Bachelor Recap 3/24--The Shayne Lamas Show!

Dumb 'ol me. I thought this was supposed to be a cheesy reality-dating show. I missed the part that said The Bachelor is now a pilot episode of The Exceedingly Tedious life of Shayne Lamas. It could also be a new show called Blonds Behaving Badly but I think there already one of those called Rock of Love. Personally, I watch this train wreck on the off chance that lightning may actually strike and a love match might occur. Nobody told me I was going to have to sit through Paris Hilton: The Early Years. Oh well, glad I caught up on all those limey phrases to prepare myself to watch a Malibu bleach blond strut around and throw pity parties. Hell, I can see that down at the local mall. So much for British phrases and apparently, so much for Matt Grant. He's practically an extra. But the show must go on. I guess.

Fashion Show:
This week opens with the wingman visiting the hen house to let the girls know the score for the week. There is two group dates with two early roses on the line. One group is destined for a fashion show and with the one hour time limit imposed by ABC we are whisked away to the limo where the British Leghorn is already in full dating mode. Accompanying him are: Erin H. (The dark-haired one), Amanda, Marshana , Kristine, Ashlee--the singer/songwriter, Begora! Michelle, Holly--The Goldie Hawn lookalike, Noelle, and Amanda--Madam Hiccup. The rooster leads his hens to a fashion show and tells them they're the show then stands there like a jackass and claps as they strut their stuff. The show is a snooze except for Ashlee, who for some odd reason is sporting hair like she's married to a televangelist, and Amanda, who removes her jacket to show Grant her non-existent chest. Zzzzzzzzzz.

The show over Grant leads them to an apartment where they're going to have a group orgy. Ok I lied about that but what the hell else is he supposed to do in a penthouse apartment with eight chicks? Nothing apparently. They have some individual conversations which should be really intimate with eight different girls in a 75 square foot room. Marshana is first to corner Matt and they have a talk about race. The Brits are reportedly cooler about interracial stuff than we are but we're cooler about using dentists than they are, so I guess it comes out in the wash. Anyway, Matt says all the PC crap you'd expect instead of the truth. Personally I can think of twenty-five black women I know who are betting looking than Marshana--starting with Halle Berry and working my way down to women I actually know. The trouble isn't that she's black, the trouble is she is damned unattractive. Nice forehead. Yeesh. Anyway, thanks to the Bachelor, race relations in America are cool for another night.

A quick cutaway and we're back at the hen house and the rest of the girls hear they are going to be going to Vegas for some gambling.

Then, back at the penthouse, in another instance of the musical theme of this season, Begora! Michelle sings a few lines to Matt. Her voice is ok but the song sounds like a five year-old wrote it. Gag. Then Ashlee, showing all the reticence evangelist wives are known for, snares Grant and sits on a bed with him in a small room off the main one. She then does everything but pin him to the bed. He finally kisses her but his body language says, "Yuck!" But then he shocks me by going and getting the rose and handing it over. "I gave her the rose because she was the most forward." Whoa, big fella, that's called chum in the water with this group. Ashlee then shows the restraint of a star athlete who's just scored the winning touchdown. She prances around like a six year old and does everything but ram the rose, thorns first, up the other girls' bottoms. Reticence indeed. Erin H. , who we've seen little of, slams Ashlee as a "young 22." She needs to hold on a moment. "Young 22" is about to be defined for her.

Vegas: Chelsea, Robin the Bobbin, Erin S.--Bruno, Kelly--Man voice, Holly--Goldie Hawn, Carrie, Amy, and Ta-Da! The Dalai Lamas! Yes, it's time for some drama. Shayne starts the outing by telling us that as far as Vegas, "She's been like, a thousand times!" How modest. You're not telling us that you've been raised with a ton of money are you, Dalai? I mean, I'm shocked. Turns out Shayne is going to be this seasons girl who can't deal with "the process". You know what I mean, the process of actually being on a show where she has to date one guy along with fifteen other girls. There's one of these every year and Shayne is this years winner. And after one whole-sorta-group date with one guy and a pile of other women she feels she needs "Time alone with Matt."

