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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

2/27--A Very StormHorse Fantasy


Credit to some gal friend of William "The Wise" Holman on Twitter who
created this artistic masterpiece.

Hey, hold on! Is this the Bachelor or the Bachelorette? Emily Maynard is getting co-billing with Ben Flajnik? Hey Ben, I think this is Fleiss' way of letting you know what an incredible dud you are. Before Ben could start foreshadowing the fact that he's soon to pick one of the most unpleasant people in this show's history as his fianc√©e, I get a long dose of Emily Maynard. Hey Fleiss, why not just have Harrison run around behind Ben waving a sign that says, "Don't leave! Don't leave! This loser will be through shortly, and look who's next!". Very subtle. Once they're done promoting Emily, we see Ben is still here and he is riven with fear he will pick the wrong person and blow it. Foreshadowing over, it's time for the stupid plane graphic, cause Ben is off to Switzerland to humiliate himself. As the little plane crosses that big bunch of water sometimes called an ocean, Ben tries to convince us (and himself) that he's interested in someone other than the Queen of Poison, Courtney. Speaking of Courtney, we get to see them skinny dip again and her highlights of awfulness reel plays just in case someone missed it the first time. He blathers on trying to plant seeds of doubt, and does Harrison's job for him. C'mon; land the damn plane graphic and lets get going!

Nicki

Ben greets Nicki in a field and they give it a tepid hug and kiss. In comes the 101st Airborne right on cue, and they head off for the mountains. Yoddle-ley-he-who! Time for a metaphor: " I feel my relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights (Mountain shot), but at the same time it's grounded…" He finally shuts up and skips the last metaphor as the chopper pilot puts it into a vertical dive. "…but it's about to hit the ground!" Ahh, c'mon, Ben, we won't tell her what a miserable liar you are when you sweet talk her into the Jungle Room at whatever suite Harrison has lined up for you. If you're gonna' bang a woman right before you dump her, you know you're gonna' look like a douche anyway--might as well have fun with it. Regardless, they land on a mountain top and review her hometown date and talk about her hitting him with the "L" word. She should have saved her breath. She yammers on like a Chatty Cathy Doll while Ben falls into Robot Mode--blink-nod-blink-nod-"That's good." He's enamored all right. They chopper away and then land on a phallic-shaped mountaintop so we can drink in the sight of the immense, stone-shaped penis that Ben doesn't have in his pants. "That spark I was looking for, I found it. I hope she accepts an overnight because…I really want to bang her one time for the road." No, he didn't say that; he just meant it.

As darkness falls, we see that the chopper didn't strand them on the huge stone pecker and they've made their way back to a log cabin chalet with dinner and a fireplace. They discuss how many kids they're not going to have together and Nicki pretty much tells him she's ready to move to California and set up house at his vineyard. Ben then gets a moment to furrow his caveman brows and say something really stupid. "I'm nervous to give her the card tonight; I hope she's ready for it." Ready? Dude, she sounds ready to pack herself in your suitcase. I think the evening is a "go!" Nervous or not, Ben whips out the 'ol sexcard.

Nicki reads:
"Ben, if you'd like to bury what's left of your reputation and Nicki, if you'd like to make your father cry, why not go to the Fantasy Suite and have a good shag on me?
Harrison"


Nicki quickly accepts and suggest they go get naked immediately. Once they get into the suite, Nicki gushes like she's trying to talk HIM out of his clothes and pretty much earns a gold medal in the Desperation Olympics. They climb into a bubble bath and Stormhorse rings one up. Next!

Lindzi

Ben meets Lindzi for another adrenaline date. He hauls her over a ridge and down into a gorge to go rappelling. They look down a 300 foot ledge and Lindzi looks ready to go back to the States. As scared as she looks, Ben looks terrified. Of course they don't actually rappel; they are simply lowered on some wires. Ben craps his pants and launches an "L" bomb. Hey Nicki, need to work on your sex game, it sounds like. They vanish from the gorge and are instantly in a hot tub. They make out and he drops another "L" bomb, just in case Nicki missed the first one and very quickly--the day date is over.

Back at the freebie resort, Lindzi keeps dropping "L" bombs to anyone but Ben, and gushes in a P.I. as they sit down to dinner. Ben, looking wickedly nerdish in a bow tie, pumps her to get her to say it to his face. They hammer on about how "vulnerable" she has become since it's a big word to her. She finally gives in and tells him she is falling in love with him and wants a proposal. Ben smiles, but backtracks, "I'm starting to fall in love with this woman." Hold on. You were "in-love" with her a few minutes ago. What happened? Regardless, here comes the sex card. Lindzi croaks in her frog-voice:

"Ben and Lindzi,
Care to have a go?
Harrison."


Lindzi immediately throws down some caveats about not jumping in the sack so quickly, buuuuuuuuuuuuttttt…"I'd love to." Cha-Ching! As opposed to just being horny--like with Nicki--Ben tells us he's "honored" Lindzi is going to spend the night with him. They get a modern suite to go roll around in and after a few minutes of making out on the couch, its straight to the bed. Stormhorse "L" bombs about Lindzi and says he sees himself "spending the rest of the night my life with this woman."

