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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, June 9, 2008

Bachelorette Recap June 9th

Well, dear friends, tonight we continue on DeAnna Pappas's quest to get rid of every guy who really likes her. Last week, Richard--Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Paul, the Lilliputian Midget both got their walking papers. Dee covered this act under the guise of a mercy killing--although in the case of Bill Nye it was done with all the compassion of a gut shot, and finally Dee dismissed the resident alpha male, Ron, the pissed off divorced guy. Or more accurately, Ron refused to be a suck ass and dismissed himself. Regardless, after eliminating what was arguably the two nicest guys in the house, Dee is left with:
1) Fred, Da Bears!
2) Robert, the Chef
3) Twilley, the weirdo
4) Sean, the karate boy
5) Jason, the babydady
6) Jeremy, the orphan
7) Brian, the football coach
8) Jesse, the stoned snowboarder
9) Graham, the Confused

The wingman leads off the show by telling the boys about the dates for this week. A one-on-one date, a two person date where someone gets dumped, and a group date at a racetrack. But before the dates, the wingman tells the boys that they will have to earn the one-on-date with Dee by competing in a songwriting contest. Huh? What the hell is this supposed to prove? The same thing as when the women on the Bachelor are expected to sing, twirl batons, and eat aluminum cans I suppose. Anyway the boys all spread out and try to write down their thoughts and compose their feelings. Jesse, the baked snowboarder, says he hates to write and hates to sing. This should be wondrous.

Several of the boys actually seem excited and decide to try their best. Robert, the chef and Brian, the football coach both actually work on their music and try to perform--Robert's actually pretty good. In all fairness, most of them did at least respectable. Performing can be hard and they all seemed to come off as decent...at least all of them but the baked snowboarder who busted out a rhyme that could have been written by a five year-old. But, he did it on his knees. I guess thats important...somehow...I think. What? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Nevermind. She picked the bakehead. Maybe she didn't understand the wingman's directions. Who cares.

DeAnna then takes 'ol bonghit to a theater where they smoke a bowl. No, I'm kidding...I think. She does take him to a theater and then tells him to perform his godawful warbling again like he's a trained seal. When he's done singing I'm the one who needs the bonghit. Auuugggh, my ears! Anyway, he performs like a toadie and covers her shapely ass in kisses so the rose is secured.

Next Dee takes her remaining boys stockcar racing at a track and has them race to determine who gets private time with her. Despite the fact he didn't win, she hauls Graham away for some quiet time and basically orders him to kiss her. Graham demurs, uncomfortable with having to share her with other guys. This is normal. There is a suitor in every one of these shows who's having trouble with "process" of dating one person while they date about thirty others. You know the process I'm talking about--the premise of the freaking show they signed up for! It's always hard to sympathize with this person but not impossible to empathize a little. What's not normal is how Dee reacts to his hesitancy. All previous Bachelor's I've ever seen turn the charm on for their reluctant suitor and assure them. DeAnna, however, gets royally pissed! Diva much? Answer this question, dear reader: How would it look if a male Bachelor threw a major shitfit when one of his lady harem didn't want to smooch? "She puts out or she's out!" The guy would be pilloried, deservedly so I might add. He'd be called a wolf, a goon, or worse. Well Dee acted like a goon here. Graham needs to decide if he wants to stay and participate but DeAnna needs to get off her high horse. Sean, the karate boy also got some alone time and gave Dee some long winded speech that sounded as scripted as a presidential address, but Dee apparently isn't interested in sincerity and he scores a rose for his speech writer.

With the date over, the boys living in the outhouse decide to throw a party and invite Dee and this week's mansion-dwellers down for a bar-b-q. Fred Da Bears, Jeremy the babydady, and Robert the Chef all meander unhappily down to the outhouse with Dee so the other guys can pick on them. Dee sees she has a problem almost at once. Graham is avoiding her and Robert, after just earning his way out of the outhouse last week, disappears inside and hides. Dee then confronts everybody about their behavior but she seems to forget that this is all her fault. The boys lost their alpha male leader last week and look listless and confused. Also her insistence in putting Jeremy in the big house twice is coming back to bite her. A bunch of these guys have obviously concluded that she doesn't care much for them so they've started hanging out together and ignoring her. Hard to blame them on this one too. It's easy to say the same thing happened to Dee on the Bachelor when Brad was out romancing other girls but I don't remember Dee sleeping in a crappy bunkhouse on bunk beds and showering outside. If you foster a bunker mentality among guys you're going to get that behavior. They've been put in a bootcamp setting and are acting like men do in such settings: they're bonding. Don't be shocked. Dee was. She throws a five-star hissy fit, cries, screams, and raises hell like a princess denied her toys. Do the producers hate her? I'm starting to wonder.

