5/30--Dates as Pointless as a Broken Pencil

About as "Stealth" as a Barn

Phantom of the Opera wanna-be, Jeff, the Masked D-bag, makes his corny move.

Nothing like killing a few hours on a Monday night. This was like a water-treading tournament. Week 2 of Ashley Hebert's quest to pay off her Dental School loans revealed nothing except for the fact that she has lousy taste in men and one helluva body. I supposed that will have to do. Even when we got to see a date, the producer's squandered as much time as possible just to ensure we have no earthly idea whether Ashley is even remotely compatible with any of these men or even interested in them. And I thought Angry Birds was a colossal waste of time.

Vega$ Vega$ Vegas$

As soon as the preview ends, Chris "Wingman" Harrison enters the mansion looking casual in a navy-blue button-up and jeans, and rounds the boyos up for a preview of the date rules in the 1 in a million chance that a new viewer is actually tuning in. Harrison warns the oddballs to be extra competitive, since some will get stiffed on dates most weeks. He drops the first date card and departs. Eraser Head Ames, the Ivy League finance 'droid, steps up and reads off the name of Cheesemachine avatar, Will, the Comedian. Ashley invites him to make a "splash" with her. Meanwhile, Ashley has departed her own digs and is on her way over in what looks suspiciously like a stolen Aston-Martin. She drives up to the mansion and crashes in wearing about a kleenex worth of material on her wonderful little bod and picks Will up for a trip to Vegas. Since driving stolen Aston-Martin's isn't exciting enough for this show, she drives Will to an airport and whisks him away to Sin City in a private jet. A quickly inserted Private Interview lets Jeff, the masked D-bag show us he is still masked and still an assclown by declaring himself to be "stealth." Jesus, has this show stooped to stealing lines from Survivor now? Whatever.

Pointless Endeavor, Take 1

Ashley gets Mr. Funny Stuff to Vegas and they proceed to engage in what may have been the dumbest date on this show since Jillian played hide-and-seek with her suitors: they eat wedding cake, shop for a wedding ring, and then stage a ludicrous fake wedding. Reason for this total waste of time? Jillian, er I mean Ashley says its because she's worried the guys are not really there for her and are really not ready to get married. Well that will damn sure show them who's boss. Any joker unwilling to be dragged into marrying a hyperactive little dentist on the 1st date is an obvious commitment phobe. Will tries to act like he is sweating the whole time, and I do mean tries. Stupid, even by this show's non-existent standards. Once they're done wasting the better part of the afternoon learning nothing about one another, darkness mercifully falls. And when it does I get all nostalgic since Ashley appears dressed in one of my mother's draperies from 1972. A green sateen nightmare last seen when Linda Ronstadt ruled the Top 40. Fortunately for me (and the 5 other men in the viewing audience) its cut so high we can see Ashley's ovaries. Small blessings. Will collects her and she leads him out to a man-made pond around the Bellagio for the least private date you could imagine. What happens here I assume always happens: a crowd of onlookers gather around to yell at the Bachelor/ette and shout encouragement. But for some odd reason, Fleiss has decided to show us this. Same thing when their jet landed in Vegas. People flocked around Ashley and got their pics taken with her. Odd. Anyway, with only a few thousand onlookers hanging over the railing of the pond and shouting at them, Will rows her out to a little perch in the water and they have dinner. Will confides to her, in between shouts from fans, that he wants to be a stand-up comedian. Damn; doesn't anyone just want to be a cell phone salesman anymore? Anyway, right on cue, Will breaks into a serious face and confides to Ashley about his dead dad. Turns out his dad was a major alky and was beaten up by the side of a road and left for dead. Ashley chimes in about her own alcoholic pappy and a connection is established. Truthfully, I had forgotten her dad-tale from last season since she was never shown mentioning it to Brad. Whoa. Thinking back to what a lush she was last season gave me the shivers. Cool it on the sauce, dear. Anyway, they make out and the fountains in the fake lake explode to the cheers of their voyeur audience. Ashley hands him the flower. Date over.

