Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Sean, Week 3--Is Stair Diving a Sport Now?

Greetings gang, and welcome to another week of Sean Lowe love on the Bachelor. This week, Sean and the girls remain stuck in LA. Thanks Fleiss. Nice budget you got going on there this season. Dates on Hollywood Boulevard; dates at the local beach; and one crummy date at Six Flags Over Shirtless; bargain basement Bachelor has returned. Despite the fact that the cretin who produces this pap is so tight he squeaks when he walks, good man Sean continues to impress with his cool aplomb, finely honed listening skills, and classy demeanor. I'm certain he is also impressing the female and gay male audience with his serial nudity. For a guy who is as Christian as St. Thomas Aquinas, he's naked more than a porn star. Just another case of the schizo nature of the this show I guess. Well, this week the proceedings begin with Sean jogging naked on a treadmill telling us that he already has feelings for a pile of women. Meanwhile the Wingman has crashed the mansion in his seasons uniform of a blue Oxford and quickly rounded the women up for one of his motivational pow wows: "Not everyone will get a date this week; my advice to you is whenever you get one spare second with Sean, tear any remaining clothing he has on off. If that doesn't work, try hurling yourself down the staircase for additional sympathy. What's a broken neck when compared to not getting a rose?" Harrison then smirks, drops the date card and departs. Selma Vavoom saunters over and reads the date card while Robin Condoleezza Rice decides it time to talk like a black stereotype: "I hope that card says, Robin, let's ditch these bitches and fall in love fo' real, Sean." I hate to say this but....(spoiler) it doesn't. The Vavoomer reads, "Lesley", and drags out the last initial long enough for the other remaining black girl to eat some crow, "M! How long will this love last? Sean." My guess would be until he finds out you're a godless Democratic political operative who wants to take away his guns and make him eat high-carb quiche, but that's just a guess on my part.

Worlds Longest, Forced, Embarrassing Kiss

Before Sean can check her political affiliation, Lesley the Political Operator vamps it up, packs her shit in case the rose is not forthcoming, and acts happier than James Carville at a George W. Bush roast. A quick cutaway and we see they're already in the limo and Sean is dressed down while poor Lesley is way overdressed. Sean makes her play guessing games and it's pretty clear that Lesley is hoping for a plane ride somewhere. No dice. Sean hauls her to the Guinness World Record Museum where Lesley demonstrates that she understands her profession by waxing politic about being hauled to a crappy museum in a rundown section of LA. Despite the crushing disappointment, she smiles through the pain and allows Sean to walk her around the museum and manages not to look on the verge of death with boredom. She goes on about how "normal, natural" it all feels. Translation: This date sucks! But I guess it's better than being stuck in the mansion with a horde of catty, drunk bitches! Finally we see why Sean is happy to be there--his daddy set a world record for the shortest amount of time to travel the contiguous 48 states by car. Well, excuse me. I didn't know Sean was from such a high falutin, overachieving bunch.  Frankly, I would rather have admitted my old man held the world record for World's Longest Continuos Beer Fart. If Sean ever needs his nerd credentials, he can skip the Star Trek convention; this should do it. Amped up at getting himself (and Lesley) into the record books, Sean tells her to follow him outside where a crowd--and the Wingman--await. Turns out Lesley should have asked to borrow Sean's rape whistle he threatened to use two weeks ago on the 50 Shades skank. Seems Harrison and his greasy producer-buddies have decided to put on a public smooching display that the Ancient Romans would have found lacking modesty. Sean and Lesley are supposed to break the record for longest on-screen kiss. Lesley blushes like a strawberry, but it seems that the producers have checked: contractual rape is still legal in the old US of A, so put down that rape whistle, Lesley, it's time to get smacking. With both Sean and Lesley ready to die with embarrassment, the Wingman and the crowd count them down to 3:15 like the ball is about to drop on New Year's Eve. They picked now for everyone to be sober? Whatever. They break the record and Sean joins his dad in the Guinness World Records book. He shouldn't have bothered; he's already there. He's already topped David Hasselhoff for most shirtless scenes on a stupid TV show.
Regardless, now with the stupid crap over with, Sean takes her to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel for a drink. They compare notes and things go very well...again. Lesley gets to extoll the virtues of her family and she, like Desiree the Derriere, has parents that are still married and madly in love. Sean once again looks besotted. Rose? Another formality. Date over.

