Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Emily Week 3: Alessandro Lincoln: Vampire Hunter!

Well, that was pretty good, wasn't it? Thrilling? No. But pretty good. I'm impressed with Emily. She tossed two dudes out who clearly had had enough of this show, but came across as sincere, picky, and tough. Nothing wrong with that. Is she going to meet her husband here? Uh, no. Emily has been single since…well, her entire life. At 26 she is living in a $450,000 plus house, driving a $50,000 SUV and doing it all with no visible means of income. Yeah, I'm sure she struggles to get dates. My well-deserved cynicism aside, she has represented well and is showing a lot more common sense than most Bachelorettes. Well done, Emily. But before I break my arm patting her on the back, I'd better recap.

We get the requsiste opening shot of Emily being served breakfast in bed by her doting momma and daughter Ricki hating all over the cameras like a real little girl. Good job, Ricki; tell all those creepy weirdos to get out of your free house. The poor kid.
After seeing momma doting on her little princess, we switch to Harrison greeting the boys outside of Bachelor Pad Dixie dressed in his casual gear and needlessly recounting all the ways you can get booted off the show. He also fills us in on the date lineup--2, one-on-one dates and 1 Group Date--before he drops the date card and races away to test out Charlotte's best golf courses, his work week already half way over. Charlie Knieval bestirs himself and reads off the name of Bobble-Head Chris: "Love is a steady climb." Fear of heights, anyone? Turns out Fleiss read the wrong psychological profile this time. Chris isn't afraid of heights; Emily is. But lacking terror at slowly step-climbing up a building doesn't phase Chris--he's on the Jake Pavelka Cheese Machine Training Course of ridiculously golly-gee overstatement. "Whatever it is, I'm really looking forward to it and honored to be given the opportunity." In a private interview, he purses his little chick mouth and relates breathlessly, "It's my time to shine!If I don't get that rose, I'll be devastated. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world!" Calm down before you injure yourself, Chris.

Before he hyperventilates, they quick-cut to him walking in the dark with Emily. She gushes about his cuteness and then walks him over to a building for a climbing adventure. They stand at the base of the building and dangle some ropes over the edge so Chris can hammer us with some scripted metaphors from Fleiss's well-thumbed filing cabinet: "Climbing a building is like love. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up, and we're going to end up at the top." And I bitched about the Muppets. Anyway, they use some reverse rappelling equipment I've never seen before, but I think it's equipment specially designed for 80 year-olds. Emily, who appears about as athletic as Courtney Love, manages to slow walk up to the top without even heavy breathing. Couldn't have been too hard. Bobble Head might be a ham with the hyperbole, but he looked damn near bored. So much for quaking with fear; wrong psychological profile, Fleiss. Ha. To stir some drama, Fleiss orders the Special Effects Department to find some lightning flashing about a hundred miles away as they emerge on the buildings roof.

Once on the roof, the thunderstorm Fleiss hires blows Emily's hair around and she flirts shamelessly with the bobbling headed one…or at least she does until she finds out how old he is. "You're twenty-five?" Gulp. Emily expected him to much older for some reason. This gives her a chance to announce his age to be a "red flag" cause she is a package deal, in case he's been living under a rock by the pool these last few weeks and hasn't heard or wasn't paying attention when she hauled her daughter up onstage to frolic with the Muppets. Actually it's just a chance to segue to the ginned up drama of the evening. We cut to a cell phone call between Fugly Tony and his son. Boo hoo. Very moving. Anyway, back at the rooftop, Chris turns on the charm without his bobble head falling off his shoulders, and Emily gives him the rose. She then leads him to a cordoned off street where some country music dude named,er…I don't remember. But I give the guy credit, he wasn't lip synching, no matter who he was. The twosome dances around and finally Chris earns his cheeseball wings when he kisses her and assures us that kissing her was the "greatest thing in my life!" Son of Pavelka. If he tells us nice guys finish last or that he was known as Mr. Dateless, we may have our new Bachelor. But Emily's future husband? Eh, doubtful. Date over.

