My Big Fat Greek Reality Show

Oh, dearest readers, your favorite old pirate has committed the unpardonable sin (in bloggerville that is) of trying to have a life. Don't worry, it failed. Regardless, due to unexpected missions of looting and pillaging...or something... I haven't posted in a while.

Frankly I just didn't have the energy to write about the last installment of the Bachelor. Watching Shayne Lamas capture the heart and gonads of Mr. Wanker was similar to catching fibromyalgia, exhausting and stupefying all at the same time. Nothing like watching some bleached blond, super-materialistic girl born with a silver spoon in her mouth capture the heart of some bonehead. It was, to say the least, uninspiring. But I do apologize anyway...to Mrs. B and to my son-in-law (who are the only people reading this.)

The good news, or bad depending on your point of view, is that everyone's favorite heartbroken Greek, DeAnna Pappas, is back and on the prowl. If you didn't catch the one...or forty times Chris Harrison mentioned it, DeAnna was on the Bachelor before. The one where that tool from Texas dumped her and giggling Jenni at the end because he had a girlfriend in Texas he needed to go dump or something like that. Anyway, due to the inexplicable intervention of Ellen Degeneres and the writers strike, DeAnna has been made the Bachelorette and it's her turn to be in the catbird seat and dump at least 24 of 25 guys.

The evening begins when Harrison greets DeAnna in front of the exact same house she lived in when Brad dumped her on national TV. Everything looks exactly the same...except DeAnna. Who's barely dressed in some beautiful gown cut down to her pubes in the front and looks to have dropped about ten or so pounds in the interim. I liked DeAnna before but holy goodnight, Batman, Boner ahoy! There'd better not be any real men in this group or this will be the shortest TV show in history! Man, what a brawl this should be.

Ahem...no, not exactly. Twenty-two, hair-geled metrosexuals, one oyster farmer who couldn't get laid in a Vegas brothel, one single dad, one stoned snowboarder (is there any other kind?) and one football coach pull up in limos. They ran some film of these guys getting ready before they show up at the Meat Locker, and a more narcissistic, self-involved bunch of nancy-boys you'll never meet. Ok a few of them seemed alright but come on! Some loser actually told us it takes him ten minutes to gel his hair...and then he shaves his chest! Somewhere Grandpa Barbarossa just rolled over in the shallow grave Grandma probably buried him in. Since when do men need ten minutes to gel their hair? Men use hair gel? Is this from the same species of people who stormed Normandy Beach!? Gawd, the things I learn on TV these days.

Anyway, the whole time DeAnna was greeting her stud farm, I kept expecting to see a chair come flying through the window behind her with an accompanying shout of, "It's on, you motherf@ckers! Last one standing gets her!" That would have been cool but I am sadly disappointed. All that booze, 25 guys, and one chick...and no fight? Gawd, what's this country coming to? Anyway, they all try to schmooze her and then get ushered inside.

A few stood out:

Greg--unfortunately he stood out for being insane. Dee obviously felt the insanity coming from him and she cut him. The guy freaked out and did a Hulk Hogan on his shirt after she dumped him. Roid rage anyone?

Jason--Single dad of an incredibly cute kid. I hope he's a player...we'll see. Also presumably divorced.

Jeremy--I had to hold Mrs. Barbarossa down every time he was on. Evidently a hottie.

Jesse--Stood out by having long greasy hair and the fashion sense of a homeless bum...he seemed pretty funny though. Acted like he'd burned a fatty right before the show.

Sean--did some karate but that coolness was offset by the fact that it looks like he gets his hair cut at the same place as Trump. He did kick a piece of fruit off the stoner's head though.

Graham--Stood out by being listed as a pro basketball player and then never mentioning it when he talked with DeAnna about his career. He also had one of those carefully sculpted scruffy face things that make me want to punch men. Either shave or grow a beard!

Luke--Stood out by being an ugly little oyster farmer. DeAnna's about a light year out of this guys league.

Chandler--Stood out by being a wuss. The guy nearly cried when Dee cut him. I'd slit my wrists. To be called a wuss in this group is like being inducted into the wussy hall-of-fame!

Fred--Stood out for being just plain damn ugly. He got a rose though. Score one for ugly dudes!

Richard--A science teacher with no self-esteem. He got an early rose but I get the feeling Dee would like a little confidence in a man. Seemed nice but he's probably toast.

Paul--Stood out for being the height of a citizen of Munchkinland. Come on, Dee's not even tall! He also stood out for having Dee's name branded across his underwear. (Insert your own joke here.)

Donato--stood out for being a drunken douche bag. Cut instantly. He should have shoved panties in her pocket.

Ron--Another divorced dude--and honest about it too. It earned him a rose. Wouldn't it be nice if the women on the Bachelor got the same courtesy instead of being treated like pariahs?

Anyway, Dee kept most of these guys. She also kept a few who were never shown speaking. Guess what that means.

Anyway, many apologies again...the pirate is back and he's here to stay. Until next week!