The Olympics it Wasn't

How bad was the volleyball match? Let me put it this way, they should have included Circle-Swimmer Sarah; she would have been the star of the match. Sean now takes 12 girls all of five miles from the mansion for a beach date at Zuma. Several highly aggressive bimbos--namely Amanda the Odd and Kristy the Dude--predict they will all but kill anyone in a competitive contest. But before they can trample anyone, Sean tries to soft sell the whole thing: "We'll just have the day to do what we want--play frisbee, whatever." Who else is not buying this? Camouflage Catherine, for one: "We know somethings going on." Well at least we have one contestant who has watched this show before. Despite stripping down to bikinis and baggies, the relaxation is short lived. Popping up from out of the sand, the Wingman suddenly appears like a pervert genie with a pink shirt and announces there will be a spastic volleyball game between two teams of six--winners get "special quality time" with Sean; losers get "special quality time" back at the mansion with mimosas and hang out around the pool like they are on an expensive vacation. I love it when there are no losers. But you'd never tell from the quality of athleticism on display. I know, I know; most of these girls are models or wanna be's. I wasn't expecting olympic quality athleticism, but this was pathetic. It was so universally bad it's simply impossible to pick a least valuable player. Desiree the Derrière probably looked the best; all the others looked the worst. The two teams were Red: Taryn the Dress Filler, Kristy the Dude, Daniella the Drunk, Lesley the Poker Dealer,  Camouflage Catherine, and Tierra Dramatica; and Blue: Cousin Kacie, Lindsay the Bridal Drunk, Jackie the Invisible, Robin Condoleezza Rice, Desiree, and Amanda. Anyway, the game goes on and they flail, miss, hit under the net, and just look completely spastic in general. Somehow all these flailing whiffers manage to play to a bunch of tie scores and I guess Sean was supposed to help...somehow. Harrison meanwhile spent his time ogling the women while they dove and missed one after another. Finally Desiree gets one over the net and Tierra--who will look more athletic later when falling down the stairs-- proceeds to hit it backwards. Nice shot, DramaLand. Anyway, Blue wins so Kristy the Dude starts crying to hide her huge adams apple and prominent bikini bottom bulge. Seeing no point in not helping out, Lesley the Poker Dealer sheds some empathy tears just for kicks. I would comment on the reactions of Camouflage Catherine and Invisible Jackie, but as usual, they had vanished from camera view.

Cousin Kacie Has a Cunning Plan

I just have no idea what it was. I actually went back and watched this over again and I still don't know what she was trying to do. I think the bottom line was: Desiree and Amanda exchanged two mildly unfriendly words with each other so Kacie decides to take action. More on that in a minute. First though, Sean takes the ladies back to "his" place. Hey, no sense in spending any money by renting a restaurant or booking a hotel roof--just pack them off to the rental. Fleiss, your miserliness is becoming legendary. Once Sean gets them home, Lindsay the Bridal Drunk gets a moment alone with him and puts on the hard sell. "Sean, you are wonderful; you are exactly what I've always dreamed of. You, sir, are a fucking god!" or something equally desperate-sounding. Once he sucks her face off, he hauls Desiree and her lovely derrière aside so she can keep on looking like a mix between Katie Holmes and Phoebe Cates. She insists she is "spiritual, emotional, etc," and tries to sell herself as a super optimist...with a great derriere. Sean appears to notice. We get a quick segue back to the mansion where Tierra Dramatica gets to add 'comedian' to her bitch resume by trying to bait Selma and AshLee into thinking that the date card she is reading is for a dreaded 2-on-1. Har had. Anyway AshLee hears "AshLee, did your adoptive daddy really spell your name this stupidly?" or something like that. Anyway, AshLee gets the one-on-one and Tierra keeps on arranging for her crucifixion on the Women Tell All.
Meanwhile, back at Sean's rental digs, various women predict it's rose time. Amanda gets a few moments of Sean's time and she tries to brag and starts out by saying, "If we get married..." whoa there, little lady. Getting a little forward, aren't we? Amanda, who has been edited to look like a kook, seems intent on bringing the edit to life. Once Sean manages to get rid of her, she runs back and brags in front of the jealous Desiree, so Cousin Kacie unleashes her fiendish plan. But first, she gets hammered. And I do mean DRUNK! Her face swollen like she got five bee stings at the beach, Kacie starts to take on the countenance and mental acuity of a 35 year-old barfly. She hauls Sean aside and...I still don't know. All I'm sure of is she tries to stir some shit over the non-existent fight between Amanda and Desiree, and Sean looks at her like she is a drunken loon. ""Why are you getting involved in this?" and "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person." Ah, the old boomerang plan--throw it and then stand there wobbling drunkenly while it comes back and takes your head off. She's a show veteran? Terrible. The tattletale always dies a horrible death. And just to grind some salt into her wound (as well as Desiree's and Amanda's) Sean gives the rose, and a desperation gold medal, to Lindsay for kissing his ass the most thoroughly. Date over.

