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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

8/2--Bachelorete Finale--Operation: Screw Reality Steve and Family Emergency


Due to a family emergency, there will be only a short Blast for this finale. But we hardly need one. There will be plenty of time in the near future for snark about this show and definitely about that cesspool known as Bachelor Pad.

Just a few things to tidy up:
Screw Reality Steve!

Proof, if ever it was required, that Bachelor producer/sleazebucket, Mike Fleiss, has totally lost his mind. His show--once near death--has roared back to be a jewel in ABC's crown and he is obsessed with playing minds with an Internet blogger. Mr. Fleiss, your rubber room is ready. Reality Steve is a major reason this show has risen from the ratings dead, and Fleiss is now being as paranoid as J. Edgar Hoover about fooling, tricking, and punishing an internet blogger for spilling about his tacky show. Mr. Fleiss, when you finish cashing that latest check, go check yourself in...and take the wingman with you. You're both nuts.

The Silence of the Lambton


Yes, spoilers did say that Normal-Guy Chris would be let go early and never make it to the Final Rose Ceremony, and those were right. He went down hard, but with class as Ali came to him for their Last Chance Date and ditched him early. Women swooned. When this guy is announced as the next Bachelor, Fleiss and his casting cretins are going to be overwhelmed with applications from women willing to have his babies. It's all roses for this franchise.

Nixon is Fleiss' Newest Chief of Security

Wow. What lengths they must have gone to to hide this outcome. They closed the set of After the Final Rose for only the second time, Groucho Roberto and to a large extent, Chris Lambton disappeared off the radars. Ali was nothing short of masterful in her interviews about never lying, but leaving all options on the table. Gone are the days when the primary used to finish filming and then shout at the rooftops, "I'm in love! I'm engaged." Now, its all cat and mouse. The promos and interviews Harrison and Fleiss gave all hinted at a funereal dirge--a walk off by Ali. It's obvious that Fleiss has hired the reanimated corpse of former president Richard M. Nixon to run his security details. So, if in the future I refer simply to "Tricky Dick", you'll know of whom I speak. Tricky and his new plumbers battalion are out after leaks, but didn't quite succeed. Reality Steve finally managed to publish the truth the day of the finale (not that it mattered). I guess this is the template we can expect from now on.

A Beautiful, Sweaty Finale...and what was with that collar?

Ok, would have been prettier had they not made Roberto dress in a skin tight suit, take a humid boat ride and then walk a half a mile up some stairs to get to his bride-probably-ain't-gonna'-be. Since Ai said yes, its a good sign for the future though. That day, that humidity, and that suit would have melted any deodorant on planet earth. Roberto must have smelled like a pole cat. But she accepted anyway; good sign. But what I can't let go has nothing to do with humidity or long stair walks--what was with that shirt collar? Did Roberto buy it at an antique store? Nobody has worn a pointed shirt collar like that since Grover Cleveland was president--and that was long before he got exposed to the heat and humidity. It was a fitting swansong for the Funny One, who looked like something out of Young Frankenstein.

Note to Fleiss: Test some of the humidity levels at your Final Rose Ceremony Locations before you book them. Not every tropical location has sky high humidity. It's not very romantic when Prince Charming looks ready to drop dead from dehydration and heat stress. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. You won't be able to look into this until your treatment is completed and your meds are stabilized. Forget I said anything.

Another season in the books. If Bachelor Pad turns out to be palatable, or really shitty, I'll try and be around to Blast it. If not, I'd be so bold as to predict we will be seeing the Lambton on our TV screens come October, and I will definitely see ya than.