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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, July 7, 2008

Bachelorette Finale---Fake Times at Ridgemont High

She picked the stoner! Ha Ha! Oh, man I don't believe it! She picked Spicoli! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! That's right, the same character created by Sean Penn in the 80's cult movie, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. The only thing missing was the wingman morphing into Mr. Hand and eating Spicoli's pizza because he didn't order enough for the whole class. Somebody call Ray Walston! Ha, ha! Wonder what Spicoli the snowboarder plans to do with the big cash reward he won for being the f1? He'll probably do what Spicoli did and blow the whole wad hiring Van Halen to play at this birthday party. Can you see Dee riding around in the back of a micro bus following Jesse to snowboarding events; smokin' the wheat and drinking bongwater? Ha, ha. Me neither.


The bigger question is: Just how stupid is this girl!? Now, I don't think she's in love with this guy in the least. She was in love with Graham three weeks previously. No, the question of her stupidity that this begs is that since she didn't love either man, why did she take the one man who was the most earnest of the bunch to the final 2 so she could dump him for a stoned-out teen-aged wanna be? Why not take Jeremy-bot? Or Richard, the Chef? Or (gasp) The Grahamster!? You remember him Dee; you know, the guy you actually loved? He wouldn't have cared. Jesus, why take the nice guy to the dump farm? Why not anyone but the one guy who had a kid!? Especially when you were going to dump him for a guy whose ideas of fun are trying to destroy the English language and dressing up like a circus clown? And then to let the equivalent of the All-American guy get all the way down on one knee before you stop him?! Was this her idea of a joke!? And please be sure to give him a beaming smile when he's walking up to you. We wouldn't want him to see that big axe in your hands now would we? Think the villagers aren't up in arms about this? They're carrying torches and heading to the castle gates as we speak. Ha Ha! DeAnna now lives in a castle folks. Unfortunately for her it's guarded by flying monkeys, and no, they're not the result of those dubious-looking mushrooms your new "fiancee" fed you either, dear. They're the result of your seeming need to be elected Queen Bitch of the Universe. Stay out of the water, Dee; you'll melt.


Somewhere in Texas, Brad Womack just wiped his brow and did a shot. Or three.


Recap: (As if it matters now.) A long series of needless recaps showing the men's "journey's" with her. ZZZZZZZZZ. Then the two dwarfs head to Newnan, Ga. to meet Dee's family; so naturally it's time to trash Brad Womack again. The whole family piles on and Brad is again dismissed as a douche. Jason, the baby daddy, (hereafter known as the sacrificial lamb), is up first. Jason handles the whole thing very well. His dweebish nice guy bit goes over as well as it should. Dad questions whether Dee is ready to move into a ready-made family. Ya think? Anyway, sis takes the lamb outside and asks him about his true feelings for Dee. Unless Jason is a terrific actor, and he's not shown that ability to this point, he actually is in love with Dee. The brother asks the big question and we never see Dee answer it: "What's the wow factor?" We don't see the answer because there isn't one. Dee keeps making statement after statement about how "He's a good father; he wants to get married!" Even if leaks hadn't told the whole online world last week that she picks Jesse, this should have. The lamb is toast. Exciting guy versus stable guy. Most young women don't make the right choice on this one. They wait until the next time, when they're in their thirties, and learn that marriage is a long-term commitment, to make the correct pick. Dee, at 26, doesn't disappoint either. Jason asks dad's permission to marry Dee. The lamb is prepped for slaughter.

Jesse, the stoned snowboarder shows up next looking like, well looking like a skater boi. Baggy-assed pants and that "Rad" talk all going on. Tuck your shirt in, you douche. This one is kept short and Jesse is made to look scared, frightened and looking to escape. Dad's shown grilling Jesse and the edit makes it look like he has no answers for dad. More tellingly, Dee sits inside with her sis and pouts the entire time that Jesse is getting it too hard and won't do well. No clues needed here. Jesse is quickly shown the door, "I blew it." Ha, ha. Dee and dad talk and it looks like dad tried to talk her out of what she's about to do. Give dad some credit; he tried. But Dee's pouting gets huge when pops refuses to wholeheartedly endorse Jesse like he did Jason and the writing is even more on the wall.

Next, the producers pull one of their weird, pointless exercises that shows they don't really have a clue about what they're doing. In an effort to "up the drama" they bring both guys back to an extended family party. Unsurprisingly this produces a freeze from both guys and wads of discomfort all around. What was Fleiss expecting; a food fight! Sometimes Satan is a full blown moron! The two guys shuffle around uncomfortably and Jason easily wins over the family while Jesse teaches people how to "nug". Jesus. Grandma Zsa Zsa wins props, and an argument to bring back arranged marriages, by picking Jason, by what looks like a country mile. Grandpa tries to remind her that it's Dee's choice and Grandma rolls her eyes at him. Grandpa then scores some props by cracking on Zsa Zsa about how her dad's shotgun was the only reason her married her. Ha. Ha. Cool. The old duffers actually understand marriage. It's a remarkable contrast between their wisdom and their granddaughter's idiocy. No wonder the divorce rate is over 50% these days. Both guys are booted out and the family is shown (as always) to be absolutely no help in aiding the Bachelor(ette) whatsoever. The producers get into the act and prompt Jesse to get his ass in gear and ask Dad for his daughter's hand. Ha, ha. Very subtle. Dad grimaces like a man who can see the edge of the abyss heading his way and surrenders to the inevitable.

