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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, June 16, 2008

Bachelorette June 16--ZZZZZZZZZ...oh dates.

Good Lord that was boring! Man, come on, ABC don't you have an old copy of Beastmaster or some other crappy movie to show? Where's Valerie Bertinelli when we need her? She's overdue for a crappy TV movie, isn't she? Anyway DeAnna's tell-all hour was a complete snoozefest. She gave the exact same rationale for dumping the guys she dumped when she dumped then--big deal. The only spark of illumination (other than the already-proven fact that Chris Harrison is the Lord of Schmaltz) was the profiles that were done on a couple of the guys.

A brief effort to make Twilley look a little less weird was a bust. He still looked weird. We find out he likes to draw...badly! But other than that he's still a weirdo with zero chance of escaping elimination. We do get inarguable proof that Jeremy, the candy-assed orphan isn't just a whiner, but a complete liar to boot. Jeremy tell us he's a real estate attorney and the reason he has no one in his his life is because he gets home at, "9:30-10:00 at night and there's no time to socialize." Right. Check. Gotcha. But then in the next breath he tells us how much he likes "Bungee jumping, motorcycle racing," and basically has plenty of time to be the next Evel Knievel. He also, from the look of his 1/2 of 1% body-fat abs, has at least four spare hours a day to hang around the gym. LIAR. Oh, and his dog is his best friend. Jesus Christ! Can't this show get better writers?

But the biggest chunk of illumination was the fact that Sean, the karate boy, is not only just as bad as I feared but that he is the living embodiment of the word, "Nancy Boy!" He's also ass-deep in debt unless his Hummer, house, and clothes were all bought for him by his doting mama or being a karate teacher pays a hell of a lot better than I've ever heard. He has a closet full of designer-only "name brands." He tans in his own booth because a tan makes you "look thinner." He also talks with his mom "at least three times a day," and mom lives one street over from him. Was this a pilot episode for Everybody Loves Sean or just an effort to locate America's Next Male Bimbo? Was anyone else strongly reminded of Norman Bates here? Sean, please gel your hair and never say another word again, thank you.

Well there was an hour of my life I'll never get back. and here comes another hour I'll never get back either. The wingman plants his leprechaun-ass in front of the boys and tells them all dates this week will be sans roses, and reminds them all that the final four will be taking DeAnna home with them...and DeAnna is taking them all to Palm Springs. The first date is...AAAUGHHHHH.. the male bimbo. Yuck! Anyway I can only watch through one eye as Dee and Nancy have a date. They ate food and he talked about guns or something. I do remember Dee saying that if she'd had a rose to give , Sean would definitely get one. (As it turns out, HA!) he lip-locks her in a hammock. Damn, do the producers of this crap love hammocks or what?

The date box arrives at the Palm Springs pad and it turns out all the boys hear their name called for the group date except Jeremy. Twilley looks pissed off--still no one-on-one for him--and I'm waiting for him to go postal. The producers seem to be worried about this as well because when Dee arrives to pick up all the boys, they sport for an extra helicopter so Dee can have five minutes alone with Twilley. Graham, in a inserted interview, says Twilley gets motion sick real bad. Har,Har. Twilley spends the entire five minute flight turning green and threatening to puke on Dee. The producers also make certain to play circus music every time Twilley is shown. My keen powers of deduction aren't needed to figure out that Twilley is toast.

Dee is taking the boys 4-wheeling in the desert where she goes at it in the exact same way we've seen her go at any gas piston engine since Brad's season--like a sixteen year-old with competitiveness issues. She is most impressed with the performance of Jesse, the pint-sized, fried snowboarder, who recklessly flies around on his 4-wheeler, crashing and popping wheelies and raising hell. I would expect this to impress a 17 year-old girl not a 26 year-old woman in the husband market. Nothing says "immature boy" more loudly than a wound-out 4-wheeler careening wildly down a sand dune. You also get the feeling this was an average weekend for Jesse, all except the missing case of warm Budweiser he normally funnels before going for a drive. This is the man you want to father your children? But apparently this turns DeAnna on. (I think she normally dates high schoolers.) Dee corners him back at the Palm Springs pad and basically drools all over him but he doesn't kiss her. He was probably too baked to notice how horny she was.

The other one-on-one date this week is with Jeremy because she hasn't seen enough of this guy. I can't tell you much about the date because they start singing some Sinatra tunes karaoke and I had to mute the TV. If 'Ol Blue Eyes was still alive, he'd have shot them both. They make out some and thats about all I remember.

The Rose Ceremony this week features no cocktail party because Dee says she doesn't need it. (Goodbye, Twilley.) Harrison wanders out and tells the boys they won't have the opportunity to get liquored up because Dee has already made her mind up. Twilley asks for a cigarette and blindfold and Harrison lines them up. Dee gives them some weak crap and then cuts Twilley (surprise) and Sean (Psyche!) . Both guys act like they were tipped of in advance or neither gave one single shit about DeAnna. I'm betting the latter.

Next week: Hometown dates. The previews show Graham's mom tossing him gently under a passing Greyhound and we are reminded, for the one billionth time, that Jason has a son. We do get to see a bawling Dee say she now "Questions her decision." Rumors are flying that Graham, for some reason yet as unexplained, left by his own volition but it will be presented as a normal kiss-off. We'll see but I will say this; after watching this show I see one, and only one, deep connection between Dee and one of these men...and that man is Graham. If he leaves or she boots him, well, Jason or Jeremy are fall back targets. If she picks one of them there will be no lovematch this season. As usual.

Dee is crazy for Graham and its easy to see why. Graham is: a southern folksy guy, tall, lanky, with washboard abs, and a permanent five o'clock shadow, who apparently wants nothing to do with Dee. Does this sound familiar? It should. It's an verbatim description of Brad Womack. I think Dee has some leftover Brad issues. Dee, take the Brad Womack posters down from your bedroom wall before you sign up for anymore reality shows.

Until Graham gets hit by a bus, Argh!

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