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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

2/27--A Very StormHorse Fantasy


Credit to some gal friend of William "The Wise" Holman on Twitter who
created this artistic masterpiece.

Hey, hold on! Is this the Bachelor or the Bachelorette? Emily Maynard is getting co-billing with Ben Flajnik? Hey Ben, I think this is Fleiss' way of letting you know what an incredible dud you are. Before Ben could start foreshadowing the fact that he's soon to pick one of the most unpleasant people in this show's history as his fiancĂ©e, I get a long dose of Emily Maynard. Hey Fleiss, why not just have Harrison run around behind Ben waving a sign that says, "Don't leave! Don't leave! This loser will be through shortly, and look who's next!". Very subtle. Once they're done promoting Emily, we see Ben is still here and he is riven with fear he will pick the wrong person and blow it. Foreshadowing over, it's time for the stupid plane graphic, cause Ben is off to Switzerland to humiliate himself. As the little plane crosses that big bunch of water sometimes called an ocean, Ben tries to convince us (and himself) that he's interested in someone other than the Queen of Poison, Courtney. Speaking of Courtney, we get to see them skinny dip again and her highlights of awfulness reel plays just in case someone missed it the first time. He blathers on trying to plant seeds of doubt, and does Harrison's job for him. C'mon; land the damn plane graphic and lets get going!

Nicki

Ben greets Nicki in a field and they give it a tepid hug and kiss. In comes the 101st Airborne right on cue, and they head off for the mountains. Yoddle-ley-he-who! Time for a metaphor: " I feel my relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights (Mountain shot), but at the same time it's grounded…" He finally shuts up and skips the last metaphor as the chopper pilot puts it into a vertical dive. "…but it's about to hit the ground!" Ahh, c'mon, Ben, we won't tell her what a miserable liar you are when you sweet talk her into the Jungle Room at whatever suite Harrison has lined up for you. If you're gonna' bang a woman right before you dump her, you know you're gonna' look like a douche anyway--might as well have fun with it. Regardless, they land on a mountain top and review her hometown date and talk about her hitting him with the "L" word. She should have saved her breath. She yammers on like a Chatty Cathy Doll while Ben falls into Robot Mode--blink-nod-blink-nod-"That's good." He's enamored all right. They chopper away and then land on a phallic-shaped mountaintop so we can drink in the sight of the immense, stone-shaped penis that Ben doesn't have in his pants. "That spark I was looking for, I found it. I hope she accepts an overnight because…I really want to bang her one time for the road." No, he didn't say that; he just meant it.

As darkness falls, we see that the chopper didn't strand them on the huge stone pecker and they've made their way back to a log cabin chalet with dinner and a fireplace. They discuss how many kids they're not going to have together and Nicki pretty much tells him she's ready to move to California and set up house at his vineyard. Ben then gets a moment to furrow his caveman brows and say something really stupid. "I'm nervous to give her the card tonight; I hope she's ready for it." Ready? Dude, she sounds ready to pack herself in your suitcase. I think the evening is a "go!" Nervous or not, Ben whips out the 'ol sexcard.

Nicki reads:
"Ben, if you'd like to bury what's left of your reputation and Nicki, if you'd like to make your father cry, why not go to the Fantasy Suite and have a good shag on me?
Harrison"


Nicki quickly accepts and suggest they go get naked immediately. Once they get into the suite, Nicki gushes like she's trying to talk HIM out of his clothes and pretty much earns a gold medal in the Desperation Olympics. They climb into a bubble bath and Stormhorse rings one up. Next!

Lindzi

Ben meets Lindzi for another adrenaline date. He hauls her over a ridge and down into a gorge to go rappelling. They look down a 300 foot ledge and Lindzi looks ready to go back to the States. As scared as she looks, Ben looks terrified. Of course they don't actually rappel; they are simply lowered on some wires. Ben craps his pants and launches an "L" bomb. Hey Nicki, need to work on your sex game, it sounds like. They vanish from the gorge and are instantly in a hot tub. They make out and he drops another "L" bomb, just in case Nicki missed the first one and very quickly--the day date is over.

Back at the freebie resort, Lindzi keeps dropping "L" bombs to anyone but Ben, and gushes in a P.I. as they sit down to dinner. Ben, looking wickedly nerdish in a bow tie, pumps her to get her to say it to his face. They hammer on about how "vulnerable" she has become since it's a big word to her. She finally gives in and tells him she is falling in love with him and wants a proposal. Ben smiles, but backtracks, "I'm starting to fall in love with this woman." Hold on. You were "in-love" with her a few minutes ago. What happened? Regardless, here comes the sex card. Lindzi croaks in her frog-voice:

"Ben and Lindzi,
Care to have a go?
Harrison."


Lindzi immediately throws down some caveats about not jumping in the sack so quickly, buuuuuuuuuuuuttttt…"I'd love to." Cha-Ching! As opposed to just being horny--like with Nicki--Ben tells us he's "honored" Lindzi is going to spend the night with him. They get a modern suite to go roll around in and after a few minutes of making out on the couch, its straight to the bed. Stormhorse "L" bombs about Lindzi and says he sees himself "spending the rest of the night my life with this woman."

Courtney

"Today is all about Courtney." You mean like the rest of the season? Ben can't wait to sow doubts to give any viewer a few straws to grasp praying he doesn't pick her. He warbles on about how she has treated the other women, blah, blah. They go for a choo-choo ride and Courtney mumbles out a great line I'm certain a producer fed her, "I feel like we're in a painting." Is that from Desperate Housewives or the Joy Luck Club? Sorry, she has me wondering where she steals her best lines from. Anyway, Ben, looking glassy-eyed and besotted, gushes about the fact that Courtney wants to learn new things. You mean Nicki and Lindzi don't? Nevermind. They wander around a village and shop for food and trinkets. Ben becomes animated and dances around in disbelief he's going to nail the hot chick while Courtney apologizes to no one in particular for acting like Ursula the Sea Witch the entire season. They sit on a blanket and have a picnic in a field full of cow shit and Ben finally gets nettled with her for all the godawful behavior we've had to sit through the whole season. But in true Stormhorse fashion, he doesn't hammer her for the way she made the others feel, he huffs about her making it hard on HIM. Huh? You pussy! Courtney does a P.I.and desperately tries to dredge up some tears (and fails). Suddenly she's all pitiful and mindlessly in love with Mr. Dweeb.