Pointless Endeavor, Part 2

Saving a few bucks by not flying Ashley back to L.A., a group date card arrives back at the mansion and it turns out 12 of the remaining stud farm are off to Vegas to meet Ashley there. Leaving behind a player or two, as well as the masked idiot, the other 12 head to the airport to meet Ashley. She is waiting for them dressed like Ellie May Clampett gone street walker. The boys roll up in a stretch limo and Ashley guides them into a theatre where the dance group Jabawockeez is rehearsing. What's a Jabawockeez? Wasn't that the fat slugs and hairy giants in Star Wars? Maybe that was Jabba the Wookie. Regardless, it looked like a bunch of hooligan mimes dancing around to electro-pop music. Ashley ditches the boys and the Ellie May outfit so she can surprise them by emerging up onto the stage and...and, nothing. Very impressive. The head hooligan-mime lets the fellas know that they will get a chance to be French embarrassments in their own right and dance with the Jabbers, but only half of them will make the cut. The losers will be shipped back to the rustic surroundings of the Bachelor Mansion to drink themselves insensible and cool their heels while the winners get to hang around with Ashley at the hotel and not enjoy Vegas.

They split into two teams and label themselves perpetual groomsmen "The Best Men" and the aptly titled "No Rhythm Nation." Practice sessions start and the Men decide to do some version of a Rose Ceremony wedding and No Rhythm Nation does something involving mime masks and dancing like white boys. They all dance about as well as you expect a bunch of bond lawyers, cell phone salesman, and financial analysts are known for. No Rhythm is declared the winner by the hooligan-mime and are given the opportunity to hide in the background during the night's performance. Ashley, who can actually dance, is filmed separately before the real crowd comes in as to not rook the paying audience. This leaves, Adam West, Vino Ben, Lucas the Enigma, Blake the Smarmy Dentist, Nick and his Horrid Hair Highlights, and Ta Da!--Big Head Bentley behind to party with Ashley. She casts a longing glance at the two or three from the other team that she actually wanted to speak with as they are unceremoniously packed back off to the mansion.

We've scarcely arrived at the party destination outside the Bellagio when Adam West moves in for the capture. West guides Ashley aside, skips any preamble and whips out the big guns of depression and chronicles the tragic demise of his wife. While he is describing his own personal agony, the sadistic producers insert Private Interviews of Big Head Bentley, shooting his mouth off like a rude cannon. Bentley is seen (and heard) gleefully admitting that he likes to swim in his own piss or something like that. Nah, I'm just wishing. What Sphincter-Head Bentley describes is how he'd rather swim in his own yellow river than face planning a wedding with Ashley. Jeez. Now, I've watched too many seasons of this trash to believe everything I'm shown, but this sure looked real. The only question we are left with before Bentley exits the show on his own next week, is: Is this guy really this cavernous an asshole? It might all be slice and dice magic, but it hardly matters. The guy is a douche. The real question is only just how big a one is he? Somewhere is a seedy dive in Texas, Greaseball Wes Hayden turned and high-fived some drunken patron when he saw this. The skeezer-crown has been passed. Just to rub in the horror, Bentley is seen playing coy with Ashley and like a clueless babe with half her actual I.Q., Ashley practically begs said douche grenade to hang around. Then she awards him the rose for being such a wad. West, who related the tale of losing his wife, looks on in confusion. America joins him. Date over.