Six Flags Over 4's a Crowd

Man did AshLee the Misspelled love this. That poor woman just got the most gypped 1-on-1 date I may have ever seen. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing the little gals get their "date". AshLee though? Uh, not so much. First she gets rooked when Tierra Dramatica hears the producers announce that Sean is coming up the walkway and launches herself "falls" down the stairs. Right. She tumbled down a marble staircase and got zero injuries. Uh-huh. Just a little headache that is instantly cured by Sean paying attention to her. Dude, you may be the Magic Christian, but you are sooooo thinking with your dick. This gal is what we used to call "third date crazy." It takes until the third date until you realize she's a psycho. Anyway, Fleiss calls in paramedics to try and strap the "injured' Tierra to a stretcher and after acting all concussed for who knows how long, she refuses all medical care and pops up like the faker she is. Sean takes her out back and they coo and cuddle while the completely overdressed AshLee starts to fume. Finally Sean leaves Tierra's side and takes AshLee for a ride in an open-topped Jeep. Ah, the fun begins. Not even the four pounds of hairspray she has on can save AshLee's hair and it blows all over hell. Sean, dressed like a beach bum, and AshLee, dressed like she's expecting a trip to a cotillion, end up at Six Flags Magic Mountain. AshLee then gets another lovely surprise to find out that two young gals who suffer from a mitochondrial disease will get to meet each other for the first time care of the Starlight foundation and Mike Fleiss. AshLee tries to smile through her grimace. Sean grins happily and the two little gals show up and crash their date. AshLee plays good sport but this had to suck! I know, I know; it was cool. But as a date? I don't blame AshLee for looking a little grim. Regardless, the two girls who have a congenital disease don't mope, they don't bitch, they don't cry and fake toss themselves down the stairs--they just go and have a damn good time. Sean and AshLee are mere afterthoughts, and good for the little girls. Considering what a shit sandwich life has served both of them, the contrast to how women usually act on this show was illuminating. I was hoping Sean would give them the rose. Anyway, once the girls make scarce, Sean and AshLee get a few moments alone and she has a major hardship story of her own to sell. Turns out she spent her youth in foster homes and was adopted at six. Her tale is sincere and tough and Sean is clearly affected. He bawls when hearing how her dad charmed her when they met and is spared the pussy buzzer because it was a real moment. Then the Eli Young band comes out and moans and groans some country music, and they dance. She has a great story, but are these two a big thing? I didn't see it, but the rose is a guarantee. Date over.

Cocktail Time

Sean comes into the party and promptly snatches the dateless Circle-Swimmer Sarah outside to meet her dog, which arrives in a limo. Well that explains the non-existent budget. Fleiss spent all of the money flying a dog around the country and renting it limos. How funny is this? In a mere few moments, Sean will dump Cousin Kacie and she gets hauled away in a cargo van. Sorry Kacie; Leo the dog has the limo. After that? Not much. The women go crazy stealing Sean away from one another, but unfortunately, Circle Swimmer Sarah doesn't take part and robs me of the chance to call her a "one-armed bandit!" Damn you, Sarah. Anyway, nothing happens. The invisible girls remain invisible and the visible ones hog the air time and commit Sean theft. Sparing a few moments from curating his pic collection from the beach, Harrison enters tinging cheese knife and wine glass.

Safe: AshLee the Misspelled; Lindsay the Bridal Drunk; Lesley the Political Operator.

Harrison lines them up and Sean comes in only to stall. He hauls Cousin Kacie, who has chosen to appear at the party dressed in a Day-Glo wetsuit cut like a miniskirt (WTF?) to dump her privately. Sean keeps it short and basically tells her to get lost. Kacie is out loaded into a cargo van and is driven away, her boomerang strategy performed to perfection. On the highway, Leo the dog, his limo loaded with bitches in heat, stops lapping at his bowl of champagne and shoots her a bird with his middle paw.

Sean returns and gets down to it.

1) Tierra Dramatica--hahahahaha.

2) Lesley the Poker Dealer--For the first time, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a black dress filler.

3) Camouflage Catherine--becomes visible long enough to collect the flower then fades back into obscurity.

4) Daniella the Drunk--Stagger on up there and get your flower, killer.

5) Robin Condi Rice--didn't bother with any street sister shit talk; we still remember you're black. You can relax.

6) Selma Vavoom--previews hint at additional national television exposure next week.

7) Circle-Swimmer Sarah--Her dog is living the high life.

8) Invisible Jackie--Ditto Catherine

9) Amanda the Odd--Ok.

10) Desiree the Derriere--considering she was shown clearly holding a rose when Selma returned with hers, I think we can conclude that she wasn't last.