They head into a wine cellar and Courtney keeps selling her contrition. Ben pours her a huge glass of merlot and she apologizes about treating the women so badly and she confesses to having her guard up. Your guard up? You were wrestling with his wiener 4 shows ago? Sounds like you need to hire a new guard. Ben soon displaces Nicki and takes the Desperation Gold Medal for himself and assures Courtney she is a peach, and she goes on about being immature and proves she took the hint from the producers that they were going to highlight every single bitchy thing she said and did. The redemption edit in progress, America yawns collectively. Ben exhales with relief and toasts her before he yanks out the sexcard.
 Courtney reads:
"Courtney…yeah, and Ben too,
Welcome to the amazing city of Intercourse. Switzerland. Speaking of intercourse, mind if we keep the cameras in the suite?
Wingman."


Ben begs and she quickly relents without teasing him. They go to a rustic cabin and make out. Courtney keeps up the redemption move and keeps gushing about Ben. I kept waiting her to gouge him, "I'm losing the spark, babe." But no. They climb into a steaming hot tube and Stormhorse scores the trifecta.

Emily Interlude

Time to remind the viewers not to run off into the blue retching over Ben and Courtney. It's time for an unprecedented pimp job featuring Emily Maynard, who will be filming the Bachelorette this March and viewers will see it in June. Little early isn't it? I think Fleiss just stole Ben's Gold Medal of Desperation from him. Nicki, you get the bronze, honey. Emily smiles at the camera and lets us know that she is waaaaayyy over Brad now. "My life has gotten back to normal." Suck on that, Womack. We quickly get a few nauseating shots of Emily wrestling her daughter--the dreaded Ricky-Tick--around and telling us the little gal is her whole world. Shift to L.A. and a hugggggeeeee stretch limo befitting someone of Emily's star status as she heads for a meeting with Ali Fedo-whatshername and Ashley Hebert. The two former ettes meet the future ette on an L.A. street corner. They try on a bunch of clothes and Emily looks way hotter than the other two. Now dressed in skin tight dresses, the triumvirate launches the theme for Emily's season and heads to a 3-D screening of Titanic. Suddenly Leo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet are on my screen making all Harlequin. They women depart their 10-minute version of a three hour movie and drink champagne on the street corner. Uh…"Date" over.

Back to Ben. Ugh

We head back to Intercourse, Switzerland where Ben is wistfully gazing out onto some stone phallic symbols and contemplating all the tail he just scored and tells us Courtney has laid all his concerns to rest. And up walks last weeks dumpee, Sweetie Pie Kacie. She nervously knocks on his hotel room door as back in Clarksville, Tennessee, Kacie's conservative father has a coronary watching his daughter going hot-knocking on the hotel door of a guy who has just laid three women in one week. Ben greets her with a "Holy shit! and gives her an awkward hug. She is back seeking clarity and was clearly blindsided by being dumped. Ben tells her they were world's apart and sounds reasonable and caring. She finally accepts his answers and then winds up and warns him off Courtney…again. Ben goes glacial. He walks her out and she apologizes for being the bearer of bad news and she walks away as he closes the door. Lacking a balcony to collapse over, Kacie settles for a Full Fedo-whatshername and collapses onto the hotel hallway floor looking like she'd just been gored with a whaling harpoon. She finally gets up and walks off before hotel security comes and gets her and tells the cameras she got answers and if he gets engaged to Courtney, she will break his heart. Ben sits in his room thumping his knuckles on the coffee table wondering how someone who is so good in the sack could be so bad for him.

When we return to the gimme hotel, Ben is wandering around doubting all over Courtney and wondering if he's being played. Harrison finally bestirs himself to get the low down. Ben fills him in and  says he's confused now. Harrison tries to get him to let Kacie reenter, but Ben declines and they go into recap mode. He gushes about all the women and defends his choices, especially Courtney. Ben decides to "decompress" by staring at pictures of the women and gazing out at the big stone phallic symbols. When we return he's gazing at the women photos again and keeps on blathering about Courtney's motives and baits the crowd that he's about to wake up. Harrison leads the women in and states the obvious. Ben then comes in and hammers them with a string of long winded BS.

Roses:
1) Lindzi the Misspelled. Looked very pretty.

Harrison doesn't even bother to count to one.

2) Queen Courtney--Never a doubt.

Now, Harrison shows up to toss her out.

Dumped: Nicki the Narrator. One solo date and no group roses: never had a chance. She came in dressed like a Roman Plebeian and walks out looking classy. Ben, hoping to avoid anymore sudden returns, sits her down and mumbles some non-closure for her. She gives the producers some tears, but never goes nuts.

Next Week: The Women Try and Kill One Another and Earn a Spot on Bachelor Pad 3.

See ya then.









Tuesday, February 21, 2012

2/20-Dodging a Howitzer Shell


Time to stop jet setting around the world on ABC's dime and it's time to visit the hometowns of the women foolish enough to bring Ben Flajnik home to meet their unhappy families. Hometown week on this season of the Bachelor turned out to be a low-key affair. We certainly can't accuse Stormhorse of keeping four of the same type of women this year. Things were different everywhere this season save one thing: Ben Flajnik was a disengaged robot not matter whose home he was at. I thought the families were going to keel over with boredom meeting this guy. Even compared to Brad Womack--a guy who could make a flag pole look animated-- cut off from the booze and the room to smooch the women to death, Ben looked disinterested, disengaged, and thoroughly bored with the whole mess. Strangely enough, so was I. But let's muddle through shall we?

Horse, Meet Stormhorse

We start off with Lindzi the Misspelled, hanging around a horse track in Ocala, Florida, where her parents live. Lindzi kicks it off by reading off a cue card about how "awesome" her dates with Ben have been. Yeah, sure. She is playing around with a stocky cart horse and fills us in about what a disaster her love life has been. Ben, who looks like now that he's finished with Stormhorsing his way through the Caribbean has decided to cut that chia pet on the top of his head with tin snips, reads his own cue card, "There are moments when we're together, when I could very well see myself falling in love with her." Left out is the part where he adds, "Then I wake up." Anyway, she greets him on her cart horse and they go for a cart ride. Once they stop in the grass, they climb off and have a picnic. It's here we get to see just how little Ben knows about her. She recounts her big trip to Dumpsville with her last boyfriend and tells him they even shacked up before he dumped her. Ben starts, "You did? Wow!" Yep, eight weeks and two dates, and he doesn't even know she had a live in. Hey Ben, how about kissing a little less and talking a little more, ok? Lindzi fills him in and Ben quickly falls into Robot Mode: Blink-nod-blink-nod-"Oh, you did? Glad you're being open and vulnerable." Lindzi assures him, "Vulnerable is a big word for me." Really? Like how "Plagiarism" is a big word for Courtney? More on that later. Finally Lindzi gets up and takes him to see her parents before Ben falls asleep and the Florida humidity turns Ben's hair into a frizz bush.