I'll Bet Ya a Flip of This Coin That We'll Be Bored By This Next Pointless Date

While Big Head was working to see that he will be banned by the State of Utah and never be allowed back, another date card has arrived back at the Mansion. Two of the remaining dudes, Creepy Mickey Finn and J.P. the Skinhead hear their names called. But alas, we have a pointless twist. Seems a coin flip will be used to determine who gets to go to Vegas and be boring. Mickey wins the flip, and J.P. is shut out. Mickey heads to Vegas where Ashley, insisting she doesn't know who's coming, awaits him at the airport. Mickey emerges and Ashley deflates like an old tire. "Ohhhhhhh, Mickey?" Uh-huh. Why did I get the overwhelming feeling that she was told a two-headed coin was going to be used? Mickey takes it in stride and off they go. Truthfully, Mickey came across as much less creepy this week. Mrs. Barbarossa insists he's very good looking too. But that's just tough shit, isn't it? If the Wench Queen wants to give her unsolicited opinion about how hot Mickey Finn is, she should start her own damn blog. Although less creepy, I thought the guy was as boring as a bag of concrete mix, so the "Creepy" is over; long live the Mickey Finn! Matters weren't helped by the incessant (and asinine) gimmick of flipping a coin over everything these two were even considering doing. But when they finally stop shticking and sit down to eat, Mickey whips out yet another dead relative tale. This time, its dead mom. (Anybody else get the feeling that this crew was recruited assuming Brad and Emily would have busted up before filming started instead of a week after it had begun?) In the end, Ashley acts like she's going to let a coin flip decide the rose question. Mickey, dull as dirt he may be, looked ready to tell her to stuff the rose, thorns first. Arghh! But he finally gives in and she flips. He gets the rose and she tells him he was going to get it anyway. They then walk on a fake beach and some chick I don't recognize comes out and sings to them. They make out a lot. Date over.

Thanks Fleiss; I always Wanted to Know What the Phantom of the Opera Looks Like on the Can

Finally its back to the mansion for some creepy organ music and scenes of Jeff, the masked D-bag, hovering over the proceedings like a vulture. Ashley comes in looking fab and schmoozes around with the guys who got stiffed. First up, is J.P the Skinhead, who hauls her aside and coin flips her to see if he gets a kiss. He wins and Ashley chalks up another lip lock, and does this one gleefully. Various other dudes get a few minutes to make their pitches. Ben C. takes a break from storing walnuts in his enormous jowls, and takes her aside to brag about his out of control passion again. I think the "C" stands for "chipmunk". Nick and his Horrid Hair Highlights gives some line dancing lessons and appears to be owning the moment until the producer's send in already-rosed Will, the Comedian, for the steal. The others gnash their teeth at the Cheesemachine avatar. At long last, the Masked D-bag takes a break from haunting the rafters and corners Ashley in a creepily lit stairwell to make his pitch. He rolls out his own tale of woe of a brain hemorrhage and divorce at 29. He's just about to remove his mask when the producers decide we need to see one more week of this shit, and send in Matt, the Mamas Boy for the steal. The Phantom mumbles "curses to you!" twirls his mustache and vanishes in a whiff of smoke. When he reappears, he is sitting on the throne pinching a loaf. Thanks for the visual, Fleiss. The episode is rounded off when Ashley pays Big Head a call, and like Casanova the Noggin, Bentley carries her romance style down near a fireplace and kisses her. He's quick to let us know just how boring and horrible the kiss was while Ashley gushes and admits she practically wet herself. I'll bet she's loving this broadcast. The final insult delivered, the wingman enters with glass and cheese knife and calls things off.

Roses:

Already safe: Will, the Comedian, Mickey Finn, and Fat Head Bentley.

1) Adam West: No rose for the lost wife, but one here.

2) Constantine Hercules: Scarcely a word spoken, but he scores easily.

3) Sunny Ryan: This season's Tenley. Dreams in cartoon and shits heart-shaped rainbows, but did both things quietly this episode.

4) Ben Chipmunk--Ok.

5) Nick and his H.H.Highlights.

6) Eraserhead Ames

7) Lucas, the Enigma

8) Jeff, the Masked D-bag. Was there any doubt when the mask stayed on?

9) J.P. the Skinhead--shaping up like a fan favorite

10) Chris--who? Chris Harrison? Who is this guy?

