My Friends, it's time we all faced facts. We are a crowd of people standing on a hillside peering down into a beautiful valley. And in that valley--far off in the distance--we are watching two locomotives approaching each other at ever increasing speed on the same track. Train wreck, doesn't even begin to cover what we're watching. Let's see what Chris Wingman Harrison has to say about this season now that he's sobered up from his trip to Switzerland:
"You never know how America is going to react, and even during filming, I wouldn't have predicted they'd feel this way."
No! You don't mean your idea of a "homerun" isn't being shared by the viewers? I'm shocked! No more talk of "the evolution of a man" is being spouted by the Winger. Nope, he's in dedicated cover-his-own-ass-mode:
Although Harrison understands the blame aimed towards Ben, he does say that he wished viewers could see the deliberations. "He and I spoke before he pulled Courtney aside, and I think if viewers saw that, they would've seen just how much I pushed him on it and why he ultimately started to question her," he says.
Yeah, 'ol Harrison was throwing warnings right and left, we just weren't allowed to see how he tried to save the day. Gone now is even any attempt to bait a happy ending:
"This season may not be a Trista and Ryan fairytale or an Ashley and J.P. situation where everyone's rooting for them ... but as long as people have opinions about it, that's what matters," Harrison says. "It's when they're indifferent that it's bad."
Ha! Ha! Just damn! C'mon folks, pile on board; the locomotives are closing fast and it should be quite a carnage-filled massacre when they strike! You just have to love the temerity of the buzzards who make this show, don't you? Gather around folks, the vultures are circling and the carrion will be served well-done. No other way to approach this now--coming alongside with snark cannons belching broadsides of venom--let's get this on!
"Be-lize" Stop Saying Such Cheesy, Fake Shit!
We see Ben come airplaning his way down on Ambergris Cay in the Central American paradise, Belize. He pimps the Coco Beach Resort to pay for the lodging before he climbs from his plane and tells us the island lifestyle is slow, "so I can think about everything." Thinking is obviously not Benny-Boy's strong suit. If he'd quit thinking with his wiener for a minute, he wouldn't need a tropical isle to lounge on so he could gain clarity. Anyway, the women come planing in from wherever and come boating over to the gimme' of the week. They all gush about the resort and Stool Pigeon Emily gets a chance to throw down her first shark-metaphor about Queen Courtney. All the remaining women join in and whine about having to share their girlyman with other women and about how "real" it's all becoming. Somebody finally got the Wingman out of the resort pool, and he comes stumbling up dressed in his blue linen shirt to let the women know that Ben is already a goner and to swear to the almighty that Ben is certain his wife is here in this resort. (Cue audience laughter). He dramatically warns that the women who get roses this week, will have to take Ben home and try to explain their sudden madness to their parents. He then hits them with a change up: Three 1-on-1 dates and 1 group date; rose only on the group affair. Slipping the first date card from his jeans, Harrison calls out Queen Courtney to try and read aloud while he slithers back to the resorts bar. As Courtney tries to pronunciate words, Nicky the Narrator narrates and plays the punching bag by whining about how much she needs another date as Courtney reads out the name of Lindzi the Misspelled. Nicki shuts up for a minute and frowns while Courtney reads: "Lindzi, two halves make a whole…Ben." It takes obvious producer-prompting for Lindzi to exclaim: "I'm excited!" Who are you trying to convince, Lindzi? Nicki narrates again and bawls about how envious she is and cries like a meltdown case.