They start gambling at a roulette table and like an idiot with a lot of money and damn little sense, Shayne lays her whole bankroll on red. It comes up black and she's busted out right away. Learning from her lesson, Robin the Bobbin decides to play it safe--by not playing anything at all. That's exciting. Riveting T.V. Robin sits at the table with her thumb up her bum while others gamble. Kelly wins the most chips and gets Special Quality Time with Matt and shows off a three-pack-a-day voice. She slurs to us that Matt now knows she can hold her liquor. Hahah. She's bombed and sounds like Lucille Ball at eighty. Damn thats attractive!

Matt guides her back to the group where Shayne snatches him away and has a major meltdown. She accuses Matt of "keeping her as a fall back!" Spoken like someone who's used to calling the shots with guys. Grant, to his credit, slams her pretty good for her behavior and she acts contrite...until Matt turns his back. Then she locks herself in the bathroom and whines about "having feelings for Matt." It's been one and a half whole dates! She's been alone with Grant for probably thirty minutes and she's having feelings!? Never tell this girl was raised in Hollywood, eh? Anyway, she throws a poutfest and acts like a spoiled diva. And Erin and I thought Ashlee acted like a little kid.

Chelsea gets some private time with Matt and they have a nice talk and she talks about her great life but that she's lonely. It's a nice moment but if there's any chemistry between these two it escaped me. Matt seemed suitably impressed, however, and she gets the Vegas Rose.

Rose Ceremony:
The cocktail party starts with Bobbin and Matt sitting outside where they play some imaginary train game and he kisses her. The guy is racking up a pretty good total of smooches. And while he's recovering from the Bobbin, Marshana marches out and all but demands a kiss. Hey, it worked for Ashlee. Matt dances with her but never kisses her. He says, "The other girls were watching and I thought it would be inappropriate." Yeah, right. I guess that sounds better than, "I was mesmerized by her gigantic forehead and couldn't move!"

Carri, who last week earn the moniker of Bluto for eating a beer can sits with Matt and breaks out in some horrid opera singing. Don't get me wrong. Barbarossa thinks all opera singing is horrid but Carri sounds like she's giving birth to an ostrich, not singing. Had she stood up and left an egg behind it wouldn't have surprised me. Can-eating and opera singing--you can't say she's not eclectic.

Erin H. steps in and snarkily observes and that she needs to start singing if she hopes to get a rose. Hehheh. She deserves a rose just for that comment in my book.

At last we come to the Dalai Lamas who desperately apologizes for acting like a thirteen year-old in Vegas. Matt pops her about the acting and wonders if she's genuine. Shayne goes into recovery mode and the edit makes the whole thing sound like teen-diva surrenders to the Lord Grant. Hmm. Matt then privately confides that he isn't sure he can handle the "drama". But then our Leghorn makes the comment that might be his undoing--not just for the show but for the entire season--when he acknowledges that Shayne is "Out of my normal league." And there you have it faithful reader. Matt is thinking with his head all right. But its the smaller version. As a matter of fact, this thing may be over right now. The other girls...well there are a few who are attractive, and none of them are really ugly, but...there's a grand canyon divide in looks between Shayne and the others. We'll see.

The wingman makes his usual entrance and drags Matt away. The ceremony begins and the roses go to:
1--2) Ashlee and Chelsea. Then

3) Bobbin--The un-gambler knew when to hold 'em and when to play Vivaldi on the piano. I might have hope for her if the press release for next weeks show didn't call her, "The girl all the other girls love to hate!" Look out!

4) Holly--Goldie Hawn gets a rose but we barely saw her.

5) Erin S.--Transvestites unite! Like I said last week, she seems nice as hell--ain't that a bitch?