Emily's Horny Friends

With the Bobble Head safely back at Bachelor Pad Dixie gushing out lines of script to the cameras, Emily heads to a park in Charlotte with her group date gang so they can play with some tykes (to show off their awesome fatherhood skills, don't ya know) and to let her horny, middle-aged girlfriends poke, prod, and grill her beefcakes. Two sensible looking (and acting) brunettes handle the fatherhood questions, while a frumpy Pakistani and a horny, washed-out looking barfly-blond, stick to the sex questions. The blond actually asks the Ostrich Egg dude if he fertilized the egg himself. How come I never get asked questions like that? Anyway, a handful of dudes get asked questions but the 1st Wives Club mostly forces the men to do pushups, dance, and look for other certain clues as to their wonderfulness as husbands and fathers. That is, they did..until Bodybuilder Sean arrives. He walks up and I thought the blond was going to try and rape him. Sean turns as red as a beat as they make him strip down shirtless and act like their personal slaveboy. Blond Wendy gushes that he is a "genetic gift to the world", and then sits on his back while he does shirtless push ups. Why do I get the feeling she wished Sean were facing the other direction? Anyway, her horny friends finished, Emily tosses some cold water on the boys by siccing some tykes on them. They all frolic in the park, but Arena League Ryan decides to break ranks and introduce Emily and her friends to a dose of his undeserved arrogance. He breaks in on their hen talk and lets Emily know that if she ever gets fat, he's gonna' trade her in on a 20 year-old hardbody. Emily doesn't care much for that, and who could blame her. The guy's a personal trainer who used to play Arena League and has a douchy bedhead. Where did the high opinion of himself come from? Confidence is one thing; arrogance quite another. From now on his name is Overrated. You just know this guy was in a college frat that specialized in getting 18 year-old freshman too drunk to resist. What a Tool.

Fugly Tony Dumps Himself

As darkness falls, Emily takes the gang to swank place called Butter, and it's here that she fawns on Sean, and where Fugly Tony decides he has no chance with Emily and uses his son as an escape hatch. Sean, who looked like solid gold during the group date, continues to get a shining edit. The guy comes across as earnest, honest, interested in faith, and from a strong family. And he's shredded. Just ask horny Wendy. Next up is Dug!, and his beady eyes, who tells a tale of woe of being abandoned and then spending time in foster homes. It was pretty tough. Emily started crying. He's looking good for the moment. But after the touching stuff, it's time to bore us. Overrated Ryan digs into Fugly Tony and tries to get him all worked up about his kid so he can exit. The next one-on-one card arrives while Tony gets wound up to walk out, and no surprise, the date goes to Racecar Arie. He can hardly wait to jump in front of a camera and launch into some cheesy racing metaphors. "I'm used to things moving fast, but it's been slow so far with Emily. I'm hoping this date really revs things up." Is Arie a Formula One driver? His sponsor must be Velveeta. Maybe they call his car the McClaren Cheesebag? Anyway, Kay-Lynn tosses a lame put down at him, "Can you drive a stickshift?" Arie assures him he can, and we all know that Kay-Lynn can drive any stickshift he comes across, even if it's attached to a guy named Bob. Regardless, it's time for Fugly Tony to work himself up into a lather and set the groundwork for his escape. He sits with Emily and whines…and whines…and whines. Look, I could give a shit if this guy misses his kid. Go home! Fine by me. But if it's genuinely bothering you, why did you agree to be separated from him for weeks? Emily was gone for a 7 week shoot on Brad's show and she didn't whine herself off the set. Shockingly, little Ricki survived. Anyway, Dug!, who apparently doesn't miss his kid much, hauls Tony into a dingy alley and tells him his kid won't even remember him being gone, so don't sweat it. Dug's right. But saying it that way makes it sound like you don't care about your tyke for shit, Dug. I don't mind Fleiss putting single parents on this show in the least, but I don't want to hear them spend half an episode whining about their kids either. But noooooooooooooo. One of Fleiss' minions hands him a cell phone so he can call the disinterested kid and he can work himself up into a full lather. Was this real? Was Tony's only reason for leaving the pain of separation? Maybe. But it's also possible with this show that Harrison had the guy in the alley kneeing him in the crotch so his eyes would water. Then they wasted a ton of my time showing the guy whine. Suffice it to say, Emily basically told him to go home to his kid and Tony took off like a shot. One down, two to go.

Dolly Parton was at Dollywood? Shocking!