They amble the horse up where Lindzi's parents await them with their own Jack Russell Terriers. Margie and John Cox ("She calls me Harry"--I bet she does) greet the happy couple with Chardonay and it's apparent just how much this meant to the parents. They even went and hired Christine Baranski to portray Margie Cox for the day. Anyway, the kids recount their adventures and Harry pops in to inform his clueless daughter that he married Christine Baranski in the very same San Francisco City Hall that Ben has the key to in his pocket. Amazing. Pops then hits them with a producer-inspired stunt and the youngers and elders engage in a cart horse race. Supposedly the old farts whip the youngsters despite the fact that Lindzi is reputed to be a world class horse jockey, and the youngsters looked fifty feet ahead the whole time. This is all so the "losers" can haul the winners back to the house. They sit down for a talk and Lindzi informs Christine Baranski that she thinks "she's falling in love." Truthfully, the parents were cool and Lindzi is nice but comes off as very inexperienced in relationships, which explains why she likes Ben. Ben then sits mumsy down and finds out they kept Lindzi away from boys, so he asks if Lindzi is ready to be engaged after her trip to Dumpsville. Mom gives a fair answer but mostly takes a dig at her daughter, "He was no good for her, but as a mom, you don't know anything--despite being married for forty years." Simmer down Christine! This isn't about you for once. Anyway, Ben sits down with dad and warns him he's not ready for proposals. Dad sits there drinking from a Mason jar wine glass like Buck Owens and agrees neither of them is ready. They all eat smores and Ben gets wistful, "I could see myself asking Harry Cox for advice". Dude, you're already doing that and he's not helping you out much. Anyway, they have a good time and Ben acts nearly lifelike. He then gushes about Lindzi, "She's humble; she's grounded--and I like that." Really? Then stop asking Harry Cox for advice, bud; cause humble isn't what you're about to get. Date over.

The Last Train to Clarksville. Also Known as: The Parental Wrecking Ball.

If ever there was proof of Ben's lack of foresight, this was it. Next up, we travel to Clarksville, Tenn; the home of 24 year-old Kacie Boguskie, who is going to act, and be treated like a High School senior by her parents. At 24, Kacie is the youngest remaining member of Ben's harem and to prove it she greets him at her old high school football field leading a marching band and twirling her baton. Frankly, I wanted to call a cop. You're a little old for her, aren't you Ben? Kacie, despite her undeniable heart of gold and terrific looks, was finally exposed for being ten miles out of her element on this show. Once she marches up, she attacks Ben like HE is the chia pet she had in her room all through school. Ben actually looked embarrassed. What follows was proof of Ben's idiocy: she hauls him up into the bleachers of Boguskie Stadium and tells him about her family, especially her dad. Ben's eyes bug out when she informs him she's from the local political gentry-southern mafia--and her dad is a tee-totaling, shoot-from-the-hip Federal Regulator. Ben drops a brick in his pants and mimes swallowing an orange--whole. "Her dad doesn't drink and I'm a booze salesman; not sure how this is going to go." I am.

She pulls him away to meet the folks like a fan at a Menudo concert. Ben starts eyeing the exits before they even clear the stadium that's named after her southern mafia grandaddy. Mom Martha, Sister Allison, and Dun-dun-dun! Daddy, greet Ben. Being southern folk, they treat him hospitably, but with that cold frostiness we southerners are justly famous for when greeting someone we don't like. They sit down to dinner and Ben sticks his foot in it right away, "How's it been having this one away for so long?" Mom, who looks about 5 years older than her daughter lets Ben know they are a CLOSE family. Dad just stares and grunts threateningly. Ben tries to BS them about how this show makes you deal with your feelings. Kacie joins in and tries to explain to her iceberg parents that this helped her take the time to think about feelings. Dad grunts again but manages to smile politely, but in obvious disbelief, "That's good." Kacie then takes aside her younger sister, Allison to whine and complain that mommy and daddy won't let go to the prom with the skeezy dude…or get engaged either. Allison, who has to live with these people still, shuts her trap, smiles, and lets Kacie prattle on. Kacie talks about taking risks as opposed to getting married to a local boy from church and having a family in Clarksville, which is apparently what she's been basically told is going to happen. Despite the fact that her folks obviously love her, and have brains enough to know this show is about as real as P.T. Barnum, I was saddened to watch a 24 year-old go through what looked like teenaged rebellion.

Dad finally sits Ben down and Ben starts to look like a guy who should have gotten to know this gal a little better. Dad, looking every inch the heavily armed Federal Agent/Church Deacon, goes right to it: "What did you see in Kacie to make you take her this far?"
Ben starts rumblin', bumblin', and stumblin'. "Uh, the way she communicates. I noticed a special quality in her. I like her."
Dad grunts.
Ben starts to piss his pants. "Are…are you ok with this forum?"
"Well, don't rush."
That one Ben can handle. "I'm not!"
Pops lets Ben know that he couldn't disapprove of him or this show any more if he had stepped in both of them while walking his dog. "If Kacie is not the one, dump her quick!"
Ben eyes the exits again. Next up, Mom Martha, just to be certain that Ben got the message, throws a wrecking ball into the already smoldering wreck. "I've seen the show, and I see them..well, they move in together--and I have a serious problem with that."
Touche, Mom! Wow, how many messages did she hide in those few sentences? Allow me to translate: You're not allowed to shack up with my 24 year-old daughter and since I've watched the show--forget about the Fantasy Suite Stormhorse! 
Yikes! Ben now swallows a grapefruit. "I…..uh, uh, have traditional values." Like shtupping models on Puerto Rican beaches, Ben? Oh man, for once I should let the guy off easy--he's clearly suffered enough here. But this is the price you pay for kissing when you should be talking. Dummy.

Kacie now has a sit down with pops, but the die is already cast. Pops now shows the country common sense and basically rules out a quick engagement. Kacie tries to talk him around, "Dad, I've fallen in love with him."
Pops glares at her, Like hell you have. Oh man, this was painful. Pops pretty much communicates to her that the reverends son, who has always liked her, will be coming by later to start courtin'. Dad lets her know that he will refuse any any request for her hand. The guy is honest--hell, they all were, and there can be no doubt that they were right, like parents usually are, but a 24 year-old college graduate shouldn't need to lie about wanting to live with a guy to her parents. That's my take anyway, even as a southern boy. Kacie walks him out and senses her parents have destroyed this for her. Did they? No, this guy was never gonna pick her, but the parents made sure that didn't happen, just in case. Date over.