Ben Jumps Into Another Big Hole
The producers get Lindzi and Courtney to stage a fake conversation so they can get some shots of the other gals in bikinis scowling as Ben ambles up dressed in what looks like boxer shorts and a wife beater. Sexy. He has a front pocket on his wife-beater? What is he a nerd from Alabama? Awful. Anyway, he grabs Lindzi and rides off with her in another helicopter. They soar around the caye to show off the tourist value of the place while Lindzi lets us know she is about 7 gazillionth woman on this show with a fear of heights. Lindzi, sounding like a old woman with one of those fake voice boxes, growls about how she and Ben share values. Really? You skinny dip with men while simultaneously dating ten others? Damn, sounds like a match. They copter around some reefs and the chopper finally settles over a blue hole surrounded by a coral reef. Ben assures us it's 500 feet deep and then tells Froggy they're going to jump into it. Ding! Ding! Yes, it's time for another Leap of Faith! I can't remember if this is the third or fourth one this season, or the 537th one the last few seasons. C'mon, Harrison; come up with some kind of original theme, would you? The chopper pilot settles in to about ten feet and you can all but see Ben shoving a terrified Lindzi closer to the chopper door. What was she afraid of? Is the ocean around Belize made of concrete? My diving board is higher up than that chopper was. Regardless, they dramatically hop in. The audience is asked to forget that the jump Ben took with Elyse in Puerto Rico off the top of that rental boat was higher than this. But that wasn't a Leap of Faith, you see; you are only allowed to use tired, stale, worn-out metaphors on this show if you mean to keep the girl instead of dump her. The swim around kissing and get out on a camera boat and make out.
When next we see them, they are approaching the dock and the sun has set. Ben hauls her up onto a dock so they can have some forced, stupid conversation.
"It was such a good day. Every date getting better and better. It's great!"
The second he has nothing to say, Ben kisses her. Lindzi then hits him with her trademark stare. In other words, she dips her head and has to look up through her messy bangs at him. Finally, he pumps her about hometowns and wonders if she is ready to bring him home. Lindzi frog-voices her assent to having to explain to her folks why she wants them to meet this spineless loser.
Back at the gimme', the date card arrives and Chain Smokin' Rachel reads off "Emily, do you Be-lize in love…Ben" Puke! Convinced I'm not vomiting hard enough, we head back at the dock to see Lindzi is now thoroughly bombed and they trade canned metaphors about a Leap of Faith. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ben produces a bottle and parchment so they can write a dumb poem, draw a kiddy picture, and stuff it into the bottle so they can litter the harbor. Date over.
The Stool Pigeons Last Stand
Emily's face pops up on screen. "I'm going on a date today and I don't know what we're going to be doing but it's going to be amazing!" Right. You have no idea what nonsense he's about to foist on you, but you already know it's going to be amazing? Fleiss, (face in hands, tears threatening to fall) will you puleeezzzee get some new writers, you cheap old bastard! Emily must have a 130 I.Q. and she sounds like Forrest Gump! Who the hell writes this shit; George Lucas? Anyway, this is just an excuse to get Queen Courtney to sound all woe-is-me. They cram Emily into a plane and she lands on Caye Caulker where Ben is waiting on her. They share a tepid hug and Ben takes her to wander around. It looks almost exactly like Brad Womack's date with Shawntel Newton, sans the crazy Rastafarian lady and the world famous Bankie Banx. Turns out Bankie wasn't in the budget. Ben takes her to play basketball and gets confused; he thinks it's football and tries to tackle her. Emily pulls up and drains a two footer. Take that, girlyman! Your girlfriend just gave you a facial! Whoops, wrong girlfriend. Anyway, they just happen to wander down a dock where some dude is playing with some lobster and just happens to be willing to take them lobster diving. Wasn't that lucky? He just happened to be willing to take them out. Wasn't that sweet of him? (Fleiss! I'm serious; new writers!) They head out on his boat and Emily and Ben catch a lobster. Ben, being the eternal teenaged boy, holds the crustacean airborne in victory and asks Emily that famous junior high school canard, "Hey, Emily, what's worse than a lobster on your piano?"
She stares at him in confusion, "I have no idea. What?"
"A crab on your organ!"