It's time for erudite, European-born racecar driver Arie to experience some culture shock. The producers decide it was a wise move to have Emily take the only European in the cast to the Dollywood Theme Park, which I believe is located in Peckerwood, Tennessee. Such fun. Look, these Europeans practically vomit at the thought of Disney and hell that place has mimes. So just to rub the stake in the eye, they send Arie to the redneck equivalent:Dollywood.They should have made Arie wear a beret and recite electric poetry while Emily led him around the park trying to get him to try the moonshine. Arie looked as thrilled as you might expect. Once inside the park, Emily and Arie wander around and the producers contract-extort Emily onto a roller coaster so Arie can act all manly and protective. Emily looks ready to poop her drawers as the "Wild Eagle" mounts the hills and plunges around. I wonder if Arie was a true gentleman and held her hair back while she puked? Arie flounders around like a fish out of water, but plays the good sport. Emily looked approving. "I think Arie may have a little country in him." Yeah, and by "country", I think she means Holland, but nevermind. It's time to move on to the point of the visit: its time for the twosome to wander into the musical theater and for Dolly Parton to come out and "surprise" Emily. To her credit, Emily does indeed look blown away at the surprise--which proves she's a decent actress or as dense as titanium. You're in freaking Dollywood, Emily Maynard; home of your music idol, Dolly Parton! You remember Dolly, don't you, Emily? Dolly's the woman who used to famous for having HUGE boobs; now she's famous for looking like a wax dummy of herself. Jeez, Dolly, wrinkles aren't really that scary. Regardless, Dolly "surprises" them and even she thinks Emily is a little dense about the ambush. "Yes, quite a surprise that Dolly Parton is here at Dollywood, eh?" Lol. Dolly might looked like an embalmed hooker, but that was pretty sly. Anyway, Dolly sings for them, acts like she knows something about Emily and then kicks them out of her crypt. Arie takes Emily over to a merry-go-round and sucks her face off. Wow! Man those Europeans are a horny as Emily's friends. Good Job, Arie. The rose is a cert. Date over.

Alley-Cat-Ssandro has Had Enough Too.

At the cocktail party, another suitor decides he's had enough of this show and basically shows himself to the exits. Allessandro, who used to be half of one full Hispanic guy with his partner, Alejandro, gets Emily alone and basically tells her that her daughter is a big "compromise" he would have to make. Since the dude is Portuguese, I was sure there was a translation issue here, and maybe there was. But he assured her it wasn't the case and he knew what he meant. Emily practically removed her high heels and hit him in the center of the forehead with her spiked heel. She rushes him to the exit and throws him out. In the car the guy looked stunned. Still unsure if there was a translation issue, I took a quick peek at Emily's blog and she said Alessandro took her out into the woods to show her all the crosses he'd hung from the trees to ward off vampire. "He thought he was a vampire hunter!" What? The guy thought he was Abraham Lincoln? Wow, what a nut. Then they show us edited footage from the park meeting and we see Alessandro telling Emily's buds that he dated his cousin, enjoys one night stands, and pretty much frequents whore houses. Once Emily throws him out, she has a sit down with Kay-Lynn, so he can show her what a spoiled, egotistical, and condescending bottle of Summer's Eve he is. While whining about having to share, Emily tries to commiserate with his feelings and he tells her, "I love to hear you talk, but please don't interrupt me." BUZZ! Ok, there's all the proof you need that this guys continued existence on your TV screen is a producer stunt. Emily would be better off with Allessandro, the Whore-Mongering Vampire Hunter. Fleiss laughs fiendishly: he's had his whiner, his psycho, and his douche. Good enough. He sends in the Wingman wielding his signature cheese knife and champagne glass and calls the evening to a halt.


Already Safe:
Bobble Head Chris, Sean the Genetic Marvel, Arie the Racer
1) One-F-Jef--quiet week.
2) Charlie Knieval--Might be about time to crashland into Dumpsville.
3) Dug! The Absent Father-- Your kid will forgive you…or write a book about how much you suck for going on reality shows and ignoring him.
4) Michael and his Greasy Hair--considering the only words I've heard him say are "Yes.", I'm pretty sure we can forget about him.
5) Ostrich Egg Travis--Emily was as sick of his ostrich egg stunt as I was and broke it in the driveway. She should have busted it over his frohawk.
6) Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer--He said five words this week. Might make top 10.
7) Overrated Ryan--Proof that this show is based almost solely on looks for the first month. Tool.
8) John Wolf, and his rapidly receding hairline.
9) Kay-Lynn--Go kiss Fleiss for that rose, loser.
Harrison wanders in and does what little he does for a paycheck bigger than Dolly Parton's plastic surgery bills.
10) Pretty Boy Nate--said three words in three weeks. Fill that suit, son!


