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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

3/5--The Women Audition for Bachelor Pad 3


Why don't they just move to a Jello wrestling competition? It'd be a lot more entertaining. As this dud of a season comes to a close, it's a statement about how lousy its been when what the Bachelor faithful can most look forward to is a sense of vengeance being reaped on a bitch at the normally ignorable Women Tell All episode and the final, head-on meeting of those two speeding locomotives I described two weeks ago at next week's After the Final Rose. Last nights sleazy blood letting set a new low in sadistic pleasure as the producers of this mess brought one of the final two out for the first time in show history so she could be damned, shamed, and harangued like an adulteress in old Salem. The only thing missing was Emperor Harrison, riding heard over the proceedings and signaling thumbs up or down for her fate or pinning a giant scarlet "B" (for bitch!) to her dress. Nero, where are you when we need you?

The Gaggle of Mean Geese Gather

It's been a cruddy season. So much so that the faithful of Bachelor Nation gathered in big numbers to watch Queen Courtney get ripped to shreds by her nearly-as-mean former housemates. But before we get to those delicious bread and circuses, Harrison comes stumbling out on stage looking sick from both cold meds and the worst looking tie I've ever seen the guy wear. Some black and silver thing that looked like the peeled-off label from a bottle of Dos Equus. He hams his way around the crowd, gleefully letting them that know that Courtney's bloodied corpse will soon be on stage with him. Then he introduces the executioners. Chiefs among the gaggle of meanies were Stool Pigeon Emily, Sweetie Pie Kacie B, and Nicki the Narrator; with heavy facetime going to the houses other resident bitch, Boom-Boom Blakely. Emily led the group of formerly serious Ben-contenders and Blakely led the group of serious Bachelor Pad 3 contenders. While the serious ones catalogued their "journey" in and out of Ben's life, Boom-Boom and her also rans fought, bitched, carped, and provided the blood for the arena. Chief among the catty was Samantha the Pageant Queen (remember her?); she yapped and snarfed way more than her importance on the show dictated. She bitched so much than fellow also ran, Granny Panty Brittney, finally compared her to a chihuihua and told her to shut up. America applauded but when the Granny Pantied One added in that she left because she had "zero attraction" to Stormhorse Flajnik, the country stood as one and screamed like she had just won the Super Bowl.The rest of the also rans and dress fillers joined in and spoke more than we heard them all season. All were uniformly nasty; sans Jenna the Insane Blogger, who outside of offering up a hug to Courtney and tampon to Bi-Monica, sat twitching like she was about to fly apart at the seams. (Tick Tick) Well there's one Bachelor Pad 3 slot we can assume is filled.

While the Wingman sorta tried to keep order, he also hauled on stage Shawntel Munster Newton to receive a wave of apologies from the Meanies for the abominable treatment she receievd from the when she tried to crash the party and take up with Ben. Emily, clearly allowed to lead with her brains and manners, wished Shawntel well and hoped she sold a pile of books about dead people or something. The proprieties observed, it was time for Harrison to fill the lukewarm seat and get moving for real.

One by one the semi-serious were brought onstage to fill the coveted center-of-attention seat by Harrison and explain their stories to the country. The Stool Pigeon went first and got all educated-sounding and wise while still keeping me interested by wearing a dress that barely held her undersized juggs captive. She hit the major point about the season's most controversial moment: when Ben got naked and banged Courtney in the ocean. She made it clear that her anger wasn't about skinny dipping, but about the fact that Ben decided to do this when he still had ten women back at the house he was dating. She also corectly slammed him for his "Tread lightly" comment, which produced gasps of semi-disbelief from the well-trained audience. Her popularity riding high, Emily surrendered the seat to both Kacie and Nicki, the latter still looking slighlty Ben-besotted and the former looking friggin' hot as usual. But we can skip that, it's time for BLOOD!

Blood Sport

Harrison, smiling like a sadist about to shoot some tethered sheep, called Queen Courtney out onstage. Courtney ambles out while the audience responds to the "applause" sign and the other women hit her with about 15 pairs of iced daggers known as glares. She sits with Harrison and lets the world know she is there to apologize. He fires the starter pistol and the women jump her like rabid pitbulls. One after another fires away at her for the individual insults she lashed almost all of them with all season. Courtney just cringes as it goes on and on. What a shame this was. If Harrison had just handed her a giant glass of merlot, the fireworks would have gone nuclear.

(Blakely): "Why did you call me a stripper and the type of woman who cheats with your boyfriend for?"
Because you look like a pole-dancing skank!
(Emily): "Why wouldn't you accept my apology?"
Because you're a double-barreled bitch and I hate your guts!
(Elyse): "Why would say that after spending all day with me that Ben's eyes probably hurt?"
Have you looked in a mirror recently?
(Nicki)" "Why do the tabloids say you nicknamed me 'fatty'?"
Because your thighs are so pudgy only Colonel Sanders could love you!

But alas, he doesn't. Courtney is sober and in full-contrition mode. Did she mean it? That's an eye-of-the-beholder question. I think it's a laughable one, but others will feel different. Courtney was upset she's caught so much hell for her behavior, but sincere? Ha. Ha. Uh no. Harrison feeling the audiences blood lust somewhat sated, calls a halt to the massacre. Courtney walks out and into a waiting limo.

Our Hero

With his fiance dispatched, Harrison brings Ben out onstage. Man this guy looked as comfortable as a bastard at a Father's Day cookout. He barely glanced over his shoulder at all the women he dumped and disrespected and they scarcely clapped for him at all. The questions start and he provides canned answers. The women, led by the three contenders, look sadly at him. All except the former mute Nurse Jamie, who tells him when he and Courtney break up, that she doesn't mind a boyfriend who bangs other women on national TV, so go on and give her a call. Ben smirks cockily and basically says, "Yeah, we'll do lunch." Nice try, Jamie. Nicki gets her last chance to show how deep in the Ben-Bubble she still is by telling him what a great man he is. Then she spends the balance of the evening holding hands with Kacie and as they watch video of all his antics with the air of two women watching a funeral procession.

Bloopers:

In a sad and telling indictment to the suckatude of this season, even the bloopers sucked. Mostly just Ben hamming it up and acting like a teenager. Yawn.

Folks, it's been that kind of season. Now I find Emily Maynard about as interesting as the stapler on my desk, but I'm ready for it anyway. How many more of these do we have?

Next week: Ben Finishes What he Started Night 1.

See ya.

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How pathetic is this season? Yet you've managed to help me laugh through it. I agree with your opinion on Emily. The lint in my dryer has more personality. Love Emily from this season, though. She has some interesting things to say on YouTube. It's under Emily O'Brien from the Bachelor at the women tell all. One more week of the Dullard.

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