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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

6/20--The Big Head Bentley Chronicles, Week 5

Wanted: Murderer! Kills Victims By Boring Them To Death! Even When He's Absent!
The Nation Pleads For Mercy!


Thailand Bore Job!

Did you ever realize, Dear Reader, just how little there must be to do in Thailand? I didn't. The land known for cheap drugs, cheap brothels, and underage hookers deserves better than this. I'll bet Harrison and the crew had a helluva time. Shame the same can't be said for the audience, or the unlucky suckers who got trapped on this seesaw roller coaster with Ashely Hebert, who is obviously off her meds. I realize this show is a ridiculous Victorian-era fantasy, aimed squarely at women in the 18-49 advertising sweet spot, but there must be something more to do there than wander around open air markets and mope about some asshole who's not even on the show anymore. Hey Fleiss, since you had a crazy Bachelorette, why didn't you make the most of it? Hell, she's not even drunk! And this is Ashley we're talking about here! She was the drunkest contestant to ever survive the first night meltdown in the history of this show last season when she went all crazy and bombed on Brad Womack. And the scenery? This could have been filmed on the Warner Brothers backlot. Or at Epcot. You went all the way to Thailand so we could see interior shots of a hotel and a swimming pool?What's the problem; does Thailand have no helicopters, no scenic waterfalls, no bungy-jumping bridges? What the hell's wrong with you, man? You're boring us to death! I haven't even seen this loony broad in a hot tub! All she does is mope. Hey, Harrison, put down the base pipe, get that 15 year-old stripper off your lap and show Ashley the damn tapes of Bentley or I'm gonna' hunt you down! I can't take much more of this! Poor Thailand; its now known as the place where people with no lives go to die in the rain. How ironic. The People of Vietnam are wiping their collective brows that the United States let them off easy. Hah! What's a few thousand B-52 raids? At least we aren't suffering like Thailand!

Lets Talk Some More About Bentley

I have a better idea: lets not! But apparently there is no escaping the whining about prize catch, Bentley Williams and his enormous skull. Ashley, hopping on the schizophrenic bandwagon early, assures us she feels better and is over Bentley now, before mentioning him 63,000 times during the episode. As a a matter fact, she has infected my brain with her madness. Don't be shocked if her subliminal Bentley banter breaks through onto the pages on my blog. I'll do my best, but be on your guard. Anyway, the boys are shown boarding buses to the airport for a flight deeper inside Thailand. Once they are ensconced into this week's product-placement gimme', we get a video tour of this part of Thailand. Eraser Head Ames breathlessly relates that Thai monks wear saffron robes. Out of the closest with you, already! Harrison stumbles inside the gimme' and tees up the night's line up before heading back to the Boom-Boom garbage dump for another round of shots. Turns out there will be one, 1-on-1 date, one group date, and one of the infamous 2-on-1-prepare-to-be-ejected dates. Harrison, smiling like the luckiest bastard on earth, dumps the card on the table and evaporates. Sunny Ryan fills in as the producer cockblock of the week to tell us just how badly he wants the 1-on-1 date, just so we can hear that it goes to Vino Ben

Lets Just Wander Around Aimlessly

Ashley, still whining her ass off, picks Ben up and they head to downtown Mai Lai or whatever the place is named. They stumble around an open air market we could have seen in Santa Monica and...and shop for fruit? I have no idea what they are doing besides being boring. Poor Ben, the producer's must have him confused with his look-a-like, Constantine. He gets the exact same crappy date. They wander across the square of the town and have a seat (but do not dare enter) a Thai monastery of some sort and sit out front. This holy place outside that holy place is a No Kissing Zone, so Ashley and Ben make like two horny junior high school students at the back of their algebra class and "pretend kiss". (Insert your own rude comment; I shouldn't have to.) Mercifully, night falls and Ashley takes Ben to some outdoor amphitheater thingy where they sit on the ground ringed by flowers and have a conversation. Ben talks about the loss of his father and how insular it made him. 

"I realized I was being selfish and changed my ways."
"That's fascinating Bent...I mean, Ben." 
Ben goes on about being an amateur vinter and Ashley only keeps herself awake by sketching her new name, "Mrs. Bentley Williams", on the table while he talks. 
"I was an emotional zombie after his death--so I started making wine."
I wonder if Bentley will make me quit being a lush since he's Mormon.
"Ashley, are you listening to me?"
Fleiss sends in some half-naked Geisha dancers to spew fireballs to keep Ashley awake and she and the very normal and quite likable, Ben, exchanged some disinterested kisses. One very boring date: over.

