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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

6-28--The Turkey in Turkey


All Torn Up?

Wrassler and Atomic Douche Rocket, Justin "Rated-R" Rego and his girlfriend # 1 (Or is it 2?), Jessica...er, Somebody, seem to have overcome his (Their?) skeeziness and his cheating as they make-out in a Toronto street last week. (Thanks to Life & Style Magazine, whom I stole this from.)

This show needs to drop the pretense. I thought it was supposed to be about love. What love? The love a harem full of insane bimbos have for a Canadian Wrassler Zero; or the love it's Star has for the creepiest, goofiest loser in the history of the show? This is like watching an enormous train wreck in super slow-mo. The producers didn't even bother trying to hide it either. What was with those previews? Why not just tell us what happens? I think one can safely conclude the magnitude of the coming train wreck by the fact that they aren't hiding anything. They've stopped even trying to sell love or even the mystery--they are actually selling the train wreck! And what a collision this promises to be. They only saving grace is that they are going to stage the bloodbath in some wonderful-looking locales. It's starting to look like National Geographic Explorer: Bimbo Edition.

Inspector Wingman

Speaking of bimbos, all-around male-bimbo and general troublemaker, Chris "Wingman" Harrison, gets the trouble started early this week. We've barely finished seeing the aerial views of the ancient city of Istanbul when the wingman barges into Ali's suite with a sour look on his mug. He tells Ali that he has some information and has personally checked it out. "It's legit." Uh-huh. Ol Harrison burning up the transatlantic wires to nail down the story. Anyway, he lets Ali know that she needs to call her old bunkmate from Jake's Bachelor, Jessie Sulidis--a girl who was so silent on that season I dubbed her Jessie Who? Ali stares blankly at him a moment and is clearly thinking "Jessie Who?" but the winger clarifies and she fakes remembering anyway. Seems Jessie has gotten hold of some info Ali needs to know. Harrison places the call and Ali greets Jessie with that over the top cheerfulness you use when you don't remember who the hell you're talking to. Jessie then launches the scandal bomb of the week and lets her know one of her douches has a girlfriend back home. Ali looks less than crushed when she finds out it's Wrassler Rego, a guy she clearly could give a rat's ass about, but the actual girlfriend is then put on the phone and rats the Wrassler out. Shockingly, she admits the Wrassler is only on the show to get into show business and promote his sorry Wrasslin career. She also tells Ali that her and Justin have dated for nearly two years and he has called her numerous times during the show to assure he loves her, and oh, by the way, he has another girlfriend besides her. This is why they call it Reality TV, because if you wrote an episodic show with all this cheesy bullshit, you'd be laughed out of Hollywood. Ali thanks the wronged brunette and proceeds to go scalp hunting.

The Ambush at the Istanbul Corral

To the practiced eye, its not too hard to tell when they're acting and when they're not. This time, they wasn't acting. Ali storms down to the boys' suite with Harrison in tow and confronts the Wrassler-douche right in front of his buddies. "You must really miss talking with your girlfriend back in Canada, Justin." He starts shaking his head and she immediately follows up, "She just called me!" The Wrassler folds up like a cheap card table. He immediately gets to his feet, gathers his things and refuses to say anything else until he's nearly out the door and Harrison shouts, "Aren't you going to talk with her?" The Wrassler shouts back, "Fuck you, straight up!" and leaves. So busted. Ali and the camera team spend the next few minutes chasing him around the hotel and outside trying to get him to talk. At one point, she puts her hand in front of him to stop his march and he warns, "Don't touch me!" I was truly hoping that Harrison would call the famous Bachelor Stagehand Palooka out to beat his sorry ass, but they don't. He hobbles all over the hotel grounds trying to hide from the camera while the boys upstairs watch him through the window and laugh. All except Frankfurter--hmm. Anyway, as we go to commercial we see the Wrassler escape the grounds with his passport and bags. But when we return from commercial we see that Harrison has called someone much scarier than the Stagehand Palooka, he's called the Lawyer Superhero: GoldMan! As we come back, Ali and the Wingman are seated on a garden wall by the hotel, the camera crews and sound teams all in place and here, his tail so far between his legs it might have been up his ass, comes the Wrassler. We never got to the see GoldMan at work, but I'm certain some combination of the words: "Ass", "Yours", "Will", "We", "Sue" got used. Regardless, it's effective because his body language tells you that the Wrassler would rather be interviewing with Satan to be Hell's new doorman than sitting there being cross examined by Ali, but there he sits. For pure spite, she drills him with questions too. Weak lies are his only defense and he finally just gets up and wanders away. Woman scorned Jessica also helpfully supplied producers with phone messages Justin sent her and they play them complete with subtitles as he wanders around aimlessly. GoldMan's work done, there is no longer any barking to get the camera out of his face either. But just in case anyone thought this incident wrecked Wrassler's life or even properly shamed him, please look at the picture at the head of this column. Some things about women passeth all male understanding.