Stevie, the squinty-eyed, street performer. Man, how did she let a catch like this guy go? Amazing.

Overrated Ryan now takes a few moments to predict a feud with Arie. ZZZZZZ.
Next week: Bermuda where Bobble Head Chris wants to know why Dug the Absent Father wants to cost him a rose with Emily.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Emily--Week 2: Muppet Torture

Harrison and the only funny Muppet, Statler. Who rules!

Muppet Torture

This is what I get for ignoring the message boards and Twitter the last few months. With Emily's "image" as an angelic single mom, I wasn't expecting drunken blow outs and wild hot tub scenes, but the Muppets? I must be the only person on the face of the Earth that thinks the Muppets are irritating as hell. And before you just dismiss me as a nasty old curmudgeon, keep in mind that this pirate was forced to endure endless episodes of Barney the Dinosaur and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a young father. But the Muppets? They suck. Well most of them anyway. I guess it comes as no surprise that I like the two grouchy old men, is it? Nevermind. Until Emily gets to establish her credentials as Snow White the Single Mom and then heads off to Europe to make out with a bunch of dudes, I'll just have to endure.

Harrison looks ready to endure anyway. Taking a few minutes away from hitting on women on his Facebook, the newly-single Wingman comes out onto the pool deck of Bachelor Pad Dixie and rounds the boys up. With his dark Jedi mind control, Harrison starts off by stating as fact that all the well-sculpted meatheads are already in love with Emily after the Meet and Greet. The boys all smirk, nod and answer "These aren't the droids we're looking for." Harrison grins knowingly and then whips out his favorite threat, "Not all of you will be going on dates this week, so when you get time alone with Emily and the Muppets, you'd better act like you think they're cute or you're outta here!" The men nod in submission and Harrison drops the date card before heading out to meet some young, single "fans."

Arena League Ryan Gets Domestic

Single father Dug reads off the name of former "professional football player" (cough! Arena League) Rhino Ryan and his bedhead. Ryan smirks, refers to his pastor, and then heads inside to muss his hair, scuff his shoes, and un-shave his square chin for his date. This gives sexually challenged Texan, Kay-Lynn a moment or two to read some script to the camera about how badly he wants to pillage Ry--er, I mean Emily. As Ryan emerges in a linen t-shirt, Emily comes tootling up to the mansion in her soccer-mom mobile. A Tahoe? How many kids do you have Emily? Nevermind. They head out to pollute the ozone in her oversized gas guzzler but instead of bungee jumping over a bridge, she hauls Rhino back to her place to mow her grass, steam clean her carpets, fetch her groceries…ok, I'm lying, but not by much. Instead of some high-octane, freaky fake Bachelorette date, Emily takes him inside for an low-octane freaky fake date instead. Emily tells le Beefcake that since she's supposed to provide snacks for Ricki's soccer team, they are going to bake cookies like she always does (rolls eyes). What a shame they stopped selling cookies at the store. Anyway, she dresses him in an apron and they bake some cookies while his penis shrinks to the size of a gnat. Emily is impressed he passed the cookie test. Amen.

She then drives them over to the soccer field but leaves him in the car so Ryan won't hear the other moms screaming at her for bringing cookies to a soccer practice instead of something healthy. The required single mom duties complete, the two are now allowed to act like adults. Emily ditches the Tahoe for an Aston Martin and comes over to pick Ryan up. She tosses him the keys and he drives them over to a ritzy restaurant where four hundred people Fleiss recruited stand outside and post pics to their Twitters as the couple goes inside. They sit down to dinner and she asks some tough questions and he smarms her pretty good. They actually have a deep conversation for the first date, and the chemistry looks pretty good.

Back at the Mansion, the date card arrives and just about every single guy I've pegged as a suit filler gets called out for a something to do with a theater. Kay-Lynn's smarmy noggin pops up on my screen to assure us he "embraces the stage" like the true Barbara Streisand fan that he is. I'm a believer.

