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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Thursday, July 3, 2008

6/30--The Men Tell You Nothing You're Not Supposed To Hear

Normally the only good thing about these Tell-All shows is the chance to watch Bachelor Women make even bigger asses of themselves than they did on the actual show, and to see Chris Harrison actually demonstrate why he is paid a load of pelf to host this travesty. It certainly isn't because viewers are going to learn anything substantive about what really happened behind the scenes. This season has already morphed into the biggest train-wreck of all the Bachelor seasons this pirate has seen. I guess the only shocking thing is just how transparently (and early) the failure has been shown. Fleiss and his editing machine have been pulverized. He just couldn't pass up the drama of the Graham storyline and its come back to bite him on his soft, pimply ass. Got your own damned fingers burned, didn't you, Satan? Haha, well no one deserves it more, except maybe his own lovely Bachelorette Goddess, DeAnna (Victim) Pappas, who is exposed in this townhall format as one colossal, self-absorbed bitch of biblical proportions. The leaking in the dam had already started to be apparent to any but the most casual viewer anyway, and since Satan can't say no to drama, he inadvertently (Or deliberately?) gave Dee plenty of rope to hang herself and she happily obliged.

The shows first fifteen minutes were snoozeville. The only good thing about was Harrison, who showed his characteristic quick wit amidst the piles of scripted hyperbole he's required to bark out every fifteen seconds: "Our most dramatic and talked about season EVER!" Jeez, Chris, what would your momma say? I'm sure the huge bankroll he earns is enough for his wife and kids to enjoy the fruits of this nonsense and pretend Dad has a job near his level of ability, but there must be times it still burns to have to admit to it in public. This guy is actually a first-rate interviewer: intelligent, quick, funny and glib. As far as I'm concerned he could take over Meet The Press. It's a damn shame he's been reduced to this but I, for one, am grateful he's around so these Tell-All shows approach watchable. And he does get to write dirty sex notes, let's not forget that?

Anyway, Harrison does his best to bait us with the twenty-two minutes of this shitfest that at least threaten to be entertaining. The rest of the hour is scuttled with needless recaps we have all seen and about five seconds of outtakes they should have included in the broadcast originally, and usually turn out to be damn funny. Unsurprisingly, Harrison is the star of the outtakes too. He's shown baiting DeAnna about Sean, the karate-boys ridiculous mullet. Heh-heh. As if everyone in America was thinking that already. The twenty-two minutes of half-interesting stuff involves the main players from the season's shows. The biggest ovations from the female audience are reserved for The Grahamster, Jeremy-bot, and Fred, Da Bears! There is also a shout out for Richard, Bill Nye Science-guy.

Harrison asked the boys about their experiences and just why everyone hated the Jeremy-bot. An eclectic bunch ranging from Ron, the pissed off Divorced Guy to Twilley, the Weirdo, and Ryan, the pain-in-the-ass virgin attempt to expound. Ron mentions that the other guys were there to see if there was chemistry while Jeremy seemed to want to win a competition. They ALL rag him as a douchebag. But you don't honestly think the producers have edited an entire 8 week story to have these guys trash the whole script with honesty, do you? The edit cuts start coming so fast and furious you can't tell if they are answering Harrison's actual question you saw or whether or not he asked them if they farted in the shower before the show. The audience, presumable pre-tested to make sure they were sub-normal I.Q., "ohhhhs" and "ahhhhs" in disbelief that the other men weren't jealous of the Jeremy-bot. The near unanimity of these guys should show what I have been saying about Jeremy-bot is true: The guys is as fake as the day is long. He's a famewhore who's been handed a golden opportunity to dredge sympathy from the gullible and maybe get himself named the next Bachelor. I can tell you right now, my friends, if that sorry event occurs you can count me out! I have no intention of watching, let alone blogging about, this mannequin in anyway.

Harrison finally drags the Jeremy-bot into the "hotseat" and lets him mewl and whine about how tough he got it. Finally he's dismissed and the only important thing is this sets up his 'confrontation' with DeAnna, that's still to come. Harrison finally gets in on Graham and we see basically nothing, except that Graham is funny and smart--he also tries to defend himself against the edit. But the editing axe was at work again so who knows?

The good stuff is when DeAnna comes out....and she's orange? What the hell was that about? Harrison, all the boys, their make-up looked normal, but Dee looks like a jack-o-lantern, and a damn scary one it turns out too. And I'm not raggin here; just observing, but has Dee stopped going to the gym? Somebody looked a good fifteen lbs. heavier than the last time we saw her. First the Jeremy-bot asks her "When did you know it wasn't me?" Dee could have said "When we talked; you seemed hesitant--changed. My heart just didn't follow my head." That would have been ok. But she basically tells him he lost the sack race to Jason and Jesse. "Ouch," Jeremy says. Plastic or not, it had to hurt when she basically told him he sucked in the rack on National TV. It was indelicate to say the least and probably gives us a clue about her nature and where this is heading.

But the real illumination is saved for Graham. Harrison prompts her and she blatantly disagrees that Graham ever opened up to her and then lands this needless punch into his codpiece: "We all saw the show where I sent you home and I was, at the time, second-guessing my decision, but I don't anymore!" the audience even gasped at that one. Graham had the look of a man who just wants to be done with this and tried to call her off repeatedly. "Hey, this doesn't need to be an argument. Good luck, you're the greatest." Dee turns burnt-orange and even Harrison says: "You are pissed!" it wasn't a question. She turns to Graham, whose obviously violated celestial law by not groveling at her feet and scalds. "I don't like the way you're here today acting like it didn't mean anything to you!" Ha HA! Woman, are you engaged or not!? What a beyotch!What woman, who is engaged, would be having this talk with a former beau?! She is vindictive and looking to wound him. Grahams moved on (happily I'll wager too) and she's acting like he needs to fall apart and grovel like the Jeremy-bot, whom she has just chopped to shreds! You just know that if Graham had snapped his fingers and ordered "Lips!" she would have run across that stage and jumped into his lap, fake-gagement or no. This is hysterical! I hope whichever of the remaining dweebs she's engaged to was watching this. If Graham had pulled his unit out on stage she would have been chasing it like a cat after a mouse. God this girl is bitter! I was hoping Brad Womack would come walking out and give Graham a high five.

Dee then announces she's "in-love, and engaged!" Jeremy-bot feigns more pain. Listen folks, if you're a fan of Jeremy's: Reality Steve, who lives in Dallas just like Jeremy, has been reporting since forever that Jeremy is a frequenter at Dallas' hottest nite spots where he's been seen dancing away his sorrow with an entire bevy of comely wenches. This is ALL an act! The only thing that wasn't was Graham's refusal to be her doormat and the subsequent anger it engendered in her.

Previews show that both douches will be needlessly forced down on one knee to actually propose to her, so she can dump one of them? This show is always harsh at the end but this begs imagination. She couldn't just do like Brad did to her and dump them? DeAnna (and Fleiss) had better pray she chooses Jason. If she's led on the baby-daddy and his three year-old to pick a stoner, the boards will explode! She's spent the entire season taking out her bitterness at being led on by Brad and swearing never to do any such thing. If she's led on a dweeby, but seemingly sincere man with a three year-old, just to dump him AFTER he proposes to her, she'll be hanged in effigy.

Let's see what happens my friends...let's just see.

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