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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

6/27--Hong Kong Phooey

Number 1 Super Guy!




Thrills! Chills! Mind bogging highs and death-defying plunges into troughs of despair! Yes, it's time for another week on the bi-polar roller coaster known as Ashley Hebert. The Bachelorette who's up!--she's down!--she's chirpy!--she's bawling!--she's optimistic!--she's destined to die a lonely old spinster! My stomach was so roiled by following her around through every soaring leap and sudden 90* plunge that I had to take Dramamine halfway through the episode. If a storm hadn't hit and knocked my satellite  offline, I don't think I could have made it. This week, the Coaster visited the crowded, smelly, hellhole of Honk Kong, China; the place where they must have filmed Blade Runner; futuristic, flashing with neon lights like a House of Horrors, and covered in a permanent mist/smog. I was glad my TV doesn't have a "smell-o-rama"chip in it. Even the Dramamine wouldn't have stopped the retching if it had. Often this show edits people until they are unrecognizable to even their own families. Well that's one thing we don't have to fear in regards to Ashley. This is twice we've seen her and one thing couldn't be any clearer: this broad is nuts!


Dot, Dot, Dot...Period!...Until Ashley Starts Talking Again.

As the episode open with all the necessary Bentley recaps hammering away, Ashley handles the promo spot for the Hong Kong Chamber of Commerce while at a building rooftop, Harrison greets the roving frat party and covers this weeks product-placement gimme', the Conrad Hotel. Harrison sports for the hotel as they overlook one of the world's most important centers for commerce and world trade. Yawn.
Whose daffy-assed idea was this? Hong Kong, City of Romance? Since when? Maybe Eraser Head Ames got all giddy being this close to so much action on the Nikkei Exchange, but for the rest of the world, the only people who think Hong Kong and Romance together in the same sentence are young entrepreneurs trying to get venture capital for a tech startup. It's the size of a postage stamp and inhabited by 2 billion people who managed to escape being raped by Chinese Commies only by being raped by British Imperialists instead. The only thing good about this location was giving me an excuse to include a picture of one of the most underrated superheroes of all time: Hong Kong Phooey; the only dog ever to change into a superhero inside a filing cabinet and the only one to store his supercar in a dumpster. Regardless, its dating time. But first...


Douchebag on Parade

Before the boys can get too deep into enjoying being trapped in a high rise marvel, its time to address the focal point of the entire season to this point: Big Head Bentley. And Ashley's mad this guy wasted so much of her time? How about my time, Ashley? You think you're pissed. Anyway, with the recap in the rear view, Harrison hustles down to Ashley's room to let her know that Cranium the Colossus is in the hotel and ready to see her. Ashley nearly faints with joy and makes it until the commercial break before she charges down to see him. The editing axe struck this scene so thoroughly it was hard to make head or tails from it. Basically, you get the feeling that Bentley was only too happy to come back and get a free trip to Hong Kong out of the deal. In between, he laced her with mixed signals (a hand on her leg, a smile, an offer to see her in Utah "if things don't work out.") while committing to nothing. She finally presses him into a corner and he pretty much tells her she needs to hook up with someone on the show. Ashley's face falls and she starts to get angry. "Why did you come back? Why didn't you just call? If you came on this show for the reasons Michelle Money said you did, just to mess with me and get me to fall for you, then mission fucking accomplished!" Argh! At last! She is blind but now she can see. Realizing she's been played, Ashley storms out and drops a string of F-bombs in her wake. The producer's seem to dig her profanity because they stage an interview where she snarls at the camera, "I'm done with you! Fuck you, Bentley!" But don't get too worried, folks, she'll be deliriously happy again in mere minutes. One of the perks of Ashley. She changes like the weather. She hits the door on the way out while Bentley sits there smirking like an ass and probably planning his wild vacation itinerary of visiting a few venture capital firms. What a D-bag. I would have been relieved had I not heard his name 50,000 more times in the episode. It's also important to remember for later that if Bentley had come back to rejoin the cast, she would have taken him back in a Hong Kong minute. Keep that in mind for later, when almost every guy on the show pops a rivet when she finally tells them she fell for Bentley.

Let's...Let's Wander Around Some More.

The wingman, exhausted from working hours on end to secure Bentley's free vacation, lets Ashley feed us the date line up for the week. There will be two, 1on1's, and one Group Date this week. The boys read the card back at the Conrad and we hear that Lucas the Enigma is about to drop the Enigma and step out into the light. Universally despised (especially by me) Sunny Ryan, predicts Lucas' doom; which means he's in for a rose. Ashley promptly takes him to downtown Hong Kong to wander around a little more. Ashley is now fully recovered, she happily informs us and drops a few hundred more "Bentley's". Having nowhere interesting to go and very little to do, the Hong Kong Chamber of Commerce arranges for a Chinese Parade Dragon to meet them in a city square and put on a little show. Cosmopolitan Ashley, who has marveled to Lucas that Hong Kong is like New York(inside a snow globe) watches the Dragon, laughing. Lucas, the West Texas Cowboy, stares at the thing like its from outer space, tells us he has never been to New York, and looks like he wants to whip out his grandaddy's 4-10 shotgun and blast it. They then wander over to some seedy street vendors and sample the local exotic cuisine...just like Ashley did with both Ben and Constantine. They eat what we are told are pig intestines and Lucas scowls and asks for a hamburger. I must be a rednecked peckerwood like Lucas. I've never been to New York either and I would have asked for a hamburger too. At some point, Ashley leads Lucas out onto a gaily lit junk that's moored in Hong Kong Harbor and they eat some real food. Or try to. I'm sure the smell from 15 centuries of people dumping crap into that polluted harbor could have knocked a buzzard off a shitwagon, but they give it a try. Mostly though, they let Lucas loose the enigma and talk about his divorce a little more. He finishes by telling her, "God has a plan for me." Ashley, whom reports insist is a devoted atheist, must have wondered like I did why god wanted Lucas to get divorced, but whatever. He gives us no details why they got divorced except that they fell out of love. Thanks for the nitty gritty. Lucas seems a solid guy, but man is he boring. He then (in his boring, courtly, southern gentlemanly way) asked to kiss her and they go at it with less heat than West Texas cousins. So, to sum up: compatibility? No. Chemistry? Ha, you jest. Rose? Sure, why the hell not? Ashley is nearly 50% Bentley-free and in a giddy mood. She pins the flower on him and he shows us that West Texas oil field wildcatters know cliches too: "Mannn, that thar was the best 1st date a maaah lifeeee!" Yee-haw. Date over.

