
• Sunny Ryan, the relentlessly upbeat solar energy dork decides to spare everyone insult or laughs, and proves to the world it should never fear Armageddon from a Solar Bomb; they explode only with the sound of crickets.
• Eraser Head Ames fires back at the weakest target--the former Phantom--with a cocktail napkin mask.
• Blake, the smarmy dentist is the only one to actually show any wit by launching a single joke that sprays ever competitor pretty well, but leaves Ashley out of it. Points to the suit filler.
• Its left up to the now unmasked D-bag, Jeff, to take aim at Ashley's tiny tits and launch some lameness.
• Vino Ben and Nick and His Horrible Hair Highlights, decide that since the mask ragged their date, well, then doggone it! it must be ok, and the focus becomes her miniscule chest. Ashley claps and tries to act like it doesn't bother her.
• The stage now set, comedian wanna-be, William the Wise, decides its more important to try and impress Jeffrey Ross, a crowd of strangers, and any watching talent scout than dating Ashley by blasting her to the moon. A sampling: Ashley is a "Womack leftover", he only came on the show because he thought Chantal or Emily were going to the Bachelorette; and wonders why he is competing for a "flat-chested Bachelor runner-up."

Ashley's face crashes to the stage and the crowd boos and gasps. By the third riff, I started to slink lower into my chair. To my side, the Wench Queen gasps. By the fifth strafing shot, she is squeaking and about to tear up with Ashley and her sister across the room is snarling. Damn this idiot! He's about to get ME into trouble! Both women gnash their teeth while I sink down low and avoid the waves of hatred coursing through my living room. Guilt by association is threatening. Any person with a penis is now guilty of callousness and hatefulness. I move to deflect the outrage by declaring William a "deadman." Whew! Close call. William sits down looking at the crestfallen Ashley and compounds his idiocy by trying to defend himself. "Its a roast, not a love on Ashley contest!" This was like watching a guy grab a live hornet's nest and cram it down over his own head. I was just grateful it wasn't me. Idiot!

The next time we see Ashley she is sitting in a darkened corner of the now empty club bawling. It's time for the true male asshole, Big Head Bentley, to display his edited and very real awfulness. William is just a famemongering idiot, but this guy is borderline evil. Deciding he will buck Ashley up so he can "mess with her head", Bentley swoops in to offer false comfort. The rest of the night is going to be a one man contest where Bentley tries to up himself on just how callous, arrogant, and downright mean he can be. Saying much about this performance is needless; if you are reading this, you saw it. It was a new low in sadist fame-seeking. The guy obviously had a sick agenda of some sort. I'll keep my assessment of Bentley short and to the point: This guy needs his ass kicked! Badly! I think that will cover it.

The "Party"

Joy buzzers for all. Ashley arrives crushed and crying. She tells the boys her greatest fear was that they would all see it was her instead of Emily or Chantal and get back in the limos and leave. Yeah, she may have self-esteem issues, but this smackdown was needless. The producers can suck me. This was their fault; they scheduled a date whose only purpose was to humiliate their insecure Star, and allowed Bentley onto this show to promote his worthless, sadistic ass. They got their ratings, I'm sure. Anyway, various dudes make their pitches to the crestfallen Ashley and William cries like the idiotic turd he is an runs away bawling and threatening to go home like a three year-old. Unfunny dork though he may be, Sunny Ryan earns a kiss and a rose for trying to give comfort, and Big Head Bentley maneuvers around to try and wriggle deeper under Ashley's skin before he trashes her. Glorious. Ashley, weak and vulnerable after the kicking lets us know she is "in love with Bentley". He holds her head in his lap and smirks at the camera. Mercifully, date over.

Bentley's Big Exit

Must I? Nope. He sucks and I don't want to.

J.P the Skinhead Tries to Ride to the Rescue

The dating must go on. A thoroughly shattered Ashley, who has cried herself into oblivion over the departed Bentley, awaits the scheduled JP, the Skinhead with all the enthusiasm of a corpse at her house. If anything fancy had been planned, the producers had enough sense to change it. J.P, equipped with a producer supplied bouquet, arrives at Ashley's rental where she greets him. Completely shot, Ashley finally asks for a slum around night and they change into pajamas and make out. Give JP credit, he did his best, but how much could anyone have done after this?

Cocktail Party Skip

Ashley arrives at her room of deliberation, stares at the picture of Bentley, and starts bawling again while the boys all wait out front cooling their heels. I wonder if they had any idea just how bad this was? The wingman slithers into the deliberation room behind Ashley and has a sit down with her. He weakly tries to steer her away from Bentley without bothering to show her the endless footage of him ragging her and laughing about what a fool she was. "What do you want to do? I already told you, there are no rules." Harrison covers his own ass.

"Except your contract," a producer snarls as a reminder.

"No party," Ashley begs. "I'm just exhausted."

Rose Time:

Safe: Sunny Ryan, JP The Skinhead, Jowly Ben Chipmunk

Roses:

1) Constantine the Utterly Silent--hasn't said three words but keeps scoring roses

2) West--about time to head east.

3) Mickey Finn--boring beats mean or stupid every time

4) Vino Ben--Can he recover from the tit jokes? Will it matter anyway?

5) Blake the Smarmy Dentist--Funny, but you get the feeling it doesn't matter anyway.

6) Nick and his Godawful Hair Highlights--filling in the numbers

7) Eraser Head Ames--didn't hurt himself

8) Lucas the Enigma--ditto

9) William the Wise--shows how bad the last two were.

Dumped: Jeff, the unmasked D-bag and Chris, the unexceptional.

So now, with 8 weeks to go, if Ashley recovered enough to pick anyone, the guy is getting a ringside seat to sit and watch just how much she had fallen for Douche Head Bentley and share her humiliation. He also gets to relive the entire nightmare along with her and their relationship can follow Jeffery Ross' career into the nearest latrine. The Bachelorette, and its dubious record of relationship successes rolls on. Next week, the boys take Ashley's shattered emotional remains to East Asia. I'll tag along and report back.