Narrating Texas

As this episode went on, its become apparent why a girl who got 1, one-on-one date and ZERO group date roses narrated this season: because if they didn't use her P.I.'s to narrate everything, we wouldn't have a clue who this girl who made the final 3 was. Never have I seen a bigger also-ran go this far in any Bachelor competition. Nicki greets Ben in Texas and shows off the fact that when it comes to bod, looks, etc, she is not in any of the other three girls' league. Don't get me wrong--she's my favorite of the remaining women, but I have to be honest here. Anyway, Nicki takes Ben to a cowboy shop and they dress like Texas yokels instead of like the last time, when they dressed like Puerto Rican yokels. But Nicki looked GREAT in her cowgirl jeans and big belt, big hips notwithstanding. Hell, even Ben looked less weird in the bad assed Clint Eastwood get-up they donned him in. Once done with the Texas stereotypes we meet Nicki's family--a great bunch of folks who care about their daughter as much as Kacie's family did about her, without the controlling behavior. Turns out mom and pops have been divorced for ages, but everyone seemed cool and looked to care about each other. But the star here was pops; Nicki's dad was a caring and decent man who actually bawled a little when talking to Nicki and asked her forgiveness for not protecting her from her ex-husband. This was sweet. Damn shame it was wasted on a guy with no real interest in her. Nicki, I hope you take the free flight to Switzerland and then eliminate yourself before he does. Anyway, Ben gets an "I'm in love you," and a father's blessing he doesn't want, but he cheeses us anyway, "Today, there were moments when I looked over at Nicki and thought, I love this girl." Date over.

Lady Vader in the Desert

Well, say what you will, but at least we got to see Courtney act remotely human this time. Standing outside she awaits Ben basking in the sun and a voice over tells us how she's had to think about how she treated the other girls. Heh. Nice audio splice, Fleiss; did you record this last week when the backlash exploded in your faces? Anyway, Courtney is shown to take ben home to meet her folks while Ben gushes about the clarity he got by being able to sit next to her on a Mayan Human Sacrifice Temple and still get a boner. The folks greet Ben: dad Rick, mom Sherry, who already looked ready to run to a tabloid, and Courtney's sister. They eat on the patio, and mom, looking like an even crazier Madeline Kahn, scoffs skeptically. Pops seats Ben and tells Ben that marriage is an insane gamble or something similar. Looking at his wife, the guy has a point. But that doesn't stop dad from trying desperately to get Ben to take his maniac-daughter off his hands. Seconds after telling Ben that marriage is a wild gamble, pops is pimping for grandkids. Mom and Courtney share a talk, and I thought for a moment that Courtney was adopted, until I see they share the crazy eyes. Mom folds quick and the whole family wants Ben to haul her away and keep her away.

Courtney now takes Ben out to a fake wedding, where Courtney gets her moment to look sincere, but shows her insincerity by plagiarizing some mock wedding vows. How sincere were her words of love? Let's see:

Carrie Bradshaw to Mr. Big on Sex in the City:
Carrie: "I’m looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each other love."

Courtney Robertson to Mr. Small on the Bachelor:
Courtney: "I'm looking for love, real love, all-consuming, can't live without it love."
Aww, true love. Puke.





Who's This Strange Guy?

Suddenly we're back in L.A., and Ben is sitting and talking with a guy who looks somewhat familiar. Whoa, is that Harrison? Jeez, Wingman, how come you're not drunk in the hotel bar? He should have just stayed in the bar getting tanked. His only purpose is to nod and prompt Ben to merely recap the visits with previously seen footage now shown through a gauzy lens. No sign of all those fatherly advice sessions Harrison keeps telling us about, just a lame recap. Hell, let's just do it.

Roses:

1) Queen Courtney--she had him at Hello (Thank you, Jerry Maguire).

2) Lindzi the Misspelled--Does she have a chance? Slim and none.

3) Nicki the Narrator--none.

Dodged a Howitzer Shell:

Sweetie-Pie Kacie. Ben walks her out where she falls completely to pieces. he does nothing but mumble he's sorry and then sends her on her way where she comes completely unglued. I'm sure Christmas at the Boguskie house was a chilly affair, but after watching this show, even Kacie must be thanking them for the sabotage job. She'll be busy fielding offers, and I hope happy.

Next Week: Switzerland Calls.












Wednesday, February 15, 2012

2/14--Happy Valentines Day! The Courtney Show, Part 7


My Friends, it's time we all faced facts. We are a crowd of people standing on a hillside peering down into a beautiful valley. And in that valley--far off in the distance--we are watching two locomotives approaching each other at ever increasing speed on the same track. Train wreck, doesn't even begin to cover what we're watching. Let's see what Chris Wingman Harrison has to say about this season now that he's sobered up from his trip to Switzerland:

"You never know how America is going to react, and even during filming, I wouldn't have predicted they'd feel this way."

No! You don't mean your idea of a "homerun" isn't being shared by the viewers? I'm shocked! No more talk of "the evolution of a man" is being spouted by the Winger. Nope, he's in dedicated cover-his-own-ass-mode:

Although Harrison understands the blame aimed towards Ben, he does say that he wished viewers could see the deliberations. "He and I spoke before he pulled Courtney aside, and I think if viewers saw that, they would've seen just how much I pushed him on it and why he ultimately started to question her," he says.

Yeah, 'ol Harrison was throwing warnings right and left, we just weren't allowed to see how he tried to save the day. Gone now is even any attempt to bait a happy ending:

 "This season may not be a Trista and Ryan fairytale or an Ashley and J.P. situation where everyone's rooting for them ... but as long as people have opinions about it, that's what matters," Harrison says. "It's when they're indifferent that it's bad."

Ha! Ha! Just damn! C'mon folks, pile on board; the locomotives are closing fast and it should be quite a carnage-filled massacre when they strike! You just have to love the temerity of the buzzards who make this show, don't you? Gather around folks, the vultures are circling and the carrion will be served well-done. No other way to approach this now--coming alongside with snark cannons belching broadsides of venom--let's get this on!

"Be-lize" Stop Saying Such Cheesy, Fake Shit!