Dragon Boat Racing

Ok, I'm not gonna' wreck em too bad here; at least they tried to do something fun. Awkward but fun, but at least they tried; which is a helluva lot more than they've been doing most of this season. Ashley, dressed like MaryAnn from Gilligan's Island gone horribly wrong, meets the boys at the beach, splits them into three teams, and tells them they are going to row Dragon Boats in a race, but first they will have to recruit crews from the locals to help out.
The Teams are:
Red Team: Consisting of the look-a-like twins, Vino Ben and Constantine Hercules, who seem to have a major bromance in the works.
Blue Team: With sworn enemies, Blake, the smarmy dentist, and relentlessly chipper asswipe, Sunny Ryan.
Black Team: Consisting of failed boxers Mickey Finn, and Eraser Head Ames.

All three groups head off into the market square and try to recruit team members to help them crew their boats. Romantic? Uh, no. But potentially fun, which is more than we can say for the last month of this show. Sunny Ryan, using his sunshiny entremanureialship, quickly signs an English-speaking, professional Dragon Boat crew. Mickey and Ames wander around and I was honestly disappointed Ames didn't break out the local lingo and sign an Olympic-caliber Dragon Boat crew and get his own tech startup financed while he was it. But no. They do however, put together a fair squad. Bromancers Constantine and Ben meanwhile, struggle around and try and sign on couples because everyone knows women make such fantastic competitive boat oarsmen. Huh? Anyway, they quickly realize that A) this whole thing is stupid, and B) they suck at it, so they decide to go buy some loud robes and just have fun. Arriving on the beach, Ben and Constantine appear in silky, fire-engine red robes that look like Hefner's pajamas and bring with them a herd of about thirty middle-aged Chinese women. They crew their boats and off we go. Ashley rides on the bow of one of the boat's still dressed like MaryAnn gone wrong while Ryan and Blake and their professional crew take off like rockets. Ames and Mickey try and stay even but fall back quickly while Ben, Constantine, and their 30 Chinese grandmothers get "smoked like a salmon." Once they are all safely back on dry land, some couple down the beach seems to have gotten engaged so they can help Hong Kong with their overpopulation problem a little more. Roller Coaster Ashely sees this as another hopeful augur that someone will eventually marry her and heads UP! for the moment. They head to after boat race party back at the hotel lounge and give all the boys a chance to curse Ryan for being a dickweed. They show pretty much everyone who is left comment on what a wearisome piece of work Ryan is, so we can prepare ourselves for when he gets the rose. Before Ryan gets rosed for being fake, Eraser Head Ames takes Ashley into the elevator and WHOA! Looks who's drunk? Bout damn time! Not since night 1, when Tim the alcohol salesman overtested his wares, have we seen anyone tipsy and I'll be damn if it isn't the Eraser Head! Ames takes her into the elevator with a snifter of brandy, presses the button for the 48th floor, drops the effeminate Iy League manners and WHOA! He mauls her! The elevator stops on the 21st floor and some shocked Chinese had to have their shouts edited out:
"Disgusting Americans! Get a room!"
Ames calmly presses the 48th floor button and dives on her again, tonguing his way all the way to the 48th floor observation deck. I've been hard on this guy but he's clearly changed his ways! Props to the Eraser Head! I'm so pleased by his performance I'm even gonna' skip the puke-inducing recap of Ryan getting the date rose for being a fake.

Your Only Romance for the Last 5 Weeks

While the boating action done, a date card has arrived and Lucas, the texas Cowboy reads off the name of J.P., the skinhead. With some closure on the Bentley mess finally delivered, this date should be critical. Now this was the part my DVR skipped when the satellite went out and I went online to day to watch this. I ca't remember a whole lot about where they went and what they did, but I remember the important part. I have given up trying to guess about the loony editing this show has spouted the past few seasons, but what I saw sure looked like a firm frontrunner staking his claim. The dinner part was the most instructive when Ashley finally told J.P. about her Bentley obsession. J.P takes it calmly and takes an optimistic stance, thanking Ashley for being honest and glad she has gotten closure. What's clear is to just what extent this guy digs her and damn if it didn't look mutual. J.P swears he's never felt a connection this strong in his entire life and Ashley exclaims that J.P. is the most handsome man in the entire world! Really? The Jewish skinhead from Long Island? Hey, different strokes and all that, but this was really sweet. No acting appeared to be in the effort either. These two looked like they forgot about the cameras and went goo-goo over each other. Roller Coaster UP! But I am unspoiled, so this could all be misdirection edit for all I know. But it looked cool anyway. Rose? Zero doubt. Date over.

The Men Grow a Few Pairs!

The cocktail party begins, and Ashely, fresh off two successful dates, is UP! for the moment. Careful, young lady, you're about to meet one of the 90* hairpin dives. She marches into the party brimming with confidence and can't wait to unburden herself about the Bentley affair to all the men. Hey, I'm sure she thought, "J.P. took it well." Wrong move. All men are different on this score, and the fact that J.P. took it so well is that he appears to be in love with you, Ashley. The rest? Eh, not so much. She sits down among them and tells them the cold truth about Bentley. "I had fallen for him. I suffered through this more than you knew. Since he left, half of my heart has been with him." Faces fall. Constantine Hercules strikes first, "The one on one date we had, we spoke of honesty; this seems to contradict that."
Lucas the Cowboy: "Why did you wait to tell us!"
Blake, who has had no 1 on 1 at all, gets to hear that Bentley got a 1 on 1 in a hotel room. He is mad, as is Mickey Finn, Vino Ben, even Ames seems somewhat displeased. They're all mad except J.P., who appears smitten with her, and Mr. Fake Ryan. Intercuts show Private Interviews and these guys are livid, especially Lucas. "I hate it when people waste my time! And she has wasted my time!"
Ashley bolts away bawling and then sits down 1-on1 with many of them to hear how pissed off they are. Blake strikes hard: "Why am I even here? I haven't had a 1-on-1 and you don't seem to care about me at all!"
Sunny Ryan gets her alone and kisses her hand, her cheeks, her ass; any part of her so he can get the rose. Not normal, folks. J.P defends her much like he is defending a lady he obviously considers "his woman." Props to the Skinhead; he did the right thing. The rest aren't as close to her and all feel like yesterday's dogbreakfast. Men don't like feeling like the 2nd choice anymore than women do, maybe even less. We have giant egos. Ryan and his fake shtick merely prove how fake he is. He should have been pissed off. I also saw Ashley look at him suspiciously for the first time while he tried to schmooze her. Every other guy except J.P., who was told privately, is as mad as a hornet or at least disheartened. Not Ryan. No, the cheesmachine wanna-be is just burbling all over her about how wonderful she is. If you doubt me, Dear Reader, remember who warned you about Jake Pavelka from his 1st night on this show. It's more than editing; every one of the 8 remaining guys have said they don't like Ryan, but his story arc so strongly resembles Jake's it makes me nauseous! (Don't do it Fliess!) Mickey Finn, who may have been on the chopping block or not, has had enough. He sits down with her and basically says he's through. Ashley tells him to get moving then. The editors were all over this but Mickey had seen enough and departs. He climbs into the boat and sails off on the polluted harbor as the other men stand in salute above a rail and raise their fists to him. It makes me wonder if the producer's didn't start to move forcefully to stave off an exodus. Lucas already had a rose, but looks ready to chuck it into the harbor and go with Mickey. Ashley races in and apologizes her ass off bawling to help stem the tide. She was trying to be honest and didn't feel she could be until the matter was resolved. Hey Harrison, Fliess, this is your faults! You didn't need to let her stew a month. She was in a no-win situation and it blew up in her face. Props Ashley, you did you best. Props J.P., you defended her without denouncing the other guys for being justifiably pissed off. Props Mickey Finn for having a strong enough sense of worth to hit the bricks. Considering the reactions of the men, if anyone here is engaged to her besides J.P., I'll be stunned.