The Beating of an Android

Well, don't forget your blood pressure meds, folks, cause its about to become Excitement City over there in Thailand. The producers, breaking their arms patting themselves on the back over Ali's Olive Oil Wrestling matches in Turkey two season's back, decide to up the ante and make Ashley's disinterested suitors full-contact karate each other. This was actually pretty entertaining; at least the parts of it we got to see were. Ashley was certainly given a buff, in-shape bunch to ignore. No Gummy Bear body's like Palooka Craig in this bunch, and the only true beanpole in the cast, William the Wise, is being saved for sacrifice later. That means, Sunny Ryan; Mickey Finn; J.P., The Skinhead; Lucas the Enigma; Blake, the Smarmy Dentist; Nick and His Horrible Hair Highlights; Eraser Head Ames; and Constantine Hercules are going to be sent into the ring to pummel one another.
Ashley greets them at a Muy Thai boxing gym where the boys are put through some legitimate-looking paces by some hardassed Thai instructors. Say what you will, but these jokers are in shape, not just pretty boys. Push-up contests complete, they are loaded into the back of an unglamorous van and taken to a public boxing ring. They unload and see two real Thai boxers going at it. One slips his opponent, and throws a mean-looking back elbow to the face and KO's his competitor. The sound of swallowing can be audibly heard from the boys. Ashley starts to mumble her own doubts about the wisdom of this contest as well: Thank god Bentley isn't here! He might get his hair mussed!

The producers, sadistic, but not (yet) homicidal maniacs, pair the boys up by relative size and here we go:

Lucas the Enigma vs. Blake the Smarmy Dentist:

This one was a great start; a tough Texan from the oil fields against a dentist, but the dentist is ripped and appeared no stranger to the ring. They both show good chops, but Blake starts landing heavy blows quickly and scores a 1-round TKO. Props to the suit-filler. That was pretty good. Props to the Texan as well. He man's up with no hesitation: "He put me down--put me down hard too!" Cool. Ashley greets Lucas as he staggers out of the ring: "You did really well, too." I'm sure that made him feel loads better, Ash. Tell him size doesn't matter while you're at it.

Mickey Finn vs. J.P., the Skinhead:

What looked like an early mismatch with the 5'9" or so, 185 lbs. or so, Mickey with the clear advantage over the 5'6" 165 or 70, J.P. quickly becomes a fight. Mickey scores early and hard but swings himself out in no time and J.P. comes rallying back with some solid shots and a kick to the ribs to score a TKO. Well done, men! J.P. gets to stress in a private interview that the "Long Island Jewish Boy KO'd the Irish Kid." Wow, despite Ashley's moping, this is starting to look pretty good.

Sunny Ryan and Eraser Head Ames:

 The comic relief portion of our evening. Sunny Ryan, the insincere solar energy dork takes on the sushi-eating finance 'droid, Eraser Head Ames. Ames, suitably attired in pink trunks and gloves, mewls in private interviews that he has never been in a fight in his life. Ryan the dork, on the other hand, must have spent endless hours trying to protect himself from bullies. They start and Ames barely moves from his corner. Ryan closes in, and doubtlessly still smiling, starts swinging away. One miraculously lands on Ames' headgear and Ames grips his huge protoskull and all but says, "Owwwweeey!" They skip through the myriad of missed punches and holding as the fight ends and Ames is defeated on points. Stumbling from the ring, the permanent grin missing from his face, Ames sits down on the bench staring sightlessly ahead.

Blake prompts my impending excitement: "Now its time for the heavyweights!"

Nick and His Horrible Hair Highlights vs. Constantine Hercules:

Nick and Constantine, both somewhere in the neighborhood of 6' 4', about 225 or 230 pounds get set to do battle and I order up a bowl of popcorn from the Wench Queen, who tells me to get stuffed, I can get my own. The bell rings and the boxing...vanishes? What!? Yep, I'm sad to report that it was time for an endless montage of Eraser Head Ames staring sightlessly ahead and drooling into his own lap. Oh, c'mon Fleiss! Really?! We needed to see Ashley running to summon a Ring Doctor and a stretcher cam view up Ames' tutu into his junk box? Fine, fine, but put the damn boxing back on! Nope, we get two nanoseconds of the fight--one showing Constantine landing a body shot, and another as he gets his hand raised in victory as Nick stands there smiling, clearly beaten but unbowed. Wow, all so I can see Ames' jockstrap? This show leads the world in suckatude. No matter, I'll catch the finals now that Ames is in the hospital. 

