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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

7/25--Fantasy Dates Courtesy of Captain Obvious

Fantasy Date Week Means its Time to Get Jiggy!...or Not.
Hmm. I'm starting to wonder if Executive Producer, Mike Fleiss has been sniffing glue. Either that or a rug of biblical proportions is about to be pulled out from under the viewers. In all the renditions of this show I've watched, I've never seen one look as obvious as this one. Spoilers, schmoilers; I don't even have to look, and unless the FleissRat is planning to pull a fast one, neither do you, Dear Reader. I'm sure hooks, and dives, and god knows what else may await us in the finale, but for now at least, this sucker looks like you could end it right now. Last season I wasn't able to cover the end of that obvious outcome where Brad Womack came out and told Emily Maynard he was in love with her on the Fantasy Dates, but I did watch it. And even that ending had more doubt in my mind than this one does. Maybe Fleiss just threw his hands up when he figured out what a terrible actress Ashley Hebert is and decided to play it straight? Definitely not his style. That's the one thing that worries me. Be that as it may, Fleiss seems to have simply given up on this season and spent an enormous amount of last night's time promoting his next Bachelor, Sunny Ryan Park. If I'm right and the sleazebag is actually playing it straight for once, that's the payback we're gonna' get. Oh joy! Oh, unmitigated joy! Jake Pavelka didn't knot my colon sufficiently, so Fleiss is gonna' hire his twin brother to try and finish me off. Drop dead, Fleiss! I'll not be defeated! But first things first.

Fiji

Ashley wanders around the south pacific paradise and spends a load of time recapping her men and their individual journeys. She also acts as a tour guide for the Fijian Chamber of Commerce, on whose dime this entire trip was undoubtedly paid for. They get their money's worth, that's for sure. Fiji is a wondrous-looking paradise and if you're into tropical getaways, its an eye-stopper. But that's hardly news, and neither are Ashley's feelings about the men. Constantine Hercules? She thinks he's hot, loves his family, but barely knows the guy. Vino Ben? Gushes on about him and let's us know she "may be in-love with him..." but fails to add the ending of, "...like my brother." J.P., the Skinhead? Wants him to strip her naked and paddle her with a Jewish cricket-bat. So much for mystery. Anyway, it's on to the Fantasy Dates....but first!

Son of Cheesemachine

Back for the second part of his Bachelor interview is the relentlessly sunny solar energy dork, Sunny Ryan; the obvious producer-pick to be next season's Bachelor. And just to make sure he's an episode-long irritant, Fleiss puts him in the lead off position to go and pester Ashley. Ryan comes walking down the jungle path to Ashley's bungalow sporting his carefully crafted 5 o'clock shadow and Hawaiian Tropic wardrobe; absent for only the most precious moments is his fake, disingenuous grin. Don't get used to it. He tells us he wanted to give her another chance...make sure she's certain...can't stop thinking about her, and a bunch of other lies. This guy was such an obvious plant, he smells like a bonsai bush. They made Ashley give him the First Impression Rose and then she avoided having a 1-on-1 date with him like the toothache he is until she was ready to dump him; collecting meaningless Group Date roses and irritating everyone in sight until she finally spent a painful afternoon with him, and dumped him before lunch even with no rose on the date. But she needed another chance to think about it? Yeah, right. Ryan knocks on her door and barges in like a vacuum cleaner salesman. She stares at him in horror: "Uhhh, Ryan! What are you doing here?"
He makes himself at home on her sofa and it's cheese time. "I couldn't stop thinking about you so I called Chris."
Uh-huh. Reached him at the Boom-Boom Garbage Dump, did you, Ryan? And let me guess: 'Ol Wingman moved heaven and earth and told you to come right on over to Fiji, did he? (The most depressing aspect of this is that there are people in this country dumb enough to believe any of this.) Anyway, before she can tell him to buzz off again, he drops his room number on her (in case the cameramen forget where they are) and departs to haunt the rest of the episode.

Vino Ben

Now that we have that out of the way (for the moment) it's time for the actual dates. Up first is California vinter, Vino Ben F.; a guy who I think everyone has come to like, even Ashley. They meet near the Resort and she greets him with a squeal and a hesitant peck. Heading out to view the gorgeous Fijian waters, Ben does some P.I.'s and lets us know he is either deep in the bachelor bubble or a half-decent actor. Swearing his deepening love they head out on a product placement gimme-boat named the Belmare and proceed to do some mighty awkward-looking suntanning. Ben gets to maul her while putting on some sunscreen and she obediently climbs atop his saddle to oil him up to. Giggling with embarrassment she rubs in the lotion and he asks, "Are you ok with this?" Wow, calm down. Wanna ask J.P. if he's ok with it, Ben? You know Constantine won't care. She finally climbs off and he thanks her for her hard work. Giggling, she nods towards his crotch and smirks, "Thank you for your HARD work." Nothing feeds a woman's ego like the knowledge that they are more in control of a certain part of a guy than he is. Some funny outtakes at the end of the show illustrate how well these two get on and just how falling down drunk they both got, but in the interest of pure romance, these are skipped so they can mouth platitudes and go snorkeling amongst the tropical fish. Later, they have dinner and Ben starts mouthing all around the 'L-word' but gets close enough to guarantee Ashley will use the sexcard Harrison wrote for them in between lap dances at his "office". Ben, who never looked like he sobered up from the boat trip slurs his ways through enough P.I's to insert some drama about the ending, or he would have if Ashley would have been capable of carrying off the charade well enough. Which she isn't. Too many close-mouthed, quickly broken kisses between these two makes it look like siblings trying to fool their aunt. Doesn't matter, Ben still gets to take her into the the season's first hot tub (can you believe that?) and get her blasted enough to try and take his shot. Date over

