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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

3/12: The Merciful End

The end at last. Thank god. I never thought it would get here. Those two speeding locomotives we all knew were coming finally crashed headlong last night, with predictable results. But I don't care. It just means I can limp into the off season and await Emily Maynard's turn as the Bachelorette premiering May 14th. That's not much of an off season to rest up after this marathon of disaster, but I'll take what I can get. I got the extreme pleasure of removing Ben from my masthead today, and that felt good--really good! Thanks again to DeeDreamer for supplying the artwork. Ok, we all know by now (or should) that nobody gives a rats ass about the first one hour and forty-five minutes of these finales--especially when disaster awaits instead of a love story. In keeping with pragmatic reason, the first part of this recap will be brief and in keeping with the seriousness of this seasons participants. Hang on, it's gonna' be quick.

Zermatt Switzerland

Both woman love Ben…blah, blah, blah. He loves both women…blah, blah, blah. Mom and sis are on hand to pass judgement on both girls and give Ben some much needed advice…blah, blah, blah. Lindzi goes first, and is nervous, but sis Julia, who has the biggest balls in the Flajnik household, likes her…blah, blah, blah. Magically, both mom and sis know what a colossal bitch Courtney is…blah, blah, blah. Courtney shows up and magically charms both Flajnik women and before she can get out the door sis is proclaiming Courtney "The One." Convenient. Ben, now fully licensed to pick the one he has wanted from the first night takes Lindzi skiing…blah, blah, blah. They ski, do a few commercials for Matterhorn Travel, inc. and make out. Last Chance: Lindzi finally succumbs to producer-pressure and strokes Ben's ego by telling him that she loves him. He deep tongues her. Courtney's date is next and they go for a helicopter ride to the Matterhorn. Last Chance: she busts his balls for not believeing her lies about how abysmally she treated the other women. He wanders off…blah, blah, blah. Goes ring shopping. Yes, it's time for Neil Lane and his Traveling Engagement Ring and Pizza Delivery Service to make a house call. Ben picks out the giant rock that Courtney ordered up in season previews and we're go.

Helicopters appear and both women dress like they're marrying into the House of Romanov, complete with gorgeous dresses and capes. Maybe Ben is from the House of Romanov. That would explain the Rasputin haircut. Anyway, they copter over to the Matterhorn where he awaits. Naturally, Lindzi emerges first and Ben performs one of his painfully awkward dumps. "I fell in love with you…I've fallen in love with someone else." Lindzi stares at him with a "You've got to be fucking kidding me," look on her face and doesn't speak until he parks her at the helopad for export. "If (when) it doesn't work out, call me."

Courtney arrives in all her Maleficient glory and Ben baits her by acting like he's gonna' dump her. No such luck, "You're my forever…providing forever means: until I take too much shit for picking such a bitch.'" Courtney sorta cries and he slips the ring she ordered onto her finger and they make out as paparazzi with telephoto lenses capture the entire thing and sell it to the tabloids before Christmas.

After the Final Rose (Thank God)

Harrison gleefully announces that Courtney is the "woman America loves to hate!" about five times and then appears mystified as to why people aren't rooting for the new couple. (Must be those nasty taboids?) Yawn. Harrison wastes little time and yanks Ben out onstage. The guy looks like he spent the last week sleeping under a bridge overpass and they found him 30 minutes before filming, put him in a nice suit and rushed him out on stage. Ben confirms that they have already broken up because of all the "negativity" but have some arrangement of some sort…at the moment. Harrison dispatches him back to his soundproof booth and brings Courtney out next. Her botox lip deflated since filming, Courtney comes out in a white dress I couldn't get around my leg and looks absolutely STUNNING! The crowd boos her and she gets to play the victim of abandonment because Ben cut her lose the second things got tough. I was left with a big question: Ben, is there anything else you'd like to try and do to make people think you're a bigger douchebag than they already do? Maybe release a few photos of yourself clubbing baby seals? How about goosestepping into a synagogue dressed in a Nazi uniform? You chose a woman who you KNEW was a bitch and then dumped her when people criticized you for picking a bitch? I think my title from week 2 stands: "Ben Loses His Balls!" and apparently still hasn't found them yet. Will you please ask your sister for a few pounds of hers. She can spare them, trust me.