We see Ben come airplaning his way down on Ambergris Cay in the Central American paradise, Belize. He pimps the Coco Beach Resort to pay for the lodging before he climbs from his plane and tells us the island lifestyle is slow, "so I can think about everything." Thinking is obviously not Benny-Boy's strong suit. If he'd quit thinking with his wiener for a minute, he wouldn't need a tropical isle to lounge on so he could gain clarity. Anyway, the women come planing in from wherever and come boating over to the gimme' of the week. They all gush about the resort and Stool Pigeon Emily gets a chance to throw down her first shark-metaphor about Queen Courtney. All the remaining women join in and whine about having to share their girlyman with other women and about how "real" it's all becoming. Somebody finally got the Wingman out of the resort pool, and he comes stumbling up dressed in his blue linen shirt to let the women know that Ben is already a goner and to swear to the almighty that Ben is certain his wife is here in this resort. (Cue audience laughter). He dramatically warns that the women who get roses this week, will have to take Ben home and try to explain their sudden madness to their parents. He then hits them with a change up: Three 1-on-1 dates and 1 group date; rose only on the group affair. Slipping the first date card from his jeans, Harrison calls out Queen Courtney to try and read aloud while he slithers back to the resorts bar. As Courtney tries to pronunciate words, Nicky the Narrator narrates and plays the punching bag by whining about how much she needs another date as Courtney reads out the name of Lindzi the Misspelled. Nicki shuts up for a minute and frowns while Courtney reads: "Lindzi, two halves make a whole…Ben." It takes obvious producer-prompting for Lindzi to exclaim: "I'm excited!" Who are you trying to convince, Lindzi? Nicki narrates again and bawls about how envious she is and cries like a meltdown case.

Ben Jumps Into Another Big Hole

The producers get Lindzi and Courtney to stage a fake conversation so they can get some shots of the other gals in bikinis scowling as Ben ambles up dressed in what looks like boxer shorts and a wife beater. Sexy. He has a front pocket on his wife-beater? What is he a nerd from Alabama? Awful. Anyway, he grabs Lindzi and rides off with her in another helicopter. They soar around the caye to show off the tourist value of the place while Lindzi lets us know she is about 7 gazillionth woman on this show with a fear of heights. Lindzi, sounding like a old woman with one of those fake voice boxes, growls about how she and Ben share values. Really? You skinny dip with men while simultaneously dating ten others? Damn, sounds like a match. They copter around some reefs and the chopper finally settles over a blue hole surrounded by a coral reef. Ben assures us it's 500 feet deep and then tells Froggy they're going to jump into it. Ding! Ding! Yes, it's time for another Leap of Faith! I can't remember if this is the third or fourth one this season, or the 537th one the last few seasons. C'mon, Harrison; come up with some kind of original theme, would you? The chopper pilot settles in to about ten feet and you can all but see Ben shoving a terrified Lindzi closer to the chopper door. What was she afraid of? Is the ocean around Belize made of concrete? My diving board is higher up than that chopper was. Regardless, they dramatically hop in. The audience is asked to forget that the jump Ben took with Elyse in Puerto Rico off the top of that rental boat was higher than this. But that wasn't a Leap of Faith, you see; you are only allowed to use tired, stale, worn-out metaphors on this show if you mean to keep the girl instead of dump her. The swim around kissing and get out on a camera boat and make out.

When next we see them, they are approaching the dock and the sun has set. Ben hauls her up onto a dock so they can have some forced, stupid conversation.
 "It was such a good day. Every date getting better and better. It's great!"
"Absolutely!"
(Crickets)
The second he has nothing to say, Ben kisses her. Lindzi then hits him with her trademark stare. In other words, she dips her head and has to look up through her messy bangs at him. Finally, he pumps her about hometowns and wonders if she is ready to bring him home. Lindzi frog-voices her assent to having to explain to her folks why she wants them to meet this spineless loser.
Back at the gimme', the date card arrives and Chain Smokin' Rachel reads off "Emily, do you Be-lize in love…Ben" Puke! Convinced I'm not vomiting hard enough, we head back at the dock to see Lindzi is now thoroughly bombed and they trade canned metaphors about a Leap of Faith. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ben produces a bottle and parchment so they can write a dumb poem, draw a kiddy picture, and stuff it into the bottle so they can litter the harbor. Date over.

The Stool Pigeons Last Stand

Emily's face pops up on screen. "I'm going on a date today and I don't know what we're going to be doing but it's going to be amazing!" Right. You have no idea what nonsense he's about to foist on you, but you already know it's going to be amazing? Fleiss, (face in hands, tears threatening to fall) will you puleeezzzee get some new writers, you cheap old bastard! Emily must have a 130 I.Q. and she sounds like Forrest Gump! Who the hell writes this shit; George Lucas? Anyway, this is just an excuse to get Queen Courtney to sound all woe-is-me. They cram Emily into a plane and she lands on Caye Caulker where Ben is waiting on her. They share a tepid hug and Ben takes her to wander around. It looks almost exactly like Brad Womack's date with Shawntel Newton, sans the crazy Rastafarian lady and the world famous Bankie Banx. Turns out Bankie wasn't in the budget. Ben takes her to play basketball and gets confused; he thinks it's football and tries to tackle her. Emily pulls up and drains a two footer. Take that, girlyman! Your girlfriend just gave you a facial! Whoops, wrong girlfriend. Anyway, they just happen to wander down a dock where some dude is playing with some lobster and just happens to be willing to take them lobster diving. Wasn't that lucky? He just happened to be willing to take them out. Wasn't that sweet of him? (Fleiss! I'm serious; new writers!) They head out on his boat and Emily and Ben catch a lobster. Ben, being the eternal teenaged boy, holds the crustacean airborne in victory and asks Emily that famous junior high school canard, "Hey, Emily, what's worse than a lobster on your piano?"
She stares at him in confusion, "I have no idea. What?"
"A crab on your organ!"
No, not really. I just made that last part up, but tell me it wasn't better than Fleiss' writers and perfect for Ben's maturity level. Anyway, they flash back to the gimme to keep the focus on Courtney. Turns out the queen is busy pestering Lindzi and wants to whine, threaten to refuse a rose if she doesn't get the next one-on-one, and cry about what a zero Ben is. Seven weeks and 587 arrogant, mean, and self-centered comments and she finally said something I agree with. Amazing. When we return from commercial, we see…Courtney? Isn't this Emily's date? Why am I looking at Courtney lounging in bed and acting like she knows how to write in a journal? Hey Emily! Are you still here? Turns out she's is, and I'm sure she was wishing she wasn't. Ben couldn't land Bankie Banx, but Fleiss has kidnapped his band. Ben is dancing Emily around at a party, driving his tongue down her throat and telling us a bunch of lies about her. They then sit down at an outdoor table and eat the lobsters they caught so Ben can bait her into confessing that she wants him to come meet her parents. Emily works hard, assures him it's true and invites him back to North Carolina. Ben drops into full Robot Mode the entire time she was speaking: Blink-Nod-Blink-Nod-Blink-Nod-"Why thank you!" Yeah, I don't think we have to book that flight to the Carolinas. Ben then proposes a toast and all but admits she is too smart for him, despite her inability to see that he's about to dump her. Date over.

