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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Bachelor Reminders to Self

Whoa, Nelly! I've barely managed to wipe the latest sludge of Brad Womack lies out of the soles of my boots and already the net is popping with rumors that Bachelor 12 is almost ready to start filming with a presumptive air date in March. With the rush of this latest creature spawned by that devil himself, Mike Fleiss, on the way to us, it's time for some healthy reminders to myself and other poor souls like me who watch this show.

1) "It's the editing!" Mike Fleiss may be a slice and dice magician and he might be able to make "I like her but..." into "I like her butt!" but he cannot create quotes and actions out of whole cloth and thin air. People on these shows are definitely edited and manipulated but the Producers become an easy port in the storm when you need someone to blame for drinking twenty margaritas and telling the camera that one of your competitors smells like a "Tuna Taco!" but it's hardly an honest excuse. The simpler answer is that people on this show often act like assholes. I think we are all old enough to deal with that.

2) "I've been single for about a year." Uh. No. Unless you have a divorce decree in your resume you can show us, you have been single for your entire life. Brad Womack was allowed to get away with this little whopper of perspective last season and we all saw how that ended. Promising to only have sex with one woman at a time doesn't take you off the single roles nor does shacking up or any of the modern equivalents. The next time a Bachelor tries this little verbal parlor trick he needs to be informed that marriage is a much bigger deal than what he's done so far. Telling people you're newly single when you've never been married is a sign your perspective is damaged from the get go.

3) One commitment-phobic narcissist and 25 bimbos! That's what I'm going to keep chanting to myself over and over anyway. The gal has a boyfriend at home and the Bachelor wants to sell dog shampoo or something. This should keep me from getting too pissed off...like last time.

Ok, I'll check back in with you guys as time approaches for the newest pirate-fest and we can all laugh in unison as the Bachelor tells the wingman, "Well, the reason is that I've been busy and haven't met the one yet but I'm ready to settle down and if I'm feeling it, I'll go right down on my knee and propose!" Let's all chant together, "Argh! Liar!"

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Bachelor Recap --The Finale and After the Final Rose--The Texas Tool

I get the same feeling discussing the Bachelor 11 finale as I do when trying to discuss the end of the Sopranos--or the 2001: A Space Odyssey. I mean WTF was that! The Sopranos could afford to act like it didn't owe viewers jack shit; it was the series finale. Who knows maybe the other night was also the series finale of the Bachelor as well. TV critics have long lamented the existence of the show and women's groups have treated it the same way they do white slavery auctions so maybe it's a good time for producer Mike Fleiss to call it a wrap. Because if this didn't kill this show it could survive a nuclear blast--a hunting vacation with Dick Cheney--anything!

Perhaps I should clarify. Well, I'll try and make this intelligible but the whole thing was so damn weird, so inexplicable, I'm not sure it's within the scope of my journalistic skills to try and recap it but I'll give it a shot. Ok, here goes. Now, remember when I was worried that Brad might turn out to be too decent a guy for this show? Yeah, ok well turns out Brad wasn't a douche bag in the classic sense we usually see as Bachelor viewers. That would be the skeezy, ass-grabbing type. Women, including Mrs. Barbarossa, can usually stomach that type of man. I mean, she stomachs me. Anyway, Brad didn't turn out to be that kind of Bachelor skeeze. Brad actually turned out to be much worse. He turned into a genuine horror--an emotionally stunted, commitment phobic jerkwad who encouraged the women to open up to him, to share their feelings and all the while plied them with little missives like, "I think you'd be the perfect wife and mother. You make me feel different than anyone I've ever met." And then, in the last ten minutes of the season, turned into a nightmare than any women would fear: an emotionally distant, deeply selfish, and heartless man. It wasn't a pretty sight.

The show started encouragingly enough with DeAnna arriving at Brad's Malibu pad where his mom and brothers Chad and Wesley had joined Brad to meet the remaining two girls. The brothers and mom chat easily with Dee Dee who seems to strike mom's fancy right away. With her eyelashes fluttering faster than the wings of a mosquito, Dee Dee confesses to mom that she's falling in love. Before Dee Dee can get out the door, the boy's join in some ritual horseplay that calls back to youthful innocence and take turns pushing each other into the pool.

Jenni arrives next and the scene is largely replayed but the mood seems a bit more tense or at least it's edited that way which seems to indicate which way the wind may be blowing. But....but....oh who's kidding who, none of this means a damn thing with that finale. It was all a charade--the words, the caring--all of it. Brad Womack is a stone cold asshole! An emotionally retarded teenager running around in a grown man's body. Even we pirates act with honor toward the fairer of the sex. Somebody should give this dickhead some lessons. I sincerely hope that the Womack Brothers kick his ass after what he did!

Ahem...ok, well, on to the finale. Jenni gets out out first and in the household of Barbarossa there are smiles that quickly turn to grimaces. We have pulled for DeAnna but have really enjoyed everything about Jenni except her giggling laugh and in the big world of sins that ain't much. Anyway, we watch the wingman move in and give her the walk of doom toward the plinth where Brad awaits her. He maneuvers her into the classic loser position and proceeds to break her heart. The poor thing had truly fallen for him and earlier (the part I skipped) she had finally confessed to loving him as he gently encouraged her. It was actually very tender but now seeing her rent with heartache is really hard. Brad comforts her and seems remorseful, just as he has all season when dropping a woman, and then gently escorts her away. Like Bevin last year, you can really feel Jenni's pain.

But now that's over and it's payoff time! Will he propose--a ring on a string--plane tickets, or maybe just an offer to pursue this in the real world? We wait with baited breath as the Wingman walks DeAnna into the garden scene and Brad dumps her ass too. Huh? What!? WTF!? Dee Dee stares around in the same amount of shock I'm feeling as Brad circles the plinth grabbing at his collar and fighting for air. A guy I thought might have some John Wayne in his soul is having a full fledged panic attack at the thought of getting married. He's scared out of his mind and lying his ass off to boot. He keeps assuring Dee Dee he has feelings for her but refuses to have any more contact with her? Huh? What sense does that make? (I have to break off yelling at the TV at this moment and head Mrs. Barbarossa off at the pass! She's got a frying pan and is trying to attack our Sony HDTV with it. Get a grip woman! If I thought you could actually hit him I'd let you do it but there are ballgames yet to be watched!) Ahem...to resume, Brad keeps right on lying to Dee Dee assuring her he has feelings for her that are deep and genuine while informing her it's time to hit the bricks. He leads her staggering and tearful to the limo, packs her off and ships her home C.O.D. Asshole! (Listen Buster, I don't watch Reality TV so I can see reality; I do it so I can watch Fantasy.) He had all these feelings for her but didn't even want to go to a movie with her? This is either disingenuous or Brad needs some serious mental help. Either way this season turned into a waste. The only chance now is...well, I vowed I'd never say it but the bane of redemption rests with the unlikliest of people. Come on, Wingman, gut this guy!

After The Final Rose

The early signs are encouraging. Harrison opens the show and the studio audience looks surly at best and even better, it's all women. Heh Heh. ABC seems to sense the trouble they are in with the audience and wrote some checks to get Trista and Ryan and Byron and Mary to fly in just to remind people that the Bachelor isn't always such a horrendous bust. Trista brought Baby Max just to underscore the fact to the cynical crowd that people on the Bachelor actually have sex or something like that. The Wingman, wearing what will be his final smile of the night, pesters Byron and Mary to go ahead and get hitched.

First out to talk is Jenni, who sounds more intelligent than she ever did in the show. Turns out she never even knew Brad dumped DeAnna after he dumped her so after coming to terms that Brad and DeAnna were an item she gets to be angry all over again that not only was she dumped but the whole thing now, "Felt like a complete waste!" Truer words never spoken. Next, the Wingman interviews Dee Dee and she is not only still pissed, she actually holds out hope that Brad has changed his mind in the two and half months since filming ended and would still like to date her. Seeing a woman as pretty as either Jenni or Dee Dee reduced to begging is especially painful.

