Sunday, December 11, 2011

Offseason wrap-up: Ben Gets Nekkid, Roberto Gets Some Sense, and In Defense of Reality Steve

This is a test post to try out some new equipment I have for the blog and to give a special thanks to deedreamer over at Bach forum (Fort 2) for the awesome job she did on the new masthead.You rock, sugar! That said, we are but a few short weeks away from the start of the next season of the Bachelor and already the internet is alive with spoilers and potential spoilers for this season. 

One thing that is undeniable is that filming has indeed finished and some outcome is at hand. Rumors circulate at a Final Rose Ceremony held in a cold climate, with results as yet unknown. One thing you can rest assured of while you stuff your gullets with holiday fare is that your ship captain will be back at the con of his dread pirate ship again this season, taking whacks and chops at "vino" Ben Flajnik and whatever herd of desperate famewhores the Fleissmonster has recruited for him this season. But this year, there will be a twist.

You see, for the first time in well, EVER, I got the Bachelor I really wanted for the gig, and like the good Samaritan I am (well, mostly) I'll take the responsibility one should and be extra hard on the guy I helped choose. Seems only fair. As much as I've bitched in the past about these jokers, it's my turn (and Ben's) to pay my dues. And I see the shitstorm has already started. The first few promos have been released and “Bachelor 16:The Quest to Peddle Vino”, is rapidly evolving into “Bachelor 16, The Legend of Ben's Ass”, after a promo shows Ben and one shapely ’ette going for a skinny dip in the ocean complete with full backside nudity,and then getting mighty close while in the water. The online moral cops are already blasting him for being a horndog and frat boy. (It doesn't help matters that the ’ette in question is being portrayed as a wicked bitch either) Hard to argue with them too; the only way he and the bitch-ette avoided actually having sex in that scene was for the bitch to ignore Ben's vine stem, which was undoubtedly hard as a brick and inches from her goodies trying to impale her. Chris “wingman” Harrison hopped out from wherever he lurks to fill us in on the story arc they have planned too: Ben was not serious at start of the process but became the most sincere Bachelor EVER! (translation: Ben got drunk and screwed as many as he could before waking up and picking one, and now having to explain to his new "fiancé" why he was drunk and screwing a girl she probably hates on national TV) So, Ben is on his way to sleazing things up while selling some wine and obviously getting laid in the process. No wonder I liked this guy. One forum poster where I hang out sometimes referred to this season as “delicious trash.” Props Alainna, you have just described what is heading our way more succinctly and accurately than I could have. Bravo!

Oh, since this is merely a blog test, I wasn't going to share any thoughts, but since the breaking news this offseason was the break up of Ali Fedotowsky and Groucho Roberto Martinez, I suppose I should comment. Also a lawsuit has landed on a fellow blogger like a falling satellite,so I'll opine:

Ali and Roberto:

I am positively stunned they lasted this long. Don't get me wrong, I never rooted against them in the least. I just can't believe they stuck it out as long as they did. Yeah, I know; that's not gonna be popular. Too bad. In all the seasons I've watched this crap, they were the most mismatched pair I've ever seen (excepting the obvious travesties: Jake/Vienna; Grant/Lamas) I mean among the couples who were truly sincere and tried to make a go of it. No use putting your head in the sand about it, Ali was a 100 mph career girl and Roberto was from a deeply traditional and conservative family background. She seems to adore the red carpet and he seems like he wants a normal life. Just not compatible. 

Here's what I wrote on the hometown visit that season:
Roberto's family comes as no surprise; a strong, traditional family with traditional values. Ali is met by Pops Martinez Sr., his hot-milf wife, Roberto's beefcake brother and his hottie wife, and Roberto's hottie sister. They sit down to a meal and Roberto's brother wants to know why Roberto was given the First Impression Rose. Ali insists it was because of a "feeling", which sounds more appropriate than admitting that Roberto gave her fire-crotch. Dinner finished, Pops Martinez move in quick. After a quick tour of Roberto's baseball trophies, he pins Ali with some direct questions. He asks Ali about her personal goals and she answers honestly about her career drive. Pops, being a 30 year-veteran of the marriage game, lauds his boy and tries to make a judgment between Ali's career goals and Roberto's. "He has big goals. His job might take him different places. If you had to sacrifice some of your personal goals for him, for his career...how do you feel about that?" Ali stammers like a tobacco executive in front of a congressional committee. "I want to make Roberto happy and I can't do that if I'm not happy, so I need something to fulfill me too." She goes on like a politician but at least she's honest, if circuitous in her answer. From the accent, it sounds like English is not Pops' first language but he seems to have no trouble deciphering that answer. He raises an eyebrow at her and heard the translation of all of that blithering as clearly as I did: "I'll be sacrificing my career goals for any man on the 5th of NEVER!" It's a fair question and a fair answer--its also about as compatible as Pauly Shore and Angelina Jolie. Rumors are circulating that this might be the guy. I sure as hell hope not. I'd rather no engagement than a short, miserable one. Roberto and Pops have a sit down and Pops gives his hesitant blessing. The man is no fool. This hasn't got a chance in hell. Pops and his milf-wife do some sexy dancing but...date-might-as-well-be-over. Ali shown to opine: "This is real...and I'm almost getting cold feet." Ya think?

Evidence of this theory wasn't long in coming either: not two days after having their publicist begging for privacy during these “tough times” Ali sold the story of their break-up to People Magazine. Roberto? He hasn't said a damn thing and probably won't. Back in Tampa, you could practically hear his dad nod his head and say “back to work, son. It will go away soon enough.” Ali is headed for any news outlet that will feature her, Roberto is headed back to work to sell more insurance policies. Not compatible. Longer I live, the more I realize that compatibility is the most important attribute a couple needs. They need a lot else, but If you don't have that, you're doomed from the get go. Most sober people agreed that Roberto was a mile out of her league anyway, and the inevitable chorus has started to promote Roberto as the next Bachelor. I don't think he'd ever consent, but he would be a popular choice. 

Reality Steve:

Ok, this was a bit of a shocker. Bachelor executive producer/cockroach, Mike Fleiss, has ordered his lawyers to go after spoiler-king, Reality Steve Carbone. Fleiss is alleging that Steve has been sending emails to at least one contestant urging them to break their unconscionable confidentiality (indentured servitude) contract and offering them money to do so. Before I begin this, allow me to insert a caveat: for all his spoiler info I gleefully await (like many others), I think Steve is a total asshole. He is rude, arrogant, mean, and dismissive to his own readers and anyone who watches this show. He is Fleiss' opposite number in every imaginable way; two cretins who deserve each other and go together like “stink” and “shit”. 
Caveat delivered, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to rise in defense of the defendant at the Bar: Reality Steve

Not a popular stand I'm sure, but one I'm forced to adopt anyway. Fleiss' allegation in this suit is that Steve has “harmed” his show by spoiling it is absurd on its face. Leaving aside Steve's odious personality and questionable methods of information gathering, the motivation behind this move is as transparent as cellophane; an attempt to bleed Steve out of money defending himself and to frighten Steve's sources. Fleiss, who continually Tweets in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement, (the “brothers and sisters”; “down with the MAN”) is being an iron-fisted hypocrite of the worst sort. A multi-millionaire “Wall Street” Sympathizer who is using the equivalent of mafia-style intimidation tactics against a blogger who's been a pain in his ass. The suit is frivolous beyond any credulity. I'm no lawyer (and don't want to be one) but proving “harm” when the exact opposite is true, is impossible. Legal blather aside, there have been two Bachelors in the the last 5 years of this shows run: pre-Steve and post-Steve. Steve started spoiling during the Jason Mesnick, Melissa Rycroft, Molly Mesnick (née Mallany) fiasco. The ratings before that carwreck had sunk so low that the show was in danger of cancellation. Since the spoilers, and all the tabloid coverage Steve and his spoilers have engendered, the show has had a ratings re-birth. A first year law student, armed with a ratings chart and a count of tabloid covers pre and post Steve, could eat Fleiss' suit alive, in the unlikely event a judge even allowed it to proceed. It's a joke;something worthy of Vladimir Putin or Hafez Al-Assad. It's the legal equivalent of a visit from two mafia goons, intent on breaking Steve's legs. It's sucks. Just like its plaintiff. 

Steve's personality aside, I cannot support this kind of legal silencing. I know many online are cheering his downfall, and I certainly understand why; Steve is a jerk of the worst sort, but cottoning these types of attacks in a free society, I cannot do. Steve may be a roach, he may urge people to break an agreement they freely signed, but trying to hush people through intimidation merely makes Fleiss look as mean and petty as he is. Unbelievably, that luminary of class, Jesse Csinsack (the "stoned snowboarder" from DeAnna's fiasco) insists he was offered 30 Grand by Fleiss to find Steve's sources. His comments on what a gut of bile Fleiss is notwithstanding, it's also obvious Csinsack tried to collect. He rails against Fleiss “the iron fist of Hollywood” and the slave contract he makes people sign to be on TV, while making it clear he practically broke his neck trying to collect the cash. Rub-a-dub-dub, three turds in a tub. But Fleiss wins as the biggest floater. Gross

Ok folks, that all for the off season wrap up. Allow me a moment to plug a fellow snark blogger and a damned funny one. On the left side of this page you will see a link to "Some Guy in Austin", a blogger from the great state of Texas. His site is called "Think It!". You can find it in the link lit on the let. After writing my blog I always head his way to get a few extra chuckles. Unlike some bloggers I could mention, I make no money from this absurd endeavor, and don't mind promoting a competitor who deserves it. Funny is funny, and this guy is. Check him out! Ok, until they spritz down the driveway, pull the wingman away from his soon-to-be-cancelled gameshow, and dress Ben up like a limo driver to greet his famewhores, enjoy the holidays and I'll see you when we are all desperately in need of a diet.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

8/30--Sadly, the Captain Must Withdraw


I started last weeks blog four straight nights and could still never finish. I am afraid, with much regret, that I will be forced to withdraw from covering this travesty. No, it's not because this show is Jersey Shore with better looking people either. No, it's that late summer and early fall are my busiest times of the year and well, if any of you have teenagers and college-aged kids, I don't even have to tell you. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

Regardless, come the launch of Bachelor 16: The Trials of Ben Flajnik, your Captain will be back on the fore deck guiding a new round of attacks and no silly little distractions like Real Life will get in the way of that. So, enjoy what remains of this awful, craptacular car wreck, and I'll see you all later in the fall.

