Sunday, October 11, 2009

10/13--Black Tuesday.

Mike Fleiss, Next Entertainment, and ABC Television has a message for YOU, the serious Bachelor Fan!

Well, that was lovely. After months of the loyal fans of the Bachelor wheedling, crying, pleading, and even begging Producer/Human shitburger, Mike Fleiss, to name any other XY chromosome creature on the planet as the next Bachelor besides Jake Pavelka; Fleiss has made his call and let his feelings about each of us be known: We Can all Go Straight to Hell! Needlessly waiting for two months to make a choice that could have been made even before Jillian Harris' Bachelorette had ended, Dr. FrankenFleiss went into his lab and reanimated the corpse of his newest FrankenBachelor: Jake "Chessemachine" Pavelka. Bozo the Clown would have been a better choice...and a damn sight more believable in the role. Fleiss even had the cajones to subtitle the coming monstrosity: "On the wings of love!" on the odd chance that anyone was dense enough to see this as anything but a joke.

More stunning than the single-digit IQ required to make such a choice, is the gall required to slap the most loyal of the fanbase right across the mouth, despite their pleas. In the last several weeks, I've seen every imaginable name in the Bachelor pantheon bruited about as a contender--from former hotties to third-rate also-ran's cut on the second episode three seasons ago--as alternatives to Jake Pavelka. In the closing hour before the announcement was made, the desperation and panic became so thick that people were actively calling for last seasons' villain of villains, Greaseball Wes Hayden, to be given the part instead. And yet he did it anyway. Even P.T. Barnum knew that you had to give the suckers what they wanted. How I'm supposed to blog about this and control my gag reflex is beyond me.

I will blog about the coming season for as long as I can. I'll make no promises beyond that. I will attempt to find humor in what is essentially an insult, and I'll do it for as long as I can possibly stand it, or until the horrifying acting of Pavelka burns my retinas out and I go blind. Fleiss has left me no choice on how to approach it either. He has chosen the one human being that I did not want to see, and put him in charge of his own insane clown posse of women. I now pledge to become the "Cheese Grater", and dedicate my energies to eviscerating Pavelka--cell by cell--every single week. Make no mistakes, that woman who outed The Cheeser to the press a few weeks back was clearly shooting off her mouth in hopes that she could escape the approaching train wreck. I hope for her sake that she succeeded, but I doubt it. Women already cast for the show are probably doing anything in their power to make their escapes now: becoming impregnated, catching VD, exposing themselves to Swine Flu, or having themselves committed to an insane asylum. What's a few weeks in Bellvue compared to this nationally televised humiliation?

Fleiss must loathe us. I'm gonna' loathe him right back. Lock up the kiddies, folks. This season, this blog will be rated "P" for piratical. Candy asses stay clear! The Jolly Roger is going up the main mast. Argh!


Anonymous said...

Pirate Boy,

I could not wait for the announcement and your response. You do not disappoint! Hilarious, smart and snarky all in one blog! “Cheese-grater” Brilliant!!

In all actuality WE are in control, not the Fliess-master; we can refuse to watch. But I for one am in. With Jake in the lead it can only be a nuclear trainwreck… it’s going to be bad, really bad, but amuzing… and I would think your snark-o-meter is going to be running OT! Smile, head up, we’ll weather the season together!!

Of course you know I’m a die-hard romantic and admit (12-steps and all) that I still watch tivo’d episodes of Jillian’s season. To me she’s what the Bachelor/Bachelorette could really be…. An opportunity for viewers to see a ‘real/manufactured’ love story (ok, I get the irony). Of course, I would prefer this, but alas, it is not to be for this season…. So I’ll sit with a martini or two and laugh, laugh and laugh!!

Your fan, Sue

AbbyRose said...

Well said, my pirate friend. Again grateful that you will watch so that I will not have to. Your blog will be more worthy of my time that the cheesefest.

At the very least people that watch can figure out which of the unlucky lassies will be the next 'ette. No other reason for them to be on the show.

Ha! Great reasons for the gals to be removed from the show.

This show has turned into a SNL comedy skit of the show.

Captain Barbarossa said...


Thanks so much for reading. The small group of folks like yourself is the only reason I'm going to suffer through this cheesetorm.

I expect the weather to be unrealistically, absurdly 'sunny' with a strong possibility of 'eye-rain' and a near 100% chance of a debilitating cheese-tornado.

AbbyRose said...

There are more reading that you think ~ I just put a link to your blog on my Facebook site. :D

Anonymous said...

Look forward to your blogs! Keep on blogging through this next cheezfest! It will give us something to look forward to.

Anonymous said...

Pirate Boy, you have a truly warped sense of humor which I love and I'll definitely be reading your blogs, but you underestimate the inanity of the general viewing public. They're going to eat up the cheeze ball corniness of Jake. They love this fake fly boy. He's going to fall madly in love, probably with several of the women, and the gullible audience will think he's just the sweetest thing ever. Gag worthy I know, but you just wait and see. Snark on the internet will be the last bastion for the rest of us.

Dean said...

Aaaaarrr Aaaarrr Matey!

We have a small forum where we love to dish about the bachelor/ette and we've decided to link directly to your blog for the upcoming season of Jake "CheeseMachine" Pavelka.

I personally haven't gotten out the cheese grater yet, but it's shined up and ready to go!


Stewart said...

That guy is a douche. I know you're looking forward to the season of Summer's Eve!

Anonymous said...
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LilysMom said...

Captain Barbarossa, as always I am thoroughly entertained. Usually by now I know all the ladies names, who the top 3 are and where they are going. This year, and I am not sure if it's Jake, or that past seasons have wore me thin, but I am not that interested. I am going to watch, but I am not going to spend anytime sleuthing this year, I don't really care who he chooses.