The producers then lose their collective minds. For some reason (time filler, an attempt to humanize Dee? Who knows?) they stage some fake interviews with Dee and try to make us believe she actually flew back to Grand Bahama to have a conversation with the Jeremy-bot. This is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. I think Jesse wasn't the only one of this show taking bong hits. They don't even try very hard to fool us. The Jeremy-bot comes walking up to Dee's pad wearing the exact same clothes he was wearing at the rose ceremony the week before to talk to her. Dee greets him, at night, in a robe, and he whines and mewls to get her to change her mind. If anyone ever has the temerity to suggest this show isn't one huge pile of faked shit, just point them at this scene. Pro wrestling is more believable than what Fleiss is asking the audience to swallow here. I was expecting Hulk Hogan to come jumping out of the closet and elbow the Jeremy-bot on the noggin. Jesus, Fleiss, insult my intelligence, why don't you. The only thing worth noting here is that the Jeremy-bot tells the crowd that I have been completely accurate in my assessment of him. "I've...I've been a statue." Close enough for government work. Statue, robot; same thing. We get to see her dump his ass all over again. Yes she's looking like Rebbecca of Sunnybrooke Farm all right.

Back to some semblance of "reality". Back to Grand Bahama for real and Dee and the dweebs are ready for the last chance dates and the Final Lamb Slaughter. First, she and bowl-smoke go for a seaplane ride to a tiny island. They are clearly very comfortable with each other and they frolic around in the surf. In between frolicking there are voice overs where Jesse swears his true and unflinching love. Heh. Then its back to the hotel where Jesse presents her with a "gift." It's a book filled with still shots Jesse would have no chance of ever getting his hands on without the producers help, but in keeping with Jesse's 'character' it looks like a pop-up book. Very impressive. If Jesse had actually made the thing it would have been filled with drawings of hemp leaves and pen scrawled sayings like "Led Zeppelin Rulz!" so I think we can safely assume he didn't make it.

Now its the lamb's turn. He greets Dee in his usual dweeby run and hug method and she takes him scuba diving with sharks. Careful Jason, the Great White is closer than you think. They do go down to the bottom of the sea floor and there are real sharks around. Dee tells us Jason was "very manly and she feels safe and protected with him." This also is a refrain we have heard a thousand times. "Safe, protected," Read BORING! And just like we've seen between them every time he moves to kiss her she hesitates, kisses, then pulls back abruptly. Hard to believe the guy can't feel it but evidently he can't. It's then back to the lamb's room where he gives her a board game. It should have been Clue, Jason. But it isn't. She picks chance cards, etc. and looks uncomfy kissing him again. Voice overs tell us she's falling love with him. Heh, too funny. He tells her in apparent earnestness that he loves her. Narcissist that she is, she smiles and laps it up. The sharpening of knives can be heard in the background.

DeAnna wants us to believe she woke up the next morning and had an epiphany. After slobbering about how much she loves both guys she wakes up the next morning and suddenly is positive about who she will choose. Ok. The lamb, desperately needing a shave, goes ring shopping first and marches directly into the store with blind confidence and picks out a ring. Spicoli, however, nearly vomits on the sidewalk before he could get into the store. He tells us this means he "must love her?" The question in the tone is clearly audible. Ha, ha. He finally gets inside, picks out a ring, and then launches into a commercial: "This Decory ring to me, symbolizes forever." Ha, Ha, ha! Shamelessness is not an issue here folks.

With strains of classical music blaring in the background, voice overs tell us just how kooky this all is. Stoner boi finally uses the term, "Soulmate." We'll hear that a couple of billion times in the next few seconds. On to the slaughter. The wingman walks Dee out to her plinth of pain and she assures us she is 100% sure of her choice. Out of the two that are left, we are too, Dee. But the ominous shadows on Brad Womack and Graham Bunn rise up behind her as we hear this like storm clouds in Oz.

The first limo pulls out and out steps the lamb. Women all over the country who do not follow this crap on the Internet gasp in horror. The lamb, the stale breath of the producers still filling his ears ("You got it, man! There's no way she's gonna' pick that stoned loser over you! She wants a family; that loser doesn't even have a real job! Go for it buddy!) comes bounding happily down the walkway to his doom. DeAnna, just to make sure the coming ambush is as bloody and horrifying as humanly possible, beams at him like his blushing bride awaiting him at the alter. The next part...(sighs, shakes head) I'm afraid the next part defies my abilities as a writer. We pirates loot and pillage, we don't normally transcribe horror films, and before anyone tells me this happened quickly, I will remind you that descending down to one knee dressed in a suit, is not a one-step process. The lamb pulls back his jacket coat, steps back and slowly descends to one knee. Just as his knee is touching concrete she says "No, I can't."