Captain B.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

8/15--Bachelor Pad, Episode 2: The Modern Power Couple

The Godfather? "Don" Mushmouth Bologna
So, if Machiavelli wrote the Prince in 2011, he would use Kasey Mushmouth Kahl as his protagonist? Since when did some mumbling half-wit and his thunderously unpleasant girlfriend become the icons of tasteless power brokers? And their tacky kingdom is being threatened by the cheesy court jester who bounced around begging like a spineless sissy only to be saved a date with the wingman/ hangman by the intercession of the all-powerful Fleiss-god, who was determined to save the jester another week just to see if he can make me vomit? In between the Fleiss-god staged performances with his desperate famewhores that featured scary ghost-like stuff at a deserted hospital, where his famers reacted with terror at the danger of tripping on the forty-five members of the camera and production teams surrounding them and breaking their necks; by hooking up with unstable skanks to try and further their quest for cash; and pelting the opposite sex with metaphorical "money shots" of eggs in response to the most embarrassing and degrading questions imaginable. Does anyone else remember when half the activist groups in this country had a coronary that Bart Simpson was on TV? Jesus! I opened an old history book and pointed it at my TV screen when Kasey and Vienna Sausage started mocking the foul cheesemachine and the picture of Nero inside the book starting puking. I think we've finally hit rock bottom.

In The Court of King Mumbles and Queen Harlot

The Ultimate Woman! (Cough)
This must be the Land of Stupid I've wandered into. If Adam Sandler showed up in this realm, he'd be made the Court Astronomer. Regardless, before the dreaded minion of the Fleiss-god, Wingman Harrison, can even gather the famewhores up for their first round of humiliation, King Mumbles lets everyone know that he is in charge, and Cheesemachine Pavelka lets us know the king desires to lop his cheddar-head off. But have no fear, Pavelka will soon show us that he's willing to do anything to stay on TV for five more minutes, even beg the poisonous Queen of Harlotry to save his cheesy skin. A full twenty minutes of broadcast time concentrates on this vile threesome before the show can even get started. These three suck harder than a collapsing Star.

One Pavelka Omelet, Coming Up!

Harrison leads the bikini-clad babes and boxer-wearing beefcakes out into the Mansion Garden for a "game". Its the kind of game you would have played on the seventh grade playground if the local bully was in charge of recess instead of the teacher. But on Bachelor Pad, the bullies are in charge. The wingman lets them know its going to be Boys versus Girls, where he will ask everybody a string of insulting, demeaning questions, and you're supposed to choose the person who answers the question best and then you score points by pelting them with a paint-filled egg. Nah, there's nothing sadistic about that. Once Harrison got going with these unbelievably cruel questions, I was actually shocked he didn't announce a rule change and tell them to skip the egg and just piss on whomever they choose. Anyway, the boys line up first in their white gym shorts, get blindfolded and have targets painted on their backs. Lining up, they turn with their backs to the house and the girls are brought out one-by-one as Harrison fires away like a twisted Art Linkletter. The women creep up about ten feet behind them and open fire. Graham and Michael got hit a time or two, but almost every egg whacks the Cheesemachine.

"Which guy is the dumbest?"
"Which guy would cheat on you?"
"Which guy is the ugliest?"
"Which guy is the nastiest, most insincere cheesemachine?"
Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack!

Pavelka stands there, his cheddar-skin coated in dripping egg embryos. If Harrison had sprinkled some bacon bits on him and kicked him into the fire pit, they could have had a giant omelet. But he doesn't. Meth Head Melissa is declared the winner and recipient of an immunity rose. Now they bring the girls out and they are lined up for their turn to be humiliated. Now the spoilers said that they had to stop the contest after a few throws because these idiots were throwing overhand at the women from ten paces, but the way it was edited, nearly every throw looked underhand. From what we see, virtually no girl got touched except Erica Rose, who got pummeled like a U.S. Embassy in Libya. The wingman grins like Simon Bar-Sinister and reads out the questions.

"Which girl is the ugliest?
"Which girl would you least like to hook up with?"
"Which girl is the skankiest?
"Which girl is the biggest ho?"
Whack! Whack! Whack!

Erica stands there dripping metaphorical egg jizz and shaking with humiliated tears. (You should really consider getting a job, Erica.) In another of Carroll's Through the Looking Glass moments, The Money Shot rushes over to give comfort. Holding the miserable Erica by the cheeks, she assures her, "Everyone here is beautiful." If you ever wondered how they can edit someone who is willing to play along with their schemes even a little bit and distort them beyond recognition, this should do it. This is the Michelle Money the other girls on Brad's season all talk about: the one who did everyone's hair before each of their dates and was called Mama Michelle, not the poisonous jackal her sense of humor helped them portray her as. Anytime you wonder how low and skeezy the producers can be, just remember Mish-Hell! Anyway, Michelle wraps her in her arms and she and the other girls lead the trembling Erica away as the Cheesemachine whines about how much he choked and Breakdance Michael Stagliano is declared the winner.

As Scary as Touring a Library or Maybe the Set of Wipeout!

Whhooooooooooo! Oh man, this was terrifying! All that stumbling around in an empty building accompanied by fifty people in semi-darkness. All of those crew members throwing crap at the famewhores to try and get the to jump. Erica Rose leading a seance over some dead guys medical records? Lame won't even begin to cover this date. Michael Stag, as the winner of the Erica Bukakke Contest, gets an immunity rose and the pleasure of taking former fiance and Bachelor Bicycle, Holly Durst, to this scary, empty building along with the still dripping Erica Rose and the miles-out-of-his-league, Michelle. I'm not going to recap this idiocy until we get to the part where Michael gives Holly the rose so he can get her alone for a chat. Michelle and Erica cool their heels with some wine while Michael hauls Holly outside and he tries to fall in love with her all over again. This was edited so badly, I can barely tell what happened between them anyway, but I did notice Stag getting all serious and crying a lot, while hot-to-trot, Holly tries to lay the "friend card" on him. Michael fights the moniker, but Holly is interested in partying, not getting married. Sorry bud, and better luck next time. You'll be glad this happened Michael. Stupid, lame, dumb-assed date: over.

Horny Blake Decides to Play Meth Head Melissa

Now this was a brilliant tactical move. Just what kind of dentist is Blake supposed to be? Let me ask you, Dear Reader, would you let a man as quick as Blake is to whore himself out, put his hands in your mouth? Not mine, he isn't. Anyway, since she won the Make-Jake-An-Omelet-Contest, Melissa gets a rose to keep, one to give away, and two extra guys to dump. She takes the aforementioned porn star, suit-filling extra, Captain Kirk, and the King of Stupid Land, Kasey Mushmouth, out on a boat date. The boys swim around in the waters off the California coast, but Melissa has hatched an evil scheme to give the rose to Kasey, who needs it about as bad as Melissa needs a biker bar to crash in, but this won't stop Blake from trying to get the rose no matter what he has to do. Telling us in Private Interviews, just what an unappealing trash bag Melissa is, Blake also lets us know that he'd willing to throw down for the flower. "I feel like a whore prostituting myself this way, but I've got to do what I've got to do." Very wise of you to choose the most unstable maniac on this show to pull this gambit on Blake. You're making Jake look like a genius. Anyway, Blake gets her alone and hits her with cheesy pick-up lines to wiggle in close. He then holds his nose and kisses her. Yuck. When they return to the frozen boat seats, Melissa picks up the rose and hands it to the nasty dentist. Kasey curls his lip into a sneer and lets us know what he thinks of this sudden change in plans, "Murrfurr Bladavolt Melnishky!" The king sounds irked, I think. He and Captain Kirk are sent packing on a dinghy while Blake climbs all over Melissa. "It was easy. I just had some drinks." Spoken like a man with a great deal of practice on Friday night's down at Paco's Lube and Tug Bar. Yeah, you're sticking your hands in my mouth alright. Date over but his fun just beginning.

General Gia Plots Her Strategery!

We suffer through many scenes of Jake moping around navel-gazing about his impending doom and praying to the Fleiss-god for salvation before we see Gia the Pro has decided to become a strategy queen and enlists Graham's help to topple the Mumble King and his Harlot Queen from their thrones. Now, before I plaster the sweetheart for being a dimwit for choosing the king and queen's tightest ally to try and start her backstabbing, I will say that this plot would have stood a chance if Graham had been the friend Gia obviously thought he was. But the devil is in the execution, and the only execution this leads to is Gia's. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, but temporarily fixed is the head of a plotter who isn't too bright. Gia greets Graham out by the pool with a legal pad where she has carefully tallied up the opposing armies in the house and shows him how the two of them can emerge victorious as rulers of Stupid Land.

