Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Bachelor Reminders to Self

Whoa, Nelly! I've barely managed to wipe the latest sludge of Brad Womack lies out of the soles of my boots and already the net is popping with rumors that Bachelor 12 is almost ready to start filming with a presumptive air date in March. With the rush of this latest creature spawned by that devil himself, Mike Fleiss, on the way to us, it's time for some healthy reminders to myself and other poor souls like me who watch this show.

1) "It's the editing!" Mike Fleiss may be a slice and dice magician and he might be able to make "I like her but..." into "I like her butt!" but he cannot create quotes and actions out of whole cloth and thin air. People on these shows are definitely edited and manipulated but the Producers become an easy port in the storm when you need someone to blame for drinking twenty margaritas and telling the camera that one of your competitors smells like a "Tuna Taco!" but it's hardly an honest excuse. The simpler answer is that people on this show often act like assholes. I think we are all old enough to deal with that.

2) "I've been single for about a year." Uh. No. Unless you have a divorce decree in your resume you can show us, you have been single for your entire life. Brad Womack was allowed to get away with this little whopper of perspective last season and we all saw how that ended. Promising to only have sex with one woman at a time doesn't take you off the single roles nor does shacking up or any of the modern equivalents. The next time a Bachelor tries this little verbal parlor trick he needs to be informed that marriage is a much bigger deal than what he's done so far. Telling people you're newly single when you've never been married is a sign your perspective is damaged from the get go.

3) One commitment-phobic narcissist and 25 bimbos! That's what I'm going to keep chanting to myself over and over anyway. The gal has a boyfriend at home and the Bachelor wants to sell dog shampoo or something. This should keep me from getting too pissed off...like last time.

Ok, I'll check back in with you guys as time approaches for the newest pirate-fest and we can all laugh in unison as the Bachelor tells the wingman, "Well, the reason is that I've been busy and haven't met the one yet but I'm ready to settle down and if I'm feeling it, I'll go right down on my knee and propose!" Let's all chant together, "Argh! Liar!"