Tuesday, May 31, 2011

5/30--Dates as Pointless as a Broken Pencil

About as "Stealth" as a Barn

Phantom of the Opera wanna-be, Jeff, the Masked D-bag, makes his corny move.

Nothing like killing a few hours on a Monday night. This was like a water-treading tournament. Week 2 of Ashley Hebert's quest to pay off her Dental School loans revealed nothing except for the fact that she has lousy taste in men and one helluva body. I supposed that will have to do. Even when we got to see a date, the producer's squandered as much time as possible just to ensure we have no earthly idea whether Ashley is even remotely compatible with any of these men or even interested in them. And I thought Angry Birds was a colossal waste of time.

Vega$ Vega$ Vegas$

As soon as the preview ends, Chris "Wingman" Harrison enters the mansion looking casual in a navy-blue button-up and jeans, and rounds the boyos up for a preview of the date rules in the 1 in a million chance that a new viewer is actually tuning in. Harrison warns the oddballs to be extra competitive, since some will get stiffed on dates most weeks. He drops the first date card and departs. Eraser Head Ames, the Ivy League finance 'droid, steps up and reads off the name of Cheesemachine avatar, Will, the Comedian. Ashley invites him to make a "splash" with her. Meanwhile, Ashley has departed her own digs and is on her way over in what looks suspiciously like a stolen Aston-Martin. She drives up to the mansion and crashes in wearing about a kleenex worth of material on her wonderful little bod and picks Will up for a trip to Vegas. Since driving stolen Aston-Martin's isn't exciting enough for this show, she drives Will to an airport and whisks him away to Sin City in a private jet. A quickly inserted Private Interview lets Jeff, the masked D-bag show us he is still masked and still an assclown by declaring himself to be "stealth." Jesus, has this show stooped to stealing lines from Survivor now? Whatever.

Pointless Endeavor, Take 1

Ashley gets Mr. Funny Stuff to Vegas and they proceed to engage in what may have been the dumbest date on this show since Jillian played hide-and-seek with her suitors: they eat wedding cake, shop for a wedding ring, and then stage a ludicrous fake wedding. Reason for this total waste of time? Jillian, er I mean Ashley says its because she's worried the guys are not really there for her and are really not ready to get married. Well that will damn sure show them who's boss. Any joker unwilling to be dragged into marrying a hyperactive little dentist on the 1st date is an obvious commitment phobe. Will tries to act like he is sweating the whole time, and I do mean tries. Stupid, even by this show's non-existent standards. Once they're done wasting the better part of the afternoon learning nothing about one another, darkness mercifully falls. And when it does I get all nostalgic since Ashley appears dressed in one of my mother's draperies from 1972. A green sateen nightmare last seen when Linda Ronstadt ruled the Top 40. Fortunately for me (and the 5 other men in the viewing audience) its cut so high we can see Ashley's ovaries. Small blessings. Will collects her and she leads him out to a man-made pond around the Bellagio for the least private date you could imagine. What happens here I assume always happens: a crowd of onlookers gather around to yell at the Bachelor/ette and shout encouragement. But for some odd reason, Fleiss has decided to show us this. Same thing when their jet landed in Vegas. People flocked around Ashley and got their pics taken with her. Odd. Anyway, with only a few thousand onlookers hanging over the railing of the pond and shouting at them, Will rows her out to a little perch in the water and they have dinner. Will confides to her, in between shouts from fans, that he wants to be a stand-up comedian. Damn; doesn't anyone just want to be a cell phone salesman anymore? Anyway, right on cue, Will breaks into a serious face and confides to Ashley about his dead dad. Turns out his dad was a major alky and was beaten up by the side of a road and left for dead. Ashley chimes in about her own alcoholic pappy and a connection is established. Truthfully, I had forgotten her dad-tale from last season since she was never shown mentioning it to Brad. Whoa. Thinking back to what a lush she was last season gave me the shivers. Cool it on the sauce, dear. Anyway, they make out and the fountains in the fake lake explode to the cheers of their voyeur audience. Ashley hands him the flower. Date over.