"Ok, ya see; here's how we do it. We do it like the Geeks beat the Condoms, ya see; we park an elephant on their doorstep..."

Anyway, Graham nods then (presumably) hurries away to the Stupid Throne and informs King Mumbles that General Gia is gunning for his noggin, but we never see what actually happened. What we do see is Joke Pavelka, desperate to stay on TV a little longer try and corral his poisonous ex-fiance, Vienna Sausage to do him "a favor". The only favor Vienna would do for Jake is if she saw him standing on a chair with a noose around his neck, she'd kick it out from under him. Jake whines and mopes but she won't even walk outside with him.

The Fleiss-God Intervenes and the Jester is Still Here!

Ugh! Night falls and the Cheddar-Jester keeps moping and even goes so far as to arrange a spineless, groveling audience before the king and queen to beg for his miserable skin. And Jake isn't playing when he decides to beg and slobber, "If I win the two hundred and fifty-thousand, I'm going to donate every single..."
Only the shrill laughter of the Harlot Queen drowns out my own at that statement and Vienna blasts away: "I know it all! Your limo company is $200,000 in debt so save it, Jake!"
Mushmouth starts playing with Jake like a cat with a mouse and Vienna mocks him mercilessly. Nothing more disgusting than watching a greedy, spineless liar and two greedy sadists have a threesome. And speaking of threesomes, looks like Blake the Horny Dentist had one of the worst ones in history. Blake, who is determined to get his ride on the Bachelor Bicycle, is being stalked by his self-inflicted problem, Meth Head Melissa. Trying to steal a few minutes to pop the kickstand on the bike, Blake can't wander away more then ten feet without Melissa tracking him down. As he lays in bed with Holly flirting, Melissa comes storming in and lays down beside them both and leers at him. Well you got two hot chicks, er, a hot chick and an nutso one in bed, Dr. Hard-On; what now? Melissa, who is about as stable as a meth lab, refuses to leave so Holly creeps away looking guilty. Damn! I was hoping for a replay of Melissa playing her favorite game with Holly, "You're a Psycho! No, you're a psycho!" Oh wellShe then berates Dr. Do'EmAll. "I can't trust you!" Ya think? Melissa finally shows up crying in a P.I. melting down about having "romantic" feelings for Dr. Herpes. Well, she is perfect Bachelor fodder; she falls in love quicker than water freezes at the South Pole. Blake complains she won't leave him alone. Brilliant move, genius.

Pretty Cool Game Where No One Knows the Rules and You Can Just Make Shit Up as You Go Along.

Well, how should I recap this since I'm sick of writing about it, and it was edited so sloppily I can barely tell what happened? I know, bullets!

  • Fleiss-god intervenes and saves the Cheesemachine for another week in hopes I'll have a stroke from watching him by telling the greedy ones that they will vote for two women this week. Harrison announced the move when Jake was practically mid-grovel and had his tongue on Kasey's shoe.
  • Vienna explodes and tries to lead a walkout since this is "cheating!" (Don't you need rules for someone to break for it to be "cheating"?)
  • Wingman Fleiss-Minion tells her if she doesn't like the rules she can get the hell out of Stupid Land
  • King Kasey sits with General Gia and smirk-mumbles that he knows she out to get him and she's toast. Gia storms around screeching how all these people are dishonest crapsacks; the producers would slip an emetic to their own grandmothers and ....(you get the idea)...and she storms out and leaves before they vote her out. Kisses, Gia; there could only be two reasons in the entire universe you're not married to a wonderful man, sweetie: either you don't want to or you have worse taste in men than Eva Braun. Either way, its been nice seeing you and I can't say that for too many in this franchise.
  • Eraser Head Ames has slobbered on King Mumbles to protect his sudden ladylove, Jackie Gordon, but suddenly Captain Kirk and Sultry Ella partner up so Kasey draws the dagger and plants it into Jackie's back.
  • Eraser Head Ames walks his gal out, and then jumps in the limo with her and drives away in his red-hot matador drawers and has women across the country cooing at his wonderfulness... temporarily. Turns out the two spoke in a conference call the day after the broadcast and a stunned and upset Jackie said Ames dumped her. Sorry, dear, but you know no fairytale survives in Stupid Land. So much the pity.
Epilogue: A break from my usual jackassery to send out pirate blues to Michelle Money and her family at the passing of both her father and grandmother within twenty-four horrible hours of one another. Chin up sweetie, and you're too good for this crap, and you know it.

See ya next week.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

8/8--Bachelor Pad; Episode 1--I've Got to Take a JAKE and Wipe My PAVELKA

Oh. My. God! You people aren't seriously going to hold me to that ill-advised promise I gave you to blog about this, are you? I just watched my first episode of Bachelor Pad and that was terrible! I'm talking Jersey Shore-awful here! Surely all my sweet readers will release me from my promise to blog about this train wreck, won't you? Pretty please? Look people; I'm old, decrepit, falling apart, and that was like touring a sewer for three hours last night, expect sewers smell better. Fine! Fine, I'll do it. But if you're expecting any modicum of fairness or gentility, well, you can just forget it!

The Wingman's Not Even Required to Act Like He Likes Anyone...or Even be a Wingman

Chris Harrison, smiling like a guy paid high six-figures to host a game show forty times a year, appears out front of the Bachelor Mansion with the driveway all spritzed down and glistening under the lights as usual. Yes, limos will pull up but instead of a hoard of catty women trying to capture the heart of some dork, out pop 18 all-star famewhores prepared to compete for $250,000 smackers! Harrison grins like a man just released from prison and gleefully informs us that the very worst the Bachelor has had to offer in the last 22 seasons are back, "Yes, even the crazy ones!" Well, you can't damn him for honesty this once. After a horrifying preview of what's heading my way, the limos pull up and here we go:

Famewhores on Parade

Harrison plays meet and greet like he's the Bachelor and welcomes them all back, even the ones he has trashed like moldy sandwiches in the past.

1) Michelle "Money Shot! Money--Comes out looking as gorgeous as expected and in a Through Carroll's Looking Glass moment, spends the whole night being one of the classiest, nicest people on the grounds. Expect major image rehab for the Money Shot.

2) Blake the Smarmy Horny Dentist--Hide the women! The recent escapee from the clutches of Ashley Hebert is aboard and screw the money, this boy is looking for some tail! Good god, he drooled on every female in the place and the way he acted, Harrison better shower with a bodyguard.

3) Holly Durst--former Matt Grant escapee, now referred to on the boards as the Bachelor Bicycle because "everyone's had a ride". Doesn't look like she's running from that nickname either. Blake's already circling and preparing to mount for his turn.

4) Graham Bunn--the legend. The guy who dumped DeAnna Pappas and ran for the hills like any normal guy would. Never thought they'd get him back in the fold. Still got the shadowy face and abs going on but what's missing is an awful lot of hair. Hey Graham, better call Jason Mesnick and get on the Rogaine program; you're starting to look a little elvish.

5) Justin Rated-R Wrassler Rego--Drops any pretense at acting like a normal or decent person from the get go. Brags he got busted for having girlfriends while trying to cheese Ali Fedotowsky and played the Rated-R bad boy to the hilt. Even blew Harrison off on the way inside. In Ottawa, the parliament winced.

6) Erica Rose--Former princess of Prince Lorenzo Baloney. Bragged she had grown up since then when she appeared like a spoiled little bitch, but certainly wasn't interested in anything icky, like getting a job. Agreed to make out with the men, the women, the Mansion's gardener and Harrison's labrador, as long as it didn't violate her morals, which she sporting admitted, we're non-existent. Needs to tell her plastic surgeon daddy to lay off the procedures though; she was supposed be around 25, but looking 45.

7) Vienna Sausage Girardi--One of the obvious Stars of this season. Worked hard not to dispel any notions that she is a vain, manipulative, immature, golddigger, and drama queen extraordinaire. Spent the first half hour of the broadcast whining about her "terror" at having to see former fiance, and fellow famewhore extraordinaire, The Evil One. She should come with a warning label.

8) Eraser Head Ames--Dude, WTF are you doing here? Your Mumsy just lost her membership at the Eisenhower Golf and Country Club for this.

9) Gia "the pro" Allemand--Well, ya see Gia got dumped by Jake, and then she got dumped by Wes, who was screwing Vienna after she got dumped by Jake; then she got dumped by half the New York Yankees and nearly all of the Boston Bruins, so she came back to get screwed over by Jake. Huh?

10) Kasey Mushmouth Kahl--Bring on the subtitles. I said during Ali's season that he needed to get the word "Lunatic" tattooed across his forehead. I was wrong. He needs to get "CHUMP" tattooed there instead. Vienna's latest fool. Just give him the money, he's suffered enough.

11) Jackie Gordon--one of Brad Womack's survivors. Educated, articulate; paid her freight onto this travesty by being mean as hell to Michelle Money on the Women Tell All. Brought back because somebody needed to come onboard to fight with Michelle.

12) Alli Booty--Huh? Did someone call for a large-featured, somewhat mannish-looking chick who actually does struggle getting a date in real life? This one mystified.

13) Meth Head Melissa--yikes! The skanky, twenty-five year-old waitress who was debauched and seedy enough-looking to play Cougar to thirty-seven year-old Brad Womack. Previews show Blake is already aiming his missile at this. Jesus, dude! How hard up are you?