She leaves and now the moment they have all been waiting for, Brad comes out...and the crowd boos his ass! Ha Ha! Yeah, baby. A Bachelor just got booed, when the hell has that ever happened? Harrison pummels him like Mike Wallace too. He grills him about...well, about basically why he is such a huge loser. The Wingman must have been pissed when Womack dumped the babes because he seems to revel in twisting the knife in his guts, "Do you feel like a jerk?" Ha ha, maybe the Wingman has a little pirate in him after all. Argh!

Jenni is brought back out and she asks the same questions any sane person would. Womack, his eyes as cold as a dead fish, mumbles a load of BS that makes no sense. He squirms like Bill Clinton in front of a grand jury but does it about as smoothly as George Bush would. Then they bring Dee Dee out and she gets emotional. (After watching her all season you know this isn't normal for her either.) Brad reaffirms that he wants nothing to do with her and the crowd groans and hisses angrily. Dee Dee cries and once it's clear there will be no second thoughts the Wingman signals her she can go. Brad, self absorbed loser he is, hugs her and tells her he still has feelings for her. I was expecting her to knee him in the crotch but instead she tell him to stop saying that to her and tearfully exits.

Harrison closes the show by bringing Mary and Byron and Trista and Ryan back out on stage for one final reminder that not everyone on the Bachelor is as colossal an asshole as Brad Womack is. Trista and Mary, who had both been dumped on the Bachelor themselves, look at Womack like he has leprosy. Ha ha, beautiful. So the season ends in a shambles but the good news for Mike Fleiss is there is a writers strike so...this coming spring will be a new Bachelor and for the first time since Jen Schefft tried to kill off the Bachelorette franchise by picking neither man, a Bachelorette will be coming in summer of 08.

Expect your faithful pirate to be back for those. Meanwhile, let's all hope the people in Austin, Texas are angry enough at Brad Womack that they'll make sure that not even a dehydrated cockroach would drink at one of his bars. Argh!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Bachelor Recap--11/12--Veni, Vidi, Vedicar!--They came, they saw, they bitched.

Recap??? This is the cattiest bunch of women in this shows rather dubious history. I've seen fewer cheap shots in a professional hockey game. (Argh)

Nothing more to say. Oh, yeah, one more thing: Chad was right, Sheena rocks.

Finale next week. See ya then.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Bachelor Recap 11/ 5--Faster than a Speeding Bullet.

I hope you didn't blink on Monday night because if you did, you missed the Bachelor and this week was the fantasy dates. Is this a clue that the Bachelor and his lady are no longer an item? I have no idea. I've about given us guessing too. I think after years of sleazing up America, Producer Mike Fleiss has finally rounded the bend and cracked up. He produces a show seen by between eight and ten million people weekly but he has obviously become obsessed with defeating a couple of hundred idiots like me who hang out on posting boards and try and figure out who the winner is; even at the expense of the coherence of the story he's trying to tell. It ain't normal...or even sane. Anyway, because ABC is delighted with it's new series, Samantha Who?, they have decided to shoehorn an entire Bachelor episode in 45 minutes. Like I said, don't blink. Samantha Who? You mean Al Bundy's daughter? Who cares.

Since it will all pass us by at light speed I'll type fast. Brad awaits Jenni--the relentlessly perky one--at a water park in Cabo San Lucas. It turns out all of the the fantasy dates will be in Cabo. Normally, the girls get extravagant dates in places like separate European capitals. But this year all three gals get stuck in one resort in Mexico and get told not to drink the water. Nice. This season couldn't have been produced for less money if they filmed it in Fleiss' backyard (and you better be careful they just might have.) So before Jenni gets a case of Montezuma's Revenge, Brad takes her to swim with the dolphins. How cute. How politically correct. How nauseating. Brad, god bless him, looks about as comfortable hanging out with the dolphin as he would have if Fleiss had dressed him in drag and told him to sing like Carmen Miranda. Brad is a guy. A ball scratching, beer farting guy. We don't swim with dolphins; we watch them play on Sundays. Argh. Jenni, however, digs it. She (say it all together now) DANCES with the dolphin. She did!? I wonder why?! Is Jenni a dancer?! Why didn't you say so? Jeesh.

Brad shakes off the dolphin blues and takes Jenni to dinner where she giggles a lot and talks in her baby voice. Just when I'm expecting to be bored, Jenni drops the demure act in favor of the Jenna Jameson act, "I believe you have something good in your pocket for me and I want it!" She almost undresses Brad at the table to get the fantasy date card out of his pocket too. Brad, being a hairy, ball-scratching, beer-farting dude, tosses the card on the floor, looks right into the camera and says, "Well, Grandma, you wanted to know about our sex; just stay tuned!" Then he takes her upstairs and breaks it off in her. Well, actually he didn't do any of that but it would have been cool if had--especially telling Jenni's sleazy old grandma that he was about to score. They do go up to the suite, however, and Fleiss does everything in his editing power to lead us all to believe that they get it on.

Next up Brad meets Bettina on a dock where a sail boat is moored. Truthfully, the Queen Mary could have moored at that dock and it wouldn't have made any difference. After last week's hometown debacle watching these two go on a date is downright uncomfortable. They don't even seem to like each other very much. Brad and her go sailing for the sole reason of letting Bettina show off her goddess-body one more time before she gets dumped. And show it off she does. Plenty of shots of her in a bikini along with some of the most ridiculous conversation this season. Bettina tries to convince him that her family really didn't shit all over him like it seemed. Brad manages not to laugh and rather sadistically asks her if she's willing to move to Austin. Ewww, it's a good burn! I hope her dad enjoyed the view of him hauling her smokin' bod into the hot tub for some making out. Fleiss again tries to imply they got it on as well but I ain't buying. They shared their first kiss in the hot tub and I've seen hotter kisses on an afternoon soap. It was so uncomfortable it burned my eyes. There is something so incredibly wrong about a hunk of Texas Beefcake like Brad Womack and a Goddess-bod, California babe like Bettina Bell laying hands on each other and generating no heat. It's wrong. Like a violation of the third law of thermodynamics or something; it shouldn't happen. But it did.

Next up, Brad meets DeAnna for some dune buggy riding. Yes, you heard that right. Fleiss' idea of a romantic overnight date begins with a dune buggy race. Hey, beats the shit out of swimming with a dolphin. The weird (or cool, depending on your point of view) thing is that DeAnna seems to love the idea. She and Brad go racing and she kicks his ass. She also rubs it in with her formidable sarcasm. Brad's response? "She put me to shame. I love it!" Oh, please. Come on, Brad. Demographic research shows that two feminists in the entire northern hemisphere actually watch the Bachelor and apparently Brad is worried about pissing one of them off. I hope he doesn't believe he's fooling anyone. After all, we guys are known to love getting our asses HUGE-miliated by our girlfriends on national television in driving contests. A little truth serum and Brad would have been yelling, "Two out of three! Bitch, you cheated!" Men are such idiots.

Dinner follows and it looks like the same restaurant for each girl and the place has all the ambiance of a Taco Bell. But fast-food motif or not Dee Dee lays it on the line to Brad, "I'm falling in love with you." She basically tells him it was love at first sight. Brad either wants to blurt, "I love you too!" right back at her or wants to heave, I can't tell which. One thing I did notice about Dee Dee though, when she is nervous she blinks...a lot! When she was confessing her love to Brad her eyelashes were going like the wings of a hummingbird. It may be because she wears contacts or it's how she shows her nerves but its wild looking. Despite that, Brad invites her up to the suite and she gladly accepts.

Rose Ceremony time and I swore to myself I wouldn't mention the Wingman this week and it turns out I don't have to; he ain't there. Boy, talk about phoning one in. Anyway, the ceremony was as anti-climactic as it should have been. Jenni, looking stunning in a brown dress, gets the first rose. Then, with the Wingman absent without leave, Brad tries to infuse some badly needed drama into the proceeding by acting confused and uncertain. Smirking faces fill the living rooms of people all around the U.S. and Canada as Brad says, "DeAnna." Yeah, no kidding.

Brad leads a completely calm Bettina outside and they chat before he sticks her in a limo. Bettina is led away with the air of someone who just finished third in a spelling bee. She drops an "F" bomb and acts a little pissed. That's all. She was about as much into Brad as her dad was. What an odd chick.

Next week: The Women Tell All, or more accurately, Women Acting like Catty Bitches. Expect a very short recap. See ya then!