The look he gives her carries in it about a thousand different emotions. He knows what it means when she stops him but the overriding look in his eyes is a question of" "How could you!?" She let him absolutely humiliate himself before she stopped him. It is akin to watching a disemboweling. Beatings of baby seals are tame in comparison. Horror is not nearly a strong enough word. The man is reduced to smoldering embers and DeAnna is unmasked as a sociopath. He is in such shock for the rest of the time it doesn't really need describing. She peddles him some balloon-juice and he just wants to drop into a hole and die. Fleiss should have provided him one. One thing I can't figure out is why these suitors allow the dumpers to allow them to walk them to the car. I remember Baldwin's season and I was hoping Bevin would pick him up and throw him in the ocean, and during the Grant/Lamas fiasco Chelsea nearly did--which is one reason I like her so much. I would have let her say two words and then snapped. "Got it!" and made a beeline for the limo, but the lamb is in too much shock to do anything but gape at her. Either he has more class than me (a definite possibility) or he is in too much shock to resist. Either way, for all the bullshit this show peddles the guy was blind sided by an all-time dirty blow. Fleiss will have to work hard to ever top this beating. She guides him back to the car and he sits in shock and breaks down on the way out.

Spicoli shows up and proposes. BFD. She didn't love either of these clods but this one wins the cake-topper as most bizarre Bachelor(ette) I have ever watched. The most frequent posts I saw on the board that night from fans was "Gross!" I think that will about cover it.


After The Final Rose: You're going to get a quickie version of this because I'm not going back to re-watch this pablum. Suffice it to say, Jason comes out looking hurt; is forced to watch his humiliation all over again and is interviewed by the wingman. Edits show Harrison nodding a lot and Jason hesitantly agreeing to talk. The wingman does his usual good job and the story finally comes out. He wants most to know why she let him down on one knee before she stopped him. Because she's a psycho, Jason, that's why. Anyway, the paid audience is obviously told to cheer and buck Jason up as much as possible and its now apparent why a paid audience was used. A real audience of fans would have booed Dee's ass off the second she came out but the paid seals all clap like they've been told. Dee comes out and Jason asks her some tough, probing questions. This isn't a surprise. Jason seemed intelligent and well-educated; the surprise is that we were allowed to see it. Jason's best line is when he said: "Watching the show, I realized you never looked at me the same way you looked at Jesse, or to be fair, Graham." Ouch! Right in the 'ol psyche with that one! Dee pulls back and tried to deflect it but Jason scored major carnage of his own on that one. Conclusion: Jason is the next Bachelor if he's dumb enough to take it. I both hope and think he will not.

Bong hit comes out and and tries to recreate his infamous over the couch entrance from night one but only succeeds in stirring memories of Tom Cruise on Oprah. The creepiness meter goes higher. Dee then tries wayyyyyy too hard to show how much she loves him. "Forced" is a good word for it actually. They announce their wedding date and Harrison tells them Fleiss is going to send them to Greece. Heh, heh. Are they going to pay for the divorce too? The only stick of anything useful comes when Harrison questions Dee's dad. Dad says he knew it would be Jesse in Atlanta. No surprise, but it gives light to all of Dee's lies to Jason. It's also said through a grimace masquerading as a smile. Yeah, be proud dad, your daughter is engaged to a loser. Fathers everywhere glow with pride.

Oh yeah. Matt and Shayne show up to try and convince everyone they are actually still a couple, (or ever were). That's pretty hard to do when Matt's already confirmed to a reporter that he's moved out of Shayne's apartment and media reports have Shayne out of drunken dates with other men. Just in case any of you are still feeling gullible, you will notice that Fleiss isn't paying for any damn thing for these two.

And that will do it, matey's. Another failed romance in the books. I will see you when next the wingman announces "Our most romantic season ever!" or when I decide to write something else on here. Until then remember: Argh!

6 comments:

Stewart said...

Yeah I'm still trying to figure out what she saw in that loser. I guess the idea that he had his own foundation (hahah) really put him over the top. I do feel bad for the lamb. He seemed like a nice guy. I think it is so messed up how she just woke up the morning of and decided the stoner was the one. Yeah right. Oh well, until next time.

Auntie Lyn said...

loved it, you hit it all right on the head! There is some truth out there in the form of an interview with the lamb...

here is the link: Seattle Times article with Jason Mesnick


the clinker... she let him not only get down on his knee to start the proposal, she let stay there a while by the sounds of it. some piece of work that is...

Auntie Lyn said...

sorry, link did not show up...

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/television/2008083863_bachdude030.html

Barbarossa said...

Thanks for the link, Auntie Lyn. I saw that interview after I wrote the synopsis. I should have suspected the edit tried to make it look less cruel than it actually was. Pretty pathetic way to treat someone.

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