Already Safe: J.P., the Chivalrous Skinhead; Lucas the Texas Cowboy; Ryan the Douche.

Roses: 
1) Vino Ben--not sure where his heads at.
2) Constantine--This guy isn't even slightly invested in Ashley.
3) Eraser Head Ames: becoming a pirate favorite.

Next Week: Hell, I don't know; they didn't say.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

6/20--The Big Head Bentley Chronicles, Week 5

Wanted: Murderer! Kills Victims By Boring Them To Death! Even When He's Absent!
The Nation Pleads For Mercy!


Thailand Bore Job!

Did you ever realize, Dear Reader, just how little there must be to do in Thailand? I didn't. The land known for cheap drugs, cheap brothels, and underage hookers deserves better than this. I'll bet Harrison and the crew had a helluva time. Shame the same can't be said for the audience, or the unlucky suckers who got trapped on this seesaw roller coaster with Ashely Hebert, who is obviously off her meds. I realize this show is a ridiculous Victorian-era fantasy, aimed squarely at women in the 18-49 advertising sweet spot, but there must be something more to do there than wander around open air markets and mope about some asshole who's not even on the show anymore. Hey Fleiss, since you had a crazy Bachelorette, why didn't you make the most of it? Hell, she's not even drunk! And this is Ashley we're talking about here! She was the drunkest contestant to ever survive the first night meltdown in the history of this show last season when she went all crazy and bombed on Brad Womack. And the scenery? This could have been filmed on the Warner Brothers backlot. Or at Epcot. You went all the way to Thailand so we could see interior shots of a hotel and a swimming pool?What's the problem; does Thailand have no helicopters, no scenic waterfalls, no bungy-jumping bridges? What the hell's wrong with you, man? You're boring us to death! I haven't even seen this loony broad in a hot tub! All she does is mope. Hey, Harrison, put down the base pipe, get that 15 year-old stripper off your lap and show Ashley the damn tapes of Bentley or I'm gonna' hunt you down! I can't take much more of this! Poor Thailand; its now known as the place where people with no lives go to die in the rain. How ironic. The People of Vietnam are wiping their collective brows that the United States let them off easy. Hah! What's a few thousand B-52 raids? At least we aren't suffering like Thailand!

Lets Talk Some More About Bentley

I have a better idea: lets not! But apparently there is no escaping the whining about prize catch, Bentley Williams and his enormous skull. Ashley, hopping on the schizophrenic bandwagon early, assures us she feels better and is over Bentley now, before mentioning him 63,000 times during the episode. As a a matter fact, she has infected my brain with her madness. Don't be shocked if her subliminal Bentley banter breaks through onto the pages on my blog. I'll do my best, but be on your guard. Anyway, the boys are shown boarding buses to the airport for a flight deeper inside Thailand. Once they are ensconced into this week's product-placement gimme', we get a video tour of this part of Thailand. Eraser Head Ames breathlessly relates that Thai monks wear saffron robes. Out of the closest with you, already! Harrison stumbles inside the gimme' and tees up the night's line up before heading back to the Boom-Boom garbage dump for another round of shots. Turns out there will be one, 1-on-1 date, one group date, and one of the infamous 2-on-1-prepare-to-be-ejected dates. Harrison, smiling like the luckiest bastard on earth, dumps the card on the table and evaporates. Sunny Ryan fills in as the producer cockblock of the week to tell us just how badly he wants the 1-on-1 date, just so we can hear that it goes to Vino Ben

Lets Just Wander Around Aimlessly

Ashley, still whining her ass off, picks Ben up and they head to downtown Mai Lai or whatever the place is named. They stumble around an open air market we could have seen in Santa Monica and...and shop for fruit? I have no idea what they are doing besides being boring. Poor Ben, the producer's must have him confused with his look-a-like, Constantine. He gets the exact same crappy date. They wander across the square of the town and have a seat (but do not dare enter) a Thai monastery of some sort and sit out front. This holy place outside that holy place is a No Kissing Zone, so Ashley and Ben make like two horny junior high school students at the back of their algebra class and "pretend kiss". (Insert your own rude comment; I shouldn't have to.) Mercifully, night falls and Ashley takes Ben to some outdoor amphitheater thingy where they sit on the ground ringed by flowers and have a conversation. Ben talks about the loss of his father and how insular it made him. 

"I realized I was being selfish and changed my ways."
"That's fascinating Bent...I mean, Ben." 
Ben goes on about being an amateur vinter and Ashley only keeps herself awake by sketching her new name, "Mrs. Bentley Williams", on the table while he talks. 
"I was an emotional zombie after his death--so I started making wine."
I wonder if Bentley will make me quit being a lush since he's Mormon.
"Ashley, are you listening to me?"
Fleiss sends in some half-naked Geisha dancers to spew fireballs to keep Ashley awake and she and the very normal and quite likable, Ben, exchanged some disinterested kisses. One very boring date: over.

The Beating of an Android

Well, don't forget your blood pressure meds, folks, cause its about to become Excitement City over there in Thailand. The producers, breaking their arms patting themselves on the back over Ali's Olive Oil Wrestling matches in Turkey two season's back, decide to up the ante and make Ashley's disinterested suitors full-contact karate each other. This was actually pretty entertaining; at least the parts of it we got to see were. Ashley was certainly given a buff, in-shape bunch to ignore. No Gummy Bear body's like Palooka Craig in this bunch, and the only true beanpole in the cast, William the Wise, is being saved for sacrifice later. That means, Sunny Ryan; Mickey Finn; J.P., The Skinhead; Lucas the Enigma; Blake, the Smarmy Dentist; Nick and His Horrible Hair Highlights; Eraser Head Ames; and Constantine Hercules are going to be sent into the ring to pummel one another.
Ashley greets them at a Muy Thai boxing gym where the boys are put through some legitimate-looking paces by some hardassed Thai instructors. Say what you will, but these jokers are in shape, not just pretty boys. Push-up contests complete, they are loaded into the back of an unglamorous van and taken to a public boxing ring. They unload and see two real Thai boxers going at it. One slips his opponent, and throws a mean-looking back elbow to the face and KO's his competitor. The sound of swallowing can be audibly heard from the boys. Ashley starts to mumble her own doubts about the wisdom of this contest as well: Thank god Bentley isn't here! He might get his hair mussed!