6) Amanda--Madam Hiccup tells us she calls her stress hiccups "The Meeps" then promptly "meeps" the second he calls her name. Hard to imagine waking up next to that every morning. Besides, where was her story this week?

7) Kelly--Chain-smoking drunks unite!

8) Amy--Who? Is there an Amy on this show? Where the hell did she come from?

9) Kristine--Who? Why do they insist on keeping so many girls when we don't even get to see them?

10) Marshana--The Forehead advances. Race relations throughout the world are healed.

11) Noelle--I liked her on night one but we barely saw her.

Enter wingman: "Matt, ladies, there is only one rose left. Erin, Carri--put down that beer can! And Michelle, as soon as he reads this next name off, hug everyone and get the hell out. Matt, whenever you're ready, give Shayne that rose.

12) Shayne--Naturally. She's in for the long haul whether anybody likes it or not and most probably won't.

Begora! Michelle has a mini-meltdown and seems to have a sick relationship with her cat. Argh!

Next week: Hell, Shayne does something. What else?

Bachelor Recap--3/18--The Redcoats are coming...and they want our women.

Ah, Bachelor cheese--how I love thee. Let me count the ways. Velveeta and tea--English tea that is. The last time it was Texas tea and we all know how Jed Clampett's season turned out, don't we? This time a British wanker by the name of Matt Grant is coming to America to try and molest some desperate women who think he's the catch of a lifetime.

True, the guy is tall. The same height as your fearless pirate is, but I don't have the killer accent or the dreamy-boy face which is why this character is talking with the weakest of wingmen in Malibu instead of me. Harrison meets him in a driving rain and it looks to be about ten below zero as well but the wingman's pipes are in mid-season form as he pummels us with superlative adjectives about the limey.

Speaking of Grant, he comes screaming up to his hen house in somebody else's Maserati. The big rooster crawls out and he and the wingman powwow in the back room. We get to hear for the twelfth time in twelve seasons just how serious the Bachelor is about finding a wife. He does seem to have a decent motivation, I must say. Turns out his dad is late in life and recently suffered a stroke and Grant says, "I'd be devastated if my dad never got to know my children...my family." Hmm, maybe unlike the last eleven guys the twenty-seven year-old Grant will actually be married before his thirty-fifth birthday...but I doubt it.

Anyway, its girl reveal time and the wingman dumps Grant on the stoop as the limos roll up. Several made a strong initial impression:

1. Amanda R. Very nice looking girl here. Tall, leggy brunette listed as an Account Executive. Seems nice too. Turns out later she's got some funky hiccup problem. Cute or annoying I'm not sure yet.

2. Chelsea--Girls like this drive me nuts. I can never quite figure out if women likes this are mannish or hot. (Maybe I've been on the pirate ship too long.) She does arm wrestle Grant later in the evening. Grant laughs it off saying, "I could have been the worst bachelor ever and slammed her!" But I looked at her back muscles bulging from her evening gown and I was wondering if she was going to break his limey arm off and feed it to him. Scuttlebutt says this gal might be in for the long haul. We'll see.

3. Erin S--Yikes! I'm not confused about this one--this chick is a man! A hot dog vendor indeed. She didn't arm wrestle Grant I noticed. The Producers must have been terrified she'd kill him. Shame too, she seems nice. Ain't that the way it always is?

4. Erin H.--Pretty brunette listed as an "event planner." Just what the hell is that exactly? Sounds like a professional bullshit artist to me. Anyway, Grant says he digs her and then makes her stew. She gets the last rose.

5. Robin--Katie Couric lite--when she was still perky instead of serious. Hmm, we'll see.

6. Rebecca--Double yikes! A thirty year-old lawyer they say. Looks like a typo. I think the "3" was supposed to be a "5". I've seen younger women in an old folks home.