Courtney

"Today is all about Courtney." You mean like the rest of the season? Ben can't wait to sow doubts to give any viewer a few straws to grasp praying he doesn't pick her. He warbles on about how she has treated the other women, blah, blah. They go for a choo-choo ride and Courtney mumbles out a great line I'm certain a producer fed her, "I feel like we're in a painting." Is that from Desperate Housewives or the Joy Luck Club? Sorry, she has me wondering where she steals her best lines from. Anyway, Ben, looking glassy-eyed and besotted, gushes about the fact that Courtney wants to learn new things. You mean Nicki and Lindzi don't? Nevermind. They wander around a village and shop for food and trinkets. Ben becomes animated and dances around in disbelief he's going to nail the hot chick while Courtney apologizes to no one in particular for acting like Ursula the Sea Witch the entire season. They sit on a blanket and have a picnic in a field full of cow shit and Ben finally gets nettled with her for all the godawful behavior we've had to sit through the whole season. But in true Stormhorse fashion, he doesn't hammer her for the way she made the others feel, he huffs about her making it hard on HIM. Huh? You pussy! Courtney does a P.I.and desperately tries to dredge up some tears (and fails). Suddenly she's all pitiful and mindlessly in love with Mr. Dweeb.

They head into a wine cellar and Courtney keeps selling her contrition. Ben pours her a huge glass of merlot and she apologizes about treating the women so badly and she confesses to having her guard up. Your guard up? You were wrestling with his wiener 4 shows ago? Sounds like you need to hire a new guard. Ben soon displaces Nicki and takes the Desperation Gold Medal for himself and assures Courtney she is a peach, and she goes on about being immature and proves she took the hint from the producers that they were going to highlight every single bitchy thing she said and did. The redemption edit in progress, America yawns collectively. Ben exhales with relief and toasts her before he yanks out the sexcard.
 Courtney reads:
"Courtney…yeah, and Ben too,
Welcome to the amazing city of Intercourse. Switzerland. Speaking of intercourse, mind if we keep the cameras in the suite?
Wingman."


Ben begs and she quickly relents without teasing him. They go to a rustic cabin and make out. Courtney keeps up the redemption move and keeps gushing about Ben. I kept waiting her to gouge him, "I'm losing the spark, babe." But no. They climb into a steaming hot tube and Stormhorse scores the trifecta.

Emily Interlude

Time to remind the viewers not to run off into the blue retching over Ben and Courtney. It's time for an unprecedented pimp job featuring Emily Maynard, who will be filming the Bachelorette this March and viewers will see it in June. Little early isn't it? I think Fleiss just stole Ben's Gold Medal of Desperation from him. Nicki, you get the bronze, honey. Emily smiles at the camera and lets us know that she is waaaaayyy over Brad now. "My life has gotten back to normal." Suck on that, Womack. We quickly get a few nauseating shots of Emily wrestling her daughter--the dreaded Ricky-Tick--around and telling us the little gal is her whole world. Shift to L.A. and a hugggggeeeee stretch limo befitting someone of Emily's star status as she heads for a meeting with Ali Fedo-whatshername and Ashley Hebert. The two former ettes meet the future ette on an L.A. street corner. They try on a bunch of clothes and Emily looks way hotter than the other two. Now dressed in skin tight dresses, the triumvirate launches the theme for Emily's season and heads to a 3-D screening of Titanic. Suddenly Leo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet are on my screen making all Harlequin. They women depart their 10-minute version of a three hour movie and drink champagne on the street corner. Uh…"Date" over.

Back to Ben. Ugh

We head back to Intercourse, Switzerland where Ben is wistfully gazing out onto some stone phallic symbols and contemplating all the tail he just scored and tells us Courtney has laid all his concerns to rest. And up walks last weeks dumpee, Sweetie Pie Kacie. She nervously knocks on his hotel room door as back in Clarksville, Tennessee, Kacie's conservative father has a coronary watching his daughter going hot-knocking on the hotel door of a guy who has just laid three women in one week. Ben greets her with a "Holy shit! and gives her an awkward hug. She is back seeking clarity and was clearly blindsided by being dumped. Ben tells her they were world's apart and sounds reasonable and caring. She finally accepts his answers and then winds up and warns him off Courtney…again. Ben goes glacial. He walks her out and she apologizes for being the bearer of bad news and she walks away as he closes the door. Lacking a balcony to collapse over, Kacie settles for a Full Fedo-whatshername and collapses onto the hotel hallway floor looking like she'd just been gored with a whaling harpoon. She finally gets up and walks off before hotel security comes and gets her and tells the cameras she got answers and if he gets engaged to Courtney, she will break his heart. Ben sits in his room thumping his knuckles on the coffee table wondering how someone who is so good in the sack could be so bad for him.

When we return to the gimme hotel, Ben is wandering around doubting all over Courtney and wondering if he's being played. Harrison finally bestirs himself to get the low down. Ben fills him in and  says he's confused now. Harrison tries to get him to let Kacie reenter, but Ben declines and they go into recap mode. He gushes about all the women and defends his choices, especially Courtney. Ben decides to "decompress" by staring at pictures of the women and gazing out at the big stone phallic symbols. When we return he's gazing at the women photos again and keeps on blathering about Courtney's motives and baits the crowd that he's about to wake up. Harrison leads the women in and states the obvious. Ben then comes in and hammers them with a string of long winded BS.

Roses:
1) Lindzi the Misspelled. Looked very pretty.

Harrison doesn't even bother to count to one.

2) Queen Courtney--Never a doubt.

Now, Harrison shows up to toss her out.

Dumped: Nicki the Narrator. One solo date and no group roses: never had a chance. She came in dressed like a Roman Plebeian and walks out looking classy. Ben, hoping to avoid anymore sudden returns, sits her down and mumbles some non-closure for her. She gives the producers some tears, but never goes nuts.

Next Week: The Women Try and Kill One Another and Earn a Spot on Bachelor Pad 3.

See ya then.









9 comments:

AbbyRose said...

"Hey Fleiss, why not just have Harrison run around behind Ben waving a sign that says, "Don't leave! Don't leave! This loser will be through shortly, and look who's next!" Hilarious!

Also loved how you described Kacie's hallway meltdown. Where is a balcony when you need one? I guess that is only for the guys.

Classic write up Captain!

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