Harrison now bids Courtney to rejoin them. They sit next to each other and Ben's body language looks like if he leans far enough away from her, he won't catch the Unpopularity Virus she is a carrier of. Fat chance, bud. Maybe she should lean away from you. Anyway, Harrison seeks clarity and under pressure, Ben insists they are still engaged. The Wingman produces the engagement ring and Ben slips is unenthusiastically back on Courtney's finger. The producers don't even bother giving them a trip anywhere--there's no point. These two are leaking oil worse than a '72 Ford Pinto. Step right up and place your bets, folks. What's the over/under on three months? 

Pirate conclusion: One ball-less wonder and one four-star bitch. Two douchetards who richly deserve one another. Season Over!

Oh yeah, J.P. and his skinhead and Ashley Sherbert Hebert were trundled out to show that not every season is an unmitigated disaster like this one has been. J.P. tries to start some Ashley pregnancy rumors and they insist they'll be married within a year. Them, I believe.

Word circles the net that Emily Maynard is mere days away from finding some temporary douchebag of her very own to keep for a few months before she dumps him and heads back to her Hendricks Sugar Palace.

Your Captain will be there. Argh!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

3/5--The Women Audition for Bachelor Pad 3


Why don't they just move to a Jello wrestling competition? It'd be a lot more entertaining. As this dud of a season comes to a close, it's a statement about how lousy its been when what the Bachelor faithful can most look forward to is a sense of vengeance being reaped on a bitch at the normally ignorable Women Tell All episode and the final, head-on meeting of those two speeding locomotives I described two weeks ago at next week's After the Final Rose. Last nights sleazy blood letting set a new low in sadistic pleasure as the producers of this mess brought one of the final two out for the first time in show history so she could be damned, shamed, and harangued like an adulteress in old Salem. The only thing missing was Emperor Harrison, riding heard over the proceedings and signaling thumbs up or down for her fate or pinning a giant scarlet "B" (for bitch!) to her dress. Nero, where are you when we need you?

The Gaggle of Mean Geese Gather

It's been a cruddy season. So much so that the faithful of Bachelor Nation gathered in big numbers to watch Queen Courtney get ripped to shreds by her nearly-as-mean former housemates. But before we get to those delicious bread and circuses, Harrison comes stumbling out on stage looking sick from both cold meds and the worst looking tie I've ever seen the guy wear. Some black and silver thing that looked like the peeled-off label from a bottle of Dos Equus. He hams his way around the crowd, gleefully letting them that know that Courtney's bloodied corpse will soon be on stage with him. Then he introduces the executioners. Chiefs among the gaggle of meanies were Stool Pigeon Emily, Sweetie Pie Kacie B, and Nicki the Narrator; with heavy facetime going to the houses other resident bitch, Boom-Boom Blakely. Emily led the group of formerly serious Ben-contenders and Blakely led the group of serious Bachelor Pad 3 contenders. While the serious ones catalogued their "journey" in and out of Ben's life, Boom-Boom and her also rans fought, bitched, carped, and provided the blood for the arena. Chief among the catty was Samantha the Pageant Queen (remember her?); she yapped and snarfed way more than her importance on the show dictated. She bitched so much than fellow also ran, Granny Panty Brittney, finally compared her to a chihuihua and told her to shut up. America applauded but when the Granny Pantied One added in that she left because she had "zero attraction" to Stormhorse Flajnik, the country stood as one and screamed like she had just won the Super Bowl.The rest of the also rans and dress fillers joined in and spoke more than we heard them all season. All were uniformly nasty; sans Jenna the Insane Blogger, who outside of offering up a hug to Courtney and tampon to Bi-Monica, sat twitching like she was about to fly apart at the seams. (Tick Tick) Well there's one Bachelor Pad 3 slot we can assume is filled.