Dumped: Taryn the Dress Filer--bawls.
Kristy the Dude--whips it out and takes a leak in the rose bushes before bawling about what a trainwreck her life is.

Next week: LA, on the cheap; what else? See ya then!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Sean Week 2--Finding The Villain

Greetings folks! Welcome back for week 2 of Sean Lowe's shirtless adventure. Tonight was actually fairly enjoyable as Sean moved around getting to know the women while executive producer Fleiss spent his time trying to flim-flam the audience with a smokescreen or two, before concentrating on finding this season's villain. You know what I mean; the same scenario as every season? There is nothing more common on this franchise than the girl "everyone hates." It didn't take long to spot her either. As for the rest? No matter how hard the producers tried to focus on the tasteless, the bizarre, or the downright insulting, Sean Lowe just kept coming across as an everyman with taste, manners, and perhaps even a sense of honor. Good for him. Fleiss must be pissed.

The Wingman Starts it Up

Chris Harrison came stumbling into the mansion wearing his casual clothes and cued the women up for the week. Making like the cawing macaw he is, the wingman had barely cleared his throat before the women were reminded (again) just how sincere Sean is. "Caaww! He's sincere! Caaww!" Sell it till it bleeds, wingman. Anyway, once Harrison has given America a quick reminder that when "compared to every other Bachelor I told you was the most sincere, that this guy is REALLY THE MOST SINCERE!" it's off to work we go. He drops the first date card and smirks in parting, "I'm really felling this. I think when this over, Sean is going to get down on his knee and propose to one of you." You mean like every one of the last 6 Bachelors except Brad? Not exactly the Amazing Kreskin of predictions, is he? Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain, grabs the card, ignores Harrison like the garden gnome he is, and calls out Circle-Swimmer Sarah for the first 1-on-1. "Sarah, are you ready to fall off a building today? Sean"

Sean Gets Sarah; Sarah Gets Stumped

Wow. Just wow. This was the worst fuckin' thing these soulless producers have ever done. I'm used to this show being exploitive in nature: if you're divorced, that's the sum total of what you are; if you have kids, your life is nothing but your children. But this stunk to high heaven. They brought a pretty, intelligent gal with a handicap onto the show for the stated purpose of showing that her handicap doesn't matter, then spent an entire 1-on-1 date focusing on nothing but her handicap. Plenty more on that as we go. But first, Sean flies in on the season's first helicopter to pick Sarah up for an adrenaline date. The fact that a helicopter was used amazes show veteran Kacie B., who is either working on her lying skills or as dense as a bar of titanium. No matter, Sean emerges from the chopper and collects Sarah. They soar off to their destination and Fleiss begins focusing on Sarah's missing wing. The editing is shaved so that Sarah is barely capable of speaking when not referencing her missing arm, which is how she normally talks, I'm sure. As her edited words are cobbled together into a handicap concentrate, Fleiss's camera cretins zoom in on her stump no matter where the two of them are or what they do. Every time Sean gets near her, the camera dives on her stump. I'm scowling a mile wide before they can even land on the roof of some building. Sean ignores the arm like he promised he would and takes her over to the buildings roof and they look over the edge so she can whine. They strap into some harnesses while Sarah keeps whining, "Oh, my gosh!" while the camera pulls back to zoom in on her stump some more. They strap on some helmet cams and a cable crew free drops them over the side where they rocket toward the ground. I'll say this, most dumb building stunts they show are ridiculous; this one looked damned scary. Sean is obviously no nancy boy. Can you imagine Jake Pavelka doing this? He'd piss his pants just looking over the edge.  Anyway, once safely on the ground, Sean takes her aside for a champagne toast and Sarah is allowed to show why she was picked for this date by relating a tale of being kicked off a zipline because she only had one arm. I was sad to hear that and genuinely pleased she got to free fall on the show, but the relentless focus on her handicap was just disgusting. Sarah, I'd like to apologize on behalf of everyone in BachelorNation. I'm sure there's a lot more to you than just your handicap. Let's take your voice, shall we? You are whiny as hell. Your voice drives me nuts. If I had been Sean and you kept on whining "Oh, my gosh!" in that nasal moan of yours one more time, I would have jumped off the building without a harness. See? I treated her like a normal contestant without mentioning her handicap. Watch and learn, Fleiss. Not that this will go on too much longer regardless. Sarah and Sean had as much sexual chemistry as a stapler and a paper weight. The friend zone vibrated off these two, but there was no way she was getting dumped after that. Date over.

Villain Ahoy!

