7-19--The Escape of Frankfurter, The Human Cartoon
Welcome aboard, Matey's. You're old ship captain comes to you on the road this week; a pre-scheduled trip to loot and pillage across country must be met, but even travel and piracy can't stop the Blast. It can't stop the Bachelorette either, as Normal-Guy Chris Lambton and Groucho Roberto Martinez get ready to make like corsairs and plunder some Ali-booty in Tahiti. Withering, dithering, estrogen-filled whiner, Frankfurter, the Not-So-Great should be joining them but he's too busy plundering some other booty up in Chicago. That's right, folks; the worst kept secret in the known universe--the fact that Frankfurter returns to his girlfriend Nicole--is about to be unleashed on a thoroughly spoiled viewing public. So, I'm gonna' recap what you've heard about for months--seen for weeks courtesy of Bachelorette producer/cultural tar pit, Mike Fleiss and his previews--and just watched...if you managed to stay awake for it. Me, I was fightin' it. After hearing about it and seeing previews, I was expecting Frank and Ali to just go mental. Previews had led us to believe that Ali and Frank were both going to be so riven with grief that they were going to commit suicide after he dumped her. Well if they did, suicide has never been more boring.
Time to Pull the Pin on That Frankfurter Grenade
While previews show The Normal One and The Funny One preparing for their trip to Tahiti to meet Ali, a drumbeat of Frankfurter whine can clearly be heard. Frank is shown packing his bags and taking a shortcut away from tropical paradise to detour to chilly Chicago so he can meet-up with girlfriend Nicole. Frank wanders around Chicago without a jacket as a frigid wind nearly blows him away and tells us he might still have feelings for Nicole. Frank is shown crashing her apartment with a camera crew, and Nicole play acts like she's clueless about the whole thing. Despite signing waivers, a non-disclosure contract and god-knows-what-else--Nicole tries to look surprised when Frank shows up on her doorstep. If it were really a surprise, she would have asked what the hell the cameras were doing there and just what Frank was doing wearing those dorky glasses of his. But alas, the camera crew follows him inside where they sit on the couch and Frank breaks into his now-familiar shtick about being confused, etc. Nicole, at no risk for an Emmy nomination, quotes some lines from Jerry Maguire about how Frank completes her. Oh, c'mon Nicole, how about you tell him he had you at "Get Lost" or whatever he told you when he dumped you. In Private Interviews, Frank lets us know just how bittersweet it all is. I'm sure the boards are abuzz with speculation about Frank's true intentions, but its hard not to see a set up here. Congratulations, Frank! The producers finally let you leave. Being known as the biggest douche bag in America is a small price to pay for the exposure, and those sweetheart screen writing deals they probably promised you. And you get to get rid of those Reid-disguise glasses they made you wear. Congratulations, Nicole. You get to keep a guy most viewers weren't much impressed with to begin with, and being known as Mrs. Douche Bag! shouldn't be all that bad. Have fun.
The Marx Brother on Gilligan's Island
What was with those huts? I know, I know; I was supposed to be concentrating on the two-tone water, breathless vistas, and heady romance of Ali on her dates. Sorry, I couldn't do anything but look at those damn huts they had them in and wonder if Gilligan and the Skipper were sleeping in the one next door. And the Fantasy Hut? That was where Thurston Howell III and Lovey normally sleep, isn't it? Groucho Roberto was wandering around on that porch on his floating hut and I was waiting for Mary Ann to come hopping out and offer him some coconut creme pie. Speaking of, somebody needs to kick the director right in the crotch. She (I think we can safely assume it was a She) had Roberto wander over to a rail, and then straddle it with his crotch in some 'ballcrusher' move no guy would willingly perform in a million years. Come on, sweetie, it's not your grandma's banister. What's next, Roberto gonna' climb atop a washing machine on Spin Cycle? Yeah, that looked organic. Anyway, Ali comes out to Hut City on some island named Le Tata's or something and picks Roberto up for yet another helicopter ride. I think the flying phobia is cured now. It should be since Ali has logged more time in the air than Chuck Yeager. Anyway, they take off and fly around so the Tahitian Board of Tourism can get their dimes worth before landing on some desolate and deserted little island with a (Say it all together 50 times!) a HEART-SHAPED lagoon. Really? Guess it depends on the angle you're looking at it. And who's doing the lookin' of course. Roberto and Ali quickly agree that the shape of the lagoon portends well for their future together. It looked like a giant VAGINA-SHAPED lagoon to me, so maybe it does portend well for their evening. At least his anyway. Dinner had one, and only one purpose--for the Funny One to admit to Ali he's swallowed the bait hook-line-and sinker and is falling in love with her. He hems and haws, and acts all embarrassed as he drops the cupid bomb in her lap. Right on cue, Ali whips out the dirty sexcard Harrison writes up for these episodes and basically propositions Roberto right there. "Ali and Roberto, welcome to beautiful, scenic, and very inexpensive Tahiti--a lovely place to take the entire family, even in these tough economic times. If you two are horny, we'll move the Howells in next door with the Professor for the evening and you two can have a wild sexromp. Love, Chris Harrison." Roberto waggles his caterpillar eyebrows, and then basically tells Ali "damn straight!". For some odd reason, they then make the happy couple wade over to the hut through five feet of water before heading indoors. Careful, kids, noise carries for miles on open water. Please don't wake the other castaways.