This leads us to the two-on-one date for the week featuring the arrogant, collar-popping chef, Robert and Fred, Da Bears from Chicago. This date was one of the most difficult to decipher of any I've seen. The editing here was done with a battleaxe so timing is hard to read. Dee takes Robert for some private time and he tries to kiss her. She offers nothing but her cheek, then a private interview with Robert is shown and he talks about their major connection. Ok, either Robert is so delusional he's in need of therapy or this was taken out of order. An eighth grader would get the message from that. If I had been Robert, when she offered her cheek I would have just smiled at her and said, "Ok, I get it." then I would have gotten up and walked out. It was humiliating. Robert's far from the nicest guy I've ever met but this was brutal...and we're just getting started on that score.

Dee then speaks with Fred and he really lays it out for her. He's eloquent, apparently sincere and seems to really dig her. They all get together for the awarding of the rose and to no one's surprise she dumps Robert. No one except Robert apparently. He's shocked and she walks him out while Fred, da Bears sits exultant and waits for his rose. The producers now decide that Robert hasn't suffered enough and start some more editing tricks. When Dee deposits him into the limo he looks upset but stone-cold sober, but when he's interviewed the guy looks falling down drunk. How long did they ride him around in that limo and just how much liquor did they pump into him before they filmed him? He cries a little but is so drunk at that point he probably would have cried about a dog he had as a kid. Man, these producers are brutal.

Dee now joins in the brutality and also dumps the once exultant Fred, Da Bears! Fred then performs the classiest exit I've ever seen on this show. He's sensitive, normal, and very magnanimous in rejection. Fred seems like one of the only normal people with no ulterior motives I've ever seen on this show. He seems to have no pretenses about a show business career and he's not trying to pimp dog shampoo or a website or anything. He also didn't seem like a famewhore. The only reason I'm not going to go on and on about how sorry I am for Fred is because of my certain knowledge that when this airs this guy will be fending off more quality tail than anyone in Chicago. This guy will have to hide from screaming crowds of women like he's one of the Beatles. Good luck Fred and argh! to you!

Well in the last two weeks Dee has subsequently dumped the three nicest guys in the house. Whatever happens now, be it good or bad, it's Dee's fault. She's made her bed, time to start lying in it. The bed starts at the rose ceremony where she takes the boys swimming. Graham, whom she digs, plays a little kissy make up and he's secure. The only drama was whether or not Twilley the weirdo would live to be strange another day. And he does! Yes, Twilley will be around to...to do whatever the hell he does. Ok. Nice. Sure. Twilley over Fred...or Bill Nye...or the midget. That makes sense.

Ok, next week it looks like Dee takes the boys into the desert and kisses everyone apparently and I'm starting to wonder if Brad wasn't onto something.

Until then.






2 comments:

Stewart said...

I'm not sure if that Robert the loser chef could be more of a douchebag. He looked genuinely shocked when she booted him, but he said "whoever she kisses will get the rose" and she gave him the old face turn to kiss the cheek routine so he should have known it was bye bye. I do think she should have given Freddy boy another chance, but apparently she isn't interested in a nice, regular guy. You really called it with that Graham guy being gay, she begs him to kiss her and he doesn't? I don't care how pissed off you are about other guys, if a hot woman like that wants some lip action, you give it to her! I'll be gone for the next couple of weeks so soldier on without me Barb!

Barbarossa said...

Yeah, tis' true, Stew. Robert definitely tittered the peter meter, didn't he? And Graham is moving a peter meter of a different sort. Clothes designer from New York. Need I say more.

Have fun next week. We'll keep the pirate barge sailing.