14) "Breakdancing" Michael Stagliano--Jillian Harris' former high school student suitor who apparently jumped on the Bachelor Bicycle and almost didn't get off. Narrow escape, man. At least he looks old enough to drive now.

15) Sultry Ella--another Jake Pavelka survivor. Lookin' hot and sounding desperate. No wonder they brought her on.

16) William the Unwise--Another mystery selection. Unfunny, dorky Tool.


                                Ta Da!

As the great George Carlin once observed when smelling a truly awful fart: "It's not the smell; it's the burning of my eyes!"
I was going back over the count in my notes when the Wench Queen suddenly blurted, "Hey, it's Kirk." And sure enough, Ali's brave survivor of the mold monster attack, "Captain" Kirk was sitting there, and must be such a huge non-entity on this that he managed to slip inside without me noticing. I just looked up and he was there. Not sure that bodes well for you future in this game, bud.

The famewhores all stashed indoors, Harrison comes in tinging a glass with his cheese knife and announces: "Ok, you're all here; now let's get drunk and start hooking up!" I see Holly beat him to the punch. She spent the whole intro period eyeing Blake, hoping former fiance, Breakdance Michael would be a no-show, and was bombed before Harrison could even draw the cheese knife from its holster. And we're off! Ok, what happened? It's simple really: Vienna spent the whole time trying to introduce everyone to the "Monster" who was Jake just in case any of these other people had lived under a rock the past two years and were unaware what a turd he is. People paired off pretty quickly, since it seems impossible to win this contest unless you hook up, and since Vienna and Kasey were the only already established couple, they got all the attention and other possible hook ups wandered into their orbit. People like Captain Kirk and Alli Booty couldn't catch flies, while Ames stood around looking like a well-heeled museum patron who'd wandered into a porn theater. The rest of the evening was taken up by Vienna's former and current boyfriends sniffing around each other and pissing in the corners to mark their territories. Jake ran after Kasey and they had a man-to-turd talk. Kasey, who is about a foot taller, and forty pounds heavier than Jake, towered over him while Jake tried to talk him into not beating his ass. Shame; he succeeded.

The Missionary Challenge

The next morning we see several hook ups happened sometime: Eraser Head Ames has Jackie Gordon horizontal under a gazebo and is loving life, while Kirk gets a minute to whine to Blake that he got stuck with Erica Rose. Poor bastard. Anyway, Harrison leads them out front for their first challenge. The challenge is when the guys will be suspended 10 feet above beds in harnesses and the gals must hang onto their partner anyway they can, which means by aping the missionary position. They all mime the 'ol in-out and are hoisted up into the air. The couple that hangs on the longest wins roses and are immune to the first vote-off. For all the silliness of this, it got grueling. Some of the teams were what you would expect, several were surprises, however. Poor Graham, who's whipcord thin, got stuck trying to heft Alli Booty. It looked like a spider trying to web-wrap a Clydesdale. It takes him about 5 minutes to go "Urgggghhhh!" and disgorge her out onto the bed. She lands with a whinny and we're underway. As time passes, couples start falling out. Some left me scratching my head. William the Tool was partnered up with Gia, and he was one of the first to drop. Gia, who weighs about 75 lbs., scowled up at him, "I'm tiny. He couldn't hold me?" William's thrilled face pops up on my TV screen and crows, "I got to dryhump Gia! I'm the winner!" Idiot. Gia wanders away disgusted. The last two couples left hanging on are (naturally) Kasey and Vienna, and Jake and Jackie, who decided not to pair up with Ames for some odd reason. It goes past the thirty minute mark and the pain on the men's faces is evident. Both women hold on and ignore the burning in their arms and legs as well. Finally, Kasey, who is the largest of the men, is being cut in half by the harness and the voluptuous Vienna, and his legs start to turn purple from lack of circulation. "I can't..." Vienna, glaring over at Jake refuses to let go of him until he begs. Jackie releases Jake with a victory yell as Vienna hops down angrily onto the mat and Kasey is lowered onto the mattress in agony. Vienna, showing her character is not a result of edit, sneers at him and stomps away. Very classy. A moment later we see Kasey standing in the hot tub trying to get some circulation back into his body and Vienna stomps into the tub and busts his balls. "I expected more out of you!" Kasey tries to talk with her but any sign of disagreement on his part earns him a shout from Vienna, "You promised you would protect me! Why are you shouting?" Kasey, who had barely mumbled, shows how ridiculously pussywhipped he is and apologizes. Oh, son; grow a sack! Ugh!

Cheesemachine and Jackie "date"

Oh god. Night one and here's he is all in my face. Anyway, they head into town and he takes her to eat at a theater picked just to personally shove it into my eye: The El Capitan! (Up yours too, Fleiss!) They head down the street and some plump little girl has noticed the cameras and somehow figures out that her idol, the cheesemachine, is in attendance. Jake gets to act like a warm human being by speaking with the girl as she cries. "Hi, I'm Jake." Jackie stands aside smiling as the little girl fights tears and says, "You really do smell like Roquefort!" Anyway, the girl tells the Cheeser that being on TV was her dream. (get her number Fleiss; 5 more years and you got another famewhore.) They finally let her alone and Jake takes Jackie out onto the top of the theaters marquee for dinner where they strategize about what they will do the extra rose they were given. No, actually, the strategy consisted of Jake telling Jackie what a piece of tabloid trash Vienna was and Jackie, acting like a woman with a tenth of her actual I.Q., tells Le Fromage to do what he wants with the rose, maybe even give it to Vienna? Ha!

Cocktail Party Conspiracies

Before the drunken festivities can begin, Jake hauls his only supporter in the whole house aside and tells her he will leave her vulnerable at the vote and give his extra rose to Vienna. Gia splutters at him, "Huh?" Jake, who knows no one in the cast will ever allow him to win the money, only came back on this show for 5 more minutes of fame and to rehabilitate his pathetic reputation, hangs Gia out to dry and basically ends the entire game in the first week. With Gia forced to make a deal with Kasey to survive, Jake has guaranteed that Kasey and Vienna are basically bulletproof until the finale. Gia, who despite being sweet, isn't exactly the brightest star in the heavens, but even she knows what this means. "Jake, this is stupid!" Like he cares. He and Jackie call everyone into the central room and he gives Vienna the rose and tries to rehab his pathetic image. Vienna cries like she is being forced to sit near Frankenstein and walks away with the rose to do a P.I. "He goes next!" Brilliant move, Einstein. 

Now onto the drunken festivities. Rated-R slithers around the party trying to play some many sides of the fence he practically gets lost in a quantum dimension. He cheeses up Alli Booty, who runs and tells Graham and Michelle, who've allied themselves with Kasey and Vienna. And for ratting out Justin, they all target Alli? Huh? Alli stares around in disbelief as one after another person lets her know her number is about up. Rated-R gnashes his villainous choppers and rags Alli for being a drunken moron. The most powerful alliance in the house comes crashing down on these two non-entities and both are voted out. Alli walks away in a daze as Rated-R refuses to shake hands, steals Jake's rose and storms off to a limo to embarrass Canada.  

Previews: I couldn't watch another second and who the hell cares. Ugh! 


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

8/1--Fiji Finale; The Skinhead Stands Alone

The Happy Couple
And so it ends; one guy stands, the other falls. What a weird season this has been. Ashley Hebert's long slog to find a fiance finally ended with her picking New York elder statesman, J.P. "The Skinhead" Rosenbaum in Fiji. You can bet most fans walked away with a sense of getting their money's worth as the love story came to fruition on the beaches of Fiji. True, the fans of "Vino" Ben Flajnik were less than enamored by a lot of things, but the end has been reached. It definitely came with a different spin on the same old format too. For once, the family of the Bachelorette really did leave her "more confused than ever"... for about 5 minutes. After that? Captain Obvious re-took the con of this ship and sailed it into Heartbreak Harbor, stopping only long enough to torture wine merchant Ben by letting him humiliate himself by tossing out a proposal only to have it batted back in his face. Needless cruelty is always a Bachelor hallmark.

Twister Sister
Chrystie Adds Some "Corn". Ashley's older, skanky, loud-mouthed sister

This may have been the loveliest spot they have ever chosen for a finale before. After a season of touring monsoon hotspots, they moved the last two weeks to the South Pacific paradise of Fiji and just let the beauty flow in. It's here in paradise, that Ashley's family has arrived and perhaps for the first time in show history, their visit will turn into a critical act in the final play. Ashley's mom, step-dad, and little brother all show, but the big kahuna of this family is Ashley's older sister, the deliciously named Chrystie Corns. We saw her during Womack's last season up in Maine. Ashley's older sister bears a very strong resemblance to little sister, but is covered in garish tattoo's and is possessed of a very loud mouth. I didn't know until this morning that she is also on a TV show about couponing. You know what kind of show I'm talking about; those new shows where people with OCD clip a million coupons and then go buy out their local Kroger and get all the items basically for free? Their basements are stocked with forty-thousand rolls of toilet paper and they spend their families into the gutters on shelving just to hold all of their pelf? Yeah, real sane stuff. Anyway, sister is there to ride roughshod on the two remaining guys, one in particular. Ashley meets with her family and the other three are literally cardboard props as big mouth takes center stage.