Ryan keeps up the charm offensive and scores points with Emily. She lets us know in a private interview that Ryan is too much like Brad, "He's too perfect." Like Brad? Don't you mean like Jake Pavelka? Brad was a commitment phobe; Jake was too perfect. Nevermind. Despite the mixed characters, Ryan seems to have done well and he easily gets the rose. They go and dance while some country group named Gloriana lip syncs and a crowd films Ryan and Emily and put it up on YouTube. Date over.

Ugh! Muppet Time

Emily hauls the 90% suit fillers to see the Muppets. She is joined the by two South Americans who are actually one guy--Allesandro/jandro, as well as Kay-Lynn, John Wolf, Pretty boy Nate, Aaron the Biology Teacher, Fugly Tony, and several others not worth mentioning. They are joined by a couple of players, Bobble Head Chris, One-F-Jef, and the focus of the performance, Charlie Knievel--the collapsing deck daredevil. Now amidst the lameness the Muppets are going to pass around, Charlie becomes the focus of the drama since he's still recovering from the head injury he suffered and has trouble talking…I think. Maybe it's only in public? He was never clear about that. The rest of the time he sounded fine, but what do I know? Regardless, quick as a flash here comes Kermit and Ms. Piggy to irritate the hell out of me. Kermit mushmouthes, sings lame songs, tells lame jokes, and Piggy runs around screeching and karate chopping people for no good reason, like usual. Fozzie Bear comes out to teach a few of the stiffs how to do bad stand up comedy and succeeds beyond his wildest dreams. They perform a dance number where Emily shows she's no Ashley Hebert. Amidst the nonsense, Charlie freaks out and goes to see Emily about his speech problem. She lets him out of singing and instead he gets a soft spot being interrogated by Ms. Piggy. If he could survive that, he's fine. Anyway, the show ends with Emily onstage dragging like Ricki up there to refuse to sing with Kermit. Well at least the kids got taste. Harrison joins Statler, the only funny Muppet, and these two provide the only chuckles of the evening by tearing the show to pieces. No wonder Trojan is going sponsor his next show: ageless good looks, tons of money, and comic timing to boot. Some guys have it all. The guy's a chick magnet. Harrison will do ok too.

The after party ensues and Bobble Head Chris is up first to tell us how he needs the rose worse than air or something. Emily tells him how good-looking he is. This sets him up to pout when she gives the rose to chronic hipster, One-F-Jef. Emily gets him alone and grills him because he isn't slobbering all over her. Jef is a guy I can't get a read on. With his stupid single-F name he's adopted, his skinny jeans, skateboard, and Frankie Avalon hairdo, the guy strikes me as Mr. Pretentious. Other times he seems pretty cool. Truth is, Emily seems smitten with guy regardless of how I read him. Anyway, the evening drags on and various guys get to make their pitches. Emily finally sits them down and gives Mr. Pretentious the rose.

Time for Some Cannon Fodder

While Emily was chasing the indifferent Jef, the date card arrives back at homebase and much to my surprise, Dweeby Joe gets called out. I laugh at once. Joe was a guy I was shocked to see survive night one. Now he gets called out for a one-on-one in week 2? Ha ha. I can already hear the gulliotine blade sliding down the chute. Joe's sole reason for existence is to go and stand in front of a firing squad. Emily tries to cloud the issue by saying Joe looks like "Matthew McConaughey" and predicts a fun, over the top date. To set the trap, Emily takes Joe for a Learjet ride before she yanks the rug out from under him. They fly to West Virginia, take a ride in an ancient Rolls Royce, but Emily is already hinting at the friend card. They go to Greenbriar mansion, a place for southern aristocracy, proving Emily didn't grow up poor. As night falls, Emily emerges down a staircase like Scarlet O'Hara, takes Joe to dinner and dumps his rump. Completely blindsided, Joe heads out on his own as Harrison lays off camera and hits Emily with a cattle prod to work up a few tears. As Joe gets the ride of shame, they let off fireworks anyway so Emily can stand on the balcony and look forlorn about what might have been.

