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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

3/12: The Merciful End

The end at last. Thank god. I never thought it would get here. Those two speeding locomotives we all knew were coming finally crashed headlong last night, with predictable results. But I don't care. It just means I can limp into the off season and await Emily Maynard's turn as the Bachelorette premiering May 14th. That's not much of an off season to rest up after this marathon of disaster, but I'll take what I can get. I got the extreme pleasure of removing Ben from my masthead today, and that felt good--really good! Thanks again to DeeDreamer for supplying the artwork. Ok, we all know by now (or should) that nobody gives a rats ass about the first one hour and forty-five minutes of these finales--especially when disaster awaits instead of a love story. In keeping with pragmatic reason, the first part of this recap will be brief and in keeping with the seriousness of this seasons participants. Hang on, it's gonna' be quick.

Zermatt Switzerland

Both woman love Ben…blah, blah, blah. He loves both women…blah, blah, blah. Mom and sis are on hand to pass judgement on both girls and give Ben some much needed advice…blah, blah, blah. Lindzi goes first, and is nervous, but sis Julia, who has the biggest balls in the Flajnik household, likes her…blah, blah, blah. Magically, both mom and sis know what a colossal bitch Courtney is…blah, blah, blah. Courtney shows up and magically charms both Flajnik women and before she can get out the door sis is proclaiming Courtney "The One." Convenient. Ben, now fully licensed to pick the one he has wanted from the first night takes Lindzi skiing…blah, blah, blah. They ski, do a few commercials for Matterhorn Travel, inc. and make out. Last Chance: Lindzi finally succumbs to producer-pressure and strokes Ben's ego by telling him that she loves him. He deep tongues her. Courtney's date is next and they go for a helicopter ride to the Matterhorn. Last Chance: she busts his balls for not believeing her lies about how abysmally she treated the other women. He wanders off…blah, blah, blah. Goes ring shopping. Yes, it's time for Neil Lane and his Traveling Engagement Ring and Pizza Delivery Service to make a house call. Ben picks out the giant rock that Courtney ordered up in season previews and we're go.

Helicopters appear and both women dress like they're marrying into the House of Romanov, complete with gorgeous dresses and capes. Maybe Ben is from the House of Romanov. That would explain the Rasputin haircut. Anyway, they copter over to the Matterhorn where he awaits. Naturally, Lindzi emerges first and Ben performs one of his painfully awkward dumps. "I fell in love with you…I've fallen in love with someone else." Lindzi stares at him with a "You've got to be fucking kidding me," look on her face and doesn't speak until he parks her at the helopad for export. "If (when) it doesn't work out, call me."

Courtney arrives in all her Maleficient glory and Ben baits her by acting like he's gonna' dump her. No such luck, "You're my forever…providing forever means: until I take too much shit for picking such a bitch.'" Courtney sorta cries and he slips the ring she ordered onto her finger and they make out as paparazzi with telephoto lenses capture the entire thing and sell it to the tabloids before Christmas.

After the Final Rose (Thank God)

Harrison gleefully announces that Courtney is the "woman America loves to hate!" about five times and then appears mystified as to why people aren't rooting for the new couple. (Must be those nasty taboids?) Yawn. Harrison wastes little time and yanks Ben out onstage. The guy looks like he spent the last week sleeping under a bridge overpass and they found him 30 minutes before filming, put him in a nice suit and rushed him out on stage. Ben confirms that they have already broken up because of all the "negativity" but have some arrangement of some sort…at the moment. Harrison dispatches him back to his soundproof booth and brings Courtney out next. Her botox lip deflated since filming, Courtney comes out in a white dress I couldn't get around my leg and looks absolutely STUNNING! The crowd boos her and she gets to play the victim of abandonment because Ben cut her lose the second things got tough. I was left with a big question: Ben, is there anything else you'd like to try and do to make people think you're a bigger douchebag than they already do? Maybe release a few photos of yourself clubbing baby seals? How about goosestepping into a synagogue dressed in a Nazi uniform? You chose a woman who you KNEW was a bitch and then dumped her when people criticized you for picking a bitch? I think my title from week 2 stands: "Ben Loses His Balls!" and apparently still hasn't found them yet. Will you please ask your sister for a few pounds of hers. She can spare them, trust me.

Harrison now bids Courtney to rejoin them. They sit next to each other and Ben's body language looks like if he leans far enough away from her, he won't catch the Unpopularity Virus she is a carrier of. Fat chance, bud. Maybe she should lean away from you. Anyway, Harrison seeks clarity and under pressure, Ben insists they are still engaged. The Wingman produces the engagement ring and Ben slips is unenthusiastically back on Courtney's finger. The producers don't even bother giving them a trip anywhere--there's no point. These two are leaking oil worse than a '72 Ford Pinto. Step right up and place your bets, folks. What's the over/under on three months? 

Pirate conclusion: One ball-less wonder and one four-star bitch. Two douchetards who richly deserve one another. Season Over!

Oh yeah, J.P. and his skinhead and Ashley Sherbert Hebert were trundled out to show that not every season is an unmitigated disaster like this one has been. J.P. tries to start some Ashley pregnancy rumors and they insist they'll be married within a year. Them, I believe.

Word circles the net that Emily Maynard is mere days away from finding some temporary douchebag of her very own to keep for a few months before she dumps him and heads back to her Hendricks Sugar Palace.

Your Captain will be there. Argh!

6 comments:

AbbyRose said...

THANK YOU for watching this horrible season for me! Loved your writing all of the seasons, and you made this one humorous which is a feat in itself.

Yes, bring on Em's season. Something tells me that the producers know they screwed up BIG TIME this season and plan to rectify it.

Thanks for all your blogs, Captain!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for watching the show and sharing your wonderful recaps. I stopped watching about three shows into the season but continued reading your recaps because they always bring a giggle or a guffaw. Thanks much!

Anonymous said...

Poor Ben ... really. He should have said no right from the beginning. Ben-ochio didnt stand a chance against the puppetmaster and his own naivete'. Toast to his excellent wines!

I am hoping that you put Emily walking the plank on your masthead. Perhaps she can swim well enough to survive. Everyone gets thrown overboard and the sharks are waiting.

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