Ah, Bachelor cheese--how I love thee. Let me count the ways. Velveeta and tea--English tea that is. The last time it was Texas tea and we all know how Jed Clampett's season turned out, don't we? This time a British wanker by the name of Matt Grant is coming to America to try and molest some desperate women who think he's the catch of a lifetime.
True, the guy is tall. The same height as your fearless pirate is, but I don't have the killer accent or the dreamy-boy face which is why this character is talking with the weakest of wingmen in Malibu instead of me. Harrison meets him in a driving rain and it looks to be about ten below zero as well but the wingman's pipes are in mid-season form as he pummels us with superlative adjectives about the limey.
Speaking of Grant, he comes screaming up to his hen house in somebody else's Maserati. The big rooster crawls out and he and the wingman powwow in the back room. We get to hear for the twelfth time in twelve seasons just how serious the Bachelor is about finding a wife. He does seem to have a decent motivation, I must say. Turns out his dad is late in life and recently suffered a stroke and Grant says, "I'd be devastated if my dad never got to know my children...my family." Hmm, maybe unlike the last eleven guys the twenty-seven year-old Grant will actually be married before his thirty-fifth birthday...but I doubt it.
Anyway, its girl reveal time and the wingman dumps Grant on the stoop as the limos roll up. Several made a strong initial impression:
1. Amanda R. Very nice looking girl here. Tall, leggy brunette listed as an Account Executive. Seems nice too. Turns out later she's got some funky hiccup problem. Cute or annoying I'm not sure yet.
2. Chelsea--Girls like this drive me nuts. I can never quite figure out if women likes this are mannish or hot. (Maybe I've been on the pirate ship too long.) She does arm wrestle Grant later in the evening. Grant laughs it off saying, "I could have been the worst bachelor ever and slammed her!" But I looked at her back muscles bulging from her evening gown and I was wondering if she was going to break his limey arm off and feed it to him. Scuttlebutt says this gal might be in for the long haul. We'll see.
3. Erin S--Yikes! I'm not confused about this one--this chick is a man! A hot dog vendor indeed. She didn't arm wrestle Grant I noticed. The Producers must have been terrified she'd kill him. Shame too, she seems nice. Ain't that the way it always is?
4. Erin H.--Pretty brunette listed as an "event planner." Just what the hell is that exactly? Sounds like a professional bullshit artist to me. Anyway, Grant says he digs her and then makes her stew. She gets the last rose.
5. Robin--Katie Couric lite--when she was still perky instead of serious. Hmm, we'll see.
6. Rebecca--Double yikes! A thirty year-old lawyer they say. Looks like a typo. I think the "3" was supposed to be a "5". I've seen younger women in an old folks home.
7. Marshana--This seasons token black girl arrives in a dress that looks like she stole it from a drapery rod. Yuck. Despite the hideous ensemble she came across as classy and surprise, surprise, she actually makes it through. The black chick actually advanced. Imagine that? However, I did see the season previews and she did go all 'street sister' on another girl--and I think it was Chelsea, too! Gulp! So much for Marshana's I.Q. Gurl, Chelsea could break your bony ass in half with one mannish hand.
8. Stacey--The nights designated drunken-hobag. Slurs, puts panties in Grant's pocket, and passes out face down on a bed. Nothing like putting America's best foot forward.
9. Noelle--Pretty, classy and was shown relating a personal anecdote. Must mean she's around a while.
10. Michelle--The most striking thing about her was the contrast between her Red hair and creamy, white skin. I kept waiting for the leprechaun to come dancing out and start passing out the Lucky Charms. Later at the party she played the clarinet--very well, I might add but while an American might be impressed with an Irish lass would a Brit? He didn't need to come to Malibu to meet a white-skinned redhead.
11. Shayne--Word leaked out some time ago that the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas had lost her marbles and agreed to appear on the Bachelor. She arrives and is definitely a knockout but almost immediately began name-dropping, and though the editing tried to hide it, she got as drunk as a skunk too.
12. A whole passel-load of cookie cutter blonds. Don't ask. I couldn't tell one from another but one of them practically ate an aluminum can. Argh! Oh yeah, and one looked like Goldie Hawn but I'll be damned if I can remember which until I look in my notes.
With all the women herded into the hen house, the big rooster is kicked inside by the wingman with that shit-eating grin he's always wearing. Grant toasts and gets the night started. Grandma Rebecca starts booty popping saying "I wanted to get it started so I busted some moves!" I was relieved she didn't bust a hip.
But before you could blink the wingman, like some fruity Hermes, comes floating into the room and lays the First Impression Curs...I mean Rose on the table. The women eye it with watering mouths and Grant doesn't hesitate long. Amanda R., displaying hiccups like Lindsay Lohan at a Budweiser taste testing, huddles in the corner as Grant swoops down with the flower. We didn't actually see him talk to her much but the guy clearly has the hots for madam hiccup. This is the first time I can remember the first impression flower going to a girl who wasn't an A-hole too. Also a first, the other girls aren't seen hating all over her. Change of the luck of the F.I.R? Wire to wire winner? I doubt it but you never know.
Grant strolls about the room and I'll say this much for the guy. After all the robot Bachelors this guy actually has a sense of humor. He's funny. Good for him. He might be a world-class douche but at least he's funny. Credit where its due.
Other than some freaky singing and other humiliating antics designed to 'make an impression' the producers love to foist on the women, the balance of the night is spent watching women 'steal' Grant from each other and we get both barrels of drunken Stacey, who makes a supreme ass of herself.
Then a shape appears out of the rainy night and for a minute I think Michelle's leprechaun has finally arrived but it's just the wingman busting up the festivities. Grant makes some comments to his assembled harem before he goes to 'deliberate' and there's also no denying he's more eloquent than the last ten Bachelor's combined.
There are few to zero surprises (if you don't count the fact the black chick got picked.) And since even the wingman admits that they manipulate the order in which the flowers are handed out, you can tell nothing but who survives.
In order they were shown:
1. Amanda R.--F.I.R. Madam Hiccup.
2. Chelsea--He owes her a rematch.
3. Shayne--Are you even a little surprised?
4. Michelle P.-Begora!
5. Marshana--Token! Token!
6. Ashlee--She played a guitar and sang. She's also everywhere in the previews. Must stay a while.
7. Noelle--Zero surprise here.
8. Erin S.--Just say 'Sir'!
10--Carri--She ate the beer can. I'll call her "Bluto".
11. Kristine-- Blond.
12. Robin--Katie Couric.
14. Holly--Goldie Hawn!
15. Erin H.--Looked ready throw a fit until he called her last.
Well after a long winters nap, your favorite pirate is back on the job. See ya next time!
3 months ago