Thursday, December 9, 2010

Reality Steve's Trying to Throw Me Under the Bus...Again

Ah, what's a simple snarker supposed to do? Brad Womack hasn't even managed to wash the scent of 15 or 20 women off him and spoiler-ho, Reality Steve, has already gone and spoiled the entire upcoming season of the Bachelor. Seems Steve and Bachelor producer/walking snotrag, Mike Fleiss, have decided to engage in the world's most public titty-twister contest, and do everything they can to ruin one another. So what's a simple snark blogger--who doesn't deal in spoilers--supposed to do? Sharpen his cutlass of course. And since I'm all out of Bachelor targets at the moment, I think I'll take a few slashes at Reality Steve for trying to ruin my weekly blog.

Lessons from Reality Steve--Master of Fame and Bachelor/ette Blogging

1) Sound pompous. Go ahead. You've got every right, since we all know having a successful blog about Reality TV shows is akin to curing cancer. And be sure to obliquely brag about all the money you're making in the process. People love that, trust me.

2) Be Long-Winded. Come on, you've got important shit to talk about. True, true, the U.S. Constitution is only about three pages long...but that's just boring government stuff, not important info like what DeAnna Pappas eats for breakfast. Besides, if you try and bring it in under 5 pages, you'll have to cut all those cute updates about your dog--or your non-existent love life. Ignore the haters.

3) Be Delusional. Con yourself that people give a shit about you or what you think. Sure, you could man up and acknowledge that people hold their noses and skim past your ego jaunts and skeezy personality to get to the spoilers you offer, but why? What's the use? It's better to go on thinking people value your worthless opinion. To quote you: "You're welcome."

4) Insult Your Readers. Let them know that you think people who are really into the Bachelor (Like them) are morons. Then spend months: researching, investigating, Tweeting about, and writing about a show you think anyone who is into is a yard ape. Don't worry, you don't sound nuts.

5) Don't be Afraid to be a Hypocrite. Slam the supermarket tabloids as sleazy instruments of evil. Then give them an interview and have them write you a check. And when they fail to give you credit for the information, slam them again.

6) Admit You Want to Have Mike Fleiss's Baby. Frankly, if Mike Fleiss wasn't about as welcome in my house as cancer cells, I'd insist he get a restraining order. Your obsession with him makes you ferret out the spoilers, but is it healthy? When you acknowledge that your actions do nothing but help the ratings of this show, and then say in the next breath that this is all just to get even with Mike Fleiss...well, have you had your meds lately? Is this trying to kill someone with love or suffocate him with money? Go pet your dog and stay away from the computer.

Ahhhhh, I feel better already. And Brad Womack, I'll see you in January.


AbbyRose said...

Argh! The pirate is back in his mighty form. Yes! Ignore thee that spoilest and continue with your witty and snarkish review of each show. Truly this lassie looks forward to your writings.


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