Ah, a little villainy. We made it all the way to week 2 before she emerged. Sean takes 14 women to go to a photo shoot to be on a Harlequin book cover. Sean is seen moping around the front of some LA mansion that doubles for an antebellum castle as the women pull up in limos. Selma Vavoom immediately starts comparing him to Prince Charming. I felt lucky that we were spared a crossover moment. Since Disney owns ABC, the Bachelor, and Once Upon a Time, I was waiting for some cross promotion stunt, but was saved by Fleiss' stingy budget. Come to think of it, Disney owns Star Wars too; would't you just love to see Harrison wandering around dressed like Yoda? Keeping with the theme, they could dress this season's villain--Tierra Dramatica-- like a midget Darth Vader. They might as well. We know what she's there for, don't we? Shocking, we have girl there who's "not here to make friends," and is unhappy that other women get to date her "boyfriend". Does Fleiss think he has nothing but new viewers every season? We've seen this particular trick, Houdini, and it's about as stale as last years Cheetos. Regardless, Sean let's them know the score and the women all start dolling up for their photo shoot and Sean's shirt vanishes. Condoleezza Rice pops up on screen and starts ripping into DramaLand for being such an irritant. Various shots of Tierra are inserted to show what a two-faced bitch she is. I certainly hope Sean is smarter than this, but after Ben's nosedive into Courtney I think the days of us immediately dismissing the season's biggest bitch are over. Anyway, some women dress like vampires, while some get the cowgirl look and a few get the high maintenance model look. No matter, just to make sure no feminists watch this show, all the women look like ho's, and they all take turns bumping uglies with Sean. Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain is positively over the moon about the photo shoot; considering she's a Ford Model and has been telling anyone who would listen that story, it's not surprising either. Kristy does her best to get in on the villain action, but this kid is outta' her league. Maybe they could dress her as Darth Maul or something; sorta like a second class villain maybe. Regardless, the photo shoot director says the 'winner' of the photo shoot gets to pose for a bunch of Harlequin book covers. Kristy squeals and jumps around in joy. Once they dress up, she practically gives Sean a standing handjob just to make sure she wins. And she does. The model won the modeling contest. Wow. In other shocking news, a professional baseball player won a baseball playing contest. So what. Anyway, Sean leads the women away from the shoot and out onto a freezing pool deck for an overcrowded pool party. Sean makes his rounds seeing the women; two stood out: first of all, Lesley the Political Operative gets a moment alone with him but freezes solid when a kiss seems imminent. Sensing her body language, which was screaming 'get away!', Sean pulls back. Later, fortified by a gallon of wine, she corners him and presses ahead like a bull in a china shop. Sean looks like he wants to flee, but leans in to give her an uncomfortable peck. Me thinks Seanie wants to be the aggressor in these matters. The other date that made waves was with Kacie B. It made waves on my geiger counter that measures friend vibes. Yikes. Sean gave her the rose but these two looked like guilty cousins who are being asked to play spin the bottle. Not feeling it. Anyway, some girl named Katie said she was out of her element and high tailed it outta there with her dignity intact, while some girl named Catherine got to utter the line of the night by telling Sean that despite the fact that she's a vegan, she wants a hot beef injection or something. Tierra Dramatica gets a few minutes and a few private interviews to act two-faced, bitchy, and possessive. Kristy, watch and learn. Date over.

The Player Ain't Punk'd!

This is the price we have to pay to see a date with a girl Sean seems genuinely interested in, I guess. Look, I'll keep this short: Sean and the Wingman try and play a prank on Desiree the Derrière involving an art gallery and a "priceless" piece of art. How did it go? You know that can of coke you opened and left on the counter overnight? Yeah, about that flat. This prank failed for many reasons: 1) Desiree's head is not made of cement. 2) The set up was terrible. 3) the "Priceless art" looked like the remains of a piñata swept up after a child's birthday party. Ok, I might as well recap; this will be quick: Sean takes Desiree and her lovely derrière to an "art studio" that looked about as real as a set from Saturday Night Live. Harrison and the producers filled the "studio" with a bunch of actors from the local dinner theater. Sean was called away in the middle of a one-on-one date for the first time in show history so he and the Wingman could watch Desiree sit in the empty studio when suddenly--Boom!-- the priceless art piece suddenly leapt off the plinth it was on and hit the floor--"splat!". Desiree smirked, blushed slightly, and immediately started looking around for the hidden cameras. A "photographer" and some stringy-haired "artist" come in and try and convince her that the cheesy-looking piece of crap will cost her a million and a half dollars. The only reason Dez didn't crack up in their faces is that she obviously feared they were insane and she KNEW she was on camera. Yeah, about that flat. Sean finally comes in and admits it was a prank. Since she was on camera, Dez didn't slap his face and storm out like she would have in normal life. Dumb stunt over, they limo up and head back to Sean's rented digs and slip into our first hot tub of the season. Dez and her wonderful derriere don a bikini and she and Sean stage a make out session that looked so different from the one he had with Sarah that even the blind could spot the difference. Desiree wraps her legs around Sean and shows him what temptation is supposed to feel like. Sean, good Christian that he is, was doubtlessly reciting psalms as she squeezed her legs around his waist and he got to experience a battle of wills with the Great White Boner of Death. Yes, I know; Sean is a fine Christian guy, but there is only one type of man who wouldn't have been fighting sexual temptation at the moment--a dead one. Rose? Sean pretty much told the camera that it was a mere formality. And it was. As Dez gripped him with her legs and sucked his face, I scribbled in my notes, "fantasy suite".  Sean, say your prayers. Date over.

