Thursday, December 16, 2010

They Should Let Me Write The Press Release

30 Eager Women Happily Meet Chris Lamb...er, Brad Womack! It's the Texas Tool--Take Two!

ABC Television--and a collection of dirtbags they're in bed with--present The Bachelor, premiering January 3rd on ABC. This season, The Bachelor re-introduces Texas bar owner, self-made gazillionaire, and self-admitted commitment-phobe, Brad Womack, as the guy every woman wants...as long as they're under the impression he's someone named Chris Lambton. This season, Brad's out to prove that he isn't really a soulless robot devoid of human emotion, and at age 38, he's had enough of picking up floozies from his bars and is ready to settle down and help some gal achieve mediocre fame by dating him for a while. (Besides, his moms starting to wonder about him.)

This season's amazing journey will span the globe, from the same old Malibu mansion you see every season, to scenic Costa Rica where the Chamber of Commerce is picking up the tab, to exotic South Africa so you can check out some black people, cause there damn sure aren't any on this show. In between, Brad will do the same old crap you see every season: helicopter dates, race car dates, amusement park dates, and at least one zipline/bungee jump/or rappelling down a building date, all while dumping at least 29 of the 30 women who signed up for this alcohol-fueled vacation. Along the way, he'll be serenaded by supergroup Train (because you haven't heard enough of these guys) and by music superstar Seal (who's apparently hit rock bottom). In between, the women will entertain you by acting like Brad is the last man left on earth. And they will cry. Cry. Cry. Bitch. Cry. Fight. Cry.

It will all culminate when he culls the herd far enough to be left with four lucky women who will impose on their families and drag them into this mess, by having Brad over for dinner. After a few hours together, Brad will get the eldest male in each girl's orbit to give him permission to marry their daughters...or not.

The final three women, who have captured Brad's heart (or some other organ), head to South Africa so host Chris Harrison can write some dirty-verse cards and urge them to have sex with the Bachelor. Once Brad tries them all out in the rack, he then dumps the one who displeases His Mightiness the most and decides which of the two remaining women will adorn the covers of numerous supermarket tabloids for dating him, and which will become the next Bachelorette.

The Bachelor is hosted by insane clown pimp, weakest of wingmen, and Fleiss' personal lamprey, Chris Harrison, who'd sell his own mother for one more rating point; and produced by uber-sleazebucket, Mike Fleiss, who'd shoot his mother for half a point. It all starts January 3rd.

Do they need to hire me or what?


AbbyRose said...

Captain, I see that you are itching for the show to begin! Two columns before the first show has even aired? Wow! Yes, this show needs to hire you ... as long as you continue to write your hilarious blogs for us. :D

Captain F. J. Barbarossa said...

Yeah, I've diarrhea of the mouth this close to launch. Thanks for the kind words, Abby.

Alisa said...

diarrhea is a surprisingly hard word to spell, isn't it? let the games begin.

Captain F. J. Barbarossa said...

Alisa said...
diarrhea is a surprisingly hard word to spell, isn't it? let the games begin.

Ya think? Thank god for spell check. Especially the monosyllabic among us--like me