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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Bachelorette Recap June 2nd

Ok, first up--Mrs. B. is home from the hospital and doing well. So well in fact that we watched the bachelorette and I've got warn you in advance that some of my takes on this episode probably won't be with the majority. This blog is a guy's take, keep that in mind.

With that said, lets begin. Harrison greets the boys and reminds them that there is a rose on the line for each and every date this week. The boys, in a rare moment for this show, have actually come up with a good name for their house. The call their living quarters outside Dee's mansion The Outhouse. Ok, I can go with that. The Outhouse it is.

The first date is Richard, Bill Nye the Science Guy. He gets a one-on-one. DeAnna takes him to dinner and he makes some intelligent-sounding chat and they seem to have a nice time. But constant voice overs and private interviews all but telegraph the fact that Dee thinks this guy is friend material only. A final ride in Cinderella's coach cements the deal and halfway to their destination Dee orders the coach to the side of the road and performs the atomic mega-dump on Bill Nye. The only way this could have been worse is if Dee had shoved him out onto the pavement. She turns on some eye-rain while she does it but the guy truly looks shocked and blindsided. This guy actually looks really hurt at being dumped. Gotta feel for him. Dee assures us that after what happened to her, she wasn't going to string someone along. Hey, if she wasn't feeling it, what can you do? But I get the sneaking suspicion that this is one dump she will later say was the right thing to do, but will probably regret it. Bill Nye seemed a nice fella--and those are at a premium. He made her laugh. He was good looking. You gotta feel for the guy.

The next date box arrives and all the remaining guys get called out and fitted with cowboy boots. All except Jason the babydaddy. He knows he's the other one-on-one of the week and looks nervous at the thought. The remaining lads go line-dancing with Dee and look pretty goofy learning the 'ol ho down. Dee, of course, looks like a beautiful, in-shape woman in tight jeans--in other words: GREAT! The guys then do some bull-riding and fall on their asses a bunch. Jesse, the stoned snowboarder manages to hang on the longest and gets some private time with Dee. He pulls out his serious side by talking about farting under the covers. Very serious stuff is cutting one under the blankets, but only if you trap the lady under the blanket and make her inhale it like I do with Mrs. B. Anyway, Dee appears charmed at his bravery to admit he farts--a rose is all but assured. Ah, true wuv!

It's at this point that the most controversial stuff occurs. Dee takes Ron, the pissed off divorced guy for a walk and confronts him about getting on Jeremy the Orphans ass for getting two consecutive weeks in the mansion with her. Whoa! Hold on! Dee says "I heard..." Ok, from where?! Who ratted? Did Jeremy go crying to her or was this producer interference? We never find out. But here's your double standard folks. Last season on the Bachelor did Matt ever go run interference to Shayne or any of the other girls about Robin, who was being mercilessly picked on? Nope. As a matter of fact, we have never been given any inkling that any of the Bachelors ever know what cattiness is afoot unless a suitor tells them. Dee's sudden knowledge is never explained. And Ron the pissed-off divorced guy doesn't appreciate her interference either. Neither would I. Although editing makes Ron look like a goon with a temper problem I notice that all the other lads seem to think he's right that Jeremy is an arrogant candy ass. Jesse even gives him a bump when he tells Jeremy he's 'lacking'. This smells like more than cattiness, folks. Let me give a caveat to my next observation: I do not know Ron anymore than I actually know DeAnna. He may be a saint or a wife-beater, I have no idea. But I'm sending him some props. He didn't try and smooth it to Dee over this. He basically told it was none of her damn business--which it wasn't. He didn't smarm her or kiss her ass--he told her it was between Jeremy and himself. Props to Ron the pissed-off divorced dude! It was refreshing to see a suitor on this series actually let the Bachlor(ette) know that the sun does not rise and set out the crack of their ass.

Then in another moment of non-doormat behavior, Robert the Chef tells the boys if he doesn't get private time, skip the rose, he'll head home. He actually seems to mean it too. He was drunk but he seemed sincere. Props to the Chef! He may wear polo shirts like he's about to audition for a George Michael video but the boy called his shot. He then gets Dee alone and makes his pitch. He gets the cowboy date rose. Bully and argh!