Queen Courtney mopes back at the gimme' threatening to walk off the show if she doesn't get a one-on-one. (Cue door knock). Lindzi reads the card: "Courtney, please forgive me for not making every date with you… Ben", or something like that. Courtney manages the prodigious feat of dancing around in victory without ever getting up. "Ohhhhh, snap. About time! Gimme my date card! He's a smart boy--he listens." If Ben ever gets out of basement she locks him in and sees this, he's liable to be embarrassed. Nah. Anyway, Kacie loses her mind in a P.I. "It took every freaking fiber of my being not to spring across the room and punch her right in the face!" It was like watching Mother Teresa going postal.

Is It Possible To Order a Human Sacrifice? I Want To Place an Order...For Two.

Courtney mopes around the gimme' and tries to sell the audience that despite being naked in his presence the last three weeks, she's not sure she feels anything for the wormy little dude. Yet another plane lands in Lamanai and Ben, who is hanging out on yet another jungle runway awaits his empress. He walks her five feet into the jungle before he starts scraping and groveling "I'm sorry it's taken so long to get you on another one of these…" They walk ten feet and arrive at the base of a Mayan Pyramid. "I was walking through the jungle with Courtney and we come across this Mayan temple…" Uh-huh. Just wandering around in a random piece of Belizian jungle and you just happened to stumble upon a Mayan temple, eh Ben? Courtney perks up at the thought of all the blood and horror surrounding them, "Is this where they do the Human Sacrifices?" Well, she knows that anyway. In a P.I., Darth Courtney maps out her strategy. "…He went out with Emily; if she gets a hometown, that will be really unattractive to me…" Subtle, isn't she? They then march up the pyramid steps and climb straight up to a platform near the top. They lay down a blanket on the spot they seem certain was a sacrifice altar and she proceeds to bust his gnat-sized balls. The sun blasts down and the take turns covering their eyes from the broiling sun as she holds court. "I was down because you were with Emily, and she's the person who said nasty things to me…and if I didn't get a date from you, honestly, I wasn't going to accept a rose from you. Also I'm not about to bring someone home when I don't know where we're at." This is the place where I'd normally congratulate a contestant for having enough moxy to put it out there straight. But I'm afraid I can't…since its HER. She whines that despite dominating every group date and watching him drool all over her and ignore the other women, "I lost the spark, babe." Ben seizes with terror. I seize with revulsion.

Any other contestant in the 16 seasons of this show who'd have uttered this bunch of threats would have been summarily dismissed on the spot. God help me, but even Jake Pavelka would have kicked her of the side of that temple for those threats. I call for more wine and fight down the rising bile as Ben springs into action:
 "If anything I respect it more that you threaten to dump me if I don't kiss your ass and cut the girls you want me to cut tell me those things. I like you and I'm amazed you've been able to hang on since I wasn't able to fix your dinner for you and wash your clothes and console you while those other awful bitches got to be the recipient of your mean sneers and vicious put downs. In those group dates, because you were shamelessly flirting with me and had your clothes off half the time, I noticed you--I did!"

Is there anything on this earth more pathetic than a 28 year-old "man" groveling on his belly like a whipped cur? Ben might as well have fixed a spiked dog collar around his neck and licked her feet. Just gross. He keeps on gushing until she finally shut him up so she could get him to beg to be able to come to her hometown. They sit up on the top tier of the temple and he starts wondering how proud his dad would be of him for acting like a 14 year-old pawing at the first woman who touched his dick. Are we sure Ben wasn't a virgin when she vagina-raped him on that Puerto Rican beach? Those who hammered Ben for being a Stormhorse can stop worrying. Stormhorse wasn't an alter ego, it was a fantasy Ben dreamed up. He hasn't got enough sand in his tank to be a Stormhorse. He takes to dinner and grovels a little more and all but guarantees her a rose. Courtney gets a chance to shoot a final kiss off to the women with her fully loaded fingers. "Pshoo, pshoo…kill shot! Pack your bags, ladies, it's all over!" Yeah, for once, listen to her ladies. Date, and Ben's remaining dignity: over.

Swimming With…Nurse Sharks?

My, that was dangerous wasn't it? Nurse Sharks? Are you kidding me? They're about as dangerous as goldfish. Shhh! Nobody tell Chain Smokin' Rachel; she was terrorfied, I tell ya! I was waiting to see Nemo and his dad come swimming into the picture and scare the poor Nurse Sharks to death. They finally get a rational fear that EVERYONE has and they make a joke of it. Sweetie Pie Kacie, sounding more and more like a Tennessee Rambo-ette this episode, shouts, "I'm not scared of the sharks! I'm scared Rachel is hogging all of Ben's time!" Heh. Regardless, what do we need to say about this date? Ben took his three also-ran women out on a boat to swim with the terrifying Nurse Sharks. Rachel, whom Ben has had one boring, awkward, chemistry-free date with, swims around hogging Ben's attention and showing off some nice juggs. Nicki the Narrator, whose had one boring, awkward, low-chemistry date with Ben, and never gets a group date rose, sports a darkening tan and some awesome juggs Ben has ignored.
Only Kacie, who scores yet another group date rose has he shown any interest in. Who are they kidding? This was just an excuse for the women to get Ben alone and try (again) to warn him about Courtney. What for? He's seen her in action; what more does he need to know? No matter. They warn him anyway and he blithely ignores them. Choo! Chooooooooooo!

Courtney's Final Moment…for This Week.

On to the cocktail party that wasn't. The women come walking up to the gimmes' patio area barefoot and sit down. Courtney, already half-gassed and acting extra double obnoxious, drinks booze and whoops it up while the other women squirm nervously awaiting the chance to impress our hero one last time. But our hero is a no-show. Out walks anti-hero Harrison and informs the women that Courtney's Ben's mind is made up and she he needs no more time to decide. Courtney's plays with her drink like a drunk, retarded, 4 year-old while Harrison lines 'em up.