While the Wingman sorta tried to keep order, he also hauled on stage Shawntel Munster Newton to receive a wave of apologies from the Meanies for the abominable treatment she receievd from the when she tried to crash the party and take up with Ben. Emily, clearly allowed to lead with her brains and manners, wished Shawntel well and hoped she sold a pile of books about dead people or something. The proprieties observed, it was time for Harrison to fill the lukewarm seat and get moving for real.

One by one the semi-serious were brought onstage to fill the coveted center-of-attention seat by Harrison and explain their stories to the country. The Stool Pigeon went first and got all educated-sounding and wise while still keeping me interested by wearing a dress that barely held her undersized juggs captive. She hit the major point about the season's most controversial moment: when Ben got naked and banged Courtney in the ocean. She made it clear that her anger wasn't about skinny dipping, but about the fact that Ben decided to do this when he still had ten women back at the house he was dating. She also corectly slammed him for his "Tread lightly" comment, which produced gasps of semi-disbelief from the well-trained audience. Her popularity riding high, Emily surrendered the seat to both Kacie and Nicki, the latter still looking slighlty Ben-besotted and the former looking friggin' hot as usual. But we can skip that, it's time for BLOOD!

Blood Sport

Harrison, smiling like a sadist about to shoot some tethered sheep, called Queen Courtney out onstage. Courtney ambles out while the audience responds to the "applause" sign and the other women hit her with about 15 pairs of iced daggers known as glares. She sits with Harrison and lets the world know she is there to apologize. He fires the starter pistol and the women jump her like rabid pitbulls. One after another fires away at her for the individual insults she lashed almost all of them with all season. Courtney just cringes as it goes on and on. What a shame this was. If Harrison had just handed her a giant glass of merlot, the fireworks would have gone nuclear.

(Blakely): "Why did you call me a stripper and the type of woman who cheats with your boyfriend for?"
Because you look like a pole-dancing skank!
(Emily): "Why wouldn't you accept my apology?"
Because you're a double-barreled bitch and I hate your guts!
(Elyse): "Why would say that after spending all day with me that Ben's eyes probably hurt?"
Have you looked in a mirror recently?
(Nicki)" "Why do the tabloids say you nicknamed me 'fatty'?"
Because your thighs are so pudgy only Colonel Sanders could love you!

But alas, he doesn't. Courtney is sober and in full-contrition mode. Did she mean it? That's an eye-of-the-beholder question. I think it's a laughable one, but others will feel different. Courtney was upset she's caught so much hell for her behavior, but sincere? Ha. Ha. Uh no. Harrison feeling the audiences blood lust somewhat sated, calls a halt to the massacre. Courtney walks out and into a waiting limo.

Our Hero

With his fiance dispatched, Harrison brings Ben out onstage. Man this guy looked as comfortable as a bastard at a Father's Day cookout. He barely glanced over his shoulder at all the women he dumped and disrespected and they scarcely clapped for him at all. The questions start and he provides canned answers. The women, led by the three contenders, look sadly at him. All except the former mute Nurse Jamie, who tells him when he and Courtney break up, that she doesn't mind a boyfriend who bangs other women on national TV, so go on and give her a call. Ben smirks cockily and basically says, "Yeah, we'll do lunch." Nice try, Jamie. Nicki gets her last chance to show how deep in the Ben-Bubble she still is by telling him what a great man he is. Then she spends the balance of the evening holding hands with Kacie and as they watch video of all his antics with the air of two women watching a funeral procession.

Bloopers:

In a sad and telling indictment to the suckatude of this season, even the bloopers sucked. Mostly just Ben hamming it up and acting like a teenager. Yawn.

Folks, it's been that kind of season. Now I find Emily Maynard about as interesting as the stapler on my desk, but I'm ready for it anyway. How many more of these do we have?

Next week: Ben Finishes What he Started Night 1.

See ya.