J.P. Gets Some Family Lovin'

J.P is up first and he confidently predicts success with Ashley's clan. Ashley greets the close-shaved one on the beach and leads them up to meet the family. They clown around in front of the family and sit down for a brief meal. Mom welcomes J.P. into the family after 5 minutes while sister Chrystie watches them carefully. She then starts pecking away with questions, "Does he make you laugh?" Ashley stares blankly, "Uhhhhh...I make myself laugh." Chrystie's lip curls and here we go. A pow wow of family girls is called inside and sis drops the bomb: "This isn't the one. You're not yourself around him." The writing is on the wall of every structure in Fiji as Ashley breaks down and bawls. She's cried a lot this season but these are heaving sobs, and her choice of men is evident. Chrystie finally takes J.P. aside and trades "Corns" for "Horns" and gores him. "There's nothing you can do to change my mind. You're older, set in your ways. I thought she was more herself with Brad." Yikes! He got "Womacked"! Chrystie pounds away and J.P replies with all the right answers--compromise, a new life--but it matters not. Sister has judged and that's that. J.P. wanders away in a dazed stupor and he and Ashley go for a walk on the beach, and then things get really serious. Ashley fails to leap to his defense and basically tells him Chrystie has shaken her confidence in 'them'. Understandably upset, J.P. wanders away angrily. How this guy ever proposed, beats me. Meeting adjourned.

Vino Ben's Comedy Act is a Hit!

Younger, hipper, Vino Ben, filled with a confusing blind confidence he will ooze the entire night is up next. But before Ben can go and win plaudits, Ashley is still hung up over her sister's abrupt dismissal of J.P. and they meet for a seat on a wall and have a heated argument. Evident immediately, is just how powerful a personality Chrystie has. Ashley is dying for her approval, but big sister won't back off an inch. She says some things that make no sense "...you're an adult. I'm not going to sugarcoat it..." while at the same time "...I'm trying to save you from yourself." Contradictory much? But she also says some pretty honest things too, "You don't want my opinion! You just want me to agree with you!" Maybe Chrystie is just a loud-mouthed attention-whore; maybe she wants her own reality show, but this all looks damned honest; a family dynamic borne from a dysfunctional upbringing with the older sister assuming the mother role and the younger sister trying to break free from being the daughter. Whatever it is, its a mess. Ashley calls her a "bitch" and I suppose she was being one. She was certainly unfair and judgmental to J.P., but I'm having trouble faulting her. Ashley said she valued her sister's opinion way above her mother's, and you can see why. Weird family; weak mom; powerful older sister; and weaker younger sister. Credit though, they must have survived some tough times with this dynamic and you do what you must to survive. Regardless, here comes Ben, looking smug with confidence and its good (but confusing) to see. Ben handles this meeting the way he handles everything the entire night: with wit, charm, and real emotion, but also with a confidence that was as blind as Stevie Wonder. Where that came from we'll probably never know. Ashley greets him on the beach and leads him up to his own inquisition. They sit down with the family and instantly he and Ashley break into their comedy duo act of dueling dog voices. Ashley suddenly morphs into the giggling, hyper-active, Madawaska cheerleading captain. Chrystie smiles at her and nods. This is her little sister, not the demure, contained, older woman she was with J.P. Chrystie takes Ben out by the pool and warns him: "I've got some tough questions."
Ben smiles confidently, "I've heard. Shoot."
Chrystie batters away and Ben never breaks a sweat batting them back at her with ease. Chrystie glows and looks like she wants to jump him. Ashley walks Ben away and he is all smiles, certain he has won. Meeting adjourned.

Vino Ben's Foul Mudhole

Save it! Mudholes stink! They're not sexy, not erotic, and just plain gross. Watching these two coat each other with the bottom sludge of some fetid pond was just nasty; and speaking of nasty, what's with Ashley honking Ben's junk in the mudhole? He looked as surprised by that as I was. Wonder what Super Fiance thought of that little gesture? Regardless, wearing an orange shirt and old man hat, Ben finally gets a ride on a helicopter before he gets mud slimed and honked and he and Ashley do their usual peck-kissing while the sun is up. Once cleaned up, she heads over to his digs so he can drop the L-Bomb on her and they can make out. He pins her to the bed sucking her face off so J.P. can have something to store on VHS he can play every time he and have Ashley have a fight and he can get drunk and furious watching. She finally leaves and Ben is over the moon. Date over.

J.P.'s Hardsell

J.P.'s final date consisted of Ashley channelling her look-a-a-like sister and pounding him with pushy, agressive questions and J.P. responding with real, heartfelt assurances and pleas to hold onto her. Regardless, next time J.P. gets her naked, he earned the right. The guy held on furiously to what he thought was his, "Your sister is wrong!" he spent the entire time talking her off the ledge and then L-Bombed her before pleading, "Try not to break my heart?" Good stuff. Maybe even great stuff. Time will tell. As night falls, J.P. keeps up the full court press by giving her a scrapbook inscribed with a love letter that was a beaut. If that didn't seal the deal, then he didn't need her. But the time has come for...

Float Planes, Proposals, and Broken Hearts

Ashley awakes the next morning and writes in her journal. "I sooooo honked Ben's bobo yesterday and now I'm gonna' dump him. I wonder if Chrystie will think I'm a big whore..." and then gets ready for her big day. She lacquers up her fake eyelashes and dons her $17,000 dress as both boys go ring shopping. Neil Lane has once again set up his Ring & Hot Dog stand and awaits them. Vino Ben goes first and exudes more blind confidence as he picks out a rock and launches a Neil Lane commercial: "This is a Forever Ring." Good job, Ben. J.P. follows up and is already sweating like a prosecution witness about to testify against the Gambino Family. Lane plays bartender and asks him some questions about his "journey" and J.P can hammer his theme of a "Leap of Faith." Boy boys armed, they wash, dress and head to the float planes. Ashley wanders around the Final Rose Ceremony site--a beautiful beach inlet--and awaits them. Both boys fly in and finally the first lands. Out pops Vino Ben where the wingman awaits, and Harrison walks him to his doom. Bouncing with foolish confidence, Ben charges down to her and when she starts to dump him, he cuts her off and gushes. Filled with fool's confidence she stares at him as he falls down to a knee and smiling like a loon, launches a proposal. Then she reaches down and picks him up. Boo! That sucked! Needless. Hell, even J.P will watch that tape and look at his fiancee and ask, "What the fuck did you do that for?" There was no call for that. Ashley could have and should have stopped him regardless of what the producer's told her. Low blow! Ben stares at her, now fully awake to his humiliation and says, "Wow. I didn't see that coming. I guess that's it," and he stalks off. She gives chase up the stairs. He didn't shout, didn't cuss at her, but the guy is humiliated, stunned, and pissed. Argh. Argh! Argh!! Damn right, Ben Flajnik; you just got shitcanned and needlessly humiliated on National TV! You've got every right to be pissed! For the first time since Chelsea nearly tossed British wanker, Matt Grant into the Pacific for dumping her in favor of Shayne "Dalai" Lamas, we have an f2 who was truly invested and completely furious at being blown off. Props to the winemaker! Ashley tries to stop him at the top of the stairs but Ben dismisses her, "I don't need you to sugarcoat it! Nothing this good can ever end well--it just can't!" and he marches away, does a PI, and then climbs into a John Boat and is sailed away out into the open Pacific so he can presumably drowned himself if he wishes.

Briefly, they show Ashley crying over Ben but quickly cutaway to try and restore the good mood as J.P's plane circles in and lands. Harrison, who obviously managed to avoid Ben on his way out, greets J.P. and walks him down the same path he took Ben in on. Say what you will, but both guys were totally clueless about what was about to happen. Ben was blindly confident and got bushwhacked; J.P. looks ready to be sick and when he gets to Ashley he (wisely) goes into a 5-minute preamble waiting for her to tip her hand before he makes his move. At last she kisses him and calls him "Baby." The green light given at last, he drops to a knee and launches one. Acting like she's still dispensing roses instead of getting marriage proposals, she hesitates dramatically before saying "Yes!" He rings her up and suddenly every other word out of her mouth is "Baby!" Maybe she's been saying that all along and they've edited it out, but I doubt it. They then wander into the surf making out so she can ruin her $17,000 dress and Fleiss can blare, I Can't Fight This Feeling...

ATFR: Chrystie Has Her Crow Served Cold

But before big sis gets her comeuppance, Ben is brought out to relive his humiliation Live. Harrison comes flouncing out with his hair teased up wearing a pin-striped number and brings Ben out on stage. The wingman gives him props for getting pissed off and they visit with each other. Ben stays classy, but affected and the women in the audience go wild. Ashley is brought out to avoid the one question he wants answered like a skilled politician: "When did you know?"
"Blather, blather, blather, not telling, blather."
Ben departs and J.P is brought out to celebrate the fact he is engaged and didn't bother to shave today. They "oohh" and "awww" and sister Chrystie is wrangled up into the hotseat to apologize to J.P. and Ashley. Both look at her with smug grins. Ashley may be the little sister, but she is a one month away from an Ivy League Doctorate in Dentistry and is sitting alongside her fiance who is some sort of big noise in the New York construction industry. She stares at her sister, who is covered in tattoo's, divorced, a couponing queen, and all alone. Yeah, I guess she was allowed to look smug. Family harmony is restored as Chrystie bites the bullet and swallows the crow.
Season Over.

Ok, out into the world I release the couple for the truly hard part. They've spent the last three months hunkered down together in a foxhole while the media, tabloids, and internet nuts like me have thrown stones at them. Now, the hard part of folding one another's lives into one and living to tell, all while the paparazzi photograph them from bushes and their every argument is reported by "friends" on Twitter. Good luck, kids. But I will do them the favor I do for all Bachelor couples once their season's end: I'll leave them alone.

