Friday, December 28, 2012

The Captain's Off-Season Wrap- Up

Welcome back, my friends. As always, your Captain is humbled by your readership of his silliness and raring to go for yet another over-the-top cheesefest that is heading our way shortly. While I polish my snark sword and load my snark cannons in anticipation of the approaching Bachelor season, it's time to publish a recap of the hijinks and insanity that has occurred in the off-season. So, keep trying to floss that turkey out of your teeth and staring morbidly at the bathroom scale as I go over what has transpired since last we spoke. And there is a ton.

But first, you may have noticed that the Blast still flies the off-season masthead--no Sean Lowe anywhere in sight. It seems the Blasts resident artist, Dee Dreamer, has gone AWOL. Since she has vanished, we'll have to stick to the standard Jolly Roger. I wouldn't worry though, my guess is that we won't be hurting for shirtless Sean Lowe pictures.

Speaking of...

Sean Lowe is the next Bachelor.
Not what you'd call a big surprise. Regular readers of the Blast saw months ago the Sean had bitten whatever bullet he possesses and agreed to the slave-terms offered by world class dirtbag, Mike Fleiss, and agreed to become my next verbal punching bag. How will it go? No idea. Sean is not your bargain basement filler we've had of late, but god only knows why he's doing this. The head shots of the women have already been released ( along with a few promos) and naturally, spoilers already abound. But as always, who knows what is correct. But my readers can relax, the Captain doesn't do spoilers. My other readers can relax too: the Captain never plays favorites either. As much as I like Sean (at the moment anyway) he signed up, and that means he's fair game. See ya in early January, Genetic Marvel.

First, the triumphs

Jason and Molly Mesnick.

Two good eggs I gave unremitting hell to when they got together and then later had to apologize to, happily announced they are expecting their first child together. Congrats, kids! Now Jason's son--who has haunted my nightmares since Deanna's season--will have a little brother or sister to torment. Good for all involved and my best wishes.

Mr. and Dr. Mrs. J.P. Rosenbaum.

The second non-surprise. While I'm normally hesitant to make predictions, this one wasn't too hard. A couple with Real Jobs who returned to normal life and barely waved at Hollywood made it to the altar. True, I found Ashley unbearably boring as the Bachelorette, but said at the time I understood why: she found her guy. While most on this show go on horndog tears, even when the have the one they want picked out (I'm looking at you, Womack!) Ashley politely declined. She stayed sober, out of hot tubs, and together with the guy she wanted. I know,I know; it's unbelievable. She did it! They did it! And good for them.

Maybe they need to cast more Jews?

Now for the Rest

Vino Ben Flajnik and Queen Courtney Robertson

Well they beat my expectations. I gave them three months; they made nine. Courtney, however, had barely parachuted out of Ben's treehouse when she landed in the arms of Racecar Arie Luyendijk, jr.

Why am I not even a little bit surprised?

So, no worries for them. To my knowledge they're both saying its "non-exclusive" so, hey, no biggie. Just two attractive horndogs going at it like fornicating 14 year-olds. Let em alone, kids, they're not worth the effort.

And finally...

Emily Maynard and One-F-Jef Holm.

My, that was quick. By my count that lasted three whole months from the airing of the finale. But still, people are obsessed with them. There are daily "Jef sightings" on some boards while others have been known to light candles at church praying they get back together? Huh? Anyway, I don't do predictions much, and I've never caught more hell than I did for my write-up of their finale since I pretty much called Jef a hairless chihuahua with a bouffant, but are you kidding me? This relationship was belching smoke even before the official break up--Emily was charged with sexting NFL quarterbacks without a license or something, and Jef was being accused of trying to meet up at hotels with his ex. No matter. People have engaged in some of the nastiest online fights I've ever seen over these two. Really? You lost friends over this? Seems a bit odd when the fans seem to care more than the couple does. A three month engagement? How serious we're they from the beginning?

You lost a friend over this? What the hell is wrong with you people? Hello?

Ok folks, there you have it. Oh yeah, Tony and Blakely lasted a month or so. Bully. More exciting was the broadcast of The Bachelor Canada. If you what to see what the Bachelor was supposed to look like, go check it out. Brad and Bianka, good for both of you.