11) Vino Ben--winemaker is one of two narrators to this point. Likable guy.

12) Blake, the smarmy dentist--fill that suit, son.

Cut:

1) Vino Ben's twin, Steven the Hairdresser. Looked almost concerned by the news

2) Ryan M.--No more autographed wingman photos for you.

3) Matt the Mamas Boy--phones mom at 4:30 AM to get an airport pick up and some French Toast. Few women will injure their hands beating down his door.

Next week: Fat Head Bentley dumps Ashley and worries about his incredible hair. See ya then.

5/23--The Sherbert Dentist and 25 Cavities

Ah to be back in my piratical saddle, firing salvos and cutlass whacks at desperate, fame-seeking douche bags; sometimes we just know our rightful place in the world. Life is good. As regular readers of my coarse rants may have noticed, I was forced to abandon the hunt late in Brad Womack's quest to prove to the world that he was actually an arrested teenager with wrinkles. Family illness and business concerns drove me from the con of my beautiful ship and off the internet, but your fair redbeard has returned, as grouchy and curmudgeonly as ever. Its good to see I'm not the only third string, half-assed entertainer abandoning their day job and returning to the Bachelorette this season. Relentlessly perky one-day-soon-I-swear-to-god-dentist, Ashley Hebert has heeded the siren's call of wayfarer of malice, Mike Fleiss, and decided to perform a root canal on the viewing public and get a BIG head start on paying back those dental school loans before she hangs up a shingle. As her graduation approaches, Ashley took a look at her Guaranteed Student Loan bill, gasped, and then accepted Fleiss' offer to fill the shoes of two other gals nearly everyone wanted to see be the Bachelorette instead. That fat check will help alleviate the humiliation, I'm sure. But I'm afraid before she can fully step into the role of America's (and Canada's) new Love Goddess, some rewriting of history will be required. And there's only one man who rewrites history better than Joseph Stalin.

Enter Wingman

Chris "Wingman" Harrison, kicks off his 75th season of hosting the Bachelorette by appearing in front the of the Bachelor Mansion--for the 75th time--and spinning a little magical revision. The winger sets us straight on the past: Ashley got her heart broken by Brad. No, no; you never saw her self-destruct that relationship so she could get the hell out of there. It was insecurities. Yeah, that's it--insecurities. She could never tell Brad that she really, really loved him. Honest to Pete. It wasn't because she saw him drooling all over Emily. Nope. And drunkenness? Nah, she was never drunk much, that was just exhaustion--yeah, exhaustion. Golly gee, America, this little gal has learned from her mistakes. Yep, if she could do it over again, she'd be the first one to soberly declare her undying love for a 38 year-old barkeep with a less than stellar record on relationships who was in love with someone else. Yes, indeed. Oh, and one other thing: she has bangs now, so forget you ever saw that enormous Fivehead of hers. Its all covered up and you can forget it. Since you are all now hypnotized by my Dark Jedi magic, lets see the idiots we conned into coming onto our show and having their reputations ruined and give their former classmates, acquaintances, and family members a chance to sell dirt on them to the tabloids!

A quick preview of the men flashed past me and two things immediately came to mind. First of all, this is a brainier group than I ever remember seeing. Felt a lot like Jillian's season. Second, did anyone else notice how many of these guys looked like the same guy? It was like Fleiss hired six guys and just kept dressing them in different suits. We had the clean cut Ken Dolls, the Long-haired artist/hairdressers, the square-jawed, financial sales types, and a few guys thrown in just for their entertainment value. Once the intros are complete, Ashley arrives at the mansion looking beautiful as expected and Harrison moves to justify his paycheck by coaching her along on her new and improved experience with Brad. Agreeing to admit she was a fool last time (does anyone actually care?) she is welcomed into the fold as the new Star and immediately joins in by spiking the punch about a contestant who is there for "the wrong reasons". That statement is now so universally cliche that she even makes the quotation sign with her hands when she says it. She lets the stunned winger know that a former contestant let her know that this guy is up to no good. The stage set, it's limo time:

1) Ryan P.--relentlessly "sunny" entremanure. Balanced earnest and geek for a while. Geek won out. 1st Impression Rose for being almost believably golly-gee.