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Bachelor 10/29--Hometown Hell

There's good news in Bachelor land. Due to the fact that the dates tonight are hometown dates, the ladies are not at Casa Kitty therefore the Wingman has even less to do than usual. If that's possible. Anyway, he manages to coax his throat muscles into action and gives us some very brief voice overs about the Meet The Parents version of the show this week. Now, ABC has, in its usual way, been pimping this show as containing one of the great hometown disasters in Bachelor history. Eh...we'll see.

First up Brad is off to Wichita, Kansas to meet the family of Jenni, the relentlessly perky one. In case you have forgotten, Jenni is a dancer. I'm sure you haven't forgotten because other than the fact that she has a modeling portfolio, we don't know anything else about her--except she's perky. And Brad thinks she's hot. Well Jenni meets Brad in one of her patented pink get ups and takes him inside a theater where she says she won her first dance competition. Showing some confidence, Jenni tells Brad that dancing is her "Passion. And I'm really good at it too." She should have told him louder. Jenni starts dancing like a cheerleader and Brad, god bless him, starts laughing his ass off. Jenni is athletic...and she is obviously a finely trained dancing athlete but cheerleader dancing outside a sports arena looks ridiculous. Brad holds it together and she manages not to punch him. It might be true love.

For the first time since the circus date Brad and Jenni talk. I mean talk, not neck. We have all been assuming that they talk a bunch but the producers cut it. Seems like they would have mentioned the long distance thing in the intervening weeks but apparently not. Jenni, in a very polite way, lets him know that dancing is something she must do. Brad takes it pretty well but he gets the message that, at least for now, dancing for the Phoenix Suns is first place, and he is definitely second. Ouch. Guys love that, trust me.

Then with the usual hack job editing their conversation ends abruptly and Jenni takes him to her mom's hair salon where Brad meets the family. Awaiting him are Jenni's mom, dad, look-a-like sister, and dun dun dun, Grandma! That's right. It's the thought-to-be-cute, relentlessly-crotchety-grandma. This is the part where most observers of this show start squealing, "Isn't she adorable!" Uh. No. I will never be able to understand why people think an old fart behaving like a manner-less savage is cute. If grandma had been fifteen years younger people would have talking about what a colossal bitch she was but since she's old enough to start drooling, her rudeness is cuddly. B.S.

Anyway, Brad sits down to a meal with the family and everyone appears nice but grandma has decided it's time to start grilling Brad, "Are you a drinker?" Brad, a glass of wine in front of him, dodges and talks about how boring he is. I suppose being dull is a gold standard with grandma. Brad then talks with Jenni's dad Richard about his brothers, their wives, and how they all want kids. Grandma then scoffs, "That little lady ain't no walkin' baby factory!" It's at this moment that I'm hoping Brad will take a piratical stance like old Barbarossa would and say something like, "You're absolutely right, grandma. But since she's gonna be my ball and chain how about you let me decide when to knock her up and chain her to my stove!" The previews actually showed grandma demanding to know about their sex. Gross. What was Brad supposed to do, whip it out at the dinner table so grandma could approve it? Yecch. But Brad just laughs diplomatically. Chicken.

During dinner dad tells Jenni that she's made the Phoenix Suns dance team again. That settles it. She's in Phoenix for one more year at least. Mom then spares Brad anymore of grandma's rude senility and takes him away for a shampoo. Once she gets him lathered up she asks him questions any sane person would, "Being in the bar business...you must meet a lot of...well, I mean why haven't you met the one..." Translation: "What is it bub, are you commitment-phobic or just gay?" Brad responds with some well rehearsed vocal Velvetta about work being a bad place to meet women of substance. Yep. Cheerleader-quality girls are probably hard to find in Austin, Texas. Anyway, dad then takes him outside for a man-to-man. I like dad. He's solid. The whole family is. Except grandma. She sucks. Go ahead and boo. I can take it. Argh!

Next up, Brad goes to California to see Sheena Knievel. She greets him on a marina dock and the two of them go out for a boat ride with her folks. Brad probably breathes easier when he sees they are only going tubing; no jet-ski's in sight. In case you've forgotten, the last time Brad was on the water with Sheena, she demonstrated an average 23 year-olds regard for her own mortality and nearly got both of them killed on jet-ski's. But this time the tubing goes smooth..it's the rest that goes kaflooey. Sheena doesn't get herself booted of the ocean and out of Brad's consideration this time...her mother does it for her.

Sheena's mom corners Brad and has one whacked out talk with him. I know, hard to believe that Brad ran into a whack job in California, (there's so few of them). I'd describe the conversation between Sheena's mom and Brad except its too weird for words. There was something about astrological signs and the big dipper you could reach up and touch and I do remember her saying that her and Sheena were "ready to commit." Huh? Does Brad get to bag them both? Is it a 2 for 1 special? What does Sheena's dad think of this? Anyway, the woman sounds like she's channeling Radio Venus on her porcelain veneers. Perhaps she's a NyQuil addict or something. When she says something about "let's go buy the ring," Brad nearly bolts for door. Sheena showed up and attempted to restore sanity but it was too late. I felt sorry for her. Brad drags her off to the hot tub and he kisses her...on the cheek. They have the sexual magnetism of an old Edsel. It's soon to be curtains for the Knievel clan.

Brad hopes for happier climes in Georgia with DeAnna and he finds them. Dee Dee greets him with a basket of peaches and he responds with a bottle of wine. Peaches? Georgia? Puhhleeze. Dee Dee is too hip a gal to greet him with a basket of peaches. Producers, please butt out. Thank you. Dee Dee leads him in to meet the family and unless you have a memory like grandma's, you know Dee Dee is Greek and since the Bachelor never met any cheese it didn't like Brad is suddenly surrounded by dancing, ouzo-drinking Greeks. It's My Big Fat Greek Cliche. Fortunately for Brad, its a huge step down on the loony meter from the Sheena date. Brad and Dee Dee Dad go have a talk. Dad is polite but firm when inquiring about his intentions vis-a-vis DeAnna. Dad's solid. Cool.

DeAnna then whips out the photo album and all those scenes with Dee Dee being brutally honest to the point of rudeness slip away. The catty bitchiness of Casa Kitty is forgotten as Dee Dee shows Brad pics of her mother who passed away when Dee Dee was 12. Dee even closes the album early and tells Brad, "That's all for now. You can see the rest the next time you come." Solid gold. Fleiss knew he had this. He could afford to let her fight with Jade and look a bit brutal in her honesty--he knew he had mom waiting in the wings. The negative edit continues to melt as Dee meets privately with her sister and confesses that she will be "totally crushed if he doesn't pick her." Brad actually kisses her goodbye but the visit is short. Much shorter than Jenni's. What does it mean? Who knows.

Brad now heads for Washington, D.C. and if you believe the over-hyped promos Brad is going to meet his waterloo. We'll see about that. Bettina greets Brad in old sweat pants and a ratty tank top. Hmm. Anyway Brad has a sit down with Bettina's family and I notice dad looks like a skinny Herman Munster. Creepy. Anyway, ABC is so over the top about what disaste...whoa, dad's a total asshole! He's hatin' on Brad over his lack of education and this ain't editing folks! I think Fleiss actually undersold the magnitude of this disaster. Mom and step mom join in and they're a couple of major sphincter-heads too! This is like a visit to an asshole farm! Step mom rips Brad over owning bars and her and mom team up to dis Brad over stringing girls along then dump him in the kitchen so they can take the fat dog out for a leak. What rude bastards these people are. This is starting to piss me off. Dad tells the camera that Bettina's ex was a 'Wonderful, wonderful man", and "she'll never find anyone better than him." Holy good night! The guy just trashed his own daughter on national TV. He didn't throw her under a bus; he tossed her under a passing train!

Then Herman leads her outside and questions everything about Brad starting with his lack of a high-falutin education like pops has. I'll tell ya what, pops. I'll trade my college degree for Brad's bank account straight up. God, what an uppity jerk this guy is but the really sad news is that after he questions Brad to Bettina she tears up and starts to buy it. Run, Brad, run away as fast as you can! Brad manages to clear the door without killing anyone and sits on the Jefferson Memorial and has a duke out with Bettina. The guy is pissed and he has every right too. Bettina pretty much defends her family. Screw this.