Pointless Endeavor, Part 2

Saving a few bucks by not flying Ashley back to L.A., a group date card arrives back at the mansion and it turns out 12 of the remaining stud farm are off to Vegas to meet Ashley there. Leaving behind a player or two, as well as the masked idiot, the other 12 head to the airport to meet Ashley. She is waiting for them dressed like Ellie May Clampett gone street walker. The boys roll up in a stretch limo and Ashley guides them into a theatre where the dance group Jabawockeez is rehearsing. What's a Jabawockeez? Wasn't that the fat slugs and hairy giants in Star Wars? Maybe that was Jabba the Wookie. Regardless, it looked like a bunch of hooligan mimes dancing around to electro-pop music. Ashley ditches the boys and the Ellie May outfit so she can surprise them by emerging up onto the stage and...and, nothing. Very impressive. The head hooligan-mime lets the fellas know that they will get a chance to be French embarrassments in their own right and dance with the Jabbers, but only half of them will make the cut. The losers will be shipped back to the rustic surroundings of the Bachelor Mansion to drink themselves insensible and cool their heels while the winners get to hang around with Ashley at the hotel and not enjoy Vegas.

They split into two teams and label themselves perpetual groomsmen "The Best Men" and the aptly titled "No Rhythm Nation." Practice sessions start and the Men decide to do some version of a Rose Ceremony wedding and No Rhythm Nation does something involving mime masks and dancing like white boys. They all dance about as well as you expect a bunch of bond lawyers, cell phone salesman, and financial analysts are known for. No Rhythm is declared the winner by the hooligan-mime and are given the opportunity to hide in the background during the night's performance. Ashley, who can actually dance, is filmed separately before the real crowd comes in as to not rook the paying audience. This leaves, Adam West, Vino Ben, Lucas the Enigma, Blake the Smarmy Dentist, Nick and his Horrid Hair Highlights, and Ta Da!--Big Head Bentley behind to party with Ashley. She casts a longing glance at the two or three from the other team that she actually wanted to speak with as they are unceremoniously packed back off to the mansion.

We've scarcely arrived at the party destination outside the Bellagio when Adam West moves in for the capture. West guides Ashley aside, skips any preamble and whips out the big guns of depression and chronicles the tragic demise of his wife. While he is describing his own personal agony, the sadistic producers insert Private Interviews of Big Head Bentley, shooting his mouth off like a rude cannon. Bentley is seen (and heard) gleefully admitting that he likes to swim in his own piss or something like that. Nah, I'm just wishing. What Sphincter-Head Bentley describes is how he'd rather swim in his own yellow river than face planning a wedding with Ashley. Jeez. Now, I've watched too many seasons of this trash to believe everything I'm shown, but this sure looked real. The only question we are left with before Bentley exits the show on his own next week, is: Is this guy really this cavernous an asshole? It might all be slice and dice magic, but it hardly matters. The guy is a douche. The real question is only just how big a one is he? Somewhere is a seedy dive in Texas, Greaseball Wes Hayden turned and high-fived some drunken patron when he saw this. The skeezer-crown has been passed. Just to rub in the horror, Bentley is seen playing coy with Ashley and like a clueless babe with half her actual I.Q., Ashley practically begs said douche grenade to hang around. Then she awards him the rose for being such a wad. West, who related the tale of losing his wife, looks on in confusion. America joins him. Date over.

I'll Bet Ya a Flip of This Coin That We'll Be Bored By This Next Pointless Date

While Big Head was working to see that he will be banned by the State of Utah and never be allowed back, another date card has arrived back at the Mansion. Two of the remaining dudes, Creepy Mickey Finn and J.P. the Skinhead hear their names called. But alas, we have a pointless twist. Seems a coin flip will be used to determine who gets to go to Vegas and be boring. Mickey wins the flip, and J.P. is shut out. Mickey heads to Vegas where Ashley, insisting she doesn't know who's coming, awaits him at the airport. Mickey emerges and Ashley deflates like an old tire. "Ohhhhhhh, Mickey?" Uh-huh. Why did I get the overwhelming feeling that she was told a two-headed coin was going to be used? Mickey takes it in stride and off they go. Truthfully, Mickey came across as much less creepy this week. Mrs. Barbarossa insists he's very good looking too. But that's just tough shit, isn't it? If the Wench Queen wants to give her unsolicited opinion about how hot Mickey Finn is, she should start her own damn blog. Although less creepy, I thought the guy was as boring as a bag of concrete mix, so the "Creepy" is over; long live the Mickey Finn! Matters weren't helped by the incessant (and asinine) gimmick of flipping a coin over everything these two were even considering doing. But when they finally stop shticking and sit down to eat, Mickey whips out yet another dead relative tale. This time, its dead mom. (Anybody else get the feeling that this crew was recruited assuming Brad and Emily would have busted up before filming started instead of a week after it had begun?) In the end, Ashley acts like she's going to let a coin flip decide the rose question. Mickey, dull as dirt he may be, looked ready to tell her to stuff the rose, thorns first. Arghh! But he finally gives in and she flips. He gets the rose and she tells him he was going to get it anyway. They then walk on a fake beach and some chick I don't recognize comes out and sings to them. They make out a lot. Date over.

