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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bachelorette Recap--5/26/08

Man, are men boring or what? Other than the occasional stalker or serial killer we could cure insomnia. Crazy women make for better TV than narcissistic men. Either DeAnna picked a load of stiffs or...well, we men are boring as all hell. I kept waiting for a melt down of some sort. I mean they always have them on the Bachelor. The women go crazy, turn on the eye rain and freak the hell out. Men are usually good for a drunken brawl at least. Not with this crew. After watching these stiffs meander around I thought DeAnna was going to give the rose to Tommy Lasorda, and I was gonna cheer her on too.

But before that we get to see what I actually consider a pretty decent innovation: The three guys who got first impressions roses from the week before get to move in and stay with DeAnna in the big house, while all the rest stay down in a bunk house. They went too far with the idea by making the guys shower outside in the buff but the thought of actually putting the Bachelor(ette) together with the ones they are most interested in so they can, oh, I don't know, fall in love or something, seemed like a good idea. Or at least it would have been if we had gotten to see what actually went on in this house between them. What moron came up with this idea then didn't think the interaction was worth seeing? It was better to look at Paul from Lilliput's bare ass?!

Anyway, the guys all play meet and greet with wingman Harrison out in front of DeAnna's chalet and all but the three dudes who scored roses early last week Richard(Science Guy), Jeremy (Orphan guy), and Jesse(stoner dude) will be living in a communal bunkhouse all together. Decent. The wingman, in his own creepy way, revels in booting the loser guys from last week out into the rustic house.

The first group date was a trip to a magic shop with seven of the guys. The date sounds likes fun: a magic show in a fun house. Not too shabby. But it is boring! Gawd. Only the trick piano drowning out Sean the karate boy's pompous banter was cool. Twilley, who set off the weirdo meter last week, breaks the damn thing with some asinine myth tale that had DeAnna begging him to stop. Dad-of-the-three-year-old Jason got some quiet time alone with Dee but nearly choked on his tongue when it came time to tell her about his boy. Jason must be new to the single dad pick-up scene because 3 year-old son's are chick magnets! Don't believe me? Have a decent-looking single dad go to a park with a cute son. You might as well hang up a sign that says, "Free Diamond Rings!" The women will swarm. This guy needs to man up.

Paul, the munchkinland midget, shows some chops and gets the early rose while Ryan, the obnoxious football-playing virgin got punk'd. A 28 year-old male virgin!? That just means the guy has a P.H.D. in masturbation...or somewhere a family sheep is pining away for it's master. What a candy ass! Think I'm being too hard on our virgin? Look at it this way: Billy Graham, Mohandas Gandhi--two pretty righteous dudes--both were married fathers at Ryan's age of 28. 'Nuff said.

The one-on-one date this week is Graham, who takes Dee to the beach to demonstrate that kite flying is not like riding a bike--you do forget how. The kite augurs in just like Graham tries to. He tells Dee he is 29 and has had one real relationship in his entire life. This, for some strange reason, sets off alarm bells in Dee's mind. Not exactly the He-man woman lover's club around here, is it? Graham is threatening to set my gaydar off, and it seems Dee got a tickle of her own because she challenges him pretty straight up. But Graham pulls it out with some deep sensitive stuff I don't remember. By the end, its pretty clear Dee digs this guy.

Next, Dee takes the remaining seven to Dodger stadium to demonstrate their awful singing voices and their complete ineptness in hitting a baseball. Dee trundles out Dodger legend Tommy Lasorda who puts the boys through their paces. They step into the cage and make like Jerry's Kids at the park. Frankly I've seen better swings on a playground. They moved the fence in just beyond the infield but they struggle to make contact. Lasorda, god bless him, tries to give them some pointers but soon gives up and basically tells them they're a bunch of losers. Finally, Jeremy the lawyer steps up and slaps a few little league dingers--not exactly the John Wayne Award for manliness because Jason's three year-old could have jerked a few over that fence--but it's better than the rest.

Dee hauls him away for some private time and he nearly breaks down and admits he's an orphan. Really? Dude, you're thirty. At some point we're all orphans if nature runs it's course. Get over it. But DeAnna, who lost her mom at twelve laps it up like honey. He gets the rose and another week in the house with Dee.

This pisses Ron the divorced guy off and he let's Dee know he doesn't appreciate it when the cocktail party gets going. The other guys don't think much of Jeremy and he's wearing the bullseye now. He makes it even worse by doing the old steal the Bachelorette away from someone when you already have a rose bit. Mrs. Barbarossa still loves the guy but the other fellas in the Meat Locker are less than impressed. Dee then encourages a push up contest to dispel the cloud of testosterone that's attempting to form in the house and Jesse the stoned snowboarder just edges out Brian the football coach for some special quality time with Dee. Jesse hams it up with some sensitivity about how he "can't be a snowboarder for ever". Sounds almost like a Broadway show tune, but she seems suitably impressed anyway.

The wingman makes a rare appearance and calls the festivities off. It's rose time.

Paul from Lilliput, Graham the Confused, and Jeremy the Orphan already have a rose and a place in the mansion next week. DeAnna comes out, drops the cliche bomb ("This is so hard!") and then hands out some roses.

The others are:

4) Ron--The divorced guy scores a rose for being...er...forceful, I guess.

5) Jesse the stoner--Could Dee be a closet bakehead?

6) Robert the Chef--This guy needs to stop pulling up the collar on his Izods. That went out in about 1988.

7) Brian the football coach--he seemed fairly nice and pretty much normal. Hmm, producers must be pissed.

8) Jason--Previews show him fessing up about his boy. Bout time too.

9) Fred--Score another one for ugly dudes! Damn, the guys who got cut must be major losers!

10) Sean--Bleh. Chuck Norris he ain't.

11) Richard--Bill Nye stays alive. Had we seen the interaction inside the house we might know if he stood a chance. What a waste not to show it.

Harrison perform the necessary calculations and let's us know, (in case we're blind or stupid), that only one rose remains.

12) Twilley--Holy Crap, Batman! Didn't see that one coming. I hope this guy comes with his own restraining order.

That means that Eric, the one-note Greek Guy with the huge honker who acted like it was his dream to chain Dee to his stove and make her prepare feta cheese for the rest of her life and, Chris, the ultra-bland sales rep who can't hit batting practice pitching, and Ryan, the in-your-face-virginal Christian, get dumped. Eric and Chris get pissed and preen while Ryan tells us he's a virgin again. No shit, Sherlock. Wonder why.

Dee meanwhile, has a mini-meltdown after dumping them. Hey! That's the boy's job now Dee. God this might get ugly. Give her an ouzo, wingman.

Next week: the whole gang goes on a rodeo adventure and a "Terrible mishap occurs!" i.e. Dee bumps her head. Jason finally admits he has a kid, and Ron the divorced dude and Jeremy have words...or slapfight or something.

Until then, argh!

32 comments:

Stewart said...

I would have definitely liked to have seen what went on the house with the 3 turds, but it must have been REALLY boring for them not to show it. I think Dee should have picked Tommy. He was the manliest of them all! They should have Tommy give the virgin a pep talk and tell him to quit being such a douchebag. Anyways, hilarious post as always Barbarossa! Til next week

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