Odd Party Time

What happened here? Not much. Some girl named Amanda, who we've scarcely seen, was edited to look like a mute, comatose bag lady with clown make-up lipstick and electro-shock hair. Ok, even without the edit she looked like a weirdo. Regardless, Catherine--a girl we've seen speaking with Sean a grand total of once, joined Lesley the Political Operative to opine that Amanda is a physicist's dream with all her dark energy. Huh? Nevermind. Condoleezza Rice corners Sean and asks him some direct questions about race. Good for her. Robin didn't hide from the tough questions, and Sean, to his credit, welcomed the query and knocked it out of the park. He has dated black girls and had nothing to hide. Robin nods and says "his answers are so perfect." They are, and he doesn't appear to be lying either. Amazing. Selma Vavoom decides to take a shot at the cultural diversity train and challenge Sean with some Arabic. He jokes he only speaks Farsi. Heh. She teaches him to to say, "I'm only here for the exposure" or something. Finally we get to see Lindsay the Drunk Bride, and this time she is both sober and dressed normally. Well, hello, Lindsay. You're nothing like that psycho drunk from last week who called herself Lindsay. Nice to meet ya'.
Unable to stand anymore excitement, Harrison enters with cheese knife and champagne glass tinging away.

Dump 'Em, St. Paul

The Wingman lines them up and pimps Sean's sincerity a little more, "I know no one here wants to go home tonight...except for two or three of you, but the bus tickets are waiting! Sean, may the Force be with you."


Safe already:  Cousin Kacie B., Desiree the Derrière, Circle Swimmer Sarah.

1) AshLee F.--no date this week, but she gets the first flower.

2) Lindsay the Bridal Drunk--no date this week either, but she must be on his radar.

3) Robin Condoleezza Rice--Direct questions get a red flower.

4) Jackie--very pretty but staying totally invisible.

5) Lesley the Political Operator--Somebody phone CNN; the audition is going well.

6) Selma Vavoom--exposure continues. Is there an Arabic word for "famewhore"?

7) Catherine the Vegan Beefeater--way back in the klieg lights. One more week of invisibility and she becomes Catherine Who?

8) Kristy the Wanna-Be Villain--Kid, you coulda' been a model, but with those 10 and 2 eyes, I don't know...

9) Leslie the Invisible Black Girl--ok.

10) Tierra Dramatica-- They should at least give the villain a black rose.

11) Taryn--Who?

12) Daniella--memorable only as the designated private interview lush.

Enter Yoda Wingman: "Ladies, Sean, only a single flower do I count. Do or do not; there is no try."

13) Amanda the Oddball--ok, whatever.

Dumped: Brooke the sultry black girl--departs with dignity intact; Diana the old hairdresser--departs for the old folks' home.

Ok, next week: Tierra Dramatica stumbles down the stairs and is fitted with a black robot suit and breathing helmet.
See ya then!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Sean Week 1--The Ghost of Arie Luyendyk

Greetings and welcome back, my friends. It's time for our annual cheesefest known as the Bachelor. This season, executive producer/ human ratbag, Mike Fleiss, has reached back into the heart of Texas (again) to produce his latest broken-hearted lothario--aryan genetic marvel, Sean Lowe--who could make Taylor Lautner blush with pectoral envy. Sean, who was unceremoniously dumped by Emily Maynard last season, is by most tales, a nice guy, but I see he has that odd Texas malady shared by both Brad Womack and Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka: he keeps losing his shirts. Are they all in the dryer with my missing socks? Do men from Texas wear shirts? I could swear I saw George W. Bush in one every now and then. No matter. After the unmitigated disaster that was Ben Flajnik, Fleiss has gone back to that cheese-filled well he must have bought in Texas, and yanked Sean out and means to keep him half-naked at every turn. When in doubt, go blonde and ripped. I like Sean, but he looks like Fleiss found him on Heinrich Himmler's Amazon Wish List. Well if ya got it, ya might as well flaunt it, I guess. Sean might turn out to be as dull as kindergarten scissors, but the Beefcake WILL be shown! Hey, when do I get to see a Bachelorette nude from the waste up? Listen to me whine. I'm sure my mostly female readership could care less about my definition of a double standard. After all, in a minute I'm going to get to see some drunk gal demand to get tied up with a necktie and spanked until she passes out. 50 Shades of Class. Let's recap.