Roses: Sweetie Pie Kacie the Rambo-ette.

Ben wanders in and just for some added false drama, he drags Courtney aside before he starts so he can bask in the glow of her wonderfulness a few more minutes. The producers monitor their talk so they can bait the audience that he's actually gotta set of nuts and is going to dump her. Courtney shrugs and basically tells him she wasn't here to make friends and has ben a total bitch. Ben nods and leads her back.

Roses:
1) Narrator Nicki--why? I mean, I like her but Ben doesn't seem too. Not a single group date rose?

2) Lindzi the Misspelled--well, I understand this one anyway.

Enter Wingman: "Ladies, Courtney, Ben; this is the final rose tonight. Ben, when you dump Rachel and Emily, be sure not to walk them out. We want the audience to think you're an even bigger turd than they already do. When you're ready…"

3) Courtney--she bounces up and gets her flower like drunken pre-school has just been convened. Once she has the flower she skips back to her place twirling it around like the Lombardi Trophy and does everything but slap Emily in the face with it.

Dumped:
Chain Smokin' Rachel--sweetie, your days of filling a dress with your wonderful juggs are over. And Stool Pigeon Emily. Good luck finding a date, Doctor. You'll need it when the first three hundred men who see you try and get your phone number.

The Captain's Conclusion: ok, it's Valentines Day, February 14th and I'm making my call. But Captain; we don't want to hear any spoilers! Who said anything about spoilers? The show has spoiled itself. He picks Courtney…and they deserve one another too. As for all of you people out there who keep saying Courtney makes "good TV." then you're watching the wrong show. There's plenty of trash TV out there these days, but I'm not interested in it. Watching Courtney has been like being trapped in a dentist chair for 7 weeks. This chick is so self-centered she has her own gravitational field. That's not good TV to me.

Next week: The Courtney Show, part 8, what else? I'll see ya then.




Tuesday, February 7, 2012

2/6--And the Band Played On


The Magical Date of Kacie B.

Just how magical was it? I have no idea. Turns out the Wench Queen fiddled with our DVR to make sure she didn't miss the debut of The Voice and fiddled the Bachelor right off the recorder. I'm soooo glad she did too. I mean there is such a horrible shortage of shitty singing shows in our house. Anyway, we usually wait 15 or 20 minutes into the show before we start watching so we can skip the commercials, so the early part of the show has vanished into Dish Network vapor. And since my internet connection sucks so much ass (Thank you, AT&T!) I couldn't catch it online and was reduced to reading the Wingman's blog for clues. Suffice it to say, I wasn't the only one missing Kacie's date with Ben; turns out the Wingman was busy cratering his gameshow, You Deserve It! into the ground and skipped the date too. Ok, since he was too busy hosting hiding in the resort bar his gameshow, I'll have to wing this. Ben took Kacie to an Puerto Rican island (I'll assume a helicopter was involved) where they frolicked in the sand and surf and he peck-kissed her a bunch and then gave her a rose. Date over. Hey, this is easy; maybe I'll skip watching from now on and just write the recaps this way. It's not like they're going to do anything I haven't seen before.

Group Date:

Yeah, when I finally got to start watching, the Group Date names had already been called and Boom-Boom Blakely and Chain Smokin' Rachel know they're the ones been called out for the 2-on-1-Somebody-Gets-Jettisoned Date. When I finally see the show Ben is puttering around in a super long John Boat with an outboard on the back in the middle of some Panamanian River. He picks up Stool Pigeon Emily; Nicki the Narrator; Lindzi the Misspelled; Casey S.; Nurse Jamie; and of course, Queen Courtney. They putter along to a Panamanian Tourist Trap so the Bachelor can begin its once or twice a season cultural open-mindedness tour. Ben guides them up out of the water where they've been pelted with Rainforest rain, and up to a village of tame natives. The natives, who actually live in normal houses and dress in jeans and t-shirts, have donned their tribal bead gear and are hanging out in a mock-up of a real native village. This is all a huge excuse to dress the women in Tarzan and Jane tribal gear and let Queen Courtney yank her tits out. All the other women take turns running to the camera for private interviews about what a skank Courtney is for getting naked with the natives. Ben foams at the mouth and appears to ignore all the other women while Courtney parades around with her nipples poking through the bead layer and giggling like a moron. Fleiss got out his black boxes again and plastered them across Courtney's…stomach? Breast meat expert Greaseball Wes Hayden Tweeted, "Surprise! Courtney's got her arrangatang titties floppin' in the wind." Who am I to argue with the Greaseball? Considering the black box placement, it does appear that gravity has started acting unkindly to the Queen though. Regardless, Ben emerges with the local chief and shows off the least impressive Bachelor bod since Jason Mesnick first pestered DeAnna Pappas. Should have sent the guy to the gym, Fleiss. He hams around and stares at Courtney's "arrangatang titties". Regardless, what's the over-under on how long it takes before Hayden crashes into that like a Saturn V rocket?

As night falls, Ben hauls the women back to a Donald Trump freebie resort and grabs Lindzi the Misspelled to brag about his tribal loincloth, and talk about how hot he is for compared to all the other women except Courtney. They discuss Dumpsville again before they make out. Back at the gimme', Boom-Boom and Marlboro Girl show off contrasting styles of their expectations for their 2-on-1 showdown: Blakely, for extra foreshadowing, insists she is "super confident' while Rachel complains about having to share and acts nervous. Meanwhile, back at the hotel pool, Ben hauls Queen Courtney away so he can brag about getting her naked again. He pretty much tells her he knows she's a total bitch and he's cool with it. The baby voice comes out so she can whine about losing sight of "them'. Ben gapes at her in sheer terror, "How can you lose sight of something like that?" Because she's done it with a hundred guys, dummy. She skanks down and tells him what room she's in so he can come by and bang her again. She hangs on him and does everything but stuff her panties into his mouth. Now it's time for the producer-maggots to ply their snake-like trade on Nurse Jamie. Jamie has been rendered mercifully mute up to this point, but now egged on that she's about to get dumped for not being forward and agressive enough, Jamie falls into the Fleiss-web and plans to get herself humiliated before departing. Jamie plans to jump him, but Queen Courtney has other ideas. Ben sits Jamie down and she tries to talk with him, but the producers send Courtney in behind them in a white bikini to frolic in the pool. Ben, acting like a 16 year-old in a whorehouse, practically gives himself whiplash trying to ogle Courtney while Jamie tries to talk to him. Rude. Dude, you're such a teenager; haven't you seen enough of that yet? Ben finally gets a moment alone with Stool Pigeon Emily and instead of being a Courtney-rat again, she shows off her I.Q. and a good sense of humor. But this is merely a set up, of course. After apologizing to Ben for ragging his girlfriend, Emily returns to the harem and tries to apologize to Courtney. Courtney, now good and drunk, waves around her cask of red wine around and sneers, "So I'm supposed to bend over and take it up the tailpipe?" No, no, Courtney. That's for later. And please wait until the cameras are gone before you take it up the tailpipe this time, ok? Anyway, she proves that edit has nothing to do with anything; she's a mean, nasty bitch and Ben could care less. He does, however, take Lindzi aside and hand her the flower. Courtney screws up her trout pout mouth, fumes and plans her tailpipe invasion for later. We now see Courtney in "her" room waiting on Mr. Wonderful to come by and hammer her tailpipe while she whines that men love her in the beginning, but once they're done assaulting her tailpipe and discover what a harpy she is, they dump her. Alas, Romeo Stormhorse doesn't arrive until the cameras leave. Date over.