The producers, sadistic, but not (yet) homicidal maniacs, pair the boys up by relative size and here we go:

Lucas the Enigma vs. Blake the Smarmy Dentist:

This one was a great start; a tough Texan from the oil fields against a dentist, but the dentist is ripped and appeared no stranger to the ring. They both show good chops, but Blake starts landing heavy blows quickly and scores a 1-round TKO. Props to the suit-filler. That was pretty good. Props to the Texan as well. He man's up with no hesitation: "He put me down--put me down hard too!" Cool. Ashley greets Lucas as he staggers out of the ring: "You did really well, too." I'm sure that made him feel loads better, Ash. Tell him size doesn't matter while you're at it.

Mickey Finn vs. J.P., the Skinhead:

What looked like an early mismatch with the 5'9" or so, 185 lbs. or so, Mickey with the clear advantage over the 5'6" 165 or 70, J.P. quickly becomes a fight. Mickey scores early and hard but swings himself out in no time and J.P. comes rallying back with some solid shots and a kick to the ribs to score a TKO. Well done, men! J.P. gets to stress in a private interview that the "Long Island Jewish Boy KO'd the Irish Kid." Wow, despite Ashley's moping, this is starting to look pretty good.

Sunny Ryan and Eraser Head Ames:

 The comic relief portion of our evening. Sunny Ryan, the insincere solar energy dork takes on the sushi-eating finance 'droid, Eraser Head Ames. Ames, suitably attired in pink trunks and gloves, mewls in private interviews that he has never been in a fight in his life. Ryan the dork, on the other hand, must have spent endless hours trying to protect himself from bullies. They start and Ames barely moves from his corner. Ryan closes in, and doubtlessly still smiling, starts swinging away. One miraculously lands on Ames' headgear and Ames grips his huge protoskull and all but says, "Owwwweeey!" They skip through the myriad of missed punches and holding as the fight ends and Ames is defeated on points. Stumbling from the ring, the permanent grin missing from his face, Ames sits down on the bench staring sightlessly ahead.

Blake prompts my impending excitement: "Now its time for the heavyweights!"

Nick and His Horrible Hair Highlights vs. Constantine Hercules:

Nick and Constantine, both somewhere in the neighborhood of 6' 4', about 225 or 230 pounds get set to do battle and I order up a bowl of popcorn from the Wench Queen, who tells me to get stuffed, I can get my own. The bell rings and the boxing...vanishes? What!? Yep, I'm sad to report that it was time for an endless montage of Eraser Head Ames staring sightlessly ahead and drooling into his own lap. Oh, c'mon Fleiss! Really?! We needed to see Ashley running to summon a Ring Doctor and a stretcher cam view up Ames' tutu into his junk box? Fine, fine, but put the damn boxing back on! Nope, we get two nanoseconds of the fight--one showing Constantine landing a body shot, and another as he gets his hand raised in victory as Nick stands there smiling, clearly beaten but unbowed. Wow, all so I can see Ames' jockstrap? This show leads the world in suckatude. No matter, I'll catch the finals now that Ames is in the hospital. 

Uh, no. The boxing is gone, replaced by Ashley's continued whining about Ames and You Know Who. Beautiful. Turns out, there was more boxing, we just weren't shown it. Spoilers say that Blake took on Ryan in the finals and KO'd him. The spoilers also say that before that, J.P. and Constantine decided to "bow out." I think that's a delicate way of saying that J.P. took a glance at the bracket match-ups, looked at Constantine realizing he sported him about 8 inches and 50 lbs of anodized steel muscles and shouted "Ohhh, Fuck That!" The producers, their ambulance quota filled for the night and desperate to keep alive the one man Ashley has shown middling interest in, called off the massacre. Shame though, it would have been cool to follow J.P.'s severed, shaved head on its ballistic arc as it cratered into the Mexican desert after Constantine punched him. This show is just a Debbie Downer this season, I swear. Anyway, Ashely takes them back to the gimme' hotel and they sit around the pool.  Sunny Ryan gets to confirm the spoilers by showing off some facial swelling we KNOW Ames never caused, and Blake, his face completely unmarked, gets the date rose. Ashley spends the whole time mewling about Ames and how worried she is about him and the rest of her time....oh, I think you know. Ames does manage to put in an appearance and confirms the doctors have successfully reattached his grin and have diagnosed him with a slight concussion. How? He was wearing a headgear rig and Ryan was wearing 12 lb. gloves? Mike Tyson shouldn't have been able to concuss him with that gear. Not to mention the fact that Michelle Money hit the toilet seat rim harder last season when she passed out dead drunk than Ryan hit Ames. I guess it didn't take much to knock Ames' positronic brain matrix askew. Its at this time that several of the boys hit Ashley with some long overdue straight talk. Her insecurities in bloom, she asks a few leading questions and gets some blunt answers. Blake tells her that to this point, he's gotten nothing from her, and when she asks Constantine if he has bonded more with the other guys than with her, he says, "I'd have to say yes. We haven't spent enough time together." Constantine is then showed holding court with the lads and saying with sincerity, "Hey, its true. If by the time the families are called into this, if I can't say there is a strong connection, then well...I mean meeting my family is serious business to me." I know that some other bloggers think this guy is boring (Hey, look at what he's working with here!) but as far as I'm concerned, this guy is a straight-up normal guy. Hey Fleiss, there's your next Bachelor! The guy is handsome, honest, and appears to be a leader. Skip the cheesmachine wanna-be's and disingenuous grinners: Hire him!

Poling Ashley on a Raft

When the boxers were called to stand to, two names were conspicuously absent: Jowly Ben Chipmunk and Cheesemachine avatar, William the Wise. Linear Trigonometry is not required to see that they will be the victims of the two-on-one somebody-can-suck-it date. She meets them at some zoo park called "Elephant Life Experience" whatever the hell that is so we can see constant irritant, William, planning Ben's downfall. They pole her down a river on a flat raft and the second he gets Ashley alone, 'ol Cheesy starts poisoning the well against Ben. "Well, I just heard from others that Ben molests small furry animal in his spare time and was actually part of the Nixon Administration." Ashley waits scarcely a minute before she sits them both down and cuts Ben immediately. I was thinking Ben was getting the bums rush there for a minute until he all but confirms that he has been pondering aloud how much he's gonna' score in the online dating scene thanks to this show. Will gleefully rubs his hands together like a modern-day Simon Legree, delighted that he has sabotaged his competition, but a smile is coming to my lips as we hear Ashley say rather nastily that William thinks he's safe for some reason. Pretty easy to see what's coming now and also easy to see how and why William escaped elimination for 2 weeks after the Roast debacle; she wanted to do it in person. Over dinner, she tells the disingenuous dork, "I've been wanting to see if that spark was still there, but its not." Will goggles at her and she coldly tells him, "I'll walk you out!" Ha! Ha! Good one, Ash. Best move of the first four weeks by far. Nothing like the 'ol double-dump. William, ever the loser, decides to mine Ashley's playbook and run himself into the ground by decrying what a zero he is. And I thought she sounded pathetic. Sheesh! Au Revoir, Cheesemachine wanna-be...and don't let the limo door hit you on the way out. Enjoy your trip back to cell phone salesman hell.

