5/25--Ali Oops! The Attack of the Butt-Ugly Men

It's starts with a twitter, grows into a chuckle and before I know it, I'm laughing so hard I have tears rolling down my cheeks. In many seasons of watching the nonsense known as the Bachelor and the Bachelorette, I've never laughed as hard as I did last night. Jake Pavelka's lucky escapee Ali Fedotowsky (I looked it up this once; don't get used to it), whom I considered quite the bitch last season just drew the all-time short straw when it comes to casting. Never in my life have I seen a bigger herd of ugly Gomer's than I did last night during this season's premiere. Secretly, Executive Producer/Human Rodent, Mike Fleiss must be furious with his new Bachelorette to foist this freakshow on her. And Canada? What the hell have our fair neighbors to the North done to earn this? Last Bachelorette, the entire country frolicked with joy at star Jillian Harris and her "journey" to find true love. This time the cast was loaded with Canadians and every last one of them turned out to be an unreconstructed Tool. And geeks? Oh boy! This looked like a Star Trek convention. Tools, nerds, simpering assclowns, and about 3 or 4 that looked ok. Even without the spoilers that are now ubiquitous around the net, it wasn't too hard to pick the dudes who honestly stand a chance here--mostly anyway. There were a couple who survived who defy imagination however. Either Ali knows she's at the bottom of the barrel, or she is as dumb as a brick. Time will tell.

Let's Hope She Doesn't Aspire to Acting

If she does; she's wasting her time. Following the required recap of last season and a lightning round of introductions of her Nerd Posse, Chris Wingman Harrison hauls the gorgeous blond into the interrogation room to pitch her a few softballs so she can apologize for being such a bitch last season and act like she regrets not allowing herself to get dumped by Cheesemachine Pavelka. I was already howling with laughter; this was Pia Zadora-quality acting, folks. Nearly as hilarious was the wingman's insistence that Ali only bolted on the Cheeser because she had her "dream job!". Really? Growing up in New England as a little girl, Ali dreamed of becoming a sales rep? Man, she's easy to please. What's next on her agenda; telemarketing? Phone Sex Operator? She and the wingman then play a little game called "make believe" where she gets her chance to swear she's learned her lesson about love for good, ("I quit my job! I left my apartment!"), and both make it sound like she was forced to lay down her tiara and scepter and abdicate as the Empress of San Francisco to accept the role of the Bitchlorette--and the six figure salary they are paying her and the numerous Show Business opportunities that come with it. Personally, I'm going to accept all of this at face value in the hopes that Fleiss will think he's conned me and she can stop lying and start dating.

Careful What I Wish For

The limos roll up...and the tears start to roll down my cheeks. Halfway through the introductions I almost felt sorry for her. The introductions have been pathetic for years, but seem to be getting worse. Some of the guys had cheesy lines; one threw leaves at her; several exited the limos like they were circus acrobats, and a few--a precious few--even walked up to her and just introduced themselves like normal human beings without simpering at her feet. Once inside she gets the drinking started and the fun really begins. My notes are so covered with the words "Geek!" "Douche!" and "Nerd!" I can barely read them. Just to be fair, I'll start with the two or three who actually looked and acted like I'd let them date my sister.

The Playas

1) Chris L.--Nice-looking dude with a tale of woe. Moved home from being a school teacher to help care for his dying mama. Now lives in Cape Cod with his old man. Later, shows some class and passes on the tale of his mom when talking with Ali, declaring "It wasn't the time or place." He'll be a fan favorite.

2) Roberto--The one guy who gave Ali a visible spike in her blood pressure when he exited the limo. Acted sane and classy and had the Wench Queen joining Ali in cooing over his beauty, bedroom eyes, and Ricky Ricardo suaveness...or at least he did until I helpfully pointed out that he appears to have two escaped caterpillars above his eyes. Once I'd ducked the frying pan, she went back to cooing, but I couldn't escape the vision of him jamming a cigar into his mouth, waggling those caterpillars at Ali and asking her if she wanted to play "You Bet Your life!" Presto! Groucho Roberto is born. First Impression Rose.

3) Jesse--A contractor who gave her a wooden heart. Seemed ok.

The "Others"

1) Frank--Frankfurter, the Human Cartoon! In his preview, admits he's followed his dreams by quitting a good job and becoming an unemployed screen writer who sponges off his parents. Exited the limo through the sun roof wearing glasses that looked like aviator goggles and a stare that came straight out of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Spent the rest of the evening running around like a kid with ADHD who'd had six bowls of Crunchy Sugar Bombs for breakfast. This would have been hysterical had leaks not pegged him as being around for a long time. Facebook must not have a minimum required I.Q.

2) Jay--creepy lawyer. Looked like his last name was Addams. Him, she dumped.

3) Craig--Who invited Christopher Walken? Had a Trump-sized ego to go with the freaky-scary looks and a douchebag personality. Talk about the Total Package. The first of several Canadian Embarrassments. He got a rose anyway.