Cocktail Party

As the party opens, the rest of the players who got left behind get a few minutes to raise Emily's blood pressure. Arie the race car driver gets to describe life in his hometown, and shortly Emily is giggling like a teen. Fugly Tony shows his insecurities about being fugly but before he can make his pitch, Ryan, who already has a rose, steals her and she sits and reads a letter longer than War and Peace from the meathead. Fugly Tony sits there listening while Emily reads the letter from Mr. Arena League, and fugly or not, Tony refuses to back out and shows some stones. This makes Ryan looks like a douche. Tony finally gets his shot and tells her he has a five hear-old son. He may be fugly, but he does well. Kay-Lynn is up next to whine about how Dug took his backhanded insults the right way and now everyone hates him. He gets a few seconds of Emily's time to whine about how tough he's got it, and surprise! the producers send Dug in for the steal. Harrison comes in tinging his glass with his signature cheese knife and here we go.


Harrison lines em up and Emily comes in and stumble mumbles through a preamble.
Safe--Arena League Ryan and One-F-Jef

1) Kay-Lynn--Producers drama pick goes first.
2) Arie the Racer--easy peasy. There may be no stopping this guy.
3) Michael and his Greasy Hair--suit filler.
4) Pretty Boy Nate--as mute as 'ol greasy hair, but no worries.
5) Sean--Left behind this week but can coast to Top 5 at least.
6) Bobble Head Chris--Has a mouth like a chick, but she likey.
7) Dug--got pissed at Kay-Lynn--not sure I like him anyway.
8) Ostrich Egg Travis--both mute and invisible this week.
9) Fugly Tony--a tweener.
10) John Wolf--eh, not sure about him yet.
11) and 13) Allesandro/Jandro
12) Charlie Knievel--Crash lands into a flower

Enter Harrison:
Emily, gentlemen, it's the last rose of the evening. Did you see me with Statler? How much does he rock? When you're ready.

14) Stevie the Loser: Ugh!

Dumped: Kyle, the finance dork, and Aaron the teacher; two guys who must feel like major dorks after being whipped by Stevie the ugly street performer.

Next week: uh, I really need to read some spoiler I guess. Looks like Arie gets to style it, and Sean steps forward while it looks like Fugly Tony steps out.

See ya then.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Emily Week 1: Southern Fried Cheese

Welcome back, my friends. After a very short off-season where I barely managed to recover from the disaster that was Ben Flajnik, I'm back to pester Southern Belle, Emily Maynard. After months of gleefully ignoring Emily (cause she told me to), Em went and reversed course and decided to turn herself into a public dartboard of criticism by accepting the lead role as the Bachelorette. Damn, all those months I could have been writing about her and her former fiance, Brad Womack, as they had knock down drag out fights and Brad drunk-dialed her all hours of the day and night to tell her A) what a bitch she is or B) how sorry he was for calling her a bitch, but I respected her wishes and ignored her. Now, she wrong foots me. Don't worry, payback is a bigger bitch than a drunk-dialing former boyfriend, Emily.

As the show opens, we are treated to the requisite montage of Emily and her daughter Ricki kibutzing around the mansion that the Hendricks family bought her and her daughter, and doing all the cute things a single mom and young daughter do, without those annoying two jobs most single mom's have: they make chocolate pancakes, swing down at the local park, and we see Emily tuck Ricki in at 7:30 and go and sit miserable and alone on the couch furrowing her brow at the certain fate of approaching spinsterhood. Naturally the spectre of Brad Womack shows up to remind the viewers what a hairy-faced, lying, committment-phobe he is. We see Brad tell her she is his "forever", which must be Texas-speak for "three months." Emily lays Brad the Cad on us and reminds us once again that her former-fiance had the good graces to knock her up before passing away. Miserable and alone, Emily steals a few producer-children and carpools them around Charlotte with Ricki before moping back to her mansion to be all alone. Fortunately for her, Chris Harrison is still around.

The Wingman pops out the front of the mans-- whoa! I better get on and read some message boards. Harrison has abandoned his assigned post at the Bachelor Mansion and tells us that he's in Charlotte, North Carolina. I peer past him at the poorly-lit digs and sure enough, it looks like Producer/sleazebucket Fleiss has rented a house from Gomez Addams. I finally look back at Harrison to see him dressed in his Meet and Greet uniform blathering on about Emily's broken heart and how all her relationships end in plane crashes and 3 AM drunken phone calls. Before I can call the wench queen for a refill, Harrison cues up a preview of the men. The first douche hops out of a helicopter and brags "I'm a young, fun, good looking guy with a few dollars in my pocket…I can wine, I can dine; I'm the modern southern gentleman." Really? Modern Southern Gentleman is now defined as a self-centered, effeminate fuckwit? How come I never get these memos? Several more flash before my eyes, but I'll skewer them later. Besides, it's time for Emily to tell us just how nervous she is.