Next week: Its back to drunken whoring with avarice and greed in full display without even the hypocritical threat of love. That's right, next week, Bachelor Pad 2 premieres and your Old Ship's Captain will be on the trail this season. For all my readers who skip that cesspool of the decline of Western Civilization, I'll see you in the fall when somebody (Probably Douchy Ryan but maybe Vino Ben) returns as the next Bachelor! See ya then!

Monday, August 1, 2011

7/31--The Men BORE All

I've come to expect very little from these recap shows, but this one failed to meet even my low ball expectations. This will be a short recap.

The show starts with a taped Ashley piece so she can catalogue her "journey". Artfully edited out were the parts where her seething anger at the way the show kept her in the dark about Big Head Bentley and his real (and edited) douchebaggery came into play. The only thing obvious other than her understandable anger was the crushing effect being an internet dartboard of criticism has cost her. Her relief that the end is finally in sight was manifest. But hey, nobody said paying off those Dental School loans was gonna' be a bowl of cherries, dear. They walk through the season that had few highlights early on.

Harrison now moves to the outtakes, which are usually hilarious. I say usually because these weren't all that funny. Exceptions were J.P. the Skinheads first 1-on-1 date where he destroyed a home entertainment center, couldn't work a DVD player, and then had Ashley fall asleep on him. Harrison tried to stir some comedy by discussing with Ashley things the viewers noticed during the broadcast that the production didn't; a bowl of fruit arranged by a clever staffer to look like a man's junk, and Ashley keeping Vaseline by her bedside. (Obviously these things were noticed by the other 4 male viewers besides myself. Women aren't famously known for spotting a cock and balls masquerading as a banana and two oranges and understand a jar of Vaseline is more likely used for chapped lips than a sex lube. Yuck for kissing her at night though.) 

The Real Point of the Broadcast

A Fan at the Taping of The Man BORE All
Now we come to it. The theme of the entire night--the guests, the former cast mates, and the previews--were really all about pimping Bachelor Pad 2, which starts on Monday, August 8th. (Yes, the Blast will be covering that trainwreck this year as just another chapter in my quest to get the hell away from Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka, and his whiny, former fiance, Vienna Sausage.) Various love triangles and drunken make-out sessions were highlighted. Seated in the audience were three of the former cast members who will be joined by current ones, Blake, the Smarmy Dentist, William the Unfunny Wiseman, and Eraser Head Ames.  Michelle Money, Justin Rated-R Wrassler Dick and the formerly glacier-stranded Kasey Mushmouth Kahl, who from the looks of things, seems to have run into Vienna Sausage at a meeting of the Strange Bedfellows Society and can't seem to get rid of her, were all in attendance. Bet he wishes he's stayed on that glacier now. Should be funny to watch him try and guard and protect her vagina around all those other wolves.

The Men

Man, I almost slept through all of this. Things highlighted or reinforced: William is a d-bag; Jeff, the Mask is a d-bag; Tim the drunk was indeed bombed night one to the point of blacking out and was meeting his fellow cast members for the first time; Nick, (sans) Horrible Hair Highlights, got to be Harrison's co-host for the night and scored serious face time; Constantine Hercules was nearly silent (and he liked it that way) and chicks all want to bring Eraser Head Ames home and keep him as a highly intelligent pet. Sunny Ryan got his Bachelor candidacy off to a solid start by looking somewhat earnest and even more like a dork than before by admitting he had read books (and took piles of notes) on how to ask Ashley good questions? Blake reacted exactly like I did to Ryan's over-the-top meltdown when Ashley dumped him, but that doesn't matter. Ryan got a ton of face time, a trip to the Warm Seat, and he actually shaved his nasty five o'clock shadow. He's in.

Michelle Money

Since Bentley had enough sense to stay home, Michelle Money got a seat near Harrison to blandly explain her texts to Ashley warning her about Bentley before the show started. We learned nothing here except that Michelle is still ungodly beautiful and when not acting like a hired villain, she's actually pretty nice. Expect major image rehab on Bachelor Pad for her.

Ali, DeAnna, and Jason

Rumors say these three will be acting as Bachelor Pad judges this season, so they were all trundled out to give Ashley advice on how to handle the scrutiny of being the Bachelorette. Wouldn't this have been a bit more helpful before she filmed it? Nevermind. They all show up and remind us that they are all engaged to or married to people they met on the show, or in DeAnna's case, through it. Other than that, they join Ashley and empathize as she melts down about just what a brutal beating this job is. Future famewhores beware.


Hysterical! No, not really. Funny though, especially seeing Harrison deliver his famous "last Rose of the Evening" speech with his fly down and seeing Ashley nearly blinded when a moth flew into her fake eyelashes. Still much better than the rest of the show, as always.

The Finale

Ok, J.P and Vino Ben are still out there circling in float planes and waiting for Ashley and Harrison to get back to Fiji and get this over with. The finale is Monday Night and I'll be around to Blast it on Tuesday. We'll see ya then.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

7/25--Fantasy Dates Courtesy of Captain Obvious

Fantasy Date Week Means its Time to Get Jiggy!...or Not.
Hmm. I'm starting to wonder if Executive Producer, Mike Fleiss has been sniffing glue. Either that or a rug of biblical proportions is about to be pulled out from under the viewers. In all the renditions of this show I've watched, I've never seen one look as obvious as this one. Spoilers, schmoilers; I don't even have to look, and unless the FleissRat is planning to pull a fast one, neither do you, Dear Reader. I'm sure hooks, and dives, and god knows what else may await us in the finale, but for now at least, this sucker looks like you could end it right now. Last season I wasn't able to cover the end of that obvious outcome where Brad Womack came out and told Emily Maynard he was in love with her on the Fantasy Dates, but I did watch it. And even that ending had more doubt in my mind than this one does. Maybe Fleiss just threw his hands up when he figured out what a terrible actress Ashley Hebert is and decided to play it straight? Definitely not his style. That's the one thing that worries me. Be that as it may, Fleiss seems to have simply given up on this season and spent an enormous amount of last night's time promoting his next Bachelor, Sunny Ryan Park. If I'm right and the sleazebag is actually playing it straight for once, that's the payback we're gonna' get. Oh joy! Oh, unmitigated joy! Jake Pavelka didn't knot my colon sufficiently, so Fleiss is gonna' hire his twin brother to try and finish me off. Drop dead, Fleiss! I'll not be defeated! But first things first.


Ashley wanders around the south pacific paradise and spends a load of time recapping her men and their individual journeys. She also acts as a tour guide for the Fijian Chamber of Commerce, on whose dime this entire trip was undoubtedly paid for. They get their money's worth, that's for sure. Fiji is a wondrous-looking paradise and if you're into tropical getaways, its an eye-stopper. But that's hardly news, and neither are Ashley's feelings about the men. Constantine Hercules? She thinks he's hot, loves his family, but barely knows the guy. Vino Ben? Gushes on about him and let's us know she "may be in-love with him..." but fails to add the ending of, "...like my brother." J.P., the Skinhead? Wants him to strip her naked and paddle her with a Jewish cricket-bat. So much for mystery. Anyway, it's on to the Fantasy Dates....but first!

Son of Cheesemachine

Back for the second part of his Bachelor interview is the relentlessly sunny solar energy dork, Sunny Ryan; the obvious producer-pick to be next season's Bachelor. And just to make sure he's an episode-long irritant, Fleiss puts him in the lead off position to go and pester Ashley. Ryan comes walking down the jungle path to Ashley's bungalow sporting his carefully crafted 5 o'clock shadow and Hawaiian Tropic wardrobe; absent for only the most precious moments is his fake, disingenuous grin. Don't get used to it. He tells us he wanted to give her another chance...make sure she's certain...can't stop thinking about her, and a bunch of other lies. This guy was such an obvious plant, he smells like a bonsai bush. They made Ashley give him the First Impression Rose and then she avoided having a 1-on-1 date with him like the toothache he is until she was ready to dump him; collecting meaningless Group Date roses and irritating everyone in sight until she finally spent a painful afternoon with him, and dumped him before lunch even with no rose on the date. But she needed another chance to think about it? Yeah, right. Ryan knocks on her door and barges in like a vacuum cleaner salesman. She stares at him in horror: "Uhhh, Ryan! What are you doing here?"
He makes himself at home on her sofa and it's cheese time. "I couldn't stop thinking about you so I called Chris."
Uh-huh. Reached him at the Boom-Boom Garbage Dump, did you, Ryan? And let me guess: 'Ol Wingman moved heaven and earth and told you to come right on over to Fiji, did he? (The most depressing aspect of this is that there are people in this country dumb enough to believe any of this.) Anyway, before she can tell him to buzz off again, he drops his room number on her (in case the cameramen forget where they are) and departs to haunt the rest of the episode.

