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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, October 29, 2007

The Bachelor 10/29--Hometown Hell

There's good news in Bachelor land. Due to the fact that the dates tonight are hometown dates, the ladies are not at Casa Kitty therefore the Wingman has even less to do than usual. If that's possible. Anyway, he manages to coax his throat muscles into action and gives us some very brief voice overs about the Meet The Parents version of the show this week. Now, ABC has, in its usual way, been pimping this show as containing one of the great hometown disasters in Bachelor history. Eh...we'll see.

First up Brad is off to Wichita, Kansas to meet the family of Jenni, the relentlessly perky one. In case you have forgotten, Jenni is a dancer. I'm sure you haven't forgotten because other than the fact that she has a modeling portfolio, we don't know anything else about her--except she's perky. And Brad thinks she's hot. Well Jenni meets Brad in one of her patented pink get ups and takes him inside a theater where she says she won her first dance competition. Showing some confidence, Jenni tells Brad that dancing is her "Passion. And I'm really good at it too." She should have told him louder. Jenni starts dancing like a cheerleader and Brad, god bless him, starts laughing his ass off. Jenni is athletic...and she is obviously a finely trained dancing athlete but cheerleader dancing outside a sports arena looks ridiculous. Brad holds it together and she manages not to punch him. It might be true love.

For the first time since the circus date Brad and Jenni talk. I mean talk, not neck. We have all been assuming that they talk a bunch but the producers cut it. Seems like they would have mentioned the long distance thing in the intervening weeks but apparently not. Jenni, in a very polite way, lets him know that dancing is something she must do. Brad takes it pretty well but he gets the message that, at least for now, dancing for the Phoenix Suns is first place, and he is definitely second. Ouch. Guys love that, trust me.

Then with the usual hack job editing their conversation ends abruptly and Jenni takes him to her mom's hair salon where Brad meets the family. Awaiting him are Jenni's mom, dad, look-a-like sister, and dun dun dun, Grandma! That's right. It's the thought-to-be-cute, relentlessly-crotchety-grandma. This is the part where most observers of this show start squealing, "Isn't she adorable!" Uh. No. I will never be able to understand why people think an old fart behaving like a manner-less savage is cute. If grandma had been fifteen years younger people would have talking about what a colossal bitch she was but since she's old enough to start drooling, her rudeness is cuddly. B.S.

Anyway, Brad sits down to a meal with the family and everyone appears nice but grandma has decided it's time to start grilling Brad, "Are you a drinker?" Brad, a glass of wine in front of him, dodges and talks about how boring he is. I suppose being dull is a gold standard with grandma. Brad then talks with Jenni's dad Richard about his brothers, their wives, and how they all want kids. Grandma then scoffs, "That little lady ain't no walkin' baby factory!" It's at this moment that I'm hoping Brad will take a piratical stance like old Barbarossa would and say something like, "You're absolutely right, grandma. But since she's gonna be my ball and chain how about you let me decide when to knock her up and chain her to my stove!" The previews actually showed grandma demanding to know about their sex. Gross. What was Brad supposed to do, whip it out at the dinner table so grandma could approve it? Yecch. But Brad just laughs diplomatically. Chicken.

During dinner dad tells Jenni that she's made the Phoenix Suns dance team again. That settles it. She's in Phoenix for one more year at least. Mom then spares Brad anymore of grandma's rude senility and takes him away for a shampoo. Once she gets him lathered up she asks him questions any sane person would, "Being in the bar business...you must meet a lot of...well, I mean why haven't you met the one..." Translation: "What is it bub, are you commitment-phobic or just gay?" Brad responds with some well rehearsed vocal Velvetta about work being a bad place to meet women of substance. Yep. Cheerleader-quality girls are probably hard to find in Austin, Texas. Anyway, dad then takes him outside for a man-to-man. I like dad. He's solid. The whole family is. Except grandma. She sucks. Go ahead and boo. I can take it. Argh!

Next up, Brad goes to California to see Sheena Knievel. She greets him on a marina dock and the two of them go out for a boat ride with her folks. Brad probably breathes easier when he sees they are only going tubing; no jet-ski's in sight. In case you've forgotten, the last time Brad was on the water with Sheena, she demonstrated an average 23 year-olds regard for her own mortality and nearly got both of them killed on jet-ski's. But this time the tubing goes smooth..it's the rest that goes kaflooey. Sheena doesn't get herself booted of the ocean and out of Brad's consideration this time...her mother does it for her.