Harrison greets her outside the Addams mansion and leads her inside. Emily gushes about nerves for filling the role she swore she didn't want. The wingman tries to shoehorn in some sob story about her former fiance but thankfully, she shuts him down. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." Thank you. Shame the producers don't feel the same way. Harrison shifts gears and tells some lies about how they changed the venue to Charlotte instead of L.A. so Ricki wouldn't be put out. Really? According to what I just read on a board, you were in Charlotte for 3 episodes, then it's off to see the world with Ricki in tow apparently. Why not just move the girl to L.A. with her mom and skip the lowlight palace? Nevermind. Why do I even bother to ask. Emily insists she wants a hoard of kids and off we go.

After a commercial, Harrison walks Emily out front and presto! she has a magically altered, and much better hairdo. (Lovely editing, Fleiss.) And here they come:

1) Sean: 28 year-old insurance agent that simply introduced himself. The wench assures me he's cute. Good start.

2) David: Dorky musician with a fruity 5 o'clock shadow. He was seen in the previews assaulting a piano and screeching out Emily's name. Not feeling this guy, despite the excellent hair.

3) Doug--Dug! Whips out his 11 year-old son instantly and overplays his hand to death. Later, he pulls out a letter he strong armed his kid into writing to Emily. The kid wins the First Impression Rose. Dug? Not sure.

4) Jackson--hip name, pink shirt and cheeseball supreme. Drops to a knee and yammers something about having his breath taken away. Supposedly a "Fitness model". Looked like a Romulan to me. Waited until after he got dumped to strip down and show off his torso. Looked like a Stretch Armstrong doll. Don't worry, he was soon free to go home and continue the love affair with himself.

5) Joe, a Field Energy Supervisor who led with a preamble of "Emilyyyyy! Whatscha say?!" and acted like he skipped the booze and hammered the Moutain Dew instead. Danced around like a hyperactive toddler and practically defined the term "Nerd."

6) Arie: This one caused a spike in the wench's blood pressure and Emily's too, from what I saw. Tall, blue-eyed race car driver from the Netherlands. I googled around and saw he was the son of Arie Luyendyk--a guy I saw win the Indy 500. Might be a player.

7) Kyle: Finance dork shopping about a mile out of his league.

8) Chris--Bobble-Head Chris: Odd-looking dude who pulled out bobble head dolls of himself and Emily and hammed it up. She appeared to like him though. We'll see.

9) Aaron: High school biology teacher who's "here to strike out with you", or something like that.

10) Alessandro: A "grain merchant." What, is he a bread salesman? Turns out he's from Brazil. Funny though, I though he looked more like an Alabama redneck. Not feeling it.

11) Jef--One-F-Jef: Nice hair, dude. Weirdest doo of the night. Some kind of Buster Poindexter bouffant and comes in riding a skateboard. I was feeling Jesse "The Stoned Snowboarder" vibes from this guy until I re-watched the previews. Turns out he is CEO of a bottled water company who provides water around the world to those who can't get clean h2o. Seriously, if this guy is legit, he's addressing one of the most important issues in the developing world. Many folks don't know this but the leading cause of the death in the developing world--especially for children--isn't some weird Ebola strain, it's a lack of potable drinking water. That simple. This guy might be a fraud or a douche, but that's a valuable service. I'm still not gonna' give him a break on that hair though. Or the stupid name. Emily seemed intrigued by him though. Might be a sleeper.

12) Lerone--Holy crap! It's a black dude! Boy 'ol Fleiss really knows how to give the middle finger to the PC crowd, doesn't he? He skips having a black guy for the San Francisco career girl and the Maine dentist, and then sics one on the Confederate Princess? Shame too. Good looking, normal-acting, real estate dude. I'm sure Emily is catching hell over dumping him, but I'll cut her some slack. Although interracial relationships are as common as rain in Seattle these days, some people are just not attracted to folks outside their own race. We like what we like. Still a shame though. Compared to a few of the turds she kept, this guy wasn't black, he was solid gold. But I knew when I first saw him that I'd be able to time this guy's tenure on this show with an egg timer.

