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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

7/11--They Call Her the Wanderer

Hey I got a cute idea: let's wander around, shall we? Just in case you were wondering; there it is, the entire script for all 10 Bachelorette episodes this season. Man, I hate to say this, especially since I like Ashley (she's sorta-a-little-kinda-hot, in that "maybe I could have actually scored with her when I was younger" type of way, as opposed to say, Emily Maynard; who if she saw me coming would leap to the other side of the street from a mile off.  Yes, I mean she has her own teeth, her own boobs, and looks absolutely ridiculous in false eyelashes; but I like her. True, they have to hide her great huge forehead under professionally coiffed hair, and she gets a little nutso when she hits the sauce {which this season is NEVER!}, and she seems to have developed a sudden allergy to hot tubs, and the only kind of kissing she seems to do on camera is closed mouthed, chaste, and stiff, but I like her. I can't help it, I really do. She's bubbly; she's a regular gal; she's an extremely well-educated professional. True, her taste in men is worse than Mrs. Hannibal Lecter's, but I like her.) this season has sucked! Just to try and cheer myself up, I picture Executive Producer/Human Drain Field, Mike Fleiss, seated in his ritzy digs watching the final cut of these episodes with his forehead in his hands wailing, "Oh, Chantal! How could you desert me?" Its also cheering to imagine Chantal O'Brien handling the part instead of Ashley. Chantal, who spent her interim months after Brad dumped her, getting engaged to some lucky bastard in Seattle, probably sits on her fancy couch watching these episodes with said bastard and laughing, "Man, I would have assaulted that guy!" when Ashley offers up one of her tepid pecks; and damned easy to imagine said bastard raising a steely, Clark Gable-like eyebrow at her, and then assaulting her. Poor Fleiss. If Chantal had been on board, instead of hanging out with that lucky bastard, we wouldn't be wandering around Asia watching tepid pecks handed out sober on park benches.  Eraser Head Ames would have smoke coming out of his ears, I'd bet. Poor us. Poor me.

Paging Dr. Howard; Dr. Fine; Dr. Sun Yat-Sen?

Well I better quit digressing (and fantasizing) and get to it. It is what it is. And what it is, is some strange commercial for Taiwan, which I didn't know needed any advertising. You may remember Taiwan; its the country that we used to call Nationalist China before Big China got pissed off and demanded we call them the "one and only China" or they would invade Taiwan and stop selling us shower clogs and rubber dog shit. Since many a U.S. president values the rubber dog shit market, we gave in. So, Taiwan is now just the little island off Real China's coast where I'm wishing Chantal O'Brien was this week instead of being assaulted on her couch by some lucky bastard. Regardless, Harrison is in the house, so we're go. Ashely starts off the episode by wandering around a few city squares and explaining to a new generation of Americans where we get our rubber dog shit from while the wingman gathers the boredom survivors and pimps for Taiwan's 100th Anniversary. Ok. The town-center-crowd-clearings paid for, the winger lays out the date line-up for the week: there will be three, 1-on-1 dates with no roses anywhere in sight; and one, terrible Group Date. Harrison packs the boys off and here we go.

Constantine Demonstrates Why He is Not the Next Bachelor

Yea, I was wrong. This guy's got too much sense to be the Bachelor. What's all this "Take it slow; let it happen naturally" shit? What a killjoy you are Hercules. C'mon, make like Sunny Ryan and fall in love halfway through one solo date. What the hell's the matter with you? You think this is some kind of wandering frat party? Look at your bromance buddy, Vino Ben; he's in the bubble. Stop being normal! Jeesh. Anyway, Constantine heads out to meet Ashley at a train station, but since we're Big Head Free for the first time this week (I won't say the name if you don't) that means we need a new, troubling sub-plot. And that sub-plot is J.P., The Skinhead, who winds up instantly into what will become an episode-long jealous tirade about how he is sick of sharing "his woman" with these other turds. (More on that later). Ashley picks up Constantine and takes him on a steam train ride to a tiny village inside the Taipei countryside. She whines about how slow her relationship with him has been as they ride through the jungle while Hercules plays it casual as usual. The arrive in Ping-Shi village where they, they wander around. He piggybacks her over to some paper lanterns and she forces him to paint their wishes onto them. They grab the lantern and head off while back at the freebie hotel another date card has arrived. Vino Ben scores another 1-on-1, much to the consternation of Sunny Ryan, who has scored nothing but irritation to this point, and the fury of J.P. Back at dinner, Ashley and Constantine eat and have a chat. Constantine makes all sensible and intelligent again. Boo! She finally quits grilling him and they share some closed-mouthed, stiff pecks and release their Wish Lantern. Right on the director's cue, a bunch of locals releases their lanterns skyward and it does look pretty cool. Date over.