7. Marshana--This seasons token black girl arrives in a dress that looks like she stole it from a drapery rod. Yuck. Despite the hideous ensemble she came across as classy and surprise, surprise, she actually makes it through. The black chick actually advanced. Imagine that? However, I did see the season previews and she did go all 'street sister' on another girl--and I think it was Chelsea, too! Gulp! So much for Marshana's I.Q. Gurl, Chelsea could break your bony ass in half with one mannish hand.

8. Stacey--The nights designated drunken-hobag. Slurs, puts panties in Grant's pocket, and passes out face down on a bed. Nothing like putting America's best foot forward.
9. Noelle--Pretty, classy and was shown relating a personal anecdote. Must mean she's around a while.
10. Michelle--The most striking thing about her was the contrast between her Red hair and creamy, white skin. I kept waiting for the leprechaun to come dancing out and start passing out the Lucky Charms. Later at the party she played the clarinet--very well, I might add but while an American might be impressed with an Irish lass would a Brit? He didn't need to come to Malibu to meet a white-skinned redhead.
11. Shayne--Word leaked out some time ago that the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas had lost her marbles and agreed to appear on the Bachelor. She arrives and is definitely a knockout but almost immediately began name-dropping, and though the editing tried to hide it, she got as drunk as a skunk too.
12. A whole passel-load of cookie cutter blonds. Don't ask. I couldn't tell one from another but one of them practically ate an aluminum can. Argh! Oh yeah, and one looked like Goldie Hawn but I'll be damned if I can remember which until I look in my notes.

With all the women herded into the hen house, the big rooster is kicked inside by the wingman with that shit-eating grin he's always wearing. Grant toasts and gets the night started. Grandma Rebecca starts booty popping saying "I wanted to get it started so I busted some moves!" I was relieved she didn't bust a hip.

But before you could blink the wingman, like some fruity Hermes, comes floating into the room and lays the First Impression Curs...I mean Rose on the table. The women eye it with watering mouths and Grant doesn't hesitate long. Amanda R., displaying hiccups like Lindsay Lohan at a Budweiser taste testing, huddles in the corner as Grant swoops down with the flower. We didn't actually see him talk to her much but the guy clearly has the hots for madam hiccup. This is the first time I can remember the first impression flower going to a girl who wasn't an A-hole too. Also a first, the other girls aren't seen hating all over her. Change of the luck of the F.I.R? Wire to wire winner? I doubt it but you never know.

Grant strolls about the room and I'll say this much for the guy. After all the robot Bachelors this guy actually has a sense of humor. He's funny. Good for him. He might be a world-class douche but at least he's funny. Credit where its due.

Other than some freaky singing and other humiliating antics designed to 'make an impression' the producers love to foist on the women, the balance of the night is spent watching women 'steal' Grant from each other and we get both barrels of drunken Stacey, who makes a supreme ass of herself.

Then a shape appears out of the rainy night and for a minute I think Michelle's leprechaun has finally arrived but it's just the wingman busting up the festivities. Grant makes some comments to his assembled harem before he goes to 'deliberate' and there's also no denying he's more eloquent than the last ten Bachelor's combined.

Rose Ceremony:
There are few to zero surprises (if you don't count the fact the black chick got picked.) And since even the wingman admits that they manipulate the order in which the flowers are handed out, you can tell nothing but who survives.
In order they were shown:
1. Amanda R.--F.I.R. Madam Hiccup.
2. Chelsea--He owes her a rematch.
3. Shayne--Are you even a little surprised?
4. Michelle P.-Begora!
5. Marshana--Token! Token!
6. Ashlee--She played a guitar and sang. She's also everywhere in the previews. Must stay a while.
7. Noelle--Zero surprise here.
8. Erin S.--Just say 'Sir'!
9. Amy--Who?
10--Carri--She ate the beer can. I'll call her "Bluto".
11. Kristine-- Blond.
12. Robin--Katie Couric.
13. Kelly--Blond.
14. Holly--Goldie Hawn!
15. Erin H.--Looked ready throw a fit until he called her last.

Well after a long winters nap, your favorite pirate is back on the job. See ya next time!