One European Horndog, Comin' Up!

I settled into the Captain's Chair with some liquid refreshment expecting to hear (and see) Chris Wingman Harrison come out in front of the mansion and start screaming some scripted boilerplate at me about what a wonderful, sincere guy Sean is, when suddenly it's Sean doing his own intro. That was weird. The guy's doing his own spec sheet. It sounded like he was at a group meeting, "Hi, I'm Sean Lowe and I'm an alcoholic!" Where the hell is Harrison? Week 1 and he's already skivved off, eh? Turns out it's more than just Harrison's usual laziness at work though; once Sean is done showering, jogging, working out, cooking, mowing the grass, playing chess, and strumming a ukelele at an old folks home with his shirt off, we hear that an old "friend" is coming for a visit. That "friend" turns out to be none other than fellow Emily Maynard castoff, Racecar Arie Luyendyk. I watched last season and I never remember Sean and Arie standing within 20 feet of one another except at rose ceremonies. Now I'm supposed to believe that a down home Christian boy is best buds with some European skirt chaser who's nailing Ben Flajnik's ex-witch? Yeah, ok, I'll believe it. Anyway, Sean goes to answer the door at his rental digs and in stumbles Arie still wearing one of his Garanimals shirts from last season. Arie drags himself inside and proceeds to put on a horn dog clinic for the allegedly innocent Sean. Truthfully the whole thing was funny as hell. Both guys took this with the same seriousness as Arie does his relationship with Courtney Robertson. Arie mocked his own ballyhooed kissing skills by demonstrating how to properly mug a woman by using your hairy mitts on her face before you ram your tongue down her esophagus. The only bad news was a reminder to the audience about just how much charisma Arie has when compared to Sean. Arie's fans must have felt smug and self-righteous. But it just put a ghost in the back of my mind that followed me around the rest of the night: WWAD--What Would Arie Do? Every time some gal went nuts, Sean laid back and took it all with cool aplomb and I just couldn't help seeing the same event replayed with Arie at the wheel. WWAD? Uh-oh.

The Women

Once Sean dismissed Arie so he could head to the free clinic for his monthly chlamydia test, Harrison finally pops out in front of the mansion and opens fire on me with that hyperbole cannon of his. I squint my eyes and imagine he sounds like Charlie Brown's old teacher "Whannt whaant, whaant whaant whaant!" He made as much sense as usual that way. Since Arie has already done the opening for him, Harrison eschews the normal Bachelor interview and cues a promo of the women. Hmmm. Less nuts in a can of Planters than this group, but we'll get to it. Promos complete, a very long limo pulls up and out steps Sean looking like he drove himself there in the standard Night 1 Bachelor Limo Driver Uniform: Black suit, white Oxford, and black tie. Harrison takes only a second to cheese him up before the limos roll up.

Now, an important caveat: Sean started handed out roses so fast, the entire broadcast not only became a chase for  "who has the rose?", it actualy devolved into chaos. The girls weren't really showcased much--it was all about roses. It got so chaotic, I'm not even sure which women got dumped and who stayed. I'll do my best.

1) Ashlee F.--Personal Organizer. Some OCD chick who's is just dying to reorganize Sean's man cave. Nice looking girl here and a great dress. I think this one will be around a while.

2) Jackie--smacks him on the cheek with a blob of lipstick so the next one will have something to wipe off. Other than that? Well, she was beautiful anyway.

3) Selma--vavoom! Selma? I wonder if her last name is Hayek? Outrageous boobs! Yummy. Almost certain to get villain editing.

4) Leslie H. The first of several black gals Fleiss stuck into the cast. Not bad looking with a healthy helping of junk in her trunk. She looked fine until she smiled and then whoa! that was one wide mouth. Dubbed Sean Mr. McSteamy. So much for being original. Survived night 1. We'll see.

5) Daniella--hot blonde with a some dumb handshake bit. That was her intro? I was waiting for her to head butt him before she went inside.

6) Kelly--Cruise ship songstress who both looked and acted like it. Had different colored eyes and a bowling trophy spray tan so deep she looked like a pumpkin. Then she sang a dumb song. See ya!

7) Katie--yoga instructor. Shows him some yoga and then pretty much vanished like one of his shirts. Didn't bother to wear shoes either. Maybe she was from Arkansas.