Yes, Yes, Just Call the Son of a Bitch Back!

Unable to stand anymore of Ashley's whining about Bentley, the producers pry Harrison loose from whatever legal trouble I'm sure he was in and send him into the pow wow room to lead Ashley to the conclusion that Big Head Bentley must be brought back. I never thought I'd say it: but I'm happy he's coming back. The sooner I see him again, the quicker I can stop seeing and hearing about him forever! 

Already Safe: Vino Ben and Blake, the Smarmy Dentist

Roses:

1) Constantine--damn right!

2) Lucas, the Enigma--damn right again!

3) J.P., the Skinhead--Got to keep his head.

4) Eraser Head Ames--Thank you for wearing a blue blazer to a flannel shirt evening filled with manly warrior-types. 

5) Mickey Finn--Got KO'd but hangs on another week.

6) Sunny Ryan--1 and 1, but got a KO. Yeah, it was over Ames, who a piano teacher could have ko'd, but we'll count it.

Dumped: Heavyweight contender Nick and His Horrible Hair Highlights. Faces the specter of a return to being a "personal trainer" flirted with by 60 year-old married women. I'd cry too, bub.

Next Week: The polluted, overcrowded hellhole of Hong Kong and the return of Godzilla, the flame breathing douchetard. See ya then.








Tuesday, June 14, 2011

6/13-This Week's Forecast: Painfully "Sunny" with a 100% Chance of Bentley

Meet Bilbo Douche-Baggins
What does one call a giant-skulled, hairy-headed and malicious hobbit?









I suppose it was inevitable. Mike Fleiss and his seedy gang know that bad boys sell. Just when I thought we were free of the flea known as Big Head Bentley, he just hangs around and rains on the parade. There's going to be no avoiding this guy. Speaking of rain, I have two words for whatever booking agent Fleiss hired to plan this year's trips: Monsoon Season. Look it up; read it; memorize it. Anyway, with this season probably already busted, no matter how much Bentley-drama is tossed our way, we should at least get a nice a view of Asia. Well we would if it were not Monsoon Season! It rains less in Seattle, Fleiss. What's next, summer frolics in the Persian Gulf? Long cuddly January evenings in Antarctica? Buy an atlas, you idiot.

The Wingman Gets a Wild Hair!

Yes, yes. Chris Wingman Harrison comes stumbling into the mansion, levels the hangover gang with a steely glare and announces:

"Ashley and I don't think we can have a clean start here, so pack your bags--we're leaving the mansion for good! Our first stop is Phuket, Thailand!"


The boys jump for joy because they also have no idea its Monsoon Season! in Thailand. That wild and crazy Harrison, a forest full of wild hairs sticking out his ass, running around and planning overseas adventures alone with Ashely. You crazy kids. I'll bet you had the producers in a wild scramble trying to book a flight. Say what you will about Harrison, but this guys middle name should be spontaneous. I'm starting to think they only do bits like this in the off chance some person in a coma might suddenly awake bursting out laughing at the stupidity of it. Anyway, the boys whoop and holler and quickly board a charter.

Ashley is already waiting for them, lounging back in a Thai junk as it floats over emerald green water, her bikini top in full display as she catches a few rays of Monsoon! That looked natural. Rain spatters her as the helicopter swings around and some stagehand screams over a bullhorn for her to hold the pose despite the driving downpour. Hey, nobody said paying off those Dental School loans was gonna be easy, dear. As the boys all whoop it up off the airplane and check into a beachside bungalow, Ashley visits this week's product-placement gimme, a place called The Renaissance--a spa and resort in Phuket. Ashley makes like a local and dresses like a Thai prostitute and has a sit-down with some hapless Asian woman at the front desk of the The Renaissance. The poor woman--whose desk plate insisted she was "The Navigator"--sounded like she spoke all of three words of English. No matter, Ashley was supposed to be planning her dates in Thailand. You know the dates I mean, the ones that have been planned for months. To keep up the fiction, Ashley sits down and asks what there is to do in Thailand. The Navigator gets her lines cut. Good thing too. "Nothing during Monsoon Season, stupid American bitch! What? You want malaria? Go put some clothes on! We don't let hooker-girl work here!" Satisfied she has some amazing dates planned, Ashley departs in another downpour.

Constantine Speaks at Last...Then Won't Shut Up.

Back at the crashpad, the first date card has arrived and J.P., the Skinhead hops up and reads off the name of Constantine Hercules. The formerly silent one gets his chance to speak. Seeing the weather rolling in, he doesn't even bother to dress up. Wearing orange baggies and a tank top, an umbrella toting Constantine wanders outside to meet an umbrella-carrying Ashley. Ashley tells him they are supposed to go kayaking or something that's never gonna happen. To try and con the audience that Monsoon Season just showed up unexpectedly at the last second, Fleiss sends some tiny Thai dude to come running up to tell them that the monsoon will unexpectedly cancel the date Ashley worked so hard to plan. The poor old joker doesn't speak a work of English and after messing with subtitles a minute, he resorts to gestures that say: Boat go BOOM, stupid Americans! Back at the pad, Blake, the smarmy dentist gets a moment to bitterly wish Constantine the worst. "I hope it rains," which is about as big a stretch as going to Death Valley and damning a competitor with a curse of sunshine. It also gives J.P., the Skinhead, who's been shaping up as a fan favorite, a chance to start looking obsessive and a little creepy over Ashley.

Faced with absolutely nothing to do, Fleiss plucks a page from the tried and worn playbook and orders the twosome to wander around Phuket pestering the locals for dating advice. Its a page out of last year's script where Brad Womack took hottie undertaker Shawntel Munster for a few laps around Anguilla when they had nothing to do. But instead of pestering fat Rastafarian women, they pester another old Thai dude about love. The old man starts yammering away about his 37 years of marriage when Constantine acts like Aladdin and wishes for a translator. Poof! A young Thai woman appears at his elbow and starts translating. The old joker makes like Mr. Miyagi to Ashley's Daniel-san and starts dispensing love advice. "Forgive easily; don't try to win." Sage advice. Sage advice no American under the age of forty will ever follow either. Its all about "Winning!" even when you're losing. Just ask Charlie Sheen. Fresh out of locals to pester, Constantine and Ashley...run down the street? As darkness falls, Fleiss finds them a dry canopy to huddle under and to show just how desperate they are to film Ashley doing anything besides comparing the remaining men to Big Head Bentley, the producers resort to having them hold a normal conversation. Constantine, after being muzzled the last 2 weeks, yammers on pretty good. He comes across as a normal guy. Him and Ashley? Eh. Ashley still looks crushed and pines away about Bilbo Douche-Baggins at every opportunity. Constantine gets the rose for being a good sport anyway. No kissing is shown and they finally wander off into the rain. Boring.