Thanks Fleiss; I always Wanted to Know What the Phantom of the Opera Looks Like on the Can

Finally its back to the mansion for some creepy organ music and scenes of Jeff, the masked D-bag, hovering over the proceedings like a vulture. Ashley comes in looking fab and schmoozes around with the guys who got stiffed. First up, is J.P the Skinhead, who hauls her aside and coin flips her to see if he gets a kiss. He wins and Ashley chalks up another lip lock, and does this one gleefully. Various other dudes get a few minutes to make their pitches. Ben C. takes a break from storing walnuts in his enormous jowls, and takes her aside to brag about his out of control passion again. I think the "C" stands for "chipmunk". Nick and his Horrid Hair Highlights gives some line dancing lessons and appears to be owning the moment until the producer's send in already-rosed Will, the Comedian, for the steal. The others gnash their teeth at the Cheesemachine avatar. At long last, the Masked D-bag takes a break from haunting the rafters and corners Ashley in a creepily lit stairwell to make his pitch. He rolls out his own tale of woe of a brain hemorrhage and divorce at 29. He's just about to remove his mask when the producers decide we need to see one more week of this shit, and send in Matt, the Mamas Boy for the steal. The Phantom mumbles "curses to you!" twirls his mustache and vanishes in a whiff of smoke. When he reappears, he is sitting on the throne pinching a loaf. Thanks for the visual, Fleiss. The episode is rounded off when Ashley pays Big Head a call, and like Casanova the Noggin, Bentley carries her romance style down near a fireplace and kisses her. He's quick to let us know just how boring and horrible the kiss was while Ashley gushes and admits she practically wet herself. I'll bet she's loving this broadcast. The final insult delivered, the wingman enters with glass and cheese knife and calls things off.


Already safe: Will, the Comedian, Mickey Finn, and Fat Head Bentley.

1) Adam West: No rose for the lost wife, but one here.

2) Constantine Hercules: Scarcely a word spoken, but he scores easily.

3) Sunny Ryan: This season's Tenley. Dreams in cartoon and shits heart-shaped rainbows, but did both things quietly this episode.

4) Ben Chipmunk--Ok.

5) Nick and his H.H.Highlights.

6) Eraserhead Ames

7) Lucas, the Enigma

8) Jeff, the Masked D-bag. Was there any doubt when the mask stayed on?

9) J.P. the Skinhead--shaping up like a fan favorite

10) Chris--who? Chris Harrison? Who is this guy?

11) Vino Ben--winemaker is one of two narrators to this point. Likable guy.

12) Blake, the smarmy dentist--fill that suit, son.


1) Vino Ben's twin, Steven the Hairdresser. Looked almost concerned by the news

2) Ryan M.--No more autographed wingman photos for you.

3) Matt the Mamas Boy--phones mom at 4:30 AM to get an airport pick up and some French Toast. Few women will injure their hands beating down his door.

Next week: Fat Head Bentley dumps Ashley and worries about his incredible hair. See ya then.



Becky said...

Hilarious as usual, Cap'n!!! Thanks!

sunny said...

Was looking forward to your piratical take on this episode and was not disappointed; the most cogent and entertaining recap I've read today. Couldn't refrain from a most unladylike guffaw when I encountered," ... I get all nostalgic since Ashley appears dressed in one of my mother's draperies from 1972 ... cut so high we can see Ashley's ovaries." Thanks, Cap'n!!