No, not really. I just made that last part up, but tell me it wasn't better than Fleiss' writers and perfect for Ben's maturity level. Anyway, they flash back to the gimme to keep the focus on Courtney. Turns out the queen is busy pestering Lindzi and wants to whine, threaten to refuse a rose if she doesn't get the next one-on-one, and cry about what a zero Ben is. Seven weeks and 587 arrogant, mean, and self-centered comments and she finally said something I agree with. Amazing. When we return from commercial, we see…Courtney? Isn't this Emily's date? Why am I looking at Courtney lounging in bed and acting like she knows how to write in a journal? Hey Emily! Are you still here? Turns out she's is, and I'm sure she was wishing she wasn't. Ben couldn't land Bankie Banx, but Fleiss has kidnapped his band. Ben is dancing Emily around at a party, driving his tongue down her throat and telling us a bunch of lies about her. They then sit down at an outdoor table and eat the lobsters they caught so Ben can bait her into confessing that she wants him to come meet her parents. Emily works hard, assures him it's true and invites him back to North Carolina. Ben drops into full Robot Mode the entire time she was speaking: Blink-Nod-Blink-Nod-Blink-Nod-"Why thank you!" Yeah, I don't think we have to book that flight to the Carolinas. Ben then proposes a toast and all but admits she is too smart for him, despite her inability to see that he's about to dump her. Date over.
Queen Courtney mopes back at the gimme' threatening to walk off the show if she doesn't get a one-on-one. (Cue door knock). Lindzi reads the card: "Courtney, please forgive me for not making every date with you… Ben", or something like that. Courtney manages the prodigious feat of dancing around in victory without ever getting up. "Ohhhhh, snap. About time! Gimme my date card! He's a smart boy--he listens." If Ben ever gets out of basement she locks him in and sees this, he's liable to be embarrassed. Nah. Anyway, Kacie loses her mind in a P.I. "It took every freaking fiber of my being not to spring across the room and punch her right in the face!" It was like watching Mother Teresa going postal.
Is It Possible To Order a Human Sacrifice? I Want To Place an Order...For Two.
Courtney mopes around the gimme' and tries to sell the audience that despite being naked in his presence the last three weeks, she's not sure she feels anything for the wormy little dude. Yet another plane lands in Lamanai and Ben, who is hanging out on yet another jungle runway awaits his empress. He walks her five feet into the jungle before he starts scraping and groveling "I'm sorry it's taken so long to get you on another one of these…" They walk ten feet and arrive at the base of a Mayan Pyramid. "I was walking through the jungle with Courtney and we come across this Mayan temple…" Uh-huh. Just wandering around in a random piece of Belizian jungle and you just happened to stumble upon a Mayan temple, eh Ben? Courtney perks up at the thought of all the blood and horror surrounding them, "Is this where they do the Human Sacrifices?" Well, she knows that anyway. In a P.I., Darth Courtney maps out her strategy. "…He went out with Emily; if she gets a hometown, that will be really unattractive to me…" Subtle, isn't she? They then march up the pyramid steps and climb straight up to a platform near the top. They lay down a blanket on the spot they seem certain was a sacrifice altar and she proceeds to bust his gnat-sized balls. The sun blasts down and the take turns covering their eyes from the broiling sun as she holds court. "I was down because you were with Emily, and she's the person who said nasty things to me…and if I didn't get a date from you, honestly, I wasn't going to accept a rose from you. Also I'm not about to bring someone home when I don't know where we're at." This is the place where I'd normally congratulate a contestant for having enough moxy to put it out there straight. But I'm afraid I can't…since its HER. She whines that despite dominating every group date and watching him drool all over her and ignore the other women, "I lost the spark, babe." Ben seizes with terror. I seize with revulsion.
Any other contestant in the 16 seasons of this show who'd have uttered this bunch of threats would have been summarily dismissed on the spot. God help me, but even Jake Pavelka would have kicked her of the side of that temple for those threats. I call for more wine and fight down the rising bile as Ben springs into action:
"If anything I respect it more that you
Is there anything on this earth more pathetic than a 28 year-old "man" groveling on his belly like a whipped cur? Ben might as well have fixed a spiked dog collar around his neck and licked her feet. Just gross. He keeps on gushing until she finally shut him up so she could get him to beg to be able to come to her hometown. They sit up on the top tier of the temple and he starts wondering how proud his dad would be of him for acting like a 14 year-old pawing at the first woman who touched his dick. Are we sure Ben wasn't a virgin when she vagina-raped him on that Puerto Rican beach? Those who hammered Ben for being a Stormhorse can stop worrying. Stormhorse wasn't an alter ego, it was a fantasy Ben dreamed up. He hasn't got enough sand in his tank to be a Stormhorse. He takes to dinner and grovels a little more and all but guarantees her a rose. Courtney gets a chance to shoot a final kiss off to the women with her fully loaded fingers. "Pshoo, pshoo…kill shot! Pack your bags, ladies, it's all over!" Yeah, for once, listen to her ladies. Date, and Ben's remaining dignity: over.