Sheena's mom corners Brad and has one whacked out talk with him. I know, hard to believe that Brad ran into a whack job in California, (there's so few of them). I'd describe the conversation between Sheena's mom and Brad except its too weird for words. There was something about astrological signs and the big dipper you could reach up and touch and I do remember her saying that her and Sheena were "ready to commit." Huh? Does Brad get to bag them both? Is it a 2 for 1 special? What does Sheena's dad think of this? Anyway, the woman sounds like she's channeling Radio Venus on her porcelain veneers. Perhaps she's a NyQuil addict or something. When she says something about "let's go buy the ring," Brad nearly bolts for door. Sheena showed up and attempted to restore sanity but it was too late. I felt sorry for her. Brad drags her off to the hot tub and he kisses her...on the cheek. They have the sexual magnetism of an old Edsel. It's soon to be curtains for the Knievel clan.

Brad hopes for happier climes in Georgia with DeAnna and he finds them. Dee Dee greets him with a basket of peaches and he responds with a bottle of wine. Peaches? Georgia? Puhhleeze. Dee Dee is too hip a gal to greet him with a basket of peaches. Producers, please butt out. Thank you. Dee Dee leads him in to meet the family and unless you have a memory like grandma's, you know Dee Dee is Greek and since the Bachelor never met any cheese it didn't like Brad is suddenly surrounded by dancing, ouzo-drinking Greeks. It's My Big Fat Greek Cliche. Fortunately for Brad, its a huge step down on the loony meter from the Sheena date. Brad and Dee Dee Dad go have a talk. Dad is polite but firm when inquiring about his intentions vis-a-vis DeAnna. Dad's solid. Cool.

DeAnna then whips out the photo album and all those scenes with Dee Dee being brutally honest to the point of rudeness slip away. The catty bitchiness of Casa Kitty is forgotten as Dee Dee shows Brad pics of her mother who passed away when Dee Dee was 12. Dee even closes the album early and tells Brad, "That's all for now. You can see the rest the next time you come." Solid gold. Fleiss knew he had this. He could afford to let her fight with Jade and look a bit brutal in her honesty--he knew he had mom waiting in the wings. The negative edit continues to melt as Dee meets privately with her sister and confesses that she will be "totally crushed if he doesn't pick her." Brad actually kisses her goodbye but the visit is short. Much shorter than Jenni's. What does it mean? Who knows.

Brad now heads for Washington, D.C. and if you believe the over-hyped promos Brad is going to meet his waterloo. We'll see about that. Bettina greets Brad in old sweat pants and a ratty tank top. Hmm. Anyway Brad has a sit down with Bettina's family and I notice dad looks like a skinny Herman Munster. Creepy. Anyway, ABC is so over the top about what disaste...whoa, dad's a total asshole! He's hatin' on Brad over his lack of education and this ain't editing folks! I think Fleiss actually undersold the magnitude of this disaster. Mom and step mom join in and they're a couple of major sphincter-heads too! This is like a visit to an asshole farm! Step mom rips Brad over owning bars and her and mom team up to dis Brad over stringing girls along then dump him in the kitchen so they can take the fat dog out for a leak. What rude bastards these people are. This is starting to piss me off. Dad tells the camera that Bettina's ex was a 'Wonderful, wonderful man", and "she'll never find anyone better than him." Holy good night! The guy just trashed his own daughter on national TV. He didn't throw her under a bus; he tossed her under a passing train!

Then Herman leads her outside and questions everything about Brad starting with his lack of a high-falutin education like pops has. I'll tell ya what, pops. I'll trade my college degree for Brad's bank account straight up. God, what an uppity jerk this guy is but the really sad news is that after he questions Brad to Bettina she tears up and starts to buy it. Run, Brad, run away as fast as you can! Brad manages to clear the door without killing anyone and sits on the Jefferson Memorial and has a duke out with Bettina. The guy is pissed and he has every right too. Bettina pretty much defends her family. Screw this.

Rose Ceremony: Apparently the wingman was in need of some rest because he doesn't even show up. God, where do I apply? Brad then hands out the roses: DeAnna gets one and so does Jenni and so does BETTINA?! Huh, what!? Ok, it's time for a Barbarossa intervention. If this show was real time I'd be on a plane in a sec. I know what it would sound like when I arrived too,

"Wingman, put down that fruity daiquiri you're drinking and get your ass out here! Hey, Brad, listen buddy we need to talk. Look, I feel your pain...I really do. I mean other than Susan and that Raiderette cheerleader, Cole, Bettina is the hottest piece of tail this show has ever seen but bud, you've got to get some separation here. The wrong part of your anatomy is doing the reasoning here. Now, I'm going to get you a brew while the wingman buys you a one way bus ticket to Broken Bow, Oklahoma. No, I've never been to Broken Bow, Oklahoma. But you see, that's the brilliant part; neither has Bettina. After about a week there you'll be able to think straight again."

Or Brad just kept her so he can drive pops completely insane. In which case Brad Womack rocks. Argh! And I say we send Jenni's grandma and Sheena's mom to live with Bettina's family. Now that's justice!

Next week: Cabo fantasy dates. See ya!

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