Uh, no. The boxing is gone, replaced by Ashley's continued whining about Ames and You Know Who. Beautiful. Turns out, there was more boxing, we just weren't shown it. Spoilers say that Blake took on Ryan in the finals and KO'd him. The spoilers also say that before that, J.P. and Constantine decided to "bow out." I think that's a delicate way of saying that J.P. took a glance at the bracket match-ups, looked at Constantine realizing he sported him about 8 inches and 50 lbs of anodized steel muscles and shouted "Ohhh, Fuck That!" The producers, their ambulance quota filled for the night and desperate to keep alive the one man Ashley has shown middling interest in, called off the massacre. Shame though, it would have been cool to follow J.P.'s severed, shaved head on its ballistic arc as it cratered into the Mexican desert after Constantine punched him. This show is just a Debbie Downer this season, I swear. Anyway, Ashely takes them back to the gimme' hotel and they sit around the pool.  Sunny Ryan gets to confirm the spoilers by showing off some facial swelling we KNOW Ames never caused, and Blake, his face completely unmarked, gets the date rose. Ashley spends the whole time mewling about Ames and how worried she is about him and the rest of her time....oh, I think you know. Ames does manage to put in an appearance and confirms the doctors have successfully reattached his grin and have diagnosed him with a slight concussion. How? He was wearing a headgear rig and Ryan was wearing 12 lb. gloves? Mike Tyson shouldn't have been able to concuss him with that gear. Not to mention the fact that Michelle Money hit the toilet seat rim harder last season when she passed out dead drunk than Ryan hit Ames. I guess it didn't take much to knock Ames' positronic brain matrix askew. Its at this time that several of the boys hit Ashley with some long overdue straight talk. Her insecurities in bloom, she asks a few leading questions and gets some blunt answers. Blake tells her that to this point, he's gotten nothing from her, and when she asks Constantine if he has bonded more with the other guys than with her, he says, "I'd have to say yes. We haven't spent enough time together." Constantine is then showed holding court with the lads and saying with sincerity, "Hey, its true. If by the time the families are called into this, if I can't say there is a strong connection, then well...I mean meeting my family is serious business to me." I know that some other bloggers think this guy is boring (Hey, look at what he's working with here!) but as far as I'm concerned, this guy is a straight-up normal guy. Hey Fleiss, there's your next Bachelor! The guy is handsome, honest, and appears to be a leader. Skip the cheesmachine wanna-be's and disingenuous grinners: Hire him!

Poling Ashley on a Raft

When the boxers were called to stand to, two names were conspicuously absent: Jowly Ben Chipmunk and Cheesemachine avatar, William the Wise. Linear Trigonometry is not required to see that they will be the victims of the two-on-one somebody-can-suck-it date. She meets them at some zoo park called "Elephant Life Experience" whatever the hell that is so we can see constant irritant, William, planning Ben's downfall. They pole her down a river on a flat raft and the second he gets Ashley alone, 'ol Cheesy starts poisoning the well against Ben. "Well, I just heard from others that Ben molests small furry animal in his spare time and was actually part of the Nixon Administration." Ashley waits scarcely a minute before she sits them both down and cuts Ben immediately. I was thinking Ben was getting the bums rush there for a minute until he all but confirms that he has been pondering aloud how much he's gonna' score in the online dating scene thanks to this show. Will gleefully rubs his hands together like a modern-day Simon Legree, delighted that he has sabotaged his competition, but a smile is coming to my lips as we hear Ashley say rather nastily that William thinks he's safe for some reason. Pretty easy to see what's coming now and also easy to see how and why William escaped elimination for 2 weeks after the Roast debacle; she wanted to do it in person. Over dinner, she tells the disingenuous dork, "I've been wanting to see if that spark was still there, but its not." Will goggles at her and she coldly tells him, "I'll walk you out!" Ha! Ha! Good one, Ash. Best move of the first four weeks by far. Nothing like the 'ol double-dump. William, ever the loser, decides to mine Ashley's playbook and run himself into the ground by decrying what a zero he is. And I thought she sounded pathetic. Sheesh! Au Revoir, Cheesemachine wanna-be...and don't let the limo door hit you on the way out. Enjoy your trip back to cell phone salesman hell.

Yes, Yes, Just Call the Son of a Bitch Back!

Unable to stand anymore of Ashley's whining about Bentley, the producers pry Harrison loose from whatever legal trouble I'm sure he was in and send him into the pow wow room to lead Ashley to the conclusion that Big Head Bentley must be brought back. I never thought I'd say it: but I'm happy he's coming back. The sooner I see him again, the quicker I can stop seeing and hearing about him forever! 

Already Safe: Vino Ben and Blake, the Smarmy Dentist

Roses:

1) Constantine--damn right!

2) Lucas, the Enigma--damn right again!

3) J.P., the Skinhead--Got to keep his head.

4) Eraser Head Ames--Thank you for wearing a blue blazer to a flannel shirt evening filled with manly warrior-types. 

5) Mickey Finn--Got KO'd but hangs on another week.

6) Sunny Ryan--1 and 1, but got a KO. Yeah, it was over Ames, who a piano teacher could have ko'd, but we'll count it.

Dumped: Heavyweight contender Nick and His Horrible Hair Highlights. Faces the specter of a return to being a "personal trainer" flirted with by 60 year-old married women. I'd cry too, bub.

Next Week: The polluted, overcrowded hellhole of Hong Kong and the return of Godzilla, the flame breathing douchetard. See ya then.








2 comments:

DJ in Houston said...

Ugh! I hated how much time was wasted on that Bentley guy in this show! He is not worth the air time at all!

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