She Wore a Pearl Necklace
Normal Guy Chris meets Ali on a long dock and sweeps her around in circles. Ali tells him they are going out on a boat that is "the biggest, like most-luxurious catamaran in Tahiti." Lovely plug. They chat as they ride out and its sounds painfully forced. Ali blathers on about his family but the conversation is stilted and filled with her fake, dumb laugh. They jump into the water and he carries her in ashore to an island as the producers play Disney fantasy music for them. They stumble along the island bank where Fleiss' crew has helpfully seeded the shallows with several oysters they stuffed some pearls inside of for them to find. As darkness falls, they get ready for a dinner date where Ali tries to reassure us just how much stronger she feels for Chris now that he's given her some pearls or something. Now they wade out to an island for a two person clambake and enjoy some fruity chick-drinks. Chris continues to seed himself into the hearts of millions of viewers by talking non-stop about how much he has fallen for Al, but if she feels a damn thing for this guy, I can't see it. Nevertheless, when he gets gushy enough, out comes the sexcard. "Its from Chris Harrison," she tells him. He looks around, "Is he about to pop up in scuba gear and scare me?" Been waiting for someone to ask something like that for years. "Harrison, what the hell does he want?" But he just chuckles and reads it aloud like a good little boy. "Ali, Chris, welcome to Gilligan's Island. Go screw! Chris." or something like that. They get the Howell's hut and Chris acts like he's never heard of a Fantasy Hut..er, Suite. They sit outside and the guitars kick in as he mumbles to her, "God, I love you!" and he walks her inside and confirms she is the one and its tango-time. "My mom is smiling down on me right now." She is? Damn, Chris, you're right; you got the coolest mom in the world! Score it! Date over.
The Frankfurter Bomb Goes Off. "Pfft."
So much for that explosion. My alarm clock makes a bigger bang than that. After weeks of speculation, Frankfurter shows up and is assigned a Castaway hut to await Ali and dump her rump. But first, however, he has to inform the clueless wingman about his intentions. "I need to see Chris Harrison." Yeah, clue him in, Frank. Chris has been busy all week writing porno cards and he missed out on the fact that you and the camera crew were in Chicago,or that him and his bosses had been holding you captive for weeks. Go easy though, you might shock him with this news. Frank sits down with Harrison and spills the beans. "I'm, I'm blown away!" Harrison smarms. (Oh, man, and they expect us to ever believe them.) He drops some guilt trips on Frank like he's his mother while Frank hems and haws and does whatever he can to keep from being hunted down by bitter women on the streets of Chicago and shot. All the excuse-making in the world won't save the guy now; he's toast. Harrison directs him to tell Ali about his scurrilous perfidy and finally leaves. Frank awaits Ali outside the Professors hut and she finally shows and he dumps her over 15 Looooooooonnnnggggg minutes. Was Ali upset? Yes. Was she angry? Yes. But the previews had made it seem like Ali was going to rip her extensions out, tear her fake-eyelashes off and try and drown herself under Ginger and Mary Ann's hut. She didn't. She was clearly feeling betrayed and Frank did his best to get upset and cry like a wussy, but this was downright calm compared to what I expected. It was all lies anyway. Frank wanted to leave the show weeks back, but they wouldn't let him go. It was all fake. The lameness factor made it almost unwatchable. "I...I gave up everything to be here!" "I gave up everything to be here too!" Really? You moved out of your parent's basement? Of course you did, Frank. Nicole has her own pad, doesn't she? Nice move, Frank. I hope it has titanium doors. Ali wanders down the sand where the wingman slithers back into the picture. "I'm sorry." Ali deservedly pounds him while we get sad music and yet more Frankfurter boo-hoo. ZZZZZ. Harrison helps out, "Why don't you head back to your room, relax; do a few Private Interviews and cry a lot."
One Day Later, and Joan of Arc Soldiers On
The wingman schedules another sit-down as Ali tries to rally. They sit and she rags Frank and the winger talks her into having a rose ceremony and she gets a chance to voice doubt about how much she doubts everything now. They stage a meaningless rose ceremony and the two remaining guys get their flowers--Chris looks enamored with her and Roberto sweats like a hog. She informs them Frank is definitely not the guy for her...now that's he run back to Nicole, and she needs them to accept her rose. They do. (Cue guitars).
Next week: The Men Tell All, less Justin Wrassler, and Frank, and Roberto, and Chris. That means one hour of Kasey Musmouth guarding and protecting Chris Harrison's heart and Craig Walken-drunk beating up on the Weather Elf. Oh joy.