Some Bachelor "Charity"

While Constantine and Ashley have been enjoying the rain, the Group Date card has arrived. Ben Chipmunk, J.P., the Skinhead, Blake, the smarmy dentist, Mickey Finn, The Wild West, Vino Ben, Nick and His Horrid Hair Highlights, Lucas the Enigma, William the Wise, and Sunny Ryan have their names called to go do some charity work around Thailand. This leaves the Ivy League finance 'droid, Eraser Head Ames, holding the last chance for some one-on-one malaria. The boys all speed off to a nearby orphanage where Ashley awaits them in the rain. She bangs on about the tsunami a few years back and all the orphans it created. And since these kids haven't suffered enough, they are to be the object of some Bachelor Charity. The charity takes the form of a host of well educated men who nothing about manual labor painting their orphanage a wide array of hideous colors. The actual point of the exercise isn't really to punish orphans, its just an excuse to introduce the next theme of the season now that Bentley is back in Utah (for the moment) receiving death threats: its to let us all know that Sunny Ryan is a constant irritant to the other men. Ashley wanders around looking broken-hearted while all the men lambast Ryan as a bossy, relentlessly upbeat dork. The boys all paint the room under Ryan's expert tutelege. In a side room, Vino Ben has decided to add a mural to the wall he's painting and Ashley joins him. Ben has decided to paint something that looks a little like an elephant. No, more like a hybrid: an elephant-pottamus. "I can't paint," Ben needlessly informs us as Ashley joins him and paints a pretty flower just to let us know that she wears the painting pants in this relationship. This was an act of charity? I can just imagine the nightmares the Thai kids will have over that mural. They finally bring out some bikes and the producers release the kids they have kept caged up out back so J.P., the Skinhead can gush about what a life changing experience this has been. (How about a few iPads for them, Fleiss? You tightass.) As darkness mercifully falls and the Thai orphans snuggle into their new bunk beds keeping one eye on the elephant-pottamus that's about to leap off their wall and attack them, Ashley takes the guys back to the Renaissance to sit around the pool and let them whine about what a dick Ryan is, and she can whine about how much she misses You-Know-Who. William the Wise, henceforth mercifully silent after last weeks suicidal idiocy at the Roast, predicts Ryan is definitely "top 4." There's no hiding a genius. Vino Ben gets a few seconds alone with the gal and nets a kiss, while J.P., the Skinhead worries Ashley since he's been "stand-offish" all day. She needn't have worried. J.P. likes her...maybe too much. They gush about orphans and she marvels at his shaved head and they make out. "J.P. is the best kisser here!" (Oh god. Lets hope she picked him then. If not, some other guy just threw his beer at his television screen and screamed "whore!") Ashley meets with Sunny Ryan and you begin to feel that if Bentley did nothing, he may have sharpened up her radar. She quizzes him about how well he gets along with the others and he insists "Fine!" Blake, the smarmy dentist, begs to differ. With some producer-prompting, Blake confronts Ryan and tells him he is either a phony or one of those relentlessly golly-gee types who drives everyone nuts. Ryan just keeps repeating, "Really? Really?" Just to impress upon our minds what a dick Ryan is, when Ashley emerges from her rounds and fingers the flower, Ryan butts in and hauls her away for a last second ass kissing that was needless, desperate, and obviously producer-prompted. Like it mattered. She returns and roses Vino Ben for being a normal person. Date over.


Eraser Head Ames' Love Sonnet to Himself

While Ashely was moping in the rain with the other turds, highly educated finance bot, Eraser Head Ames, has been told by the suddenly talkative Constantine Hercules that he needs to charge his batteries and buff his porcelain veneers cause he and Ashley are going to venture out into the rain together. She awaits him with the usual umbrella in hand and they go out onto a skiff where the producers make them stand on the bow and get a face full of monsoon. Once they take a dinghy into some hidden coves, we add a little more knowledge to our Ames file. We've already heard that he has 5 graduate-level college degrees and runs marathons. To that we add that he has visited 70 countries and has one facial expression: a grin. As they dine back at the Renaissance, we also learn this is his second trip to Phuket and he also slacks around at work. "I found a class at work on the internet and decided, why wait? So I came here the next day to take a cooking class." Now how gay is that? Self absorbed there much, Ames? Ashley, who gives every impression she intended to dump him before the date started, starts to sound and look impressed. Slow down, Ash, and try and think like you're thirty-five instead of twenty-five. Older people could hear this scenario going off in their heads:
Ring
"Honey, did you pick up the milk on your way home? You're late."
"Uh, well, you remember that dinner party on Saturday? Well, we're supposed to be having smoked mackrel."
"Yeah, so?"
"I was just wasting my employers time at work and saw there was a great class on Finnish cooking..."
"Where are you!?"
"Helsinki!"
Click.
Ames, his face stuck on grin, manages to show off his big vocab and cheesy poetic sayings, and before you know it, she ups and hands over the flower. Once again, no kissing. And its a good thing too. If Ames' forehead and Ashley's forehead ever got together in a meaningful way, the poor child would have a Tenhead. Date over.

Monsoon Cocktail Bore

Ashley comes into the party whining about Bentley one more time and then sits down with some of the lesser lights so they can get their two minutes and thirty-seconds worth of fame. First up is erstwhile attorney, The Wild West, he of the dead wife. Ashley quizzes him about being ready to move forward and despite saying all the right things, one assumes his end is about nigh. Next comes fellow shyster, Lucas, the Enigma. They talk about his divorce and he hits her with what no woman wants to hear: he got divorced because he fell out of love. (You mean like you will with me?) Trying to cover, he lies, "I've never quit on anything in my life!" Yeah, except your first marriage. Next! But all of this is just chaff for the other big theme of the show, namely that Sunny Ryan is a phony dickhead. Blake blasts him some more and when he sits down with Ashley and for a P. I. the guy is clearly pissed. Busy to prove Blake and the others are right, Ryan phony smiles through his anger and sarcastically defends being happy. "Well excuse my crime," he seethes with a fake grin. "There are men being mortared in Afghanistan. What do I have to be unhappy about?" Fair point; just being such a wad how you show it, dude. Just to show Blake, the producers, and me that he won't be stopped, Ryan fake-smiles, closes his eyes, scrunches up his face, and expels a fart the exact shape and color of Snow White. Magical.

Finally...and I do mean finally, the wingman enters tinging his champagne glass calling the crashing bore off.

