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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Sean, Week 3--Is Stair Diving a Sport Now?

Greetings gang, and welcome to another week of Sean Lowe love on the Bachelor. This week, Sean and the girls remain stuck in LA. Thanks Fleiss. Nice budget you got going on there this season. Dates on Hollywood Boulevard; dates at the local beach; and one crummy date at Six Flags Over Shirtless; bargain basement Bachelor has returned. Despite the fact that the cretin who produces this pap is so tight he squeaks when he walks, good man Sean continues to impress with his cool aplomb, finely honed listening skills, and classy demeanor. I'm certain he is also impressing the female and gay male audience with his serial nudity. For a guy who is as Christian as St. Thomas Aquinas, he's naked more than a porn star. Just another case of the schizo nature of the this show I guess. Well, this week the proceedings begin with Sean jogging naked on a treadmill telling us that he already has feelings for a pile of women. Meanwhile the Wingman has crashed the mansion in his seasons uniform of a blue Oxford and quickly rounded the women up for one of his motivational pow wows: "Not everyone will get a date this week; my advice to you is whenever you get one spare second with Sean, tear any remaining clothing he has on off. If that doesn't work, try hurling yourself down the staircase for additional sympathy. What's a broken neck when compared to not getting a rose?" Harrison then smirks, drops the date card and departs. Selma Vavoom saunters over and reads the date card while Robin Condoleezza Rice decides it time to talk like a black stereotype: "I hope that card says, Robin, let's ditch these bitches and fall in love fo' real, Sean." I hate to say this but....(spoiler) it doesn't. The Vavoomer reads, "Lesley", and drags out the last initial long enough for the other remaining black girl to eat some crow, "M! How long will this love last? Sean." My guess would be until he finds out you're a godless Democratic political operative who wants to take away his guns and make him eat high-carb quiche, but that's just a guess on my part.

Worlds Longest, Forced, Embarrassing Kiss

Before Sean can check her political affiliation, Lesley the Political Operator vamps it up, packs her shit in case the rose is not forthcoming, and acts happier than James Carville at a George W. Bush roast. A quick cutaway and we see they're already in the limo and Sean is dressed down while poor Lesley is way overdressed. Sean makes her play guessing games and it's pretty clear that Lesley is hoping for a plane ride somewhere. No dice. Sean hauls her to the Guinness World Record Museum where Lesley demonstrates that she understands her profession by waxing politic about being hauled to a crappy museum in a rundown section of LA. Despite the crushing disappointment, she smiles through the pain and allows Sean to walk her around the museum and manages not to look on the verge of death with boredom. She goes on about how "normal, natural" it all feels. Translation: This date sucks! But I guess it's better than being stuck in the mansion with a horde of catty, drunk bitches! Finally we see why Sean is happy to be there--his daddy set a world record for the shortest amount of time to travel the contiguous 48 states by car. Well, excuse me. I didn't know Sean was from such a high falutin, overachieving bunch.  Frankly, I would rather have admitted my old man held the world record for World's Longest Continuos Beer Fart. If Sean ever needs his nerd credentials, he can skip the Star Trek convention; this should do it. Amped up at getting himself (and Lesley) into the record books, Sean tells her to follow him outside where a crowd--and the Wingman--await. Turns out Lesley should have asked to borrow Sean's rape whistle he threatened to use two weeks ago on the 50 Shades skank. Seems Harrison and his greasy producer-buddies have decided to put on a public smooching display that the Ancient Romans would have found lacking modesty. Sean and Lesley are supposed to break the record for longest on-screen kiss. Lesley blushes like a strawberry, but it seems that the producers have checked: contractual rape is still legal in the old US of A, so put down that rape whistle, Lesley, it's time to get smacking. With both Sean and Lesley ready to die with embarrassment, the Wingman and the crowd count them down to 3:15 like the ball is about to drop on New Year's Eve. They picked now for everyone to be sober? Whatever. They break the record and Sean joins his dad in the Guinness World Records book. He shouldn't have bothered; he's already there. He's already topped David Hasselhoff for most shirtless scenes on a stupid TV show.
Regardless, now with the stupid crap over with, Sean takes her to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel for a drink. They compare notes and things go very well...again. Lesley gets to extoll the virtues of her family and she, like Desiree the Derriere, has parents that are still married and madly in love. Sean once again looks besotted. Rose? Another formality. Date over.