Vino Ben Discovers "the Bubble"

Finally deciding to showcase some cool Asian vistas, Ashley takes Vino Ben to Taroko National Park to wander around amidst the gorges and skip bungee jumping on a suspension bridge. Ashley packs him off onto a moped and he drives them (gasp! No one tell DeAnna or Ali) the wrong way down a one-way into the park. They drive around on some scenic roads and he drools on her a bit. While Ben is scoring some tepid kisses on the no jumping suspension bridge, yet another Date Card arrives and tells Lucas, the Texas Cowboy, J.P. the Jealous Skinhead, and my man, Eraser Head Ames to get ready for a really crappy group date. Sunny Ryan finally gets his chance to dance around and spike one in the endzone when he does the math and figures out he gets the 1-on-1 at last. Ryan explodes with "Golly-Gee-isms" while we head back to Ashley and Ben. Darkness has fallen and Ben starts the evening by confessing to the camera that he is ready to be a Fleiss-stooge, "I'm falling in love with Ashley, but I'm not ready to tell her yet." Ouch. Best of luck, buddy. Ben earns some Argh! by showing some confidence and sounding very genuine about the whole thing. He confesses he is on the tipping point of falling in love and sounds like a coerced, but genuine dude. He gets close to the "L' word and Ashley grimaces. With her, that could mean she is horny, has cramps from the crab they ate, or thinks he needs to simmer down; I have no idea. But they kiss and we get some nice scenery. Date over.

Ames and Lucas Get Shafted

In a painful repeat of the time-wasting date that started this season involving future non-comedian, William the Wise in Las Vegas, the producers decide to stage some Taiwanese wedding photos that aren't going to happen either. Just to add some cruelty, two of the alleged "groomsman" are forced to dress like circus clowns, while the biggest crybaby in the group gets to dress like James Bond and picks up the rose anyway. Before they head out, J.P. gets a chance to mope and be a grouch. Vino Ben was deliberately held overnight in a separate room from Ashley just so he can come wandering in dressed like a smurf and set J.P. off like a firecracker. Ashley pimps for the local wedding photo industry and J.P. gnashes his teeth a little more. Lucas, the Cowboy comes out first dressed in a gold lame mu-mu. Yeah, that looked like fun. Unsurprisingly, Lucas thinks he got rooked. If he wants to feel better, he just needs to wait for Ames. The Eraser Head goes next and comes out dressed in some rental tux nightmare Adam Sandler would have refused to wear in the The Wedding Singer. It looked like a crackhead Liberace get-up, circa 1966. J.P. finally comes out dressed in a tailored black tux, just in case the other two aren't aware of their status in the pecking order. Ashley comes in dressed like a geisha, laughs at them, and poses with Lucas, who looks ready to open his veins. Lucas, who had the temerity to kiss her during the wedding photos, sets J.P. off again into another whining fit. Ames goes next and kisses Ashley in a tree. J.P. smolders, even though he gets a beach backdrop and Ashley dressed in a regular wedding dress. In the evening, they view their framed photos, and Ashley can't understand why the guys didn't love looking like tools. Lucas tells her he felt like an idiot. Ames whips out some private photos and shows even more chops and his world class brain. J.P. goes next and complains about the Group Date and shows off some jealousy. Whether this whole edit was designed to make us think J.P. is a normal guy who is (understandably) jealous over a girl he's fallen in love with or they are warning us that J.P. is going to move her to Alabama and beat the living shit out of her the first time she looks at the mailman, I have no idea. Regardless, what would've been "red flags" in any other guy makes her all squishy and she gets the rose for him. Date over.