Vino Ben

Now that we have that out of the way (for the moment) it's time for the actual dates. Up first is California vinter, Vino Ben F.; a guy who I think everyone has come to like, even Ashley. They meet near the Resort and she greets him with a squeal and a hesitant peck. Heading out to view the gorgeous Fijian waters, Ben does some P.I.'s and lets us know he is either deep in the bachelor bubble or a half-decent actor. Swearing his deepening love they head out on a product placement gimme-boat named the Belmare and proceed to do some mighty awkward-looking suntanning. Ben gets to maul her while putting on some sunscreen and she obediently climbs atop his saddle to oil him up to. Giggling with embarrassment she rubs in the lotion and he asks, "Are you ok with this?" Wow, calm down. Wanna ask J.P. if he's ok with it, Ben? You know Constantine won't care. She finally climbs off and he thanks her for her hard work. Giggling, she nods towards his crotch and smirks, "Thank you for your HARD work." Nothing feeds a woman's ego like the knowledge that they are more in control of a certain part of a guy than he is. Some funny outtakes at the end of the show illustrate how well these two get on and just how falling down drunk they both got, but in the interest of pure romance, these are skipped so they can mouth platitudes and go snorkeling amongst the tropical fish. Later, they have dinner and Ben starts mouthing all around the 'L-word' but gets close enough to guarantee Ashley will use the sexcard Harrison wrote for them in between lap dances at his "office". Ben, who never looked like he sobered up from the boat trip slurs his ways through enough P.I's to insert some drama about the ending, or he would have if Ashley would have been capable of carrying off the charade well enough. Which she isn't. Too many close-mouthed, quickly broken kisses between these two makes it look like siblings trying to fool their aunt. Doesn't matter, Ben still gets to take her into the the season's first hot tub (can you believe that?) and get her blasted enough to try and take his shot. Date over

Constantine the Honest

Next up is Constantine Hercules, and at last! we see a helicopter. Ashley hauls him aboard and we are treated to a look at the gorgeous Fijian coastline until...haunting the rocky shoreline is Sunny Ryan, made to look like he's stalking their date. He's not. He's stalking us! Go away! Ahem, anyway, Ashley takes the guy she hasn't dumped out to an island oasis and a beautiful waterfall for a swim. It's all breathtaking except for the constant voice overs Ashley is doing: "he won't open up to me...he won't let me in." They finally get out of the water for a picnic and she starts comparing his slow house-shopping to getting engaged. As politely as possible, he tells her that time isn't the issue; loving her is. They finally break camp and head to dinner as darkness falls. I'll keep this short because it doesn't require a long-winded description. I'll summarize:
"You're not really into me, are you?"
"No, not really."
"Guess I'd better leave."
Constantine gets up and heads back to Georgia while Ashley dramatically reads Harrison's sexcard before leaving it on the table and wandering back to her room. Props to Constantine; he didn't try and lie his way into the Fantasy Suite for a high-pressure handjob. Date over.

Finishing the Job Interview

The next morning Ashley wanders over to Sunny Ryan's suite to put him out of my misery (for the moment) all the while admitting that Constantine did the right thing by pulling the plug and he set an example for her. Into Ryan's she goes and the director leads them out onto the balcony so Ryan can be close enough to a railing to perform a Mesnick when she dumps him. After a little preamble, and a ton of his fake grinning, Ashley says the magic words that have undoubtedly been spoken by a chorus of people who know Ryan Park in real life: "Ryan, get lost!" Ah, music to my ears. But this is just his cue, of course. As she leaves he starts winding up his Pavelka Act, "When am I going to find true love?" He breaks down bawling and goes all tourettes on us: "It'll happen; It'll happen; It'll happen; It'll happen." He should have tried, "There's no place like home; there's no..." It sounds better. See ya next season, you douche nozzle.

J.P., The Fiance

That might be a bit premature, but not by much. Ashley greets J.P. by practically tackling him onto the ground and they board a seaplane for yet another breath-taking view of Fiji. But really what we see is that these two can't keep their hands off one another and instead of her pasted-on smile, Ashley is beaming like a loon. The plane lands near a deserted island, but instead of rescuing Gilligan and the Castaways, these two hang out in the surf and marvel they're alive. Ashley hangs on him, bowing her back so broadly to get close to him she practically gives him a standing dryhump. Not content with that, he takes her out into the surf and she wraps her legs all the way around him and only a bathing suit slip is required to reclassify this as porno. They then lounge about on the beach looking like they need a cigarette and Fleiss makes one last-ditch pointless attempt to insert some drama by trying to show J.P.'s hesitant to tell he loves her. Wow, is that all ya got? Show the tape to Vino Ben and ask what he thinks of those short pecks now? As darkness falls and they have dinner at Tarzan's Loft, Ashley tells him that she had to "say goodbye to two guys today." Cheap trick, Ashley. Trying to convince him you dumped Constantine and Ben to get him to tell you he loves you.(Remind him to spank you for that later.) She finally confesses that someone had come back, and she didn't dump Ben and Constantine, but that Constantine and she both mutually decided that he had a ton of babes to score back in Georgia. Naturally, J.P thinks Big Head Bentley has returned once again. When she tells him it was Ryan, he practically snorts with derisive laughter. Ashley starts fingering the sexcard still trying to rook him into launching an L-Bomb her way, but J.P holds firm...until next week. Like it mattered anyway; nothing short of him slapping her face and telling her she was ugly was gonna stop that card from coming out, and sure enough, "Here; I have something for you," she hands it to him shyly. J.P takes the sexcard with a smirk and reads aloud:

                      Git ir done!

Argh! He takes her straight into the Fantasy Suite and this time Ashley doesn't need a gallon of wine and a hot tub to make it look like she's gonna perform. She instantly changes into a see-thru nightie and J.P tackles her onto the bed and they make out...and this time, she opens her mouth. The cameras pull back in a crane shot, only the flickering lights inside the suite visible from the exterior. But if you look on the bottom left, you can clearly see Harrison crouching by the window sill with a bottle of Old Collie in his trembling mitts, peeking inside. Date over.

What happened then? I have no idea. Seems the president and speaker of the house went a little too long blaming each other for this country's budget mess and the Wench Queen didn't adjust the DVR, so you know more than me. I could online and watch it, but since the entire family is down with a virus (including me) it's taking all my strength just to type this. If there's something relevant I need to know, feel free to leave a note in the comments down below. When we got back to Live TV it was...

Rose Ceremony Time

Not only time, it was late in the game. Whatever long-winded string of BS Ashley tossed at them was over and all she did was dramatically call out the 2 roses for the two guys who are left.

1) Vino Ben: All that winking and smirking and eyebrow raising he did to her makes me think somebody may have gotten a pocket massage as a consolation prize.

2) J.P., the Skinhead. So exhausted he practically stumbled forward.

Next week: More Fiji and Ashley's tattoo-covered, loud-mouthed sister comes forward to act like, well, a bitch.

Stay tuned next week for a double Blast! Monday will be a short write-up on the MTA and Tuesday will be the recap of the finale. See ya then!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

7/18--Hometown Harmony

This is Why I Get the Big Money, Kids!
It figures that with a season as depressing, mopey, and dour as this one, that we would get hometown dates that went swimmingly well. While the rest of Ashley's season as the Bachelorette has been about as interesting and fun as touring a landfill, the hometowns came off without a hitch. It was all smelling like roses, or bittersweet persimmons anyway, as Ashley finally gave up trying to ruin the Asian tourist trade and returned to the States to jaunt around and meet the families of the four guys she has left. And since Harrison had a bottle of scotch and an "important commitment" (see photo); Ashley starts us off with a look inside her very modest student apartment while she packs and recaps the guys for us. There are zero surprises as she highlights the men's strengths and we also see that Ashley fills another important qualification to be the Bachelorette: she has a piece of shit little dog. Now that's different.

My Big Fat Greek Family

Cumming, Ga.--First up is the twin brother of Vino Ben: Constantine Hercules, a guy way too normal for this show. Constantine, who hails from the Deep South, is Greek, but he happens to own an Italian Restaurant from some reason. I seem to remember that DeAnna, who is also Greek, came from the same part of Georgia. I wonder if there may be an enclave. Anyway, he meets Ashley by a lake in a park and they canoodle around on a park bench before Constantine takes her to his restaurant for some free advertising. They go to Giorgio's (Named after...Uncle Georgia?) and he guides her into the kitchen and they make a pizza. Stacking a pie with various ingredients, he fills his hands with mozzarella, looks at Ashley (but probably said to the director) "Is this cheesy enough?" Oh, you know it is, Dino. Once they're done, he takes her to the outside portion of the dining area so the restaurant waitresses can crowd around the window, ignore any other customers, and "ohh", and "aahh". The commercial over, its now over to mom and dads to meet the family. Awaiting them are Constantine's father, Dmitri, his MILFY mamma, Eleni, and his major league hottie sister, Maria. Mamma Eleni cuts straight to the chase and hauls Ashley aside and asks the big question: Since Constantine is a restauranteur and a local boy, would Ashley be willing to relocate? Ashley, smiling happily, assures mamma that in the one in a million chance she actually falls in love with her son, she'll be happy to relocate to Georgia, or frozen hell, whichever. Pleased, mama praises Ashley in a PI, and for some reason I'm surprised when I hear the Georgia twang from the Greek mama. I won't have that problem once daddy Dmitri gets going. Sounding like Zorba the Greek, pops tells Constantine to simmer down, and not to rush. Pops is solid. So is mom, and sis is hot. Great family. After dinner, when they get up to leave, the director cues the 4,000 Greeks they've had stashed in the garage and in comes My Big Fat Huge-Assed Greek Family. The living room is suddenly filled to bursting with every aunt, uncle, granny, and kiddie Greek you can imagine; they may have even borrowed a few of DeAnna's army of relatives, because if they didn't, Greeks must now make up the ethnic majority in Georgia. They spontaneously start Greek dancing, since its a well known fact that no more than 4 Greeks can get within 10 feet of one another without being require to dance and shout "Opa!" A fat uncle tosses cash everywhere as Ashley the dancer joins in and merry is had by all. Some 4 year-old Greek relative, showing wisdom beyond her years, stops dancing and collects the floating cash while Ashley parades around and is made an "Honorary Greek." Ashley and Constantine finally depart about 5 feet out onto the driveway, so half of the 4,000 Greeks can watch them share a tepid peck from the door and shout "Opa!" once more. Ashley gushes to the camera, "I've fallen in love with Constantine's family!" Ehh, Constantine not so much though. Date over.