This all leads us to a yet another reminder that Jason the babydaddy has a son. Ok, we get it. This is the equivalent of someone announcing they are a virgin--we're going to be reminded of it every five seconds. We even see him on the phone with his son. This is a first in my memory--a suitor actually gets to contact a loved one. This takes us to the one-on-one date. Dee takes Jason by helicopter to a dinner-date where Jason finally tells her he has a kid. Dee, to her credit, doesn't even hesitate. She takes the news well and they look at pictures. He asks her about her mom and Dee practically takes us through a blow-by-blow recap of her mother's death. It's one of the more real moments in the history of this franchise and bodes very well for Jason's future here. A rose is a certainty and he gets it.

the second group date has the men traveling to meet Ellen Degeneres and not to outdone by the Bachelor, the Bachelorette now insists on humiliating the suitors by having them drop trou in front of a lesbian talk show host. If the producers told me to do that I would have flashed her my nads. She wouldn't have been impressed or even appreciative but if I'm going to humiliate myself like a real Bachelor candidate I'll do it on my own terms, thank you very much. The guys all dance (badly) and Ellen pow wows with Dee. Ellen then shows the wisdom of someone who's been in a few relationships by picking out a few details of the guys. The most perceptive one is her observation that Graham the Confused is absolutely terrified. I wonder if Graham tickled Ellen's gaydar like he does mine? She probably has a pretty good one.

Ellen then tells the boys that she's handing out the rose and makes them wait for it before she hands it over to Fred, the ugly dude. Now Fred's not really ugly exactly but he...well, he looks like a normal guy trapped in moisturizer hell with a parade of male models. So I'm going to call him Fred, Da Bears! to go with his Chicago accent. Anyway, Fred hit Dee with some pretty heartfelt balloon juice about how he feels about her and it was actually pretty good. He gets the rose from Ellen for his troubles.

This leads to the FRC, or as I'll call this one, Ron, the pissed-off divorced dude's last stand. Two pretty significant things happened at this RC. One, Graham the Confused has a talk with Dee about his hesitancy to open up and its obvious this will be a major theme and Ron the divorced dude comes as close to any suitor I've ever seen in bachelor(ette) history to telling the he/she dream that they can keep their rose. This got really hard to decipher with all the editing and you could practically sense a producer dangling a copy of a contract, complete with legal threats, in front of Ron's nose. He started off by telling Dee that he woke up that morning feeling like she wasn't the one for him. He backs off that but does absolutely nothing to back up his insincere words that he has changed his mind. Personally, I thought he was begging to leave and was going to no matter what. The producers, showing a touch as deft as a crowbar, send Jeremy out to steal Dee away. She can be heard(?) muttering "thank you" to Jeremy as he walks her away. Funny though that when Ron gets the inevitable boot, all the other men embrace him like a fallen brother. Could a bunker mentality be starting to take hold of these guys?

Like I said earlier: Ron may be a psycho, I have no idea, but it was pretty damn refreshing to see someone on this series actually behave like they have some self worth. The Ceremony plays out exactly as you would expect...with one exception: Paul from Liliput gets the boot and Twilley the weirdo soldiers on. Didn't see that one coming.

Ok, it looks like next week that DeAnna has a meltdown and accuses the guys of not being serious about her. Bunker mentality? Maybe. Or maybe they were inspired by Ron's refusal to be a doormat? We'll see. But I do want to leave you with this. Jeremy is a smarmy little pansy and I really may be wrong about Graham's gaydar but something damned screwy is going on there. After seeing Bill Nye, a guy Dee said, "Makes me laugh," who is undeniably intelligent, handsome, and deeply committed to his job as a teacher, get dumped on a sidewalk, its hard to feel bad that she thinks the rest aren't trying hard enough.

Oh, are they ever going to let Brian the football coach speak or did that particular Malibu Ken model not come with a voice box? Creepy.

Until next time.

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