Producer Ass Covering

Harrison hauls Ashley aside for a sit down and prompts her to whine about Bentley a little more. Ashley quickly verifies that she had, two weeks in, already picked Bentley and was ready to be done with the rest of these guys instantly. More good news for whoever she picked. Claiming her mood is better and she now sees the men in a whole new Bentley-less light, she asks to add a rose to the ceremony.
"There are no rules," Harrison keeps cawing like the producer-parrot he is. "Like us showing you what a wad Bentley is," is left unsaid.

Harrison lines them up, produces and extra rose from the rose vault, and here we go.

Safe: Eraser Head Ames, Vino Ben, and Constantine Hercules.

Roses:
1) Lucas the Enigma--Yee Haw! (No, I didn't make that up.)
2) Sunny Ryan--Maybe he's gonna' teach her how to fart in cartoon? If he does, you know it will look like Bentley.
3) J.P., the Skinhead--lets back off on the creepy meter, fella.
4) Nick--Emergency trip to the hairdresser is needed! Horrible Hair Highlights fading.
5) Mickey Finn--zzzzzzzzz.
6) Blake, the Smarmy Dentist--rewarded for being this week's producer-stooge.
7) William the Wise--mercifully almost mute
8) Ben Chipmunk--we actually needed an extra rose?

Dumped: The Wild West--time to head East.

Next Week: More Thai monsoons! God, this one was a snoozefest. Evidently Harrison is all over twitter trying to convince people that Bilbo Douche-Baggins will be back next week. I can hardly wait. See ya then.









Tuesday, June 7, 2011

6/6--You're Kidding; These Guys are Still Single?

Dead Man Walking

"I Think the Fastest Way to a Woman's Heart is to Insult the Living Shit Out of Her!"








Heh, heh, heh. Amazing, isn't it? Men are a pretty dim lot. But young men? Ha, ha. Dumb as bricks. How hard is this, fellas? There are three basic rules of things you must not do when wooing a woman. No, no, not anything complicated like: don't get drunk and throw-up over at her parent's house or any advanced concepts like that. I mean the easy stuff--stuff even a man/boy should have learned before he was given a high school diploma. I'll type slowly so any young men reading this can understand:

The Captain's Basic Rules for Not Instantly Wrecking Your Relationship

Rule 1: Never make fun of your woman except in private and be prepared to buy her flowers even if you do.

Rules 2: Positively never make fun of anything about your woman--her hair, her tits, her fingernails. If you must make fun of anything about her--whisper it--then buy her flowers and something expensive.

Rule 3: If you must make fun of her anyway: shoot yourself. It will be quicker and less painful than what awaits you.

If on the other hand, you decide to blast her in public AND on national television, douse yourself with honey and stake yourself to a fire ant mound. Other men will gather around you, nodding with utmost solemnity and understanding and help to tie you down. It's part of the code, like setting fire to your boat at a Viking Funeral. The crowd could have gathered around several of these lads last night, as they busied themselves with the romantic techniques of publicly humiliated a woman they wanted to date. How painful was that? It was like watching a mass suicide... committed with a spork. I'm sure most people are focusing on the human cesspool who is Big Head Bentley and his malicious douchebaggery, but what blew my mind was just how stupid are these guys? Jeffery Ross--"Roastmaster General"? Seriously?

Let the Ratings Bonanza Begin

The producers of this crap can howl all they like about how they were fooled by Bentley and his sociopathic douchebagginess, but who are they kidding? This episode was solid gold ratings. They kick it off by sending in their favorite stooge, the wingman. Chris Harrison ambles into the mansion in a warm-up suit and lays out the coming disaster before splitting to get in 18 holes. This week will feature 3 dates--one group date and two 1-on-1 spectaculars, but mostly it will feature the emotional demolition of Ashley Hebert--as their promos have giddily previewed. Quickly previewing the episode, Harrison drops the date card and departs in a flash so they can fit in as many scenes of Ashley crying as possible. The date card informs Ben Chipmunk to stop storing walnuts in his huge jowls and get ready to dance his passionate ass off.

Flash Mob

I know I'm old, but when I heard Ashley say she had planned a "Flash Mob" to surprise Ben Chipmunk, I thought she had planned a riot. She helps me understand that a flash mob is going to a public place and pre-planned, people show up in mass and and perform a choreographed dance. Well there's nothing dumb about that. Anyway, she hauls Ben to a dance studio and teaches him some dance, then they go to a public park and sit down on a blanket while onlookers gawk. Ben C., not being the sharpest tool in the shed, agrees to stand up and do their dance together in the park like two mimes. I would have stared at Ashley and asked if she were crazy. But Ben man's up and starts dancing away acapella. Suddenly, music breaks out, and then a flash mob joins them and they all dance like life is a 60's Disney Movie. Hoorah! Such giddy fun. Turns out their lame dance is an excuse for some Asian thug mob to come out and lip sync their latest smash hit. The thugs finish scratching an old record and the gathered crowd chants "kiss, kiss" so Ashley and Jowly have a smooch. As darkness falls, Ashley and Ben head to a Hilton rooftop by the pool to eat and give Ben the chance to talk at the speed of an auctioneer. Blasting through a punctuation-less stream of blabber, Ben sets off the few red flags Ashley is equipped with by painting an completely unrealistic vision of what marriage is supposed to be like. I'll try to transcribe:
"Iwanttoliveinabubblewithawomanwheretheworldjustgoesawaybecauseitsallsoooooooooospecial!!!"
Ashley cringes but must have promised the producers ahead of time and sullenly fingers the rose before handing it over. One very lame date; over.

Remove Mask, Insert Personality. We're Waiting...We're Still Waiting

While Ashley was morosely giving Ben Chipmunk a rose, a second date card has arrived back at the creepy mansion. You know its creepy because the masked specter of the Phantom of the Opera is haunting a balcony in broad daylight. Pipe organ music blares as the masked D-bag sometimes known as Jeff, tells us he needs a few minutes with Ashley before the date so he can take off his ridiculous mask and show her just how old-looking he is. As soon as Ashley shows up at the mansion, the Phantom hauls her outside, bores her with his weird personality, and then with every imaginable cheesy sound and visual effect inserted, takes off the mask to reveal...an old guy with a five o'clock shadow.

"Hi, I'm Jeff," he announces dramatically.

"Ewww! You're old as shit!" she obviously wants to scream, but manages to hold it until a Private Interview.