Constantine the Honest

Next up is Constantine Hercules, and at last! we see a helicopter. Ashley hauls him aboard and we are treated to a look at the gorgeous Fijian coastline until...haunting the rocky shoreline is Sunny Ryan, made to look like he's stalking their date. He's not. He's stalking us! Go away! Ahem, anyway, Ashley takes the guy she hasn't dumped out to an island oasis and a beautiful waterfall for a swim. It's all breathtaking except for the constant voice overs Ashley is doing: "he won't open up to me...he won't let me in." They finally get out of the water for a picnic and she starts comparing his slow house-shopping to getting engaged. As politely as possible, he tells her that time isn't the issue; loving her is. They finally break camp and head to dinner as darkness falls. I'll keep this short because it doesn't require a long-winded description. I'll summarize:
"You're not really into me, are you?"
"No, not really."
"Damn."
"Guess I'd better leave."
Constantine gets up and heads back to Georgia while Ashley dramatically reads Harrison's sexcard before leaving it on the table and wandering back to her room. Props to Constantine; he didn't try and lie his way into the Fantasy Suite for a high-pressure handjob. Date over.

Finishing the Job Interview

The next morning Ashley wanders over to Sunny Ryan's suite to put him out of my misery (for the moment) all the while admitting that Constantine did the right thing by pulling the plug and he set an example for her. Into Ryan's she goes and the director leads them out onto the balcony so Ryan can be close enough to a railing to perform a Mesnick when she dumps him. After a little preamble, and a ton of his fake grinning, Ashley says the magic words that have undoubtedly been spoken by a chorus of people who know Ryan Park in real life: "Ryan, get lost!" Ah, music to my ears. But this is just his cue, of course. As she leaves he starts winding up his Pavelka Act, "When am I going to find true love?" He breaks down bawling and goes all tourettes on us: "It'll happen; It'll happen; It'll happen; It'll happen." He should have tried, "There's no place like home; there's no..." It sounds better. See ya next season, you douche nozzle.

J.P., The Fiance

That might be a bit premature, but not by much. Ashley greets J.P. by practically tackling him onto the ground and they board a seaplane for yet another breath-taking view of Fiji. But really what we see is that these two can't keep their hands off one another and instead of her pasted-on smile, Ashley is beaming like a loon. The plane lands near a deserted island, but instead of rescuing Gilligan and the Castaways, these two hang out in the surf and marvel they're alive. Ashley hangs on him, bowing her back so broadly to get close to him she practically gives him a standing dryhump. Not content with that, he takes her out into the surf and she wraps her legs all the way around him and only a bathing suit slip is required to reclassify this as porno. They then lounge about on the beach looking like they need a cigarette and Fleiss makes one last-ditch pointless attempt to insert some drama by trying to show J.P.'s hesitant to tell he loves her. Wow, is that all ya got? Show the tape to Vino Ben and ask what he thinks of those short pecks now? As darkness falls and they have dinner at Tarzan's Loft, Ashley tells him that she had to "say goodbye to two guys today." Cheap trick, Ashley. Trying to convince him you dumped Constantine and Ben to get him to tell you he loves you.(Remind him to spank you for that later.) She finally confesses that someone had come back, and she didn't dump Ben and Constantine, but that Constantine and she both mutually decided that he had a ton of babes to score back in Georgia. Naturally, J.P thinks Big Head Bentley has returned once again. When she tells him it was Ryan, he practically snorts with derisive laughter. Ashley starts fingering the sexcard still trying to rook him into launching an L-Bomb her way, but J.P holds firm...until next week. Like it mattered anyway; nothing short of him slapping her face and telling her she was ugly was gonna stop that card from coming out, and sure enough, "Here; I have something for you," she hands it to him shyly. J.P takes the sexcard with a smirk and reads aloud:

                        J.P.,
                      Git ir done!
                                Wingman.

Argh! He takes her straight into the Fantasy Suite and this time Ashley doesn't need a gallon of wine and a hot tub to make it look like she's gonna perform. She instantly changes into a see-thru nightie and J.P tackles her onto the bed and they make out...and this time, she opens her mouth. The cameras pull back in a crane shot, only the flickering lights inside the suite visible from the exterior. But if you look on the bottom left, you can clearly see Harrison crouching by the window sill with a bottle of Old Collie in his trembling mitts, peeking inside. Date over.

What happened then? I have no idea. Seems the president and speaker of the house went a little too long blaming each other for this country's budget mess and the Wench Queen didn't adjust the DVR, so you know more than me. I could online and watch it, but since the entire family is down with a virus (including me) it's taking all my strength just to type this. If there's something relevant I need to know, feel free to leave a note in the comments down below. When we got back to Live TV it was...

Rose Ceremony Time

Not only time, it was late in the game. Whatever long-winded string of BS Ashley tossed at them was over and all she did was dramatically call out the 2 roses for the two guys who are left.

1) Vino Ben: All that winking and smirking and eyebrow raising he did to her makes me think somebody may have gotten a pocket massage as a consolation prize.

2) J.P., the Skinhead. So exhausted he practically stumbled forward.

Next week: More Fiji and Ashley's tattoo-covered, loud-mouthed sister comes forward to act like, well, a bitch.

Stay tuned next week for a double Blast! Monday will be a short write-up on the MTA and Tuesday will be the recap of the finale. See ya then!












1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This show sucks and everyone associated with it sucks

I hope it goes down and goes down quickly