Swimming With…Nurse Sharks?
My, that was dangerous wasn't it? Nurse Sharks? Are you kidding me? They're about as dangerous as goldfish. Shhh! Nobody tell Chain Smokin' Rachel; she was terrorfied, I tell ya! I was waiting to see Nemo and his dad come swimming into the picture and scare the poor Nurse Sharks to death. They finally get a rational fear that EVERYONE has and they make a joke of it. Sweetie Pie Kacie, sounding more and more like a Tennessee Rambo-ette this episode, shouts, "I'm not scared of the sharks! I'm scared Rachel is hogging all of Ben's time!" Heh. Regardless, what do we need to say about this date? Ben took his three also-ran women out on a boat to swim with the terrifying Nurse Sharks. Rachel, whom Ben has had one boring, awkward, chemistry-free date with, swims around hogging Ben's attention and showing off some nice juggs. Nicki the Narrator, whose had one boring, awkward, low-chemistry date with Ben, and never gets a group date rose, sports a darkening tan and some awesome juggs Ben has ignored.
Only Kacie, who scores yet another group date rose has he shown any interest in. Who are they kidding? This was just an excuse for the women to get Ben alone and try (again) to warn him about Courtney. What for? He's seen her in action; what more does he need to know? No matter. They warn him anyway and he blithely ignores them. Choo! Chooooooooooo!
Courtney's Final Moment…for This Week.
On to the cocktail party that wasn't. The women come walking up to the gimmes' patio area barefoot and sit down. Courtney, already half-gassed and acting extra double obnoxious, drinks booze and whoops it up while the other women squirm nervously awaiting the chance to impress our hero one last time. But our hero is a no-show. Out walks anti-hero Harrison and informs the women that
Roses: Sweetie Pie Kacie the Rambo-ette.
Ben wanders in and just for some added false drama, he drags Courtney aside before he starts so he can bask in the glow of her wonderfulness a few more minutes. The producers monitor their talk so they can bait the audience that he's actually gotta set of nuts and is going to dump her. Courtney shrugs and basically tells him she wasn't here to make friends and has ben a total bitch. Ben nods and leads her back.
1) Narrator Nicki--why? I mean, I like her but Ben doesn't seem too. Not a single group date rose?
2) Lindzi the Misspelled--well, I understand this one anyway.
Enter Wingman: "Ladies, Courtney, Ben; this is the final rose tonight. Ben, when you dump Rachel and Emily, be sure not to walk them out. We want the audience to think you're an even bigger turd than they already do. When you're ready…"
3) Courtney--she bounces up and gets her flower like drunken pre-school has just been convened. Once she has the flower she skips back to her place twirling it around like the Lombardi Trophy and does everything but slap Emily in the face with it.
Chain Smokin' Rachel--sweetie, your days of filling a dress with your wonderful juggs are over. And Stool Pigeon Emily. Good luck finding a date, Doctor. You'll need it when the first three hundred men who see you try and get your phone number.
The Captain's Conclusion: ok, it's Valentines Day, February 14th and I'm making my call. But Captain; we don't want to hear any spoilers! Who said anything about spoilers? The show has spoiled itself. He picks Courtney…and they deserve one another too. As for all of you people out there who keep saying Courtney makes "good TV." then you're watching the wrong show. There's plenty of trash TV out there these days, but I'm not interested in it. Watching Courtney has been like being trapped in a dentist chair for 7 weeks. This chick is so self-centered she has her own gravitational field. That's not good TV to me.
Next week: The Courtney Show, part 8, what else? I'll see ya then.