Boom-Boom Gets Blindsided

Time for some 2-on-1 sandbagging. Blakely gushes about how pumped she is to go and get dumped. Courtney wishes them both unending agony in the bowels of hell, and off they go. Ben, dressed in a Farmer Brown checked-shirt and piss-yellow pants, greets them and takes them to a place to learn salsa dancing. He lies about how "equal" the women are and takes them to meet a pro salsa teacher. They get made over in salsa dancing dresses that make them both look like characters in a Dr. Seuss book. The teacher puts Ben through the paces while the women look on. Rachel stands there while Blakely practices while the coach does the steps. Rachel struggles around and then Blakely steps in and does the dance with a sexy vavoom. They battle over who gets to cut in on who while Ben stands there like a robot. Blakely vavooms while Rachel stumbles around. He then takes them to a mighty uncomfortable dinner. He takes Rachel away first and Rachel gets sufficiently desperate and kisses Ben's ass for him. He returns the favor and kisses her lips. Blakely gets her time and says she is super nervous and cries. She tells Ben, "I feel like I'm always the one talking…" He stonewalls her some more so she whips out a producer-inspired scrapbook. BUZZZ! Clear violation of  etiquette for pulling out a collage before the Last Chance Dates. Ben looks detached and unimpressed, but she walks away "much more confident." He makes out with her to set the stage. The trap laid, they head back to the table. "Rachel, will you accept this rose?" Blakely's head snaps around and she hops up and storms off. He goes to follow her while she pulls a "Flajnik" and marches off ignoring him. I was cheering her on too. "Go Blakely! Don't stop!" But she finally does. She cries all over him as he deposits her in the cargo van and Rachel gets her moment to pull a Courtney. "I have the rose and Blakely does not!" The bag snatcher comes into the cage and hauls Blakely's bag away. The other women basically cheer. Yeah, who's gonna' do your hair now, girls? Date over.

Sherlock Harrison Nails Another One

The women, their hair partially set without Blakely's help, sit around on the sofas gossiping when in walks the oft-absent Wingman. The producers, having decided it's time to remove Courtney's only ally in the house, send Harrison in to out mute Casey S. for having a boyfriend. What ensues it a ridiculous pantomime of Justin Rated-R Rego's outing at the hands of Ali Fedotowsky a few seasons back. Harrison takes Casey outside and confronts her with the info they've clearly had for a while: Casey has a guy back home she was basically living with right before the show started filming. Since Harrison has been too busy getting his gameshow canceled to talk with Ben this season, this is his Big Moment. The past few seasons the guy has been reduced to acting like a Private Detective taking dirty photos of cheating husbands. He browbeats Casey, who is a terrible liar, until she finally admits she loves the guy who helped out her. Sufficiently pleased, Prosecutor Wingman slaps on his deerstalker, dangles his clay pipe from his mouth and takes her to number 10 Baker Street or wherever they have Ben stashed. Sherlock leads her up some stairs barefoot and down to Ben's room. He answers the door with the cameraman clearly visible behind him, "Uh, I wasn't expecting you both…" What, was Harrison due to give you a massage, Ben? Harrison sits her down and she tells Ben she loves some other douche who doesn't want to get married either. Ben goes cold, "I think that since I cut several less attractive women who were really into me instead of you, that you should just leave and let me stand out on the balcony, wistfully gazing at the ocean like I just cut one so I can try and remember your name." Harrison leads Casey outside so she can bawl about what a shit sandwich her life is. Boo hoo. He then throws her into a van with no shoes on and no baggage and orders the driver to buy her a bus ticket back to America. She melts down like they are going to make her walk back home. Barefoot.

A Nearly Flawless Escape, Foiled.

Oh, you demon producers; couldn't you just let her go with all her dignity intact? Of course you couldn't. Nurse Jamie, who's spent the last 6 weeks as a mute, becomes a desperation highlight when she tries to save her TV skin at the last minute. The producers, doubtlessly egging her on, sit back and watch as she tries to vavoom it up like her name is Courtney, but craters her sterling edit instead. Desperate to stay in the game, Jamie takes Ben aside and tries to dry hump him to death. Her dress gives her a near fatal wedgie as she tries to climb on his crotch and make out with him. So uncomfortable with the cameras in her face, she cracks up in his mouth when she cries to kiss him. Valiantly trying to get them on the same page, she tries to give closed mouth/open mouth kissing instructions to him. Ben finally puts his head in his hand and begs her to stop. Up yours, Fleiss. Despite the desperate awkwardness, Jamie was very nice on night one and clearly did nothing else besides this to embarrass herself cause you know damn well we'd have seen it if she did.

Roses:
Already safe: Sweetie Pie Kacie B.; Lindzi the Misspelled; Chain Smokin' Rachel.
1) Nicki the Narrator--got her 5 minutes alone with him, but that's all.
2) Queen Courtney:
"Courtney, will you accept this rose?"
"Of course; I'll keep it in my tailpipe for the next time you get to see my Arrangatang Titties."
3) Stool Pigeon Emily: Just hanging on.

Dumped: Jamie, the Embarrassed Nurse. The Bubble came too late, Get away while you can, girl!

Next week: The Courtney Show moves to Belize. See ya then.