13) Stevie: Ugh! Arrives with a boom box and dances around like a Tool. Wears a horrible green shirt with his suit and tells Emily he's "an dancer, an MC, an entertainer." Sounds like a guy who cages quarters in the subway to me. Kinda ugly too.

14) Charlie: stout, muscle-bound dude who was highlighted in the previews for preferring falling off collapsing decks to having plane crashes. Bragged he had a traumatic brain injury, which explains why he's on this show.

15) Tony: Lumber trader. How's that job sound? "I'll trade ya 3 2x4's for 6 2x6's." Leads with a plastic slipper on a pillow. Hey Emily, did you know Prince Charming was so fugly? Got a rose anyway. Hey Lerone, what do you think about that?

16) Randy--Jonathan Winters. Just to make sure I'd have nightmares, he shows up dressed like Maude Frickert too. Emily looked like she wanted to slam her plastic slipper into his fanny.

17) Nate: Pretty boy Nate. Uh, Emily thinks he smells good. Time for some rogaine, pretty boy.

18) Brent: Well hello Grandpa! 41? Seriously? This guy is only a few years younger than your old captain, and I'll tell you that I would win a Who's Younger contest with this guy. Later he tells her that he has 6 kids. Yeah, and how many grandkids? Randy looked younger in his Maude Frickert outfit. Weirdest casting ever.

19) John: "Wolf" Uhhhh, no. I hear his last name is Wolfson or whatever, but don't lead with that, stupid. He's a "Data Destruction Specialist". Big deal. So's my wife. I have to buy her a new computer every six months. They pay you for that? I'll have her give "Wolf" a call.

20) Travis. Arrives with an ostrich egg. Yeah, I just write 'em, I don't make 'em up. She made him wait for the rose until last.

21) Michael: Curtains of long, greasy hair. Wasn't shown saying a word. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Suit Filler. Go stand in the corner with grandpa and the black dude.

22) Jean-Paul: Qui Qui! Marine biologist who told Emily he didn't know anything about her. Whoosh! Out the door he goes.

23) Alejando--Mushroom Farmer. No shit; I kid you not. Colombian farmer who snazzy dresses and has diamond earrings. You sure you're farming mushrooms?

24) Ryan: Bed-headed Ken doll who declares he was a "professional football player." Really, what team? Oh, Arena League. I googled it. Let's not oversell there pal. Professional Football players make more money than New York garbage men. Emily seemed to like him though. Had a good intro where he reads a note that charms her. But it always amazes me that men spend 45 minutes on their hair to make it look like they've never touched it a minute in their lives. Weird.

25) Kalon: How I hoped this guys name rhymed with Talon. I was going to call him Kalgon, as in Kalgon, take yourself anyway! No such luck. It's the douche from the intro and he pronounces it Kay-Lynn. He comes in on his homocopter and is listed as a  "Luxury Brand Consultant." I think that translates into "asshole." The best the other goofs can do is call him, "helicopter guy." Work on it, boys. Looks like you'll get your chance too; the producers won't let this guy go easy.

Once the party starts, not much happens as they race thru the evening. Very little of the usual drama; Stevie the loser takes a dislike to Kay-Lynn the Asshole but that's about it. Harrison finally remerges and brings the First Impression Rose in. Emily takes her time and drifts around before awarding it to Dug's son. Fast as a cat, Harrison drops the bottle of Cuervo and rounds them up for roses.

First Impression Rose: Dug's son.
1) Bobble Head Chris
2) Ryan-Rhino, Arena League Hero.
3) Kay-Lynn-Boo!
4) Arie--Uh, yeah.
5) Charlie
6) One-F-Jef
7) Pretty Boy Nate
8) Sean-Yep
9) Joe-Score one for hyperactive dweebs
10) Kyle--Fill that suit!
11) Aaron
12) Alejandro--farmer of (ahem) something in Colombia
13) John Wolf--Expect my call
14) Alessandro--"Will you accept this rose?" "Yee haw! I mean, si!"
15) Michael
16) Stevie--ha ha! Take that Lerone.
17) Tony-no seriously, Lerone, take that!
Enter wingman
"Emily, gentlemen, its the final rose tonight. Since I'm single now, I'll be over here with my Android sexting with some hot chicks. When you're ready."
18) Ostich egg Travis.

Jonathan Winters. Grandpa. Jackson the male bimbo. Lerone the token. Jean Paul the Marine Biologist.