Rose Ceremony: Apparently the wingman was in need of some rest because he doesn't even show up. God, where do I apply? Brad then hands out the roses: DeAnna gets one and so does Jenni and so does BETTINA?! Huh, what!? Ok, it's time for a Barbarossa intervention. If this show was real time I'd be on a plane in a sec. I know what it would sound like when I arrived too,

"Wingman, put down that fruity daiquiri you're drinking and get your ass out here! Hey, Brad, listen buddy we need to talk. Look, I feel your pain...I really do. I mean other than Susan and that Raiderette cheerleader, Cole, Bettina is the hottest piece of tail this show has ever seen but bud, you've got to get some separation here. The wrong part of your anatomy is doing the reasoning here. Now, I'm going to get you a brew while the wingman buys you a one way bus ticket to Broken Bow, Oklahoma. No, I've never been to Broken Bow, Oklahoma. But you see, that's the brilliant part; neither has Bettina. After about a week there you'll be able to think straight again."

Or Brad just kept her so he can drive pops completely insane. In which case Brad Womack rocks. Argh! And I say we send Jenni's grandma and Sheena's mom to live with Bettina's family. Now that's justice!

Next week: Cabo fantasy dates. See ya!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Bachelor Recap 10/22--Hurricane Hillary

I won't even bother to pretend. ABC certainly didn't. This episode has nothing to do with the usual suspense we've grown used to on the Bachelor and everything to do with DRAMA! Every commercial run this week has featured Hillary the Crybaby in paroxysms of hysteria. A complete meltdown! Or in Texas-speak, Look out fella's, she's gonna go nuke-ular! So after waiting an entire week it's time for Hurricane Hillary to strike Malibu. So let's get on with it. Wingman Chris Harrison, looking casual, strolls about Casa Kitty letting the ladies know the score for the week: two one- on-one's and a group date with no roses on any of them. The remaining favorites will have to walk into the Rose Ceremony without the comfort of their favorite assault weapon. It's probably a good thing too. I'm not sure anyone managed to remove Dee Dee's last rose from McCarten's nose yet.

The date box arrives and Bettina the Divorcee is called out to the first one-on-one. Brad takes her for some picnic time and a ride in a gondola boat (Where the hell does Fleiss find these things?) and these two perform a weird, painfully awkward mating dance that is just completely beyond me. Listen, I know they have cameras right in their faces but c'mon, Brad, get her sauced or something. It's not like there's any shortage of booze around. Guys need a hint. The green light. It might come from a gal's eyes, or her gestures or smile but carried within the gesture is an invitation. But this chick is giving our boy nada, zilch. This is a dating show isn't it? Come on, Bettina, we all know you've had hot honeymoon sex already. Give the guy a kiss for shit's sake. Finally the gondola boat goes under a bridge and because it's tradition they kiss...on the cheek. Wow. Smokin'. How do I know it's tradition to kiss under a bridge in a gondola, dear reader? I mean, I'm a guy and don't know jack about romantic traditions. It's because Kristy the former mute told me. That's right, Kristy clued Bettina in on when to kiss her boyfriend. Or is it our boyfriend? The former, I think. Kristy has clearly had all The Bachelor Experience she can stand and spends the balance of this week's show doing everything possible to ensure she doesn't get a rose.

Group date: Dee Dee The Steel Magnolia, Jenni the Perky One, Kristy the Former Mute, and Hillary the Crybaby.

Brad has the girls over to his Bachelor pad for a dip in the pool. Not exactly something different, is it? Brad shirtless and the gals in bikinis. Fleiss just saved another $200 bucks. Bully. Anyway, Kristy the former mute becomes Kristy the black cloud of misery. She refuses to get in the pool, refuses to slip-n-slide--even refuses to act like she's playing football with Brad and in general all but begs the producers to let her go home. They grant her that wish but first Brad has some gals to talk to and kiss. The first one, Hillary the Crybaby, is definitely in the talk category but she's not buying as Brad tries to let her down easy, "You feel like a friend--too good a friend really." Brad looks for a minute like he got his got his point across but Hillary didn't seem to hear a thing. Any doubts about her sanity can be summarily dismissed.

Then he snatches Dee Dee away from the group and they sit in lawn chairs talking and obviously want to kiss but they are in plain sight of the other girls. Brad then commences some cuteness by lightly elbowing Dee Dee and they both giggle in lieu of kissing. It's official. These two dig each other but after the asexual Bettina date this is starting to look more like Blueballs Brad than the Bachelor. But when they can't kiss Brad immediately snatches Old Reliable and drags her around a corner to a hammock and they suck face, no words needed. Oh, yeah! A douche bag move at last! That's my boy, horniness makes even a gent into a pig. Argh! As he leads Jenni to their hammock rendezvous, it's obvious they other girls know they're going to make out. DeAnna takes it quietly but with some pain but Hillary begins to spin up in a test run of what's to come later. Tears pour where only moments earlier she had been cussing like a sailor about Brad "spanking her." Fleiss sets a new benchmark for editing insanity by trying to convince us that when Hillary starts cussing she goes off like someone with Tourette's Syndrome--one long block of unbroken profanity like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. Eat me, Fleiss.

Anyway the final date box arrives and an embittered, jealous Bettina is strong armed by producers to read it to Sheena Knievel, who grins like only a 23 year-old can...pretty impressive when she looks 33 but still, it seems sweet. Sheena looks so old compared to Bettina it's weird when Bettina starts to rip her for being too young for love and marriage. It's official. With McCarten gone and Hillary on her way out it looks like Bettina has nominated herself for the dual position of psycho-bitch of Casa Kitty. Brad arrives, looking rustic, and takes Sheena out for a series of surprises. The Cinderella Date has officially started. He hauls her to some hole where she gets her pick of dresses. She decides on some red number and takes this opportunity to continue the theme of this season and falls down some stairs. (Somewhere in Jersey, Michelle is giving her the thumbs up.) Fortunately for her, Madam Knievel only falls a couple of steps on her bottom but she sounds concussed anyway saying, "I fell on my face." Huh? Where exactly is your face, Sheena? Nevermind. Brad scoops her up and its off to some balloon-filled room for dinner. Look, I know he greased her with some diamonds she got to keep but the complete lack of chemistry between these two was nearly enough to put me to sleep and I don't remember much else. They danced or something. The only thing I remember is Brad kept telling us and her just how much his brother likes her. So what? Is he going to marry her? Is Chad a Fundamentalist Mormon, Brad? If not, shut about it already.

Well, as boring as I thought Shena's and Brad's date was, Bettina seemed to think it rocked. Sheena gets home and tells Bettina and Jenni about her date and Bettina gets pissed and gripes, "Compared to that our date was boring!" She stalks off and Jenni tells Sheena that Bettina is "Here for the wrong reasons." I don't know about that. Bettina has been alternatively frigid or "in love" with Brad, depending on her mood. I personally think the reason she's there is because they wouldn't take her at the nut farm but hey, Jenni's actually lived with her so I'll defer.

Rose Ceremony:

All the women enter the battle unarmed with roses this time but there is absolutely zero sense of suspense as to who will be going home. ABC has showed us Hillary falling about in surround sound all week and Kristy acted like a girl looking for an escape, not a romance and since Brad's only cutting two this week they could have skipped the rest. The only things we would have missed was another cute moment between Brad and Dee Dee, who displayed a sense of humor about her butt and her and Brad finally get the kiss they didn't get at the pool party. We also would have missed seeing Jenni confront Bettina over her comments about her date with Brad being boring. Bettina lies like she's on fire, "I meant it in a joking way. It didn't come out right." Yeah, right. Anyway, Brad also makes one last attempt to let Hillary know the ax is heading her way but she, like a character from Two and a Half Men, hears only potential wedding bells. Brad just lets it go. He'll let the rose do the talkin'. Kristy isn't heard from at all and until they're lined up for the ceremony we don't even see her. Oh, the suspense is killing me!