Tennessee Ty's Feminist Awakening

Despite the destruction of the Wrassler, the show must go on! So, the 1st one-on-one date of the week is awarded to Tennessee Ty. Ali meets him downtown and they wander around Istanbul taking in the historic sites. If ever you wondered where Turkey comes in on the progressive and liberal scale of Islamic Countries, the fact that a woman was allowed into a Turkish Bath should have put that to rest for you. Ali even mentions it as her and Ty enter the centuries-old structure. Turkey made an exception for this show?! Somewhere Kemal Ataturk is rolling over in his grave. Anyway, to demonstrate cultural sensitivity to a society with more conservative values, she leads Ty inside the bath where they dress in picnic-table cloths, oil each other up, and make-out. Screw you, Ataturk! This leads to a dinner date on the water where Ty lets Ali know that his first marriage was doomed because he didn't much care for his wife leaving the house to work.(Ignore the interviews his ex is doing where she hints at his infidelity also being somewhat of a problem too.) Super-career-girl Ali turns her nose up but then Ty lets her know that he's seen the light and become a bra-burning feminist. The Tennessee legislature orders him to move his ass to Alabama and Ali gives him a rose.


I Thought We Got Rid of the Oily Wrassler?


While Ty was letting Ali know that Hillary Clinton is his new hero, the Group Date Card has arrived back at the hotel. Sleazy lawyer, Palooka Craig reads off the names of Groucho Roberto, Normal-Guy Chris, Captain Kirk, and his own damn self. That means--inexplicably--that Frankfurter, the Human Cartoon is being given another 1-on-1 date. Is this some kind of joke? Nevermind. This means that Palooka Craig is the only dude remaining without a one-on-one and he's now been lapped by the Frankfurter. Instead of doing what any normal guy would do--give up and have a beer--Palooka vows to fight even harder for Special Quality Time with Ali. He's been looking much more sober since the show took to the road; maybe its time to go back to drinking Craig. The boys head out and meet Ali at some old castle where some dumpy, but well-oiled Turkish dudes come in wearing leather drawers and some business-like scowls. She tells her Nerd Posse to man-up, cause these dudes are Olive Oil Wrasslers--sorry, wrestlers. Now your Old Corsair here is all for cultural open mindedness but an Olive Oil Wrestler? Are you shitting me? Anyway, the Posse is told they have to wrestle these guys. Unsurprisingly, the Turks kick their asses. Should have tried the Canola Oil Wrestlers first, I suppose. Like it matters. The whole stunt is a set-up to get the boys to fight for time with Ali anyway. Captain Kirk hops out and is promptly pinned by Groucho Roberto while unathletic marshmallow body, Palooka Craig scores a shocking upset of Normal-Guy Chris. This sets up the final and the desperate Craig is shown being tossed around like a sack of grain by former-ballplayer, Roberto. Roberto then moves in for the kill and while trying to break Craig's greased-up neck, he trips and Craig lands on him. Tweeeeeet! Craig is pronounced the winner. Ok. Anyway, Ali takes him on a ferry ride across the Bosporus Strait between Asia and Europe for Special Quality Time that looked more like a full-fledged date that was neither Special nor Quality. The Palooka makes her laugh and whistles past the graveyard, but he is surely doomed.

Frankfurter's Magic Carpet Ride

Wow, and I thought that Jessica girl was stupid. At least the Wrassler is good looking, which is more than we can say for semi-employed, parents-basement-dwelling-geek, Frankfurter and his dorky glasses. Frank hauls Ali out into the streets of Istanbul wearing what appears to be last Members Only jacket in existence while a Private Interview lets us know that he thinks their feelings are dying. They go to a spice bazaar where Frank puts on a silver turban and manages to look even more like the Great Gazoo than he already does, and Ali shatters what's left of Turkish societal norms by running around in a belly dancing costume. Then they have a sit-down with some pushy rug merchant so all of dumb America can see that 'them A-rabs like to haggle', just like we always heard they did...even though they're Turks not Arabs. Turks, Arabs; same difference. Thankfully no one tried to sell Frank a Magic Lamp, but Fleiss buys them the Magic Carpet anyway so we can see that Disney has been right all along. The only thing missing was Robin Williams running through the scene doing his Genie Routine. The shopping over, Ali takes him for dinner in a cistern. Really? What's the matter, was the sewer already booked? Weird. They sit down atop the water and have a meal. Foreshadowing is the whole point as they play back and forth about their feelings and Frank blows hot and cold like a furnace and a freezer. One minute he whines about "Being out of touch with his feelings", and the same guy who declared their feelings dying at the beginning of the date states forcefully, "I'm falling for Ali hard", by the end. This is gonna be fun. Date over.