2) Jon--Hey! That's Matt Grant without the British accent! Oh, I thought this separated about birth thing was going a bit too far there for a minute. Anyway, e-commerce business criminal who's not married to Shayne Lamas either. Or Ashley Hebert for that matter.

3) Lucas--Texas oil field-business criminal. I'm sure Ashley has charming memories of guys who have worked in Texas oil fields.

4) William--The 1st of the Ken Doll 'droids. Spouts off about "seeing myself marrying Ashley!" like he's trying to become the next Cheesemachine. But saves his bacon in my book by actually doing some damn funny impressions, especially in the credits at the end.

5) Mickey--escapes characterization in any particular group. Fortunately for Ashley, "creepy" and "gross"are not categories. Mouth rapes her at "hello!" Shocked she didn't rose-rape him at "Goodbye!"

6) Tim-Mr. Entertainment! Liquor salesman who's not averse to sampling the wares. Pushy, obnoxious New Yorker and future AA member.

7) Ben C.--Ken Doll lawyer from Cajun Country. Speaks some French and brags about how passionate he is. Ok.

8) Stephen--1st of the long-haired artist/hairdresser types and the scruffiest. Said barely a word all night.

9) Chris D.--square-jawed financial money-pusher. Didn't this guy already get out of the car?

10) West--Adam West! No, I'm kidding. Lawyer who escapes categorization. Widower--wife drowned. Actually seemed nice. Handed her a broken compass stuck on "West". Decent trick.

11) Anthony--Silvio Dante. This guy has seen way too many Ratpack Movies and Soprano's episodes. Spent the whole night slicking back his jet-black pompadour like Dean Martin while aping the mannerisms of Frank Sinatra. Tried to work in every Italian Stereotype known to man. By the time the evening was over, I was certain his hair was slicked with olive oil and he had a dead guy in the trunk of his long black sedan. Shame she took out a "hit" on him really. I was going to call him Douchebaggio.

12) Rob--Baby-faced Tech Executive who had suit-filler written all over him. Alas, he even failed at that one.

13) Ames--Highly-educated Ivy League finance 'droid with a last name for a first name, a pointed chin and a perfectly squared eraser head. Was this guy even real?

14) Matt--Square-jawed sales rep. I'm telling you this guy has already stepped out of the car!

15) Jeff-The Phantom of the Opera. Yet another entremanuer, but unlike the last one, this guy wore a mask all night. Somehow Ashley bought this shtick. Previews show him still wearing his mask even on the crapper. The Lone Ranger its not.

16) Ben F.--Long-haired artist type # 2. Winemaker who brought wine. Actually seemed ok.

17) Frank--square-jawed college admissions guy who sinks himself immediately by winking at her. See ya.

18) Michael--another unshaven tech salesman.

19) Chris M.--High-strung Canadian construction CEO (read: handyman)

20) Ryan M.--another construction guy, but looks more like another square-jawed special. Is there any end to them? Takes pics of her and apparently wants to stalk the wingman for an autograph.

21) J.P.--Is that the skinhead look? Regardless, wins major points by announcing that he has "no props, no frills." Well it only took 21 guys before one acted like a normal human being.

22) Nick--tall, lanky personal trainer with a bad hair day.

23) Blake--smarmy dentist.

24) Bentley--Big Head Bentley. The drama star of the night. Yes, some dumb parents actually named their child after an snotty English touring car. Why "Big Head?" Two reasons: one, he's full of himself. Two, he has an ENORMOUS cranium. Seriously, this guy's head was the size of a basketball, literally and figuratively. Has obviously agreed to be this season's Greaseball Wes-Rated-R Rego. Producer's couldn't wait to run footage of him comparing Ashley to an ugly little mall rat who is way beneath him. How this portrayal is supposed to help a new Family Fun Center business in Mormon Utah remains a mystery.