Enter the rarely sighted species, the Wingman (Latin: Wingmanus Weakus), who taps his glass and calls Brad to make his moves. Brad grinds out some noise about how hard it is...blah blah before it's time for some rose justice, Texas Style:

Dee Dee, Jenni, and Sheena all collect flowers. Re-enter the Wingman, "Brad, ladies, my astronomical calculations are correct; this is the last rose of the night. Brad, whenever you're ready, let 'er rip, the camera's are ready."

Brad: (Gulp) "B...B...Bettina." Before she can collect the foliage, Hillary is starting to rev up.
Wingman: "Ladies if you didn't receive a rose, please say your goodbyes...and if either of you would care to step outside and lose your minds, we're ready for you."
Kristy shoots forward like someone escaping a concentration camp, kisses Brad, and (unsurprisingly) exits without a fuss and in a classy way. Kristy heads home with her reputation, dignity, and mind intact-- a Bachelor rarity. We've seen the last of her. The remaining women take pity on Hillary who is beginning to meltdown and try to comfort her. Brad stands there, obviously feeling like a murderer and waits for her to kiss him goodbye. She makes her exit and then, with editing blossoming everywhere, her little tropical depression becomes Hurricane Hillary; complete with three inches of 'eye rain' and hyperventilation winds of over 120 mph.

All kidding aside, I 'm actually worried about this woman's sanity. She wails, babbles, and has trouble breathing. Brad, who obviously isn't an actual douche bag in real life, paces back and forth in front of the four remaining ladies while Hillary loses what little of her mind she arrived with. Whether by producer prompting, or his own conscience, we don't know, Brad hands his champagne to Dee Dee and goes outside to dump her all over again. Funny how the best of intentions usually never work out, eh? Brad answers her questions but as he walks back indoors she wanders back over to the camera for more comments. (shakes head). Brad grabs his glass back from Dee Dee and hastily toasts with the air of a condemned man. To his credit, Brad looked like he wanted to follow Kristy out the escape hatch.

Next week: Hometown dates and it looks like Bettina's parents don't like Brad. Another fun bit of drama, sans romance. No wonder people are saying there is no love connection this year. Argh! See ya then

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bachelor recap--10/15--Bargain Basement Bachelor!

Since ABC decided to debut some dorky Christina Applegate show before the Bachelor the shows time is cut to one hour this week and I'm expecting it to fly by at light speed and I'm not disappointed either. The wingman shows up at the ladies house talking so fast he sounds like Mickey Mouse on helium: Three dates, a one-on-one, a two-on-one, and a group date. How will they fit all of that action into one hour? Simple. Show 40 minutes of catty backbiting and crying while showing us five minutes of dating, thats how. Besides, these dates are so cheap no one would want to see more than a couple of minutes of each. It must be cheaper to film bitchiness and tears.

Jenni is picked for the one-on-one date and lightning quick, a helicopter is heard circling over the house. Jenni, followed by the eight remaining members of the harem, greet Brad after he lands. He emerges from the chopper and Jenni jumps into his arms. Say what you will, but these two are extremely affectionate in front of the other girls. I keep expecting Jenni to get five meat cleavers flying at her back but the other girls settle for forcing painful smiles on their faces and looking daggers at her. Brad and Jenni take off and through the whole flight she reaches over between his legs like she's honkin' his bobo as the chopper flies over the city of Malibu. Personally I don't know what the big deal is. Helicopters are pretty cool but they've been around since the early fifties. Its not like they got a ride in a flying saucer or something but Brad and Jenni act like they took a ride in an f-16 anyway.

They land on some fairly tall and completely nondescript roof. Wow. This date, minus the chopper fee, looks like it set Producer Mike Fleiss back around 20 bucks. And the chopper might have been a product placement gimme. Anyway, Jenni and Brad eat while sitting on two of the most uncomfortable looking seats I have ever seen before they withdraw to a couch and do some goo-goo eying and lots of kissing. They do look very serious about each other...eh, time will tell. However, the rose is never in doubt and Jenni collects it with an eager squeal and a squeak from her baby-voice.

Meanwhile, back at Casa Kitty, Hillary gets the crying started by mewling and whining that Brad is a hottie and she is worried he's gonna bone Jenni or something like that. She slumps into the arms of Jade, The Queen of Darkness, and bawls. Soon the next date box arrives and Jade informs several girls that Brad is taking them to a comedy club. Jade reads off the names and conspicuously absent are her name and DeAnna's. This means the two-on-one rose or go home date will be between them.The two gals, who reportedly hate each other, take a moment to smirk pleasantly in a way that clearly says, "Drop Dead!" This should be good.

Kristy the former mute, Steffy, McFarten, Hillary the crybaby, Bettina the divorcee, and Sheena Knievel are all invited to a comedy club by Mr. Wonderful his own damn self...and if you thought the Jenni date was cheap you ain't seen nothin' yet. Turns out the girls will be the show themselves and perform improv while Brad sits as a one man audience banging a cowbell. Huh? For the first time since the show started Brad actually looked like a dumb hick, but I guess that's only fair considering some numbnuts producer put the comedy club employees up to making the girls grovel for a rose. I would have taken the rose and rammed it thorns first up the nearest producer's ass. That must be why they don't let male pirates on this show. Argh.

Hillary actually appears to be a natural ham and seems to have a good time showing off. Bettina, clearly out of her element, grabs a party hat and uses it like a megaphone to shout, "I love you, Brad!" and then backs those words up in private. Stalker alert. It looks like Bettina was tired of Hillary getting all the "Crazy" on the show and has decided to show off some obsessive tendencies of her own. I thought this broad had been married before. What the hell was that about?! The glint behind her eyes just became a bit more insane. Three dates and she is in love? Dumb ol' me, when she said she fell in love on a jet ski last week I thought she was kidding.

But it's Kristy the former mute who has the hardest time at the improv. "I don't like being put on the spot." I've figured out Kristy's problem and why she was kept mute for the first few shows. Truth is, they would have never let Kristy speak at all except Brad kept picking her. Kristy is too nice and as Brad will later say, "She's too refined for me." Kristy seems poised, intelligent, and normal. The girl was obviously miscast.Yep, you're entirely too classy for this bimbos parade, Kris. The wings of doom are beating over her head. Brad finally doles out the rose and his new stalker, Bettina is the winner.

Now the moment we have all been waiting for: Jade versus DeAnna! The Steel Magnolia and The Queen of Darkness! The girls do nothing to lower our expectations either. Jade predicts that Brad will see how "wretched" DeAnna is and she will get the rose. DeAnna however, smirks that she isn't going to let Jade dominate their date. Their arrival on the date is greeted by scoffs of disgust by me. This date appears to have cost a buck fifty...max! It looks like the same rooftop Brad took Jenni, sans the helicopter! They have a bag lunch while I wring my hands in mouth-watering anticipation of the coming confrontation.

Dinner starts and through some ham-fisted editing, the girls are made to look like they are interrupting each other, (They weren't.). Then DeAnna settles in answering Brad's questions and talking about her hopes and dreams. DeAnna is so confident, poised, and intelligent it sounds like she's interviewing for a job with the World Bank. Jade settles for a small interjection here or there but mostly clams up as DeAnna expounds like a Nobel Laureate gone country. By the time the third course has arrived, Jade has slumped down in her seat into the fetal position and is whimpering. With Brad present, the claws can't come out and this has become a match of presentation and intellect...and if there had been a referee at the table he would have stopped the fight! DeAnna has absolutely pulverized her! She did everything but pick Jade up and chuck her off the roof of the building. Brad stares open-mouthed at her, lustful drool pooling in his lap. This, my friends, is what happens when two, tough, bitchy chicks go after one another...and one of them is spotting the other thirty I.Q. points. Jade's been in the house with Dee Dee for three weeks, didn't she see this coming? This was a massacre! It wasn't the Bachelor...it was a Clockwork Orange.

Jade gets some special quality time with Brad and you can see him practically shoving her away. He then compounds the massacre by going and getting the rose and, in a rare callous moment, tells Jade just how damn much he digs DeAnna. Jade, now bleeding from every orifice in her body, is hastily led away by Brad who makes no real pretense about his eagerness to get back to DeAnna. Dee Dee, for her part, manages to spare Jade a parting smirk that seems to scream, "Next!" I think of Jenni as I type this and my hands begin to tremble. I'm sure professional cheerleaders are a catty lot but I am praying she has more sand in her tank than that baby voice and that damn portfolio. I'm honestly afraid DeAnna may cannibalize her when they have to go one-on-one.