4) Kyle--listed his occupation as "Outdoorsman." Yeah, how's that pay these days? Appeared to live in an yurt in Montana with half of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom tacked to his walls. Let us know he was gonna' stalk, bag, and stuff Ali if he had to, because him and his dog needed someone to cook breakfast for them. Adios Kemosabee!

5) Jonathan--The Weather Elf! Just whose cookie-baking tree house did this guy escape from? All he needed was one of those pointed green hats and he'd been in business. TV weatherman with an irritating personality on top of it. Rosed anyway.

6) Derrick--"Shooter". Mr. Pocketrocket! Hopefully a victim of Producer-coercion and too much alcohol. Admitted to her that his nickname came from his college propensity for prematurely cheesing off in his drawers. Dude, why not just set yourself on fire? Wins the Captain's Award for most embarrassing premier night since Dr. Allie's Rotting Eggs of Doom on the Travis Dork Season. Unfortunately for him, he sobered up enough by daybreak to realize what he'd done. I assume he's under Suicide Watch somewhere.

7) Steve--Steve-o! Steverino! Enough said. Gets a rose by default.

8) Ty Tennessee--You'll have to forgive me, the first night is hectic. The only thing for him on my notes are the words "Monkey Boy!" Maybe he made a bigger impression on you?

9) John C.--Proposed to her with a cubit zirconium ring in the driveway. I was hoping she'd wipe her feet on him. Wench Queen screamed, "Gross!" I think they will about cover it.

10) Kasey--Mushmouth! I couldn't understand a single word this dude said, but he said it with the ardent fervor of a jihadist, and sported a set of crazed, beady-eyes you normally only see at court hearings for Restraining Orders. I better go easy on the guy until I get the full story though, he might be hearing impaired. In the previews, Fleiss certainly tried to make him look sanity-impaired. Visual insinuations abounded that he was suicidal. Thankfully enough spoilers have hit the net to put a lie to this hatchet job. You're pure class, Fleiss.

11) Hunter--Strangely resembled the Frankfurter Cartoon without the glasses. Ripped the Christopher Walken guy for wearing a "toupee", but lost any hipness for whipping out a ukulele and singing some putrid tune. I hate to tell him that the last (and probably only) guy who ever looked cool playing a ukulele was Don Ho. Now, ol' Don's been dead for several years now, but if they'd rolled Don's coffin into this room, he would have gotten the rose instead of Hunter. Work on it, son.

12) Craig R--palooka lawyer. Becomes an instant snitch and tries to warn Ali about all the other d-bags. Then he gave her a sneaker key chain. Yawn.

13) Justin--"Rated-R". Another, and the ultimate, Canadian Tool. Justin, you see, is a Wrestler. Pardon me, I mistyped. Wrestlers are highly skilled, finely-conditioned athletes who compete in closely refereed contests in a sport that's in the Olympics and has a time-honored tradition dating back to the Ancient Greeks. Justin is a Wrassler! Which means he aspires to be a loudmouthed, steroid-fueled moron who stomps about a ring dressed in shiny boots and a marblesack throwing metal chairs at people. He also ripped the Walken-douche as only being on the show to get "more haircare products", which is pretty ballsy talk from a guy with enough spiking gel in his hair to form a rhino horn in the middle of his head and growing one of those postage-stamp things under his bottom lip that I call an Inverted Hitler. Ali gave him a rose after all the guys voted him out as being there "for the wrong reasons". Unsurprising, since he had a bucket-load of smarmy charm and was one of a very few good-looking guys.

Rose On!

Already safe: Groucho Roberto, and Rated-R Wrassler.

1) Jesse--a wooden heart to replace her mercenary one?
2) Ty-Tennessee-I guess the Monkey Boy got one.
3) Craig R.-snitch's rule.
4) Tyler V-my only note says, "earnest geek."
5) Frankfurter, The Human Cartoon
6) Steve-O!
7) Chris L. I hope he's not too nice.
8) Kirk--Not the "Captain Kirk" kind either. Macrame scrapbook? Go stand over there with Shooter in the Family Disgrace line.
9) John C. Was everybody else dead?
10) Chris N.--Uh, ok. Must have missed him.
11) Chris H.--ditto. Too many Chris's.
12) Hunter--Seriously? Over the dude who backflipped off the limo?
13) Craig Walken--Ha Ha! Canada, we love you...seriously.
14) Jonathan the Weather Elf--HA HA! Lornadoon, we love you too!
15) Kasey--Well, I guess Ali speaks mumble.

Despite the high ratings of late, I think this show is about through. If this is the best looking, most charismatic crop of guys they can get to hang around--Canada included--the jig must be up. Well, better enjoy it while I can.

Looks like lots of travel coming our way to blot out the fact that the beefcake for the women total almost nil this time. Ali, hate to say it; but you asked for it.

See ya next time me mateys!