The Eraser Head Goes for Broke and Comes Up Empty

Chadds Ford, Pa.--Yep, nothing snotty about that name of that town. Its on to the succulent meadows and meandering golf courses of Rich People, Pennsylvania; home of Ivy League Overeducated Finance 'bot, Eraser Head Ames; a guy who has grown on me as this season has progressed. I expected Ames to be from Money, how could he not be? And I wasn't disappointed either. As Ashley pulls up in this beautiful region, we see Ames throw us a curveball, however. Used to seeing him dressed like a yacht captain or a circus clown, Ames has raided Constantine's closet on the way out of Asia and goes for the rugged lumberjack look of flannel and jeans. Trying to show some macho, Ames waits on her and when she gets out of the SUV he jogs over and he, he....well,....that looked a bit gay there, Ames. Well not gay really, just a touch effeminate, especially with the baby blue boxers exploding out from around your waistband. C'mon son, I'm trying to cut ya a break here and you're not helping. Anyway, Ashley, transparent as ever, hugs him like what he is: a friend she kept around because he was a nice guy and fun to talk to. That's all. She had thrown the friend card down on him from the first night. Awaiting them is Ames' family: mother Jane, sister Serena, and his brother, Jim. The family senses Ames is in over his head almost at once. Sister Serena, immediately tells us she sees a light in Ames' eyes that lets her know he is thrilled, but sees nothing coming from Ashley. She sits her down and Ashley, to her credit, basically tells sis there is nothing between her and Ames without too much polite obfuscation. "Our relationship has developed much slower than the others." Sis nods and goes to find her brother. She tells him what Ashley said and tell him he better get moving if he wants a chance. Ames nods, and with his baby blue boxers sticking out everywhere, he takes Ashley to a magnolia tree in a beautiful park. The baby blues safely stashed behind denim, they sit among the soft falling petals of the magnolia with wine, brie, and caviar and Ames goes all poetic and starts saying outrageously smart things again. "I want Italian love. The Italians love ordinary love; they see the extraordinary in the ordinary." Ames lets us know he lost both father and stepfather and went to high school at a boarding school (surprise!) and was basically a very unpopular nerd. Ashley looks like she wants to hug him and whisper, "Sorry!" Firing his last bolt, Ames takes her for a horse and carriage ride along the Brandywine and still nothing. Shame, really. Date over.

A Family Still Reeling

Sonoma, Ca. Now that Ames is about to be dispensed, its obvious that unless something else goes tragically wrong from here on out, that Harrison, if he finishes with Minnie Mouse and the scotch, should just go ahead and be a no-show at the Rose Ceremony as well. But the visits continue anyway, and that means its time for Ashley the Former Lush to visit her dream area of North America: Wine Country. Sonoma, California, home of the first of the two fan-favorites, Vino Ben, is her next target. Ben greets her at his vineyard and they tour the fields and stop off at his wine storgage barn to taste the goods. Ashley, who was more drunk last season than any serious contender I've seen, must have gotten a load of herself on TV, remembered her alcoholic father living in the cardboard box, and called a halt. She has barely sipped anything this season, and has never looked even buzzed. That trend continues here, as she and Ben sip his vino but barely wet their lips. As rain falls, they crowd up on somebody's front porch and thus begins a series of pretty damn serious discussion, most of them centering around Ben and his passed away father. Ashley's eyes pop when she hears that she is only the second girl to meet his mom, and the "commitment phobe" red flags fly up her lanyard like a Hurricane Warning. Ben explains his insular nature since his father's death and Ashley asks tough--but fair--questions. Ben's explanations are given life when they go to meet his family. Greeting them nervously are his mom and sister, Julia; who looks a ton like last season's mortician-hottie, Shawntel Munster. Yum. But it turns out sis is one tough cookie. They never say if she is Ben's older or younger sister, but she sure acts like an older one. Sis expreses her doubts and even has a private get down with her brother, questioning the wisdom of this whole thing. Mom shows some pictures of her kids while she and Ashley talk about her passed husband and the effect it had on Ben and his sister. Truthfully, the most illuminating thing on the whole date was Ben's talk with his mother, where he apologizes for going AWOL on her and his sister when dad died. Its a good moment for the family, but I'm not sure its a great one for Ben and Ashley. The thing whole thing, pleasant and of a healing nature though it was, was loaded with potential red flags. Ben acts eaten up by guilt about how he acted and it would have been easy for Ashley to read some of his comments as being told she would always come behind mom and sis in his eyes. The date ends with Ben crying in a private interview about his father, but he's saved the pussy label because he cried about one of the few exemptions written into the International Mancode; crying about your passed father. Date over.

J.P.'s Terrified Family

Roslyn, N.Y.--Man; I'd love to know just what happened to J.P when his last relationship ended. In all the seasons I've watched this show, I've never seen a family more terrified that their guy is gonna' get dumped; and all of them finished every terrified cringe with the remark "...like happened last time!" Wow, J.P. The Human Grenade. But before we can get to their terrorfest, J.P. meets Ashley on Long Island near a duck pond and takes her to the roller rink. As they skate up, Ashley lets us know that she roller blades and figure skates, but is nervous about being on roller skates? Ok. Anyway, both she and J.P make it around the rink in apparent silence, while we at home are bombarded by Kevin Cronin and REO Speedwagon and their 30-year High School reunion favorite, I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore. How do I know this? Because the second J.P. takes a spill, the music abruptly stopped. How cheesy. They leave the rink with kisses all around and head over to the meet the Bomb Squad J.P's family. Dad Peter, who must be a mute, Mom Ilene, Brother Roy and his girlfriend, Andrea smile and greet them before things turn serious. Mom Ilene is the first to get breathless with fear. She sits her son down and does the 'ol "...like last time!" bit. J.P. assures her that he and Ashley have a deeper connection than she does with anyone else. Ashley moves into mom's terror seat and Mom trembles that J.P might get dumped. We never see what Ashley actually says to mom, but her fears are instantly allayed. Meanwhile, brother Roy is cringing in a sit down with his brother. "I'm afraid...like last time!" J.P assures him he is ready to get hurt if necessary while in the other room mom looks ready to throw a party and dad sits in his chair like a big lump. Ashley and J.P. talk and Ashley does express concern about why its been so long since J.P has been in a serious relationship since he's so old. Ouch! J.P just grins and shrugs again. Finally mom, now euphoric, whips out a huge framed photo of J.P.'s bar mitzvah that J.P. himself accurately pegs as looking like "Kirk Cameron." Date over

Cocktail Party
I see the wingman managed to shake loose from Minnie Mouse and he greets Ashley at the Bachelor Mansion and good lord, Ashley looks good in a supertight black dress. Wow, her best look of the season. They sit down and Ashley praises Constantine's family "best hometown by far!" and generally recaps what we just saw without a hiccup. Harrison bolts for the open door as she stands to deliberate and there is no sign of indecision this time.
Harrison and the boys wait in the next room and the only thing that looks different is Ben's hair. Obviously feeling penitent to mom, who had ragged his stringy locks at home, Ben has gotten a haircut, but I'm sure I like it any better than my wife did.

1) Vino Ben--maybe red flags or not. Or a good setup as the next Bachelor. We'll see.

2) J.P. The Human...the Skinhead--I better watch myself or his legions of wild-eyed female fans will lynch me.

Wingman: Ashley, gentleman, it's the last rise of the night. Ames, you are a unique person. I'll see you on Bachelor Pad, and I was NOT with Minnie Mouse!

3) Constantine Hercules--ho hum. "Is that rose for me? Really? I barely noticed."

Dumped: Eraser Head Ames, aw, damn, what a shame. Poor Ames starts looking around like Sunny Ryan popped out from behind a drape and punched him in the noggin again. The guy is stunned, and in a millisecond you can see the horrifying memories of being a nerd in a boarding school and the nightmare of a thousand wedgies come over his face. But maintaining his cool, Ames pastes his perma-grin on, and tries to wink at Ashley. She walks him out and he maintains the class, "You are an exceptional person," shakes her hand and gets into the limo. The guy is just crushed. Can't get mad at Ashley; there was just nothing there, but it's a shame. I'm sure there is a lot of sweetness being sent out to Ames, but most of the women I've spoken to about the guy like him like Ashley did; he's just not alpha male enough.
Although I've stayed away from the blizzard of spoilers on the net about Ashley's season, I have looked at the Bachelor Pad spoilers to see if I want to blog about this year. And lo and behold, who is there, but the Eraser Head. And according to what I saw, Ames gets himself a hook up, and damn if he doesn't seal the deal in true Ames fashion. Sally forth, Good Eraser Head and take not counsel of your boarding school fears, and when you're done plying her with you cultural erudition and poetry, how about knockin' the bottom of that a few times for your old redbeard. Remember, your Captain believes in you.

Next week: Off to Fiji for the Fantasy Dates. See ya then.