Brad leads Jade down the stairs, performs the Atomic Mega-Dump, throws her in a car and races back upstairs where he tackles Dee Dee into a hottub and they make out big time. Jade cries and bawls as the limo pulls away lamenting, "Dee Dee seemed to have an answer for everything." No kidding, did she really? Her answer at the moment appears to be playing tonsil hockey with your ex-boyfriend. See ya, Jade.

Interlude:

Back at Casa Kitty, Bettina drops all pretenses and put her insanity on display for all to see. Hillary, Jenni, and her have a talk about marriage and whether or not they would say "yes" to a Brad proposal. Hillary and Jenni quickly agree that they would say yes. Bettina steps in and tells them they know dick about marriage and then confesses she's been married. Wait a minute. Bettina's already told us she's in love with Brad. She thinks the other girls are crazy to accept an engagement when she's in love with Brad? This makes no sense. It looks like Bettina has decided to just let her psychosis out for a walk so they whole world can see it. It's about to get more bizarre.

Rose Ceremony:

Brad prances into the litter box to find his dullest kitten, Kristy sitting around acting normal as usual. Kristy sheds a few tears and Brad soothes her. Sheena Knievel is next and for some strange reason she starts crying. Why? I have no idea. Brad didn't appear to either. I think its doubtful Sheena even knew why. I guess she was just following the sub theme of the night. Then several of his more feral kittens trap him and grill him about who he kissed first. Brad fesses up that it's Jenni. Oh boy. Bettina has already declared her insanity to the world and proof of her declaration comes out at once. She calls Jenni "A slut! A slut and a liar!" Yikes, for kissing and not informing her jealous worship about it at once? The harlot.

And thats not all. Someone needs to speak with these gals about rose decorum. Bettina is wielding hers like a rapier. Jenni has sniffed hers under so many girls' noses that she's practically making love to the damn thing. I wish the Wingman would come into the room dressed like a football ref and throw a flag--"15 yards for illegal use of the rose" or something. McFarten asks Dee Dee, "I wonder who's going home tonight?" Dee Dee squeals, "Not Meeee!" and practically shoves the bloom up McFarten's right nostril. C'mon, Wingman! Show her the red card or something.

The feral cats now confront Jenni for her unpardonable sin of actually kissing Brad. DeAnna watches coolly and says little. She lets Bettina do the crazy routine and just sits sharpening her knife. Jenni dances away as visual daggers pierce her back.

The Wingman, instead of calling fouls, emerges from wherever he lurks and taps his glass. Brad wanders off and then right back. He gives the girls some verbal Velveeta, "An honor, hardest decision, blah blah..." then dispenses with some rose justice. McFarten and Steffy get the boot. I confess Steffi surprised me. When you get the boot while two women who appear to be in need of psychotropic drugs get to stay, I think you've been shafted. McFarten seems to have all the sexual allure of a bag of wet cement and she's been declared a bitch by almost everyone in the house. I expect her to act indifferent to her dismissal but she starts bawling about how she could see Brad as, "The father of her children or her husband." (Remember in America where they used to be the same person?) Steffy pulls a cutie when she holds up her finger, announces, "That's going to make me cry!" turns around and refuses to face the camera. Good for you, Steff.

Next week: Hurricane Hillary dumps three inches of 'eye-rain' on Malibu, complete with hyperventilation. Makes you wonder if the producers are crushing out lit cigarettes on these girls thighs, doesn't it? All of the final six have cried on camera. We're heading for a wondrous finale. Argh.

See ya next week!
















Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Bachelor--10/8--The Lamest Show on Earth!

ABC is really pissing me off and probably did the women who came on this edition of the "Bachelor" as well. Just about every date is on some chartered boat, rented helicopter, or some cheese ball location I wouldn't haul a blind date to. This week it's the circus. Now I sort of like circuses--or at least I did when I was a kid. But it isn't a place that exactly screams "Romance" is it? But I suppose its the cheapest place you can take 5 or 6 women and still afford popcorn. Polygamists and the "Bachelor" have got to save where they can.

I suppose bargain-basement dating allows them to afford to pay The Weak Wingman his outrageous salary for doing virtually nothing. Which at the moment is exactly what he's doing...telling the girls in the house that this week there will be two group dates, (with an immunity rose at each one) and one, one-on-one date with a "rose or go home" at the end....I consider it practically nothing when you're telling a small group of people the same damn thing you've been saying for five years before you head back to wherever it is you hole up. But the women squeal with delight as always.

Group date 1--Circus date: Sarah, Lindsey, McFarten, DeAnna, Steffi.

The harem heads to the circus and before they can even get inside the big top, Sarah gets to stop and feed an elephant. Now, maybe I've watched too many of those 'Animals gone wild' shows they have on FOX but elephants scare the crap out of me anymore. Sarah is lucky, however, and all the elephant does is sneeze on her or something. It looked revolting to me but she seemed to think it was cool. Yecch.

Once inside, the cameras moved to Jenni, who seemed to be really enjoying herself. She did some gymnastics with Brad and some clowns in attendance and no one can argue the girls not athletic. Brad said, "She's the one girl I still get a little nervous around." That's sweet. Maybe. We'll see. Turns out that the Perky One is here to lay the wood to our boy though. She tells him that she is really into her career as a cheerleader and if he picks her she needs to wait for a year before "really jumping in." I have the feeling this wasn't exactly what Brad was dying to hear but I have to hand it to Jenni, I thought the girl was a little dim but she handled him with wife-like finesse. She mixed in just enough gooey shit and sexy smiles to keep him baffled as to the fact that she was actually bossing him around. Bravo, Maestro! This kids got a future.

Brad moves fast and finally has a real conversation with Steffy who talks about how much she respects her dad. Can't go wrong with that approach and Brad looks suitably impressed. Then he leads the women backstage and they await some kind of reveal before the circus crowd. You'd think this was going to be lame, wouldn't you? These people at the circus could probably give a shit about Brad or this show. They came to watch elephants and clowns I'm sure but here comes Brad and the harem anyway. Oh-My-God! The clown just introduced Brad as "The Sexiest Bachelor Ever!" Oh, the humanity. How many innocent childhoods were just ruined with that utterance? Why didn't the clown just pour it on and say, "He's hung like a mule too, folks!" A new low has been reached. Even for this show.

While the ladies watch the circus, Brad makes his next move and hauls McFarten away for some quiet, alone time. I'm expecting some standard 'Connection' cheese when Brad suddenly fires one across her bow, "Am I getting a friend vibe?" Whoa. McFarten nearly swallows her tongue. "Oh, no, no. No friend vibe here! I'm feeling a lot more than that!" Give the girl credit, she's not dumb. She could hear the beating of the wings of impending doom in that little question. In honor of a decent IQ, if not a personality, I'll actually call her McCarten for the rest of this report. Not that it sounds any less dumb. And then finally in a moment that practically defines anti-climax, Steffi is given the rose. Praising dad is never a bad thing.

While Brad has been charming group 1, the date box has arrived and Hillary has been chosen for the one-on-one date. She cleans up very nicely I must say and Brad arrives with a wooden box filled with a big, expensive necklace. Naturally, Brad presents the jewels right in front of the other girls so they can all die with envy. DeAnna, who is looking less like Rebecca of Sunny Brooke Farm this episode, observes that watching him bejewel another gal with a million bucks of swag sucks.

Brad takes a fabulous looking Hillary to a restaurant for a private dinner. Then...well, Hilary cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. For no reason whatsoever! I swear, before the food had even arrived she started bawling! I nearly laughed my ass off thanking almighty god that I wasn't Brad Womack at that moment, washboard abs and million dollars not withstanding. You could actually see Hilary's glue melting. Brad looked as confused as I was but instead of falling on the floor laughing, he looked scared to death. The second he got up off the couch to fetch the rose I got enough air into my lungs to shout, "Pity Rose!" But looking back in hindsight, I'm sure it was just Brad's kind nature winning out. (Even we pirates aren't completely without compassion. Just ask Mrs. Barbarossa. Or don't.) Maybe he was afraid that she would have a coronary if he dumped her or maybe the producers told him that if he ditched her, they would make them fly all the way back to Malibu together...with no booze and cameras rolling. Either way, she got the flower.