25) Constantine--3rd long-haired artist type. Looked ready to audition for Hercules: The New Adventures. Ties floss onto her ring finger as a reminder of who he is. Cheesy but effective. Strangely silent all night.

To The Party We Go!

The wingman presses like a madman. "Is your husband in there?"

"I hope so! I really hope so!"

(After commercial and Jedi Mind Control probably involving waterboarding)

"Is your husband in there?"

"I think so."

"Much better answer this time. You can go in now."

Ashley goes in and is showered with plaudits, raises her glass and its off we go. Ever-sunny Ryan P. is up first and the earnest/geek race is quickly lost. Lets hope this guy is a red herring. Ben F, goes next and they speak about wines. He seems honestly interested in her. We'll see. Matt, one of the Ken Dolls goes next and in an obvious producer-stunt, he has Ashley call his mom with him. Mom, being the eternal hipster, warns her boy to wrap it up with a fast mover like Ashley. Mom must watch the show. Michael, the tech guy, threatens Ashley and the audience with a guitar, but then warms my heart by tossing it in the drink. Whew! No singing on night 1. Maybe this season will be ok. Most of the rest of the night focused on Tim, the New York drunk and Jeff-the Masked D-Bag. Foul-mouthed Tim hammers away at Jeff, and then gets so drunk he can't hammer away at anything. Ben C. and his super jowls steal some producer-written signs and gets to establish his Frenchness. William pulls out the sense of humor and for the most part, he does well. Meanwhile, Tim the drunk has gotten so plastered that he can't even talk, then passes out on the couch like a college fratboy. Attractive. His last bow will consist of slurring away at the Phantom of the Opera before passing out cold. Ashley gets a herd of her boys to carry him out to the car where all of viewing America shared the exact same thought: Just how many times did Tim puke in the back of that car? C'mon, you know you did. And you thought I was the sick one.

Apparently shellacked by Tim's breath, Ashley hands Ryan P. the 1st Impression Rose. Anyway, the second the rose falls, the wingman comes in tinging his champagne glass with his signature cheese knife.

Already safe: (Inexplicably) Ryan P.

Roses:

1) Jeff--The producers call the number of the Phantom of the Opera. What's next, vampire fangs? sheesh.

2) Constantine--said nary a word. But the Hercules looks and dental floss must have said plenty.

3) Ben F.--Looks solid. Might be a fan favorite.

4) Lucas--I'm feeling suit-filler here.

5) Steven--Ben F's twin. Silent as well.

6) Matt--Tell mom she is a filthy old pititsa. (If you get that joke, you watch Stanley Kubrick movies)

7) Nick--Bad hair day doesn't cost him.

8) Chris D.--even watching it back, I can't tell which one he is.

9) Ryan M.--more chances to cozy up to Harrison.

10) Blake--dental courtesy. Didn't say a word.

11) Mickey the Creepy--looks like a numbers game to fill suits.

12) Ben C. and his mighty passionate jowls.

13) West--not a surprise.

14) William the impressionist.

15) J.P. --zero doubt on this one.

16) Ames--the 'droid ambles up stiffly and gets a buttoner.

Wingman cue--"Gentleman, this is the final rose and the story arc is under way. Bentley, ham it up!"

17) Big Head Bentley.

Dumped:

1) Douchebaggio. Gives the camera a two-fingered Sinatra kiss off and ambles into the night like Count "Vinny" Dracula.

2) Rob, the Baby-faced tech nerd.

3) Jon, the Matt Grant doppleganger. He seemed actually disappointed that he got the Bachelorette he wanted, and struck out on the 1st night.

So, one night in the books. What's next? No idea. I'm thoroughly unspoiled so you are safe about this ship. See ya next week.