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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Bachelor Recap 11/ 5--Faster than a Speeding Bullet.

I hope you didn't blink on Monday night because if you did, you missed the Bachelor and this week was the fantasy dates. Is this a clue that the Bachelor and his lady are no longer an item? I have no idea. I've about given us guessing too. I think after years of sleazing up America, Producer Mike Fleiss has finally rounded the bend and cracked up. He produces a show seen by between eight and ten million people weekly but he has obviously become obsessed with defeating a couple of hundred idiots like me who hang out on posting boards and try and figure out who the winner is; even at the expense of the coherence of the story he's trying to tell. It ain't normal...or even sane. Anyway, because ABC is delighted with it's new series, Samantha Who?, they have decided to shoehorn an entire Bachelor episode in 45 minutes. Like I said, don't blink. Samantha Who? You mean Al Bundy's daughter? Who cares.

Since it will all pass us by at light speed I'll type fast. Brad awaits Jenni--the relentlessly perky one--at a water park in Cabo San Lucas. It turns out all of the the fantasy dates will be in Cabo. Normally, the girls get extravagant dates in places like separate European capitals. But this year all three gals get stuck in one resort in Mexico and get told not to drink the water. Nice. This season couldn't have been produced for less money if they filmed it in Fleiss' backyard (and you better be careful they just might have.) So before Jenni gets a case of Montezuma's Revenge, Brad takes her to swim with the dolphins. How cute. How politically correct. How nauseating. Brad, god bless him, looks about as comfortable hanging out with the dolphin as he would have if Fleiss had dressed him in drag and told him to sing like Carmen Miranda. Brad is a guy. A ball scratching, beer farting guy. We don't swim with dolphins; we watch them play on Sundays. Argh. Jenni, however, digs it. She (say it all together now) DANCES with the dolphin. She did!? I wonder why?! Is Jenni a dancer?! Why didn't you say so? Jeesh.

Brad shakes off the dolphin blues and takes Jenni to dinner where she giggles a lot and talks in her baby voice. Just when I'm expecting to be bored, Jenni drops the demure act in favor of the Jenna Jameson act, "I believe you have something good in your pocket for me and I want it!" She almost undresses Brad at the table to get the fantasy date card out of his pocket too. Brad, being a hairy, ball-scratching, beer-farting dude, tosses the card on the floor, looks right into the camera and says, "Well, Grandma, you wanted to know about our sex; just stay tuned!" Then he takes her upstairs and breaks it off in her. Well, actually he didn't do any of that but it would have been cool if had--especially telling Jenni's sleazy old grandma that he was about to score. They do go up to the suite, however, and Fleiss does everything in his editing power to lead us all to believe that they get it on.

Next up Brad meets Bettina on a dock where a sail boat is moored. Truthfully, the Queen Mary could have moored at that dock and it wouldn't have made any difference. After last week's hometown debacle watching these two go on a date is downright uncomfortable. They don't even seem to like each other very much. Brad and her go sailing for the sole reason of letting Bettina show off her goddess-body one more time before she gets dumped. And show it off she does. Plenty of shots of her in a bikini along with some of the most ridiculous conversation this season. Bettina tries to convince him that her family really didn't shit all over him like it seemed. Brad manages not to laugh and rather sadistically asks her if she's willing to move to Austin. Ewww, it's a good burn! I hope her dad enjoyed the view of him hauling her smokin' bod into the hot tub for some making out. Fleiss again tries to imply they got it on as well but I ain't buying. They shared their first kiss in the hot tub and I've seen hotter kisses on an afternoon soap. It was so uncomfortable it burned my eyes. There is something so incredibly wrong about a hunk of Texas Beefcake like Brad Womack and a Goddess-bod, California babe like Bettina Bell laying hands on each other and generating no heat. It's wrong. Like a violation of the third law of thermodynamics or something; it shouldn't happen. But it did.

Next up, Brad meets DeAnna for some dune buggy riding. Yes, you heard that right. Fleiss' idea of a romantic overnight date begins with a dune buggy race. Hey, beats the shit out of swimming with a dolphin. The weird (or cool, depending on your point of view) thing is that DeAnna seems to love the idea. She and Brad go racing and she kicks his ass. She also rubs it in with her formidable sarcasm. Brad's response? "She put me to shame. I love it!" Oh, please. Come on, Brad. Demographic research shows that two feminists in the entire northern hemisphere actually watch the Bachelor and apparently Brad is worried about pissing one of them off. I hope he doesn't believe he's fooling anyone. After all, we guys are known to love getting our asses HUGE-miliated by our girlfriends on national television in driving contests. A little truth serum and Brad would have been yelling, "Two out of three! Bitch, you cheated!" Men are such idiots.

Dinner follows and it looks like the same restaurant for each girl and the place has all the ambiance of a Taco Bell. But fast-food motif or not Dee Dee lays it on the line to Brad, "I'm falling in love with you." She basically tells him it was love at first sight. Brad either wants to blurt, "I love you too!" right back at her or wants to heave, I can't tell which. One thing I did notice about Dee Dee though, when she is nervous she blinks...a lot! When she was confessing her love to Brad her eyelashes were going like the wings of a hummingbird. It may be because she wears contacts or it's how she shows her nerves but its wild looking. Despite that, Brad invites her up to the suite and she gladly accepts.

Rose Ceremony time and I swore to myself I wouldn't mention the Wingman this week and it turns out I don't have to; he ain't there. Boy, talk about phoning one in. Anyway, the ceremony was as anti-climactic as it should have been. Jenni, looking stunning in a brown dress, gets the first rose. Then, with the Wingman absent without leave, Brad tries to infuse some badly needed drama into the proceeding by acting confused and uncertain. Smirking faces fill the living rooms of people all around the U.S. and Canada as Brad says, "DeAnna." Yeah, no kidding.

Brad leads a completely calm Bettina outside and they chat before he sticks her in a limo. Bettina is led away with the air of someone who just finished third in a spelling bee. She drops an "F" bomb and acts a little pissed. That's all. She was about as much into Brad as her dad was. What an odd chick.

Next week: The Women Tell All, or more accurately, Women Acting like Catty Bitches. Expect a very short recap. See ya then!

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