8) Ashley P. Oh boy. Walking hotmess from the promos who grins before yanking a tie out from between her tits and dangling it in front of Sean's eyes and letting him know that she reads crappy books. Sean stares at the tie like it's a live cobra and finally seems to get the Fifty Shades reference and swallows uncomfortably.
(WWAD? Harrison leaps from behind the bushes and pounces on top of Arie like a ninja superhero and tries vainly to pull him off the girl. By the time Harrison arrives, Arie has her hogtied and naked from the waist up.)

9) Taryn--Uh, uncomfortable, insecure woman dumped.

10) Catherine--Va-VOOM! Wow! Beautiful gal who joined Katie and my missing sock in Sean's vanishing shirt cabinet. What? Oh, c'mon! We never saw this one the rest of the night. Shit.

11) Robyn--Hey, who invited Condoleezza Rice? The former secretary of state tried to show Sean how excited she was to meet him by nearly breaking her neck in the driveway. Smooth.

12) Lacey--gives him a lacy heart. He carried it around and then dumped it into the trash when he dumped her.

13) Paige--the only sane member of Bachelor Pad 3 came on this show to demonstrate that she is obviously losing her sanity. Dumped--no rose here either. You walked from Minnesota to California for this? Sell that desperation, girl. I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or laugh.

14) Tierra--oh my. This one got out of the limo, showed Sean a half-heart tattoo on her finger and giggled. He immediately wandered off to get Harrison's head out of the punch bowl and "broke some rules" by grabbing an instant rose. Heh. Yeah, he blindsided the producers, I'm sure. Anyway, I saw the season previews. This gal is going to be a nutcase-bitch. The name sounded familiar so I looked it up--Tierra means Land in Spanish. Well that's not going to work. Try dramatica. Yeah, that's more like it--Tierra Dramatica--DramaLand! That's your name woman.

15) Amanda--fit model who did an awkward moment thing? Huh? Lame. Good looking though.

16) Keriann--she drove 2,275 miles to get here? She could have at least picked poor Paige up on the way. Well, maybe she can give her a ride back to Minnesota anyway since they both got dumped.

17) Desiree (Dez) Yum, yum. Great entrance too. She joined Sean to toss coins into the mansion's Trevi Fountain and make a wish. Good intro plus pretty girl should equal a long stay. We'll see. I like this one. Works in a bridal salon or something.

18) Sarah--Good looking blonde with one arm. Later she speaks with Sean and pretty much hints life has been hell. I'm sure. Sean shrugs, he could care less about the missing wing. I wouldn't have either. He gave her a rose. I would have too, but since she wants to be treated like everyone else, I'm also going to make fun of her.The whole time she was sitting with Sean I just kept wondering how she avoids swimming only in circles, but whatever. She was pretty--seems nice--yeah, the rose was a no-brainer. Circle-swimmer Sarah.

19) Brooke--sultry black girl. Yummy, not bad. Since Fleiss is bowing to pressure and filling the cast with minorities and disabled folks, it's just as well they be pretty.

20) Diana--mom of two--I liked her but she's too damn old for Sean.

21) Lesley M. Saw in the promos she was a political consultant from D.C. Considering she made a point about her environmental activism, I'm guessing she's a Democrat, and I'm guessing Sean is…not. She brought a football and conned Sean into bending over so she could check out his ass.
(WWAD? Easy; when she kept barking signals without calling for the ball, he would have urged her closer and then fired a retro blast at her to show her what a card he is too. BRAAAAP!)

22) Kristy--model who made a point in the promo to tell us that the other girls would all be jealous of her. Blech.

23) Ashley H.--Best intro line of the night. Walked up and told Sean, "Hi Ken, I'm Barbie." That should have earned her a rose.

24) Lauren--Italian girl who goes all Sopranos on Seanie and assures him that if he hurts her, her dad will break his legs. I'm amazed this didn't win him over. Sean played it safe and dumped her. Whoops!

25) Lindsay--wedding dress? Jesus. Then lip mugs him before she even tells him her name. Cuckoo. Then to charm him, she got shit-faced. She got a rose? Really?

26) ???? Holy crap, it's Kacie B. At first I thought this was weird, then I realized that since a nice Christian boy is stroke' the pony with a lowlife like Fleiss, nothing can be considered weird this season anyway. Why not? C'mon Kacie. Got a rose too. Cool.

Ok, what happened next? Sean handed out roses right and left and I lost track of what was going on. Other than girls talking about what was going on with the roses, virtually nothing happened. Over half the girls who got early roses, well, we didn't even see it happen. A couple got drunk and the 50 Shades of Grey ho got smashed and acted so skanky her grandchildren will never live it down.


How the hell would I know? Some got them, others got dumped. (Shrug). Maybe we can tell them apart next week.

I'll see ya then.