I used to think Scrubs was funny, and I've always been partial to Rules of Engagement, even though I despise David Spade, but I just got a lesson in first rate Hollywood comedy last night. Yes, the writers of the Bachelorette really outdid themselves this episode. Between the Producer's slice and dice audio editing of Greaseball Wes, their hilarious manipulation of compliant actor wanna-be, Jake, the cheesemachine, and their staged return of Drop Dead Ed, they fired every barrel in every gun they had. It was like watching the Three Stooges go through every one of their best routines in rapid-fire succession for two hours. Somebody has got to win an Emmy for this one. Romance however? Hahah, what's that? Man, I've seen more romantic trainwrecks. But as far as silly-assed shit to blog about, well, Mike Fleiss, I owe you one.
Hometown Dates ala Speedy Gonzales
Joe Friday must have been the director of the first half of this episode because Just the Facts, was definitely the theme here. I actually went back and re-watched the first part of this comedy extravaganza online because I nearly missed it all by blinking. By my count it was 4 of 5 hometown dates all done in less than one hour. Ok, gang, fair warning: I'm about to begin the recap. Do not: go to the bathroom, the fridge, draw a deep breath, or blink too languidly or you'll have to read this all over again. Ok, ready, set, go!
Reid the Seed: Jill meets him Philly--it becomes a product-promo for his families real estate business. Family is nicely upscale, normal-looking, and classy. Brother's and dad all pretty much imply Reid is an indecisive, commitment phobe. (Sub-theme: Reid can't commit) Granny comes in unexpectedly and throws Reid a surprise 30th birthday party, despite the fact I'm not even sure it was his birthday. Mama and Granny yenta drive home the point that 30 is too damn old to be single and he needs to get his ass into gear. They all love Jill. They kiss and coo. Reid's female fans (hereby known as The Seedlings) can all now begin gasping about their "amazing connection". Date over.
Breakdancing Michael: It's Babes in Toyland as Michael and his not-very-identical-identical-twin, Mark, both jump around like it's time to go the Skate Station Party. Jill shows up and reads them a story. No, I'm kidding, but you get the idea. (Sub theme in this one? Dating high-schoolers is against the law.)The twins try the 'ol switcheroo to fool Jillian and she remains flummoxed for nearly an entire nanosecond. Michael's sister, who is supposedly in Australia, shows up and the entire family and Jillian get drunk and dance. Twin brother talks with Jill and she needlessly admits that: "Age is a factor." Bro gleefully tells her that both he and Michael dreamed of being wedded in the first grade. Jill is relieved that Michael is so serious and they all play Pin-the-Tale on-the-Donkey. Jillian then gambles and risks getting arrested for a violation of the Mann Act, by kissing Breakdance Boy...finally. Wet dreams are a certainty as she's whisked away.
Kiptyn from Krypton: Kip shows up near the beach to gather Jillian and his bevy of female worshippers (now called Kryptonians) all gush at his shadowy face, and six-pack abs (which is all we know about him) and then its off to meet his perfect family. (Sub-theme in this one? Jill is afraid she's not good enough for him and the family). Kip's step dad and mom show up and I think it's pretty gracious of the family to get mom out of cold storage for the show, because this woman has definitely been embalmed. (Note to Mrs. Krypton: lose the number of that plastic surgeon for a while. If that skin on your face gets stretched any tighter, your skull is going to pop out.) The parents, being cards, take Jill out back to a roped-off hot tub presumably so she won't try and rape their son on the their property. (Well at least they've watched the show, and a fat lot of good that did anyway). Jill is then put through the critical test of being able to match the proper wine with the proper pasta dish and this is played out with the drama of a police line up. Joan Rivers, trying to behave like a real mother-in-law, then takes Jill aside for some pushy questioning and implication that her Canadian, rednecked-ass ain't good enough to be a Kryptonian. Kip then ignores the police barricades and hauls Jill into the hot tub where they do some more bad kissing. Date over.
Jesse the Winemaker: Jesse shows up on a John Deere tractor and Jill gets to the see the family vineyards. She also gets to meet Jesse's brother, who's funnier (and according to Mrs. B) a damn sight hotter than his normal-guy brother. (Sub theme: Stick a fork in this guy; he's done.)I don't remember much about this date except that the brother was trying to be funny and mostly succeeding. They also jammed as a family at the end of the date and it looked pretty cool. Jesse and Jillian? Same as always; two total strangers going through some weird mating ritual. Maybe Jill will actually get a surprise proposal from the Bohemian brother? She looked and acted more interested in him than his little brother. Let the conspiracy theories begin! Date over.
Whew! Ok, there it was, one hour of quality American Television. Now for part two, hereafter known as the part this show was actually about, it's time to pass out some props. Now, I normally rag these producers as soul-less monsters (which they are) but they've managed to pull off one of the great bamboozles in history. They've either found the greatest actress in all of Canada or they actually managed to stage and script a virtual circus all around her, and she had absolutely no idea what they were doing. What's the truth? I have no idea, but Jillian looked completely flummoxed by all of this (with the exception of Drop Dead Ed's return). The rest of it? She looked hooked and landed by the whole thing. The producers do receive severe deductions however by the casting of Jake, the cheesemachine, who doesn't have enough acting talent to get a walk-on part in Gay Porn, but I'm nitpicking. On with the show!