When he gave her the rose she finally stopped crying so he took her to an ice cream parlor where they made sundaes together. In a private interview she dropped the "L" word. That's right! One date alone and she is falling "In Love!" Somebody needs a restraining order and a bodyguard and that somebody's name is Womack! Run, Brad, run.

Group date 2: Another damn boat--Solisa of the blessed boobies, Bettina, Sheena, and Kristy.

This years group, boat trip involves all the famous "Bachelor" staples: Jet skis, dancing, and booze! Brad takes the remaining girls out on the water and finally, I say finally! talks with Kristy.I was beginning to think the girl was a mute. I thought she spoke on night one but I couldn't be certain. I do, however, remember being attracted to her. I'm assuming Brad was as well since she's still around but even Kristy admits she hasn't opened up and tries to warm up a little.

Then the second invisible woman of the show, Sheena, also makes an appearance--and does so with a bang! I've been watching this silly show for about five years and I know they call an ambulance every time someone sprains their shoelace and in all that hype Sheena does the first truly dangerous thing I've seen (besides the constant danger of alcohol poisoning). Trying to prove how competitive she is, Sheena joins Brad on his and her jet skis and proceeds to cut across his path at about 80 miles an hour. It was so damn dangerous that the Marine Patrol actually came over and beached her. I'm serious! Brad went back out with Bettina while they made her stay on the yacht. How reckless, (or drunk!) do you have to be to get grounded off a jet ski in the middle of the ocean by boat cops?! Wow! Anyway, back on board, Solisa decides she's been quiet long enough and gives Brad a lap dance. (Man, am I going to miss this chick and her morals.) The guy is so embarrassed he looks like he'd prefer another round on the jet skis with Sheena just to get away from her.

While Brad manages to escape from Solisa, Bettina pulls the pin on that divorce grenade she's been carrying around and drops it in his lap. His response? "What, what did you say?!" The guys jaw almost hit the deck. Ouch. He looked less than thrilled but its hard to tell how much of that was shock. Unfortunately the edit veers away so we can't really assess his reactions. Back out on the deck, Kristy, who started to try harder is rewarded with an immunity rose.

Now its time for the stunt we've all been waiting for since it was announced that Brad had a twin brother. Its fool the bimbos time. (You cannot convince me that every set of twins, male or female, doesn't try this stunt at least once.) Chad, Brad's not so identical twin shows up. Now, these guys are about as hard to tell apart as Penn and Teller but they go for it anyway and (shockingly, considering the IQ's involved) they do manage to fool some of the women. The producers keep most of the women spread out and isolated as Chad makes his moves and Brad watches from the backseat of a limo on a monitor. Golden Goddess Lindsey is the first to drink the kool-aid and flunk the test. Brad's face falls--she's toast. Sarah is up next and she goes down in flames too. To salve Brad's shredded ego (I felt for the guy) we see several girls actually catch on. By the time Chad approaches Kristy, Brad is practically begging, "C'mon Kristy!?" Chad doesn't get within five feet of her before she is saying, "You're not Brad!" Ditto Sheena, Bettina, Dee Dee, and Steffy. Strangely enough, it's McFart..., sorry, McCarten who tries to stay quiet out of politeness and nearly gets herself pole-axed. What's even more strange (and suspicious) is that the parts where the other women were tested wasn't shown. Who knows how that went.

Rose Ceremony: Steffy, Hillary the crybaby, and Kristy the former mute have roses and are safe.
Getting roses: Sheena Knievel, McCarten, Jade, Dee Dee, and waiting till last to inject false suspense, Bettina. Divorced but way too smoking hot to get the thumb already.

Once again the departure speeches are subdued. Sarah seems puzzled while Solisa says some weird stuff that made zero sense (a refreshing change). Lindsey supplied the only tears and they appeared to be of the getting-dumped-on-national-tv variety instead of the heartbroken kind.

This week has muddied the picture for your favorite pirate. Jenni, Dee Dee, and Bettina remain my f3 but the shine is off the apple in each of their cases--at least a little. Jenni needing a year was honest but Brad seems in a bit of a hurry. Bettina's divorce may turn out to be a tempest in a teapot but there is no way of knowing at this point. DeAnna is the wildcard, IMO. She was shown in a more negative light this week and seems to have joined a clique with McCarten against Jade and Hillary. Previews from next week show a DeAnna/Jade showdown on a 2 on 1 date and Jenni goes for as helicopter ride.

The events back at Casa Kitty reveal that in five years of watching this show this is the cattiest sack of women I have seen. I'm not sure this bodes well for anyone who wants to see a love story.

See ya next week!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Barbarossa breaks down The Bachelor for 10/1

Yeah, yeah, I know. The "Bachelor?" Fish in a barrel , right? Well I don't feel too bad about it to tell the truth. Nothing wrong with hammering the shit out of something that has it coming after all. Besides, old redbeard here is one of what could only be five or so guys in the whole U.S. who actually watches this show.

But something truly disturbing may be at work with the current incarnation of the "Bachelor", currently in it's eleventh season. That something is that after a nearly non stop parade of douche bags the "Bachelor" may have finally screwed up and picked a decent guy. We'll have to wait and see how this plays out but considering that every other guy who has been on this show has just used it as a televised excuse to see how many skeezy chicks he can try and bag, this may destroy the genre. On the other hand, perhaps the new bachelor will turn out to be a dirt bag like the rest of them. We can hope. Now, on with this weeks travesty....

Host Chris Harrison, "The Weak Wingman" as he will be known from now on, mysteriously appears at the girls new pad like some leprechaun from an enchanted forest and lets the ladies know the scoop for the week: 2 group dates, one at Del Mar Racetrack and one at a beach house in Malibu. And then slinks back to whatever cave he hides out in when not busting up cocktail parties or performing single digit mathematics. I'd hate to see this guy actually do something useful...like help the Bachelor out or anything.

1st Date: Del Mar Racetrack. Women: Erin, McCarten, Kristy, Mallory, Hillary, Jade, and Deanna

Brad greets his harem and hands out a fistful of dough saying that you can tell a lot about a person by how they gamble. Staying par for the course with the surreal editing of this program however, we never get to see what kind of gambler Brad really likes. Its hinted that Deanna wins her bet but the race they are supposedly watching could have been from 1980 for all I know. But then things go from slightly surreal to downright odd. Into the private box walks San Diego Chargers linebacker Shaun Phillips. Huh? I'm a fair weather fan of the NFL but even I haven't got a clue who Shaun Phillips is and even less of a clue as to what he is doing on this show. Does Brad know this guy? Apparently not but after a few minutes of small talk with Brad's harem, Shaun steps out with Brad and the latter immediately starts asking for advice on the ladies. Odd just gave way to Twilight Zone. Bachelor Brad is now taking babe advice from a professional athlete he doesn't know. (Just for the record, Shaun liked Deanna whose name has magically morphed into the cuddly moniker of "Dee Dee". The girl is gonna be a contenda, mark my words.)

While Brad is busy digesting his main man Shaun's dating advice his cell phone rings. Just before commercial a quick cutaway to the girls mansion let's us know that Michele (she of the bestial hair highlights) has managed to perform a header down the stairs. (You can insert your own joke about her being shoved by your least favorite bachelorette at this point). Perhaps producer Mike Fleiss might want to consider not renting mansions with two story's if he's going to stock the place with five crumbs of food and thirty cases of booze. Nah! Anyway, Brad does a piss poor job of acting surprised and the women do an even worse job of acting concerned. It goes from, "Oh, my god!! Is she all right!?" to "One less to worry about," in about ten seconds. Brutal is our McCarten whom earns the nickname "McFarten" from me for that lovely sentiment.

With the fake drama (and concern) now over, McFarten snags Brad away to get some alone time. Brad, who seems creeped out by her, is stumbling over some innocuous phrase when McFarten assaults him with her lips! It's an unprovoked attack. Christ woman! At least let the guy finish his sentence. Personally, I've seen smoother moves displayed on elementary school playgrounds than this. Brad does everything but scream, "Icky!" This has to go down as one of the most embarrassing moments in the shows illustrious history. Brad even admits privately how bad it was. (When's the last time you heard a guy say that about sucking face with a gal?)