The Olympics it Wasn't

How bad was the volleyball match? Let me put it this way, they should have included Circle-Swimmer Sarah; she would have been the star of the match. Sean now takes 12 girls all of five miles from the mansion for a beach date at Zuma. Several highly aggressive bimbos--namely Amanda the Odd and Kristy the Dude--predict they will all but kill anyone in a competitive contest. But before they can trample anyone, Sean tries to soft sell the whole thing: "We'll just have the day to do what we want--play frisbee, whatever." Who else is not buying this? Camouflage Catherine, for one: "We know somethings going on." Well at least we have one contestant who has watched this show before. Despite stripping down to bikinis and baggies, the relaxation is short lived. Popping up from out of the sand, the Wingman suddenly appears like a pervert genie with a pink shirt and announces there will be a spastic volleyball game between two teams of six--winners get "special quality time" with Sean; losers get "special quality time" back at the mansion with mimosas and hang out around the pool like they are on an expensive vacation. I love it when there are no losers. But you'd never tell from the quality of athleticism on display. I know, I know; most of these girls are models or wanna be's. I wasn't expecting olympic quality athleticism, but this was pathetic. It was so universally bad it's simply impossible to pick a least valuable player. Desiree the Derrière probably looked the best; all the others looked the worst. The two teams were Red: Taryn the Dress Filler, Kristy the Dude, Daniella the Drunk, Lesley the Poker Dealer,  Camouflage Catherine, and Tierra Dramatica; and Blue: Cousin Kacie, Lindsay the Bridal Drunk, Jackie the Invisible, Robin Condoleezza Rice, Desiree, and Amanda. Anyway, the game goes on and they flail, miss, hit under the net, and just look completely spastic in general. Somehow all these flailing whiffers manage to play to a bunch of tie scores and I guess Sean was supposed to help...somehow. Harrison meanwhile spent his time ogling the women while they dove and missed one after another. Finally Desiree gets one over the net and Tierra--who will look more athletic later when falling down the stairs-- proceeds to hit it backwards. Nice shot, DramaLand. Anyway, Blue wins so Kristy the Dude starts crying to hide her huge adams apple and prominent bikini bottom bulge. Seeing no point in not helping out, Lesley the Poker Dealer sheds some empathy tears just for kicks. I would comment on the reactions of Camouflage Catherine and Invisible Jackie, but as usual, they had vanished from camera view.

Cousin Kacie Has a Cunning Plan

I just have no idea what it was. I actually went back and watched this over again and I still don't know what she was trying to do. I think the bottom line was: Desiree and Amanda exchanged two mildly unfriendly words with each other so Kacie decides to take action. More on that in a minute. First though, Sean takes the ladies back to "his" place. Hey, no sense in spending any money by renting a restaurant or booking a hotel roof--just pack them off to the rental. Fleiss, your miserliness is becoming legendary. Once Sean gets them home, Lindsay the Bridal Drunk gets a moment alone with him and puts on the hard sell. "Sean, you are wonderful; you are exactly what I've always dreamed of. You, sir, are a fucking god!" or something equally desperate-sounding. Once he sucks her face off, he hauls Desiree and her lovely derrière aside so she can keep on looking like a mix between Katie Holmes and Phoebe Cates. She insists she is "spiritual, emotional, etc," and tries to sell herself as a super optimist...with a great derriere. Sean appears to notice. We get a quick segue back to the mansion where Tierra Dramatica gets to add 'comedian' to her bitch resume by trying to bait Selma and AshLee into thinking that the date card she is reading is for a dreaded 2-on-1. Har had. Anyway AshLee hears "AshLee, did your adoptive daddy really spell your name this stupidly?" or something like that. Anyway, AshLee gets the one-on-one and Tierra keeps on arranging for her crucifixion on the Women Tell All.
Meanwhile, back at Sean's rental digs, various women predict it's rose time. Amanda gets a few moments of Sean's time and she tries to brag and starts out by saying, "If we get married..." whoa there, little lady. Getting a little forward, aren't we? Amanda, who has been edited to look like a kook, seems intent on bringing the edit to life. Once Sean manages to get rid of her, she runs back and brags in front of the jealous Desiree, so Cousin Kacie unleashes her fiendish plan. But first, she gets hammered. And I do mean DRUNK! Her face swollen like she got five bee stings at the beach, Kacie starts to take on the countenance and mental acuity of a 35 year-old barfly. She hauls Sean aside and...I still don't know. All I'm sure of is she tries to stir some shit over the non-existent fight between Amanda and Desiree, and Sean looks at her like she is a drunken loon. ""Why are you getting involved in this?" and "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person." Ah, the old boomerang plan--throw it and then stand there wobbling drunkenly while it comes back and takes your head off. She's a show veteran? Terrible. The tattletale always dies a horrible death. And just to grind some salt into her wound (as well as Desiree's and Amanda's) Sean gives the rose, and a desperation gold medal, to Lindsay for kissing his ass the most thoroughly. Date over.