Sunny Ryan's Bachelor Interview, Part 1

Damn, its sad when I can get inside the head of a dirtbag like Mike Fleiss, but I don't know who he thinks he's fooling. Not me, that's for sure. Solar energy dork, Sunny Ryan, who reminds me so much of perennial Bachelor constant, Jake, Cheesemachine Pavelka, it makes me nauseous, is ready for his interview and his 1-on-1 date at last. Wearing a five-o'clock shadow and pink shirt to go with his permanent grin, Ryan meets Ashley at the Taipei version of Tienanmen Square and they wander around. She takes him to a Buddhist temple where folks are lined up praying in surgical masks, letting us know the Avian Flu threat is not over in this part of the world. Ryan is just overwhelmed that people outside of the U.S. actually pray and he nearly breaks down foaming at the mouth. Big on making wishes this episode, Ashley takes him over to the Altar of the Matchmaking God so they can make a wish and toss some bricks on the ground to see if their wishes come true. Having the same luck that Constantine's Wish Lantern had in the credits when a dog pissed on it, Ryan tosses the bricks hoping for the augur of eternal love. Instead, the bricks make like an ancient Chinese proverb, land on the wrong side and tell him: Bricks say; YOU hit the bricks! Ryan stares at the bricks and tells us maybe that isn't a good omen. Yeah? Better than getting your Wish Lantern coated in dog piss, but probably not good. They then head over to a park where Ashley, desperate for anything to speak with this clown about, asks about his environmentalism. He peps right up and bores the hell out of her with a long-winded lesson on the virtues of tank less water heaters. Letting us know she knows and cares nothing about environmentalist whackos, Ashley winds up and dumps him. Ryan stares at her and thus begins a truly horrible performance of heartbreak that must have had Pavelka filing a lawsuit for copyright infringement. Despite the fact that they shaved nearly thirty-minutes off this episode so Harrison could get a load of circuitous and incomplete answers from Emily Maynard about her bust-up with Brad Womack, we still had plenty of time to see Ryan run into the bushes, sit on a park bench and break down into not one, not two, but three--standing and sitting, Full-Mesnicks! He whined, hyper-ventilated, told us he thought Ashely was "The one!" after less than one date alone with her where she dumped him, and blubbered like a GIANT VAGINA. Knowing the sadistic editors and fiendish producers like I do, I'm sure this performance caused a sizable portion of the 18-49 female demographic sweet spot audience to cry "Awwwwww!" while I cried "Owwwww!" Ashley finally got rid of him but followed up the dump with some painful words, "Looking into his eyes, I'm not sure I made the right decision." Thanks for the foreshadowing so we won't be shocked if he mysteriously shows back up for part two of his interview. God help us, and date over.

Quick Axe So We Can See Emily

No cocktail party needed, Harrison lines the remaining five down and sets them up as Ashley comes in and gets right to work.

Already safe: J.P. the Jealous Skinhead.

1) Constantine Hercules--Mr. Normal will take her to Georgia.

2) Vino Ben--Deep in the bubble and on his way to the vineyards with her.

Enter wingman: "Ashley, gentleman, this is the final rose tonight; hurry up so we can interview Emily and the boss can curse bog that she didn't dump Brad before we started filming."

3) Eraser Head Ames--score it.

Dumped: Lucas, the Texas Cowboy for not wanting to wear a lame dress frock and failing to show the necessary cultural sensitivity.

Next Week: Hometowns

Emily Interview: Didn't want to be there, didn't want to discuss her private affairs, which proves she is either a liar or those people who think she wants to the next Bachelorette are crazy. I'll believe her and respect her wishes and continue not writing about she and Brad.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Excellent as usual, Cap'n! For the first time this season, I actually saw a few minutes of the broadcast. I have to say JP set off ALL my "poor anger management" and "excessively jealous" alarms. Maybe it's just the editing, but JP's anger was a little scary.

And poor Ryan--just when he had convinced me that it was really cost-effective to install tankless heaters, Ashley kicked him to the curb. I didn't get the chance to find out how many months it would take for me to recover my initial investment and REALLY start saving money. I'm totally depressed about that.

Anyway, thanks for brightening my day, Cap'n.

Susan