Roasting Your Chances With Your Date

The other guys stare outside and giggle since even a group this dumb can see him striking out from 50 feet away. The mask now dropped, they all pile into a stretch Hummer and head out to a comedy club. The club houses a very fat and burned-out looking Jeffrey Ross, who has put on a couple a hundred kilos in the decade or so since his career took a dive into the nearest crapper. Since then, Ross has dubbed himself the Roastmaster General instead of the more accurately named Washed-Up Loser, and is haunting around looking for work. Honestly folks, if you ever doubted just how little the producers care about seeing a love match, this should do it. Any first, second, or fortieth date where the main focus of a suitor is to rag, denounce, and take a crap on their date is designed by sadists, not people looking to pop a cork at the coming wedding. The boys are herded around and Ross demonstrates his trademarked style of Jokes Without Punchlines by offering to fill Ashley the dentists cavity for her. What a card. What a joke machine this guy is. The example offered, the boys are given 15 minutes to perfect their routines and take a few shots of Crown Royal while Fleiss and Co. kidnap some lost tourists to fill Ross' normally vacant club. Now, it's suicide time. A few actually recognized that light at the end of the tunnel for the locomotive it was and and swerved to avoid it. Others did not.

  • Lucas the Enigma shows that mystery or not, he's not an idiot, by slamming Eraser Head Ames for having a gargantuan forehead, and ignoring Ashley's prodigious brow.
  • Sunny Ryan, the relentlessly upbeat solar energy dork decides to spare everyone insult or laughs, and proves to the world it should never fear Armageddon from a Solar Bomb; they explode only with the sound of crickets.
  • Eraser Head Ames fires back at the weakest target--the former Phantom--with a cocktail napkin mask.
  • Blake, the smarmy dentist is the only one to actually show any wit by launching a single joke that sprays ever competitor pretty well, but leaves Ashley out of it. Points to the suit filler.
  • Its left up to the now unmasked D-bag, Jeff, to take aim at Ashley's tiny tits and launch some lameness.
  • Vino Ben and Nick and His Horrible Hair Highlights, decide that since the mask ragged their date, well, then doggone it! it must be ok, and the focus becomes her miniscule chest. Ashley claps and tries to act like it doesn't bother her.
  • The stage now set, comedian wanna-be, William the Wise, decides its more important to try and impress Jeffrey Ross, a crowd of strangers, and any watching talent scout than dating Ashley by blasting her to the moon. A sampling: Ashley is a "Womack leftover", he only came on the show because he thought Chantal or Emily were going to the Bachelorette; and wonders why he is competing for a "flat-chested Bachelor runner-up."
Ashley's face crashes to the stage and the crowd boos and gasps. By the third riff, I started to slink lower into my chair. To my side, the Wench Queen gasps. By the fifth strafing shot, she is squeaking and about to tear up with Ashley and her sister across the room is snarling. Damn this idiot! He's about to get ME into trouble! Both women gnash their teeth while I sink down low and avoid the waves of hatred coursing through my living room. Guilt by association is threatening. Any person with a penis is now guilty of callousness and hatefulness. I move to deflect the outrage by declaring William a "deadman." Whew! Close call. William sits down looking at the crestfallen Ashley and compounds his idiocy by trying to defend himself. "Its a roast, not a love on Ashley contest!" This was like watching a guy grab a live hornet's nest and cram it down over his own head. I was just grateful it wasn't me. Idiot!

The next time we see Ashley she is sitting in a darkened corner of the now empty club bawling. It's time for the true male asshole, Big Head Bentley, to display his edited and very real awfulness. William is just a famemongering idiot, but this guy is borderline evil. Deciding he will buck Ashley up so he can "mess with her head", Bentley swoops in to offer false comfort. The rest of the night is going to be a one man contest where Bentley tries to up himself on just how callous, arrogant, and downright mean he can be. Saying much about this performance is needless; if you are reading this, you saw it. It was a new low in sadist fame-seeking. The guy obviously had a sick agenda of some sort. I'll keep my assessment of Bentley short and to the point: This guy needs his ass kicked! Badly! I think that will cover it.

The "Party"

Joy buzzers for all. Ashley arrives crushed and crying. She tells the boys her greatest fear was that they would all see it was her instead of Emily or Chantal and get back in the limos and leave. Yeah, she may have self-esteem issues, but this smackdown was needless. The producers can suck me. This was their fault; they scheduled a date whose only purpose was to humiliate their insecure Star, and allowed Bentley onto this show to promote his worthless, sadistic ass. They got their ratings, I'm sure. Anyway, various dudes make their pitches to the crestfallen Ashley and William cries like the idiotic turd he is an runs away bawling and threatening to go home like a three year-old. Unfunny dork though he may be, Sunny Ryan earns a kiss and a rose for trying to give comfort, and Big Head Bentley maneuvers around to try and wriggle deeper under Ashley's skin before he trashes her. Glorious. Ashley, weak and vulnerable after the kicking lets us know she is "in love with Bentley". He holds her head in his lap and smirks at the camera. Mercifully, date over.

Bentley's Big Exit

Must I? Nope. He sucks and I don't want to.

J.P the Skinhead Tries to Ride to the Rescue

The dating must go on. A thoroughly shattered Ashley, who has cried herself into oblivion over the departed Bentley, awaits the scheduled JP, the Skinhead with all the enthusiasm of a corpse at her house. If anything fancy had been planned, the producers had enough sense to change it. J.P, equipped with a producer supplied bouquet, arrives at Ashley's rental where she greets him. Completely shot, Ashley finally asks for a slum around night and they change into pajamas and make out. Give JP credit, he did his best, but how much could anyone have done after this?

Cocktail Party Skip

Ashley arrives at her room of deliberation, stares at the picture of Bentley, and starts bawling again while the boys all wait out front cooling their heels. I wonder if they had any idea just how bad this was? The wingman slithers into the deliberation room behind Ashley and has a sit down with her. He weakly tries to steer her away from Bentley without bothering to show her the endless footage of him ragging her and laughing about what a fool she was. "What do you want to do? I already told you, there are no rules." Harrison covers his own ass.

"Except your contract," a producer snarls as a reminder.

"No party," Ashley begs. "I'm just exhausted."

Rose Time:

Safe: Sunny Ryan, JP The Skinhead, Jowly Ben Chipmunk

Roses:
1) Constantine the Utterly Silent--hasn't said three words but keeps scoring roses
2) West--about time to head east.
3) Mickey Finn--boring beats mean or stupid every time
4) Vino Ben--Can he recover from the tit jokes? Will it matter anyway?
5) Blake the Smarmy Dentist--Funny, but you get the feeling it doesn't matter anyway.
6) Nick and his Godawful Hair Highlights--filling in the numbers
7) Eraser Head Ames--didn't hurt himself
8) Lucas the Enigma--ditto
9) William the Wise--shows how bad the last two were.

Dumped: Jeff, the unmasked D-bag and Chris, the unexceptional.

So now, with 8 weeks to go, if Ashley recovered enough to pick anyone, the guy is getting a ringside seat to sit and watch just how much she had fallen for Douche Head Bentley and share her humiliation. He also gets to relive the entire nightmare along with her and their relationship can follow Jeffery Ross' career into the nearest latrine. The Bachelorette, and its dubious record of relationship successes rolls on. Next week, the boys take Ashley's shattered emotional remains to East Asia. I'll tag along and report back.