Jillian shows up in Austin, Texas, and that can mean only one thing: she's in Grease Country. Greaeball Wes, that is. (Sub theme: Wes sucks!) Wes meets Jill and promptly takes her to meet his "family", his band. Yeah, that was a surprise. The Greaser warbles out some of his lame country music and fortunately constant voiceovers and private interviews are intercut to spare us the agony. Wes then serenades her acapella with "her song" for the three thousandth time this season. He sings the only two lines of this opus he apparently wrote while Jill wets herself in disbelief that her 'boyfriend' is actually a failed country musician. The producer assault begins with sliced and diced audio lines that imply that Wes not only has no feelings for her, but that he keeps a harem of groupies in his tour van, and probably has a case of the crabs as well. Is Wes this big a douche? I don't know, but I doubt it. I said last week that it's time for painting Wes as the villain of this piece, and they went all the way this time.
Then, suddenly: "Up in the sky...it's a bird! It's a plane!" Negative. It's a chessemachine. Jake, the cheesemachine, wearing his gay little pilot outfit arrives in Texas like Mighty Mouse about to save the day. He's here not to plead to Jill to take him back, but to warn her about that nefarious no-goodnik, Greaseball Wes, and his traveling orgy of seedy hos. The cheeser not only shows up, he then stops in the airport after making the trip and supposedly called Toejam Tanner, "To make sure I'm doing the right thing?" Huh? The nonexistent Toejam is never shown and Jake marches on to be Jill's Knight in Shining Sharp Cheddar Armor!
Grease vs. Cheese. Winner? Grease
Jill is seated on her couch when the director yells: "Cue door knock!" Jill gets up and in walks the cheesemachine who proceeds to put on 10 minutes of the worst acting I have ever seen in my life. Junior High School plays have better acting than this, but Jillian, acting or naive? laps it all up and starts to believably bawl over Wes's girlfriend, "Laurel." Jake leaves and the Greaser shows up and Jill confronts him and tells him Jake ratted him out. Wes, who does look caught out, lies like his ass is on fire. Jill then calls the cheeser back and the confrontation is on. Jake accuses, Wes denies, and Jill finally just says: "I'll have to go with my own instincts." Translation: Jake, get out! Wes grins at him as she leads him out and then the cheesemachine proceeds to flop over the hotel balcony railing and does a Jason Mesnick Impersonation. (On a believability scale from 1 to 10; a ZERO!) Work on it, cheesemachine, and don't quit your gay pilot day-job in the meantime! Jill then has a seat and Wes not only charms her with some of his folksy oil, he actually turns the tables on her, and pretty much says: "We goin' to my folks or not?" She promptly caves. (Is Fleiss using mind-altering drugs on her?) And off we go to Greaseland!
Wes stashes Laurel in a closet and leads Jill into his version of Elvis' home: Greaseland. Here Jill meets his family, which consists of a bevy of gullible females, who swear to almighty god that Wes is a stand-up guy. Haha. He sucks her naive face off. Date over.
Time to Drop Dead...Again!
Jill collapses on her sofa after showering for three days to get the grease off her skin, and promptly says: "I can't stand anymore surprises!"
Director: "Cue, door knock!"
In what is this season's worst kept secret, in walks Drop Dead Ed. It's at this point that the writers must have just collapsed from exhaustion. Jill looks like she figured this one out in advance, but still can't hide her giddiness at seeing Ed, (who is said all over the Internet, to really be the one with girlfriend at home. Haha. Keeping up?) "Ed, is work better? Did you quit your job? Is everything all right? If I take you back, do you swear to stand by me this time? Are you going to ask to marry me? How sure are you about us?" I wish I could report that Jillian asked any of these questions like she naturally would have, but she didn't. Ed merely says he made a mistake and asks her for a second chance, which she promptly grants.
Yeah, yeah, I know: the wingman actually bestirred himself from wherever he lurks and had a sit down with Jill, but it was nothing but a recap of the previous one hour and forty minutes worth of crap we just watched. He exits the sit down first to let the five remaining victims know that there is actually a sixth, and in walks second chance Ed. Looks of shock and dread abound but with this editing it might have been when the wingman pranced in and cut a sour fart or announced, "Surprise! Jill's a tranny!" for all I know. The only face that seems to be genuine, is Michael, the breakdancer, and he seems to know that Ed is the face of his doom. Jill walks in looking stunning and gets to it.
1) Reid: the Seedlings pant and rejoice!
2) Kyptin: Kryptonians everywhere reload their vibrators with fresh batteries and sing hallelujah!
3) Ed: Second chance is on. Will his girlfriend be invited on the honeymoon?
4) Greaseball Wes: Boo! You suck! Snidely Whiplash gets to go to Spain. But his race is about run.
There you have it, folks. Drama? Yes. Bullshit? Absolutely! Romance? Huh?
See ya next week in Spain.
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