A quick cut away from the scene of the attack and we join Brad talking with Deanna. She shares that she was in a relationship that lasted five years and it ended when he cheated on her. Brad praises her on her commitment. If you are noticing some compare and contrast editing going on, dear reader, you're not alone. Deanna is clearly being sold as the normal adult in this pack. Brad, who clearly digs her, hops up at once and goes and gets the date rose. The other girls have to sit and watch as he takes the prize right in front of them and walks out. Watching him with daggers in her eyes is the woman who is obviously serving in the role of "Superbitch" this season, Jade. Headhunting cannibals would fear Jade. Even McFarten sits silently in her presence. God, I love this show.


Date 2: Beach Orgy. Women: Bettina, Jenni, Steffi, Sheena, Sara, Solisa, Lindsey.

The second group, who've been forced to wait in frustration while group 1 hogged Brad at the racetrack prepare for their moment by dressing in Bikini's and posing for group photos looking hot. Solisa, who must be a producers dream, coos about how happy she is to be going to the beach where she can wear a bikini. I wonder why Solisa is happy about this? Okay, I'll give away the secret. Its because she has HUGE BOOBS! It's customary at this time for any reviewer of the "Bachelor" to slam a well endowed contestant with the 'ol "Oh-My-God, they're so fake!" line. Well, they're two problems with that: one, I'm a guy and could give a shit if they're fake and two, I don't think they are. But they do look capable of taking over the world anyway.

Brad pulls up to the women's pad in some Frankie and Annette 'Beach Blanket Bingo' car and proceeds to check on Michele, who won't be going on the date but despite being carted off in an ambulance appears to have done nothing more serious than spraining her highlights. Brad shows some concern for her but the air between them is tepid at best and besides, he's got some dating to do. The beach date begins, (now don't be shocked!) when Brad starts pouring the booze. The beach house is pimped as something special and maybe it is. It's Malibu I guess but despite the pedigree it just looks like a small beach house to me.

But size only matters if you're Solisa and the booze begins to flow immediately. Steffi and the rest of the ladies are pissed that Brad has remained covered in a shirt for nearly five minutes and she proceeds to undress him on the deck. Brad may be a vet of the bar business but the guy looks like he's gonna die with discomfort. (Wingman should slip in with even more booze to help his man out but they would involve actual work and I'm sure its not in his contract.) The gang heads out into the surf as fun and frolic are had by all. Brad then manages to corral Jenni , who looks so much like Katie Couric I think 'Perky' every time I see her. He's in a room with her somewhere and they kiss. The perky one seems to enjoy herself and lets us know it too.

But Brad is a busy man on the move and he heads outside where he nabs Sarah. Who? I'm sorry but I don't really remember this girl at all but Brad seems to. He remembers her so well, as a matter of fact, that he gives her the 'Special Immunity Rose' for this date. The other girls grow claws immediately. Lindsey, who is so blond and tanned it hurts my eyes, immediately brands Sarah, "A fake," because she seems "too happy". Considering the high crimes and misdemeanors of the world, being too happy isn't gonna make my top ten list of pet peeves most days and its all pure jealousy anyway. Besides, unlike the Katie Couric look alike, Sarah doesn't irritate the shit out of me with her laugh. I actually kinda like her but I think she's probably too young to win this. The perky one is justifiably confused by Brad giving Sarah the rose after making out with her. C'mon, Brad, keep it up. I haven't given up on you yet!

Undeterred by the loss of the immunity rose, the other women continue the attack. Now all well lubed with vitamin xxx, Steffi leads the assault force by licking salt out of Brad's belly and Solisa is at last free to show off her cannon shells. She gets Brad to do a "Body Shot" off her starting with a salt lick from her cavernous cleavage. He appears to be sufficiently well-oiled himself to lose his inhibitions and dives in. Can't you just imagine Bradley having to explain this one to a future Mrs, "Uh, honey, it was all the producers fault!" Yeah. Right.

Bettina, whom I'm having trouble getting a bead on, is sickened by Solisa's display. Bettina is a dark horse character in this. There is a fine line between being edited to hide and edited to invisible because you're not important enough to show. I suspect Bettina is the former but I can't be sure. Solisa chooses this moment to up the weirdness meter by declaring herself a "Christian...morals and values mean a lot to me." and then topping it off as soon as the sun goes down by heading into that Bachelor staple, the hot tub. Brad, in what seems a rare scripted moment, asks the women whats the craziest thing they've ever done and before you can blink Solisa is up and running to the ocean with her top removed. Even Brad seemed a little taken aback by this display and I'm left to ponder how I must have read the wrong bible when I was a kid and must have missed the part where Mary let men do "Body shots" on her and ran into the Dead Sea with her fun bags flopping in the wind. Maybe I'll get religion after all.

Meanwhile back at Casa Kitty, Hillary, who has been getting steadily bitchier this episode, and the Queen of Darkness--Jade, both somehow manage to divine that Jenni has a modeling portfolio hidden away in her bag and (shockingly!) know right where to find it. Nice of the producers to help out with this one. They quickly surmise that Jenni is a fame ho who is here for the 'wrong reasons' and spread the word on her. Imagine that. A woman went on the Bachelor to further her career. Will wonders never cease? Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is. She brought a photo book with her. BFD.

Rose Ceremony time. Brad starts off with Michelle and the poor girl seems to be trying to stuff two weeks of talk into ten minutes. She reminds him she's the oldest just as she informs him that she needs to pay off her college loans. Wow, that'll hook him. Every man yearns for an older woman who's knee deep in debt. Yum. Then its off to see Bettina, who we have just found out is harboring a little secret: she's divorced. Now, last time I checked, the stigma about divorce vanished in about 1968 but you see the Bachelor is part Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street and part Victorian England; just a bit schizophrenic. Bettina becomes tongue-tied when she tries to break the news to Brad and chickens out saying, "I didn't feel secure enough at the ceremony tonight." So instead she hits him with some cheese about "wanting to be here right now," and escapes. You can hardly blame her considering the lifespan of divorces on this show is about the same as a mayfly hatch over a crowded trout stream. Brad then moves over to 'Take your pants off' Mallory. He asks her about her perfect day and she proceeds to envision their life together as a dominatrix/slave relationship with Brad serving her breakfast and doing all the work. Easy, Mal, you're turning him on especially when you act repulsed at the thought of a job.

The wingman then appears to call a halt to the festivities. Just once, I wish Harrison would break up the cocktail party like one of my Irish relatives--drunk as a skunk with a chair raised over his head. I mean, if you're going to break up the party, break it up already! But Harrison just stands there tapping his glass with a spoon like some fruity matre'd and whisks the Bachelor away.

Brad return after a commercial and dispenses some rose justice. Erin, Mallory of the vanishing pants fame, and Michelle of the bestial highlights fame are all axed. For the second week running the goodbye interviews are fairly subdued. Only Michelle manages some meaningful tears but no meltdowns as of yet which means Brad must be holding onto the truly crazy ones for later.

Girls who got roses:
1) The Perky One--he digs her even if I don't. She's got a chance
2) Sarah--He gave her a rose but I ain't feeling it.
3) Dee Dee--Heavyweight...count on it.
4) Kristy--Oh, hello, I forgot you were still on the show. Must be something we haven't seen.
5) Jade--Ugh!
6) Sheena--Who are you again?
7) Bettina--Careful on holding out on the divorce girl. Still a player though.
8) Steffi--Spicy...eh, I don't know.
9) McFarten--Gag me with a steam shovel.
10) Solisa--Our mother of the blessed boobies.
11) Hillary--Previews make her look like in high school she was voted "Most likely to breakdown and become unglued at the drop of a hat." This should be fun.
12) Lindsey--Filler...like oat bran.

Brad--Still think the man is crimping my style by being honest, decent and acting like a real human being. When some gal does something asinine he actually laughs at them. What kind of a bachelor is this? Come on, dude! Get all plastic why don't you.

My early f3--Jenni, Dee Dee, Bettina. Next week--fun at the circus--don't miss it!