Six Flags Over 4's a Crowd

Man did AshLee the Misspelled love this. That poor woman just got the most gypped 1-on-1 date I may have ever seen. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing the little gals get their "date". AshLee though? Uh, not so much. First she gets rooked when Tierra Dramatica hears the producers announce that Sean is coming up the walkway and launches herself "falls" down the stairs. Right. She tumbled down a marble staircase and got zero injuries. Uh-huh. Just a little headache that is instantly cured by Sean paying attention to her. Dude, you may be the Magic Christian, but you are sooooo thinking with your dick. This gal is what we used to call "third date crazy." It takes until the third date until you realize she's a psycho. Anyway, Fleiss calls in paramedics to try and strap the "injured' Tierra to a stretcher and after acting all concussed for who knows how long, she refuses all medical care and pops up like the faker she is. Sean takes her out back and they coo and cuddle while the completely overdressed AshLee starts to fume. Finally Sean leaves Tierra's side and takes AshLee for a ride in an open-topped Jeep. Ah, the fun begins. Not even the four pounds of hairspray she has on can save AshLee's hair and it blows all over hell. Sean, dressed like a beach bum, and AshLee, dressed like she's expecting a trip to a cotillion, end up at Six Flags Magic Mountain. AshLee then gets another lovely surprise to find out that two young gals who suffer from a mitochondrial disease will get to meet each other for the first time care of the Starlight foundation and Mike Fleiss. AshLee tries to smile through her grimace. Sean grins happily and the two little gals show up and crash their date. AshLee plays good sport but this had to suck! I know, I know; it was cool. But as a date? I don't blame AshLee for looking a little grim. Regardless, the two girls who have a congenital disease don't mope, they don't bitch, they don't cry and fake toss themselves down the stairs--they just go and have a damn good time. Sean and AshLee are mere afterthoughts, and good for the little girls. Considering what a shit sandwich life has served both of them, the contrast to how women usually act on this show was illuminating. I was hoping Sean would give them the rose. Anyway, once the girls make scarce, Sean and AshLee get a few moments alone and she has a major hardship story of her own to sell. Turns out she spent her youth in foster homes and was adopted at six. Her tale is sincere and tough and Sean is clearly affected. He bawls when hearing how her dad charmed her when they met and is spared the pussy buzzer because it was a real moment. Then the Eli Young band comes out and moans and groans some country music, and they dance. She has a great story, but are these two a big thing? I didn't see it, but the rose is a guarantee. Date over.

Cocktail Time

Sean comes into the party and promptly snatches the dateless Circle-Swimmer Sarah outside to meet her dog, which arrives in a limo. Well that explains the non-existent budget. Fleiss spent all of the money flying a dog around the country and renting it limos. How funny is this? In a mere few moments, Sean will dump Cousin Kacie and she gets hauled away in a cargo van. Sorry Kacie; Leo the dog has the limo. After that? Not much. The women go crazy stealing Sean away from one another, but unfortunately, Circle Swimmer Sarah doesn't take part and robs me of the chance to call her a "one-armed bandit!" Damn you, Sarah. Anyway, nothing happens. The invisible girls remain invisible and the visible ones hog the air time and commit Sean theft. Sparing a few moments from curating his pic collection from the beach, Harrison enters tinging cheese knife and wine glass.

Safe: AshLee the Misspelled; Lindsay the Bridal Drunk; Lesley the Political Operator.

Harrison lines them up and Sean comes in only to stall. He hauls Cousin Kacie, who has chosen to appear at the party dressed in a Day-Glo wetsuit cut like a miniskirt (WTF?) to dump her privately. Sean keeps it short and basically tells her to get lost. Kacie is out loaded into a cargo van and is driven away, her boomerang strategy performed to perfection. On the highway, Leo the dog, his limo loaded with bitches in heat, stops lapping at his bowl of champagne and shoots her a bird with his middle paw.

Sean returns and gets down to it.

1) Tierra Dramatica--hahahahaha.

2) Lesley the Poker Dealer--For the first time, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a black dress filler.

3) Camouflage Catherine--becomes visible long enough to collect the flower then fades back into obscurity.

4) Daniella the Drunk--Stagger on up there and get your flower, killer.

5) Robin Condi Rice--didn't bother with any street sister shit talk; we still remember you're black. You can relax.

6) Selma Vavoom--previews hint at additional national television exposure next week.

7) Circle-Swimmer Sarah--Her dog is living the high life.

8) Invisible Jackie--Ditto Catherine

9) Amanda the Odd--Ok.

10) Desiree the Derriere--considering she was shown clearly holding a rose when Selma returned with hers, I think we can conclude that she wasn't last.

Dumped: Taryn the Dress Filer--bawls.
and
Kristy the Dude--whips it out and takes a leak in the rose bushes before bawling about what a trainwreck her life is.

Next week: LA, on the cheap; what else? See ya then!


62 comments:

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"Leo the dog, his limo loaded with bitches in heat, stops lapping at his bowl of champagne and shoots her a bird with his middle paw" Damn...i cant stop laughing at this! Nicely done.

Anonymous said...

A great recap as always thank you. Some of my favorites: Kacie vs Leo's mode of transportation and your new nicknames for some of the ladies.

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CAPTAIN...
Where the heck are you!!??

I cant wait to see what you have to say about Tierra "controlling her face" and "eybrow function"

I hope you havent lost your sparkle!

Waiting for your recap.

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