Quick Cocktail

Since the producers know they have gobs of great footage of the Wrassler controversy to work in this week, Ali declares that she needs no further alcohol to make her decision of whom to pole-axe. The boys wait downstairs, nervously bonding like bromances are in bloom, until the wingman comes down and tells them Ali is ready to axe one of them. He lines them all up and here we go:

Already Safe: Screeching feminist, Tennessee Ty and too absurd to be believed, front runner, Frankfurter the Human Cartoon.

Roses:
1) Groucho Roberto-just coasting
2) Normal-guy Chris--ditto
3) Captain Kirk-kept for ballast

Cut: Palooka Craig. The free ride around the world is over. He claims to be 'shocked', but I think he won a few fans tonight. Never hurts; it won't be long before the "Next Bachelor" contest gets underway. Not that he's got a chance, but hey.

Previews: I promised no spoilers here on the Blast and it's impossible to even discuss the previews without spoiling everything.

Next Week: The Turkey Train Wreck goes to Lisbon, Portugal and since its a controversy-free week, Jake and Vienna will be around to throw things at each other. Lovely. See ya then.

3 comments:

Sue said...

Ahoy Captain,

So I said to myself this year was going to be different; I’m NOT going to get too invested, etc… Of course it helps that I don’t really like Ali, but never mind. In any case, as a result, I purposely haven’t read the spoilers this year… but based on the previews I’m going to venture a guess that Frankfurter is going to break Ali’s heart… am I close?

There were an awful lot of rings before phone-a-friend Jesse picked up… what could she have possibly been doing on this silly edited show that it took so long to answer?

Justin limping over and around the hotel’s landscaping, attempting to outmaneuver the camera crew was hilarious.

Ty is way too conservative for Ali… and I thought he was a goner, but he is a good kisser… and I think that’s what saved him. One question though, don’t they stone you for public displays of affection, i.e., kissing and couples dancing in the public square in Islamic countries? In that dance sequence, I was watching the men watching them dance with a wee sense of fear and foreboding…

OMG the group date was too funny. I actually slow-mo’d the scene with Ali pouring oil over Chris… his face was truly priceless. I recommend a rewind! Also, Chris’ witty and snarky comments win the day again. “I’ve only used olive oil to grill asparagus” was really funny.

Poor Palooka. I actually thought he had the makings of a real person… then he gets his one on one time with Ali… and poof, it’s like he was sprinkled with fairy dust because he turns into a loon… taking about how she’s the greatest, not like other girls, etc… Didn’t he notice the vacant look in her eyes when he was speaking?

Frank and the rug purchase – the set up sooooo obvious (and as you point out, so blatantly prejudicial) that it was NOT funny. Agree, the dinner lagoon did look awful, like sewer water… what’s sexy about that?

Totally agree with your comment about the producers and this season: “…they aren't hiding anything. They've stopped even trying to sell love or even the mystery--they are actually selling the train wreck! – makes it all the more enjoyable and at least it feels honest.”

Cheers till next week….

Your fan, Sue

Alisa said...

my husband and i had a good laugh when chris announced that he 'came over AS SOON as he got the news' uh....and arranged for the other girlfriend to go shack up with someone from last year and sit by the phone waiting for the wingman's call. a lot of planning went into that whole thing unless these girls are magically neighbors. it seemed very orchestrated by the girlfriend, the wrassler and the producers. i wouldn't be surprised if it was preplanned, her calling in the drama to get him out of there at a predetermined time. fleiss would have been all about it! this show is turning into such a (predictable) trainwreck circus...i try to avert my eyes but...just...have...to...look

favorite barbarossa phrase of the week: atomic douche rocket

AbbyRose said...

It appears that if the producers were allowed to focus 2 hours on Justin Rated R, they would have. But then again they had to show us Hot & Cold Frank. Poor Craig ~ he needs to pick up the book "She's just not that into you."

Yes, lots of non-controversy on next weeks he-she showdown between Vienna and Jake. The producers were idiots for making Jake their Bach-man. I wonder if they will continue with their idiot Bachelor choices?

Another fun read ~ thank you!